1
00:00:03,067 --> 00:00:05,832
♪ It seems today
that all you see
2
00:00:05,901 --> 00:00:09,166
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
3
00:00:09,233 --> 00:00:12,798
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values
4
00:00:12,867 --> 00:00:15,899
♪ On which we used to rely?
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00:00:15,967 --> 00:00:19,231
♪ Lucky there's a family guy
6
00:00:19,300 --> 00:00:22,498
♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do
7
00:00:22,567 --> 00:00:24,166
♪ All the things
that make us
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00:00:24,233 --> 00:00:25,832
♪ Laugh and cry
9
00:00:25,901 --> 00:00:30,132
♪ He's a family guy ♪
10
00:00:36,934 --> 00:00:39,199
Hi, Chris.
How'd you do on
your science test?
11
00:00:39,268 --> 00:00:40,366
I got a D.
12
00:00:40,434 --> 00:00:42,431
A D? That's fantastic!
13
00:00:42,500 --> 00:00:44,233
Just kidding.
I know it means
you suck.
14
00:00:44,301 --> 00:00:46,266
Come here,
you delightful idiot!
15
00:00:46,334 --> 00:00:47,565
Another D, Chris?
16
00:00:47,634 --> 00:00:50,299
I'm sorry, Mom.
But science is so hard.
17
00:00:50,368 --> 00:00:52,432
Well, maybe you just need
a little extra help.
18
00:00:52,501 --> 00:00:54,632
Dad, would you help me
with my homework?
19
00:00:54,701 --> 00:00:59,032
Chris, I gotta tell you,
that sounds worse than
a trip to a failing mall.
20
00:00:59,101 --> 00:01:01,065
All right, kids.
Your mom is gonna
go to the Cinnabon
21
00:01:01,134 --> 00:01:03,098
that has the cage
pulled halfway down.
22
00:01:03,166 --> 00:01:04,531
And I'm gonna go
to the stereo store
23
00:01:04,601 --> 00:01:06,465
next to the dead fountain
with garbage in it.
24
00:01:06,533 --> 00:01:10,565
Let's say we meet back here
under the glue outline of
the old Limited sign.
25
00:01:10,634 --> 00:01:12,132
Well, it doesn't
matter anyway.
26
00:01:12,200 --> 00:01:13,598
Every time
I try to study,
27
00:01:13,667 --> 00:01:17,032
the evil monkey comes
out of my closet
and scares me.
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00:01:20,834 --> 00:01:23,265
Oh, for God's sake, Chris!
You're in high school now.
29
00:01:23,334 --> 00:01:26,365
Stop talking about
that evil monkey!
He's not real.
30
00:01:26,434 --> 00:01:28,799
He is too real!
I can prove it!
31
00:01:28,867 --> 00:01:31,665
Well, you'll have to do
a better job than you did
on your science test.
32
00:01:31,733 --> 00:01:33,464
Or than God did
when he left the iron
33
00:01:33,533 --> 00:01:35,465
on Ellen Barkin's face
too long.
34
00:01:37,034 --> 00:01:38,098
Oh, damn!
35
00:01:38,166 --> 00:01:39,498
How is it?
36
00:01:39,567 --> 00:01:41,464
You know what?
We'll put you in the '80s.
You'll pass for hot.
37
00:01:41,533 --> 00:01:44,465
Now, get in the van
with Kelly McGillis.
38
00:01:44,534 --> 00:01:47,231
Next stop, Hollywood!
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00:01:47,300 --> 00:01:48,498
(BRAYING)
40
00:01:53,101 --> 00:01:55,432
ANNOUNCER ON TV: Up next,
the Hannah Montana marathon.
41
00:01:55,501 --> 00:01:56,865
Yes!
42
00:01:56,934 --> 00:01:58,698
And for all you fans,
the Miley Cyrus tour
43
00:01:58,767 --> 00:02:01,632
is coming to
the Quahog Civic Center
for three nights only.
44
00:02:01,700 --> 00:02:03,165
Call to get
your tickets now.
45
00:02:03,234 --> 00:02:05,232
(SCREAMING) Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
46
00:02:05,301 --> 00:02:06,899
But not now.
'Cause it just sold out.
47
00:02:06,968 --> 00:02:10,432
What? Oh, no.
No! No, no! No!
I'm calling anyway!
48
00:02:10,500 --> 00:02:12,332
I need Hannah Montana tickets
and I need them now!
49
00:02:12,400 --> 00:02:14,865
Never mind who this is!
Can you get them or not?
50
00:02:14,934 --> 00:02:17,032
I guess I should dial
something first.
51
00:02:17,101 --> 00:02:19,032
What's all the noise?
What are you watching?
52
00:02:19,101 --> 00:02:20,832
Sorry.
But you know the rules.
53
00:02:20,901 --> 00:02:22,565
Hannah can't do
the photo shoot
54
00:02:22,633 --> 00:02:24,665
until Miley
finishes her homework.
55
00:02:24,734 --> 00:02:27,665
You can't tell Hannah
what to do. She's not
your daughter.
56
00:02:27,734 --> 00:02:30,199
Wait. So,
Miley's my daughter,
but Hannah isn't?
57
00:02:30,268 --> 00:02:31,299
Right.
