1
00:00:02,601 --> 00:00:05,766
♪ It seems today
that all you see
2
00:00:05,834 --> 00:00:09,133
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
3
00:00:09,200 --> 00:00:12,799
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values
4
00:00:12,867 --> 00:00:15,766
♪ On which we used to rely?
5
00:00:15,834 --> 00:00:19,065
♪ Lucky there's a family guy
6
00:00:19,134 --> 00:00:22,465
♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do
7
00:00:22,534 --> 00:00:23,966
♪ All the things
that make us
8
00:00:24,034 --> 00:00:25,766
♪ Laugh and cry
9
00:00:25,834 --> 00:00:30,832
♪ He's a family guy ♪
10
00:00:36,301 --> 00:00:38,365
One minute to
opening, everybody.
11
00:00:38,434 --> 00:00:40,865
Why are they selling
all those DVDs
so cheap?
12
00:00:40,934 --> 00:00:45,300
Because, Chris, DVDs
are outdated and obsolete,
like white track stars.
13
00:00:45,367 --> 00:00:48,999
On your marks.
Get set.
White guys, go!
14
00:00:49,068 --> 00:00:52,199
I have high hopes for this.
I had a Clif Bar
before we started.
15
00:00:52,267 --> 00:00:53,799
Everybody else!
16
00:00:54,534 --> 00:00:55,732
(GASPS)
17
00:00:55,801 --> 00:00:57,866
I thought they were
coming after us.
18
00:00:57,934 --> 00:01:01,099
All right, everyone.
All DVDs are a dollar
and everything must go.
19
00:01:01,167 --> 00:01:02,565
Come on in.
20
00:01:02,634 --> 00:01:03,799
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
21
00:01:03,868 --> 00:01:06,166
Please be here.
Please be here.
22
00:01:06,234 --> 00:01:09,399
Oh, sweet mother of God!
There you are!
23
00:01:11,401 --> 00:01:13,133
I'll watch you
with the lights off.
24
00:01:13,202 --> 00:01:14,799
(LAUGHING)
25
00:01:14,868 --> 00:01:16,899
Like I would dare.
26
00:01:16,968 --> 00:01:18,833
You're getting
Dan in Real Life?
27
00:01:18,901 --> 00:01:20,233
What?
I heard it's good.
28
00:01:20,302 --> 00:01:22,933
No, I get it.
He's resting his head
on pancakes.
29
00:01:23,001 --> 00:01:24,565
It looks hilarious.
30
00:01:24,634 --> 00:01:27,899
The joke, of course,
being that one wouldn't
generally do that,
31
00:01:27,968 --> 00:01:30,699
were there
a pillow available.
32
00:01:32,501 --> 00:01:35,398
Oh, my God! Road House!
33
00:01:35,467 --> 00:01:37,232
Great.
I want to buy this!
34
00:01:37,300 --> 00:01:40,066
And as a bonus, I'll throw in
What Dreams May Come
with Robin Williams.
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00:01:40,135 --> 00:01:41,632
No, thank you.
No charge.
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00:01:41,701 --> 00:01:43,599
I do not want it.
But it's free, sir.
37
00:01:43,667 --> 00:01:47,033
If that DVD
even touches Road House,
I will kill you.
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00:01:48,068 --> 00:01:49,465
Don't worry.
39
00:01:49,534 --> 00:01:52,799
Someday, someone will come
and take you home
for their very own.
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00:01:52,867 --> 00:01:57,032
♪ Maybe far away
41
00:01:57,100 --> 00:02:02,799
♪ Or maybe real nearby
42
00:02:02,868 --> 00:02:07,532
♪ He may be
pouring her coffee
43
00:02:07,600 --> 00:02:12,299
♪ She may be
straightening his tie ♪
44
00:02:16,935 --> 00:02:18,300
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON TV)
45
00:02:20,968 --> 00:02:22,732
Help! Somebody!
46
00:02:22,801 --> 00:02:26,432
These drunk redneck truckers
are trying to have
their way with me!
47
00:02:26,500 --> 00:02:29,199
Not while my scrotum
is pressed up
against my stomach
48
00:02:29,267 --> 00:02:30,899
in these jeans, they won't.
49
00:02:43,467 --> 00:02:44,932
Road House.
50
00:02:45,001 --> 00:02:47,933
That was awesome,
and its message
is timeless.
51
00:02:48,001 --> 00:02:49,498
Peter, the only message
in that movie is
52
00:02:49,567 --> 00:02:52,166
that every problem in life
can be solved by kicking.
53
00:02:52,235 --> 00:02:53,233
(GASPS)
54
00:02:53,302 --> 00:02:55,598
Oh, my God!
Brian, you're right.
55
00:02:55,667 --> 00:02:56,665
Peter, I'm joking.
56
00:02:56,734 --> 00:02:58,100
What did
you say to me?
57
00:02:58,167 --> 00:02:59,198
Peter, what
are you doing?
58
00:02:59,267 --> 00:03:00,832
Get off my plane!
59
00:03:00,901 --> 00:03:01,932
That's not even
the same...
60
00:03:02,001 --> 00:03:03,666
(EXCLAIMING)
What the hell?
61
00:03:03,734 --> 00:03:06,099
You're not gonna
talk to me like that
in my bar!
62
00:03:06,168 --> 00:03:07,199
It's not a bar...
63
00:03:10,934 --> 00:03:12,065
(TIRES SQUEALING)
64
00:03:16,901 --> 00:03:17,899
PETER: Oh, that's right.
Cleveland moved.
65
00:03:21,334 --> 00:03:23,365
Here's your burger, sir.
Thank you.
