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00:00:03,101 --> 00:00:05,932
♪ It seems today
that all you see
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00:00:06,001 --> 00:00:09,132
♪ Is violence in
movies and sex on TV
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00:00:09,200 --> 00:00:12,965
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values
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♪ On which we used to rely?
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♪ Lucky there's a family guy
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♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do
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♪ All the things
that make us
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♪ Laugh and cry
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♪ He's a family guy ♪
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Hey,
where's Cleveland?
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Doesn't
he have a relative
in town or something?
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I don't know, but I ordered
him a beer, and now it's
just sitting there
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looking lonelier than Alan
Rickman's answering machine.
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(PHONE RINGING)
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(ON ANSWERING MACHINE)
Hello. You've reached
Alan Rickman at 555-0122.
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Please leave
a message at
the beep.
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(MACHINE BEEPS)
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(ON ANSWERING MACHINE)
Hello, Alan Rickman.
It's Alan Rickman
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reminding you to
move the pork chops
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from the freezer
to the refrigerator
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00:01:08,633 --> 00:01:12,899
so they
defrost properly.
Do not disappoint me.
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00:01:13,901 --> 00:01:16,132
(PHONE RINGING)
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00:01:16,200 --> 00:01:23,865
(ON ANSWERING MACHINE)
Hello. You've reached
Alan Rickman at 555-0122.
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00:01:23,934 --> 00:01:26,732
Please leave
a message at
the beep.
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(MACHINE BEEPS)
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ALAN: (ON ANSWERING MACHINE)
Alan, it's me again.
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Remember that turtle
joke for the party.
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(ALAN LAUGHS)
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Hey, y'all. I want
you to meet my cousin
from Jamaica, Madame Claude.
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Nice to
meet you all.
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(CHUCKLES) You
sound like the crab
from Little Mermaid.
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I had
crabs once.
It's awful.
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You got to buy that cream
that comes with a little
comb.
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Of course I can
still use the comb.
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Well, that's Quagmire.
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And you know what else?
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Madame Claude is psychic.
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She can tell you what
you were in a past life.
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I already know what
I was. A strawberry.
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(SIGHS) It's another
pleasant day for me,
Peter the Strawberry.
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Hey, Mr. Worm.
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I welcome your arrival,
'cause we're all part
of the same garden.
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(CHEWING)
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Wait. What are you...
Wait, hey.
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(BLOWING)
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Hey, get out of here!
Hey!
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(SCREAMING)
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(SOBBING)
He was my neighbor
and he violated me.
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Now I'll never end
up in a fancy pie!
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What do you say, Joe?
You want your past
life read?
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It'll be fun.
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Sure. Why not?
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Okay, dear.
Close your eyes
and clear your mind.
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00:02:38,300 --> 00:02:43,565
Okay.
I'm seeing something.
Joe, you were an octopus.
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Yes!
Yes, this is so
awesome! Damn it!
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00:02:49,101 --> 00:02:52,266
Oh! That's so cool!
That's so cool!
Do me next.
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I'm
getting something.
I see you in London.
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I think
it's the 1800s. Oh, my!
You were Jack the Ripper!
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(FOOTSTEPS ECHOING)
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QUAGMIRE: Giggity!
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What about Peter?
Yeah, Peter next!
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I don't think
there's anything in
that black bag for me.
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00:03:13,533 --> 00:03:16,866
You're wrong, Peter.
Let us begin.
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Oh, my! You were
a very important man.
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You were Griffin Peterson,
the founder of the city
of Quahog.
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Now,
wait a second,
Cool Runnings.
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We learned in school that
Miles "Chatterbox" Musket
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00:03:28,901 --> 00:03:31,632
founded Quahog
after he was saved
by the magic clam.
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No, that is a myth.
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Peter, you were
the founder of
Quahog.
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I see... I see
England a long
time ago.
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MADAME CLAUDE: It is a
crisp, clear spring
morning,
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and Griffin
Peterson is riding to
the home of his beloved.
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Peterson, what
are you doing here?
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00:04:04,467 --> 00:04:07,999
Shouldn't you be down at your
job making oblong bricks out
of manure and straw?
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00:04:08,068 --> 00:04:09,865
No, we're off.
It's Martin Luther Day.
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(CHUCKLES)
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Yes, that's
a very smart joke.
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Isn't that right,
comedy professors?
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(MURMURING IN AGREEMENT)
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PROFESSORS: Well done.
Indeed.
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Now, what do you want?
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00:04:18,934 --> 00:04:21,531
I want to marry your daughter,
and I'm here to ask for your
blessing.
