1
00:00:03,068 --> 00:00:05,832
♪ It seems today
that all you see
2
00:00:05,901 --> 00:00:09,198
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
3
00:00:09,267 --> 00:00:12,899
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values
4
00:00:12,967 --> 00:00:15,966
♪ On which we used to rely?
5
00:00:16,034 --> 00:00:19,265
♪ Lucky there's a family guy
6
00:00:19,334 --> 00:00:22,599
♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do
7
00:00:22,667 --> 00:00:24,231
♪ All the things
that make us
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00:00:24,300 --> 00:00:25,866
♪ Laugh and cry
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00:00:25,934 --> 00:00:30,932
♪ He's a family guy ♪
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00:00:37,101 --> 00:00:38,465
TV ANNOUNCER:
From Time Life Music
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00:00:38,534 --> 00:00:40,566
comes a one-of-a-kind
Rat Pack collection.
12
00:00:40,634 --> 00:00:42,399
Their most bigoted songs.
13
00:00:42,468 --> 00:00:46,233
All your
favorite once acceptable
hits, like Drunk Old Injun.
14
00:00:47,767 --> 00:00:51,066
♪ The drunk old Injun
squatting in his teepee
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00:00:51,134 --> 00:00:53,566
♪ Firewater
keeping him warm ♪
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00:00:53,634 --> 00:00:55,232
ANNOUNCER: Jewish Nose.
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00:00:55,301 --> 00:00:58,765
♪ She's got a big
beautiful Jewish nose
18
00:00:58,835 --> 00:01:02,133
♪ And it's there
two minutes early
wherever she goes ♪
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00:01:02,202 --> 00:01:05,499
ANNOUNCER: Dean Martin
singing Chinaman's Chance.
20
00:01:05,567 --> 00:01:09,266
♪ And Mister Chinaman say
in his Chinaman way
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00:01:09,334 --> 00:01:12,465
♪ A-ding-a-ling,
a-ching-a-chong
a-ching-a chong-chu ♪
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00:01:12,534 --> 00:01:15,866
ANNOUNCER:
Pew, Stinky Frenchman.
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00:01:15,934 --> 00:01:18,999
♪ Paris is lovely,
and Nice sure is nice
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00:01:19,068 --> 00:01:22,332
♪ And Marseille is charming
with champagne on ice
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00:01:22,401 --> 00:01:25,833
♪ But you, stinky Frenchman,
haven't a clue
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00:01:25,901 --> 00:01:29,166
♪ Pew, stinky Frenchman,
frog you ♪
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ANNOUNCER: Hey There, Fruity.
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ALL: ♪ Hey there, fruity
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♪ You can do my hair
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ALL: ♪ Hey there, fruity
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00:01:36,768 --> 00:01:38,799
♪ Don't touch me down there
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00:01:38,868 --> 00:01:40,199
ALL: ♪ Hey there, fruity
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00:01:40,268 --> 00:01:43,899
♪ You're gay and
I don't approve ♪
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00:01:43,968 --> 00:01:45,899
ANNOUNCER: And many more.
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00:01:47,434 --> 00:01:48,999
You know,
I'm sick of
looking at that.
36
00:01:49,067 --> 00:01:50,532
What?
That empty space!
37
00:01:50,601 --> 00:01:52,933
It just reminds me that
Cleveland's not here anymore.
38
00:01:53,001 --> 00:01:55,932
Yeah, it's just not
the same without him.
I sure wish he...
39
00:01:56,001 --> 00:01:57,532
Hey, guys, look!
40
00:01:59,001 --> 00:02:01,232
It's him!
Hey, Cleveland!
41
00:02:01,301 --> 00:02:05,333
Why didn't you tell us
you were back, buddy?
Oh, it's a lamp.
42
00:02:07,801 --> 00:02:09,465
You know, guys,
I've been thinking.
43
00:02:09,534 --> 00:02:11,498
We need
a new fourth guy
for our group.
44
00:02:11,567 --> 00:02:12,899
We're a man short,
like Statler without Waldorf.
45
00:02:14,367 --> 00:02:16,199
(LAUGHS)
46
00:02:16,267 --> 00:02:18,632
You know, without the
other guy yapping in my ear,
these guys aren't half bad.
47
00:02:22,935 --> 00:02:24,266
Now, I know you're
interested in being
48
00:02:24,335 --> 00:02:26,766
the fourth guy
in our entourage,
Kevin Connolly,
49
00:02:26,834 --> 00:02:28,298
but don't you think
you're a little small?
50
00:02:28,367 --> 00:02:29,866
Listen, I tell you what.
51
00:02:29,934 --> 00:02:31,865
You can be in our group
if I can have some of
your cereal.
52
00:02:31,934 --> 00:02:34,599
Oh, no!
They're after me
Kevin Connolly charms!
53
00:02:39,734 --> 00:02:41,565
Okay, so what do you think
you can bring to our group,
54
00:02:41,634 --> 00:02:43,266
guys who have been
in the country almost
55
00:02:43,334 --> 00:02:44,933
long enough to
not have accents?
56
00:02:45,001 --> 00:02:47,266
Well, friend,
if you're looking
for fun times,
57
00:02:47,334 --> 00:02:48,798
we're the males for you.
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00:02:48,868 --> 00:02:50,365
(CHUCKLES) You
said it to him, mick.
59
00:02:50,433 --> 00:02:53,066
Last night we went to club
and it was totally bitches.
60
00:02:53,135 --> 00:02:55,866
Oh! We had to wait
in line for, like,
0.7 hours,
61
00:02:55,934 --> 00:02:57,832
but then
we made friends
with the brown bouncer,
62
00:02:57,901 --> 00:03:00,032
and it was cool
sailing from there.
