1
00:00:03,068 --> 00:00:05,699
♪ It seems today
that all you see
2
00:00:05,768 --> 00:00:09,365
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
3
00:00:09,433 --> 00:00:12,732
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values
4
00:00:12,801 --> 00:00:15,966
♪ On which we used to rely?
5
00:00:16,034 --> 00:00:19,198
♪ Lucky there's a family guy
6
00:00:19,267 --> 00:00:22,432
♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do
7
00:00:22,500 --> 00:00:24,199
♪ All the things that make us
8
00:00:24,267 --> 00:00:25,933
♪ Laugh and cry
9
00:00:26,001 --> 00:00:30,766
♪ He's a family guy ♪
10
00:00:36,468 --> 00:00:39,532
Hi, it's me, Peter,
your TV cartoon pal.
11
00:00:39,601 --> 00:00:40,966
You know, Lois has been
bitching lately
12
00:00:41,035 --> 00:00:43,465
that I watch too much TV
and don't read enough books,
13
00:00:43,534 --> 00:00:45,732
so I went to the library
and picked up three books
14
00:00:45,801 --> 00:00:50,266
by the greatest author
of the last thousand years,
Stephen King.
15
00:00:50,335 --> 00:00:52,400
And tonight I'd like
to share them with you.
16
00:00:52,467 --> 00:00:55,266
We begin with a little tale
called Stand by Me,
17
00:00:55,335 --> 00:00:57,999
about four young boys
who went looking
for a dead body
18
00:00:58,068 --> 00:01:00,400
and instead
found themselves
19
00:01:01,302 --> 00:01:02,899
and also a dead body.
20
00:01:06,234 --> 00:01:08,732
PETER: The year was 1955,
21
00:01:08,801 --> 00:01:11,632
and the voice in my head
was that of Richard Dreyfuss.
22
00:01:11,700 --> 00:01:14,732
RICHARD DREYFUSS:
I never had friends like
the ones I had when I was 12.
23
00:01:14,801 --> 00:01:16,598
There was me,
Petey Lachance.
24
00:01:16,667 --> 00:01:19,498
Anyone else fed up
with this over-saturation
of media?
25
00:01:19,567 --> 00:01:21,698
Three channels
and still nothing on.
26
00:01:21,767 --> 00:01:23,199
DREYFUSS: Then there was
Joey Duchamp.
27
00:01:23,268 --> 00:01:25,565
The voice in his head
was Roy Scheider.
28
00:01:25,634 --> 00:01:27,298
ROY SCHEIDER:
How are you, Richard?
DREYFUSS: Fine, Roy.
29
00:01:27,367 --> 00:01:29,065
How are you?
SCHEIDER: Good, good.
30
00:01:29,133 --> 00:01:31,498
We should grab a drink
sometime and catch up.
31
00:01:31,568 --> 00:01:33,732
Maybe reminisce about Jaws.
DREYFUSS: Great.
32
00:01:33,801 --> 00:01:37,131
You should
give me a call sometime.
My number is 555...
33
00:01:37,200 --> 00:01:39,566
Wait, wait.
What? 555?
34
00:01:39,634 --> 00:01:40,699
Yeah.
35
00:01:40,768 --> 00:01:42,231
You know what, Richard?
36
00:01:42,300 --> 00:01:43,799
If you don't want to
have drinks,
just say so.
37
00:01:43,868 --> 00:01:45,132
You don't have to be
a dick about it.
38
00:01:45,201 --> 00:01:47,965
Oh, please!
Make the voices stop!
39
00:01:48,034 --> 00:01:51,899
DREYFUSS: And then there was
Quag Chambers.
He was the leader of our gang.
40
00:01:51,968 --> 00:01:53,432
He had sex
when he was five
41
00:01:53,500 --> 00:01:55,699
and committed
his first rape
when he was 10,
42
00:01:55,767 --> 00:01:58,065
rape, of course,
being legal in the '50s.
43
00:01:58,133 --> 00:02:00,965
(LAUGHS)
Beat those
cards, fellas.
44
00:02:01,034 --> 00:02:02,766
Giggity Giggity
'50s Giggity.
45
00:02:02,834 --> 00:02:04,599
Hey, you guys.
46
00:02:04,668 --> 00:02:07,499
DREYFUSS: Finally,
there was Cleve Brown,
my pudgy black friend.
47
00:02:07,567 --> 00:02:10,732
I can still see him now,
all pudgy and black.
48
00:02:10,801 --> 00:02:12,832
Cleve, please.
We're busy
looking at Playboy.
49
00:02:12,901 --> 00:02:15,132
Look at the way
these women
starve themselves.
50
00:02:15,201 --> 00:02:17,366
This one can't be
more than 180 pounds.
51
00:02:17,434 --> 00:02:19,599
This is way better
than Playboy.
52
00:02:19,667 --> 00:02:21,765
Do you guys want to
see a dead body?
53
00:02:21,834 --> 00:02:23,599
Cleve, it's 1955.
54
00:02:23,667 --> 00:02:27,332
Please re-enter the clubhouse
in a more stereotypically
animated fashion.
55
00:02:29,034 --> 00:02:32,232
Lord almighty! I done seen me
a dead body down by the lake.
56
00:02:32,301 --> 00:02:35,699
Sho' 'nough, I thought
I'd go deef and dumb
when I saw me that dead body.