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00:04:21,600 --> 00:04:24,065
What could you possibly
have to offer my daughter?
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Well, I'm one of
the few guys in
this town
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who
isn't dying a slow,
painful diarrhea death.
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All right, come on in.
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Knock-knock.
Lady Redbush?
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(GASPS) Griffin!
It's so good to
see you.
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I'm so horny.
Kiss my hand.
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00:04:41,367 --> 00:04:43,065
What are you doing here?
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00:04:43,134 --> 00:04:46,065
I was just walking off
the rotted goose anus
I had for breakfast,
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and I thought I'd come by
and ask you a little question.
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What's that?
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Will you marry me?
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(GASPS) Oh, my God, yes!
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Yes, I will, Griffin!
Oh, I thought you'd
never ask.
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Did you do it?
I did it!
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(EXCLAIMING EXCITEDLY)
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MADAME CLAUDE:
But in another
part of London,
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there was a man who was
not in such good spirits.
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The King of England,
Stewart the Third.
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(SIGHS) I'm so bored.
I wish to be entertained.
Where's my troupe of actors?
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(TRUMPETS BLOWING FANFARE)
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Presenting the cast of
How I Met Your Mother!
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You told her I told you
I kissed her?
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Dude,
you broke
the bro code.
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That's
not against
the bro code.
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Yes, it is. Article 15 B.
That's the heart of the
bro code, man.
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Whoa, you're right!
I guess I did break
the bro code.
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Hey. Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa...
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00:05:36,368 --> 00:05:37,932
What is this?
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Are these jokes?
Do people in other
castles think this is funny?
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Well, yeah.
We get a pretty sizeable
chunk of princes 18 to 34.
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00:05:45,034 --> 00:05:47,532
I think I'd like to
delete this from my
TiVo.
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Are you sure you want
to delete this program?
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Yes.
118
00:05:51,834 --> 00:05:54,232
Bring me
my mid-season
replacement fool!
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00:05:54,300 --> 00:05:55,299
Hi there.
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00:05:55,368 --> 00:05:56,598
I want to hear
some jokes, fool!
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00:05:56,667 --> 00:05:58,399
Well, you know,
I don't really
tell jokes.
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I like to tell
stories from
my life
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and let the humor
just flow organically
from everyday situations.
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(CLEARS THROAT)
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Yeah,
my aunt Frieda
was a real card.
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00:06:07,267 --> 00:06:09,032
She always
had the most
wonderful spirit,
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00:06:09,100 --> 00:06:11,065
even when her
mind started to go.
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I remember once she wrote
a letter to my Uncle Tom,
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00:06:13,467 --> 00:06:15,732
from whom she'd been
divorced for several
years.
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And in the letter, she
misspelled his name
T-O-M-M.
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And I said,
"Frieda, you've
spelled Tom's name wrong.
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"You need to
take out one of the 'M's."
And she said, "Which one?"
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00:06:25,501 --> 00:06:27,365
You know, you're gonna be
fucking dead in five seconds
134
00:06:27,434 --> 00:06:29,165
if Aunt Frieda doesn't
throw a pie at somebody!
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00:06:29,234 --> 00:06:31,065
I mean,
part of that is you
sort of have to know my...
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00:06:31,134 --> 00:06:32,765
Make me laugh!
Hey, look. Keys.
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(JINGLING KEYS)
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(LAUGHING)
That's so satirical!
What social commentary!
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00:06:38,901 --> 00:06:41,032
Well, now I'm in
a wonderful humor.
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00:06:41,101 --> 00:06:43,199
I wish to go for
a walk into town.
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00:06:46,800 --> 00:06:51,132
Hey, coachman, let's drive on
the left side of the road and
see if that catches on.
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Good Lord!
Who is that?
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That's Lady Redbush
and her husband-to-be,
Griffin Peterson.
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That piece of ass is marrying
that tall glass of poop juice?
145
00:07:04,500 --> 00:07:06,532
Well, not if I have
anything to say
about it.
146
00:07:06,600 --> 00:07:09,132
A woman of that caliber
should be married to
a king.
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00:07:09,201 --> 00:07:10,532
Well, what are you
gonna do about him?
148
00:07:10,600 --> 00:07:12,998
I'm the king, jester.
I'm going to have him
149
00:07:13,067 --> 00:07:15,532
exiled
to the farthest
corner of the world.
150
00:07:15,600 --> 00:07:18,032
And then she'll be all mine!
151
00:07:18,101 --> 00:07:19,899
Why is he such
a jerk to everybody?
152
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Because he has a
very, very small penis.