66
00:03:23,434 --> 00:03:25,599
Sir, I need
another $1.25.
67
00:03:25,667 --> 00:03:27,166
Is that right?
68
00:03:28,801 --> 00:03:31,665
Keep the change.
Road House.
69
00:03:34,234 --> 00:03:36,266
(SCREAMS)
70
00:03:36,334 --> 00:03:38,632
Okay, that is
the last time you are
gonna pull that crap!
71
00:03:38,701 --> 00:03:39,732
(YELPS)
72
00:03:39,801 --> 00:03:41,032
You hear me?
Yes!
73
00:03:41,101 --> 00:03:42,632
Do you hear me?
74
00:03:43,102 --> 00:03:44,198
Yes!
75
00:03:44,267 --> 00:03:46,065
(YELPING)
76
00:03:46,133 --> 00:03:49,033
And you are gonna
hold down that football
until Charlie Brown kicks it.
77
00:03:49,100 --> 00:03:50,899
You got that?
78
00:03:50,967 --> 00:03:52,899
(CRYING) Yes.
Go ahead, Charlie.
79
00:03:55,634 --> 00:03:56,666
(CHEERING)
80
00:03:56,735 --> 00:03:58,266
And you know
what else?
81
00:03:58,335 --> 00:04:00,732
I did some checking around.
You're not
a licensed therapist.
82
00:04:02,467 --> 00:04:03,499
Road House.
83
00:04:07,700 --> 00:04:09,966
You know, it's still
early, Peter.
84
00:04:10,035 --> 00:04:12,532
What do you say
we horse around
a little, huh?
85
00:04:12,600 --> 00:04:15,199
I think I can get
on board with that.
86
00:04:15,267 --> 00:04:16,398
(BOTH LAUGHING)
87
00:04:19,668 --> 00:04:20,699
(KICKING)
88
00:04:20,768 --> 00:04:22,599
Road House.
Peter, for God's sakes!
89
00:04:22,668 --> 00:04:24,465
If you're gonna do that,
at least aim
for my nipples.
90
00:04:24,534 --> 00:04:25,532
(KICKING)
91
00:04:25,601 --> 00:04:27,365
Oh, yeah!
92
00:04:27,434 --> 00:04:28,465
(BOTH LAUGHING)
93
00:04:28,534 --> 00:04:30,199
Road House.
94
00:04:33,667 --> 00:04:36,866
Peter, I don't think
you should be
driving with your feet.
95
00:04:36,935 --> 00:04:38,599
Road House.
96
00:04:38,667 --> 00:04:40,532
Wait. Why are you
taking the back way home?
There are so many turns.
97
00:04:41,401 --> 00:04:42,399
PETER: Road House.
98
00:04:43,134 --> 00:04:44,132
Road House.
99
00:04:45,101 --> 00:04:46,099
Road House.
100
00:04:46,934 --> 00:04:48,265
Road House.
101
00:04:48,334 --> 00:04:49,699
(PETER STUTTERING)
102
00:04:55,501 --> 00:04:56,532
Road House.
103
00:04:57,968 --> 00:04:59,199
Road House.
104
00:04:59,268 --> 00:05:00,366
Oh, my God!
105
00:05:01,234 --> 00:05:02,266
Are you all right?
106
00:05:02,401 --> 00:05:04,333
Yeah. I'm fine.
Sorry.
107
00:05:04,401 --> 00:05:06,233
I wasn't really looking
where I was going.
108
00:05:06,301 --> 00:05:07,599
Probably a little blame
on our side, too.
109
00:05:07,668 --> 00:05:08,966
PETER: Road House?
110
00:05:09,034 --> 00:05:11,299
Well, I guess
we're just lucky
nobody got hurt.
111
00:05:11,368 --> 00:05:12,866
Yeah. Yeah.
I agree.
112
00:05:12,934 --> 00:05:15,399
But, you know,
I sort of have
one other problem.
113
00:05:15,468 --> 00:05:17,399
Maybe you can help me out.
What's that?
114
00:05:17,468 --> 00:05:21,432
I have a dinner reservation
for two tonight at Dominic's,
and it's just me.
115
00:05:21,500 --> 00:05:24,599
I see your problem.
I think I might
be able to help.
116
00:05:24,667 --> 00:05:26,833
Ma'am, you want me to kick
those dents out for you?
117
00:05:26,901 --> 00:05:28,832
Peter, we've had
complaints from
all over town.
118
00:05:28,901 --> 00:05:30,799
You're gonna
have to stop
with the kicking.
119
00:05:30,868 --> 00:05:34,799
Oh, yeah? I think
my scary, otherworldly,
shadowy spirit friends
120
00:05:34,868 --> 00:05:37,532
might have something
to say about that.
121
00:05:37,600 --> 00:05:38,798
(SCREAMING)
122
00:05:43,968 --> 00:05:45,166
Ghost.
123
00:05:53,235 --> 00:05:54,866
Can I help you?
Hi, I'm Brian.
124
00:05:54,935 --> 00:05:56,399
I'm here to
pick up Nicole.
125
00:05:56,468 --> 00:05:58,399
Oh, hi.
I'm Rita, her mom.
126
00:05:58,468 --> 00:06:01,132
You must be the one
she had that
fender bender with.
127
00:06:01,201 --> 00:06:04,733
Well, I got to meet Nicole,
so I prefer to think of it
as a happy accident.
128
00:06:04,801 --> 00:06:05,832
Is she ready?
129
00:06:05,901 --> 00:06:07,698
Oh, well...
130
00:06:07,767 --> 00:06:11,999
Unfortunately, she left
for dinner with another guy
about half an hour ago.