57
00:02:35,768 --> 00:02:37,799
Cleve, calm down.
You're not
making any sense.
58
00:02:37,868 --> 00:02:41,965
♪ Every day
it's a-getting closer... ♪
59
00:02:42,034 --> 00:02:44,599
DREYFUSS:
Anything was possible
as we set out that day,
60
00:02:44,668 --> 00:02:46,299
except contracting AIDS
61
00:02:46,367 --> 00:02:49,032
because AIDS had not yet
been invented
by the government
62
00:02:49,101 --> 00:02:52,132
in an effort to eradicate
the homosexual community.
63
00:02:52,200 --> 00:02:57,566
ALL: ♪ Have gun, will travel
reads the card of a man
64
00:02:57,634 --> 00:03:02,665
♪ A knight without armor
in a savage land ♪
65
00:03:02,734 --> 00:03:04,032
Okay, I got
another one.
66
00:03:04,100 --> 00:03:06,032
♪ Show me
that smile again
67
00:03:06,100 --> 00:03:08,032
♪ Show me that smile
68
00:03:08,100 --> 00:03:12,565
♪ Don't waste another
minute on your crying ♪
69
00:03:12,634 --> 00:03:15,632
DREYFUSS: We decided
to cut through
Old Man Pressman's junkyard,
70
00:03:15,701 --> 00:03:18,999
even though legend had it
that any kid
caught scaling the fence
71
00:03:19,067 --> 00:03:22,299
ran the risk of being attacked
by the old man's dog,
72
00:03:22,368 --> 00:03:26,365
who would charge to the cry of
"Chopper, sic balls."
73
00:03:26,434 --> 00:03:28,532
I got a bad feeling
about this.
74
00:03:28,600 --> 00:03:30,699
Hey! What are
you kids doing?
75
00:03:30,768 --> 00:03:32,032
Oh, no! It's him!
76
00:03:32,100 --> 00:03:35,066
That's right.
I'm Old Man Pressman.
I own the junkyard.
77
00:03:35,135 --> 00:03:37,432
I'm cranky 'cause
all my stuff is junk.
78
00:03:37,501 --> 00:03:40,166
Why can't
I have nice things?
79
00:03:40,235 --> 00:03:41,999
Chopper, sic them.
Sic them, boy!
80
00:03:42,067 --> 00:03:43,199
(BARKING)
81
00:03:43,267 --> 00:03:44,698
(ALL SCREAMING)
82
00:03:47,701 --> 00:03:49,499
DREYFUSS: Now, he said,
"Sic them, boy."
83
00:03:49,567 --> 00:03:51,065
But what I heard was,
84
00:03:51,134 --> 00:03:53,832
"Chopper, talk to disfigured
World War II veterans
85
00:03:53,901 --> 00:03:55,966
"who aren't as bitter
as they should be."
86
00:03:56,034 --> 00:03:57,899
Glad I could do my part.
87
00:03:57,967 --> 00:04:00,298
I think you may have
done too much.
88
00:04:00,367 --> 00:04:03,799
DISC JOCKEY: Hey, how about
this brand new thing
called rock and roll?
89
00:04:03,868 --> 00:04:06,966
Even though it was
just invented,
we already remember it fondly.
90
00:04:07,034 --> 00:04:09,599
Here's Little Richard
with Piano Riff Woo.
91
00:04:09,667 --> 00:04:11,432
(PIANO PLAYING
ROCK AND ROLL MUSIC)
92
00:04:11,501 --> 00:04:12,699
♪ Woo!
93
00:04:14,368 --> 00:04:15,366
♪ Woo!
94
00:04:17,068 --> 00:04:18,066
♪ Woo!
95
00:04:19,968 --> 00:04:20,966
♪ Woo!
96
00:04:21,668 --> 00:04:23,033
♪ Woo!
97
00:04:23,100 --> 00:04:24,098
♪ Woo!
98
00:04:25,333 --> 00:04:26,331
♪ Woo! ♪
99
00:04:29,601 --> 00:04:31,399
CLEVE: Fuck that.
100
00:04:31,467 --> 00:04:33,999
Man, this trip is dangerous.
Couldn't we have
just taken a bus?
101
00:04:34,068 --> 00:04:37,332
(MUMBLES)
No...black guy.
102
00:04:39,500 --> 00:04:42,265
Guys? Anyone know
when the next train
is scheduled?
103
00:04:42,333 --> 00:04:45,398
Don't worry. If a train comes,
I'll warn you in slow motion.
104
00:04:46,901 --> 00:04:48,532
(TRAIN APPROACHING)
105
00:04:51,835 --> 00:04:55,866
Train!
106
00:04:55,935 --> 00:04:57,598
(WHISTLE BLOWING)
107
00:04:58,267 --> 00:04:59,466
(ALL SCREAMING)
108
00:05:07,734 --> 00:05:08,899
(SCREAMING)
109
00:05:08,968 --> 00:05:10,465
My legs!
110
00:05:11,068 --> 00:05:14,899
Another train!
111
00:05:14,968 --> 00:05:16,999
(SCREAMING)
112
00:05:17,068 --> 00:05:21,133
What an odd,
clustered train schedule!
113
00:05:21,202 --> 00:05:22,932
Hey, sorry you got
paralyzed, Joey.
114
00:05:23,001 --> 00:05:24,766
That's all right.