I've seen it, actually,
153
00:07:23,634 --> 00:07:25,965
and it's,
like, you don't even
want to make fun of it.
154
00:07:26,034 --> 00:07:28,698
You know, it's just
medically fascinating.
155
00:07:28,767 --> 00:07:30,498
I kind of
want to see it.
156
00:07:30,567 --> 00:07:33,866
Yeah, it's like that
one grape in the bunch
that never got to be a grape.
157
00:07:39,534 --> 00:07:41,298
I wonder what's
keeping Griffin?
158
00:07:41,367 --> 00:07:43,065
I'm sure he'll
be along, sweetie.
159
00:07:43,133 --> 00:07:46,065
Remember, he's tubby.
It takes him a while
to move around.
160
00:07:46,133 --> 00:07:48,598
I hope he didn't
get diarrhea and
die.
161
00:07:48,667 --> 00:07:49,699
Can I feel those boobs?
162
00:07:49,768 --> 00:07:51,631
No! Daddy!
What are you? Sick?
163
00:07:51,701 --> 00:07:54,199
Hey,
it's a different time!
164
00:07:54,267 --> 00:07:56,232
What
a wonderfully
exciting day!
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I'm young,
I'm all dressed up,
166
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and I'm on my way to
marry the woman I love.
167
00:08:00,500 --> 00:08:05,199
And there's
290 years separating me
from the films of Kevin Smith.
168
00:08:05,268 --> 00:08:06,865
KING STEWART:
Hey, Peterson.
169
00:08:09,667 --> 00:08:11,398
Who are you?
I'm King Stewart.
170
00:08:11,466 --> 00:08:13,398
Don't
you recognize
me from the coins?
171
00:08:13,467 --> 00:08:15,132
Oh, yeah. The ones
with your profile.
172
00:08:15,200 --> 00:08:17,299
You know,
you look really
weird from the side.
173
00:08:17,367 --> 00:08:20,198
Well, that's something we
didn't really think out
too well when we started.
174
00:08:20,267 --> 00:08:21,598
But never mind that!
175
00:08:21,667 --> 00:08:23,465
You're going into exile,
Peterson!
176
00:08:23,534 --> 00:08:26,365
I'm shipping you out on
the first boat to the
New World!
177
00:08:26,434 --> 00:08:28,065
But I'm supposed
to get married today.
178
00:08:28,134 --> 00:08:29,832
Oh, Yeah? Where are you
going for your honeymoon?
179
00:08:29,901 --> 00:08:31,366
That medium-sized hill.
180
00:08:31,434 --> 00:08:32,831
Wrong! Seize him!
181
00:08:32,901 --> 00:08:34,765
(GRUNTS)
182
00:08:34,834 --> 00:08:38,799
MADAME CLAUDE: And
King Stewart's cruelty
was only just beginning.
183
00:08:38,867 --> 00:08:41,832
Maybe he
changed his mind.
Maybe he's not coming.
184
00:08:41,901 --> 00:08:45,965
Oh! Come on now.
There, feel better
after I just said that?
185
00:08:46,034 --> 00:08:47,999
Now give me one little touch.
No!
186
00:08:48,068 --> 00:08:50,998
I hate this! I...
I... I hate my life!
187
00:08:53,533 --> 00:08:54,665
(GASPS) The king!
188
00:08:54,733 --> 00:08:55,832
The king is here!
189
00:08:55,901 --> 00:08:57,298
Oh, I didn't
vote for him!
190
00:08:57,366 --> 00:08:59,099
Your majesty,
this is a real honor.
191
00:08:59,168 --> 00:09:01,199
Carter Redbush.
Very glad to meet you.
192
00:09:01,267 --> 00:09:03,065
Hello.
Harry MacAfee.
193
00:09:03,134 --> 00:09:05,732
As a citizen,
I'm proud to have
you reign over me
194
00:09:05,800 --> 00:09:09,032
and the MacAfee
Fertilizer Company.
195
00:09:09,101 --> 00:09:12,299
Lady Redbush,
I wish I was here
on a happier errand,
196
00:09:12,368 --> 00:09:16,099
but I'm afraid I must inform
you that Griffin Peterson
is dead.
197
00:09:16,168 --> 00:09:18,099
(GASPS) What?
198
00:09:18,168 --> 00:09:20,198
Now that
some time has passed,
do you want to go out?
199
00:09:25,034 --> 00:09:27,865
MADAME CLAUDE:
With Griffin Peterson
exiled to the New World
200
00:09:27,934 --> 00:09:30,298
and Lady Redbush
believing he was dead,
201
00:09:30,367 --> 00:09:33,032
King Stewart was
now free to marry her.
