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00:00:03,234 --> 00:00:05,899
♪ It seems today
that all you see
2
00:00:05,967 --> 00:00:09,264
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
3
00:00:09,333 --> 00:00:12,865
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values
4
00:00:12,934 --> 00:00:15,932
♪ On which we used to rely?
5
00:00:16,001 --> 00:00:19,231
♪ Lucky there's a family guy
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00:00:19,300 --> 00:00:22,565
♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do
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♪ All the things
that make us
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00:00:24,200 --> 00:00:25,899
♪ Laugh and cry
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00:00:25,967 --> 00:00:30,932
♪ He's a family guy ♪
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00:00:36,001 --> 00:00:39,499
ANNOUNCER ON TV: And now
our feature presentation,
Lawrence of Arabia,
11
00:00:39,567 --> 00:00:43,032
presented in its original,
ultra-cinemascope
letterbox format.
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00:00:43,100 --> 00:00:45,598
(LAWRENCE OF ARABIA THEME
PLAYING)
13
00:00:45,667 --> 00:00:47,199
LOIS: Well,
I can't see anything.
14
00:00:47,268 --> 00:00:49,366
STEWIE: Who's the
rather attractive
girl on the camel?
15
00:00:49,435 --> 00:00:50,565
BRIAN: That's
Peter O'Toole.
16
00:00:50,633 --> 00:00:52,299
PETER: You film buffs
might enjoy this.
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00:00:52,368 --> 00:00:55,999
Both his first
and last names are
slang for "penis."
18
00:00:56,067 --> 00:00:58,565
We interrupt this program
to bring you exciting news.
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00:00:58,633 --> 00:01:01,032
Family Feud will be
coming to Quahog.
20
00:01:01,101 --> 00:01:03,665
Auditions are
being held tomorrow
at the Civic Center.
21
00:01:03,733 --> 00:01:07,132
Also, six million
German Jews
suddenly show up.
22
00:01:07,201 --> 00:01:09,132
Find out where
they've been at 11:00.
23
00:01:09,200 --> 00:01:11,166
Family Feud's
coming to Quahog?
24
00:01:11,235 --> 00:01:12,631
Peter, we should
try out.
25
00:01:12,700 --> 00:01:15,364
A family can win
$5,000 on that show.
26
00:01:15,433 --> 00:01:17,165
$5,000?
27
00:01:17,234 --> 00:01:19,499
I could get that cave
for the front yard
I've always wanted,
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00:01:19,567 --> 00:01:21,066
and then tell people
not to go in there.
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(KIDS LAUGHING)
30
00:01:23,300 --> 00:01:24,898
Hey, you kids
stay out of that cave!
31
00:01:24,967 --> 00:01:27,532
You don't know
what's in there!
32
00:01:27,600 --> 00:01:29,798
(SIGHS)
Money well spent.
33
00:01:34,534 --> 00:01:36,532
We're looking for fun,
interesting families
34
00:01:36,600 --> 00:01:37,965
that viewers will
want to watch.
35
00:01:38,034 --> 00:01:39,665
You folks have any
interesting stories?
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00:01:39,734 --> 00:01:42,265
Lois, tell him about
the whole stitches thing
when Chris was born.
37
00:01:42,334 --> 00:01:43,565
Never mind,
I'll tell it.
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00:01:43,634 --> 00:01:46,065
Lois' vagina was so wrecked
they had to sew it up,
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00:01:46,134 --> 00:01:48,032
open up a new vagina
right next to it.
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00:01:48,101 --> 00:01:49,599
You know, kind of like
when they build a new bridge
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00:01:49,667 --> 00:01:51,298
next to the old bridge,
and you're like,
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00:01:51,367 --> 00:01:54,032
"Wow, I can't believe
I used to use the old one.
Looks so unsafe."
43
00:01:54,100 --> 00:01:55,431
All right,
enough clowning around.
44
00:01:55,500 --> 00:01:57,166
Let's talk turkey.
We want to play the Feud.
45
00:01:57,234 --> 00:01:58,565
Well, you're in luck.
46
00:01:58,634 --> 00:02:00,899
The other family
we've chosen has
three daughters,
47
00:02:00,967 --> 00:02:03,966
so we're picking you
because you have three sons.