63
00:03:05,035 --> 00:03:06,398
How's your
friend search going?
64
00:03:06,467 --> 00:03:07,532
(SIGHING) Not great, Lois.
65
00:03:07,601 --> 00:03:08,799
What friend search?
66
00:03:08,868 --> 00:03:10,799
We're just trying to find
a friend to replace Cleveland.
67
00:03:10,868 --> 00:03:12,732
We've been meeting people
for the past three days.
68
00:03:12,801 --> 00:03:15,566
Well, you don't need
to look for somebody new.
I'll hang out with you guys.
69
00:03:15,634 --> 00:03:17,899
Yeah. You know,
I don't think that's
gonna work out, Brian,
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00:03:17,968 --> 00:03:19,398
'cause of the whole
Quagmire thing.
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00:03:19,467 --> 00:03:20,498
What Quagmire thing?
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00:03:20,568 --> 00:03:22,065
You know,
just that he hates you.
73
00:03:22,133 --> 00:03:24,231
Quagmire hates me?
Hates you.
74
00:03:24,300 --> 00:03:26,866
I don't get it. Why...
Why wouldn't Quagmire
like me?
75
00:03:26,935 --> 00:03:28,198
Because he thinks
you're annoying,
76
00:03:28,267 --> 00:03:30,599
like people who never
shut up about their kids.
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00:03:30,667 --> 00:03:33,799
He would have
been four today.
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00:03:33,868 --> 00:03:35,632
I still don't understand.
79
00:03:35,701 --> 00:03:37,966
How do you drown
in an inch of water?
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00:03:38,035 --> 00:03:39,332
(SOBBING)
81
00:03:39,400 --> 00:03:42,799
Well, I guess I don't have
a new sweater and a haircut.
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00:03:47,434 --> 00:03:50,198
(SIGHS) Who would have thought
it would be this hard to
replace Cleveland?
83
00:03:50,267 --> 00:03:53,033
You know,
guys, we've kind of been
ignoring the obvious here.
84
00:03:53,101 --> 00:03:56,565
I mean,
if you really break it down,
what we need is a black guy.
85
00:03:56,634 --> 00:03:58,532
Yeah, that was the best thing
about Cleveland.
86
00:03:58,600 --> 00:04:00,732
Oh, by far.
I sure do miss him.
87
00:04:00,801 --> 00:04:02,865
Peter's right!
We got to find
another black guy!
88
00:04:02,934 --> 00:04:05,365
Yeah, because otherwise,
we're just a bunch of
boring white guys,
89
00:04:05,434 --> 00:04:07,099
like a London
gentlemen's club.
90
00:04:08,334 --> 00:04:10,332
(MAN 1 CLEARS THROAT)
91
00:04:10,400 --> 00:04:12,398
(MAN 2 CLEARS THROAT)
92
00:04:12,467 --> 00:04:13,699
(MAN 3 CLEARING THROAT)
93
00:04:13,768 --> 00:04:17,632
(ALL CLEARING THROATS)
94
00:04:33,300 --> 00:04:37,866
(ALL CLEARING THROATS LOUDLY)
95
00:04:54,701 --> 00:04:57,866
(ALL CLEARING THROATS SOFTLY)
96
00:05:02,601 --> 00:05:04,732
Hey, you guys want to
enter the darts tournament?
97
00:05:04,801 --> 00:05:06,765
First prize is
free drinks all night.
98
00:05:06,834 --> 00:05:08,899
Well, we'd love to, Horace,
but there's only three of us.
99
00:05:08,968 --> 00:05:10,865
JEROME: Did I hear
some sorry-ass fools
100
00:05:10,935 --> 00:05:12,832
in need of
a mother-loving fourth?
101
00:05:18,268 --> 00:05:20,099
I'll join your darts game.
102
00:05:20,168 --> 00:05:21,599
How do we know
you're any good?
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Gentlemen, we got us
a black man.
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(ALL LAUGHING)
105
00:05:33,767 --> 00:05:36,299
Oh, boy!
What a fantastic evening!
106
00:05:36,368 --> 00:05:39,399
Jerome, you are a wonderful
addition to our group.
107
00:05:39,467 --> 00:05:42,132
Hey, thanks, Peter.
I like you guys, too.
108
00:05:42,201 --> 00:05:44,632
What do you say
we hit another bar?
Keep it going?
109
00:05:44,701 --> 00:05:47,499
I can't. There's a girl
tied up in my basement
who needs some food.
110
00:05:47,567 --> 00:05:50,132
That's funny.
You funny, pointy man.
111
00:05:50,201 --> 00:05:52,399
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
Yeah. I joke around a lot.
112
00:05:54,367 --> 00:05:57,632
Well, I'm enjoying you,
too, Jerome. Welcome
to the clan.
113
00:05:57,700 --> 00:06:02,765
I mean,
I'm glad we got to hang.
I mean, you're a good negro.
114
00:06:02,834 --> 00:06:05,399
No, I...
Relax, man.
I like you, too.
115
00:06:05,468 --> 00:06:08,432
Okay, yeah,
that's all I was trying to...
Yeah, good evening.
116
00:06:12,634 --> 00:06:14,266
Thanks for
the lift home, Jerome.
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00:06:14,334 --> 00:06:16,465
Hey, if you got time to
come in, I'd love for you
to meet my wife.
118
00:06:16,534 --> 00:06:18,699
I got time for
whatever I want, fool.
119
00:06:18,767 --> 00:06:21,465
My watch don't tell time.
I tell it.
120
00:06:21,534 --> 00:06:24,699
Wow! You're cooler than
a York Peppermint Pattie.
121
00:06:24,768 --> 00:06:28,598
When I bite
into a York Peppermint
Pattie, I get the sensation
122
00:06:28,667 --> 00:06:32,432
of being on
a frozen mountaintop!
