1
00:00:02,934 --> 00:00:05,966
♪ It seems today
that all you see
2
00:00:06,035 --> 00:00:09,298
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
3
00:00:09,367 --> 00:00:12,965
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values
4
00:00:13,034 --> 00:00:15,966
♪ On which we used to rely?
5
00:00:16,034 --> 00:00:19,265
♪ Lucky there's a family guy
6
00:00:19,334 --> 00:00:22,632
♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do
7
00:00:22,701 --> 00:00:24,231
♪ All the things
that make us
8
00:00:24,300 --> 00:00:25,966
♪ Laugh and cry
9
00:00:26,034 --> 00:00:30,832
♪ He's a family guy ♪
10
00:00:39,435 --> 00:00:41,499
Morning, Peter.
Morning, Lois.
11
00:00:41,568 --> 00:00:43,366
You using the bathroom?
Yeah. Why?
12
00:00:43,435 --> 00:00:46,132
I was just curious.
Before you go, I want to
ask you a question.
13
00:00:46,201 --> 00:00:47,999
Is there something
on my elbow or...
14
00:00:48,067 --> 00:00:49,431
First, me first,
me first.
15
00:00:55,468 --> 00:00:56,799
Peter, I'm going first!
16
00:00:56,868 --> 00:00:58,832
Oh, no, you don't!
Move your ass, Peter!
17
00:00:58,901 --> 00:00:59,966
You move yours!
18
00:01:00,034 --> 00:01:01,332
I made reservations
with the maitre d'.
19
00:01:01,401 --> 00:01:02,899
Isn't that right,
Cornelius?
20
00:01:02,968 --> 00:01:04,432
Lois Griffin,
poop for one.
21
00:01:04,501 --> 00:01:05,666
I also need
a poop.
22
00:01:05,734 --> 00:01:06,999
Do you have
a reservation, sir?
23
00:01:07,068 --> 00:01:08,465
Yeah, I called
a couple days ago.
24
00:01:08,534 --> 00:01:09,532
Who did you speak to?
25
00:01:09,601 --> 00:01:12,299
Dave... Al...
26
00:01:12,367 --> 00:01:16,099
Jeff... Ilium...
Tonio?
27
00:01:16,168 --> 00:01:19,199
Dave-Al-Jeff-Ilium-Tonio
hasn't worked here
for four years.
28
00:01:19,267 --> 00:01:21,298
The hell with you.
I'll use
the other bathroom.
29
00:01:22,801 --> 00:01:23,932
MALE VOICE:
Somebody's in here.
30
00:01:25,400 --> 00:01:26,732
Oh. Excuse me.
31
00:01:27,434 --> 00:01:28,932
Good morning?
32
00:01:29,001 --> 00:01:31,466
Lois, since when does
an elephant live here?
33
00:01:31,534 --> 00:01:34,266
LOIS: He's an
exchange student.
Don't you remember?
34
00:01:34,335 --> 00:01:35,566
Oh, that's right.
35
00:01:35,634 --> 00:01:36,832
Don't you feel foolish.
36
00:01:36,901 --> 00:01:38,732
Well, how long does it
usually take you?
37
00:01:38,800 --> 00:01:40,065
I don't remember.
38
00:01:40,134 --> 00:01:41,965
Oh, my God!
That is such
a bunch of crap.
39
00:01:42,034 --> 00:01:44,499
I hope my son
is having a better time
with your family.
40
00:01:44,567 --> 00:01:45,799
(SCREAMING)
41
00:01:45,867 --> 00:01:47,398
Poachers!
42
00:01:49,434 --> 00:01:50,866
(WHIMPERING)
43
00:01:53,500 --> 00:01:54,832
Joe, I need to
use your bathroom.
44
00:01:54,901 --> 00:01:56,199
Sure, Peter.
45
00:01:59,334 --> 00:02:01,799
What the hell?
How do you even...
46
00:02:02,834 --> 00:02:04,665
What? It... I don't...
47
00:02:06,067 --> 00:02:07,665
Wait. How do I...
48
00:02:07,734 --> 00:02:10,131
JOE: Yeah. That's gonna be
way too complicated for you.
49
00:02:10,200 --> 00:02:11,699
How come
there are
two toilets?
50
00:02:11,768 --> 00:02:13,032
The other one's
for blood.
51
00:02:14,168 --> 00:02:15,966
(WHIMPERING)
52
00:02:18,801 --> 00:02:20,432
Cleveland's old house.
Perfect!
53
00:02:23,268 --> 00:02:24,599
Damn, no toilet paper.
54
00:02:26,368 --> 00:02:28,199
Hey, Joe, can I borrow this?
JOE: Sure.
55
00:02:35,367 --> 00:02:36,765
Peter, where
have you been?
56
00:02:36,835 --> 00:02:40,699
Let's just say
I've been at Cleveland's
empty house taking a dump.
57
00:02:40,767 --> 00:02:42,432
(GROANING)
That's disgusting.
58
00:02:42,500 --> 00:02:46,066
I will be taking all of
my movements there
from now on. All of them!
59
00:02:46,135 --> 00:02:47,599
(EXCLAIMING)
60
00:02:47,667 --> 00:02:49,799
(LET'S GET LOUD PLAYING)
61
00:02:49,868 --> 00:02:52,099
♪ Let's get loud,
let's get loud
62
00:02:52,168 --> 00:02:57,065
♪ Turn the music up,
let's do it, come on, people,
let's get loud
63
00:02:57,134 --> 00:02:59,398
♪ Let's get loud
64
00:02:59,467 --> 00:03:02,632
♪ Turn the music up
to hear that sound
65
00:03:02,701 --> 00:03:04,166
♪ Let's get loud ♪
66
00:03:09,468 --> 00:03:10,866
Peter, your breakfast
is ready.
