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00:00:12,634 --> 00:00:16,032
NARRATOR: Gathered together
from the cosmic reaches
of the universe.
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00:00:16,100 --> 00:00:18,432
Here in this
great Hall of Justice
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00:00:18,501 --> 00:00:22,366
are the most
powerful forces of
good ever assembled.
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00:00:27,234 --> 00:00:28,666
Superman.
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00:00:32,534 --> 00:00:34,165
Batman and Robin.
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00:00:37,467 --> 00:00:38,999
Wonder Woman.
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00:00:40,701 --> 00:00:42,032
(ROARING)
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00:00:42,901 --> 00:00:44,532
Aquaman.
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00:00:46,934 --> 00:00:48,565
And Meg.
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00:00:48,634 --> 00:00:53,966
Dedicated to truth,
justice, and peace
for all mankind.
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00:01:02,634 --> 00:01:03,966
Hey, Quagmire.
What you got there?
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00:01:04,034 --> 00:01:05,799
It's the new
Sports Illustrated
Swimsuit Issue.
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00:01:05,867 --> 00:01:07,332
Check it out.
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00:01:07,401 --> 00:01:09,265
Those swimsuit issues
don't excite me like
they used to.
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00:01:09,334 --> 00:01:11,299
I've been spoiled
by Internet porn.
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00:01:11,367 --> 00:01:12,599
It's true.
Totally.
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00:01:12,667 --> 00:01:14,399
What do you mean,
"Internet porn"?
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00:01:14,468 --> 00:01:16,765
You don't know
about Internet porn?
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00:01:16,834 --> 00:01:18,765
Don't know what?
I'm not really
a computer guy.
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00:01:18,834 --> 00:01:20,332
Quagmire,
I would think you,
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00:01:20,401 --> 00:01:22,799
of all people,
would know about
Internet porn.
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00:01:22,868 --> 00:01:24,032
They've got, like,
thousands,
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00:01:24,101 --> 00:01:25,966
literally millions
of naked pictures
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00:01:26,035 --> 00:01:27,033
on the Internet.
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00:01:27,835 --> 00:01:28,966
What?
And videos.
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00:01:29,035 --> 00:01:30,498
Thousands of them.
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00:01:30,567 --> 00:01:31,599
You guys are
messing with me.
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00:01:31,667 --> 00:01:33,165
Quagmire, you don't
use the Internet?
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00:01:33,234 --> 00:01:35,432
You mean that crappy
dial-up thing that's
a pain in the ass?
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00:01:35,501 --> 00:01:37,865
No, I don't use the damn
Internet. I thought that
was for nerds.
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00:01:37,934 --> 00:01:39,598
Why didn't you
guys tell me?
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00:01:39,667 --> 00:01:42,265
Oh, yeah. You can
even see Tonya Harding's
honeymoon video on there.
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00:01:42,334 --> 00:01:46,598
I mean, it's gross,
but it's, like,
famous gross.
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00:01:46,667 --> 00:01:47,833
You know, these women
don't compare
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00:01:47,901 --> 00:01:50,099
to the old swimsuit issues
with Kathy Ireland.
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00:01:50,168 --> 00:01:52,032
Yeah, she had it
going on.
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00:01:52,101 --> 00:01:54,932
You know, Horace still has
one of those old beer
promotion cutouts of her
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00:01:55,001 --> 00:01:57,966
from, like, 1994,
in the back room.
Don't you, Horace?
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00:01:58,034 --> 00:01:59,933
You mean this thing?
I was about to
throw it out.
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00:02:00,001 --> 00:02:01,298
If anyone wants it,
it's theirs.
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00:02:08,401 --> 00:02:11,432
♪ Suddenly
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00:02:12,867 --> 00:02:18,732
♪ Life has
new meaning to me
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00:02:19,834 --> 00:02:23,365
♪ There's beauty up above
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00:02:23,434 --> 00:02:27,666
♪ And things
we never take notice of
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00:02:27,734 --> 00:02:33,432
♪ You wake up
and suddenly
you're in love ♪
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00:02:38,168 --> 00:02:40,331
(WHISPERING)
I'm taking you
home with me.
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00:02:43,901 --> 00:02:47,132
ANNOUNCER ON TV:
We now return to the
NBA Playoffs on TNT.
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00:02:47,200 --> 00:02:49,165
And we're just
minutes away from Game 1
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00:02:49,233 --> 00:02:52,098
between
the Los Angeles Lakers
and the Denver Nuggets.
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00:02:52,167 --> 00:02:54,666
Both teams
a little shorthanded
to start these Playoffs.
51
00:02:54,734 --> 00:02:57,131
Of course, Kobe Bryant is
out battling a rape charge.
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00:02:57,200 --> 00:03:00,699
Lamar Odom is suspended
for violating the league's
substance abuse policy.
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00:03:00,768 --> 00:03:03,999
Smush Parker, assault,
Kwame Brown,
suspicion of rape,
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00:03:04,067 --> 00:03:06,298
but in his defense,
"Not a minor."
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00:03:06,367 --> 00:03:08,332
Allen Iverson, picked up
for marijuana possession
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00:03:08,400 --> 00:03:10,465
and carrying
a concealed weapon.
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00:03:10,534 --> 00:03:14,099
And Darrell Armstrong faces
a charge of battery against
a female police officer.
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00:03:14,167 --> 00:03:17,099
But Luke Walton's here
and he's ready to play.
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Hey, Dad. Where are you
going with that cutout?