123
00:06:32,501 --> 00:06:35,066
It has been two months since
I made the tragic choice
124
00:06:35,134 --> 00:06:37,232
to bite into
a York Peppermint Pattie,
125
00:06:37,301 --> 00:06:38,966
and still I have
made no progress
126
00:06:39,034 --> 00:06:40,832
finding my way
out of the mountains.
127
00:06:40,901 --> 00:06:44,032
The only food
I have is the rest of
this York Peppermint Pattie,
128
00:06:44,101 --> 00:06:47,566
which, unfortunately, keeps
bringing me back to the top
of the mountain.
129
00:06:47,634 --> 00:06:50,965
If anyone finds this,
tell my family I love them.
130
00:06:51,034 --> 00:06:53,432
...of being on
a frozen mountaintop!
131
00:06:57,667 --> 00:06:59,732
Hey, Lois,
I'd like you to
meet our new friend...
132
00:06:59,801 --> 00:07:02,133
Jerome?
Loose Lois?
133
00:07:02,202 --> 00:07:04,165
What? You guys
know each other?
134
00:07:04,233 --> 00:07:07,465
Know each other?
Peter, Jerome is an
old boyfriend of mine.
135
00:07:07,533 --> 00:07:08,832
What?
136
00:07:08,901 --> 00:07:12,332
(YAWNS)
Sorry, I was out of it.
Wait, are we being robbed?
137
00:07:17,734 --> 00:07:20,032
Peter, I know
I told you about Jerome.
138
00:07:20,100 --> 00:07:21,933
Lois, I would
have remembered if
you had told me that.
139
00:07:22,001 --> 00:07:25,499
I told you, Peter.
I remember exactly
what we were doing.
140
00:07:25,567 --> 00:07:27,099
(BOTH LAUGHING)
141
00:07:29,467 --> 00:07:31,332
I slept with a black guy.
142
00:07:31,400 --> 00:07:35,899
I hope this doesn't make
you feel awkward, my man.
It was a long time ago.
143
00:07:35,968 --> 00:07:39,165
Hey, that's
a beautiful baby.
Mind if I hold him?
144
00:07:39,234 --> 00:07:40,566
Go right ahead.
145
00:07:40,634 --> 00:07:41,999
Hey there,
little fellow.
146
00:07:42,067 --> 00:07:43,399
What's that
around your neck?
147
00:07:43,467 --> 00:07:46,298
Well, I say!
It's a little black Jesus.
148
00:07:46,367 --> 00:07:48,065
WOMAN: ♪ Black Jesus ♪
149
00:07:48,134 --> 00:07:53,065
I rode into town on
an ass, yo mama's ass.
150
00:07:53,134 --> 00:07:55,365
WOMAN: ♪ Black Jesus ♪
151
00:07:55,434 --> 00:07:57,198
It was really good to
see you, Lois.
152
00:07:57,267 --> 00:07:59,532
We should grab a coffee
or something and catch up.
153
00:07:59,601 --> 00:08:03,365
Oh, that would be great.
It was really nice to
see you, too.
154
00:08:03,434 --> 00:08:06,365
Well, it's getting late,
Jerome. I'm sure you've
got stuff to do.
155
00:08:06,434 --> 00:08:08,265
Yeah. I got to go
down to the gas station
156
00:08:08,334 --> 00:08:12,666
and buy a framed
painting of a tiger.
Catch you all later.
157
00:08:12,734 --> 00:08:14,832
You're not really gonna
hang out with him, Lois,
are you?
158
00:08:14,901 --> 00:08:18,198
We're just friends, Peter.
Don't tell me you're jealous.
159
00:08:18,267 --> 00:08:21,398
Well, you dating that guy,
it's just a lot to take in.
160
00:08:21,467 --> 00:08:23,332
(LAUGHING) Oh, you...
You're telling me.
161
00:08:23,401 --> 00:08:25,399
Come on!
Those kinds of
jokes aren't helping!
162
00:08:25,467 --> 00:08:27,366
Well, what do you
want me to say?
163
00:08:27,434 --> 00:08:32,199
You're being silly.
I mean, Jerome and I
dated over 12 inches ago.
164
00:08:32,268 --> 00:08:33,766
(LAUGHING) I said "inches."
165
00:08:33,834 --> 00:08:36,032
What did I just say?
I'm sorry.
166
00:08:36,101 --> 00:08:38,299
I'm sorry.
Okay, look,
just relax.
167
00:08:38,368 --> 00:08:40,532
You're my husband
and I love you,
168
00:08:40,601 --> 00:08:43,466
so just put Jerome
out of your head.
169
00:08:43,534 --> 00:08:45,766
Get him out of my life
is more like it.
170
00:08:48,667 --> 00:08:51,032
Brian, I just found
out Chris Farley died.
171
00:08:51,101 --> 00:08:52,766
Yeah, that happened,
like, 12 years ago.
172
00:08:52,834 --> 00:08:55,532
But I just watched
Tommy Boy yesterday.
He was right there.
173
00:08:55,601 --> 00:08:57,565
Yeah, that's a movie.
It's shot beforehand.
174
00:08:57,634 --> 00:08:59,232
It's not happening
right now.
175
00:08:59,301 --> 00:09:02,099
Really? But I thought my
knocking on the TV glass
distracted him,
176
00:09:02,167 --> 00:09:04,166
and that's what made
him fall down that hill.
177
00:09:04,234 --> 00:09:07,866
(CHUCKLING) Seeing
him fall down that hill
put me in a good humor.
178
00:09:07,935 --> 00:09:09,032
Stewie, get lost.