67
00:03:10,935 --> 00:03:12,099
Hang on, I'll be
right back, Lois.
68
00:03:12,167 --> 00:03:13,498
I'm just going
across the street.
69
00:03:13,567 --> 00:03:15,966
Peter, you can't
keep using
Cleveland's bathroom.
70
00:03:16,035 --> 00:03:17,666
Oh, my God. Yes, I can.
71
00:03:17,734 --> 00:03:19,666
Cleveland's bathroom
is the greatest discovery
72
00:03:19,734 --> 00:03:21,799
since fat women
discovered Diet Coke.
73
00:03:23,601 --> 00:03:25,332
Now I can eat anything!
74
00:03:30,101 --> 00:03:32,932
Hey, hey, hey. No, no, no.
What are you doing?
That's my bathroom!
75
00:03:33,001 --> 00:03:35,532
What are you talking about?
We just rented this place.
76
00:03:35,601 --> 00:03:38,665
Holy crap!
Dan Aykroyd
and Chevy Chase!
77
00:03:38,734 --> 00:03:40,832
What the hell are you guys
doing in Quahog?
78
00:03:40,900 --> 00:03:43,065
We're just doing
research for a movie.
79
00:03:43,134 --> 00:03:46,198
Oh, my God, that's amazing.
You're both
living here together?
80
00:03:46,267 --> 00:03:47,332
Wait a minute.
Are you guys gay?
81
00:03:47,401 --> 00:03:48,499
No.
82
00:03:48,567 --> 00:03:50,665
No. Yeah. Yes. No.
Yeah, maybe sometimes.
83
00:03:50,734 --> 00:03:52,598
Depends.
No. Undecided.
84
00:03:52,667 --> 00:03:53,866
Listen, I got to
tell you guys,
85
00:03:53,935 --> 00:03:56,165
I've watched all your movies,
like, 1,000 times.
86
00:03:56,234 --> 00:03:57,433
You saw
Cops and Robbersons?
87
00:03:57,501 --> 00:03:58,833
And My Stepmother
is an Alien?
88
00:03:58,901 --> 00:04:00,799
Almost all of them.
89
00:04:00,868 --> 00:04:03,199
Boy, I sure would love it
if you guys would come to
our house for dinner tonight.
90
00:04:03,268 --> 00:04:05,666
My wife's cooking sucks,
but I just want
to look at you.
91
00:04:05,734 --> 00:04:07,799
You like meatloaf?
Yeah. Sure.
92
00:04:07,867 --> 00:04:09,666
All right,
see you at 8:00.
93
00:04:09,734 --> 00:04:12,799
Man, I can't believe
I'm gonna have dinner with
two of the Three Amigos!
94
00:04:12,867 --> 00:04:14,132
This is gonna be
way better
than when we had
95
00:04:14,201 --> 00:04:16,765
that Victorian girl ghost
over for dinner.
96
00:04:16,834 --> 00:04:17,966
(MUSIC BOX TINKLING)
97
00:04:18,034 --> 00:04:21,132
(CRYING) My governess
drowned me in a well.
98
00:04:21,201 --> 00:04:22,966
You are a horrible
dinner guest.
99
00:04:28,367 --> 00:04:31,832
Can you believe it?
We're eating with two
of the three Ghostbusters.
100
00:04:31,901 --> 00:04:33,232
Actually,
I wasn't in that.
101
00:04:33,300 --> 00:04:35,466
Look at these guys!
They can't
take a compliment!
102
00:04:35,534 --> 00:04:39,698
You know, you guys are funny,
but I got
a confession to make.
103
00:04:39,768 --> 00:04:41,999
I'm a pretty
funny guy myself.
104
00:04:42,068 --> 00:04:44,066
Maybe I say a few things here,
maybe I get a few laughs,
105
00:04:44,135 --> 00:04:45,798
maybe you guys put me
in one of your pictures.
106
00:04:45,867 --> 00:04:48,231
Well, yeah,
I suppose
it's possible.
107
00:04:48,300 --> 00:04:50,165
Yeah, we've got all kinds
of roles available.
108
00:04:50,233 --> 00:04:51,566
Speaking roles,
background roles.
109
00:04:51,634 --> 00:04:53,266
Background would be
good for you.
110
00:04:53,334 --> 00:04:55,365
Yeah. Speaking role
or background role,
either one would be good.
111
00:04:55,434 --> 00:04:57,832
You know,
I'm really good
at sight gags.
112
00:04:57,901 --> 00:04:59,932
Oh! I didn't
mean to do that.
113
00:05:00,001 --> 00:05:01,932
Now it's everywhere!
114
00:05:02,001 --> 00:05:03,132
That's comedy.
115
00:05:03,201 --> 00:05:04,665
(LAUGHING)
116
00:05:04,734 --> 00:05:06,699
Peter, what the hell
is wrong with you?
That's not funny.
117
00:05:06,767 --> 00:05:08,465
Oh, well, interesting
opinion, Lois.
118
00:05:08,534 --> 00:05:10,199
Gee, I wonder if
there's anyone else
at this table
119
00:05:10,268 --> 00:05:13,066
who's maybe
more qualified to say
what's funny than you are.
120
00:05:13,135 --> 00:05:15,166
Well, we'd need to see
a little bit more, but...
121
00:05:15,235 --> 00:05:16,799
(LAUGHING)
122
00:05:16,867 --> 00:05:19,598
Is that the time?
I can't believe
that's the time. It's late.
123
00:05:19,667 --> 00:05:21,999
What? I don't understand.
You're not wearing a watch.
124
00:05:22,068 --> 00:05:24,799
Well, you see,
that's sort of
a joke, Peter.