202
00:09:33,101 --> 00:09:36,399
The bride and groom
have written their
own vows.
203
00:09:36,467 --> 00:09:39,398
Our love is like
two figs hanging
from
204
00:09:39,467 --> 00:09:42,865
a fig tree cradled
by Cupid's own hand.
205
00:09:42,934 --> 00:09:45,232
You and I
are like two...
206
00:09:45,301 --> 00:09:46,998
Oh, uh,
I'm sorry.
Is my wedding
207
00:09:47,067 --> 00:09:49,665
interrupting
your, your promotion?
208
00:09:49,734 --> 00:09:52,232
We're right
in the middle
of our show, okay?
209
00:09:52,301 --> 00:09:55,732
Right now. You have
a time slot. Go there.
210
00:09:55,801 --> 00:09:59,665
Maybe finish this candy bar
before you open another one!
211
00:09:59,734 --> 00:10:00,798
Well, at least it
wasn't one of those
212
00:10:00,867 --> 00:10:02,498
promos where they've
got the whole cast
213
00:10:02,567 --> 00:10:06,066
shoving
each other playfully
like they're all good pals.
214
00:10:06,134 --> 00:10:07,631
Oh, oh, look!
There we go!
215
00:10:07,700 --> 00:10:10,433
Oh! Look
at them jostling
each other around!
216
00:10:10,500 --> 00:10:14,066
Oh! They give each
other a hard time,
but they're friends.
217
00:10:14,134 --> 00:10:15,299
Is that a real show?
218
00:10:15,368 --> 00:10:16,665
No, it's just... No.
219
00:10:16,733 --> 00:10:18,498
Somebody's making
a joke. Forget it.
220
00:10:18,567 --> 00:10:21,799
MADAME CLAUDE: Meanwhile,
Griffin Peterson and the
other exiles
221
00:10:21,867 --> 00:10:24,699
pass the time on the
ship to the New World.
222
00:10:24,767 --> 00:10:28,432
Aw, crap! A splinter.
Well, it's been nice
knowing you guys.
223
00:10:28,500 --> 00:10:30,065
So what'd you
do to get exiled?
224
00:10:30,134 --> 00:10:31,932
I got caught
pleasuring myself
225
00:10:32,000 --> 00:10:36,498
to a painstakingly etched
engraving of the Wife of
Bath. What'd you do?
226
00:10:36,567 --> 00:10:39,665
I slept with
an underage virgin
to cure my puff penis.
227
00:10:39,734 --> 00:10:42,433
Hey, fellows.
You want to join me
in a game of mumble peg?
228
00:10:42,500 --> 00:10:45,066
Oh, no, thanks.
Fine. I'll play by myself.
229
00:10:45,134 --> 00:10:47,166
(MUMBLING GIBBERISH)
230
00:10:48,633 --> 00:10:50,232
One, nothing!
231
00:10:50,301 --> 00:10:53,198
MADAME CLAUDE:
Eventually, after
many months at sea,
232
00:10:53,267 --> 00:10:55,032
Griffin Peterson
and his shipmates
233
00:10:55,100 --> 00:10:58,032
finally reached
the New World.
234
00:10:58,100 --> 00:11:00,465
I declare
this land Quahog!
235
00:11:00,534 --> 00:11:03,299
This place is nothing but
a wilderness! What are we
gonna do?
236
00:11:03,367 --> 00:11:05,632
We're
gonna build
a new settlement.
237
00:11:05,701 --> 00:11:09,265
We'll have a happy new life,
and we'll have equal rights
for all.
238
00:11:09,334 --> 00:11:13,398
Except
blacks, Asians, Hispanics,
Jews, gays, women, Muslims...
239
00:11:13,467 --> 00:11:15,532
Um...
Everybody who's
not a white man.
240
00:11:15,600 --> 00:11:18,299
And I mean white-white.
So no Italians, no Polish.
241
00:11:18,367 --> 00:11:20,898
Just
people from Ireland,
England and Scotland.
242
00:11:20,967 --> 00:11:23,132
But only
certain parts of
Scotland and Ireland.
243
00:11:23,201 --> 00:11:25,065
Just full-blooded whites.
244
00:11:25,134 --> 00:11:26,832
No,
you know what?
Not even whites.
245
00:11:26,900 --> 00:11:28,699
Nobody gets any rights.
246
00:11:28,767 --> 00:11:30,265
(SIGHS) America.
247
00:11:35,834 --> 00:11:38,398
How's your stewed
fox quail, my dear?
248
00:11:38,467 --> 00:11:41,731
It's quite good.