131
00:06:12,068 --> 00:06:13,266
What? We had a date.
132
00:06:13,335 --> 00:06:16,699
Yeah. I'm afraid
that's Nicole.
She's 21 and gorgeous.
133
00:06:16,768 --> 00:06:19,699
Guys ask her out
all the time and I think
she loses track.
134
00:06:19,768 --> 00:06:21,366
Oh, for God's sake!
135
00:06:21,434 --> 00:06:25,166
Well, let me at least
leave my car-insurance
information for her.
136
00:06:27,168 --> 00:06:29,298
Is that
your condom?
137
00:06:29,367 --> 00:06:30,833
No! I mean...
138
00:06:30,901 --> 00:06:33,100
I mean, I wasn't
gonna use that
on your daughter.
139
00:06:33,168 --> 00:06:36,465
I mean, I wouldn't...
I would not use a condom
on your daughter.
140
00:06:36,534 --> 00:06:38,532
I mean,
I would if I was
having sex with her,
141
00:06:38,601 --> 00:06:41,100
which obviously
I would not do.
But if... I mean...
142
00:06:41,168 --> 00:06:44,532
I'm safe and all, you know?
I get an AIDS test
once every three months.
143
00:06:44,601 --> 00:06:46,200
And not because I...
144
00:06:46,267 --> 00:06:48,799
You know, it's not
because I have
a lot of sex. I just...
145
00:06:48,868 --> 00:06:51,498
I just eat a lot of poo
off the street.
146
00:06:51,567 --> 00:06:54,933
Come to think of it,
how did this get in my
wallet in the first place?
147
00:06:55,001 --> 00:06:56,799
STEWIE: "Dear Brian,
148
00:06:56,868 --> 00:06:58,832
"somewhere between the point
when you're excited enough
to want it
149
00:06:58,901 --> 00:07:02,265
"and too excited to care,
think about your future.
150
00:07:02,333 --> 00:07:03,866
"Your friend, Stewie."
151
00:07:03,934 --> 00:07:06,732
Well, I think
I've been humiliated
enough for one evening.
152
00:07:06,801 --> 00:07:07,799
Sorry to bother you.
153
00:07:07,867 --> 00:07:09,199
If it's
any consolation,
154
00:07:09,268 --> 00:07:10,899
I would never
have stood you up.
155
00:07:10,967 --> 00:07:13,499
Well, I guess that
makes you one of
the rare ones nowadays.
156
00:07:13,567 --> 00:07:14,766
Your husband's
a lucky guy.
157
00:07:14,834 --> 00:07:15,932
Divorced.
158
00:07:16,001 --> 00:07:17,399
Oh.
159
00:07:17,467 --> 00:07:19,832
Well, at the risk
of humiliating myself
once again,
160
00:07:19,901 --> 00:07:21,565
I still have
a reservation.
161
00:07:21,634 --> 00:07:23,199
Well, I don't
have plans.
162
00:07:23,268 --> 00:07:24,965
Well, terrific.
163
00:07:25,034 --> 00:07:28,266
Hey, maybe I'll get to
use this after all, huh?
I'm just... I'm kidding.
164
00:07:28,334 --> 00:07:31,166
Oh, please. At my age,
I don't have to worry
about pregnancy.
165
00:07:31,234 --> 00:07:32,365
(BOTH LAUGHING)
166
00:07:32,434 --> 00:07:34,099
How old are you?
167
00:07:34,168 --> 00:07:36,432
Oh, you don't
want to know.
168
00:07:36,501 --> 00:07:37,832
I kind of do.
Hang on.
169
00:07:37,901 --> 00:07:40,231
Just let me
get my purse
and we can go.
170
00:07:40,300 --> 00:07:41,899
Wow, she seems great!
171
00:07:41,968 --> 00:07:45,499
We're getting along
better than Whitney Houston
and Bobby Brown.
172
00:07:45,568 --> 00:07:47,333
You want to smoke some crack?
You want to smoke some crack?
173
00:07:47,401 --> 00:07:49,765
(BOTH EXCLAIMING)
174
00:07:49,834 --> 00:07:51,799
I love you.
I love you.
175
00:07:51,867 --> 00:07:53,366
Get the fucking crack!
176
00:07:57,234 --> 00:07:58,565
Brian, you want
some lasagna?
177
00:07:58,634 --> 00:08:00,932
No, thanks.
Rita and I grabbed
a bite already.
178
00:08:01,001 --> 00:08:02,933
Gosh, you've been
seeing this Rita
for weeks now
179
00:08:03,001 --> 00:08:05,966
and you still haven't
brought her over
to the house.
180
00:08:06,035 --> 00:08:09,399
(LAUGHING)
When are we gonna meet
the lovely lady, huh?
181
00:08:09,467 --> 00:08:11,398
Oh, she's
being ironic.
182
00:08:11,467 --> 00:08:13,099
What are you saying?
I don't date
lovely women?
183
00:08:13,168 --> 00:08:14,565
Yeah, you got it.
You got it.
184
00:08:14,634 --> 00:08:17,066
No. It just seems
like some of
your past girlfriends
185
00:08:17,135 --> 00:08:19,499
have been a little
dumb and trampy.
186
00:08:19,568 --> 00:08:22,399
First of all, that's not true,
and second of all,
she's not like that.
187
00:08:22,468 --> 00:08:25,166
She's wonderful. She's smart.
She's pretty.
188
00:08:25,235 --> 00:08:26,999
And, you know,
the only reason I haven't
brought her around
189
00:08:27,068 --> 00:08:30,099
is that you guys
don't always make the best
impression with girls I date.
190
00:08:30,168 --> 00:08:31,432
Especially Peter.