58
00:02:31,367 --> 00:02:32,966
Great. Put your wig on.
59
00:02:33,034 --> 00:02:34,066
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
60
00:02:34,134 --> 00:02:36,231
Shut up!
This is real.
61
00:02:36,300 --> 00:02:37,432
(LAUGHING)
62
00:02:37,501 --> 00:02:39,132
You're watching
Hannah Montana?
63
00:02:39,200 --> 00:02:41,298
Well, yeah.
To make fun of it.
64
00:02:41,367 --> 00:02:42,565
I mean, look how
stupid she is
65
00:02:42,634 --> 00:02:44,765
with her clothes
and her makeup,
66
00:02:44,834 --> 00:02:47,598
and that
fabulous hair and...
67
00:02:47,667 --> 00:02:50,665
Oh, my God, Brian!
It's my favorite show!
It's my favorite show ever!
68
00:02:50,734 --> 00:02:52,032
Jesus.
And she's coming to town!
69
00:02:52,100 --> 00:02:53,298
And I have to
get tickets, Brian!
70
00:02:53,367 --> 00:02:54,665
You have to
help me get tickets!
71
00:02:54,734 --> 00:02:57,899
No. It's a stupid show
and a huge waste of time.
72
00:02:57,968 --> 00:03:01,398
But she's my favorite.
73
00:03:01,467 --> 00:03:03,665
Oh, my God.
Are you crying?
74
00:03:03,734 --> 00:03:06,099
Yes! Hannah Montana
is my hero!
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00:03:06,168 --> 00:03:07,966
I love her so, so much!
76
00:03:08,034 --> 00:03:09,665
And this is the only time
she's gonna be in town!
77
00:03:09,734 --> 00:03:12,765
And now I'll never
get to see her!
Will you help me?
78
00:03:12,834 --> 00:03:13,832
No.
79
00:03:18,567 --> 00:03:20,599
Hey, Chris. You want to
practice kissing again?
80
00:03:20,667 --> 00:03:23,332
I'm busy.
I set up a video
camera last night,
81
00:03:23,400 --> 00:03:26,232
so I can prove
to Mom and Dad that
the evil monkey is real.
82
00:03:26,300 --> 00:03:27,998
And I want to see
what I got.
83
00:04:05,333 --> 00:04:09,632
Oh. Nothing. All right,
it's time to play rough!
84
00:04:14,467 --> 00:04:15,498
You wanted to see me?
85
00:04:15,567 --> 00:04:17,133
Yes, yes, come in.
Close the door.
86
00:04:18,067 --> 00:04:20,232
Take a look
at this, Brian.
87
00:04:20,301 --> 00:04:22,498
Recognize him, Brian?
No.
88
00:04:22,566 --> 00:04:25,065
It's your brother.
I found him
for you, buddy.
89
00:04:25,134 --> 00:04:27,431
What? Jerry?
That's amazing.
90
00:04:27,500 --> 00:04:29,765
Can he hear me?
Hi, Jerry.
91
00:04:29,834 --> 00:04:31,331
What's that big thing
around his neck?
92
00:04:31,400 --> 00:04:33,298
Oh, I'll show you.
93
00:04:34,967 --> 00:04:36,465
(SCREAMING)
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
94
00:04:36,534 --> 00:04:37,598
What did you do?
95
00:04:37,667 --> 00:04:38,798
I killed him, Brian.
96
00:04:38,867 --> 00:04:40,632
And he's the lucky one.
He went quickly.
97
00:04:40,700 --> 00:04:42,798
There were nine dogs
in that litter.
98
00:04:51,534 --> 00:04:54,598
Now, are you going to
help me get those
Hannah Montana tickets?
99
00:04:54,667 --> 00:04:56,266
Stewie, you're not
going to be able
to get tickets.
100
00:04:56,333 --> 00:04:58,898
It's, like, the
biggest thing in town.
It's sold out.
101
00:04:58,968 --> 00:05:01,799
Then you are
going to help me
find a way to get in.
102
00:05:01,868 --> 00:05:03,132
Okay, okay,
I'll help you.
103
00:05:03,201 --> 00:05:04,832
Excellent.
104
00:05:04,901 --> 00:05:07,832
Wait, you managed
to hunt down eight dogs
that were born years ago
105
00:05:07,901 --> 00:05:09,165
on a farm in Texas,
106
00:05:09,234 --> 00:05:11,266
and you can't manage to get
Hannah Montana tickets?
107
00:05:11,334 --> 00:05:13,065
That's what I said.
108
00:05:33,634 --> 00:05:34,765
I got you,
you bastard!
109
00:05:38,168 --> 00:05:42,132
Well, here he is!
The evil monkey!
110
00:05:42,201 --> 00:05:43,999
Do you believe me now?
111
00:05:44,068 --> 00:05:45,165
Holy crap!
112
00:05:45,234 --> 00:05:46,465
It is real!
113
00:05:46,533 --> 00:05:49,465
Oh, my God!
I thought I was
the only one!
114
00:05:49,533 --> 00:05:52,464
Meg, we're doing
Chris' monkey.
115
00:05:59,201 --> 00:06:01,065
Oh, my God!
Chris was right!
116
00:06:01,134 --> 00:06:03,331
Holy crap!
Chris, is that
thing dangerous?