I'm also enjoying
the turtled hen.
249
00:11:41,800 --> 00:11:43,832
Isn't the turtled hen good?
250
00:11:43,901 --> 00:11:46,065
So, listen,
you and I need to
have a conversation
251
00:11:46,134 --> 00:11:48,198
about you not
bearing me a son.
252
00:11:48,267 --> 00:11:49,999
Well, my lord,
we've discussed this.
253
00:11:50,068 --> 00:11:52,732
We have to have sex
in order for me to
bear you a son.
254
00:11:52,801 --> 00:11:56,098
Oh, I know.
I've just been so tired,
and I've had so much work.
255
00:11:56,166 --> 00:11:58,899
And I think... I
think I wanted to the other
day but I couldn't find you.
256
00:11:58,968 --> 00:12:02,498
So, you know,
it's, like, both of us
and our schedules, you know?
257
00:12:02,567 --> 00:12:04,431
Well,
why don't we
do it tonight?
258
00:12:04,500 --> 00:12:07,165
Maybe.
Tonight might
work. Yeah...
259
00:12:07,233 --> 00:12:11,132
Oh, no! I got
that thing in the morning!
How about tomorrow at 4:00?
260
00:12:11,200 --> 00:12:13,265
You know I'm with my
mother tomorrow at 4:00.
261
00:12:13,333 --> 00:12:16,865
Darn it!
I'm gonna be so
horny tomorrow at 4:00.
262
00:12:16,933 --> 00:12:20,132
You know, I got to say I'm
a little mad at you for not
being more available.
263
00:12:20,200 --> 00:12:22,265
We can have sex
right now on the table.
264
00:12:22,333 --> 00:12:25,598
Hey,
hey, hey, hey.
Hey. We eat here.
265
00:12:30,001 --> 00:12:32,132
MADAME CLAUDE:
Griffin Peterson
and the other colonists
266
00:12:32,201 --> 00:12:34,998
worked day and night
to build their new
settlement.
267
00:12:35,067 --> 00:12:37,999
Until finally,
after much hard work,
268
00:12:38,067 --> 00:12:40,799
the colony of
Quahog was complete.
269
00:12:49,734 --> 00:12:51,732
It didn't take
long before Quahog
270
00:12:51,800 --> 00:12:56,332
was a thriving New World
settlement bustling with
life.
271
00:12:56,400 --> 00:12:58,166
Boy, everything's
shaping up real nice!
272
00:12:58,235 --> 00:13:00,765
Yeah,
and we finally finished
the town abortion clinic.
273
00:13:02,400 --> 00:13:03,665
(PANTING)
274
00:13:05,067 --> 00:13:06,799
(COIN CLINKING)
275
00:13:06,867 --> 00:13:09,632
MADAME CLAUDE: Time had
helped Griffin forget
Lady Redbush.
276
00:13:09,701 --> 00:13:12,565
And soon
he found himself
a hearty new wife.
277
00:13:12,634 --> 00:13:16,166
Boy, that was fantastic!
You must have had a lot
of practice.
278
00:13:16,234 --> 00:13:19,132
No, not really.
I've been saving
myself for marriage.
279
00:13:19,201 --> 00:13:20,232
(SIGHS)
280
00:13:20,301 --> 00:13:21,499
We should probably
open up some windows.
281
00:13:26,333 --> 00:13:28,098
I don't know
what to do,
jester.
282
00:13:28,167 --> 00:13:30,432
I can't be married
to the king anymore.
283
00:13:30,501 --> 00:13:32,932
My heart
still belongs to
Griffin Peterson,
284
00:13:33,001 --> 00:13:34,264
but he's dead.
285
00:13:34,333 --> 00:13:36,665
(SIGHS)
No, he's not.
286
00:13:36,734 --> 00:13:38,365
What?
287
00:13:38,433 --> 00:13:40,998
I was ordered to keep silent
by the king under threat of
execution.
288
00:13:41,067 --> 00:13:43,599
But
you're gonna
see this anyway.
289
00:13:48,300 --> 00:13:51,765
(GASPS) Oh, my God!
He's alive.
290
00:13:51,834 --> 00:13:53,632
Jester,
I've got to get to him.
291
00:13:53,700 --> 00:13:55,598
I'll help you, but
only if I can go
with you.
292
00:13:55,667 --> 00:13:58,498
If I stay here, the king will
execute me for telling you
all this.
293
00:13:58,567 --> 00:13:59,799
He's a real fit head.
294
00:13:59,868 --> 00:14:02,032
Well, okay.
But how are we
gonna get there?