125
00:05:24,867 --> 00:05:26,933
Oh. Well, that's
not that funny.
126
00:05:27,001 --> 00:05:28,465
It's kind of
funny, you know.
127
00:05:28,534 --> 00:05:30,233
No, it's not funny.
See, if you had said
something like,
128
00:05:30,302 --> 00:05:31,766
"It's half past
a freckle."
129
00:05:31,834 --> 00:05:32,966
(LAUGHING)
130
00:05:33,034 --> 00:05:35,699
You know, I'm thinking,
of the three of you,
131
00:05:35,767 --> 00:05:37,966
I'm... I'm thinking this guy.
132
00:05:38,035 --> 00:05:39,465
Let me show you
something that's funny.
133
00:05:39,533 --> 00:05:42,665
Okay, here's an impression
of John Wayne on
the first Thanksgiving.
134
00:05:42,734 --> 00:05:46,632
"I'm John Wayne
at the first
Thanksgiving, pilgrims.
135
00:05:46,700 --> 00:05:49,199
"Happy Thanksgiving,
pilgrims!"
136
00:05:49,267 --> 00:05:50,732
(LAUGHING)
137
00:05:50,801 --> 00:05:52,099
Where's this guy been?
138
00:05:52,168 --> 00:05:54,066
Well, Mr. Griffin,
this has been
a lot of fun.
139
00:05:54,135 --> 00:05:55,200
A lot of fun.
140
00:05:55,268 --> 00:05:56,398
But we got to get back
over to our place
141
00:05:56,467 --> 00:05:59,365
and kind of do...
What do we have to do?
142
00:05:59,434 --> 00:06:00,532
Roll some joints
and get high.
143
00:06:00,600 --> 00:06:01,732
Yeah, we got to
do those things.
144
00:06:01,801 --> 00:06:04,165
That's not funny.
Drugs aren't funny.
145
00:06:04,234 --> 00:06:06,265
They ruin lives.
Amen.
146
00:06:06,333 --> 00:06:08,098
No, Peter.
You're not funny.
147
00:06:08,167 --> 00:06:09,198
I'm afraid
Dan's right.
148
00:06:09,267 --> 00:06:10,465
You're not
funny at all.
149
00:06:10,534 --> 00:06:11,566
I don't get it.
150
00:06:11,634 --> 00:06:13,566
You're painfully unfunny.
151
00:06:13,634 --> 00:06:14,632
Get the fuck
out of my house!
152
00:06:19,601 --> 00:06:21,032
Hey, Stewie, can I
talk to you for a sec?
153
00:06:21,101 --> 00:06:24,199
Look, Brian,
I've colored Sebastian
the crab blue!
154
00:06:24,268 --> 00:06:28,566
If that isn't
a middle finger to society,
I don't know what is.
155
00:06:28,634 --> 00:06:31,299
I don't like it anymore.
I wish I'd colored him red.
156
00:06:31,368 --> 00:06:32,966
Do you think
it's a little odd
157
00:06:33,034 --> 00:06:36,066
that Chevy Chase and
Dan Aykroyd have moved
into Quahog together?
158
00:06:36,134 --> 00:06:37,899
I mean, why here?
Why now?
159
00:06:37,968 --> 00:06:40,466
I don't know.
Maybe we go over there
and find out.
160
00:06:40,534 --> 00:06:42,033
Maybe we do.
161
00:06:42,102 --> 00:06:45,866
Hey. Hi, there.
Can you guys tell Meg
I'm seeing someone?
162
00:06:49,301 --> 00:06:50,532
BRIAN:
You see anything?
163
00:06:50,601 --> 00:06:51,932
Doesn't look like
anybody's home.
164
00:06:52,001 --> 00:06:53,066
(GUNS COCKING)
165
00:06:55,500 --> 00:06:57,665
Won't you gentlemen
have a Pepsi?
166
00:07:07,068 --> 00:07:08,232
What do we do?
167
00:07:08,301 --> 00:07:11,365
"Won't you gentlemen
have a Pepsi?"
168
00:07:16,134 --> 00:07:17,398
(BOTH SCREAMING)
169
00:07:21,668 --> 00:07:23,365
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
170
00:07:23,433 --> 00:07:24,866
Yell, yell, yell.
Yell, yell, yell.
171
00:07:34,035 --> 00:07:36,999
What the...
What the hell
is this place?
172
00:07:37,068 --> 00:07:38,332
Welcome to DUMP,
173
00:07:38,401 --> 00:07:40,432
Deep Underground
Military
Protection Facility.
174
00:07:40,501 --> 00:07:41,799
Wouldn't that
be DUMPF?
175
00:07:41,867 --> 00:07:43,999
The "F" is silent,
like in "knife."
176
00:07:44,068 --> 00:07:47,099
We're actually working
for the federal government,
and we need your help.
177
00:07:47,167 --> 00:07:49,032
Do you want to be
spies like us?
178
00:07:49,101 --> 00:07:50,999
Can we be spies
like them?
179
00:07:51,068 --> 00:07:53,231
We've actually resolved
our differences.
180
00:08:00,202 --> 00:08:01,398
Wait a minute.
I don't understand.
181
00:08:01,467 --> 00:08:03,398
What do you mean
you guys work
for the government?
182
00:08:03,467 --> 00:08:05,233
Well, Brian,
it turns out
Spies Like Us
183
00:08:05,302 --> 00:08:06,999
was Ronald Reagan's
favorite movie,
184
00:08:07,068 --> 00:08:09,365
so he actually
appointed us
honorary spies
185
00:08:09,434 --> 00:08:11,498
in a special ceremony
back in the '80s.