48
00:02:04,034 --> 00:02:05,999
But I'm not...
Shut up, "Greg."
49
00:02:09,266 --> 00:02:13,165
ANNOUNCER: It's time
for the Family Feud.
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00:02:13,234 --> 00:02:17,098
Introducing
the Callaghan Family,
ready for action.
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00:02:17,166 --> 00:02:18,865
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
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00:02:18,934 --> 00:02:20,865
And the Griffin Family.
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00:02:20,934 --> 00:02:27,564
On your marks,
let's start
the Family Feud!
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00:02:27,633 --> 00:02:31,732
With the star
of Family Feud,
Richard Dawson!
55
00:02:31,800 --> 00:02:34,698
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Oh, you're lovely.
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00:02:34,767 --> 00:02:36,098
I haven't heard
that much applause
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00:02:36,167 --> 00:02:39,065
since Bob Crane premiered
his home movies in my closet.
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00:02:39,134 --> 00:02:41,232
(PETER LAUGHS)
All right,
let's play the Feud.
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00:02:44,334 --> 00:02:46,699
One hundred people surveyed,
top four answers on the board.
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00:02:46,767 --> 00:02:47,832
Here's the question.
61
00:02:47,900 --> 00:02:50,199
Name something you find
in your bathroom.
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00:02:50,267 --> 00:02:51,431
(BUZZER SOUNDING)
63
00:02:51,501 --> 00:02:53,265
A sink.
Show us "sink!"
64
00:02:56,333 --> 00:02:58,632
Peter, three answers
on the board that
can beat that.
65
00:02:58,700 --> 00:03:01,632
Name something you find
in your bathroom.
66
00:03:01,700 --> 00:03:04,932
Find in your bathroom,
find in your bathroom...
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00:03:05,001 --> 00:03:07,266
Richard, I'm gonna go with
"fetus in the toilet bowl."
68
00:03:07,334 --> 00:03:09,165
Show us "fetus in
the toilet bowl!"
69
00:03:11,500 --> 00:03:13,199
Play or pass?
We're gonna play.
70
00:03:14,567 --> 00:03:16,631
Oh, this must be
your lovely wife.
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00:03:18,701 --> 00:03:22,532
(CHUCKLES) Uh-uh.
I've been waiting
for this for years.
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(MOANING)
73
00:03:26,868 --> 00:03:29,631
I want you to wear me
like a pinky ring.
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00:03:31,767 --> 00:03:35,431
Okay, Lois, name something
you find in your bathroom.
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00:03:35,500 --> 00:03:37,332
Okay, how about
"bathtub"?
76
00:03:38,667 --> 00:03:41,665
(ALL CHEERING)
77
00:03:41,733 --> 00:03:44,498
Okay, name something
you find in your bathroom.
78
00:03:45,867 --> 00:03:48,832
A razor blade
and a note?
79
00:03:48,900 --> 00:03:50,531
(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS
IN DISAPPOINTMENT)
80
00:03:50,600 --> 00:03:53,098
Ooh, that's a strike.
Can't do anything but
take that personally.
81
00:03:53,167 --> 00:03:56,032
Young Chris Griffin.
So, what are your
hobbies, Chris?
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Masturbating.
83
00:03:57,201 --> 00:03:58,465
We should form a club.
84
00:03:58,534 --> 00:04:01,432
All right, name something
you find in your bathroom.
85
00:04:01,500 --> 00:04:03,366
Me, masturbating.
86
00:04:03,434 --> 00:04:05,532
All right, show me
"him, masturbating."
87
00:04:07,467 --> 00:04:09,231
(ALL CHEERING)
88
00:04:14,601 --> 00:04:16,632
All right, you've got
two strikes, Callaghans.
89
00:04:16,701 --> 00:04:20,032
Name something
you'd like to
receive as a gift.
90
00:04:20,100 --> 00:04:22,132
Candy?
Show me "candy!"
91
00:04:23,500 --> 00:04:25,032
(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS
IN DISAPPOINTMENT)
92
00:04:25,100 --> 00:04:27,832
Wait. We're out?
You said if I slept
with you...
