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00:00:02,967 --> 00:00:06,032
♪ It seems today
that all you see
2
00:00:06,101 --> 00:00:09,264
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
3
00:00:09,333 --> 00:00:12,965
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values
4
00:00:13,034 --> 00:00:16,065
♪ On which we used to rely?
5
00:00:16,134 --> 00:00:19,265
♪ Lucky there's a family guy
6
00:00:19,333 --> 00:00:22,698
♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do
7
00:00:22,767 --> 00:00:24,231
♪ All the things
that make us
8
00:00:24,300 --> 00:00:25,999
♪ Laugh and cry
9
00:00:26,067 --> 00:00:30,765
♪ He's a family guy ♪
10
00:00:36,567 --> 00:00:37,631
How's the garage sale
going, Quagmire?
11
00:00:37,700 --> 00:00:39,065
Pretty good.
12
00:00:39,133 --> 00:00:40,731
Just clearing
some of my stuff out
of the basement.
13
00:00:40,800 --> 00:00:42,032
It's amazing what you find
when you clean your basement.
14
00:00:43,700 --> 00:00:45,698
Peter, you almost
done down there?
15
00:00:45,767 --> 00:00:47,198
(CACKLING)
16
00:00:47,267 --> 00:00:48,731
Look what I found.
17
00:00:48,800 --> 00:00:50,298
That's wonderful, Peter.
18
00:00:50,367 --> 00:00:52,498
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna go do
some skywriting.
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00:00:59,466 --> 00:01:00,899
(LAUGHING EVILLY)
20
00:01:03,101 --> 00:01:05,565
Hey, look at all these videos
Mr. Quagmire's selling.
21
00:01:05,634 --> 00:01:08,632
Wow! The Best of the World's
Wildest Police Chases.
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00:01:08,700 --> 00:01:11,065
(GASPING) And it even
has the one with
the Flintstones.
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00:01:13,134 --> 00:01:14,431
(SIRENS WAILING)
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00:01:14,500 --> 00:01:16,066
NARRATOR: Amazingly,
this drunk driver
25
00:01:16,134 --> 00:01:18,333
turns left into
oncoming traffic.
26
00:01:18,400 --> 00:01:20,565
He narrowly misses
hitting a pedestrian,
27
00:01:20,633 --> 00:01:22,999
who jumps
out of the way
just in time.
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00:01:23,068 --> 00:01:26,698
Now the driver can add
attempted battery
to the charges.
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00:01:26,767 --> 00:01:31,631
The driver turns right
into the parking lot
of a drive-in movie theater.
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At this point,
the dinosaur
in the backseat
31
00:01:34,734 --> 00:01:36,365
pokes his head up
through the roof
32
00:01:36,433 --> 00:01:39,999
and the driver places
two small children
on top of it.
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00:01:40,068 --> 00:01:45,398
Now he's not only
endangering his own life,
but their lives as well.
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00:01:45,467 --> 00:01:48,498
The driver totals the car
and makes a run for it,
35
00:01:48,567 --> 00:01:51,498
but the pursuing officers
are prepared.
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00:01:51,567 --> 00:01:56,665
Running from the cops?
Yabba-dabba-don't!
37
00:01:56,733 --> 00:01:59,399
Hey, Quagmire, I think
I might want to buy
this ham radio off you.
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00:01:59,467 --> 00:02:00,898
Sure, Peter.
That'll be $50.
39
00:02:00,968 --> 00:02:03,932
Fifty bucks?
All right, fine.
I'll buy it.
40
00:02:04,001 --> 00:02:06,532
Man, this is a bigger
rip-off than Shrunky Dinks!
41
00:02:07,801 --> 00:02:09,166
They already
been shrunk.
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00:02:09,235 --> 00:02:10,531
Happy Birthmas.
43
00:02:14,233 --> 00:02:15,632
(STATIC ON RADIO)
44
00:02:17,200 --> 00:02:20,032
Peter, you've been
fiddling with that
ham radio for seven weeks.
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00:02:20,101 --> 00:02:21,498
Take a shower.
46
00:02:21,567 --> 00:02:23,732
I can barely
get any reception
on this stupid thing.
47
00:02:23,801 --> 00:02:25,399
So far,
the only station
that comes in
48
00:02:25,467 --> 00:02:28,732
is some British guys
reading news from places
I'm not sure exist.
49
00:02:28,801 --> 00:02:30,365
NEWSCASTER: Today,
in Kuzikistan,
50
00:02:30,434 --> 00:02:32,565
a peaceful demonstration
turned to bloodshed
51
00:02:32,634 --> 00:02:35,732
as members
of the Turzili tribe
flooded Kenpao Square
52
00:02:35,801 --> 00:02:39,498
in remembrance
of the third anniversary
of the Holmsburg Massacre.
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00:02:39,567 --> 00:02:42,598
But finally, some good news
out of neighboring Kanduzi,
54
00:02:42,667 --> 00:02:44,865
as locals there
have reached
an uneasy alliance
55
00:02:44,934 --> 00:02:47,598
with the bordering
Trolika Bubsie Wubsie Dal.
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00:02:47,667 --> 00:02:50,365
And now with sports,
here's Framptal Tromwibbler.
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00:02:50,434 --> 00:02:52,299
FRAMPTAL TROMWIBBLER:
From the world of sport,
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00:02:52,367 --> 00:02:55,432
the Contein Spinky Whompers
flumped the
Floing Boing Welfenclumpers,
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00:02:55,500 --> 00:02:57,632
70 fluff to 40 flabe.
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00:02:57,700 --> 00:03:00,232
At the tone, the time
will be 26 railroad.
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00:03:00,301 --> 00:03:01,399
(TONE SOUNDING)
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00:03:01,467 --> 00:03:02,966
I'm not sure
about any of that.