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00:03:25,101 --> 00:03:27,166
Oh, hey, kids.
This is Kathy.
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00:03:27,234 --> 00:03:29,366
We're designing
lifestyle products
together.
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00:03:29,435 --> 00:03:31,565
It's completely legitimate,
but don't tell your mother.
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00:03:36,234 --> 00:03:38,599
I had a great time
today at the museum.
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00:03:38,668 --> 00:03:40,899
You were the most
beautiful woman there.
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00:03:40,967 --> 00:03:45,099
You know, Lois won't be home
from groceries for a while.
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00:03:45,168 --> 00:03:46,665
I have an idea.
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00:03:51,834 --> 00:03:53,599
Knock, knock.
Anyone in
the bathroom?
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00:03:58,335 --> 00:03:59,532
(SCREAMING)
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00:04:02,768 --> 00:04:05,799
I love the time
we've spent together,
you know that?
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00:04:05,868 --> 00:04:09,232
Hey, Kathy, guess what?
I'm out.
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00:04:09,301 --> 00:04:12,332
Under the table
right now. I'm out.
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00:04:13,102 --> 00:04:14,432
Peter?
Oh, no.
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00:04:14,501 --> 00:04:16,232
What the hell
is going on?
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00:04:16,300 --> 00:04:18,565
I sent you to pick up
dinner an hour ago.
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00:04:18,634 --> 00:04:20,765
What are you doing
with that cutout?
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00:04:20,834 --> 00:04:22,732
You know what, Lois?
I'm glad you found out.
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00:04:22,800 --> 00:04:25,066
I can't carry on
the charade anymore.
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00:04:25,135 --> 00:04:26,899
I have an announcement
to make.
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00:04:26,968 --> 00:04:28,199
No, no.
I'll do it.
I'll do it.
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00:04:28,268 --> 00:04:30,099
I know I've been able
to keep this a secret.
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00:04:30,168 --> 00:04:34,099
But Kathy and I are
not actually working
on a project together.
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00:04:34,735 --> 00:04:36,632
We're in love.
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00:04:37,401 --> 00:04:38,465
You're an idiot.
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00:04:38,534 --> 00:04:40,299
My lawyer will
call your lawyer.
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00:04:40,367 --> 00:04:41,999
Oh, this is the
stupidest thing
he's done
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00:04:42,068 --> 00:04:44,333
since he got in
a turf war with
that cat.
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00:04:44,402 --> 00:04:46,466
(BOTH SNARLING)
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00:04:48,534 --> 00:04:49,866
(CAT HISSING)
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00:04:52,134 --> 00:04:53,499
MAN: Hey, shut up!
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00:04:53,568 --> 00:04:54,565
(PETER AND CAT HISSING)
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00:04:57,834 --> 00:05:00,432
Now, kids, you don't
have to call her
Mom right away,
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00:05:00,501 --> 00:05:02,866
but I do want you
guys to get along.
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00:05:02,934 --> 00:05:04,698
Just give her a chance.
I think you'll like her.
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00:05:04,768 --> 00:05:07,498
Maybe she'll let us
do things that Lois
won't let us do.
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00:05:07,567 --> 00:05:11,766
Yeah. Hey, Mom,
can I pull
my pants down?
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00:05:11,834 --> 00:05:13,531
If she doesn't answer,
does that mean yes?
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00:05:13,600 --> 00:05:14,999
That's what I've
been going with.
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00:05:15,068 --> 00:05:16,298
(CHEERING)
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00:05:18,235 --> 00:05:19,632
I want to get in
on that.
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00:05:21,801 --> 00:05:24,066
Mine's better.
Mine's better.
Mine's better!
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00:05:27,634 --> 00:05:29,232
Oh, hello, Lois.
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00:05:29,300 --> 00:05:31,465
I would have thought
you'd have moved in
with your mother by now.
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00:05:31,534 --> 00:05:34,198
No, Peter. I'm just
pretty much letting
this run its course.
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Well, I'm sorry
you're handling
this so poorly,
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but have you
seen Kathy?
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We were gonna go get
her passport renewed.
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00:05:39,001 --> 00:05:41,466
Oh, Chris took her
into his room about
10 minutes ago.
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00:05:41,534 --> 00:05:43,732
What? That whore!
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00:05:43,801 --> 00:05:47,299
She's betrayed me worse than
Lady Macbeth betrayed Duncan.
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00:05:49,068 --> 00:05:50,466
(ROARING)
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00:05:53,500 --> 00:05:56,699
I... I don't know
Shakespeare very well.
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00:05:57,267 --> 00:06:00,531
Kathy! Kathy!
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00:06:00,600 --> 00:06:02,966
There you are.
Oh, don't give me
that look.
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00:06:03,035 --> 00:06:04,565
You don't think I know
where you've been?
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00:06:04,634 --> 00:06:06,732
How dare you
make a fool of me?
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00:06:06,801 --> 00:06:08,498
Did you have sex
with that fat kid?
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00:06:08,567 --> 00:06:13,165
Did you? Answer me!
Oh, my God. Look
what you made me do.
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(CRYING) Why did you have
to provoke me? Why did you...
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00:06:20,534 --> 00:06:23,599
Quagmire? There you are.
Nobody's seen you in days.
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00:06:23,668 --> 00:06:26,298
Hey, Peter.
I've just been
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00:06:27,467 --> 00:06:29,632
checking out some
of that Internet porn.
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00:06:29,701 --> 00:06:30,799
You okay?