191
00:08:31,501 --> 00:08:33,432
Hey, aren't you that chick
from the bathroom door?
192
00:08:33,501 --> 00:08:35,799
Come on, Peter.
She doesn't want
to talk about work.
193
00:08:35,867 --> 00:08:37,166
What's it like
in there?
194
00:08:37,234 --> 00:08:39,332
I assume
it's like how it is
in the men's room.
195
00:08:39,401 --> 00:08:41,665
Oh, there's a long trough
with a big poo in it?
196
00:08:45,334 --> 00:08:47,832
(SOFT PIANO MUSIC PLAYING)
197
00:08:47,901 --> 00:08:50,532
You know, Brian,
the past few weeks
have been great.
198
00:08:50,600 --> 00:08:52,066
I can't remember
the last time
199
00:08:52,135 --> 00:08:54,432
I've had this much fun
dating somebody.
200
00:08:54,500 --> 00:08:56,200
I can remember
the last time I have.
201
00:08:56,268 --> 00:08:57,300
Never.
202
00:08:57,367 --> 00:08:58,365
(BOTH CHUCKLING)
203
00:08:58,434 --> 00:09:00,332
That's the writer
in you, Brian.
204
00:09:00,400 --> 00:09:02,465
Did you always know
that's what
you wanted to do?
205
00:09:02,534 --> 00:09:05,866
Well, actually, I really
thought I was gonna be
an actor at one point.
206
00:09:05,935 --> 00:09:07,732
I even got a few
high-profile gigs.
207
00:09:07,801 --> 00:09:09,566
Really?
Anything I've seen?
208
00:09:09,634 --> 00:09:13,332
Oh, you ever heard of a tiny
little independent movie
called Die Hard?
209
00:09:13,401 --> 00:09:15,165
Wow!
You were in that?
210
00:09:15,234 --> 00:09:16,866
Sure was.
211
00:09:16,934 --> 00:09:18,566
Hey, what do you say
we go back to my place
and I'll show it to you?
212
00:09:18,634 --> 00:09:20,099
Sounds good to me.
213
00:09:23,167 --> 00:09:24,432
We'll have to be
a little quiet.
214
00:09:24,500 --> 00:09:27,332
Everyone's asleep.
Have a seat.
215
00:09:27,401 --> 00:09:29,866
Okay, watch this.
This is my scene.
216
00:09:29,934 --> 00:09:31,899
McCLANE:
Doesn't make sense, man.
217
00:09:32,634 --> 00:09:34,132
Hey, don't ask me, man.
218
00:09:34,201 --> 00:09:37,032
I'm just a desk jockey
who was on my way home
when you rang.
219
00:09:37,100 --> 00:09:40,131
The way you drove that car,
I figured you
for the street, Al.
220
00:09:40,200 --> 00:09:42,165
AL: In my youth.
In my youth...
221
00:09:42,234 --> 00:09:43,799
Okay, here it comes.
Watch. Watch.
222
00:09:43,867 --> 00:09:45,699
MAN: We've had situations
223
00:09:45,767 --> 00:09:48,599
where the hostages
have embraced their captors
after their release
224
00:09:48,667 --> 00:09:51,098
and even corresponded
with them in prison.
225
00:09:51,167 --> 00:09:57,232
No, no. No, darling.
Asian Dawn.
Dawn. D-A-W-N.
226
00:09:57,301 --> 00:09:58,466
Sir?
Yeah?
227
00:09:58,534 --> 00:10:00,599
Sir, the FBI
is here.
228
00:10:00,668 --> 00:10:02,232
Oh, the FBI
is here now?
229
00:10:02,301 --> 00:10:04,032
Yes, sir.
Right over there.
230
00:10:04,101 --> 00:10:05,666
Hold this.
231
00:10:05,734 --> 00:10:07,032
Want a breath mint?
232
00:10:07,101 --> 00:10:08,232
(LAUGHING)
233
00:10:08,301 --> 00:10:09,599
Breath mint.
234
00:10:09,668 --> 00:10:10,999
I ad-libbed that line.
235
00:10:11,068 --> 00:10:14,433
Well, I had no idea
I was dating
a famous actor.
236
00:10:19,835 --> 00:10:21,099
Should we go upstairs?
237
00:10:21,168 --> 00:10:22,599
Sounds good to me.
238
00:10:30,500 --> 00:10:32,266
(WHEELS SQUEAKING)
239
00:10:44,333 --> 00:10:46,032
(MUMBLING)
240
00:10:46,101 --> 00:10:48,598
That's right, Shia.
Give me all you've got.
241
00:10:54,634 --> 00:10:56,632
Okay, the coast
is clear.
242
00:10:57,901 --> 00:10:59,433
Oh. Good morning.
243
00:10:59,501 --> 00:11:01,632
Oh. Hey, Lois.
244
00:11:01,700 --> 00:11:03,866
Who's...
Who's your friend?
245
00:11:03,934 --> 00:11:06,466
Rita, this is Lois.
Lois, Rita.
246
00:11:06,534 --> 00:11:07,899
So great
to meet you.
247
00:11:07,968 --> 00:11:09,165
Lovely to
meet you.
248
00:11:09,234 --> 00:11:10,499
Perfect. Everyone
hits it off.
249
00:11:10,567 --> 00:11:11,732
Listen, Rita,
why don't you
wait in the car?
250
00:11:11,801 --> 00:11:12,799
I'll be out
in a minute.
251
00:11:12,868 --> 00:11:15,066
Okay, sweetie.
252
00:11:15,134 --> 00:11:17,665
Well, you met her.
What do you think?