63
00:03:03,034 --> 00:03:05,298
You know, Dad,
I saw that movie
White Noise,
64
00:03:05,366 --> 00:03:09,464
and they said you can
use empty radio static
to talk to dead people.
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00:03:09,533 --> 00:03:12,066
You idiot.
Ghosts don't exist.
Wait a second, they might.
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00:03:14,567 --> 00:03:15,698
(STATIC)
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00:03:15,767 --> 00:03:19,299
Hello, ghosts.
Come in, ghosts.
68
00:03:19,368 --> 00:03:24,565
I am Peter Griffin.
I am your friend.
Don't be shy.
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00:03:24,634 --> 00:03:27,366
Humphrey Bogart.
Don Knotts.
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00:03:27,434 --> 00:03:29,899
That kid I was supposed
to be watching at the pool.
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00:03:30,534 --> 00:03:31,532
Hello?
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00:03:31,601 --> 00:03:32,832
REAGAN: Hello.
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00:03:32,901 --> 00:03:34,099
Hello? Who's this?
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00:03:34,167 --> 00:03:35,699
This is Ronald Reagan.
75
00:03:35,767 --> 00:03:39,065
Ronald Reagan?
The guy that used to bang
that 70-pound witch?
76
00:03:39,134 --> 00:03:42,099
Ronald Reagan,
former president
of the United States.
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00:03:42,167 --> 00:03:43,232
Oh, my God!
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00:03:46,034 --> 00:03:48,665
Hey, Quagmire, guess who
I'm talking to right now?
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00:03:49,534 --> 00:03:50,565
Yup.
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00:03:54,233 --> 00:03:56,066
Brian, will you take me
down to babyGap?
81
00:03:56,134 --> 00:03:57,899
I want to dress
like a small douche.
82
00:03:57,967 --> 00:03:59,431
No. Maybe tomorrow
or Tuesday.
83
00:03:59,500 --> 00:04:00,899
But you said
you'd do it today.
84
00:04:00,968 --> 00:04:02,365
I'm kind of tired.
85
00:04:02,434 --> 00:04:04,932
For God's sake.
Cancel my Tuesday
appointments.
86
00:04:05,001 --> 00:04:07,866
Sure thing, Stewie.
You want me to move it
to another day?
87
00:04:07,934 --> 00:04:08,932
No, no.
Just cancel it.
88
00:04:09,001 --> 00:04:10,165
Okay, will do.
89
00:04:11,233 --> 00:04:12,832
Who the hell was that?
Hmm?
90
00:04:12,901 --> 00:04:14,365
There was another
Stewie right there.
91
00:04:14,434 --> 00:04:16,499
Oh, yeah. Well,
you know, I've been
so damn busy lately,
92
00:04:16,567 --> 00:04:18,198
my schedule's been
so packed, I felt like
93
00:04:18,267 --> 00:04:19,865
I needed some
kind of
an errand boy
94
00:04:19,934 --> 00:04:23,431
to do all my nitpicky,
pain-in-the-ass stuff,
so I cloned myself.
95
00:04:23,500 --> 00:04:25,498
You... You cloned
yourself?
96
00:04:25,567 --> 00:04:26,732
What, are you deaf?
What...
97
00:04:26,800 --> 00:04:28,332
So he's an exact
copy of you?
98
00:04:28,400 --> 00:04:29,798
Well, not exact.
99
00:04:29,867 --> 00:04:32,365
I have to remain superior,
so I bred out some
of the intelligence,
100
00:04:32,434 --> 00:04:34,165
made him sort of
a simpleton, you know?
101
00:04:34,234 --> 00:04:38,032
I call him Bitch Stewie.
Would you like to meet him?
102
00:04:39,201 --> 00:04:40,898
Would you like to
meet Bitch Stewie?
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00:04:40,967 --> 00:04:42,898
Yeah. I guess.
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00:04:42,967 --> 00:04:45,732
Bitch Stewie,
come here and meet
my friend, Brian.
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00:04:45,800 --> 00:04:48,632
Hey there, Stewie.
Oh! What's that?
You got a friend?
106
00:04:48,701 --> 00:04:50,932
I'm always happy to meet
one of your friends.
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00:04:51,000 --> 00:04:51,998
Dear God.
108
00:04:52,067 --> 00:04:53,065
How do you do?
Pleased to meet you.
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00:04:53,134 --> 00:04:54,165
I'm Bitch Stewie.
110
00:04:54,234 --> 00:04:55,665
He's got quite a grip.
111
00:04:55,734 --> 00:04:58,532
Hey, Bitch Stewie.
Why are there no
midget accountants?
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00:04:58,601 --> 00:05:00,498
Because they always
come up short.
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00:05:00,567 --> 00:05:01,998
(LAUGHING)
114
00:05:02,067 --> 00:05:03,932
Another good one,
Stewie.
115
00:05:04,001 --> 00:05:05,832
I don't know where
you come up with them.
116
00:05:05,901 --> 00:05:06,999
Isn't he wonderful?
117
00:05:07,067 --> 00:05:09,531
And all I have to feed him
is a crude peanut paste.
118
00:05:09,600 --> 00:05:10,632
Watch this.
119
00:05:11,567 --> 00:05:13,965
(EXCLAIMING HAPPILY)
120
00:05:14,034 --> 00:05:15,165
It's not much,
but it's healthier
121
00:05:15,234 --> 00:05:16,898
than what people
ate in the '50s.
122
00:05:16,967 --> 00:05:18,398
Steak and donut
sandwich, please.
123
00:05:18,467 --> 00:05:19,865
You want cigarettes
on that sandwich?
124
00:05:19,934 --> 00:05:22,132
What do I look like, a Mary?