123
00:06:30,868 --> 00:06:32,265
Yeah, yeah. I'm good.
I'm good. I'm good.
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00:06:32,334 --> 00:06:35,765
I'm just gonna go
and check my mail
over there.
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00:06:35,835 --> 00:06:37,065
You been
lifting weights?
126
00:06:37,134 --> 00:06:39,099
No.
127
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No, I don't...
I don't think... No.
128
00:06:43,201 --> 00:06:46,665
I'm... I'm sorry, Peter.
I... I got to...
I got to get back.
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00:06:52,400 --> 00:06:55,799
I'm sorry, Lois.
I was a fool.
I'm done with Kathy.
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00:06:55,868 --> 00:06:57,365
Can you ever
forgive me?
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00:06:57,433 --> 00:06:58,531
(CRYING)
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00:06:58,600 --> 00:07:01,233
Peter, settle down.
Yes, I forgive you.
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00:07:01,300 --> 00:07:03,665
Just as long as
you're done with
that stupid cutout.
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00:07:03,734 --> 00:07:06,398
I just want you to
know that every time
I was with her,
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00:07:06,467 --> 00:07:09,200
I was thinking of you.
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00:07:09,268 --> 00:07:12,799
Peter, stop. Come on.
I'm not in the mood.
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00:07:13,767 --> 00:07:15,133
(LAUGHING)
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00:07:15,202 --> 00:07:17,265
Oh, Peter.
139
00:07:17,333 --> 00:07:19,099
Oh, Lois,
I missed you.
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00:07:19,167 --> 00:07:21,866
You and your
wonderful smile,
and your beautiful eyes,
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00:07:21,934 --> 00:07:24,732
and your awesome
third boob that's on
top of the other boob.
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00:07:24,801 --> 00:07:27,132
LOIS: What?
Oh, my God.
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00:07:27,201 --> 00:07:29,632
Peter,
that's not a boob.
That's a lump.
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00:07:29,701 --> 00:07:31,366
A lump? Holy crap!
145
00:07:34,101 --> 00:07:36,532
Peter, stop that!
We're not having sex.
146
00:07:36,601 --> 00:07:38,266
I just told you
I have a lump.
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00:07:38,334 --> 00:07:40,665
I got a lump, too.
And mine's easier
to get rid of.
148
00:07:44,768 --> 00:07:46,265
Mrs. Griffin,
I've got good news.
149
00:07:46,333 --> 00:07:48,598
Your test results
came back negative.
150
00:07:48,668 --> 00:07:52,033
It appears the lump
in your breast is not
black gross boob death.
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00:07:52,101 --> 00:07:53,133
Breast cancer?
152
00:07:53,200 --> 00:07:54,466
That's the
layman's term, yes.
153
00:07:54,534 --> 00:07:57,166
Oh, thank God.
What a relief.
154
00:07:57,235 --> 00:07:58,666
Yeah. That was scary.
155
00:07:58,734 --> 00:08:00,966
Now, Mrs. Griffin,
although you're in the
clear for the moment,
156
00:08:01,034 --> 00:08:03,232
we need
to have a look at your
family medical history
157
00:08:03,300 --> 00:08:06,065
to determine
your future risk.
158
00:08:06,134 --> 00:08:09,465
That's curious. I didn't
realize your mother was
a Holocaust survivor.
159
00:08:09,534 --> 00:08:12,632
My mother?
Oh, no. That's...
That's impossible.
160
00:08:12,700 --> 00:08:13,899
She's not Jewish.
161
00:08:13,967 --> 00:08:16,332
According to her
birth certificate,
she is.
162
00:08:16,401 --> 00:08:17,999
Oh, my God.
163
00:08:18,067 --> 00:08:21,565
Wow. Breast cancer's
starting to look
pretty good.
164
00:08:27,801 --> 00:08:29,599
Mom, you're Jewish?
165
00:08:29,668 --> 00:08:32,199
I'm sorry I never
told you, dear.
166
00:08:32,267 --> 00:08:35,165
When we were married,
your father made me
conceal the fact
167
00:08:35,234 --> 00:08:37,199
so he could get
into country clubs.
168
00:08:37,267 --> 00:08:38,565
It was the right
thing to do.
169
00:08:38,634 --> 00:08:41,198
It was the right
thing to do, dear.
170
00:08:41,267 --> 00:08:45,099
Oh, my God.
So Grandma Hebrewberg
is actually Jewish?
171
00:08:45,168 --> 00:08:47,332
Yes. When she moved
to America,
172
00:08:47,400 --> 00:08:49,132
her family changed
their name.
173
00:08:49,200 --> 00:08:52,165
It was originally
Hebrewbergmoneygrabber.
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00:08:52,234 --> 00:08:55,532
That makes you Jewish, Lois.
And your children, too.
175
00:08:55,601 --> 00:08:57,366
This kind of
rocks my world,
176
00:08:57,434 --> 00:09:00,632
even more than the time
I went to that pediatrician.
177
00:09:00,700 --> 00:09:04,232
Whoa, Stewie.
You're getting
to be a big boy.
178
00:09:04,301 --> 00:09:06,432
I think
somebody's gonna
be a football star.
179
00:09:06,501 --> 00:09:08,466
Oh, you.
180
00:09:08,534 --> 00:09:11,233
Forgot your chart.
Be right back.
181
00:09:11,301 --> 00:09:14,866
Whoa, Jason.
You're getting
to be a big boy.
182
00:09:14,934 --> 00:09:17,833
I think
somebody's gonna
be a football star.