93
00:04:27,900 --> 00:04:30,099
All right, Griffins,
here's your chance
to win the game.
94
00:04:30,167 --> 00:04:33,099
Name something
you'd like to
receive as a gift.
95
00:04:33,167 --> 00:04:34,565
Groceries!
Assorted lotions!
96
00:04:34,634 --> 00:04:35,865
An Uzi!
A dead squirrel!
97
00:04:35,934 --> 00:04:38,032
Money!
All right, good answer,
good answer!
98
00:04:38,101 --> 00:04:39,632
Very good!
Good answer!
Bingo!
99
00:04:39,700 --> 00:04:41,832
Well, Richard,
my family seems to think
money's the way to go,
100
00:04:41,900 --> 00:04:44,832
so I'm gonna go
with the flute that
Captain Picard played,
101
00:04:44,900 --> 00:04:47,065
first in his imagination
and then in real life,
102
00:04:47,134 --> 00:04:48,465
in the episode
"The Inner Light"
103
00:04:48,534 --> 00:04:50,198
from Star Trek:
The Next Generation.
104
00:04:50,267 --> 00:04:52,832
What? No, you idiot!
We said "money!"
105
00:04:52,900 --> 00:04:54,166
Show me "Picard's flute!"
106
00:04:58,967 --> 00:05:00,665
Peter, how did you...
I was in the survey.
107
00:05:00,733 --> 00:05:02,898
Can you believe it?
We're going to
the bonus round!
108
00:05:06,034 --> 00:05:08,132
Okay, Lois,
15 seconds on the clock.
109
00:05:08,201 --> 00:05:09,766
Name something
you sit in.
110
00:05:09,834 --> 00:05:11,232
A chair.
My own feces.
111
00:05:11,301 --> 00:05:12,699
Name a popular fruit.
112
00:05:12,768 --> 00:05:13,799
Orange.
Clay Aiken.
113
00:05:13,868 --> 00:05:15,199
Something in your closet.
114
00:05:15,268 --> 00:05:16,399
Shoes.
Scary monsters.
115
00:05:16,467 --> 00:05:17,732
Your favorite holiday.
116
00:05:17,801 --> 00:05:18,866
Christmas.
9/11.
117
00:05:18,934 --> 00:05:20,799
Something you do
on the weekends.
118
00:05:20,868 --> 00:05:22,399
Go to church.
Black guys.
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00:05:24,667 --> 00:05:27,498
All right,
"Something you sit in."
You said, "Chair."
120
00:05:27,567 --> 00:05:28,565
Survey said...
121
00:05:30,201 --> 00:05:32,832
Wait a sec.
I said "feces."
Where's my answer?
122
00:05:32,900 --> 00:05:34,765
You're just
going to pretend
I'm not here, huh?
123
00:05:34,834 --> 00:05:37,965
Just like
Robin Williams' agent
pretends he's still funny.
124
00:05:38,034 --> 00:05:39,166
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
125
00:05:39,235 --> 00:05:41,199
Hello?
Hey, Phil,
it's Robin Williams.
126
00:05:41,268 --> 00:05:43,598
(LAUGHING)
That's hilarious!
127
00:05:43,667 --> 00:05:46,199
I just wanted to make sure
the meeting is still on
for 2:30 tomorrow.
128
00:05:46,268 --> 00:05:47,999
Otherwise, I gotta go
to that Chinese dentist.
129
00:05:48,068 --> 00:05:49,132
Get it?
Tooth hurty?
130
00:05:49,201 --> 00:05:52,199
(LAUGHING)
You son of a bitch!
131
00:05:52,268 --> 00:05:53,531
I had a mouthful
of coffee!
132
00:05:53,600 --> 00:05:56,199
God, you are funny,
and that is real!
133
00:05:56,268 --> 00:05:57,932
Okay, Peter,
Lois did great.
134
00:05:58,001 --> 00:06:00,732
You only need
one point to win
the $5,000.
135
00:06:00,801 --> 00:06:03,865
Twenty seconds.
Name something
you sit in.
136
00:06:03,934 --> 00:06:05,899
Chair.
Try again.
137
00:06:05,967 --> 00:06:07,099
Big chair.