186
00:08:11,568 --> 00:08:15,566
Dan, Chevy,
you are hereby named
honorary spies
187
00:08:15,634 --> 00:08:17,465
for the United States
of America.
188
00:08:17,534 --> 00:08:18,866
Thank you, Mr. President.
Thanks, Dutch.
189
00:08:18,934 --> 00:08:20,999
And to you, 1985,
190
00:08:21,067 --> 00:08:24,732
I hereby name you
the awesomest
year of the '80s.
191
00:08:24,801 --> 00:08:28,665
Whatever, Presidork.
Let's kick this party
into radical gear.
192
00:08:28,734 --> 00:08:31,399
((KEEP FEELING) FASCINATION)
PLAYING)
193
00:08:33,300 --> 00:08:35,265
That still doesn't explain
what you're doing here.
194
00:08:35,334 --> 00:08:36,765
You see, Brian,
during the Cold War,
195
00:08:36,834 --> 00:08:39,432
the Soviet Union brainwashed
dozens of American civilians,
196
00:08:39,501 --> 00:08:41,132
effectively making them
sleeper agents
197
00:08:41,200 --> 00:08:44,332
who could be activated
at anytime
to do the work of the KGB.
198
00:08:44,401 --> 00:08:46,032
Activated how?
199
00:08:46,101 --> 00:08:48,532
The agents could be activated
by uttering
a predetermined phrase.
200
00:08:48,601 --> 00:08:50,432
At which point,
they would snap into a trance
201
00:08:50,501 --> 00:08:54,432
and mindlessly carry out
whatever orders they were
given by their KGB handlers.
202
00:08:54,501 --> 00:08:56,332
Well, I mean,
what if they
encountered somebody
203
00:08:56,401 --> 00:08:57,532
who said the
phrase accidentally?
204
00:08:57,601 --> 00:08:59,365
Not possible.
205
00:08:59,434 --> 00:09:01,732
The activation phrase
was something that no one
would ever think to utter.
206
00:09:01,800 --> 00:09:03,365
What is it?
The phrase is,
207
00:09:03,434 --> 00:09:07,065
"Gosh, that Italian family
at the next table
sure is quiet."
208
00:09:07,134 --> 00:09:09,565
You see, the U.S. government
believes that
one of these sleeper agents
209
00:09:09,634 --> 00:09:10,766
is right here in Quahog.
210
00:09:10,834 --> 00:09:13,266
Now, you two
individuals live here.
211
00:09:13,334 --> 00:09:16,300
Are there any local residents
whom you've seen
acting strangely?
212
00:09:16,368 --> 00:09:17,733
Well, there's
a pedophile
up the street
213
00:09:17,801 --> 00:09:19,366
that nobody seems to be
doing anything about,
214
00:09:19,434 --> 00:09:20,999
but it's mainly because
he's so funny.
215
00:09:21,068 --> 00:09:23,366
Well, look,
we'd be happy to help
in any way we can.
216
00:09:23,434 --> 00:09:25,333
Hey, is Ron Howard's
weird-looking brother
217
00:09:25,401 --> 00:09:26,732
one of these
lab technicians?
218
00:09:26,801 --> 00:09:28,832
Of course he is.
It's an '80s movie.
219
00:09:28,901 --> 00:09:30,599
Hey, there's something
on the screen.
220
00:09:34,701 --> 00:09:37,599
And those two bums
turned to me and said,
"You're not funny, Peter."
221
00:09:37,667 --> 00:09:38,699
In my own house!
222
00:09:38,767 --> 00:09:39,832
Well, what
was the bit?
223
00:09:39,901 --> 00:09:41,265
Okay, ready?
224
00:09:41,334 --> 00:09:45,032
I'm John Wayne
at the first
Thanksgiving, pilgrims.
225
00:09:45,101 --> 00:09:47,632
Happy Thanksgiving,
pilgrims.
226
00:09:47,701 --> 00:09:49,632
(LAUGHING)
227
00:09:49,701 --> 00:09:50,865
Oh, God.
Oh, my.
228
00:09:50,935 --> 00:09:52,532
Oh, my God, Peter!
229
00:09:52,601 --> 00:09:55,132
I'll tell you, and
I'm your friend and I'll be
honest with you, that's funny.
230
00:09:55,201 --> 00:09:56,632
That is funny.
231
00:09:56,700 --> 00:09:58,798
And you know
what I appreciate
about your joke, Peter?
232
00:09:58,867 --> 00:10:01,032
It's clean.
It's clean funny!
233
00:10:01,101 --> 00:10:03,699
I just wish there was some way
I could show them
how wrong they are.
234
00:10:03,768 --> 00:10:05,599
Show them that we know comedy
better than they do.
235
00:10:05,668 --> 00:10:07,266
Hey, I got an idea.
236
00:10:07,334 --> 00:10:10,366
What's the most
consistently funny form
of comedy in existence?
237
00:10:11,667 --> 00:10:13,099
Improv?
Improv!
238
00:10:13,168 --> 00:10:14,732
Improv!
Improv!
239
00:10:14,801 --> 00:10:17,032
Improv!
Improv!
240
00:10:17,101 --> 00:10:18,398
We'll start
our own improv group
and put on a show.
241
00:10:18,467 --> 00:10:19,465
All right!
242
00:10:24,201 --> 00:10:26,465
Thank you for seeing us
on such short notice,
Mayor West.
243
00:10:26,534 --> 00:10:27,999
No problem, gentlemen.
244
00:10:28,068 --> 00:10:29,365
May I call you
"gentlemen"?
245
00:10:29,434 --> 00:10:30,832
Yeah.
246
00:10:30,901 --> 00:10:34,033
Now, you say
this spy is located
somewhere in Quahog?