115
00:05:24,834 --> 00:05:27,265
Thanks for going all the way
back to the junkyard
to get me this wheelchair.
116
00:05:27,333 --> 00:05:29,599
Boy, was Old Man
Pressman angry.
117
00:05:29,668 --> 00:05:31,832
(EXCLAIMING)
118
00:05:31,900 --> 00:05:33,699
DREYFUSS:
We talked into the night,
119
00:05:33,768 --> 00:05:36,832
the kind of talk
that seemed important
until you discover girls.
120
00:05:36,901 --> 00:05:40,599
This House Un-American
Activities Committee
is a travesty.
121
00:05:40,667 --> 00:05:44,733
And if we go into
French Indochina, it'll
take us 30 years to get out.
122
00:05:44,801 --> 00:05:46,498
Levittown-type
housing communities
123
00:05:46,567 --> 00:05:49,332
will replace individualism
with fear and conformity.
124
00:05:49,400 --> 00:05:52,565
What do you think
of that new kid
at school, Marty McFly?
125
00:05:52,634 --> 00:05:55,399
Seems like he just showed up
out of nowhere.
126
00:05:59,268 --> 00:06:01,266
Well, there it is.
127
00:06:01,335 --> 00:06:02,966
DREYFUSS: None of us
could breathe.
128
00:06:03,034 --> 00:06:05,765
The twisted and mangled body
we had come to see
129
00:06:05,834 --> 00:06:10,232
was far more disgusting
than any of us
could ever have imagined.
130
00:06:10,300 --> 00:06:11,298
CLEVE: He's nasty.
131
00:06:12,801 --> 00:06:14,632
Out of my way,
you little pip-squeaks.
132
00:06:14,700 --> 00:06:16,698
I'm taking credit
for finding this body.
133
00:06:16,767 --> 00:06:18,365
(ALL GASP)
134
00:06:18,434 --> 00:06:21,899
DREYFUSS: It was
the meanest guy in town,
Ace, and his whole gang,
135
00:06:21,968 --> 00:06:25,932
Beast Man, Mer-Man and,
for some reason,
Norm from Cheers.
136
00:06:26,001 --> 00:06:28,232
Hey, gang.
What, are we beating
somebody up?
137
00:06:28,301 --> 00:06:31,466
Now, get lost.
We'll take it
from here.
138
00:06:32,100 --> 00:06:33,099
(GASPS)
139
00:06:33,168 --> 00:06:34,799
(GUNSHOT)
140
00:06:34,867 --> 00:06:38,999
Kiss my grits,
you cheap dime-store hood.
141
00:06:39,067 --> 00:06:41,199
This ain't over, Lachance.
142
00:06:41,268 --> 00:06:42,865
I mean, you have
a gun right now.
143
00:06:42,934 --> 00:06:46,465
But tomorrow I'll get a gun
and come to your house
and kill you.
144
00:06:46,534 --> 00:06:49,632
Oh. Yeah,
I guess you could
do that, huh?
145
00:06:49,701 --> 00:06:51,199
I mean, we live
in the same town.
146
00:06:51,268 --> 00:06:54,199
And I can't just be
on my guard
for the rest of my life.
147
00:06:54,268 --> 00:06:57,232
Boy, that is a major hole
in this story.
Okay, take the body.
148
00:07:00,235 --> 00:07:02,565
DREYFUSS: We never forgot
that wonderful summer.
149
00:07:02,634 --> 00:07:05,232
And eventually we all went
our separate ways.
150
00:07:05,301 --> 00:07:07,732
Joey learned to live
without the use of his legs
151
00:07:07,801 --> 00:07:11,332
and even went on to create
a wheelchair-type rugby game
152
00:07:11,401 --> 00:07:14,498
called Don't Feel Sorry
For Us Ball.
153
00:07:14,567 --> 00:07:17,966
Cleve grew up
and went on to marry
Rebecca Romijn.
154
00:07:18,035 --> 00:07:19,866
Actually, I'm not even
joking about that.
155
00:07:19,934 --> 00:07:24,032
The fat kid from Stand by Me
is now married
to Rebecca Romijn.
156
00:07:24,101 --> 00:07:25,498
Can you believe that?
157
00:07:25,567 --> 00:07:27,698
I swear to God.
Look it up on the Internet.
158
00:07:27,768 --> 00:07:29,532
Doesn't that piss you off?
159
00:07:29,601 --> 00:07:32,598
Quag grew up to become
a famous Hollywood actor.
160
00:07:32,668 --> 00:07:34,665
Unfortunately,
about a week ago,
161
00:07:34,734 --> 00:07:38,233
he took an overdose
of designer drugs
at The Viper Room.
162
00:07:38,302 --> 00:07:40,933
He died on the curb outside,
163
00:07:41,001 --> 00:07:45,400
and now we're left with
a harelipped reminder
of what might have been.
164
00:07:45,468 --> 00:07:47,132
(TRUMPET BLEATING)
165
00:07:50,267 --> 00:07:52,565
Hi. Welcome back
from commercials.
166
00:07:52,634 --> 00:07:54,565
Joaquin Phoenix,
if you're
still watching,
167
00:07:54,634 --> 00:07:56,699
you are a good sport
and a trouper,
168
00:07:56,768 --> 00:08:00,099
and you passed our test,
and you can be our friend.