117
00:06:03,400 --> 00:06:05,066
Yes! He's evil!
118
00:06:05,134 --> 00:06:06,432
I'm not really evil.
119
00:06:06,501 --> 00:06:07,965
(GASPING) It talks!
120
00:06:08,034 --> 00:06:10,631
If someone
will please untie me,
I'll explain everything.
121
00:06:10,701 --> 00:06:13,131
No, Dad!
Don't do it!
He's evil!
122
00:06:13,200 --> 00:06:16,298
Look, just trust me.
This is all a huge
misunderstanding.
123
00:06:16,366 --> 00:06:18,131
Chris, I think we should
give him a chance to
explain himself.
124
00:06:18,200 --> 00:06:19,198
(SHOUTING) No!
125
00:06:21,901 --> 00:06:23,498
(SIGHING)
Thank you very much.
126
00:06:23,566 --> 00:06:25,032
Now, I know
this looks bad,
127
00:06:25,101 --> 00:06:26,732
me living in your
son's closet and all.
128
00:06:26,800 --> 00:06:29,199
But it's a very
complex situation.
129
00:06:29,268 --> 00:06:31,799
You see, basically,
I got home from work
one day
130
00:06:31,868 --> 00:06:34,599
and found my
wife cheating on me
with another monkey.
131
00:06:34,667 --> 00:06:36,532
Oh, that's terrible.
132
00:06:36,601 --> 00:06:38,765
I fell into
a deep depression
after the divorce,
133
00:06:38,834 --> 00:06:40,531
which ended up
costing me my job.
134
00:06:40,600 --> 00:06:42,765
All my money was gone,
which means I lost
the house.
135
00:06:42,833 --> 00:06:44,165
So I moved
into Chris' closet
136
00:06:44,234 --> 00:06:45,999
just until I got back
on my feet again.
137
00:06:46,067 --> 00:06:48,598
Wound up
living in there
for nine years.
138
00:06:48,667 --> 00:06:51,198
Oh, my God!
You've missed so much.
139
00:06:51,267 --> 00:06:52,565
Like when America
was attacked
140
00:06:52,633 --> 00:06:54,899
by mentally-challenged
suicide bombers.
141
00:06:54,968 --> 00:06:58,066
(EXCLAIMING IN ARABIC)
142
00:06:58,134 --> 00:07:00,965
You know something?
You're not evil at all,
are you?
143
00:07:01,034 --> 00:07:04,598
No, he's not.
He's just a poor fellow
who's down on his luck.
144
00:07:04,667 --> 00:07:06,032
Easy for you to say!
145
00:07:06,101 --> 00:07:08,865
He doesn't
hide in your closet
making a scary face!
146
00:07:08,934 --> 00:07:10,599
That's just the face I
make when I'm thinking.
147
00:07:10,667 --> 00:07:12,132
And you're always
pointing at me.
148
00:07:12,201 --> 00:07:13,799
I was trying to
start a conversation.
149
00:07:13,868 --> 00:07:15,699
And you do that
weird trembling thing!
150
00:07:15,767 --> 00:07:16,932
I have
a copper deficiency.
151
00:07:17,001 --> 00:07:19,065
Look, Chris, I'm sorry
if I scared you before.
152
00:07:19,134 --> 00:07:21,265
But this is a great chance
for us to start over.
153
00:07:21,334 --> 00:07:22,532
No, it isn't!
154
00:07:22,601 --> 00:07:25,399
You can fool
everyone else, but
you can't fool me!
155
00:07:25,468 --> 00:07:26,965
You go to hell!
156
00:07:33,267 --> 00:07:35,298
Hi, we're on the list.
Names?
157
00:07:35,367 --> 00:07:37,765
Stewie Griffin
and Kanye West.
158
00:07:37,834 --> 00:07:39,233
Yo, yo, yo.
159
00:07:39,300 --> 00:07:40,565
You don't look
like Kanye West.
160
00:07:40,634 --> 00:07:41,665
That's what I said.
161
00:07:41,734 --> 00:07:42,799
No, I'm him.
162
00:07:42,868 --> 00:07:44,598
Then sing
one of your songs.
163
00:07:46,300 --> 00:07:49,866
♪ Freddie Sanford
Freddie Sanford
and his son
164
00:07:49,934 --> 00:07:53,465
♪ Freddie Sanford
In a junkyard having fun
165
00:07:53,533 --> 00:07:57,133
♪ What the devil will
they screw up next? ♪
166
00:07:57,201 --> 00:07:58,932
(GASPING)
You are Kanye West!
167
00:08:00,068 --> 00:08:01,765
(MUSICIANS
TUNING INSTRUMENTS)
168
00:08:08,333 --> 00:08:09,665
(GASPING)
169
00:08:12,233 --> 00:08:15,932
Okay. Now,
remember to play it cool.
Act like you belong here.
170
00:08:16,001 --> 00:08:18,198
(SHOUTING) Oh, my God,
Miley! I love you!
I love you! I love you!
171
00:08:18,266 --> 00:08:20,632
I'm your biggest fan!
Can I touch your hair?
172
00:08:20,700 --> 00:08:22,899
Who are you guys?
How did you get
back here?
173
00:08:22,968 --> 00:08:24,532
Look, I'm really
sorry about this.