295
00:14:02,101 --> 00:14:04,699
We'll
hitch a ride on one of the
slave ships tomorrow night
296
00:14:04,767 --> 00:14:07,199
after
an all-new
Shovin' Buddies.
297
00:14:09,367 --> 00:14:12,565
Followed by an all-new
Slowly Rotating Black Man.
298
00:14:16,767 --> 00:14:19,199
MADAME CLAUDE: And so
Lady Redbush sailed off
299
00:14:19,268 --> 00:14:21,865
to the New World
to find her beloved,
300
00:14:21,934 --> 00:14:23,431
and the timing
was good because
301
00:14:23,500 --> 00:14:25,332
his new wife was
a pain in him ass.
302
00:14:25,401 --> 00:14:27,065
And then I finished
scrubbing the kettle,
303
00:14:27,134 --> 00:14:29,065
but then I saw that
I had missed a spot.
304
00:14:29,134 --> 00:14:31,799
And, oh, I was so worried that
the whole thing wasn't clean
enough,
305
00:14:31,867 --> 00:14:33,699
so I went back and
started washing it
again.
306
00:14:33,767 --> 00:14:36,165
And sure enough,
I'd missed another spot.
307
00:14:36,234 --> 00:14:38,898
And there was a clump
of cornmeal under the rim
from when I made breakfast.
308
00:14:38,967 --> 00:14:41,132
Shut up, Meg!
I pray thee,
shut up.
309
00:14:41,200 --> 00:14:42,365
Griffin!
310
00:14:42,434 --> 00:14:43,898
Lady Redbush!
311
00:14:46,901 --> 00:14:51,699
MADAME CLAUDE: And so Griffin
Peterson and Lady Redbush
were happily reunited.
312
00:14:51,767 --> 00:14:56,465
Of course, Griffin had
to go through the complex,
extensive divorce procedure
313
00:14:56,533 --> 00:14:59,065
required by 18th
century society.
314
00:15:03,868 --> 00:15:06,098
Gone?
What do you
mean she's gone?
315
00:15:06,166 --> 00:15:09,198
Sire,
Lady Redbush has been
gone these six months.
316
00:15:09,267 --> 00:15:10,532
Six months?
317
00:15:10,600 --> 00:15:12,365
Yes. Forgive me, sire.
318
00:15:12,434 --> 00:15:14,032
But how could you
not be aware of this?
319
00:15:14,100 --> 00:15:15,999
Don't you share
a bedchamber with her?
320
00:15:16,067 --> 00:15:17,465
(STUTTERING) Well,
I mean, sometimes,
I mean,
321
00:15:17,534 --> 00:15:19,399
we sleep... We... We...
We go to different...
322
00:15:19,467 --> 00:15:20,999
We go to bed
at different times.
323
00:15:21,067 --> 00:15:23,565
We've
both been so busy
it's been ridiculous.
324
00:15:23,634 --> 00:15:25,965
I thought
she was taking
a class or something.
325
00:15:26,034 --> 00:15:28,832
Oh, man! That sucks
because I'm so horny.
326
00:15:28,901 --> 00:15:32,165
Damn it! Oh... I wanted
to do sex to her tonight.
327
00:15:32,234 --> 00:15:34,232
Well, then I guess
we've got to go
get her.
328
00:15:34,300 --> 00:15:35,632
(UNENTHUSIASTICALLY) Yeah.
All right.
329
00:15:38,567 --> 00:15:40,132
MADAME CLAUDE:
Months rolled by,
330
00:15:40,200 --> 00:15:42,632
and Griffin and
Lady Redbush continued
331
00:15:42,700 --> 00:15:45,399
to flourish happily in
the colony of Quahog,
332
00:15:45,467 --> 00:15:49,866
completely unaware
that King Stewart
was on the march.
333
00:15:49,934 --> 00:15:54,565
CHORUS: ♪ There was
a peaceful town
called Quahog
334
00:15:54,634 --> 00:15:58,131
♪ Where people
lived in harmony
335
00:15:59,567 --> 00:16:04,399
♪ They never had
no kind of trouble
336
00:16:04,467 --> 00:16:07,766
♪ There was no
hint of misery
337
00:16:13,100 --> 00:16:15,998
(SINGING FASTER)
♪ Then all at once
the trouble started
338
00:16:16,067 --> 00:16:19,066
♪ A pack of
murderers and thieves
339
00:16:19,134 --> 00:16:22,132
♪ Like swarms of
locusts they descended
340
00:16:22,201 --> 00:16:24,766
♪ Their aim to make
the town folk flee ♪
341
00:16:27,400 --> 00:16:30,231
They've
got to be here somewhere.