169
00:08:00,168 --> 00:08:03,566
And now for a segment
we like a little less
than the first and the last.
170
00:08:03,634 --> 00:08:05,065
Here's Misery.
171
00:08:11,068 --> 00:08:12,299
Marcia, I've done it.
172
00:08:12,368 --> 00:08:14,366
I've finished the book,
and Snuggly Jeff is dead.
173
00:08:14,434 --> 00:08:15,899
And the readers
are just gonna love it.
174
00:08:15,968 --> 00:08:18,066
Paul, I still wish
I could talk you
out of this.
175
00:08:18,135 --> 00:08:21,431
Snuggly Jeff is the most
successful children's
book series ever.
176
00:08:21,500 --> 00:08:23,966
Yeah, but I want to
get into writing
more serious stuff.
177
00:08:24,035 --> 00:08:25,365
You know, something
where the reader
doesn't have
178
00:08:25,433 --> 00:08:27,231
a load in his pants
while he's looking at it.
179
00:08:27,300 --> 00:08:29,332
Well, we'll talk about it
when you get back.
180
00:08:34,835 --> 00:08:36,565
MAN ON RADIO: This just in.
181
00:08:36,634 --> 00:08:39,366
The Weather Service
has reported
a big snowstorm on its way.
182
00:08:42,068 --> 00:08:43,866
Oh, my God!
Stephen King!
183
00:08:45,201 --> 00:08:46,432
(EXCLAIMING)
184
00:08:47,534 --> 00:08:49,598
Hey, this would make
a neat story.
185
00:08:51,534 --> 00:08:52,532
Done.
186
00:09:12,400 --> 00:09:13,966
STEWIE:
I'm your number-one fan.
187
00:09:14,035 --> 00:09:17,398
I'm your number-one fan.
I'm your number-one fan.
188
00:09:17,467 --> 00:09:19,398
(GROANING)
189
00:09:19,467 --> 00:09:21,999
Who... Who are you?
190
00:09:22,068 --> 00:09:24,266
I'm Stewie Wilkes.
I saved your life.
191
00:09:24,334 --> 00:09:28,099
You were in a terrible
car accident, and
you broke both your legs.
192
00:09:28,168 --> 00:09:29,166
I taste lipstick.
193
00:09:29,235 --> 00:09:30,266
Am I wearing lipstick?
194
00:09:30,335 --> 00:09:31,932
Not anymore.
195
00:09:32,001 --> 00:09:35,066
You know, I am a huge
Snuggly Jeff fan.
I've read all the books.
196
00:09:35,134 --> 00:09:36,866
Great. Hey, can you
hand me my cell phone?
197
00:09:36,934 --> 00:09:39,366
I gotta call my agent.
She's probably
worried sick about me.
198
00:09:39,434 --> 00:09:41,333
It was destroyed
in the accident.
199
00:09:41,401 --> 00:09:43,132
Well, can I use yours?
No reception up here.
200
00:09:43,201 --> 00:09:44,266
Regular phone?
Lines are down.
201
00:09:44,335 --> 00:09:45,333
Pay phone?
Road's closed.
202
00:09:45,401 --> 00:09:46,399
E-mail?
Dial-up.
203
00:09:46,468 --> 00:09:47,499
Fax?
Paper jam.
204
00:09:47,568 --> 00:09:48,566
Morse code?
Obsolete.
205
00:09:48,634 --> 00:09:50,065
Brain-damaged
bicycle courier?
206
00:09:50,134 --> 00:09:53,366
I'm not quite so sure
I can find my way.
207
00:09:56,200 --> 00:09:58,233
Yeah, you're gonna
be here a while.
208
00:10:01,901 --> 00:10:04,499
Paul, quick question,
and feel free to say no,
209
00:10:04,567 --> 00:10:08,400
but I couldn't help but
notice the new Snuggly Jeff
manuscript in your bag.
210
00:10:08,467 --> 00:10:11,532
And I was wondering
if I could read it,
then kill you if I hate it?
211
00:10:11,601 --> 00:10:13,065
Well, I guess that'd be okay.
212
00:10:13,133 --> 00:10:14,399
Thank you, thank you,
thank you!
213
00:10:14,468 --> 00:10:17,033
Can I read it
while I touch your ear
and suck my thumb?
214
00:10:17,102 --> 00:10:18,966
I guess.
Goody, goody!
215
00:10:21,968 --> 00:10:23,331
(CHUCKLING)
216
00:10:31,500 --> 00:10:34,066
Mmm. Mmm.
217
00:10:38,334 --> 00:10:39,332
(DOOR BURSTS OPEN)
218
00:10:42,601 --> 00:10:43,665
Stewie?
219
00:10:43,734 --> 00:10:46,932
I just finished the book,
you dirty birdie.
220
00:10:47,001 --> 00:10:49,399
How could you?
He can't be dead.
221
00:10:49,468 --> 00:10:51,966
Snuggly Jeff
cannot be dead!
222
00:10:52,035 --> 00:10:53,532
(GROANS)
223
00:10:53,601 --> 00:10:55,999
Look, Stewie.
I've gone as far as I can
with Snuggly Jeff,
224
00:10:56,068 --> 00:10:58,599
and I want to write
something more serious.
225
00:10:58,668 --> 00:11:01,999
Well, you are gonna
write Snuggly Jeff
back to life, Mr. Man.