Yes, I want cigarettes.
125
00:05:25,734 --> 00:05:29,032
Okay, next up on the stage,
let's have a big
karaoke welcome
126
00:05:29,101 --> 00:05:30,499
for Peter and Ron!
127
00:05:30,567 --> 00:05:32,298
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
128
00:05:32,367 --> 00:05:34,099
Okay, this is one
of our favorites.
129
00:05:34,167 --> 00:05:35,698
Hope it's one of yours.
130
00:05:35,767 --> 00:05:37,599
(DON'T GO BREAKING MY HEART
PLAYING)
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00:05:42,833 --> 00:05:44,899
♪ Don't go breaking
my heart
132
00:05:46,001 --> 00:05:47,231
(HIGH-PITCHED FEEDBACK)
133
00:05:47,300 --> 00:05:50,099
REAGAN: ♪ I couldn't
if I tried
134
00:05:50,167 --> 00:05:53,832
♪ Oh, honey,
if I get restless...
135
00:05:53,901 --> 00:05:55,199
(HIGH-PITCHED FEEDBACK)
136
00:05:55,268 --> 00:05:57,465
REAGAN: ♪ Baby,
you're not that kind
137
00:05:59,334 --> 00:06:01,398
♪ Don't go breaking
my heart
138
00:06:02,767 --> 00:06:04,132
(HIGH-PITCHED FEEDBACK)
139
00:06:04,201 --> 00:06:06,632
REAGAN: ♪ You take
the weight off of me
140
00:06:06,701 --> 00:06:10,165
♪ Oh, honey, when I
knock on your door...
141
00:06:10,234 --> 00:06:11,265
(HIGH-PITCHED FEEDBACK)
142
00:06:11,334 --> 00:06:13,032
♪ Oh, I give you my... ♪
143
00:06:17,300 --> 00:06:19,331
Oh, sorry. I didn't realize
somebody was in here...
144
00:06:19,400 --> 00:06:20,631
What the hell?
145
00:06:21,600 --> 00:06:22,599
Oh, hello, Brian.
146
00:06:22,667 --> 00:06:24,265
Oh, there's your
friend, Brian.
147
00:06:24,334 --> 00:06:27,965
Hey, Brian.
I sure did enjoy talking
to you the other day.
148
00:06:28,034 --> 00:06:30,298
I'm just making sure
Stewie is nice and clean
149
00:06:30,367 --> 00:06:32,565
for his trip
to the playground
this afternoon.
150
00:06:32,634 --> 00:06:34,066
We had a little bit
of a problem earlier
151
00:06:34,134 --> 00:06:36,999
because Bitch Stewie
was stooling in the tub,
wasn't he?
152
00:06:37,068 --> 00:06:39,899
I did some poos.
I did some poos.
I didn't mean to.
153
00:06:39,968 --> 00:06:42,165
But we've
rectified that now
and everything's fine.
154
00:06:42,234 --> 00:06:43,899
This is really weird.
155
00:06:43,968 --> 00:06:45,932
I mean, it's one thing
to have him help you out
with a busy schedule.
156
00:06:46,001 --> 00:06:47,765
It's another thing
to let him wash your back.
157
00:06:47,834 --> 00:06:49,399
Well, he does more
than that, Brian.
158
00:06:49,467 --> 00:06:51,232
Bitch Stewie,
give me a bubble beard.
159
00:06:53,100 --> 00:06:55,399
Look at me.
I'm George Bernard Shaw.
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00:06:55,467 --> 00:06:56,498
(LAUGHING)
161
00:06:56,567 --> 00:06:58,265
That's awful funny,
Stewie.
162
00:06:58,334 --> 00:07:00,365
I don't know who
George Bernard Shaw is,
163
00:07:00,434 --> 00:07:02,932
but you look like
an old Stewie, Stewie.
164
00:07:03,001 --> 00:07:05,364
Enjoy your
weird bath.
165
00:07:05,433 --> 00:07:08,966
I told him
I did the poos even though
you did the poos, Stewie.
166
00:07:09,034 --> 00:07:10,299
Did I do good, Stewie?
167
00:07:10,368 --> 00:07:12,532
That was very correct
of you, Bitch Stewie.
168
00:07:12,601 --> 00:07:13,765
You're a good helper.
169
00:07:18,400 --> 00:07:22,265
REAGAN: And what a lot
of people don't know is that
I was Jane Wyman's first.
170
00:07:22,333 --> 00:07:24,498
You might say
I broke her
Jane Wyman.
171
00:07:24,567 --> 00:07:26,133
(LAUGHING)
172
00:07:26,201 --> 00:07:27,899
Reagan is a delight.
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00:07:27,968 --> 00:07:29,632
He sure is.
And you know
what else?
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00:07:29,700 --> 00:07:32,899
The ghost of Reagan
is gonna be the new
fourth guy in our group.
175
00:07:32,968 --> 00:07:35,665
I'm all for that!
What other stories
you got, Reagan?
176
00:07:35,734 --> 00:07:39,498
REAGAN: Well, I remember
the time I invited Ed Sullivan
to the White House.
177
00:07:39,567 --> 00:07:41,532
He sounded a little
something like this.
178
00:07:41,600 --> 00:07:42,832
(MIMICKING ED SULLIVAN)
Hey, Ron.
179
00:07:42,901 --> 00:07:45,232
Tonight, we got
a really big show.
180
00:07:45,301 --> 00:07:46,665
Reagan does
impressions.
181
00:07:46,734 --> 00:07:48,265
REAGAN: That's right.
182
00:07:48,334 --> 00:07:50,598
And you know who else does
impressions? Rich Little.