174
00:08:24,601 --> 00:08:27,132
This is my friend Stewie.
He's just a baby.
175
00:08:27,201 --> 00:08:30,599
And he's your biggest fan.
And he has cancer.
176
00:08:30,667 --> 00:08:32,266
Oh, my God! Really?
177
00:08:32,334 --> 00:08:35,065
Yeah. He's got a tumor
in his head the size
of a football.
178
00:08:35,134 --> 00:08:36,766
I think I can see it.
179
00:08:36,834 --> 00:08:39,699
Well, in that case,
I wouldn't feel right
about throwing you out.
180
00:08:39,768 --> 00:08:41,531
Especially if
you're my biggest fan.
181
00:08:41,600 --> 00:08:42,932
(MUMBLING)
182
00:08:43,000 --> 00:08:44,965
Stay here.
You can watch the
show from backstage.
183
00:08:45,034 --> 00:08:47,398
And afterwards,
we'll all hang out.
184
00:08:47,467 --> 00:08:50,299
Sweet niblets! This is
the greatest day of my life.
185
00:08:50,368 --> 00:08:52,366
Sweet niblets?
Yeah, sweet niblets.
186
00:08:52,434 --> 00:08:54,699
That's her catchphrase,
sweet niblets.
187
00:08:54,767 --> 00:08:55,899
Say it.
188
00:08:55,968 --> 00:08:57,232
Say it back to me.
What?
189
00:08:57,301 --> 00:08:58,932
Say, "sweet niblets"!
Sweet niblets.
190
00:08:59,001 --> 00:09:01,132
That wasn't so hard,
was it?
191
00:09:04,433 --> 00:09:05,932
I mean,
Sarah Silverman
192
00:09:06,000 --> 00:09:08,565
is just one of the
most wonderful people
you'll ever meet.
193
00:09:08,634 --> 00:09:11,465
That's so good to hear.
I want to like her.
194
00:09:11,534 --> 00:09:13,798
She's so funny.
I want her
to also be nice.
195
00:09:13,867 --> 00:09:15,432
Could you tell us
some stories about her?
196
00:09:15,500 --> 00:09:17,065
Of course I can.
197
00:09:17,134 --> 00:09:20,099
Right after I show you
how to make homemade
root-beer popsicles.
198
00:09:20,167 --> 00:09:21,432
(ALL LAUGHING)
199
00:09:22,934 --> 00:09:25,099
You, sir,
are good company.
200
00:09:25,167 --> 00:09:28,198
Well, I'm glad
you guys are having
such a great time
201
00:09:28,266 --> 00:09:31,299
with that evil thing
that tortured me
for years!
202
00:09:31,367 --> 00:09:34,199
Dad, I thought you
were gonna help me
with my book report.
203
00:09:34,267 --> 00:09:36,333
Chris, there
is a monkey here.
204
00:09:36,401 --> 00:09:38,932
And I just fed him
a whole bag of
Subway sandwiches.
205
00:09:39,001 --> 00:09:40,798
In a couple hours,
we are gonna sit around
206
00:09:40,867 --> 00:09:43,399
and throw his
soft-bread stool
at each other.
207
00:09:43,467 --> 00:09:46,433
Now, you are welcome
to be a part of that,
or not.
208
00:09:46,500 --> 00:09:48,565
I'm just telling you
what's gonna happen.
209
00:09:48,633 --> 00:09:50,865
Well, thanks for
nothing, Dad!
210
00:09:52,634 --> 00:09:55,498
Don't mind him,
Monkey. He's just
a big disappointment.
211
00:09:55,567 --> 00:09:58,598
Like things
that look like DVDs
from far away.
212
00:09:58,667 --> 00:10:00,032
(GASPING) DVDs!
213
00:10:00,100 --> 00:10:01,099
Oh, books.
214
00:10:22,068 --> 00:10:25,832
(SIGHING)
That feels so good.
You are an artist.
215
00:10:25,901 --> 00:10:27,465
Thank you.
216
00:10:27,534 --> 00:10:31,165
Lois doesn't like my
toenails 'cause they
stab her in the night.
217
00:10:31,234 --> 00:10:33,998
Hear that, Lois?
Somebody likes
my toenails.
218
00:10:34,067 --> 00:10:35,165
Good for you, Peter.
219
00:10:35,234 --> 00:10:38,565
Good for this family.
Good for all of us.
220
00:10:38,634 --> 00:10:41,932
Mom! Dad! I got an A
on my book report!
221
00:10:42,000 --> 00:10:43,565
That's wonderful, honey.
222
00:10:43,634 --> 00:10:44,765
Congratulations, Chris.
223
00:10:44,833 --> 00:10:46,032
What did you
write about?
224
00:10:46,100 --> 00:10:47,265
Um...
225
00:10:47,333 --> 00:10:50,798
"The Slave Trade Allegory
of Curious George."
226
00:10:50,867 --> 00:10:52,798
Wait a minute.
I didn't write this.
227
00:10:52,867 --> 00:10:53,998
Oh, really?
228
00:10:54,067 --> 00:10:56,265
Did...
Did you write this?
229
00:10:56,333 --> 00:10:58,398
Well, I can't take
all the credit.