226
00:11:02,068 --> 00:11:04,066
Look, Stewie,
first of all,
you're insane,
227
00:11:04,134 --> 00:11:06,632
and second of all,
I have to be inspired
before I write.
228
00:11:06,701 --> 00:11:09,099
Well, how about
a little TV?
229
00:11:09,168 --> 00:11:11,932
ANNOUNCER: We now return
to Magnum, b.m.
230
00:11:12,001 --> 00:11:15,199
Magnum, I found
a fingerprint smudge
at the crime scene.
231
00:11:15,267 --> 00:11:17,065
Do you have poo
on your hands?
232
00:11:17,134 --> 00:11:18,165
(SNIFFING)
233
00:11:18,234 --> 00:11:19,665
A little.
234
00:11:19,734 --> 00:11:21,866
(MAGNUM, P.I. THEME PLAYING)
235
00:11:25,400 --> 00:11:27,866
No, no, no.
This won't do, Paul.
236
00:11:27,934 --> 00:11:29,265
You can't just have
Snuggly Jeff
237
00:11:29,334 --> 00:11:31,899
magically
brought back to life
by a child's wish.
238
00:11:31,968 --> 00:11:33,332
It's insulting
to the reader.
239
00:11:33,401 --> 00:11:34,465
What do you mean?
240
00:11:34,534 --> 00:11:35,799
Well, it's just
bad storytelling.
241
00:11:35,868 --> 00:11:37,365
Let's see.
How can I explain
this to you?
242
00:11:37,434 --> 00:11:38,698
Did you ever see
the movie Contact?
243
00:11:38,767 --> 00:11:40,599
Yeah.
244
00:11:40,668 --> 00:11:43,266
So, like, they spent
a trillion dollars building
this mile-high space machine,
245
00:11:43,335 --> 00:11:44,966
and Jake Busey blows it up.
246
00:11:45,034 --> 00:11:48,099
So now they're all like,
"Oh, no! We can't use
the space machine."
247
00:11:48,167 --> 00:11:50,799
But then this other guy's
like, "Hey,
it just so happens
248
00:11:50,867 --> 00:11:53,732
"I built another identical
trillion-dollar space machine
249
00:11:53,801 --> 00:11:56,099
"at my own expense
on the other side
of the world."
250
00:11:56,167 --> 00:11:58,665
And we're supposed
to believe
no one noticed that?
251
00:11:58,734 --> 00:12:01,632
Well, I stood up
in the theater,
and I said, "No!
252
00:12:01,701 --> 00:12:04,066
"You can't go into space
because the machine
253
00:12:04,135 --> 00:12:07,966
"already got blown up
by Jake-cockadoody-Busey."
254
00:12:08,034 --> 00:12:09,865
Start over!
Fine.
255
00:12:09,934 --> 00:12:12,632
But you're gonna have to
go into town and get me
some more paper. I'm all out.
256
00:12:12,700 --> 00:12:15,765
I don't know, Paul.
Let me see if I can get
the Big Wheel started.
257
00:12:17,801 --> 00:12:18,865
(IMITATING ENGINE
TURNING OVER)
258
00:12:18,935 --> 00:12:20,966
I don't know, Paul.
It's not starting.
259
00:12:22,302 --> 00:12:23,899
I'm afraid
I'm gonna flood it.
260
00:12:25,168 --> 00:12:26,999
(IMITATING ENGINE STARTING)
261
00:12:27,068 --> 00:12:29,933
Okay, I got it now.
I'll see you in a bit.
262
00:13:05,334 --> 00:13:06,365
(CHUCKLES)
263
00:13:06,434 --> 00:13:08,198
He's too big for that car.
264
00:13:08,267 --> 00:13:10,133
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
265
00:13:17,202 --> 00:13:18,233
Mr. Sheldon?
266
00:13:18,300 --> 00:13:19,832
Oh, my God! I'm saved!
267
00:13:19,901 --> 00:13:21,966
Let's get out of here
before Stewie gets back.
268
00:13:22,034 --> 00:13:23,365
(SCREAMING)
269
00:13:25,100 --> 00:13:26,698
My legs!
270
00:13:26,767 --> 00:13:29,999
Now I'm gonna have to
spend the rest of my life
in a wheelchair.
271
00:13:30,068 --> 00:13:31,599
No, you're not.
272
00:13:36,735 --> 00:13:38,866
Well, that's it, Stewie.
The book is done.
273
00:13:38,935 --> 00:13:39,933
Can I go now?
274
00:13:40,001 --> 00:13:42,166
Oh, no, Paul.
I'm not stupid.
275
00:13:42,234 --> 00:13:44,432
If I let you go,
you'll just run
straight to the police
276
00:13:44,500 --> 00:13:46,298
and tell them
I kidnapped you
and held you hostage
277
00:13:46,367 --> 00:13:47,866
and fondled you
while you were asleep.
278
00:13:47,935 --> 00:13:49,200
No, I... Wait. What?
279
00:13:49,267 --> 00:13:50,632
You'll tell them
that while
you were sleeping
280
00:13:50,701 --> 00:13:52,465
I did things to you
that you don't remember.
281
00:13:52,534 --> 00:13:54,365
You fondled me
while I was asleep?
282
00:13:54,434 --> 00:13:55,565
Yeah.
283
00:13:55,634 --> 00:13:56,632
I don't think
I like that.