183
00:09:17,901 --> 00:09:19,866
I can't believe
I fell for that line.
184
00:09:19,934 --> 00:09:23,032
I actually let myself
believe I could be
a doctor's wife.
185
00:09:23,101 --> 00:09:24,866
You're just fat, Stewie.
Silly and fat.
186
00:09:29,768 --> 00:09:31,198
Thank you for
coming over, Max.
187
00:09:31,267 --> 00:09:34,333
I really
need some advice from
an actual Jewish person.
188
00:09:34,402 --> 00:09:35,732
Oh, it's my
pleasure, Lois.
189
00:09:35,801 --> 00:09:38,132
I'm sure
this all must be
very overwhelming.
190
00:09:38,201 --> 00:09:40,999
I just don't know
what to do with
this information.
191
00:09:41,067 --> 00:09:43,332
I've spent my whole
life as a Christian.
192
00:09:43,401 --> 00:09:45,799
I'll tell you what
you should do with it.
Absolutely nothing.
193
00:09:45,868 --> 00:09:47,266
That's the problem
with this world.
194
00:09:47,335 --> 00:09:49,499
Too many people go
overboard with what
they believe.
195
00:09:49,568 --> 00:09:52,532
Like Quagmire when
he thought he was the
one getting the spinoff.
196
00:09:52,601 --> 00:09:53,899
See you later, bitches.
197
00:09:53,967 --> 00:09:56,599
Have fun with your stupid,
goddamn giant chicken jokes
198
00:09:56,667 --> 00:09:58,165
and your Conway Twitty...
199
00:09:58,234 --> 00:10:00,432
Hey, why is there
a moving truck outside
Cleveland's house?
200
00:10:00,501 --> 00:10:02,265
Well, I wouldn't put it
quite like that,
201
00:10:02,333 --> 00:10:03,999
but, essentially,
Brian's right.
202
00:10:04,068 --> 00:10:07,632
Being Jewish doesn't
really have to change you
or your family's life.
203
00:10:07,701 --> 00:10:09,199
Well, I guess
you're right.
204
00:10:09,268 --> 00:10:12,098
There's no reason
things should be any
different around here.
205
00:10:12,167 --> 00:10:13,899
Shalom, Jews.
206
00:10:13,968 --> 00:10:17,433
Wow, Dad! Where
did you get all that
glistening chest hair?
207
00:10:17,501 --> 00:10:18,966
It came with
my Star of David.
208
00:10:19,035 --> 00:10:21,833
Everyone, from now on
our lives will be better.
209
00:10:21,901 --> 00:10:24,066
We'll be wealthy,
our sons will
become doctors,
210
00:10:24,134 --> 00:10:25,699
and we'll be in
charge of charity,
211
00:10:25,768 --> 00:10:27,299
so we don't have to
contribute to them.
212
00:10:27,368 --> 00:10:29,466
I'm offended by that,
and I'm not even Jewish.
213
00:10:29,534 --> 00:10:31,033
Peter,
what is all this?
214
00:10:31,101 --> 00:10:34,532
Look, this is my way
of letting you know that
I'm embracing who you are.
215
00:10:34,601 --> 00:10:35,899
Oh, and I don't
respond to Peter.
216
00:10:35,968 --> 00:10:38,099
From now on,
I want you to use
my Hebrew name.
217
00:10:38,168 --> 00:10:41,232
(HISSING)
218
00:10:41,301 --> 00:10:43,432
Well, I caution you...
219
00:10:43,501 --> 00:10:45,399
(HISSING)
220
00:10:45,468 --> 00:10:48,466
...that becoming Jewish
doesn't happen overnight.
221
00:10:48,534 --> 00:10:52,632
It's a process
that involves spiritual
education and good works.
222
00:10:52,701 --> 00:10:54,833
So what you're saying is
that it happens overnight?
223
00:10:54,901 --> 00:10:56,965
Look, Peter, I'm the one
with the Jewish heritage
224
00:10:57,034 --> 00:10:59,499
and I really
don't want to make
a big deal out of this.
225
00:10:59,568 --> 00:11:02,265
Leave it to a Jew
to take all the fun
out of being a Jew.
226
00:11:02,334 --> 00:11:03,699
Now, listen up.
I like the hat
and I like the scarf,
227
00:11:03,767 --> 00:11:04,765
so we're doing this.
228
00:11:09,901 --> 00:11:12,933
Kids, from now on
this is where we'll
celebrate the Sabbath.
229
00:11:13,001 --> 00:11:15,066
Peter, this is
all unnecessary.
230
00:11:15,134 --> 00:11:17,166
Our life was fine
the way it was.
231
00:11:17,234 --> 00:11:19,333
Check it out.
I'm one of you
guys now, huh?
232
00:11:19,401 --> 00:11:23,066
I'm Jewish!
Yeah! Holocaust!
We're number one!
233
00:11:23,134 --> 00:11:25,566
Look at all these
short, hairy men.
234
00:11:25,634 --> 00:11:28,465
God, I feel like I'm on
the forest moon of Endor.
235
00:11:28,534 --> 00:11:32,099
Good afternoon.
As we approach
the Passover holiday,
236
00:11:32,167 --> 00:11:34,466
let us remember
the struggle
of our people
237
00:11:34,534 --> 00:11:38,366
as they labored under
the yoke of Pharaoh's
despotic rule.
238
00:11:38,435 --> 00:11:41,066
Hey, if anyone
appreciates a good
yoke, it's the "Yews."