179
00:09:09,101 --> 00:09:10,466
What are you doing
just standing out here?
180
00:09:10,534 --> 00:09:12,399
I'm waiting for
Quagmire to get his mail.
181
00:09:12,468 --> 00:09:15,499
I'm gonna conveniently
stroll by and strike up
a conversation with him,
182
00:09:15,568 --> 00:09:17,366
and maybe find out
why he hates me.
183
00:09:17,435 --> 00:09:20,066
I'm sure it's just
a misunderstanding.
You'll smooth it over.
184
00:09:23,867 --> 00:09:25,632
Hey, Quagmire.
What a coincidence!
185
00:09:25,701 --> 00:09:28,432
You and me just
running into each other.
How're you doing?
186
00:09:28,501 --> 00:09:29,498
Fine.
187
00:09:31,968 --> 00:09:35,099
Taking a break, huh?
She's a hot piece of ass.
188
00:09:35,168 --> 00:09:37,099
And from the looks of it,
she likes it rough.
189
00:09:37,168 --> 00:09:38,331
That's my sister, Brian.
190
00:09:38,400 --> 00:09:40,166
Her boyfriend has been
beating her mercilessly.
191
00:09:40,235 --> 00:09:42,732
The last thing
she'd want right now
is to be objectified.
192
00:09:42,801 --> 00:09:44,766
Oh, God, I'm really sorry.
193
00:09:44,834 --> 00:09:47,098
I got a deaf brother!
You want to make fun
of him, too?
194
00:09:49,101 --> 00:09:50,732
(TIRES SQUEALING)
195
00:09:53,234 --> 00:09:54,865
JEFF: Where is she?
QUAGMIRE: She's not here!
196
00:09:54,934 --> 00:09:57,599
QUAGMIRE'S SISTER:
Get out, Jeff!
Just get out of here!
197
00:09:57,667 --> 00:09:59,232
JEFF: I'll get out
when I'm finished!
198
00:09:59,301 --> 00:10:00,899
(THUDDING)
199
00:10:00,968 --> 00:10:03,066
You feel good about your
sex joke earlier, Brian?
200
00:10:03,134 --> 00:10:05,332
He's savagely beating
her again! You hear that?
201
00:10:05,401 --> 00:10:06,566
Yeah. I'm not deaf.
202
00:10:06,634 --> 00:10:09,432
What? Like my brother?
Boy, you have no class!
203
00:10:09,501 --> 00:10:11,765
JEFF: Yeah, that's
the guy's brother, man.
QUAGMIRE'S SISTER: Yeah!
204
00:10:11,834 --> 00:10:12,965
JEFF: Shut up, bitch!
205
00:10:17,268 --> 00:10:18,899
Hey, you know what they say.
206
00:10:18,968 --> 00:10:21,266
See a broad, to get
that booty, yak them.
207
00:10:21,334 --> 00:10:24,399
BOTH: Leg her down
and smack them, yak them.
208
00:10:24,467 --> 00:10:25,766
Cold got to be.
209
00:10:25,834 --> 00:10:27,699
(BOTH CHUCKLING)
210
00:10:27,768 --> 00:10:29,432
Shit.
If you'll excuse me,
211
00:10:29,501 --> 00:10:33,732
I'm gonna
order me some cheap cognac
and put it in a fancy glass.
212
00:10:33,800 --> 00:10:36,131
Boy, Jerome
is the greatest!
We really lucked out.
213
00:10:36,200 --> 00:10:38,532
I don't know, you guys.
I'm not so sure about Jerome.
214
00:10:38,601 --> 00:10:40,632
I mean,
how do we know
we can really trust him?
215
00:10:40,701 --> 00:10:43,265
What are you
talking about, Peter?
Jerome's awesome.
216
00:10:43,333 --> 00:10:45,165
Yeah. Why the hell wouldn't
we be able to trust him?
217
00:10:45,233 --> 00:10:46,632
All right,
you guys want the truth?
218
00:10:46,701 --> 00:10:48,232
Before me and
Lois were married,
219
00:10:48,301 --> 00:10:51,232
our new friend used
to slip her the old
Pringles can.
220
00:10:51,300 --> 00:10:54,398
Well, so what, Peter?
That was 20 years ago.
221
00:10:54,467 --> 00:10:56,166
That doesn't matter!
222
00:10:56,235 --> 00:10:58,665
Look, Peter. Jerome's the
coolest guy we've met
since Cleveland left.
223
00:10:58,734 --> 00:11:00,999
Yeah, don't do anything
to ruin this, Peter.
224
00:11:01,068 --> 00:11:03,398
You know,
the way you
ruined my parrot.
225
00:11:03,467 --> 00:11:06,498
I just bought it yesterday.
Isn't it beautiful?
226
00:11:06,567 --> 00:11:07,999
Cripple, cripple,
cripple, cripple, cripple,
227
00:11:08,068 --> 00:11:09,766
cripple, cripple,
cripple, cripple!
228
00:11:09,834 --> 00:11:11,233
Cripple.
Damn it!
229
00:11:15,634 --> 00:11:18,698
That son of a bitch!
Thinks he can sleep
with my wife.
230
00:11:18,768 --> 00:11:20,199
Not on my watch!
231
00:11:22,601 --> 00:11:24,799
ALEX KEATON ON TV:
Listen, I don't care
that you're dating Mallory.
232
00:11:24,868 --> 00:11:26,866
Nobody in this
family likes you, Nick.
233
00:11:26,934 --> 00:11:29,598
You just
stand your ground,
garbage-sculpture man.
234
00:11:29,668 --> 00:11:31,298
They'll come
to respect you.
235
00:11:31,367 --> 00:11:32,932
You bastard!
236
00:11:33,001 --> 00:11:35,799
Nick was no good for her
and it broke Skippy
Handelman's heart!