284
00:13:56,701 --> 00:13:57,733
Well, it's done.
285
00:13:57,801 --> 00:13:59,933
(MAGNUM, P.I. THEME PLAYING)
286
00:14:05,634 --> 00:14:08,265
Everybody still awake?
All right, big finish.
287
00:14:08,333 --> 00:14:09,765
Now, you remember
that Stephen King story
288
00:14:09,834 --> 00:14:11,432
when the guy went up
to the empty hotel?
289
00:14:11,501 --> 00:14:12,765
And there were those
creepy twins?
290
00:14:12,834 --> 00:14:14,299
And the guy
was running around
with that ax?
291
00:14:14,367 --> 00:14:15,566
And the kid talked
to his finger?
292
00:14:15,634 --> 00:14:17,932
Can't you see
Stewie doing that?
293
00:14:18,001 --> 00:14:20,199
Well, here's
The Shawshank Redemption.
294
00:14:29,634 --> 00:14:31,432
(PRISONERS CLAMORING)
295
00:14:37,934 --> 00:14:42,699
RED: The first time
I laid eyes on Andy Dufresne,
I didn't think much of him.
296
00:14:42,767 --> 00:14:44,732
He was a fat drink of water,
297
00:14:44,800 --> 00:14:47,598
the kind of drink of water
that you know your friend
got from the bathroom
298
00:14:47,667 --> 00:14:48,665
and not from the kitchen.
299
00:14:50,534 --> 00:14:53,866
Five packs of cigarettes
says the fat one
breaks first tonight.
300
00:14:53,934 --> 00:14:56,532
You're on.
I'll take the Don
Martin-looking one.
301
00:15:00,534 --> 00:15:03,598
Welcome to Shawshank Prison.
I'll be your warden.
302
00:15:03,668 --> 00:15:06,565
And even though I'm the only
character in this movie
who's not a criminal,
303
00:15:06,634 --> 00:15:08,165
I will be the bad guy.
304
00:15:08,233 --> 00:15:11,099
Tomorrow's lunch
is American chop suey,
305
00:15:11,167 --> 00:15:13,832
so you came here
on a good day.
Good lunch.
306
00:15:14,768 --> 00:15:16,866
Look at those smiles.
307
00:15:16,934 --> 00:15:18,332
(BUZZER SOUNDING)
308
00:15:27,801 --> 00:15:29,599
All right,
lights out, ladies.
309
00:15:29,667 --> 00:15:30,999
(MAN LAUGHS)
310
00:15:31,067 --> 00:15:34,265
It's funny because
we are not ladies,
we are men.
311
00:15:34,334 --> 00:15:35,332
Shut up.
312
00:15:38,467 --> 00:15:42,232
RED: A month went by
before Andy said two words
to somebody.
313
00:15:42,301 --> 00:15:45,032
As it turned out,
that somebody was me.
314
00:15:45,101 --> 00:15:47,065
Vagina boob.
315
00:15:47,134 --> 00:15:50,399
Later, Andy came back
with more than two words.
316
00:15:50,468 --> 00:15:52,966
I understand you're a man
who knows how to get things.
317
00:15:53,034 --> 00:15:56,366
I've been known to procure
various and sundry items.
318
00:15:56,434 --> 00:15:59,999
I don't understand
what you just said.
I need stuff. Can you get it?
319
00:16:00,068 --> 00:16:02,066
What do you need?
I need a rock hammer.
320
00:16:02,135 --> 00:16:03,366
What's it for?
321
00:16:03,434 --> 00:16:05,565
I carve Star Wars
figurines out of stone,
322
00:16:05,634 --> 00:16:07,966
but it's also
for not tunneling
my way out of here.
323
00:16:08,034 --> 00:16:11,966
Wow. Can you carve me
a set of women's
private parts out of stone?
324
00:16:12,034 --> 00:16:14,299
Sure. Or you could
just have sex
with Helen Hunt.
325
00:16:14,368 --> 00:16:16,232
(BOTH LAUGHING)
326
00:16:16,301 --> 00:16:18,065
We've only had
one conversation,
327
00:16:18,134 --> 00:16:20,699
but I can tell
we're gonna be
lifelong friends.
328
00:16:20,767 --> 00:16:22,399
And since
you're black
and I'm white,
329
00:16:22,468 --> 00:16:25,399
that makes it
more special
for the audience.
330
00:16:31,867 --> 00:16:33,032
Inspection.
331
00:16:33,101 --> 00:16:34,198
(BUZZER SOUNDING)
332
00:16:40,967 --> 00:16:42,866
You Andy Dufresne?
A little bit. You?
333
00:16:42,935 --> 00:16:44,198
(LAUGHS)
334
00:16:44,267 --> 00:16:46,065
I'm just jiggling your balls.
What can I do for you?
335
00:16:46,133 --> 00:16:48,766
I understand you make
Star Wars figurines.
336
00:16:48,834 --> 00:16:50,766
Oh, Grievous.
Wicked!
337
00:16:50,834 --> 00:16:52,632
Well, anyway,
I'm a pretty corrupt guy,
338
00:16:52,701 --> 00:16:55,532
so I figured
I could sell your figurines
and pocket the cash.
339
00:16:55,601 --> 00:16:57,398
What do you say?
I don't know.
340
00:16:57,467 --> 00:17:00,565
Come on. I'll even
cripple that guy who
rapes you in the shower.