239
00:11:41,135 --> 00:11:42,498
(LAUGHING)
240
00:11:44,101 --> 00:11:46,333
That's my Jewish laugh.
I'm working on
a Jewish laugh.
241
00:11:46,402 --> 00:11:49,799
Peter, I'm so embarrassed
right now. Can we please
just go?
242
00:11:50,534 --> 00:11:52,066
Hi, you're pretty.
243
00:11:52,135 --> 00:11:53,465
Oh, thank you.
244
00:11:53,534 --> 00:11:55,132
(INAUDIBLE)
245
00:11:55,201 --> 00:11:58,232
Mom, is sodomy illegal
if you're Jewish?
246
00:11:58,301 --> 00:12:00,866
I hope so, Meg.
I really do.
247
00:12:01,801 --> 00:12:04,599
It's not, Lois.
It's not.
248
00:12:08,401 --> 00:12:10,632
Dad, this isn't
the way to school.
249
00:12:10,700 --> 00:12:11,899
Yes, it is, Chris.
250
00:12:11,967 --> 00:12:13,598
One of the best parts
about being Jewish
251
00:12:13,667 --> 00:12:16,233
is getting to take
advantage of their
excellent schools.
252
00:12:16,300 --> 00:12:18,066
I'm not going to
no Jewish school.
253
00:12:18,134 --> 00:12:20,965
Sitting around all day
with a bunch of short,
hairy guys.
254
00:12:21,034 --> 00:12:23,466
I'll feel like I'm on
the forest moon of Endor.
255
00:12:23,534 --> 00:12:26,298
Didn't you...
Didn't you make that
joke the other day?
256
00:12:26,367 --> 00:12:30,066
Oh, yeah. No, I just...
I wasn't sure
if everybody had...
257
00:12:31,433 --> 00:12:32,866
...had heard.
258
00:12:35,467 --> 00:12:37,566
And instead of lasting
for one day,
259
00:12:37,634 --> 00:12:40,365
the oil in the lamp
lasted for eight days.
260
00:12:40,434 --> 00:12:43,165
And that is why we
celebrate Hanukkah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
261
00:12:43,233 --> 00:12:46,565
How long before we play
"Pin the eviction notice
on the black guy's door"?
262
00:12:46,634 --> 00:12:48,099
Now, does anyone
have any questions?
263
00:12:48,167 --> 00:12:49,300
Yeah, I have
a question.
264
00:12:49,367 --> 00:12:50,833
What are you gonna do
when Jesus comes back
265
00:12:50,901 --> 00:12:52,333
and puts a boot
up your ass?
266
00:12:52,401 --> 00:12:54,866
And it's also why
many families give
their children
267
00:12:54,935 --> 00:12:56,933
eight days of presents.
268
00:12:57,001 --> 00:12:58,632
Wait. Did she say
eight days of presents?
269
00:12:58,701 --> 00:12:59,999
Yeah.
270
00:13:00,067 --> 00:13:02,665
Well, this Judaism
thing is gonna be
better than I thought.
271
00:13:02,734 --> 00:13:04,899
All right, class.
That's all for
today's lesson.
272
00:13:04,968 --> 00:13:06,999
Now, everyone
off to gym class.
273
00:13:07,067 --> 00:13:09,799
All right.
Today we're gonna
play soccer.
274
00:13:16,701 --> 00:13:17,932
Huh. That was easy.
275
00:13:22,568 --> 00:13:24,766
Hey, Lois,
the kids are
all asleep.
276
00:13:24,834 --> 00:13:26,799
I suppose they are.
277
00:13:27,501 --> 00:13:29,066
You know what else?
278
00:13:29,135 --> 00:13:31,966
I picked out a sexy
little Jewish outfit
for you at the store.
279
00:13:32,035 --> 00:13:34,033
What is that?
Oh, my God, Lois.
280
00:13:34,101 --> 00:13:37,133
If you put on this long,
thick dress right now,
I will lose it!
281
00:13:37,202 --> 00:13:38,833
Peter, I'm not
wearing that thing.
282
00:13:38,901 --> 00:13:40,732
And if you put this
shawl over your head...
283
00:13:40,801 --> 00:13:43,465
Do you have any clunky,
unfashionable peasant shoes?
284
00:13:43,534 --> 00:13:46,366
Oh, I swear to God, Lois.
I swear to God,
I would lose it.
285
00:13:46,434 --> 00:13:48,799
Peter, get off me!
286
00:13:48,868 --> 00:13:51,632
Tell me I don't earn
as much as your
friend's husband.
287
00:13:51,701 --> 00:13:54,499
Peter, stop it.
I'm going to sleep.
288
00:13:54,567 --> 00:13:57,398
Fine. I'll just
sit here and watch TV.
289
00:13:57,467 --> 00:13:59,799
ANNOUNCER ON TV:
We now return to
Mark Wahlberg in
290
00:13:59,868 --> 00:14:02,066
Annoyed and Confused.
291
00:14:02,134 --> 00:14:05,199
What? What's going on?
I don't get it.
292
00:14:05,268 --> 00:14:09,166
Man, I got to work out.
What's going on here?
Where am I?
293
00:14:09,234 --> 00:14:10,933
What the... Huh?
294
00:14:11,001 --> 00:14:13,699
What the hell's
going on here?
Huh? What?
295
00:14:20,267 --> 00:14:21,732
PETER'S DAD: Peter!
296
00:14:25,467 --> 00:14:27,066
Dad?