230
00:10:58,467 --> 00:11:00,498
I've been
listening to you talk
in your sleep for years.
231
00:11:00,567 --> 00:11:02,965
So, I just put your
thoughts on paper.
That's all.
232
00:11:03,034 --> 00:11:04,265
Wow.
233
00:11:04,334 --> 00:11:06,565
That's the nicest thing
anyone's ever done for me.
234
00:11:06,634 --> 00:11:08,532
Thanks, evil...
235
00:11:08,600 --> 00:11:10,398
Thanks, Monkey.
236
00:11:10,467 --> 00:11:13,398
I'd get up to hug you,
but sitting down's the only
thing keeping the shit in.
237
00:11:13,467 --> 00:11:14,565
Nah, that's okay.
238
00:11:18,734 --> 00:11:21,631
I can't believe
I'm sitting here
with you, Miley Cyrus.
239
00:11:21,700 --> 00:11:23,065
It's like
I'm in a dream.
240
00:11:23,134 --> 00:11:25,232
Well, that makes
me happy, Stewie.
241
00:11:25,300 --> 00:11:26,332
What are you doing?
242
00:11:26,400 --> 00:11:27,932
Oh, I'm just writing
some new lyrics.
243
00:11:28,000 --> 00:11:29,898
You write
your own lyrics?
Yeah.
244
00:11:29,967 --> 00:11:32,265
So do I.
245
00:11:32,334 --> 00:11:34,798
Oh, you wrote a song?
Look at you.
246
00:11:34,867 --> 00:11:36,732
You're a regular
little Tim McGraw.
247
00:11:36,801 --> 00:11:39,065
(LAUGHING)
248
00:11:39,134 --> 00:11:40,265
I'm a little better
than Tim McGraw.
249
00:11:41,767 --> 00:11:43,798
Hey, these are
pretty good, Stewie.
250
00:11:43,867 --> 00:11:46,232
Really? Do you think
you could sing them?
251
00:11:46,301 --> 00:11:47,798
Only if you
sing with me.
252
00:11:47,867 --> 00:11:49,531
(EXCLAIMING EXCITEDLY)
253
00:11:49,600 --> 00:11:50,966
(POP MUSIC PLAYING)
254
00:11:53,268 --> 00:11:57,899
♪ You and I didn't
quite get along
when we first met
255
00:12:00,400 --> 00:12:05,032
♪ When you put us together
we just didn't blend
256
00:12:07,600 --> 00:12:12,432
♪ But the more that
I know you the more
it's a good fit
257
00:12:14,667 --> 00:12:19,732
♪ Now we've got
what it takes to be
very best friends
258
00:12:21,500 --> 00:12:24,865
BOTH: ♪ A friendship
is the best thing ever
259
00:12:24,934 --> 00:12:28,398
MILEY: ♪ Except
for best friendship
which is a little better
260
00:12:28,467 --> 00:12:30,166
STEWIE:
♪ You mean a lot better
261
00:12:30,235 --> 00:12:31,998
♪ I mean a lot better
262
00:12:32,067 --> 00:12:35,498
♪ Now we're friends
Yes, it's true
263
00:12:35,567 --> 00:12:39,331
♪ But no one else
can friend me like you
264
00:12:41,068 --> 00:12:44,365
BOTH: ♪ A friendship
is the best thing ever
265
00:12:44,434 --> 00:12:47,932
MILEY: ♪ Except
for best friendship
which is a little better
266
00:12:48,001 --> 00:12:49,731
STEWIE:
♪ You mean a lot better
267
00:12:49,800 --> 00:12:52,265
♪ I mean a lot better
268
00:12:53,067 --> 00:12:54,331
BOTH: ♪ With you ♪
269
00:13:00,101 --> 00:13:01,333
Hey, where you guys been?
270
00:13:01,401 --> 00:13:03,531
We went to the
father-son barbecue.
271
00:13:03,600 --> 00:13:06,065
You drove all the way
up to Fatherson
for a barbecue?
272
00:13:06,134 --> 00:13:09,265
No, Dad.
It was a barbecue
for fathers and sons.
273
00:13:09,334 --> 00:13:12,332
Wait a minute.
You went with the monkey
to a father-son thing?
274
00:13:12,400 --> 00:13:14,865
Well, it's not like
you ever take me anywhere.
275
00:13:14,934 --> 00:13:16,365
What?
Oh, listen, Peter.
I didn't...
276
00:13:16,434 --> 00:13:18,265
Meg, please!
It's true.
277
00:13:18,334 --> 00:13:20,065
You never want to do
anything with me!
278
00:13:20,134 --> 00:13:22,898
But the monkey's
been taking me to all
the fun places I like!
279
00:13:22,967 --> 00:13:25,499
And he's been helping me
with all my homework!
280
00:13:25,567 --> 00:13:28,265
He helped me get
an A in algebra!
281
00:13:28,334 --> 00:13:30,399
How did the monkey
know you needed help
with algebra?
282
00:13:30,468 --> 00:13:33,565
(CRYING)
Because he asked!
283
00:13:33,634 --> 00:13:35,966
That's right, Dad.
You never ask.
284
00:13:36,034 --> 00:13:38,333
And even if you did,
you never listen!
285
00:13:38,401 --> 00:13:42,066
And now you're
getting mad at the monkey
because he actually cares?