341
00:17:00,634 --> 00:17:02,566
But I like that guy.
Too late.
342
00:17:02,634 --> 00:17:03,932
(GRUNTING)
343
00:17:05,134 --> 00:17:06,499
My legs!
344
00:17:06,568 --> 00:17:09,632
RED: Two things never happened
again after that.
345
00:17:09,701 --> 00:17:11,532
Bogs never walked again,
346
00:17:11,601 --> 00:17:14,331
and Andy's farts never made
a sound again.
347
00:17:14,967 --> 00:17:16,566
(WIND WHOOSHING)
348
00:17:20,068 --> 00:17:22,866
RED: Thanks to the Star Wars
figurines Andy carved,
349
00:17:22,934 --> 00:17:25,833
he landed a cushy job
cleaning the warden's office.
350
00:17:25,901 --> 00:17:29,766
Okay, you clean up
the warden's office while
I go pop out a pinecone.
351
00:17:29,835 --> 00:17:31,499
Hey, you know
what'd be funny?
352
00:17:31,568 --> 00:17:34,032
You should take one of
those records and play it
over the PA system.
353
00:17:34,101 --> 00:17:35,966
No, you shouldn't do that,
but it'd be funny.
354
00:17:36,034 --> 00:17:38,299
Okay, I'll be back
in three
and a half minutes,
355
00:17:38,368 --> 00:17:41,398
the average length of a song
on any long-playing album.
356
00:17:49,634 --> 00:17:51,498
(FEEDBACK ON PA)
357
00:17:51,567 --> 00:17:53,432
♪ A few times
I've been around that track
358
00:17:53,500 --> 00:17:55,598
♪ So it's not just
gonna happen like that
359
00:17:55,667 --> 00:17:57,932
♪ 'Cause I ain't no
hollaback girl
360
00:17:58,001 --> 00:18:01,465
♪ I ain't no hollaback girl
361
00:18:01,534 --> 00:18:05,899
RED: To this day,
I have no idea what
that woman was singing about.
362
00:18:05,968 --> 00:18:08,265
Like, literally no idea.
363
00:18:08,333 --> 00:18:10,966
I don't know
what a hollaback girl is,
364
00:18:11,034 --> 00:18:14,665
but I have to imagine
it's a foul,
disease-ridden thing
365
00:18:14,734 --> 00:18:20,933
that wears too much makeup
to cover up the fact that
it's a 47-year-old fish dog.
366
00:18:21,001 --> 00:18:24,265
Andy, I think you know
why I've called you
in here today.
367
00:18:24,333 --> 00:18:28,699
A prison is an environment
which requires the
highest level of discipline.
368
00:18:28,768 --> 00:18:32,066
And that little stunt
you pulled today...
369
00:18:32,135 --> 00:18:35,232
That little stunt
you pulled today made a lot of
people look very foolish.
370
00:18:35,300 --> 00:18:37,032
Look, Warden,
we got it rough in here.
371
00:18:37,101 --> 00:18:38,598
I just thought
we could use a little music.
372
00:18:38,668 --> 00:18:41,699
Music is expressly forbidden
inside prison walls.
373
00:18:41,768 --> 00:18:43,599
My God! How can you
be so obtuse?
374
00:18:43,667 --> 00:18:44,765
What did you call me?
375
00:18:44,834 --> 00:18:46,299
Obtuse.
You're being obtuse.
376
00:18:46,368 --> 00:18:47,532
Two months in the hole.
377
00:18:47,601 --> 00:18:49,099
Or am I being obtuse?
378
00:18:49,167 --> 00:18:50,699
No, now you're being acute.
379
00:18:52,501 --> 00:18:55,498
RED: That time in the hole
changed old Andy.
380
00:18:55,567 --> 00:18:57,733
I'm getting out of here
tonight, Red.
381
00:18:57,801 --> 00:19:00,066
I'm gonna take
the poop pipe
to the crap swamp.
382
00:19:00,134 --> 00:19:02,565
Wow. Where are you headed
once you get out?
383
00:19:02,634 --> 00:19:03,832
Zihuatanejo.
384
00:19:03,901 --> 00:19:05,199
Sounds fancy.
385
00:19:05,268 --> 00:19:07,365
Well, actually,
it's a filthy
Mexican village.
386
00:19:07,434 --> 00:19:09,599
Listen, Red,
when you get out
of here,
387
00:19:09,667 --> 00:19:11,699
I want you to do
something for me.
388
00:19:11,767 --> 00:19:15,332
Up in a hayfield
in Buxton, Maine,
under an old oak tree,
389
00:19:15,400 --> 00:19:18,499
there's a rock
that has no earthly business
being there.
390
00:19:18,567 --> 00:19:22,099
It's black volcanic glass,
has no business being there.
391
00:19:22,168 --> 00:19:25,799
Under that rock is a box
with something
I want you to have.
392
00:19:25,867 --> 00:19:27,966
Of course,
now I think about it,
I've been in here 25 years.
393
00:19:28,035 --> 00:19:30,966
All these landmarks
are based on possibly
outdated observations.
394
00:19:31,035 --> 00:19:33,066
That whole area could be
a Walmart by now.
395
00:19:33,135 --> 00:19:36,498
If it is, pick yourself up
some nice cheap pants,
and good life to you.
396
00:19:38,233 --> 00:19:39,698
Inspection.