297
00:14:27,134 --> 00:14:30,200
What do you think
you're doing, Peter?
You were raised Catholic.
298
00:14:30,268 --> 00:14:34,632
If you forsake your
religion, you'll spend
eternity in hell.
299
00:14:34,701 --> 00:14:36,199
Oh, God.
I don't want that!
300
00:14:36,267 --> 00:14:38,732
Then you better
knock off all
the Jewish stuff.
301
00:14:38,801 --> 00:14:41,965
Well, all right.
If that's what
you think is best.
302
00:14:43,200 --> 00:14:45,299
Wait. Dad,
before you go,
can you say,
303
00:14:45,368 --> 00:14:47,999
"Peter, you must go
to the Dagobah System?"
304
00:14:48,068 --> 00:14:52,065
Peter, you must go
to the Dagobah System.
305
00:14:52,134 --> 00:14:53,732
(SIGHING) Thanks.
306
00:15:00,167 --> 00:15:02,198
Anybody want toast
or a bagel?
307
00:15:04,334 --> 00:15:05,732
Peter, what the hell?
308
00:15:05,801 --> 00:15:08,065
Lois, last night
my father came to me
309
00:15:08,134 --> 00:15:09,865
and reminded me that
I'm a good Catholic.
310
00:15:09,934 --> 00:15:11,832
If I don't rid the house
of this Jewish curse,
311
00:15:11,901 --> 00:15:14,865
this family is gonna go
to hell, and I won't
let that happen.
312
00:15:14,934 --> 00:15:18,132
Peter, you were the only
one who was even taking
this thing seriously.
313
00:15:18,201 --> 00:15:19,565
Jews are gross, Lois.
314
00:15:19,634 --> 00:15:21,332
It's the only religion
with the word "ew" in it.
315
00:15:21,401 --> 00:15:23,232
Oh, come on.
316
00:15:23,301 --> 00:15:26,065
You're acting crazier than
when you were going through
your Parker Lewis phase.
317
00:15:26,134 --> 00:15:27,966
Peter, you ready
for dinner?
318
00:15:28,035 --> 00:15:30,899
That's just like
the Parker Lewis episode
when Parker Lewis ate dinner.
319
00:15:30,968 --> 00:15:33,532
Peter, nobody cares
about your canceled show.
320
00:15:33,600 --> 00:15:35,999
Lois, Parker Lewis
can't lose.
321
00:15:36,068 --> 00:15:37,765
Don't even try
and make him lose
322
00:15:37,834 --> 00:15:40,133
'cause it's just
gonna be that much more
embarrassing for you
323
00:15:40,201 --> 00:15:42,100
when you realize
that he can't lose.
324
00:15:42,168 --> 00:15:44,033
Would he win in
a fight with Batman?
325
00:15:44,102 --> 00:15:46,133
Well, Chris,
think about
what you're saying.
326
00:15:46,202 --> 00:15:50,265
Parker Lewis can't lose.
Heretofore, Batman can
suck on that.
327
00:15:50,334 --> 00:15:52,599
Suck on that?
Suck on this.
328
00:15:52,667 --> 00:15:55,066
Tic Tacs have only
one-and-a-half calories.
329
00:15:55,135 --> 00:15:56,200
Well played.
330
00:15:56,267 --> 00:15:57,665
I love you, Dad.
331
00:15:57,735 --> 00:15:59,632
I love you too, son.
332
00:16:08,934 --> 00:16:11,766
Huh? What the...
What the hell?
333
00:16:11,834 --> 00:16:13,966
How do you like it, huh?
How do you like it?
334
00:16:14,034 --> 00:16:16,132
Peter, what in
God's name is this?
335
00:16:16,201 --> 00:16:19,132
Wait a minute.
Are these pieces
of Stewie's crib?
336
00:16:19,201 --> 00:16:20,799
I hate it here.
337
00:16:24,234 --> 00:16:26,499
Oh, thanks
for spending time
with me today, Mom.
338
00:16:26,567 --> 00:16:28,399
I just had to get
out of that house.
339
00:16:28,468 --> 00:16:30,232
Peter's being
such a jackass.
340
00:16:30,301 --> 00:16:33,565
Lois, I think
this is more serious
than you realize.
341
00:16:33,634 --> 00:16:35,299
Don't you see
what he's doing?
342
00:16:35,368 --> 00:16:36,966
He's just being
immature.
343
00:16:37,034 --> 00:16:38,799
It's happened before.
And it'll pass.
344
00:16:38,868 --> 00:16:40,699
Lois, what Peter
is doing to you
345
00:16:40,767 --> 00:16:43,665
is exactly what
Carter did to me
for years.
346
00:16:43,734 --> 00:16:46,732
He's repressing
your Jewish identity.
347
00:16:46,801 --> 00:16:47,999
(CARTER GIGGLING)
348
00:16:48,067 --> 00:16:50,932
But, Mom, I don't really
care about being Jewish,
349
00:16:51,001 --> 00:16:53,032
or even Christian
for that matter.
350
00:16:53,101 --> 00:16:55,599
I just want to be
a good person
on my own.
351
00:16:55,667 --> 00:16:57,199
(CARTER GIGGLING)
352
00:16:57,267 --> 00:17:00,799
All I'm saying is
I let your father take
my Jewish identity,
353
00:17:00,868 --> 00:17:03,165
and I've regretted it
ever since.
354
00:17:03,233 --> 00:17:06,098
I don't want
to see you make
the same mistake.