183
00:07:50,667 --> 00:07:53,498
In fact,
you ought to go see his show
at the Mohegan Sun casino
184
00:07:53,567 --> 00:07:56,332
next Saturday
at 3:00 p.m.
and 5:00 p.m.
185
00:07:56,401 --> 00:07:57,965
Wait a second.
186
00:07:58,034 --> 00:07:59,899
Yeah, no shit.
What?
187
00:07:59,967 --> 00:08:01,365
Peter, that's not
Ronald Reagan.
188
00:08:01,434 --> 00:08:03,466
That's Rich Little.
You're Rich Little!
189
00:08:03,534 --> 00:08:05,732
He must be on
his own ham radio.
190
00:08:05,801 --> 00:08:07,365
LITTLE: Well, you know, Ed,
191
00:08:07,433 --> 00:08:10,599
the kids say you got
to go viral to promote
yourself these days.
192
00:08:10,667 --> 00:08:12,065
So, this is not Reagan?
193
00:08:12,134 --> 00:08:13,932
No, it's Rich Little.
He's an impressionist.
194
00:08:14,000 --> 00:08:15,398
He's been screwing
with your head.
195
00:08:15,467 --> 00:08:16,532
Well, this thing
is worthless.
196
00:08:16,600 --> 00:08:17,632
Like my Palestinian
alarm clock.
197
00:08:21,034 --> 00:08:22,364
CLOCK: Allahu Akbar!
198
00:08:29,634 --> 00:08:31,498
Hey, Peter.
What's up?
Hey, Quagmire.
199
00:08:31,567 --> 00:08:34,099
Listen, I'm here
to get my money back
for that ham radio.
200
00:08:34,168 --> 00:08:37,133
Whoa, whoa,
slow down there, partner.
All sales are final.
201
00:08:37,201 --> 00:08:39,766
Yeah, but you were
Agamemnon with me
during the sale.
202
00:08:39,834 --> 00:08:41,265
What?
I just saw that
word somewhere.
203
00:08:41,333 --> 00:08:42,632
I wanted to use it.
204
00:08:42,700 --> 00:08:44,932
Look, Peter,
why don't you just go home
before you get hurt?
205
00:08:45,001 --> 00:08:46,398
Well, I'm clearly
not the only one
206
00:08:46,467 --> 00:08:48,231
who was dissatisfied
with his purchase.
207
00:08:48,300 --> 00:08:50,899
Whoever bought that
baby from you obviously
didn't want it.
208
00:08:50,968 --> 00:08:53,032
A baby?
I didn't sell a baby.
209
00:08:55,867 --> 00:08:57,999
Look, there's a note.
210
00:08:58,067 --> 00:09:02,498
"Glenn, this is your child.
Next time wear
a condom, jerk."
211
00:09:02,567 --> 00:09:03,565
Oh, my God!
212
00:09:03,634 --> 00:09:05,331
Wait. Now,
hang on, Quagmire.
213
00:09:05,400 --> 00:09:07,265
There's no guarantee
it's your baby.
214
00:09:07,334 --> 00:09:08,332
Giggity.
215
00:09:08,934 --> 00:09:10,965
Oh, I say that.
216
00:09:19,134 --> 00:09:21,099
Well, the DNA test
results are back.
217
00:09:21,167 --> 00:09:23,999
This little girl
is definitely
your baby, Quagmire.
218
00:09:24,067 --> 00:09:26,398
What am I supposed to do?
I don't want a baby.
219
00:09:26,467 --> 00:09:28,166
Look, somebody's
got to take this
kid off my hands.
220
00:09:28,235 --> 00:09:29,531
I can't be a father.
221
00:09:29,600 --> 00:09:31,265
Well, Glenn,
you don't
have a choice.
222
00:09:31,333 --> 00:09:33,698
This baby is your
responsibility.
223
00:09:33,768 --> 00:09:36,099
Now, I brought you
a basket of things
to get you started.
224
00:09:36,168 --> 00:09:39,199
There's baby clothes,
some toys, and some books.
225
00:09:39,267 --> 00:09:40,265
Now, if you have
any questions,
226
00:09:40,333 --> 00:09:41,565
we're right
across the street.
227
00:09:47,367 --> 00:09:49,832
Hey, what's going on?
228
00:09:51,867 --> 00:09:53,998
I'm not really sure
what I'm supposed
to do with you.
229
00:09:55,434 --> 00:09:58,298
There's some
frozen steaks
in the freezer.
230
00:09:58,367 --> 00:10:00,698
Bathroom's
down the hall
to the right.
231
00:10:00,767 --> 00:10:02,865
If you ever come home
and there's a tie
on the door,
232
00:10:02,934 --> 00:10:04,099
it means
I'm frogging someone,
233
00:10:04,167 --> 00:10:06,832
so give me at least
a couple hours.
234
00:10:08,300 --> 00:10:09,366
You smoke?
235
00:10:14,967 --> 00:10:16,498
Stewie,
what are you
doing here?
236
00:10:16,567 --> 00:10:18,298
I thought you were
going to Bobby Stalling's
birthday party.
237
00:10:18,367 --> 00:10:21,498
I hate that kid.
And I hate children's
birthday parties.
238
00:10:21,567 --> 00:10:23,098
I sent Bitch Stewie
in my place.
239
00:10:26,134 --> 00:10:28,431
What a great
little party, Janet.
240
00:10:28,500 --> 00:10:32,865
You know, I've never
seen Stewie come out
of his shell so much.
241
00:10:32,934 --> 00:10:37,231
Oh, no. It's not on his tail.
It's on his face.
I've ruined it.
242
00:10:37,300 --> 00:10:39,565
Oh, no. Well,
that's okay, though.
243
00:10:39,634 --> 00:10:41,899
Somebody else
will come along
and get it right.