138
00:06:07,168 --> 00:06:09,065
No, that's
the same thing.
Try again.
139
00:06:09,134 --> 00:06:11,832
High chair.
That's still a chair.
140
00:06:11,901 --> 00:06:13,765
Chair.
Say something
other than "chair."
141
00:06:13,834 --> 00:06:15,799
What if I can't
think of anything?
You can pass.
142
00:06:15,867 --> 00:06:17,132
How do I pass?
Just say it.
143
00:06:17,201 --> 00:06:19,531
Say what?
Say "pass."
144
00:06:19,600 --> 00:06:21,165
Chair.
(BUZZER SOUNDING)
145
00:06:21,234 --> 00:06:23,832
I'm sorry, your time
is up, and you didn't
score enough points.
146
00:06:23,901 --> 00:06:25,099
But thank you
for playing.
147
00:06:25,167 --> 00:06:26,965
What, that's it?
We lose?
148
00:06:27,034 --> 00:06:29,432
I'm afraid so,
but we enjoyed
having you here.
149
00:06:29,501 --> 00:06:32,331
You son of a bitch!
What about my cave
in the yard?
150
00:06:32,400 --> 00:06:33,965
What about my cave
in the yard?
151
00:06:34,034 --> 00:06:35,332
Get your hands off me.
152
00:06:35,400 --> 00:06:37,565
I served in the
fictitious military.
153
00:06:38,901 --> 00:06:41,498
Peter! Oh, my God,
are you all right?
154
00:06:42,968 --> 00:06:46,698
What happened?
Where am I?
Who are you?
155
00:06:46,767 --> 00:06:48,233
I'm Lois.
156
00:06:48,300 --> 00:06:51,166
Lois who?
Who the hell am I?
157
00:06:51,600 --> 00:06:52,732
Uh-oh.
158
00:07:16,234 --> 00:07:18,966
Mrs. Griffin,
I'm afraid your
husband has amnesia.
159
00:07:19,034 --> 00:07:21,233
Oh, my God!
Is it permanent?
160
00:07:21,300 --> 00:07:22,732
Well, there's
no telling for sure.
161
00:07:22,801 --> 00:07:26,632
His memory could
return in days, weeks,
years, or never.
162
00:07:26,700 --> 00:07:27,765
Or weeks.
163
00:07:30,600 --> 00:07:33,465
Peter, I want you
to meet your family.
164
00:07:33,534 --> 00:07:35,632
You're my family?
165
00:07:35,700 --> 00:07:38,365
That's right.
These are your children.
166
00:07:38,434 --> 00:07:41,364
Dad, I'm Chris.
I'm your son.
167
00:07:41,433 --> 00:07:43,032
Never seen you
before in my life.
168
00:07:43,100 --> 00:07:45,598
Wow, then
I must be invisible!
169
00:07:47,800 --> 00:07:50,366
Hey, everybody,
I'm invisible!
170
00:07:50,435 --> 00:07:53,199
HERBERT: Oh, no,
you're not!
Hot diggity!
171
00:07:54,501 --> 00:07:56,731
This is Meg,
your daughter.
D'oh!
172
00:07:56,800 --> 00:07:58,765
No, Peter, that's not
your catchphrase.
173
00:07:58,833 --> 00:07:59,865
Oh.
174
00:07:59,933 --> 00:08:02,498
Sorry, I just don't
remember anything.
175
00:08:02,567 --> 00:08:05,231
Dad, this is your
baby and your dog.
176
00:08:05,300 --> 00:08:06,665
He doesn't remember us.
177
00:08:06,734 --> 00:08:08,532
It's an opportunity
to come up with
our own names.
178
00:08:08,600 --> 00:08:10,365
I'm Tomax
and this is Xamot.
179
00:08:10,434 --> 00:08:12,465
We're twins who can
feel each other's pain.
180
00:08:12,534 --> 00:08:13,999
Ow!
181
00:08:14,067 --> 00:08:17,099
No, Brian,
I'm supposed to say, "Ow!"
You ruin everything!
182
00:08:17,167 --> 00:08:18,199
Ow.
183
00:08:21,268 --> 00:08:23,165
All right, Peter,
we're gonna try
to jog your memory
184
00:08:23,234 --> 00:08:25,065
with some old videotapes
of the family.