Where's my first lieutenant?
342
00:16:30,300 --> 00:16:33,966
Here I am, sir.
Yes, sir. Right indeed.
Here indeed. Yes, I am, sir!
343
00:16:34,034 --> 00:16:36,364
I want
you to turn this
settlement upside down
344
00:16:36,433 --> 00:16:38,731
until you
find Lady Redbush
and Griffin Peterson!
345
00:16:38,801 --> 00:16:41,698
That fat bastard thinks he
can steal my bride and
get away with it?
346
00:16:41,767 --> 00:16:44,132
I wouldn't bet
a corn farthing
on him escaping.
347
00:16:44,201 --> 00:16:47,364
No, I wouldn't.
Not a corn farthing
would I bet. No, sir.
348
00:16:47,433 --> 00:16:48,464
What's wrong with you?
349
00:16:48,533 --> 00:16:49,965
A little wrong
in the head, I am,
350
00:16:50,034 --> 00:16:51,631
from eating
some bad sausages.
351
00:16:51,700 --> 00:16:54,298
Yes,
some bad sausages
did I eat, indeed, sir.
352
00:16:54,366 --> 00:16:56,898
Yes, I did. Some
bad sausages ate I.
353
00:17:00,466 --> 00:17:04,099
Oh, Griffin,
this time together has
been the happiest of my life.
354
00:17:04,168 --> 00:17:07,732
Me, too, Lady Redbush.
All those months I
was without you
355
00:17:07,801 --> 00:17:09,298
I never stopped
seeing your face
356
00:17:09,366 --> 00:17:10,799
in the back of
my wife's head.
357
00:17:10,867 --> 00:17:13,498
And all those months
I was sailing for
the New World,
358
00:17:13,567 --> 00:17:16,464
I saw your face in
every slave's stomach.
359
00:17:16,533 --> 00:17:18,099
Tell me we'll be
together forever.
360
00:17:18,168 --> 00:17:19,465
We will.
361
00:17:20,001 --> 00:17:21,364
(BOTH GASP)
362
00:17:21,433 --> 00:17:23,932
I found him, Your Majesty.
Indeed, yes, I did found
him, did I.
363
00:17:24,001 --> 00:17:25,198
Indeed, yes, sir. I did.
364
00:17:25,267 --> 00:17:26,699
Yeah, okay, okay.
Whatever.
365
00:17:26,767 --> 00:17:29,099
All right, Peterson, two
things are gonna happen
here.
366
00:17:29,168 --> 00:17:31,465
I'm gonna take my wife back,
and then I'm gonna kill you!
367
00:17:31,533 --> 00:17:34,132
All right. All right,
Mr. King, sir. You win.
368
00:17:34,201 --> 00:17:37,032
I'm sorry,
Lady Redbush, but
he is your husband.
369
00:17:37,101 --> 00:17:40,631
Let me just walk over here
and get your things for you...
370
00:17:40,701 --> 00:17:41,799
(SHOUTING)
371
00:17:41,867 --> 00:17:43,165
All right,
Your Majesty.
372
00:17:43,234 --> 00:17:44,965
If you want to leave
with your pal in one
piece,
373
00:17:45,034 --> 00:17:46,165
I suggest you throw
down your weapons!
374
00:17:46,234 --> 00:17:47,298
Ah!
375
00:17:47,367 --> 00:17:48,565
Go ahead and kill him,
Griffin!
376
00:17:48,634 --> 00:17:49,799
You kill him
and I'll kill her!
377
00:17:49,868 --> 00:17:51,599
Go ahead!
You kill her,
I'll kill him!
378
00:17:51,667 --> 00:17:53,065
Go ahead.
You kill him,
I'll kill her!
379
00:17:53,133 --> 00:17:54,832
Knock yourself out.
You kill her,
I'll kill him.
380
00:17:54,901 --> 00:17:57,231
(LAUGHS MOCKINGLY)
This is me laughing.
You kill him, I'll kill her!
381
00:17:57,300 --> 00:18:00,565
(LAUGHS) This is
me before Ultra Slim-Fast.
You kill her, I'll kill him!
382
00:18:00,633 --> 00:18:04,731
Wait, wait!
There's got to be a
better way to settle this!
383
00:18:04,800 --> 00:18:06,431
Talent show?
Talent show.
384
00:18:10,600 --> 00:18:12,965
"Hear ye. Hear ye.
This talent competition
385
00:18:13,034 --> 00:18:15,531
"will decide
rightful possession
of the good Lady Redbush
386
00:18:15,600 --> 00:18:17,865
"and control of
the colony of Quahog."