244
00:10:41,967 --> 00:10:44,032
Thanks for coming
to my birthday party, Stewie.
245
00:10:44,100 --> 00:10:45,799
I wouldn't have
missed it for anything.
246
00:10:45,867 --> 00:10:47,932
I've never been
to a party before.
247
00:10:48,000 --> 00:10:49,632
Want to watch me
blow out the candles?
248
00:10:49,700 --> 00:10:51,399
I would love
to see that.
249
00:10:51,467 --> 00:10:52,799
And gosh, Bobby,
250
00:10:52,867 --> 00:10:54,865
I'd love to play
with some of your
birthday toys,
251
00:10:54,934 --> 00:10:56,265
but only after
you've played
with them
252
00:10:56,334 --> 00:10:58,432
and only if you
say it's okay.
253
00:10:58,500 --> 00:10:59,665
You know, Stewie,
I've got to say
254
00:10:59,733 --> 00:11:01,366
that clone of yours
has come in pretty handy.
255
00:11:01,435 --> 00:11:03,698
It's a lifesaver,
Brian, I'll tell you.
256
00:11:03,767 --> 00:11:05,632
I don't suppose
you'd consider
257
00:11:05,700 --> 00:11:07,565
making one of those
for me, would you?
258
00:11:07,634 --> 00:11:11,165
(LAUGHING) Maybe.
What would you be
willing to do for me?
259
00:11:11,234 --> 00:11:12,698
What do you want?
260
00:11:12,767 --> 00:11:15,332
Take your index finger
and your thumb
261
00:11:15,401 --> 00:11:17,465
and lightly grip
the base of your tail.
262
00:11:17,534 --> 00:11:18,999
What?
263
00:11:19,067 --> 00:11:20,999
Lightly grip
the base of your tail
264
00:11:21,067 --> 00:11:23,499
with your index finger
and your thumb,
265
00:11:23,567 --> 00:11:27,499
and then slide your fingers
up the length of your tail
to the tip.
266
00:11:27,934 --> 00:11:28,965
Why?
267
00:11:29,034 --> 00:11:30,598
Because that's what
I asked you to do.
268
00:11:30,667 --> 00:11:33,032
That's kind of weird.
Is this some kind
of sexual thing?
269
00:11:33,100 --> 00:11:34,665
Nobody said
anything
about sexual.
270
00:11:34,734 --> 00:11:36,065
There's nothing
sexual about it.
271
00:11:36,134 --> 00:11:38,865
I'm just asking you
to perform a simple task.
272
00:11:38,934 --> 00:11:41,598
Take your index finger
and your thumb
273
00:11:41,667 --> 00:11:44,299
and lightly grip
the base of your tail,
274
00:11:44,368 --> 00:11:47,598
and run your fingers along
the length of your tail.
275
00:11:47,667 --> 00:11:48,665
You mean stroke it?
276
00:11:48,733 --> 00:11:49,731
Nobody used that word.
277
00:11:49,800 --> 00:11:51,299
This is not
a stroking motion.
278
00:11:51,368 --> 00:11:54,399
This is a completely
nonsexual thing
I am asking you to do
279
00:11:54,467 --> 00:11:56,898
in a completely
nonsexual way.
280
00:11:56,968 --> 00:11:59,032
Squeeze the base
of the tail lightly
281
00:11:59,101 --> 00:12:01,366
with your thumb
and index finger.
282
00:12:01,435 --> 00:12:04,465
And then, while
continuing to squeeze,
283
00:12:04,534 --> 00:12:07,832
run them up the length
of your tail to the tip,
284
00:12:07,901 --> 00:12:10,132
and I'll make you
a clone.
285
00:12:10,200 --> 00:12:11,332
I only have
to do it once?
286
00:12:11,401 --> 00:12:12,865
I'll tell you
when to stop.
287
00:12:16,834 --> 00:12:19,665
(CHUCKLES) I don't know
why you're stopping.
Nobody told you to stop.
288
00:12:22,667 --> 00:12:24,999
Give me a little smile.
289
00:12:25,067 --> 00:12:27,798
Your lips look a little dry.
Why don't you wet
them a little bit?
290
00:12:30,100 --> 00:12:31,698
(LAUGHING)
291
00:12:31,767 --> 00:12:35,899
My God, you're so weird!
All right, I'll make you
a clone, buddy.
292
00:12:39,334 --> 00:12:41,999
She's a beautiful
little girl, Glenn.
293
00:12:42,068 --> 00:12:43,398
Have you given
her a name yet?
294
00:12:43,466 --> 00:12:44,865
Yeah, I named her
Anna Lee,
295
00:12:44,934 --> 00:12:46,665
but I'm probably
just gonna call her
Annal for short.
296
00:12:46,734 --> 00:12:47,832
That's funny.
Thank you.
297
00:12:47,900 --> 00:12:49,465
Anyway, thanks
for all the baby stuff.
298
00:12:49,534 --> 00:12:51,066
What's that big
tarp over there?
299
00:12:51,134 --> 00:12:53,599
That was Chris's blankie
from when he was a baby.
300
00:12:53,667 --> 00:12:55,032
Yeah. He was a big kid.
301
00:12:55,101 --> 00:12:57,165
Almost split Lois in half
coming out of her.
302
00:12:57,234 --> 00:12:58,732
It's true.
303
00:12:58,801 --> 00:13:00,899
I never mention this
because I don't
want him to feel bad,
304
00:13:00,967 --> 00:13:03,731
but after he was born,
they had to rearrange
most of my organs.
305
00:13:03,800 --> 00:13:06,099
Oh, yeah,
he dragged half of Lois
right out with him.