185
00:08:25,133 --> 00:08:26,932
Boy, you got
a lot of tapes here.
186
00:08:27,001 --> 00:08:29,265
I kind of want to watch
some of these instead.
187
00:08:29,334 --> 00:08:30,665
Pretty Woman?
What's that?
188
00:08:30,734 --> 00:08:32,131
It's just a movie
from the '80s.
189
00:08:32,200 --> 00:08:33,932
Oh, my God,
we gotta watch this.
190
00:08:34,001 --> 00:08:35,332
Look what they're
saying about it.
191
00:08:35,401 --> 00:08:38,232
"As funny as it is touching.
Gene Shalit."
192
00:08:38,301 --> 00:08:42,265
"I stood up and cheered,
'Go, Julia, go!' Joel Siegel."
193
00:08:42,334 --> 00:08:45,499
"This movie made me
laugh so hard I had
mild headaches,
194
00:08:45,567 --> 00:08:48,132
"so I went to the doctor
and got myself checked out.
195
00:08:48,201 --> 00:08:50,832
"I'm currently
awaiting results.
Gene Siskel."
196
00:08:50,901 --> 00:08:53,165
Everyone seems to love this.
We gotta watch it!
197
00:08:53,233 --> 00:08:54,765
We'll watch it
later, Peter.
198
00:08:54,834 --> 00:08:57,398
I want to show you
one of the most
special times
199
00:08:57,467 --> 00:09:00,966
of your life and mine,
our honeymoon.
200
00:09:09,867 --> 00:09:11,432
LOIS ON TV: I think
you've had enough, Peter.
201
00:09:11,500 --> 00:09:13,832
PETER ON TV:
You don't know.
Get away!
202
00:09:13,901 --> 00:09:15,965
I know my body
better than you!
203
00:09:17,634 --> 00:09:19,032
Is that us?
204
00:09:19,101 --> 00:09:21,465
Yes, Peter.
You were so handsome,
205
00:09:21,534 --> 00:09:23,599
and it was such
a wonderful week.
206
00:09:25,034 --> 00:09:27,398
Hey, buddy, I think
that girl likes me.
207
00:09:27,467 --> 00:09:29,598
Of course she does.
She's your wife.
208
00:09:29,667 --> 00:09:31,166
Do you like her?
209
00:09:31,234 --> 00:09:32,865
I don't know!
210
00:09:32,934 --> 00:09:34,332
(GIGGLES NERVOUSLY)
211
00:09:35,134 --> 00:09:36,199
(SIGHS)
212
00:09:36,268 --> 00:09:38,565
You know,
this isn't gonna
be easy, you guys.
213
00:09:38,634 --> 00:09:41,665
We're gonna have to
re-teach your father
everything he's forgotten.
214
00:09:41,734 --> 00:09:43,632
Hey, have you heard
this awesome new song?
215
00:09:43,700 --> 00:09:45,032
No!
216
00:09:45,100 --> 00:09:46,965
♪ A-well-a bird, bird, bird
B-bird's the word
217
00:09:47,034 --> 00:09:49,599
♪ A-well-a bird, bird, bird
B-bird's the word,
a-well-a... ♪
218
00:09:52,534 --> 00:09:54,531
This is called
a telephone, Peter.
219
00:09:54,601 --> 00:09:57,164
You use it to talk
to people who aren't
in the house.
220
00:09:57,233 --> 00:09:58,632
There are others?
221
00:09:58,701 --> 00:10:01,298
Yes, there are over
six billion people
in the world.
222
00:10:01,366 --> 00:10:03,999
Here, I'll show you.
We'll call my parents.
223
00:10:04,801 --> 00:10:06,899
CARTER: Hello?
Hello.
224
00:10:06,968 --> 00:10:08,466
Who's this?
Who's this?
225
00:10:08,534 --> 00:10:09,699
Carter. Who's this?
226
00:10:09,767 --> 00:10:11,432
I don't know.
227
00:10:11,501 --> 00:10:13,499
Do you have
my OxyContin?
What?
228
00:10:13,567 --> 00:10:14,632
Are you the guy?