237
00:11:46,001 --> 00:11:48,433
Dear God and Black Jesus!
238
00:11:48,501 --> 00:11:50,232
WOMAN: ♪ Black Jesus ♪
239
00:11:50,301 --> 00:11:52,632
The kingdom of
God is inside you,
240
00:11:52,700 --> 00:11:55,466
at least it will be
in a second.
241
00:11:55,534 --> 00:11:57,265
WOMAN: ♪ Black Jesus ♪
242
00:12:05,234 --> 00:12:08,532
Jerome? What the...
What the hell are
you doing here?
243
00:12:08,601 --> 00:12:10,999
Oh, Peter, something
terrible's happened.
244
00:12:11,068 --> 00:12:13,799
Somebody burned down
Jerome's house last night.
245
00:12:13,867 --> 00:12:16,166
This whacked-out world!
246
00:12:16,234 --> 00:12:18,398
It just makes you
want to grab your nephew
247
00:12:18,467 --> 00:12:21,133
and get in a van
and shoot people
in the DC area.
248
00:12:21,201 --> 00:12:24,499
Yeah, well, when I
find the guy who did it,
I'm gonna rip his arms off
249
00:12:24,568 --> 00:12:28,899
and do his wife over and over
nice and slow in front of him!
250
00:12:28,968 --> 00:12:30,733
And no one
would blame you.
251
00:12:30,801 --> 00:12:33,999
But meanwhile, Jerome,
you are more than welcome
to stay with us.
252
00:12:34,068 --> 00:12:36,431
What?
Oh! Well, thank you, Lois.
253
00:12:36,500 --> 00:12:39,799
Man, I'm so lucky
to have real friends
like you and Peter!
254
00:12:39,868 --> 00:12:41,498
Well, I guess
you can stay here.
255
00:12:41,567 --> 00:12:42,698
But I'll tell you
one thing...
256
00:12:42,768 --> 00:12:43,899
Hang on a sec.
257
00:12:45,001 --> 00:12:46,233
What is that?
258
00:12:46,300 --> 00:12:47,233
I don't know.
It's trying to
do something.
259
00:12:48,801 --> 00:12:53,066
Oh. Well... Well,
I guess we're just
gonna have to wait.
260
00:12:59,001 --> 00:13:01,532
So, how long
is Jerome gonna be
staying with us, Dad?
261
00:13:01,600 --> 00:13:04,199
I don't know, Chris, but the
sooner he's out of here,
the better.
262
00:13:04,267 --> 00:13:06,399
I don't trust him
around Lois for a second!
263
00:13:06,468 --> 00:13:12,699
LOIS: Oh, God, Jerome,
that is so good!
Yeah, it's so hot and moist!
264
00:13:14,368 --> 00:13:17,065
Mmm! These scones
are delicious.
265
00:13:17,134 --> 00:13:19,499
You are quite
the little baker, Jerome.
266
00:13:19,568 --> 00:13:22,198
Oh, thank God!
What's going on in here?
267
00:13:22,267 --> 00:13:24,999
Relax, Mr. Furley.
I thought what you
thought, but it's okay.
268
00:13:25,067 --> 00:13:26,265
Well, it sounded like...
269
00:13:26,334 --> 00:13:29,165
I know.
I know, but it's fine.
Go back to being dead.
270
00:13:29,234 --> 00:13:30,699
Peter, is everything
all right?
271
00:13:30,768 --> 00:13:32,532
Yeah. Yeah, Lois.
Everything's fine.
272
00:13:32,600 --> 00:13:34,866
You guys having
a little breakfast?
273
00:13:34,934 --> 00:13:37,832
Yes, and
Jerome made scones.
Would you like one?
274
00:13:37,901 --> 00:13:39,565
Oh, they're delicious!
275
00:13:39,634 --> 00:13:41,732
I thought maybe later
today, we could all...
276
00:13:41,801 --> 00:13:43,465
(COUGHING)
277
00:13:43,534 --> 00:13:44,566
(CHOKING)
278
00:13:44,634 --> 00:13:46,933
Oh, my God!
Mom's choking!
279
00:13:47,001 --> 00:13:49,066
Out of the way!
I'm an EMT.
280
00:13:50,634 --> 00:13:53,265
(GRUNTING)
281
00:13:53,333 --> 00:13:56,531
Her airway's jammed.
Come on now. Just like that.
282
00:14:00,534 --> 00:14:02,033
I need some
gravitational help.
283
00:14:04,267 --> 00:14:06,432
Oh, no!
Her clothes
are constricting.
284
00:14:06,500 --> 00:14:07,565
As are mine!
285
00:14:09,467 --> 00:14:11,232
(BOTH GRUNTING)
286
00:14:14,367 --> 00:14:16,365
(PANTING) Oh, my God!
287
00:14:16,434 --> 00:14:19,566
Thank you, Jerome.
You saved my life!
288
00:14:19,634 --> 00:14:22,332
Um, "I'll have
what she's having,"
289
00:14:22,401 --> 00:14:24,265
says the funniest
person in the room.
290
00:14:29,467 --> 00:14:31,298
Hey, what are you getting
all dressed up for?
291
00:14:31,367 --> 00:14:33,133
I'm treating Quagmire
to a night out.
292
00:14:33,200 --> 00:14:34,532
Really? I thought
he hated you.
293
00:14:34,601 --> 00:14:35,666
How did you convince him
to go?
294
00:14:35,734 --> 00:14:37,566
I tricked him,
sent him a phony card.
295
00:14:37,634 --> 00:14:39,832
He thinks
he's going on a date
with an old girlfriend.
296
00:14:39,901 --> 00:14:41,599
But instead,
you're going to show up.