306
00:13:06,168 --> 00:13:08,565
Yeah, the doctor
said I'll be lucky
if I live past 50,
307
00:13:08,633 --> 00:13:12,166
but Chris is healthy
and I thank God for that.
308
00:13:12,234 --> 00:13:15,364
Anyway, isn't this
a beautiful little girl?
309
00:13:15,433 --> 00:13:17,032
Yeah, but she
kind of stinks.
310
00:13:17,101 --> 00:13:19,331
Well, no wonder.
She's pooped herself.
311
00:13:19,400 --> 00:13:21,198
Ew! It's new
car smell.
312
00:13:21,266 --> 00:13:22,631
What?
313
00:13:22,701 --> 00:13:24,631
That's what a new
car smells like.
It's disgusting.
314
00:13:24,701 --> 00:13:26,398
Where are you
buying your cars,
Quagmire?
315
00:13:26,466 --> 00:13:28,531
I buy them online
at poopcars.com.
316
00:13:28,600 --> 00:13:29,865
Okay, well, I think
I just solved the mystery.
317
00:13:35,166 --> 00:13:38,298
Oh, there you are, Brian.
All right, you ready
to meet your clone?
318
00:13:38,366 --> 00:13:41,398
Am I ever.
I've got a to-do list
three pages long for him.
319
00:13:41,467 --> 00:13:44,966
Okay. Now, I want to
qualify this by reminding
you that as with my clone,
320
00:13:45,034 --> 00:13:46,966
the intelligence level
is reduced a bit.
321
00:13:47,034 --> 00:13:48,632
That's good.
We don't want him
thinking too much.
322
00:13:48,701 --> 00:13:50,465
Yeah, well, I might
have dialed yours back
323
00:13:50,533 --> 00:13:52,264
a little more than
I ought to have.
324
00:13:52,333 --> 00:13:53,331
What do you mean?
325
00:13:53,400 --> 00:13:54,732
Brian, meet
Bitch Brian.
326
00:13:54,801 --> 00:13:58,665
Hi, Brian. You got some stuff
you want me to do for you?
327
00:13:58,734 --> 00:13:59,765
Oh, my God.
328
00:13:59,834 --> 00:14:01,665
Yeah, that's kind
of what I said, too.
329
00:14:01,734 --> 00:14:04,032
You know, I'll be
honest with you, Brian.
Here's what happened.
330
00:14:04,101 --> 00:14:05,399
I didn't really
want to do the work,
331
00:14:05,467 --> 00:14:07,498
so Bitch Stewie
sort of did it.
332
00:14:07,567 --> 00:14:09,698
Hey, Stewie.
How'd the clone
turn out?
333
00:14:09,767 --> 00:14:12,431
Brian, I can't go
to the bathroom
by myself.
334
00:14:12,500 --> 00:14:15,098
Will you please help me?
But I'm good at other stuff.
335
00:14:18,200 --> 00:14:19,432
(DOORBELL RINGING)
336
00:14:21,700 --> 00:14:22,765
Hello, Candy.
337
00:14:22,834 --> 00:14:23,866
Hi, Glenn.
338
00:14:23,934 --> 00:14:25,032
Come on in.
339
00:14:28,901 --> 00:14:30,698
(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)
340
00:14:57,734 --> 00:14:59,065
So, how long you been
in beauty school?
341
00:14:59,134 --> 00:15:00,165
Two months.
342
00:15:00,234 --> 00:15:01,766
Well, tonight
we're doing facials.
343
00:15:03,667 --> 00:15:05,331
(ANNA LEE CRYING)
344
00:15:05,400 --> 00:15:07,232
Oh, God.
Hang on a second.
345
00:15:09,400 --> 00:15:12,999
Okay, okay, stop.
Just stop crying.
Stop crying, Anna Lee.
346
00:15:13,068 --> 00:15:15,065
No wonder.
You dropped
your pacifier.
347
00:15:22,467 --> 00:15:23,464
You have a baby?
348
00:15:23,533 --> 00:15:24,731
Yeah, it's a long story.
349
00:15:24,801 --> 00:15:27,099
Damn kid's kept me up
every night for two weeks.
350
00:15:27,168 --> 00:15:29,799
Now, where were we?
Giggity Giggity...
351
00:15:29,867 --> 00:15:31,398
(SNORING)
352
00:15:40,567 --> 00:15:44,632
CANDY: Glenn, you fell asleep,
so I took off.
It's probably for the best.
353
00:15:44,700 --> 00:15:48,165
I've never had sex before,
and I probably wouldn't
have been much good at it.
354
00:15:48,234 --> 00:15:49,831
(SCREAMING)
355
00:15:49,900 --> 00:15:50,965
(ANNA LEE CRYING)
356
00:15:51,034 --> 00:15:53,698
That's it.
That kid is out of here.
357
00:15:53,767 --> 00:15:55,465
Hey, there's another note.
358
00:15:55,534 --> 00:15:58,831
"Glenn, this is your child.
Next time wear a condom..."
359
00:15:58,900 --> 00:16:00,765
Oh, that's the note
from earlier.
360
00:16:01,567 --> 00:16:04,265
I need a file cabinet.
361
00:16:10,534 --> 00:16:12,965
So it's just not
working out,
me being a father.
362
00:16:13,034 --> 00:16:14,698
And that's why
I'm wondering
if you and Lois
363
00:16:14,767 --> 00:16:16,899
would be willing
to adopt the baby.
364
00:16:16,967 --> 00:16:19,165
Oh, boy, Quagmire.
I don't know that
we can do that.
365
00:16:19,234 --> 00:16:21,632
We can barely take care
of the two we have.
366
00:16:21,701 --> 00:16:24,732
Now, now,
this is just a suggestion.
Just throwing it out there.
367
00:16:24,801 --> 00:16:26,998
Have you
considered
abortion?