286
00:13:42,134 --> 00:13:46,999
Screw you!
You are the worst dad in
the world, and I hate you!
287
00:13:47,068 --> 00:13:50,499
Well...
Well, I hate you, too!
288
00:13:50,567 --> 00:13:54,432
Oh, damn.
I left my cell phone up
at that monkey-kid barbecue.
289
00:13:54,501 --> 00:13:56,299
I thought
you said it was
a father-son barbecue.
290
00:13:56,368 --> 00:13:57,799
Yeah. But it was
up in Monkeykid.
291
00:13:57,868 --> 00:13:59,232
(SHOUTING) What?
292
00:14:13,233 --> 00:14:15,832
Boy, you guys have been
awful quiet this morning.
293
00:14:15,901 --> 00:14:18,998
Lois, could you
ask Chris to pass
the maple syrup?
294
00:14:19,067 --> 00:14:22,732
Meg, could you tell Dad
that he's too fat to
need extra syrup?
295
00:14:22,801 --> 00:14:25,131
Lois, could you tell
Chris that I'm sorry
296
00:14:25,200 --> 00:14:27,899
I ever planted the
seed version of him
in your vagina?
297
00:14:27,968 --> 00:14:29,331
I want you two
to stop this.
298
00:14:29,400 --> 00:14:31,699
This is no way
for a father
and son to act.
299
00:14:31,767 --> 00:14:33,198
Well, according to him,
300
00:14:33,266 --> 00:14:35,332
that stupid monkey's
more of a father to him
than I am.
301
00:14:35,400 --> 00:14:37,932
He makes time for me,
and you never do!
302
00:14:38,001 --> 00:14:41,165
You're supposed to love me
and all you do is hurt me!
303
00:14:41,233 --> 00:14:44,098
This morning, I had
a hard poo that hurt,
but then it felt great.
304
00:14:44,167 --> 00:14:45,798
Meg, I'm trying to be
mad right now,
305
00:14:45,867 --> 00:14:47,699
but that's making me
want to smile.
306
00:14:52,801 --> 00:14:54,464
(LAUGHING EVILLY)
This'll get Chris.
307
00:14:56,001 --> 00:14:57,265
Hey, classmates.
308
00:14:57,334 --> 00:14:58,832
Griffin,
did you gain weight?
309
00:14:58,900 --> 00:15:00,098
That's not important.
310
00:15:00,167 --> 00:15:02,999
But you know
what is important?
I'm gay now.
311
00:15:03,067 --> 00:15:05,499
Let's all of us go be
gay somewhere together.
312
00:15:05,567 --> 00:15:07,132
And then you go
tell all your friends
313
00:15:07,201 --> 00:15:10,965
that I welcome them
to be gay with me, too,
because I am gay.
314
00:15:11,934 --> 00:15:13,099
I'll be gay with you.
315
00:15:13,167 --> 00:15:15,465
Oh, this is too perfect.
316
00:15:15,534 --> 00:15:18,465
Chris is gonna be so
gay by the end of this.
317
00:15:22,267 --> 00:15:23,299
What's this?
318
00:15:23,367 --> 00:15:27,398
(READING)
319
00:15:29,200 --> 00:15:30,531
Well, that's a no-brainer.
320
00:15:30,600 --> 00:15:33,965
Come on, you fat fuck.
Do it.
321
00:15:37,834 --> 00:15:39,131
(SCREAMING)
322
00:15:39,200 --> 00:15:40,799
(LAUGHING)
323
00:15:42,534 --> 00:15:45,598
Who's laughing now?
I got my hat.
324
00:15:50,034 --> 00:15:53,232
Hey, guys. I stopped
at Pinkberry and I got
some for everybody.
325
00:15:53,301 --> 00:15:55,298
Wow, thanks!
You're welcome.
326
00:15:55,366 --> 00:15:57,231
I gotta go put on my face
for press interviews.
327
00:15:57,300 --> 00:15:58,765
Stewie,
can you hand me
my cell phone?
328
00:15:58,834 --> 00:15:59,899
Oh, sure.
329
00:15:59,967 --> 00:16:01,165
(STATIC BUZZING)
330
00:16:01,234 --> 00:16:02,364
Thanks.
331
00:16:03,168 --> 00:16:04,531
That was weird.
332
00:16:04,600 --> 00:16:06,198
Did you hear that
when I was giving
her the phone?
333
00:16:06,266 --> 00:16:07,331
No.
334
00:16:07,400 --> 00:16:09,166
It was like
interference
or something.
335
00:16:09,734 --> 00:16:11,231
Wait a second!
336
00:16:18,968 --> 00:16:20,132
(BOTH GASPING)
337
00:16:22,567 --> 00:16:24,565
(BEEPING)
338
00:16:24,634 --> 00:16:27,432
Oh, my God!
She's an android!
339
00:16:27,500 --> 00:16:29,732
Miley Cyrus
is an android!
340
00:16:29,801 --> 00:16:32,998
Of course.
She's a product of
Disney Imagineering.
341
00:16:33,067 --> 00:16:35,265
They built a perfect
robot teen idol.
342
00:16:35,334 --> 00:16:37,565
Yes, assuring that
she could never fail.