253
00:11:18,334 --> 00:11:19,632
(SNICKERING)
254
00:11:19,701 --> 00:11:20,732
What?
255
00:11:20,801 --> 00:11:23,265
What do I think?
She's 100!
256
00:11:23,334 --> 00:11:25,765
Oh, my God!
Peter, did you
see her?
257
00:11:25,834 --> 00:11:26,899
PETER: I'm looking
at her now!
258
00:11:26,968 --> 00:11:28,366
I can see her from
the window up here.
259
00:11:28,434 --> 00:11:30,599
Hey, anybody make
a Jessica Tandy
joke yet?
260
00:11:30,667 --> 00:11:32,699
No!
Awesome. I'll be right down.
261
00:11:32,768 --> 00:11:35,265
Hey, Brian,
who are you dating?
Jessica Tandy?
262
00:11:35,334 --> 00:11:38,899
Son of a bitch!
Damn it, Chris,
I called that from upstairs!
263
00:11:38,968 --> 00:11:41,333
What are you guys
talking about?
She's a beautiful woman.
264
00:11:41,401 --> 00:11:43,199
You know, Lois,
you, of all people,
should be pleased.
265
00:11:43,268 --> 00:11:46,299
I mean, all the crap I take
for dating young bimbos.
266
00:11:46,368 --> 00:11:47,999
How old
is she, Brian?
267
00:11:48,068 --> 00:11:51,066
What difference does it make?
Age has nothing
to do with anything.
268
00:11:51,134 --> 00:11:53,032
Okay, you know what?
I'll bring her to dinner
269
00:11:53,101 --> 00:11:56,833
and you can see for yourself
what a bright, fun and
charming woman she is.
270
00:11:56,901 --> 00:11:59,566
Wonderful.
I'll cook something
that's not too binding.
271
00:11:59,634 --> 00:12:03,132
She's not that old.
Old is Malcolm in the Middle
in Season 15.
272
00:12:03,201 --> 00:12:06,266
Malcolm, Dad drove the car
over your science project.
273
00:12:06,335 --> 00:12:07,999
Oh, brother.
274
00:12:08,068 --> 00:12:11,599
How am I gonna survive
junior high school
with this screwed-up family?
275
00:12:11,667 --> 00:12:13,565
And me,
in the middle of it all.
276
00:12:13,634 --> 00:12:17,232
A bunch of brothers
living together?
What a way to run a railroad.
277
00:12:21,835 --> 00:12:24,366
Well, Rita,
I'm so glad you could
join us for dinner.
278
00:12:24,435 --> 00:12:27,399
Thanks for having me, Lois.
This food is delicious.
279
00:12:27,468 --> 00:12:30,266
Oh, thank you.
I'm so glad
you can taste it.
280
00:12:30,335 --> 00:12:32,066
Hey, you know
what we haven't done
for a while?
281
00:12:32,135 --> 00:12:34,665
Go around the table
and everybody says
what year they were born.
282
00:12:34,734 --> 00:12:36,365
So, kids,
how was your day?
283
00:12:36,433 --> 00:12:38,331
Well, the sandbox was...
It was great!
284
00:12:38,400 --> 00:12:39,431
Guess he's
going first.
285
00:12:39,500 --> 00:12:42,532
We got a new
pencil sharpener
in math class!
286
00:12:42,601 --> 00:12:43,799
Well, that's nice.
287
00:12:43,868 --> 00:12:45,666
Say, Rita, who was President
when you were born?
288
00:12:45,735 --> 00:12:46,866
Great pot roast, Lois.
289
00:12:46,935 --> 00:12:48,432
Thank you, Brian.
290
00:12:48,500 --> 00:12:50,232
Rita, would you like me
to cut yours up
a little smaller?
291
00:12:50,300 --> 00:12:51,999
Oh, I'm fine.
292
00:12:52,068 --> 00:12:54,166
Boy! Speaking of that,
I don't know how many
people have asked me today
293
00:12:54,235 --> 00:12:56,498
where I was
when Martin Luther King
was shot.
294
00:12:56,567 --> 00:12:58,866
I'm sure you've been asked.
What do you tell them?
295
00:12:58,935 --> 00:13:02,766
Who can forget?
I remember
just crying like a baby.
296
00:13:02,834 --> 00:13:06,899
Crying like a baby?
Or crying like
someone in college?
297
00:13:06,968 --> 00:13:08,866
Say, Brian,
on her
answering machine,
298
00:13:08,935 --> 00:13:10,866
how long after
her message
is the beep?
299
00:13:10,935 --> 00:13:12,399
Wow. This has just
been a delight.
300
00:13:12,468 --> 00:13:15,033
You can't go yet.
We haven't had dessert.
301
00:13:15,101 --> 00:13:19,466
Interesting. You know,
the first time I had dessert
was 36 years ago today.
302
00:13:19,534 --> 00:13:21,599
How about you, Rita?
You remember
your first dessert?
303
00:13:21,667 --> 00:13:23,899
Lord, no!
It was so many
years ago.
304
00:13:23,968 --> 00:13:25,133
Like 40 years ago?
305
00:13:25,200 --> 00:13:27,299
Peter...
What were stagecoaches like?
306
00:13:27,367 --> 00:13:29,165
Fifty years ago?
Would that
be a good guess?
307
00:13:29,233 --> 00:13:30,499
Oh, dear.
Peter!
308
00:13:30,567 --> 00:13:32,432
How old are you?
How old are you?
309
00:13:32,500 --> 00:13:34,899
Fifty!
Okay? I'm 50!
310
00:13:34,968 --> 00:13:36,333
Happy now?