297
00:14:41,668 --> 00:14:42,766
You got it.
298
00:14:42,834 --> 00:14:45,165
Yikes! That's a recipe
for disappointment,
299
00:14:45,233 --> 00:14:48,332
like walking
a floral arrangement through
an office full of fat women.
300
00:14:49,601 --> 00:14:51,599
Is there a Miss...es?
301
00:14:51,667 --> 00:14:52,665
(ALL SIGH IN DISAPPOINTMENT)
302
00:14:57,501 --> 00:15:00,166
Oh. Brian?
Where's Cheryl Tiegs?
303
00:15:00,234 --> 00:15:01,799
Well, she's not coming.
304
00:15:01,867 --> 00:15:04,166
I wrote you that because
I knew you'd never come
if it was me.
305
00:15:04,235 --> 00:15:06,999
But I planned a big night,
and we're gonna have
a great time.
306
00:15:07,068 --> 00:15:09,699
Brian, Cheryl was
the one that got away.
307
00:15:09,767 --> 00:15:11,665
She was the great love
of my life.
308
00:15:11,734 --> 00:15:15,532
I thought this was my chance
to finally achieve some
real happiness.
309
00:15:15,601 --> 00:15:17,865
Ever since she left,
I've been chasing girls
310
00:15:17,934 --> 00:15:20,232
to fill
the hole she made
when she walked out.
311
00:15:20,300 --> 00:15:21,999
Now I'm forever lost!
312
00:15:22,068 --> 00:15:25,566
Well, I bet a thick,
juicy steak could help
fill that hole, huh?
313
00:15:25,634 --> 00:15:26,866
(CRYING)
314
00:15:29,735 --> 00:15:31,432
Oh, come on!
It'll be great.
315
00:15:31,501 --> 00:15:34,566
Listen, Glenn,
I want us to be friends.
316
00:15:34,634 --> 00:15:37,166
I think we could be
an even better team
than Lewis and Clark
317
00:15:37,235 --> 00:15:39,932
and the guy who
likes to rip up maps.
318
00:15:40,001 --> 00:15:42,232
All right,
the Northwest Passage.
319
00:15:42,300 --> 00:15:43,565
Hey, could I see that?
320
00:15:45,834 --> 00:15:47,399
Damn it! You ass!
321
00:15:47,467 --> 00:15:49,565
Easy, Clark.
I hate that guy!
322
00:15:49,634 --> 00:15:51,432
It's been a long trip.
You're tired.
323
00:15:51,501 --> 00:15:52,632
No! I hate him!
324
00:15:52,701 --> 00:15:54,832
Look, you're angry.
You're dehydrated.
325
00:15:54,901 --> 00:15:57,499
Just have some
water from the canteen
and you'll feel better.
326
00:15:57,568 --> 00:15:59,099
(SIGHS) Okay.
327
00:15:59,168 --> 00:16:01,433
I just totally
drowned this ant hill.
328
00:16:01,501 --> 00:16:03,365
Hey, when are we
gonna get there?
329
00:16:08,300 --> 00:16:11,132
Ah! And this is Peter
and I at our wedding.
330
00:16:11,200 --> 00:16:14,432
Oh, you look beautiful,
and he's a handsome fellow,
ain't he?
331
00:16:14,501 --> 00:16:16,399
PETER: Well, I am
ready for my evening.
332
00:16:16,467 --> 00:16:18,865
Oh, my God!
Peter, what the hell?
333
00:16:18,934 --> 00:16:20,299
Peter, what are you doing?
334
00:16:20,367 --> 00:16:22,332
PETER: Surely, Jerome,
you don't want to stay
in the same house
335
00:16:22,401 --> 00:16:24,532
as a ghost who carries
a torch around?
336
00:16:24,601 --> 00:16:25,799
(IMITATING A GHOST)
337
00:16:25,868 --> 00:16:28,732
Fire ghost!
You scared yet?
338
00:16:28,801 --> 00:16:30,298
Didn't know this place
was haunted, did you?
339
00:16:30,367 --> 00:16:31,899
Peter, take that thing off!
340
00:16:31,968 --> 00:16:33,365
Hey, what the hell's
going on?
341
00:16:33,433 --> 00:16:34,698
I'll tell you
what's going on!
342
00:16:34,768 --> 00:16:36,598
I have had about
enough of you, Jerome!
343
00:16:36,667 --> 00:16:38,899
I know you want my wife,
but you can't have her!
344
00:16:38,968 --> 00:16:40,799
You are no longer
welcome in my house!
345
00:16:40,868 --> 00:16:41,966
What you
talking about, Peter?
346
00:16:42,034 --> 00:16:43,999
(LAUGHS) But you
can't have sex with Lois!
347
00:16:44,068 --> 00:16:46,099
Now, I want you
out of here right now!
348
00:16:46,168 --> 00:16:48,398
(SIGHS) I can't believe this.
349
00:16:48,467 --> 00:16:50,899
I thought I found
a true friend in you.
350
00:16:50,968 --> 00:16:53,598
I'd never do anything
to hurt you or your family.
351
00:16:54,467 --> 00:16:56,632
Now you're breaking my heart.
352
00:16:56,701 --> 00:16:59,899
Jerome, wait.
He doesn't know what
he's talking about.
353
00:16:59,968 --> 00:17:03,765
I'm sorry, Lois.
I think it would
be better if I left.
354
00:17:03,834 --> 00:17:07,332
Peter, I'm sorry if I
caused you any trouble.
355
00:17:07,401 --> 00:17:09,733
I won't be
bothering you again.
356
00:17:12,300 --> 00:17:15,698
Wow! What just
happened was kind of sad.