343
00:16:37,634 --> 00:16:42,032
Like famous duelist,
Sir Henry "Giant Hole
in the Torso" Wickenshire.
344
00:16:43,334 --> 00:16:44,332
(GUNSHOT)
345
00:16:44,400 --> 00:16:45,765
Ah-ha!
Right through me!
346
00:16:45,834 --> 00:16:49,032
Prepare for returned fire,
Sir Joseph Broadfront.
347
00:16:49,101 --> 00:16:50,565
I give you
one last chance
348
00:16:50,633 --> 00:16:53,698
to rescind your
insult of calling
me a common dandy.
349
00:16:53,767 --> 00:16:54,966
Never!
350
00:16:55,901 --> 00:16:58,333
(POP MUSIC PLAYING)
351
00:17:00,834 --> 00:17:03,732
My God!
I can't believe
she's an android.
352
00:17:03,800 --> 00:17:06,066
Do you think we
should tell someone,
or do something?
353
00:17:06,134 --> 00:17:07,333
Well, we could
do something.
354
00:17:07,400 --> 00:17:09,032
Like what?
Well, look at her.
355
00:17:09,101 --> 00:17:11,665
She dances like a real girl.
She moves like a real girl.
356
00:17:11,734 --> 00:17:13,099
Yeah?
357
00:17:13,168 --> 00:17:15,732
Do you think she
does other stuff
like a real girl?
358
00:17:15,800 --> 00:17:17,299
You know, if you
reprogrammed her?
359
00:17:17,367 --> 00:17:18,932
Brian, that's sick.
She's 16!
360
00:17:19,001 --> 00:17:20,066
I'm eight.
361
00:17:20,134 --> 00:17:21,166
I don't know.
362
00:17:21,235 --> 00:17:22,832
You killed my brother.
You owe me.
363
00:17:22,901 --> 00:17:25,999
All right.
I'll see what I can do.
364
00:17:26,067 --> 00:17:28,132
Hey, Miley.
Oh, hi, Stewie.
365
00:17:28,200 --> 00:17:31,465
Hey, your shirt tag
is showing.
Let me just...
366
00:17:31,534 --> 00:17:32,865
(BEEPING)
367
00:17:34,134 --> 00:17:36,233
There we go.
All done.
368
00:17:36,300 --> 00:17:37,899
(SHORT-CIRCUITING)
369
00:17:39,834 --> 00:17:42,432
(DISTORTED)
Miley smash!
370
00:17:42,501 --> 00:17:44,266
(ROARING)
371
00:17:44,334 --> 00:17:46,665
Uh-oh. Hang on. Hang on.
Maybe I can fix this.
372
00:17:48,433 --> 00:17:50,364
Did you do it?
Did it work?
373
00:17:50,433 --> 00:17:52,032
You know,
give it a shot, Brian.
374
00:17:52,101 --> 00:17:55,564
But I have to warn you,
I think her vagina is
also a DVD burner.
375
00:17:58,034 --> 00:17:59,032
Run!
376
00:18:01,734 --> 00:18:02,999
ANNOUNCER ON TV:
We now return to
377
00:18:03,068 --> 00:18:05,331
Great Moments
in Women's
Stand-Up Comedy.
378
00:18:09,334 --> 00:18:12,365
Sorry to interrupt
nothing,
379
00:18:12,434 --> 00:18:14,398
but, Monkey,
do you think
you could help me?
380
00:18:14,467 --> 00:18:17,999
I just can't stand Peter
and Chris being at each
other's throats anymore.
381
00:18:18,067 --> 00:18:19,565
Of course, Lois.
382
00:18:19,634 --> 00:18:21,332
I'm sure if we can
just get them in the
same room together,
383
00:18:21,401 --> 00:18:23,165
I can convince them
to talk it out.
384
00:18:23,234 --> 00:18:25,765
Why don't you
invite Peter to lunch,
and I'll invite Chris,
385
00:18:25,834 --> 00:18:27,265
and we'll see
what we can do.
386
00:18:27,334 --> 00:18:28,765
Thank you.
I really
appreciate it.
387
00:18:35,734 --> 00:18:38,199
What the hell are you
doing here? I thought
I was meeting Lois.
388
00:18:38,267 --> 00:18:41,331
She wanted me to talk
to you guys about the way
you've been behaving.
389
00:18:41,400 --> 00:18:43,598
Look, Monkey,
Chris is being a jerk,
all right?
390
00:18:43,667 --> 00:18:44,932
And there is nothing
you can say
391
00:18:45,001 --> 00:18:46,731
that will make me
change my mind
about that.
392
00:18:46,801 --> 00:18:48,498
Peter, you're
acting bananas.
393
00:18:48,566 --> 00:18:50,398
(LAUGHING)
All right, I'll listen.
394
00:18:50,467 --> 00:18:52,133
You're both good guys.
395
00:18:52,201 --> 00:18:54,732
And that's why
it's important for you to
reconcile your differences.
396
00:18:54,801 --> 00:18:56,331
I wasn't
able to do that,
397
00:18:56,400 --> 00:18:59,166
and that's why I wound up
living in a closet
for nine years.
398
00:18:59,235 --> 00:19:00,898
Chris, I know
you're angry,
399
00:19:00,967 --> 00:19:02,832
but do you really
hate your father?