311
00:13:36,402 --> 00:13:37,665
(SOBBING)
312
00:13:39,367 --> 00:13:40,699
You people are awful!
313
00:13:40,768 --> 00:13:43,265
You know, this
is what's wrong
with society!
314
00:13:43,334 --> 00:13:45,399
Nobody bats an eye
if a woman
dates an older man,
315
00:13:45,468 --> 00:13:47,632
but God forbid
it's the other way around!
316
00:13:47,701 --> 00:13:49,833
There is nothing wrong
with me dating Rita.
317
00:13:49,901 --> 00:13:53,432
She's beautiful,
she's a charming woman,
and I love her!
318
00:13:55,168 --> 00:13:56,166
(DOOR SLAMMING)
319
00:14:01,634 --> 00:14:03,032
(RITA CRYING)
320
00:14:03,734 --> 00:14:04,799
Rita.
321
00:14:04,867 --> 00:14:06,965
Oh, Brian, please
leave me alone.
322
00:14:07,034 --> 00:14:08,399
They're right.
323
00:14:08,468 --> 00:14:10,699
I'm just an old fool
thinking we could
be together.
324
00:14:10,767 --> 00:14:12,332
Will you stop that?
They're insane.
325
00:14:12,400 --> 00:14:13,999
They don't know
what they're
talking about.
326
00:14:14,068 --> 00:14:16,100
You're an
amazing woman.
327
00:14:16,168 --> 00:14:17,866
You're just
saying that.
328
00:14:17,935 --> 00:14:22,432
No, I'm not.
The only thing that matters
is how I feel about you.
329
00:14:22,500 --> 00:14:25,033
Rita, I love you.
330
00:14:25,102 --> 00:14:26,733
I love you,
too, Brian.
331
00:14:26,801 --> 00:14:30,565
I think you're the most
wonderful woman
I've ever met.
332
00:14:30,634 --> 00:14:32,066
Will you marry me?
333
00:14:32,134 --> 00:14:33,598
What did you just say?
334
00:14:33,667 --> 00:14:36,366
Come on. You're only 50.
You heard me.
Will you marry me?
335
00:14:36,435 --> 00:14:41,132
Oh, Brian. Yes!
Yes, Brian,
I'll marry you!
336
00:14:43,300 --> 00:14:45,666
Hey, Mom. Hey, Brian.
We'll be upstairs.
337
00:14:45,734 --> 00:14:47,432
Yo, Rita.
You want in
on this?
338
00:14:47,501 --> 00:14:49,966
No, thanks.
We just got engaged.
339
00:14:50,034 --> 00:14:51,666
I'm faithful
to Brian now.
340
00:14:51,735 --> 00:14:53,999
Whatever. This ain't
even my whole night.
341
00:15:00,301 --> 00:15:02,233
You're engaged?
Yes.
342
00:15:02,302 --> 00:15:04,099
Rita and I are
getting married.
343
00:15:04,167 --> 00:15:06,799
My God! I can't even
react big enough.
344
00:15:06,868 --> 00:15:07,999
Here's
Mrs. Garrett.
345
00:15:08,067 --> 00:15:09,632
(IN SHOCKED TONE)
What?
346
00:15:09,701 --> 00:15:12,065
Look, if my happiness
means so little to you all
347
00:15:12,134 --> 00:15:14,732
that you have Charlotte Rae
just standing by
to crack a joke,
348
00:15:14,800 --> 00:15:16,565
then you
really disappoint me.
349
00:15:16,634 --> 00:15:20,365
Look, Brian, I apologize
for the other night.
We were all very insensitive.
350
00:15:20,434 --> 00:15:24,798
And if this is what you want,
we as a family support
your decision.
351
00:15:24,867 --> 00:15:27,698
I don't. I'd rather
you marry a...
352
00:15:27,767 --> 00:15:29,032
(STAMMERING)
353
00:15:30,367 --> 00:15:31,865
A Japanese
or something.
354
00:15:31,934 --> 00:15:33,566
I'm with you, too, buddy.
355
00:15:33,634 --> 00:15:36,666
In 20 years, she'll be 70,
and you'll have been dead
for 15 years.
356
00:15:36,734 --> 00:15:38,299
God bless the both of you.
357
00:15:42,568 --> 00:15:44,166
Hey, it's 4:30.
358
00:15:44,234 --> 00:15:46,466
Isn't there
an early-bird special
you should be running off to?
359
00:15:46,534 --> 00:15:48,532
She's 50, Stewie!
She's not an old woman.
360
00:15:48,601 --> 00:15:49,766
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
361
00:15:49,835 --> 00:15:51,699
Hello? Hey, Rita.
362
00:15:53,335 --> 00:15:56,333
No, I'm not hungry yet.
363
00:15:56,401 --> 00:15:59,199
Well, if we get there
by 5:30, I'm sure
they'll honor it.
364
00:15:59,268 --> 00:16:01,333
Brian, is she calling
dinner "supper"?
365
00:16:01,401 --> 00:16:03,332
So, what are you doing
this afternoon?
366
00:16:03,401 --> 00:16:06,298
(IN WOMAN'S VOICE)
"Oh, I'm just sorting out my
pills for the week, sweetie."
367
00:16:06,367 --> 00:16:09,098
Well, you do that
and I'll be over
a little later.
368
00:16:09,167 --> 00:16:12,365
Did I get it?
Was she sorting out
her pills for the week
369
00:16:12,434 --> 00:16:15,399
in that little
plastic thing with
the seven boxes?
370
00:16:15,467 --> 00:16:18,999
Actually, she just got back
from the gym and
she's jumping in the shower.
371
00:16:19,067 --> 00:16:20,598
She got a chair
in that shower?