229
00:10:14,701 --> 00:10:15,866
I'm a guy.
230
00:10:15,934 --> 00:10:17,032
I want my drugs.
231
00:10:17,101 --> 00:10:19,065
What are drugs?
232
00:10:19,134 --> 00:10:20,699
I don't think this is
the call I was expecting.
233
00:10:20,767 --> 00:10:21,765
(DIAL TONE)
234
00:10:24,300 --> 00:10:26,932
Now, Peter,
this is your silverware.
235
00:10:27,000 --> 00:10:29,632
You see,
this is your fork,
and this is a knife.
236
00:10:29,701 --> 00:10:33,166
That's not a knife.
That's a knife.
237
00:10:33,234 --> 00:10:35,032
This is also a knife.
238
00:10:35,101 --> 00:10:38,432
Oh. Well,
I'll be on my way.
239
00:10:38,500 --> 00:10:41,498
I want to see
more of him, and then
suddenly none of him.
240
00:10:41,567 --> 00:10:42,932
Forever.
241
00:10:43,001 --> 00:10:44,365
(TIRES SCREECHING)
242
00:10:48,233 --> 00:10:50,198
All right, you know what?
This is not working.
243
00:10:50,266 --> 00:10:53,565
If you're gonna learn
to drive, you're gonna
have to practice first.
244
00:10:53,633 --> 00:10:55,798
Here, play
Grand Theft Auto
for eight hours,
245
00:10:55,867 --> 00:10:58,533
and then we'll
give it another try.
246
00:11:14,934 --> 00:11:16,199
Stewie, what's wrong?
247
00:11:16,267 --> 00:11:17,498
(WHIMPERING)
248
00:11:17,567 --> 00:11:20,832
The fat man.
He changed
my diaper.
249
00:11:20,900 --> 00:11:21,932
So?
250
00:11:22,000 --> 00:11:27,298
Brian, he put it
up inside.
251
00:11:27,367 --> 00:11:29,065
Oh, God.
252
00:11:29,134 --> 00:11:32,965
Look, he didn't know what
he was doing. He's still
without his memory.
253
00:11:33,034 --> 00:11:35,565
How am I going
to get it out?
254
00:11:35,634 --> 00:11:39,765
I'd have to poop
a diaper into a diaper.
255
00:11:39,834 --> 00:11:41,898
That's how you end up
in another dimension.
256
00:11:41,967 --> 00:11:43,165
Gee, that's rough.
257
00:11:43,233 --> 00:11:45,532
I need a friend, Brian,
258
00:11:45,601 --> 00:11:49,432
like I've never
needed a friend before.
259
00:11:49,501 --> 00:11:51,232
Damn it.
All right, all right,
I'll take it out.
260
00:11:51,300 --> 00:11:54,899
Oh, God. That smells
like the food foreign guys
reheat at work.
261
00:11:56,100 --> 00:11:58,932
Oh, God.
What is that smell?
262
00:11:59,001 --> 00:12:01,598
Did somebody light
a box of Band-Aids
on fire?
263
00:12:01,667 --> 00:12:03,532
(MICROWAVE DINGING)
264
00:12:03,600 --> 00:12:06,132
Would anyone like
to try my gingbok?
265
00:12:11,768 --> 00:12:13,531
So, you guys are
my best friends,
266
00:12:13,600 --> 00:12:14,999
and this is
where we hang out?
267
00:12:15,068 --> 00:12:17,498
That's right.
I'm Quagmire,
and this is Joe.
268
00:12:17,567 --> 00:12:18,932
So, what do we do here?
269
00:12:19,001 --> 00:12:21,133
Well, we usually
come here,
you buy us drinks
270
00:12:21,201 --> 00:12:23,066
and tell us what
Lois' nipples
look like,
271
00:12:23,135 --> 00:12:25,465
like you always do.
Giggity Giggity.
272
00:12:25,533 --> 00:12:27,431
Yeah, but first you
usually go over there
273
00:12:27,500 --> 00:12:30,531
and pull down that
blonde waitress' top.
274
00:12:31,367 --> 00:12:33,465
(WOMAN SCREAMS)
(SLAP)
275
00:12:33,534 --> 00:12:35,266
She screamed,
so I had to slap her.