355
00:17:06,167 --> 00:17:08,131
I don't know, Mom.
I'll think about it.
356
00:17:08,200 --> 00:17:09,231
(CARTER GIGGLING)
357
00:17:09,300 --> 00:17:10,766
Carter, knock it off!
358
00:17:10,834 --> 00:17:13,465
CARTER: Come on.
You know you Jew girls
want that dollar.
359
00:17:13,534 --> 00:17:17,165
Follow the dollar and
it'll lead you to...
What do Jews like?
360
00:17:17,233 --> 00:17:19,298
Salmon! There's
salmon over here.
361
00:17:19,367 --> 00:17:20,899
Is there really
salmon over there?
362
00:17:20,968 --> 00:17:24,233
No. You walk over there
and he squirts you
with a squirt gun.
363
00:17:24,300 --> 00:17:25,432
(LAUGHING)
364
00:17:40,001 --> 00:17:41,032
(GUNSHOT)
365
00:17:41,101 --> 00:17:42,665
What the hell?
366
00:17:47,901 --> 00:17:49,932
(SIGHING)
367
00:17:50,001 --> 00:17:52,066
Are you out of
your fucking mind?
368
00:17:52,134 --> 00:17:54,332
Relax, Lois.
I was aiming
for the mailbox.
369
00:17:54,401 --> 00:17:55,832
I'm just trying
to make a point.
370
00:17:55,901 --> 00:17:56,965
Good morning, Lois.
371
00:17:57,034 --> 00:17:58,132
(GUNSHOT)
372
00:17:58,201 --> 00:18:00,599
Peter, for God's sake!
I am so sorry, Mort.
373
00:18:00,668 --> 00:18:02,498
No problem, Lois.
That's just how people
say hello to me.
374
00:18:02,567 --> 00:18:03,565
(GUNSHOT)
375
00:18:03,634 --> 00:18:04,698
Hey, Joe!
JOE: Hey, Mort!
376
00:18:09,233 --> 00:18:11,365
Peter, you and I
are gonna have
a conversation.
377
00:18:11,434 --> 00:18:12,799
I am very angry
with you.
378
00:18:12,868 --> 00:18:14,398
Geez, what's
your problem?
379
00:18:14,467 --> 00:18:17,598
What you did this morning
was so far out of line,
I just...
380
00:18:17,667 --> 00:18:20,033
Let me tell you this.
Mom was right.
381
00:18:20,101 --> 00:18:23,366
I can't just sit here
and let you dump
all over my heritage.
382
00:18:23,434 --> 00:18:25,665
I'm not gonna make
the mistake she did.
383
00:18:25,734 --> 00:18:27,899
I'm Jewish,
and I'm proud of it.
384
00:18:27,968 --> 00:18:30,433
And this weekend,
we're having
a Passover seder.
385
00:18:30,501 --> 00:18:31,766
You can't do that.
It's Easter.
386
00:18:31,835 --> 00:18:33,066
Not in this house.
387
00:18:33,135 --> 00:18:35,598
Lois, this family believes
in the Easter Bunny.
388
00:18:35,667 --> 00:18:38,099
He died for our sins
in that helicopter crash.
389
00:18:38,168 --> 00:18:39,966
Now, if you want to go
to hell, that's fine.
390
00:18:40,034 --> 00:18:41,698
But don't drag
the rest of us
down with you
391
00:18:41,768 --> 00:18:43,999
like a mentally
handicapped rooster.
392
00:18:44,068 --> 00:18:45,466
(CROWING)
393
00:18:47,567 --> 00:18:48,732
Good night, everybody!
394
00:18:53,301 --> 00:18:56,799
Okay, everyone.
This is my first time
doing a seder,
395
00:18:56,868 --> 00:18:59,231
which is where we
tell the story of
the Jews' escape
396
00:18:59,300 --> 00:19:00,799
from bondage in Egypt.
397
00:19:00,868 --> 00:19:03,233
Doesn't it seem like
every Jewish holiday
398
00:19:03,301 --> 00:19:05,399
has to do with them
escaping from stuff?
399
00:19:05,468 --> 00:19:06,966
No, Chris.
400
00:19:07,034 --> 00:19:10,099
And, you know,
tricking some bigger,
more athletic people?
401
00:19:10,168 --> 00:19:11,698
Lois, not that
I'm rushing you,
402
00:19:11,767 --> 00:19:13,532
but when do we get
to the wine drinking?
403
00:19:13,601 --> 00:19:15,232
Hang on. Hang on.
Before we do anything,
404
00:19:15,300 --> 00:19:18,065
I'd like to say a blessing
over the candles, if I may.
405
00:19:18,134 --> 00:19:20,632
Bear with me. I haven't
had much rehearsal time.
406
00:19:20,700 --> 00:19:21,832
(CLEARING THROAT)
407
00:19:21,901 --> 00:19:23,198
(PRAYING IN HEBREW)
408
00:19:32,901 --> 00:19:35,032
Can't we just eat?
409
00:19:35,100 --> 00:19:37,499
And now I shall
continue the prayer.
410
00:19:37,568 --> 00:19:43,732
Kali Maa. Kali Maa.
Kali Maa!
411
00:19:43,801 --> 00:19:46,033
Om Namah Shivayah.
Om Namah Shivayah.
Om Namah Shivayah.
412
00:19:46,101 --> 00:19:47,432
Om Namah Shivayah.
Om Namah Shivayah.
413
00:19:47,501 --> 00:19:50,232
Now let's move on
to the washing of
the hands.