247
00:10:34,101 --> 00:10:37,365
That's right. We need you
to set up some roadblocks
to help us contain him.
248
00:10:37,434 --> 00:10:40,466
Do you have any clues
regarding the identity
of the spy?
249
00:10:40,534 --> 00:10:42,165
It's a little
tricky, sir.
250
00:10:42,234 --> 00:10:44,566
See, the operative
is completely unaware
that he's been programmed,
251
00:10:44,634 --> 00:10:45,865
and the only way
to activate him
252
00:10:45,934 --> 00:10:48,599
and discover his identity
is by saying the phrase,
253
00:10:48,667 --> 00:10:52,365
"Gosh, that Italian family
at the next table
sure is quiet!"
254
00:10:52,434 --> 00:10:53,432
(SPEAKING RUSSIAN)
255
00:10:56,834 --> 00:10:58,032
It's him!
256
00:11:11,701 --> 00:11:12,765
(BEEPING)
257
00:11:16,634 --> 00:11:17,766
(MOANING)
258
00:11:17,835 --> 00:11:21,899
I haven't been this...
Since I...
259
00:11:25,568 --> 00:11:31,632
I don't... I don't really know
what I'm supposed
to be doing, but...
260
00:11:31,701 --> 00:11:33,965
Oh, there's track star
Wilma Rudolph.
261
00:11:34,034 --> 00:11:36,932
Obviously, she had
something to do
with the gag,
262
00:11:37,001 --> 00:11:41,399
but I didn't hear the setup,
so I don't really know
the context...
263
00:11:41,467 --> 00:11:42,865
Hey, I wonder
what Peter's up to!
264
00:11:46,302 --> 00:11:48,465
Okay, so we got to
come up with a name
for our improv group.
265
00:11:48,534 --> 00:11:50,866
Anybody got anything?
BOTH: Um...
266
00:11:50,934 --> 00:11:52,566
How about
the Jokeridge Boys?
267
00:11:52,634 --> 00:11:53,665
Not bad.
268
00:11:53,734 --> 00:11:55,966
Wait. How about
Funny Side Up?
269
00:11:56,034 --> 00:11:57,799
No, no, no.
Guys, guys,
we got the name.
270
00:11:57,867 --> 00:12:01,366
It's Improv-de-Colon-
the-Truth-is-Ad Libbed.
271
00:12:01,434 --> 00:12:04,132
What about
Deliveries in Rear?
272
00:12:04,201 --> 00:12:05,665
Oh, yes!
273
00:12:05,734 --> 00:12:08,499
No, no!
No, you can't just
jam jokes in for no reason!
274
00:12:08,567 --> 00:12:10,365
It has to be organic
to the situation!
275
00:12:10,433 --> 00:12:12,799
What the hell you being
so frigging
comedy Hitler about?
276
00:12:12,867 --> 00:12:15,165
I was in three improv groups
in college, Peter.
277
00:12:15,234 --> 00:12:18,298
I was in Improvidence,
I was in the Wackadamia Nuts,
278
00:12:18,367 --> 00:12:20,932
and I know
I'm dating myself here,
but Three Smile Island.
279
00:12:21,001 --> 00:12:23,999
My point being that
I am the only experienced
member of this group.
280
00:12:24,068 --> 00:12:26,132
I can already tell
this is not gonna be fun.
281
00:12:38,400 --> 00:12:39,699
How do we know
where to
start looking?
282
00:12:39,768 --> 00:12:41,565
The tracking beacon I shot
into Mayor West's ankle
283
00:12:41,634 --> 00:12:43,100
will allow us
to locate him.
284
00:12:47,600 --> 00:12:49,732
Wow. Those are
the Russian people?
285
00:12:51,968 --> 00:12:54,132
I mean, granted,
you do think of bears
on unicycles
286
00:12:54,201 --> 00:12:55,765
when you think of
the Russian people,
287
00:12:55,834 --> 00:12:57,699
but they're
all bears
on unicycles?
288
00:12:57,767 --> 00:12:59,299
Bears on unicycles,
every one.
289
00:12:59,367 --> 00:13:00,865
So what
do we do now?
290
00:13:00,934 --> 00:13:03,298
We're undercover
U.S. agents in
a hostile foreign territory.
291
00:13:03,367 --> 00:13:06,066
We just got to make sure
we don't do anything
that makes us stick out.
292
00:13:06,135 --> 00:13:08,166
Hey, they're not bears
on unicycles!
293
00:13:10,501 --> 00:13:11,899
You are under arrest.
294
00:13:11,968 --> 00:13:13,732
Time to
lose this costume.
295
00:13:15,534 --> 00:13:17,300
(LAUGHING) 'Cause
we're in Russia!
296
00:13:27,901 --> 00:13:31,331
Here are the American spies
we captured,
Mr. Prime Minister.
297
00:13:34,201 --> 00:13:35,199
(GASPING)
298
00:13:36,567 --> 00:13:37,832
(SIGHING)
299
00:13:39,134 --> 00:13:40,331
(GASPING)
300
00:13:42,768 --> 00:13:43,765
(SIGHING)
301
00:13:45,601 --> 00:13:46,799
(GASPING)
302
00:13:47,968 --> 00:13:49,265
(SIGHING)
303
00:13:49,333 --> 00:13:52,298
He was
"Putin" us on,
huh? Right?
304
00:13:52,367 --> 00:13:54,899
What do you think
of that? Chevy?
305
00:13:54,968 --> 00:13:58,565
Right? That would have
passed for funny
in one of your movies, right?
306
00:13:58,634 --> 00:14:00,065
Okay, moving on.
307
00:14:00,134 --> 00:14:03,833
Gentlemen, let me
put your minds at ease.