368
00:16:27,067 --> 00:16:28,332
Peter, I think
it's too late
for that.
369
00:16:28,400 --> 00:16:30,432
Don't let the press
put the scare into you.
370
00:16:30,500 --> 00:16:32,532
Wade v. Boggs has
not been overturned.
371
00:16:32,600 --> 00:16:35,199
Yeah, but you
can't really abort
a live baby.
372
00:16:35,267 --> 00:16:39,199
Oh, boy,
they have got you.
Glenn, Glenn...
373
00:16:39,267 --> 00:16:41,032
(WHISPERING)
Give her back to God.
374
00:16:41,100 --> 00:16:43,065
Peter, I'm gonna
go ahead and move
the conversation forward.
375
00:16:43,134 --> 00:16:45,165
Is there any way
you guys could
take Anna Lee?
376
00:16:45,234 --> 00:16:47,398
No, Quagmire.
We got enough
kids of our own.
377
00:16:47,467 --> 00:16:49,432
Plus old Brian
over there.
Right, buddy?
378
00:16:49,501 --> 00:16:53,165
I sharpened a pencil
in my bum and now
I need a Band-Aid.
379
00:16:58,967 --> 00:17:00,865
You're doing
the right thing,
Quagmire.
380
00:17:00,934 --> 00:17:03,066
All right, Quagmire,
just so you're
clear on the law.
381
00:17:03,133 --> 00:17:05,699
Once you give this child up
to the adoption agency,
382
00:17:05,767 --> 00:17:07,131
you can no longer
abort it.
383
00:17:08,801 --> 00:17:11,631
Hello, sir.
Do you wish to put this
child up for adoption?
384
00:17:11,701 --> 00:17:13,932
Yeah, it's not working out.
I need to get her
out of my hair.
385
00:17:14,001 --> 00:17:16,732
Well, we can
help you there.
Is it a boy or a girl?
386
00:17:16,801 --> 00:17:18,765
It's a girl.
Her name's Anna Lee.
387
00:17:18,834 --> 00:17:21,231
Oh, beautiful name.
Let me take her from you.
388
00:17:25,434 --> 00:17:27,599
Well, go on, Quagmire.
Give her the baby.
389
00:17:28,566 --> 00:17:30,266
I will. I just...
390
00:17:33,034 --> 00:17:35,099
Oh. Here.
391
00:17:36,433 --> 00:17:39,298
She... She'll go to
a good home, right?
392
00:17:39,366 --> 00:17:40,631
Oh, yes.
393
00:17:40,701 --> 00:17:42,331
She'll be somewhere
safe, right?
394
00:17:42,400 --> 00:17:44,565
Like, you're not
gonna put her with
Sand People, right?
395
00:17:44,633 --> 00:17:46,264
You mean,
like from Star Wars?
396
00:17:46,333 --> 00:17:47,498
(LAUGHING) No,
no, no, no, no.
397
00:17:52,167 --> 00:17:57,299
Brian, I didn't know
if you wanted a God's Eye,
but I made you one.
398
00:17:57,368 --> 00:18:00,266
Okay, thank you.
Did you wash
my car like I asked?
399
00:18:00,334 --> 00:18:02,598
No, but I hit it
with a rock.
400
00:18:02,667 --> 00:18:03,698
Okay, thanks.
401
00:18:03,767 --> 00:18:06,698
Brian, I think
my jaw is falling off.
402
00:18:06,767 --> 00:18:07,966
(EXCLAIMING)
403
00:18:08,034 --> 00:18:09,565
Stewie,
what is happening
to this thing?
404
00:18:09,633 --> 00:18:12,433
Oh, yeah.
Turns out the clones
aren't too stable, Brian.
405
00:18:12,500 --> 00:18:14,431
I've been having some
trouble with mine, too.
406
00:18:14,500 --> 00:18:17,565
Hey, Stewie.
Everything sounds
like rushing water,
407
00:18:17,634 --> 00:18:19,998
and I can't stand up
so very good.
408
00:18:20,067 --> 00:18:23,099
Yeah, I figure they've got
less than a minute before
they dissolve completely.
409
00:18:23,168 --> 00:18:25,065
Hey, Brian,
knock-knock.
410
00:18:25,134 --> 00:18:26,166
Who's there?
411
00:18:26,234 --> 00:18:27,665
(FARTING)
412
00:18:27,733 --> 00:18:29,166
(LAUGHING)
413
00:18:31,901 --> 00:18:34,366
Whoa! I hope that
doesn't happen to me.
414
00:18:36,434 --> 00:18:39,565
He took my dry cleaning
and I have no idea
what he did with the ticket.
415
00:18:39,634 --> 00:18:41,532
Yeah, this was not
a fruitful endeavor.
416
00:18:41,600 --> 00:18:43,532
You don't see
my ATM card
in there, do you?
417
00:18:43,600 --> 00:18:45,399
No. Do you want me
to dig around
and see if...
418
00:18:45,467 --> 00:18:46,899
No, fuck it.
It's fine.
419
00:18:49,967 --> 00:18:51,165
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
420
00:18:52,901 --> 00:18:54,099
This'll be great,
Quagmire.
421
00:18:54,168 --> 00:18:56,231
A nudie bar
is the perfect
way to celebrate
422
00:18:56,300 --> 00:18:57,765
your first night
without a baby.
423
00:18:57,834 --> 00:19:00,565
Yeah, Peter. This is great.
I feel like myself again.
424
00:19:00,633 --> 00:19:02,966
I'll tell you, my life was
so dominated by that baby.
425
00:19:03,034 --> 00:19:04,565
I'm glad she's gone.
426
00:19:04,634 --> 00:19:06,899
Yeah. You know, sometimes
you just got to make
a decision and go with it.