357
00:17:15,767 --> 00:17:17,300
(HUMMING SAD TUNE)
358
00:17:30,068 --> 00:17:33,666
So, whose leg
do you have to hump to
get a dry martini around here?
359
00:17:33,735 --> 00:17:34,799
(CHUCKLING)
360
00:17:34,868 --> 00:17:36,233
Hmm.
361
00:17:36,301 --> 00:17:38,632
God! Look at the size
of these steak knives.
362
00:17:38,701 --> 00:17:40,866
What are they serving us,
Tyrannosaurus rex?
363
00:17:40,934 --> 00:17:43,499
Not likely.
364
00:17:43,568 --> 00:17:45,766
Hey, what if I just drank
this whole bottle of ketchup?
365
00:17:45,835 --> 00:17:46,966
(GLUGGING)
366
00:17:47,034 --> 00:17:49,432
(CHUCKLES) Can you imagine?
You dare me?
367
00:17:49,501 --> 00:17:53,199
Kind of ruins it
for the next person
who might want some ketchup.
368
00:17:53,268 --> 00:17:54,666
So, how's the
flying business?
369
00:17:54,735 --> 00:17:57,132
Not so great.
The economy's sort
of taking its toll.
370
00:17:57,201 --> 00:17:59,099
Lot of salary cuts.
A lot of layoffs.
371
00:17:59,168 --> 00:18:00,166
Yeah?
372
00:18:00,235 --> 00:18:01,566
That's pretty much it.
373
00:18:01,634 --> 00:18:03,799
I mean,
you want to learn more,
read the papers,
374
00:18:03,867 --> 00:18:05,333
go on the Internet.
I don't know.
375
00:18:05,402 --> 00:18:06,698
Boy, that's got to
be an interesting job!
376
00:18:06,767 --> 00:18:08,698
I bet you got...
How do those things work?
377
00:18:08,767 --> 00:18:11,532
What? Planes?
How does a plane work?
378
00:18:11,600 --> 00:18:13,133
Yeah.
379
00:18:13,201 --> 00:18:15,632
You want me to sit here
and explain to you how
a plane works?
380
00:18:15,700 --> 00:18:16,999
I don't know. Yeah.
381
00:18:17,068 --> 00:18:18,366
You want to
maybe just go?
382
00:18:18,434 --> 00:18:20,465
Quagmire, come on!
I'm really trying
hard here.
383
00:18:20,534 --> 00:18:22,132
Who asked you to try hard?
384
00:18:22,201 --> 00:18:24,933
Nobody, but all...
I'm trying to establish
a friendship with you.
385
00:18:25,001 --> 00:18:28,033
All I've done
is try to be nice to you
and you still don't like me.
386
00:18:28,102 --> 00:18:30,666
How can you not like me?
387
00:18:30,734 --> 00:18:34,066
Okay, I'll tell you.
You are the worst
person I know.
388
00:18:34,135 --> 00:18:35,799
You constantly hit on
your best friend's wife.
389
00:18:35,868 --> 00:18:38,265
The man pays for your food
and rescued you from
certain death,
390
00:18:38,333 --> 00:18:39,865
and this is
how you repay him?
391
00:18:39,934 --> 00:18:42,499
And to add insult to injury,
you defecate all over
his yard.
392
00:18:42,567 --> 00:18:44,665
And you're
such a sponge.
You pay for nothing.
393
00:18:44,734 --> 00:18:47,498
You always say,
"I'll get you later,"
but later never comes.
394
00:18:47,567 --> 00:18:50,331
And what really bothers me
is you pretend you're this
deep guy
395
00:18:50,400 --> 00:18:51,799
who loves women
for their souls
396
00:18:51,868 --> 00:18:53,298
when all you do is
date bimbos.
397
00:18:53,367 --> 00:18:54,999
Yeah. I date women
for their bodies,
398
00:18:55,068 --> 00:18:56,498
but at least
I'm honest about it.
399
00:18:56,567 --> 00:18:58,300
I don't buy them a copy
of Catcher in the Rye
400
00:18:58,367 --> 00:19:00,933
and then
lecture them with some
seventh-grade interpretation
401
00:19:01,001 --> 00:19:03,566
of how
Holden Caulfield was
some profound intellectual.
402
00:19:03,634 --> 00:19:05,499
He wasn't!
He was a spoiled brat.
403
00:19:05,567 --> 00:19:06,932
And that's why
you like him so much.
404
00:19:07,001 --> 00:19:08,932
He's you.
God, you're pretentious!
405
00:19:09,001 --> 00:19:11,266
And you delude yourself
by thinking you're some
great writer,
406
00:19:11,335 --> 00:19:12,999
even though
you're terrible.
407
00:19:13,068 --> 00:19:14,833
You know, I should have known
Cheryl Tiegs didn't write me
that note.
408
00:19:14,901 --> 00:19:16,866
She would have known there's
no "A" in the word "definite."
409
00:19:16,935 --> 00:19:18,665
And I think what I
hate most about you
410
00:19:18,734 --> 00:19:20,398
is your
textbook liberal agenda.
411
00:19:20,467 --> 00:19:22,399
How we should
"legalize pot, man."
412
00:19:22,468 --> 00:19:24,266
How big business is
crushing the underclass.
413
00:19:24,335 --> 00:19:26,632
How homelessness is the
biggest tragedy in America.
414
00:19:26,701 --> 00:19:28,099
Well, what have
you done to help?
415
00:19:28,167 --> 00:19:30,866
I work down at
the soup kitchen, Brian.
Never seen you down there.
416
00:19:30,934 --> 00:19:32,532
You want to help?
Grab a ladle!
417
00:19:32,600 --> 00:19:35,465
And by the way, driving
a Prius doesn't make
you Jesus Christ.