397
00:19:39,767 --> 00:19:40,765
(BUZZER SOUNDING)
398
00:19:44,500 --> 00:19:47,065
Dufresne? Dufresne?
399
00:19:47,134 --> 00:19:49,032
Dufresne, you better
get your ass out here
400
00:19:49,101 --> 00:19:51,199
before you make me
cut this sentence...
401
00:19:56,268 --> 00:19:57,865
Where is he?
Where the hell
is Dufresne?
402
00:19:57,934 --> 00:19:58,965
I don't know, sir.
403
00:19:59,034 --> 00:20:00,698
Hey, we have almost
the same voice.
404
00:20:00,767 --> 00:20:02,065
Excuse me,
I'm the prison doctor.
405
00:20:02,134 --> 00:20:03,499
I'm here for
Andy's check-up.
406
00:20:03,567 --> 00:20:05,265
Andy Dufresne?
Yeah, Andy Dufresne.
407
00:20:05,334 --> 00:20:07,198
We can't find him.
Well, that's no good.
408
00:20:07,267 --> 00:20:09,365
All right, you two
are gonna
have to leave.
409
00:20:09,434 --> 00:20:15,932
I want him found now.
Not after breakfast,
not after CSI, now.
410
00:20:16,001 --> 00:20:19,498
God, I'm so angry I could
just throw a rock at that
poster of David Cassidy.
411
00:20:21,567 --> 00:20:23,398
(METALLIC CLATTERING)
412
00:20:41,834 --> 00:20:44,132
RED: What the warden
and his boys didn't realize
413
00:20:44,201 --> 00:20:48,833
was that Andy Dufresne had
escaped from Shawshank Prison
the night before.
414
00:20:54,001 --> 00:20:56,199
(FRIENDS THEME PLAYING ON TV)
415
00:20:59,267 --> 00:21:03,499
♪ So no one told you
life was gonna be this way ♪
416
00:21:06,400 --> 00:21:07,932
RED: Andy crawled to freedom
417
00:21:08,001 --> 00:21:11,432
through 500 yards of foulness
I can't even imagine.
418
00:21:15,334 --> 00:21:16,599
Andy Dufresne,
419
00:21:16,668 --> 00:21:18,632
the man who crawled
through a river of poop
420
00:21:18,701 --> 00:21:21,432
and came out clean
on the other side.
421
00:21:23,534 --> 00:21:26,832
Why he chose enchilada night,
I will never know.
422
00:21:29,101 --> 00:21:30,766
Do you believe
in your best judgment
423
00:21:30,834 --> 00:21:32,565
that you have
been rehabilitated?
424
00:21:32,634 --> 00:21:33,899
Rehabilitated?
425
00:21:33,968 --> 00:21:36,233
It's just a stupid
made-up word
426
00:21:36,301 --> 00:21:38,799
so boys like you
can sit behind a desk,
427
00:21:38,868 --> 00:21:41,532
wear a fancy suit,
and feel important.
428
00:21:41,601 --> 00:21:44,799
You're a jerk,
and I had sex
with your mother last night.
429
00:21:44,868 --> 00:21:46,432
And I swear to God,
430
00:21:46,501 --> 00:21:49,366
you let me out of here,
first thing I'm gonna do
is kill again.
431
00:21:52,134 --> 00:21:56,332
RED: When I got out
of Shawshank, there was
only one thing on my mind.
432
00:21:56,401 --> 00:21:59,966
A promise I made to a friend
that I had to keep.
433
00:22:01,767 --> 00:22:04,999
ANDY: Walk along
the stone wall
until you reach the tree,
434
00:22:05,068 --> 00:22:07,565
and that's where
you'll find the rock.
435
00:22:21,801 --> 00:22:24,331
"Dear Red,
if you've come this far,
436
00:22:24,400 --> 00:22:26,265
"maybe you're willing
to go a little further.
437
00:22:26,333 --> 00:22:29,399
"You remember the name
of the town in Mexico, right?"
438
00:22:30,301 --> 00:22:31,299
Shit!
439
00:22:36,267 --> 00:22:40,166
What? Is that him?
Is that...
No, no. Beach dog.
440
00:22:42,068 --> 00:22:45,199
Is that Red? Is it...
No, no. Not him either.
441
00:22:45,267 --> 00:22:46,432
Where the hell
is that jack-off?
442
00:22:46,501 --> 00:22:48,465
There's, like,
1,200 bucks in that box.
443
00:22:48,534 --> 00:22:52,665
Oh, my God. If he ran off
with that, oh,
I am gonna be so pissed.
444
00:22:52,734 --> 00:22:54,298
And what am I gonna do,
go to the authorities?
445
00:22:54,367 --> 00:22:56,165
I just broke out
of prison.
Now what?
446
00:22:56,234 --> 00:22:58,665
I gotta spend
the rest of my life
here by myself?
447
00:22:58,734 --> 00:23:01,999
Well, at least I won't
have to be self-conscious
about my farting.
448
00:23:03,333 --> 00:23:04,699
Well, that's our show.
449
00:23:04,767 --> 00:23:07,299
Thank you, Stephen King.
We'll see you in court.
450
00:23:07,367 --> 00:23:10,632
Now stay tuned for
whatever Fox is
limping to the barn with.
451
00:23:46,701 --> 00:23:47,699
English - US - Line 21