372
00:16:20,667 --> 00:16:21,799
Shut up!
373
00:16:21,867 --> 00:16:23,399
Have archaeologists
ever discovered
374
00:16:23,467 --> 00:16:25,699
ancient Egyptian
pottery in her vagina?
375
00:16:25,768 --> 00:16:27,399
You know what?
That one was too wordy.
376
00:16:27,467 --> 00:16:30,299
That one was too wordy.
That was flawed
from the ground up.
377
00:16:30,367 --> 00:16:34,266
It wasn't funny,
and we'll work on it
and get back to you.
378
00:16:38,701 --> 00:16:39,999
BRIAN: Hey, Rita?
Yeah?
379
00:16:40,068 --> 00:16:41,333
Where do you keep
your toothpaste?
380
00:16:41,402 --> 00:16:42,966
What are you looking for?
Tooth polish?
381
00:16:43,035 --> 00:16:44,099
Toothpaste,
yeah.
382
00:16:44,168 --> 00:16:45,832
Just use
the baking soda.
383
00:16:45,901 --> 00:16:47,033
Baking soda?
384
00:16:47,101 --> 00:16:49,265
What the hell,
I can skip a night.
385
00:16:49,334 --> 00:16:50,865
Oh, I've never noticed
this picture before.
386
00:16:50,934 --> 00:16:52,266
Is that you when
you were a little girl?
387
00:16:52,335 --> 00:16:55,332
Oh, yeah. That's the summer
my family went to DC.
388
00:16:55,401 --> 00:16:58,666
That flag's missing
some stars, there.
389
00:16:58,734 --> 00:17:00,632
Why don't you
come to bed, Brian?
390
00:17:00,701 --> 00:17:03,331
What do you say
we make a little whoopee?
391
00:17:03,400 --> 00:17:05,231
Yeah, sure.
Why not?
392
00:17:06,135 --> 00:17:07,532
(BOTH MOANING)
393
00:17:08,968 --> 00:17:10,865
You okay? I'm not
hurting you, am I?
394
00:17:10,935 --> 00:17:13,099
No, I'm fine.
What are you
talking about?
395
00:17:13,168 --> 00:17:14,933
I just want to
make sure
you're comfortable.
396
00:17:15,001 --> 00:17:16,199
(BOTH MOANING)
397
00:17:17,335 --> 00:17:19,066
I love you, Brian.
Sock it to me!
398
00:17:19,135 --> 00:17:20,133
What?
399
00:17:20,201 --> 00:17:21,233
(RITA EXCLAIMS IN PAIN)
400
00:17:21,302 --> 00:17:23,300
What's wrong?
Oh, nothing.
401
00:17:23,368 --> 00:17:26,632
When I'm on my back,
sometimes my breast
can slide in my armpit.
402
00:17:26,700 --> 00:17:28,465
Just got pinched,
that's all.
403
00:17:28,534 --> 00:17:29,899
Okay.
404
00:17:29,968 --> 00:17:31,266
(BOTH MOANING)
405
00:17:33,001 --> 00:17:34,033
(RITA SCREAMING)
406
00:17:34,101 --> 00:17:35,233
Was that your boob?
407
00:17:35,302 --> 00:17:37,732
God, no! I think
I broke my hip.
408
00:17:37,801 --> 00:17:39,300
Oh, my God,
what should I do?
409
00:17:39,368 --> 00:17:41,665
Call the number
on my bracelet.
410
00:17:41,734 --> 00:17:44,899
It says "Murray Hill 4185."
That's not enough numbers!
411
00:17:44,967 --> 00:17:48,799
That's the number, Brian.
Just dial 0
and read it to Sarah.
412
00:17:48,868 --> 00:17:50,066
Jesus Christ!
413
00:17:53,534 --> 00:17:56,199
(SIGHING) She's fine.
She's out of surgery
and she's resting.
414
00:17:56,268 --> 00:17:58,599
Well, how did
she break it?
Did she fall?
415
00:17:58,667 --> 00:18:00,100
(MUMBLING)
416
00:18:00,168 --> 00:18:01,465
Yes, she fell.
417
00:18:01,534 --> 00:18:03,398
You know, Brian,
a woman her age
comes in here,
418
00:18:03,467 --> 00:18:04,498
they don't
always leave.
419
00:18:04,568 --> 00:18:05,999
Peter, she's gonna
be okay.
420
00:18:06,067 --> 00:18:08,766
Listen, Brian, you say
the word and I'll go
in there with a pillow
421
00:18:08,834 --> 00:18:10,432
and you won't have
any more problems.
422
00:18:10,500 --> 00:18:13,131
How many times
do I have to tell you
I'm sticking by this woman?
423
00:18:13,200 --> 00:18:14,899
I love her!
Careful, Brian.
424
00:18:14,968 --> 00:18:17,265
Sometimes
the things you love
can disappoint you.
425
00:18:17,333 --> 00:18:18,866
Like that
Playboy issue.
426
00:18:18,934 --> 00:18:22,532
(SIGHS) Here we go.
"Playboy's Women
of the Olympics."
427
00:18:22,601 --> 00:18:24,999
Wow, those are
some broad shoulders.
428
00:18:25,067 --> 00:18:28,199
Okay, I guess small boobs
are good for swimming.
429
00:18:28,268 --> 00:18:31,565
Not sure I like
chiseled quads
so close to a vagina.
430
00:18:32,301 --> 00:18:33,299
(STAMMERING)
431
00:18:33,367 --> 00:18:34,365
Those are balls.
432
00:18:39,434 --> 00:18:42,199
Brian? Brian!
433
00:18:43,101 --> 00:18:44,933
Oh. Is the soup ready?