400
00:19:02,900 --> 00:19:05,365
No. I just think
he's a douche.
401
00:19:05,434 --> 00:19:06,832
Sometimes he is.
402
00:19:06,901 --> 00:19:09,832
And, Peter, do you
really hate your son?
403
00:19:09,901 --> 00:19:12,866
No. But sometimes
he's such
a little fat jerk!
404
00:19:12,934 --> 00:19:15,599
Well, it's only because
you never have any time
for me!
405
00:19:15,667 --> 00:19:19,299
Peter, do you think
you could make a little
more time for your son?
406
00:19:19,368 --> 00:19:21,099
Yeah, I guess so.
407
00:19:21,167 --> 00:19:23,998
(SCREAMING)
408
00:19:24,067 --> 00:19:25,265
What the hell
was that about?
409
00:19:25,333 --> 00:19:26,965
Was that
Stewie and Brian?
410
00:19:27,034 --> 00:19:28,432
(MILEY ROARING)
411
00:19:28,500 --> 00:19:30,065
(ALL SCREAMING)
412
00:19:33,734 --> 00:19:35,332
(GROWLING)
413
00:19:41,667 --> 00:19:42,998
(ROARING)
414
00:19:44,034 --> 00:19:45,665
(GASPING)
It's Miley Cyrus,
415
00:19:45,733 --> 00:19:47,632
and she's
destroying the city!
416
00:19:47,701 --> 00:19:49,065
Oh, my God!
417
00:19:50,368 --> 00:19:52,732
Miss Cyrus, I ask you
to stop what you're doing.
418
00:19:52,800 --> 00:19:54,631
I don't just mean this.
I mean everything.
419
00:19:54,700 --> 00:19:57,565
The show, the music,
it's all just awful.
420
00:19:57,633 --> 00:19:58,966
(GROWLING)
421
00:20:00,068 --> 00:20:01,065
(SCREAMING)
422
00:20:05,900 --> 00:20:08,631
Dad, we gotta help him!
Do something!
423
00:20:08,700 --> 00:20:09,965
What am I
supposed to do?
424
00:20:10,034 --> 00:20:12,599
You're my dad!
Think of something!
425
00:20:15,867 --> 00:20:17,432
(BEEPING)
426
00:20:17,501 --> 00:20:22,266
Quagmire,
fire up the biplane.
My son needs my help.
427
00:20:34,001 --> 00:20:35,799
(ROARING)
428
00:20:42,434 --> 00:20:45,498
All right, Peter.
We're closing in.
Get ready to fire.
429
00:20:46,234 --> 00:20:48,298
(EXCLAIMING)
430
00:20:48,367 --> 00:20:51,232
Giggity Giggity Giggity
Giggity Giggity Giggity
Giggity Giggity Giggity!
431
00:20:55,601 --> 00:20:57,399
(MONKEY SCREAMING)
432
00:21:02,467 --> 00:21:04,099
(ROARING)
433
00:21:18,667 --> 00:21:20,132
(ENGINE SPUTTERING)
434
00:21:56,400 --> 00:21:58,032
(ROARING)
435
00:22:01,801 --> 00:22:03,765
Monkey, grab my hand!
436
00:22:09,000 --> 00:22:10,531
(SCREAMING)
437
00:22:26,433 --> 00:22:27,832
(BEEPING)
438
00:22:31,034 --> 00:22:32,499
Well, the airplane got her.
439
00:22:32,567 --> 00:22:34,832
Oh, no.
It wasn't the airplane.
440
00:22:34,901 --> 00:22:38,132
'Twas Beauty
killed the Beast.
441
00:22:38,200 --> 00:22:40,465
You know, Brian,
here's your shot.
Go for it.
442
00:22:42,233 --> 00:22:43,866
Too late.
443
00:22:43,934 --> 00:22:45,098
No, it's not.
444
00:22:48,934 --> 00:22:50,565
Thanks for everything,
Monkey.
445
00:22:50,633 --> 00:22:53,932
You made me realize
how much Chris
really means to me.
446
00:22:54,001 --> 00:22:56,932
And how I should always
remember not to take him
for granted.
447
00:22:57,001 --> 00:23:00,299
Well, sometimes all
anybody needs is a little
bit of a wake-up call.
448
00:23:00,368 --> 00:23:03,765
And now that you two
are getting along again,
my work here is done.
449
00:23:03,834 --> 00:23:05,266
Guess I'll be
moving on now.
450
00:23:05,334 --> 00:23:06,966
You have to leave?
451
00:23:07,034 --> 00:23:10,099
But I thought you were
gonna go back to living
in my closet again.
452
00:23:10,167 --> 00:23:12,431
I think that time of
my life is over, Chris.
453
00:23:12,500 --> 00:23:14,231
But I'll always
remember you.
454
00:23:16,867 --> 00:23:19,099
But where
will you go?
455
00:23:19,168 --> 00:23:20,731
I'll go
where I'm needed.
456
00:23:27,368 --> 00:23:30,099
Dad! There's an evil
monkey in my closet!
457
00:23:30,167 --> 00:23:32,799
TOM: I don't care, Son.
I just do not care.
458
00:24:09,500 --> 00:24:10,532
English - US - Line 21