387
00:18:17,934 --> 00:18:20,166
We first present
King Stewart of
England
388
00:18:20,233 --> 00:18:22,099
with some
observational humor.
389
00:18:22,167 --> 00:18:23,432
Hi there, everybody.
390
00:18:23,500 --> 00:18:25,998
You know, my Aunt
Frieda was a real
card.
391
00:18:26,067 --> 00:18:27,932
She always
had the most
wonderful spirit,
392
00:18:28,000 --> 00:18:29,799
even when her
mind started
to go.
393
00:18:29,868 --> 00:18:31,065
What the fuck?
394
00:18:31,134 --> 00:18:33,332
I remember once she
wrote a letter to
my Uncle Tom,
395
00:18:33,400 --> 00:18:35,498
from whom she'd been
divorced for several
years.
396
00:18:35,567 --> 00:18:38,465
And in the letter, she
misspelled his name
T-O-M-M.
397
00:18:38,533 --> 00:18:40,799
This is my bit.
These are all
my bits.
398
00:18:40,867 --> 00:18:42,832
(SHUSHING) This is funny.
Unbelievable.
399
00:18:42,901 --> 00:18:45,032
And I said,
"Frieda, you've
spelled Tom's name wrong.
400
00:18:45,101 --> 00:18:47,598
"You need to
take out one of the 'M's."
And she said, "Which one?"
401
00:18:47,667 --> 00:18:48,731
(CROWD LAUGHING)
402
00:18:53,266 --> 00:18:55,332
(CROWD EXCLAIMING)
403
00:18:59,834 --> 00:19:01,931
(CROWD EXCLAIMING)
404
00:19:02,000 --> 00:19:03,565
(ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING)
405
00:19:29,567 --> 00:19:33,665
♪ Clap your hands, everybody
And everybody clap your hands
406
00:19:33,734 --> 00:19:37,465
♪ We are the
Quahog colonists
and Mort the Jew
407
00:19:37,534 --> 00:19:38,998
♪ Hey there
408
00:19:39,067 --> 00:19:42,598
♪ We're out
here on stage tonight
to do a show for you
409
00:19:42,667 --> 00:19:45,032
♪ We got
Peterson on the violin
410
00:19:45,101 --> 00:19:47,432
♪ And Quagmire and
Joe will be joining in
411
00:19:47,501 --> 00:19:49,765
♪ We got
stumpy Seamus
on the lead guitar
412
00:19:49,834 --> 00:19:51,765
♪ And he's gonna give
you a great big... ♪
413
00:19:51,834 --> 00:19:53,865
(GRUNTING)
414
00:19:54,533 --> 00:19:55,631
Break!
415
00:19:55,700 --> 00:19:57,699
(CROWD APPLAUDING)
416
00:19:57,767 --> 00:20:00,565
Oh, God,
they put so much
work into theirs!
417
00:20:00,634 --> 00:20:02,965
I didn't know we
could rip off movies!
418
00:20:15,000 --> 00:20:16,765
MADAME CLAUDE:
And from then on,
419
00:20:16,834 --> 00:20:21,165
Lady Redbush and
Griffin Peterson lived
in peace and happiness.
420
00:20:22,567 --> 00:20:24,198
Oh, Griffin, I love you.
421
00:20:24,267 --> 00:20:25,865
And I you.
422
00:20:25,934 --> 00:20:28,532
Let's grow old
into our 30s
together.
423
00:20:30,501 --> 00:20:32,799
I want to have
a baby with you.
424
00:20:32,868 --> 00:20:35,799
And I want to be there
when you die giving
birth to it.
425
00:20:40,368 --> 00:20:45,165
And so ends the
tale of Griffin Peterson
and the founding of Quahog.
426
00:20:45,234 --> 00:20:46,899
Well,
what a bunch
of delightfully
427
00:20:46,968 --> 00:20:49,232
colorful
characters!
So, is that it?
428
00:20:49,301 --> 00:20:53,199
That's it. Now stay tuned for
an all-new Crossarmed
Opposites.
429
00:20:53,801 --> 00:20:54,799
This guy.
430
00:20:54,868 --> 00:20:56,366
No, this guy.
431
00:20:56,434 --> 00:20:57,665
No, this guy.
432
00:20:57,734 --> 00:20:59,532
No, this guy.
433
00:20:59,601 --> 00:21:01,232
Both of us.
434
00:21:01,301 --> 00:21:03,398
(BOTH LAUGHING)
435
00:21:09,300 --> 00:21:11,032
(BOTH SIGHING)
436
00:21:48,201 --> 00:21:49,198
English - US - Line 21