427
00:19:06,968 --> 00:19:08,331
Like when I decided
to try that radical
penis enlargement.
428
00:19:10,667 --> 00:19:11,699
Peter, I don't think...
429
00:19:11,768 --> 00:19:12,799
Brian, your objections
are duly noted.
430
00:19:12,868 --> 00:19:13,899
Now, hit the gas.
431
00:19:13,967 --> 00:19:15,099
(TIRES SQUEALING)
432
00:19:19,700 --> 00:19:21,765
You know that would
never work again
in a million years.
433
00:19:21,833 --> 00:19:23,099
Don't need it to, Brian.
434
00:19:26,834 --> 00:19:28,498
That stripper has
a rash on her ass
435
00:19:28,567 --> 00:19:30,431
just like Anna Lee
used to get.
436
00:19:30,500 --> 00:19:31,732
Yeah.
437
00:19:31,801 --> 00:19:33,732
And that other stripper's
sitting on that guy's lap
438
00:19:33,801 --> 00:19:35,565
just like Anna Lee
used to do.
439
00:19:35,634 --> 00:19:36,932
I guess.
440
00:19:37,001 --> 00:19:39,932
And that stripper
only has one tooth,
just like Anna Lee.
441
00:19:40,001 --> 00:19:41,298
Quagmire,
you feeling okay?
442
00:19:41,366 --> 00:19:42,765
I don't know.
443
00:19:42,834 --> 00:19:44,999
I think I might have
made a terrible mistake.
444
00:19:45,068 --> 00:19:46,932
I abandoned my daughter.
445
00:19:47,001 --> 00:19:49,098
Why did I give away
my only daughter?
446
00:19:49,166 --> 00:19:51,231
(SOBBING)
447
00:19:51,300 --> 00:19:52,599
Oh, God!
448
00:19:55,133 --> 00:19:57,599
He'll be fine.
We shouldn't let
this ruin our night.
449
00:19:57,667 --> 00:19:59,699
Let's just enjoy
the strippers.
450
00:19:59,767 --> 00:20:01,164
I guess.
451
00:20:01,233 --> 00:20:03,065
I just hate the way
that one gets
so into her work.
452
00:20:03,134 --> 00:20:05,398
You boys have been
very naughty.
453
00:20:05,467 --> 00:20:07,865
I'm gonna
have to assign you
extra homework.
454
00:20:09,400 --> 00:20:11,665
Darn it.
Fractions are so hard.
455
00:20:11,734 --> 00:20:12,832
What did you get
for number four?
456
00:20:12,900 --> 00:20:14,765
She said
don't share answers!
457
00:20:18,101 --> 00:20:19,999
All right,
here it is.
625 Maple.
458
00:20:20,068 --> 00:20:22,233
That's the family
that adopted Anna Lee.
459
00:20:24,101 --> 00:20:26,598
Hey, wait.
Wait, guys!
460
00:20:26,667 --> 00:20:29,464
Well, it's just me
and my old nemesis,
461
00:20:29,533 --> 00:20:30,999
First Step.
462
00:20:31,068 --> 00:20:34,131
(LAUGHING) Hey, Joe,
what you doing?
You out for a walk?
463
00:20:34,200 --> 00:20:35,765
I hate this block.
464
00:20:38,133 --> 00:20:40,299
(GASPING) There she is.
There's Anna Lee.
465
00:20:43,267 --> 00:20:45,498
Hang on, Anna Lee.
I'm coming.
466
00:20:47,834 --> 00:20:48,832
It's them.
467
00:20:57,300 --> 00:21:00,799
Look at her.
She looks so happy.
468
00:21:00,867 --> 00:21:05,966
Almost like she belongs there.
They look like a real family.
469
00:21:07,000 --> 00:21:08,898
I can't take her
away from this.
470
00:21:09,634 --> 00:21:10,832
JOE: What's happening?
471
00:21:10,900 --> 00:21:12,432
He's not gonna go
through with it.
472
00:21:12,500 --> 00:21:15,165
It's a nice family,
and the kid'll be
better off here.
473
00:21:15,234 --> 00:21:18,932
JOE: Oh, that's sweet!
What's the inside
of the house look like?
474
00:21:19,000 --> 00:21:22,299
Colonial.
Furniture's pretty good.
Possibly imported area rug.
475
00:21:22,367 --> 00:21:23,865
JOE: Oh, that's nice!
476
00:21:23,934 --> 00:21:26,365
A bit pricey,
but for the money
you're spending, you know,
477
00:21:26,434 --> 00:21:27,732
it's not a bad way to go!
478
00:21:27,801 --> 00:21:30,165
Yeah, for the money.
You ready to go, Quagmire?
479
00:21:30,234 --> 00:21:31,598
Yeah.
480
00:21:31,667 --> 00:21:34,032
You know, I got to tell you.
I think you did a good thing.
481
00:21:34,100 --> 00:21:37,198
Well, I guess
I just realized
it's not about me.
482
00:21:37,267 --> 00:21:39,832
This family is what's
best for Anna Lee.
483
00:21:39,901 --> 00:21:42,832
This is her home now.
I got to let her go.
484
00:21:42,901 --> 00:21:44,432
I'm proud of you,
Quagmire.
485
00:21:44,500 --> 00:21:45,832
Thanks, man.
Hey, who knows?
486
00:21:45,901 --> 00:21:47,265
Maybe I'll bump
into her in 18 years.
487
00:21:47,334 --> 00:21:48,698
What?
488
00:21:48,767 --> 00:21:50,965
Did you really
think I was gonna
change that much?
489
00:21:51,034 --> 00:21:52,498
Good night, everybody!
490
00:22:28,734 --> 00:22:29,732
English - US - Line 21