434
00:18:45,001 --> 00:18:46,032
Yeah. Got it
right here.
435
00:18:46,101 --> 00:18:47,899
Oh, good.
I need to
take my pills.
436
00:18:47,968 --> 00:18:49,799
It's been
three hours.
437
00:18:49,868 --> 00:18:53,599
You know, they warned me
these blue ones were
gonna make me constipated.
438
00:18:53,668 --> 00:18:55,399
Right they were.
Okay.
439
00:18:55,468 --> 00:18:57,333
I am plugged up.
440
00:18:57,401 --> 00:18:58,699
No, I got it.
441
00:19:02,300 --> 00:19:04,499
Do it, Brian. Do it.
442
00:19:04,567 --> 00:19:05,732
(SNICKERING)
443
00:19:05,800 --> 00:19:07,532
It's me as a pillow.
444
00:19:07,601 --> 00:19:11,265
You know what, Brian?
I could really use
some milk of magnesia.
445
00:19:11,334 --> 00:19:13,299
Okay. Well, I'll go
pick some up.
446
00:19:13,368 --> 00:19:15,833
Thanks, Brian.
I love you.
447
00:19:15,901 --> 00:19:18,532
And if you're going out,
get some milk of magnesia.
448
00:19:18,600 --> 00:19:21,099
Yeah. You just
said that.
449
00:19:26,601 --> 00:19:27,798
(GIGGLING)
450
00:19:29,968 --> 00:19:32,598
RITA: I am plugged up.
451
00:19:32,667 --> 00:19:33,999
(GIGGLING)
452
00:19:36,768 --> 00:19:37,965
(SIGHING)
453
00:19:39,001 --> 00:19:41,166
Wow, you are
really pretty!
454
00:19:41,234 --> 00:19:42,532
Thanks.
455
00:19:42,601 --> 00:19:45,199
You know,
I wrote a book.
456
00:19:45,268 --> 00:19:46,399
What's that?
457
00:19:46,467 --> 00:19:48,532
It's like a long magazine.
Huh?
458
00:19:48,601 --> 00:19:50,632
It's like the Internet
made out of a tree.
459
00:19:50,701 --> 00:19:53,832
Oh. Weird.
You want to have sex
in the bathroom?
460
00:19:53,901 --> 00:19:57,799
Oh, gosh! What a treat!
Yes. Yes.
I would like that.
461
00:20:02,901 --> 00:20:04,932
Boy, that took you
a long time!
462
00:20:05,001 --> 00:20:06,866
Did you have to wait
for the streetcar?
463
00:20:06,934 --> 00:20:09,566
Look, Rita.
I have a confession
to make.
464
00:20:09,634 --> 00:20:11,699
I met a girl,
I had a couple of drinks
465
00:20:11,768 --> 00:20:12,866
and I slept with her.
466
00:20:12,934 --> 00:20:14,332
You what?
467
00:20:14,401 --> 00:20:16,699
I know. I feel awful.
It was a terrible thing
to do.
468
00:20:16,768 --> 00:20:19,365
I'm so sorry.
It'll never
happen again.
469
00:20:19,434 --> 00:20:23,199
But there's an upside.
You see, these past few weeks
470
00:20:23,268 --> 00:20:24,999
I've been doubting
whether we're compatible.
471
00:20:25,067 --> 00:20:26,666
You know, because
of the age difference.
472
00:20:26,734 --> 00:20:29,632
But I realized that
that doesn't matter.
473
00:20:29,701 --> 00:20:32,865
What I get from you
is what I always wanted,
474
00:20:32,934 --> 00:20:35,132
a smart, sexy,
real person
475
00:20:35,201 --> 00:20:38,832
who I can talk with
and share every piece
of me with.
476
00:20:38,901 --> 00:20:41,798
I had a moment
of weakness today, but,
in a way, it's all right
477
00:20:41,867 --> 00:20:44,333
because it's taken me
to a place
where I now realize
478
00:20:44,401 --> 00:20:46,166
that you're not
too old for me.
479
00:20:46,234 --> 00:20:49,099
Isn't that great?
You're not too old for me!
480
00:20:49,168 --> 00:20:52,298
You know what, Brian?
You're not
old enough for me.
481
00:20:52,367 --> 00:20:54,132
What?
You cheated on me.
482
00:20:54,200 --> 00:20:55,798
That's what
happened today.
483
00:20:55,867 --> 00:20:58,065
You can rationalize it
any way you want,
484
00:20:58,134 --> 00:21:00,932
but to me, all that shows
is that
you're an immature guy
485
00:21:01,001 --> 00:21:03,166
who doesn't realize
what a catch I am.
486
00:21:03,234 --> 00:21:07,399
I'm sorry, Brian,
but you screwed up.
Now please go.
487
00:21:07,467 --> 00:21:09,299
But, Rita...
Go!
488
00:21:09,367 --> 00:21:11,999
You can leave
my apartment key
on the davenport.
489
00:21:13,801 --> 00:21:14,866
Here?
490
00:21:14,934 --> 00:21:17,099
No, the davenport,
the chesterfield.
491
00:21:18,400 --> 00:21:19,432
On this?
492
00:21:19,501 --> 00:21:21,565
No. Does that look
like a divan to you?
493
00:21:22,634 --> 00:21:23,866
Here?
494
00:21:23,935 --> 00:21:25,833
Leave them
on the chifforobe.
495
00:21:25,901 --> 00:21:27,298
You know what?
Just take
your fucking keys.
496
00:21:27,367 --> 00:21:30,499
I don't know what the fuck
you're talking about.
497
00:22:07,901 --> 00:22:08,932
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