418
00:19:35,534 --> 00:19:38,632
Wait! You don't
believe in Jesus Christ or
any religion, for that matter,
419
00:19:38,701 --> 00:19:40,300
because religion
is for idiots!
420
00:19:40,368 --> 00:19:42,232
Well, who the hell are you
to talk down to anyone?
421
00:19:42,301 --> 00:19:43,699
You failed college twice,
422
00:19:43,768 --> 00:19:45,999
which isn't nearly as bad
as your failure as a father.
423
00:19:46,067 --> 00:19:47,565
How's that son of
yours you never see?
424
00:19:47,634 --> 00:19:50,266
But you know what?
I could forgive all
of that, all of it,
425
00:19:50,334 --> 00:19:54,232
if you weren't such a bore.
That's the worst of it, Brian.
426
00:19:54,301 --> 00:19:58,165
You're just a big,
sad, alcoholic bore!
427
00:19:58,234 --> 00:19:59,466
(SIGHS)
428
00:19:59,534 --> 00:20:02,298
I'll see you, Brian.
Thanks for the fucking steak.
429
00:20:06,935 --> 00:20:10,832
Boy, it sure is
nice having our house
to ourselves again, huh?
430
00:20:10,901 --> 00:20:12,198
Lois?
431
00:20:12,267 --> 00:20:15,298
Peter, sometimes you just
make me sick to my stomach.
432
00:20:15,367 --> 00:20:17,498
Look, I know you think Jerome
was a good guy, but...
433
00:20:17,567 --> 00:20:20,966
No. He was a good guy, Peter,
and I'm gonna prove it to you.
434
00:20:21,035 --> 00:20:24,565
And you're gonna feel
like a real jackass.
435
00:20:24,634 --> 00:20:27,331
What's that?
It's a gift for you.
436
00:20:27,400 --> 00:20:29,033
You don't deserve it,
but if anything,
437
00:20:29,100 --> 00:20:30,666
it's gonna wake you up
a little bit.
438
00:20:30,734 --> 00:20:34,832
Jerome got you
this as a thank you
for letting him stay here.
439
00:20:34,901 --> 00:20:37,833
It's an actual prop
from Family Ties.
440
00:20:37,901 --> 00:20:41,432
This is
one of Nick's
garbage sculptures.
441
00:20:41,501 --> 00:20:43,966
Yeah. Pretty thoughtful,
isn't it?
442
00:20:44,034 --> 00:20:46,966
Oh, boy, do I feel
like a jackass!
443
00:20:47,035 --> 00:20:51,298
Lois, I'm sorry. I just...
I let my jealousy get
the best of me.
444
00:20:51,367 --> 00:20:54,165
Jerome's such a cool guy.
And I guess I was worried
he was
445
00:20:54,233 --> 00:20:56,232
cool enough to steal you
away from me.
446
00:20:56,301 --> 00:20:58,466
You should know
better than that, Peter.
447
00:20:58,534 --> 00:21:01,066
Now, I think you
have an apology to make.
448
00:21:10,801 --> 00:21:13,732
Hey. You look like
you could use a pal.
449
00:21:14,300 --> 00:21:16,299
Oh. Hi, Peter.
450
00:21:16,368 --> 00:21:19,099
Look, I'm sorry
about how I acted.
451
00:21:19,167 --> 00:21:21,999
It's just
Lois means
everything to me.
452
00:21:22,067 --> 00:21:25,131
And when I saw you together,
I didn't know what was
gonna happen.
453
00:21:25,200 --> 00:21:26,866
I just thought you
might try to mount her
454
00:21:26,935 --> 00:21:28,532
or whatever
it is you guys do.
455
00:21:28,600 --> 00:21:30,832
Peter, how could
you even think that?
456
00:21:30,901 --> 00:21:33,033
I would never do anything
like that to you.
457
00:21:33,101 --> 00:21:35,298
You were my boy.
We were like family.
458
00:21:35,367 --> 00:21:39,698
Yeah, I know.
I messed up bad.
I'm really sorry, Jerome.
459
00:21:42,768 --> 00:21:44,699
We're cool, Peter.
We're cool.
460
00:21:44,768 --> 00:21:47,699
But, listen,
there is something
I got to fess up to.
461
00:21:47,768 --> 00:21:49,366
While I was
living with y'all,
462
00:21:49,434 --> 00:21:52,932
I had myself lots of
nasty-ass sex with Meg.
463
00:21:53,001 --> 00:21:54,699
I don't care about that.
464
00:21:59,134 --> 00:22:00,532
Hey, Brian.
How'd it go?
465
00:22:00,601 --> 00:22:01,799
Fine.
466
00:22:01,868 --> 00:22:03,999
Have you been crying?
What happened?
467
00:22:04,067 --> 00:22:06,465
It didn't work.
He still hates me.
468
00:22:06,534 --> 00:22:08,799
Do you want to
know something?
That's okay.
469
00:22:08,867 --> 00:22:10,432
You don't need
Quagmire to like you.
470
00:22:10,501 --> 00:22:14,499
You only need one
person to like you,
and that person is you.
471
00:22:14,567 --> 00:22:17,299
And I'll tell you
something else.
I like you.
472
00:22:17,367 --> 00:22:18,865
Thanks.
473
00:22:18,934 --> 00:22:20,499
You want to
sleep in my room?
474
00:22:20,567 --> 00:22:22,099
Yeah. That'd be nice.
475
00:22:24,300 --> 00:22:26,332
Good night, Brian.
Good night, Stewie.
476
00:22:29,068 --> 00:22:31,099
(BRIAN FARTING)
477
00:22:31,168 --> 00:22:33,732
STEWIE: Oh, come on, man.
478
00:23:10,500 --> 00:23:11,498
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