I know why you are here,
308
00:14:03,901 --> 00:14:05,432
and I mean to help you.
309
00:14:05,501 --> 00:14:06,932
(LAUGHING)
310
00:14:07,001 --> 00:14:08,399
Well, terrific.
311
00:14:08,467 --> 00:14:11,799
The truth is the reactivation
of a Cold War sleeper spy
312
00:14:11,867 --> 00:14:14,032
would be an embarrassment
to my government.
313
00:14:14,101 --> 00:14:17,932
On the scale of our
1981 failed Czechoslovakian
occupation outpost,
314
00:14:18,001 --> 00:14:19,865
which was penetrated
by Bill Murray,
315
00:14:19,934 --> 00:14:22,899
Harold Ramis,
and their ragtag band
of misfit soldiers
316
00:14:22,967 --> 00:14:24,399
who didn't even graduate!
317
00:14:24,467 --> 00:14:27,032
They slept through
the graduation ceremony
and somehow
318
00:14:27,101 --> 00:14:30,765
managed to come out
of the manhole wearing clean,
pressed suit, as you say.
319
00:14:30,834 --> 00:14:32,565
So the long and
the veiny of it is,
320
00:14:32,634 --> 00:14:34,032
you're gonna
help us out, right?
321
00:14:34,101 --> 00:14:37,999
I will provide you
with transportation,
passports, food, supplies,
322
00:14:38,067 --> 00:14:40,532
everything from
"A" to backwards "R."
323
00:14:40,601 --> 00:14:42,932
Wow! Thank you so much
for your help, Mr. Putin.
324
00:14:43,001 --> 00:14:45,066
Would you like to see
Russian cutaway gag?
325
00:14:45,134 --> 00:14:46,132
Yeah, sure.
326
00:14:46,200 --> 00:14:47,799
Here is Russian
cutaway gag.
327
00:14:47,867 --> 00:14:49,865
(EXCLAIMING IN RUSSIAN)
328
00:14:57,101 --> 00:14:58,499
(LAUGHING)
329
00:15:01,801 --> 00:15:03,365
Where the hell
is Quagmire?
330
00:15:03,434 --> 00:15:05,699
I don't know.
He said improv rehearsal
at 7:00, right?
331
00:15:05,768 --> 00:15:08,032
Yeah, where is Quagmire?
I haven't seen him all day.
332
00:15:08,101 --> 00:15:11,198
You know what?
I think he went down
to the bank.
333
00:15:11,267 --> 00:15:12,465
What was that?
What did
you hit me for?
334
00:15:12,534 --> 00:15:13,798
I'm passing
the story
on to you.
335
00:15:13,867 --> 00:15:15,099
Keep it going.
Keep the story going.
336
00:15:15,167 --> 00:15:16,532
Huh?
What's Quagmire
doing at the bank?
337
00:15:16,601 --> 00:15:18,032
It's improv, Peter.
You don't think.
338
00:15:18,101 --> 00:15:19,465
You don't think.
You just keep talking.
You don't think.
339
00:15:19,534 --> 00:15:20,665
Don't think.
Don't think.
What comes to mind?
340
00:15:20,734 --> 00:15:21,865
Talk, talk, talk,
talk, talk!
341
00:15:21,934 --> 00:15:24,232
I get it.
Tap me, Quagmire,
tap me!
342
00:15:24,300 --> 00:15:27,866
Quagmire went to the bank
to donate sperm
because it's a sperm bank.
343
00:15:27,935 --> 00:15:29,432
Yes, there you go.
He's moving it forward.
344
00:15:29,500 --> 00:15:32,432
He's moving it forward.
See, Peter?
Now tap Peter.
345
00:15:32,500 --> 00:15:36,298
Hey, pilgrims.
Happy Thanksgiving, pilgrims.
346
00:15:36,367 --> 00:15:38,133
It's me,
John Wayne.
347
00:15:38,202 --> 00:15:40,133
Oh, no. All right,
you know what?
You're not loosened up yet.
348
00:15:40,202 --> 00:15:42,200
All right,
let's do some
warm-up exercises.
349
00:15:42,267 --> 00:15:45,365
Okay, this is one
we call
"Going Bananas." Okay.
350
00:15:45,434 --> 00:15:48,565
♪ I'm a banana
I'm a banana
351
00:15:48,634 --> 00:15:51,299
♪ Peel the banana
Peel the banana
352
00:15:51,368 --> 00:15:54,833
♪ Now go bananas!
Go, go bananas!
353
00:15:54,901 --> 00:15:57,499
♪ Go! ♪
354
00:15:57,568 --> 00:16:00,333
Come on, you guys.
Do it with me.
Go bananas. Yeah!
355
00:16:00,401 --> 00:16:01,833
(SHOUTING)
356
00:16:03,068 --> 00:16:04,465
Whole body, Joe.
Whole body.
357
00:16:05,402 --> 00:16:06,765
Come on.
Go bananas.
358
00:16:07,567 --> 00:16:09,498
Am I doing it?
Am I doing it?
359
00:16:09,567 --> 00:16:11,233
Fuck's the matter
with you guys?
360
00:16:11,302 --> 00:16:13,498
All right, let's try
something else. Okay,
this is a warm-up exercise
361
00:16:13,567 --> 00:16:15,166
called "One-Word Story."
362
00:16:15,235 --> 00:16:17,166
Now, I start a story
with one word,
363
00:16:17,235 --> 00:16:19,933
and then you each continue
with one word at a time.
364
00:16:20,001 --> 00:16:21,899
Okay, ready?
Yeah, yeah. I'm into this now.
365
00:16:21,968 --> 00:16:23,432
Okay. The...
366
00:16:23,500 --> 00:16:24,598
Dog...