414
00:19:50,301 --> 00:19:52,198
This is a very
important part
of the...
415
00:19:52,267 --> 00:19:55,298
Hey, hey, hey.
The Easter Bunny
is here.
416
00:19:55,367 --> 00:19:56,999
Happy Easter!
417
00:19:57,067 --> 00:20:00,265
Peter, what the hell
are you doing in that?
Have you been drinking?
418
00:20:00,334 --> 00:20:02,132
Not since I got
out of the car.
419
00:20:02,200 --> 00:20:04,266
Who here thinks
they can kick my ass?
420
00:20:04,334 --> 00:20:07,298
Peter, you are not
gonna ruin this seder.
Now, get out of here!
421
00:20:07,367 --> 00:20:12,200
I'm sorry, kids.
I just wanted to help
Brian run for mayor.
422
00:20:12,267 --> 00:20:14,799
I guess I forgot what
was really important.
423
00:20:14,868 --> 00:20:16,465
Peter, just go lie down.
424
00:20:16,534 --> 00:20:17,933
All right.
I'm gonna go
lie down.
425
00:20:18,001 --> 00:20:20,732
And then I'm gonna
come back and
mess up your seder.
426
00:20:20,801 --> 00:20:23,466
All right, I'm back.
And I'm much more sober.
427
00:20:23,534 --> 00:20:24,899
Lois, what you're
doing is wrong.
428
00:20:24,968 --> 00:20:27,032
I want you to get
all this Jew food
off the table.
429
00:20:27,101 --> 00:20:28,599
I most certainly
will not.
430
00:20:28,668 --> 00:20:30,532
It's me or your
religion, Lois.
431
00:20:30,600 --> 00:20:33,066
I'm a Catholic,
and I want to live
in a Catholic house.
432
00:20:33,135 --> 00:20:35,766
Well, I'm a Jew,
and I want to live
in a nicer house.
433
00:20:35,834 --> 00:20:37,331
BRIAN: You really think
I should run for mayor?
434
00:20:37,400 --> 00:20:40,298
Peter, you've got to
stop living in your
own stupid world.
435
00:20:40,367 --> 00:20:43,999
I'm sorry, but I can't be
with someone who doesn't
believe in Jesus.
436
00:20:44,067 --> 00:20:45,933
Hey, hey.
Heard my name.
437
00:20:46,001 --> 00:20:49,632
Wow, Jesus!
Oh, you're dead now, Lois.
Jesus is gonna kill you.
438
00:20:49,701 --> 00:20:52,166
And then we're gonna
bury you in the yard
next to Kathy Ireland.
439
00:20:52,235 --> 00:20:54,966
I mean... I mean,
nice weather
we're having.
440
00:20:55,035 --> 00:20:58,699
Look, Peter, I thought
it might interest you
to know that I'm Jewish.
441
00:20:58,767 --> 00:20:59,799
What?
442
00:20:59,868 --> 00:21:01,266
He's Jewish, Peter.
443
00:21:01,335 --> 00:21:03,999
Jewish? Like full on?
Like you practice "Jewiism"?
444
00:21:04,068 --> 00:21:05,499
I am a Jew.
Prove it!
445
00:21:05,568 --> 00:21:07,866
What's a 9% tip
on a $200 bill?
446
00:21:07,934 --> 00:21:10,233
$18. Which is fair.
447
00:21:10,301 --> 00:21:13,632
Oh, my God, it's true!
But I'm so confused.
448
00:21:13,701 --> 00:21:15,166
Peter, it really
doesn't matter.
449
00:21:15,235 --> 00:21:17,733
Catholicism and Judaism
are not that different.
450
00:21:17,801 --> 00:21:19,766
They're two sides
of the same coin.
451
00:21:19,835 --> 00:21:21,233
In fact,
the Last Supper,
452
00:21:21,301 --> 00:21:23,766
one of the most
iconic images of
the Catholic faith,
453
00:21:23,835 --> 00:21:25,499
was a Passover seder.
454
00:21:25,568 --> 00:21:28,665
And if I'm not mistaken,
Islam is also in that
same spiritual family.
455
00:21:28,734 --> 00:21:30,532
Let's not muddy
things up here.
456
00:21:30,600 --> 00:21:34,365
The most important thing
is to treat other people
the same way
457
00:21:34,434 --> 00:21:35,665
you would want
to be treated.
458
00:21:35,734 --> 00:21:37,832
Oh! An eye for an eye.
459
00:21:37,901 --> 00:21:41,066
Well, Lois, I guess
I owe you an apology.
460
00:21:41,134 --> 00:21:44,299
I was scared because
my dad convinced me
I was going to hell.
461
00:21:44,368 --> 00:21:47,366
And I was doing it
to make up for my
mother's mistake.
462
00:21:47,434 --> 00:21:49,133
Look, I don't know
if being Jewish
463
00:21:49,201 --> 00:21:51,233
is the right thing
for our family.
464
00:21:51,300 --> 00:21:54,966
I just wanted
the chance to explore it
so I could know for sure.
465
00:21:55,034 --> 00:21:57,965
But to tell you
the truth, I thought
we were fine before.
466
00:21:58,034 --> 00:22:01,166
But then, Jesus,
which religion
should our family be?
467
00:22:01,234 --> 00:22:03,066
Six of one, they're
all complete horseshit.
468
00:22:03,134 --> 00:22:04,465
BRIAN: Thank you!
469
00:22:41,067 --> 00:22:42,065
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