367
00:16:24,667 --> 00:16:26,400
And...
My...
368
00:16:26,467 --> 00:16:28,498
Mom...
And...
369
00:16:28,567 --> 00:16:30,598
This...
Handkerchief...
370
00:16:30,667 --> 00:16:32,366
And...
Twenty...
371
00:16:32,434 --> 00:16:33,933
Birds...
And...
372
00:16:34,001 --> 00:16:35,366
Peter.
Geez.
373
00:16:35,434 --> 00:16:36,799
And...
Peter, hang on a sec.
374
00:16:36,867 --> 00:16:38,799
You're not contributing.
I'm doing it.
375
00:16:38,867 --> 00:16:40,300
You're not
adding information.
376
00:16:40,368 --> 00:16:41,799
Well, one of you guys
says "Thanksgiving,"
377
00:16:41,867 --> 00:16:43,266
I got a good idea
where to go with it.
378
00:16:43,335 --> 00:16:45,732
Okay, Peter, let's try
something different.
379
00:16:45,801 --> 00:16:48,933
Okay, close your eyes.
What's the first thing
you see?
380
00:16:49,001 --> 00:16:50,132
Uh...
381
00:16:50,201 --> 00:16:51,331
Don't think,
just say it.
First thing.
382
00:16:51,400 --> 00:16:52,999
Pelican.
Okay, what's he doing?
383
00:16:53,068 --> 00:16:55,632
He's complaining
about some undercooked food.
384
00:16:55,701 --> 00:16:57,199
Who's he complaining to?
385
00:16:57,268 --> 00:17:00,665
A snooty French waiter
who's really mean
to his customers.
386
00:17:00,734 --> 00:17:03,099
But then when he goes home,
his own life's sad
387
00:17:03,167 --> 00:17:04,599
because his girlfriend's
mean to him,
388
00:17:04,667 --> 00:17:06,599
and his apartment
isn't so very nice,
389
00:17:06,667 --> 00:17:08,665
and he's always running out
of paper towels.
390
00:17:08,734 --> 00:17:10,266
(GASPING)
391
00:17:12,168 --> 00:17:14,331
I saw it...
I seen it, Quagmire.
392
00:17:14,400 --> 00:17:16,331
I was there
in the apartment!
393
00:17:16,968 --> 00:17:17,999
We're ready.
394
00:17:21,434 --> 00:17:22,899
If these signatures
are correct,
395
00:17:22,968 --> 00:17:25,665
Mayor West is located
one-third of
a kilometer that way.
396
00:17:25,734 --> 00:17:27,399
Just over this rise.
397
00:17:27,468 --> 00:17:29,832
Yeah, that's what
you told us a third of
a kilometer ago, you douche.
398
00:17:29,901 --> 00:17:31,799
Perhaps you'd
like to do
something besides
399
00:17:31,867 --> 00:17:33,599
criticizing me and
quoting my movies?
400
00:17:33,667 --> 00:17:34,965
You just watch
your mouth, mister!
401
00:17:37,668 --> 00:17:38,932
Look!
402
00:17:44,434 --> 00:17:45,432
(GASPING)
403
00:17:54,967 --> 00:17:58,932
Anyway, I'd be happy
to help you conduct
a search of Quahog and find...
404
00:17:59,001 --> 00:18:00,999
What the hell?
Where am I?
405
00:18:01,067 --> 00:18:04,199
I didn't just bite into
a YORK
peppermint patty, did I?
406
00:18:04,268 --> 00:18:05,865
Mayor West,
you're in Russia.
407
00:18:05,934 --> 00:18:08,099
You've just launched
a nuclear missile
against the United States.
408
00:18:08,168 --> 00:18:10,399
Well, this day
has taken a bad turn,
409
00:18:10,467 --> 00:18:12,365
like Mike Brady's
first marriage.
410
00:18:13,134 --> 00:18:14,432
Here's your beer, honey.
411
00:18:17,168 --> 00:18:19,865
I don't remember
asking for a warm beer.
412
00:18:19,935 --> 00:18:22,166
Well, I didn't want
to quit working.
You made me.
413
00:18:22,235 --> 00:18:25,032
You don't talk
to me that way!
414
00:18:27,267 --> 00:18:29,532
Alice, what did
you see?
415
00:18:29,601 --> 00:18:31,198
Enough to know
I'm getting a raise.
416
00:18:41,168 --> 00:18:44,366
What the... Oh, man.
We're supposed
to do a show tonight.
417
00:18:44,434 --> 00:18:46,999
Where's the audience?
I don't see them anywhere.
418
00:18:47,068 --> 00:18:49,498
If only they could
make some noise
to let me know they're here.
419
00:18:49,567 --> 00:18:50,565
MAN 1: We're here.
420
00:18:50,634 --> 00:18:52,765
Oh, there you are.
Thank God.
421
00:18:52,834 --> 00:18:54,498
Well, we're
Room for Improv-ment.
422
00:18:54,567 --> 00:18:56,432
So without further ado,
I need a place.
423
00:18:56,500 --> 00:18:57,632
MAN 1: Your ass!
424
00:18:57,700 --> 00:18:58,899
Okay, come on now.
425
00:18:58,968 --> 00:18:59,966
Something serious.
426
00:19:00,035 --> 00:19:01,598
MAN 1: Your mom's ass!
427
00:19:01,667 --> 00:19:03,999
Hey, let's get that guy
out of here, huh?
Okay, a real place.
428
00:19:04,067 --> 00:19:06,199
MAN 2: Goldman's Pharmacy
on Third and Maple.
429
00:19:06,267 --> 00:19:07,366
WOMAN: Give them
the hours.
430
00:19:07,434 --> 00:19:08,466
MAN 2:
8:00 a.m. to...
431
00:19:08,534 --> 00:19:09,699
Okay, I heard
"pharmacy."
432
00:19:09,767 --> 00:19:11,699
Who's in the pharmacy?
PETER: John Wayne!
433
00:19:11,767 --> 00:19:13,632
What the...
Peter, you're not supposed
to be in the audience.
434
00:19:13,701 --> 00:19:15,132
Get the hell up onstage.
435
00:19:16,868 --> 00:19:19,799
All right. Hey there, sir.
Welcome to my pharmacy.
Can I help you?
436
00:19:19,868 --> 00:19:22,332
Here's John Wayne
at the
first Thanksgiving.
437
00:19:22,401 --> 00:19:25,032
"Happy Thanksgiving,
pilgrims!"
438
00:19:25,101 --> 00:19:27,232
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
439
00:19:27,301 --> 00:19:31,099
You like that? Okay,
here's John Wayne Bobbitt
at the first Thanksgiving.
440
00:19:31,167 --> 00:19:33,532
"Where's my
penis, pilgrims?"
441
00:19:33,601 --> 00:19:35,665
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
442
00:19:35,734 --> 00:19:38,832
And here's John Wayne Gacy
at the first Thanksgiving.
443
00:19:38,901 --> 00:19:40,965
"I want to dress up
like a clown
444
00:19:41,034 --> 00:19:44,366
"and have sex with children
and kill them, pilgrims."
445
00:19:44,434 --> 00:19:46,933
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
446
00:19:47,001 --> 00:19:50,432
Guys, I got to split.
I took a wet duke.
447
00:19:51,300 --> 00:19:52,699
And...
448
00:19:52,768 --> 00:19:54,699
Okay, this is not
something that should ever
have been attempted.
449
00:19:54,768 --> 00:19:56,532
Thank you very much.
Good night, everybody.
450
00:19:56,600 --> 00:19:57,599
Improv!
451
00:20:12,634 --> 00:20:15,165
I wish there was some way
I could have prevented this.
452
00:20:15,234 --> 00:20:16,432
It wasn't
your fault,
Mayor West.
453
00:20:16,501 --> 00:20:17,832
There's nothing
you could have done.
454
00:20:17,901 --> 00:20:20,099
To be honest,
I don't remember
a thing,
455
00:20:20,168 --> 00:20:23,299
except how much I love
the Michael Jackson
Thriller video.
456
00:20:23,367 --> 00:20:25,732
Boy, could
that guy dance.
457
00:20:25,801 --> 00:20:29,699
Guy dance? Guidance!
Source programmable guidance!
458
00:20:29,768 --> 00:20:31,932
We can reprogram
and disarm
the missile from here.
459
00:20:32,001 --> 00:20:34,699
From here? Well, our arms
would have to be
40-feet long, Dan.
460
00:20:34,767 --> 00:20:37,132
No, yutz, not from
right here. We go
over there and do it.
461
00:20:37,200 --> 00:20:38,266
Oh, right.
462
00:20:38,335 --> 00:20:39,532
Oh, come on, Chevy.
463
00:20:39,601 --> 00:20:42,465
You should have known
what he was talking about.
464
00:20:42,534 --> 00:20:45,398
All I have to do is bypass
the primary navigational-
guidance circuits,
465
00:20:45,467 --> 00:20:48,732
deprogram the hardwired
safety overrides, and
reconfigure the motherboard
466
00:20:48,800 --> 00:20:51,732
so that the missile's primary
central-processing unit
tells itself
467
00:20:51,800 --> 00:20:55,865
to eject its own warhead
while still safely above
the Earth's atmosphere.
468
00:20:55,934 --> 00:20:57,465
Hey, Dan,
when this is
all over,
469
00:20:57,534 --> 00:21:00,399
you may get a call
asking you to
evaluate my performance.
470
00:21:00,467 --> 00:21:03,032
Can I count on you
to give me a 10?
471
00:21:03,100 --> 00:21:04,565
And that should do it.
472
00:21:16,900 --> 00:21:19,132
You did it, Dan.
My God, you did it!
473
00:21:19,200 --> 00:21:23,099
Yes. Oh, my God.
You did it.
You did it.
474
00:21:23,168 --> 00:21:25,799
Mission accomplished,
gentlemen. Warhead
has been destroyed.
475
00:21:25,868 --> 00:21:27,665
We've saved
millions of lives.
476
00:21:27,734 --> 00:21:30,565
Let's just hope the fuselage
doesn't fall where it can
cause too much damage.
477
00:21:35,767 --> 00:21:38,766
No, no, no, no, no, no!
478
00:21:40,868 --> 00:21:42,232
I...
I don't get it.
479
00:21:49,668 --> 00:21:50,766
So, what's the deal
with Chris?
480
00:21:50,835 --> 00:21:52,766
Is he actually, like,
still in Africa?
481
00:21:52,835 --> 00:21:53,866
No, no, he's not.
482
00:21:53,935 --> 00:21:55,665
So that was all...
That was just a bit?
483
00:21:55,735 --> 00:21:57,398
Yeah, he'll be back
next week.
484
00:21:57,467 --> 00:21:59,833
Great. Boy, who would
have thought all this
trouble could be caused
485
00:21:59,901 --> 00:22:01,365
by simply uttering
the phrase,
486
00:22:01,434 --> 00:22:04,766
"Gosh, that Italian family
at the next table
sure is quiet."
487
00:22:11,134 --> 00:22:12,565
(SPEAKING RUSSIAN)
488
00:22:17,867 --> 00:22:19,999
MAN: (WITH RUSSIAN ACCENT)
Shut up, 2476.
489
00:22:54,035 --> 00:22:55,033
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