276
00:12:40,434 --> 00:12:41,732
Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.
277
00:12:41,800 --> 00:12:43,798
Get nude. Get nude.
Please get nude.
278
00:12:43,867 --> 00:12:44,999
Please get nude.
279
00:12:45,068 --> 00:12:47,032
Peter, you don't
have to spy on me.
280
00:12:47,101 --> 00:12:49,865
You're my husband.
Come on in.
281
00:12:49,934 --> 00:12:52,765
Oh, boy, no fooling?
Oh, boy!
282
00:12:52,833 --> 00:12:55,265
Wait a minute.
Something's happening
in my pants.
283
00:12:55,333 --> 00:12:56,531
In the front this time.
284
00:12:56,600 --> 00:12:58,232
That's all right, Peter.
285
00:12:58,300 --> 00:13:00,132
It just means
you're excited.
286
00:13:00,201 --> 00:13:03,564
That's the way it's
supposed to be between
a husband and wife.
287
00:13:03,633 --> 00:13:05,564
It means you want
to make love.
288
00:13:05,633 --> 00:13:08,365
But I forget
how to make love.
289
00:13:08,433 --> 00:13:09,698
(SHUSHING)
290
00:13:09,767 --> 00:13:12,364
That's okay.
I'll show you.
291
00:13:12,433 --> 00:13:13,999
Just follow my lead.
292
00:13:14,068 --> 00:13:15,932
(FEELS LIKE THE FIRST TIME
PLAYING)
293
00:13:16,001 --> 00:13:20,365
♪ It feels like
the first time
294
00:13:20,434 --> 00:13:23,498
♪ Feels like
the very first time ♪
295
00:13:40,134 --> 00:13:42,333
(BOTH MOANING)
296
00:13:42,401 --> 00:13:45,498
Wow! That was what
they call sex?
297
00:13:45,567 --> 00:13:47,366
Yes, it was, Peter.
298
00:13:47,435 --> 00:13:49,765
Can we do it again?
Can we?
299
00:13:49,834 --> 00:13:55,133
Wow! You're as excited
as a porcupine
meeting a pineapple.
300
00:13:55,201 --> 00:13:58,465
Hey, good-looking.
Where have you
been all my life?
301
00:13:58,533 --> 00:14:00,698
(CHUCKLING)
302
00:14:05,734 --> 00:14:07,965
Morning, nice people
who I still don't know
your names
303
00:14:08,034 --> 00:14:09,231
and who mean
nothing to me.
304
00:14:09,300 --> 00:14:11,831
I certainly hope
that doesn't apply to me,
305
00:14:11,900 --> 00:14:13,965
especially
after last night.
306
00:14:14,034 --> 00:14:15,798
You got a point there,
hot stuff.
307
00:14:15,867 --> 00:14:18,932
And if sex with the rest
of you is half as good
as it was with her,
308
00:14:19,001 --> 00:14:21,899
then I think we're all
gonna get along just fine.
309
00:14:21,968 --> 00:14:23,366
Yay!
310
00:14:23,434 --> 00:14:25,898
What? No, no, Peter,
you can't have sex
with the kids.
311
00:14:25,967 --> 00:14:28,665
I wish you'd told him that
before he lost his memory.
312
00:14:28,734 --> 00:14:29,898
(ALL GASPING)
313
00:14:29,967 --> 00:14:32,731
It was a joke!
I was just
making a joke.
314
00:14:32,800 --> 00:14:34,498
That's your
sense of humor?
315
00:14:34,567 --> 00:14:36,865
I was just kidding. God!
316
00:14:36,933 --> 00:14:38,165
Meg, that's awful.
317
00:14:38,233 --> 00:14:40,098
Jeez, you open
your mouth for
a joke once,
318
00:14:40,167 --> 00:14:41,565
and that's what
you come up with?
319
00:14:41,634 --> 00:14:42,665
That's messed up, Meg.
320
00:14:42,733 --> 00:14:44,032
I was just trying
to be funny.
321
00:14:44,101 --> 00:14:46,065
That wasn't funny.
That was just dark.
322
00:14:46,133 --> 00:14:47,565
Yeah, that's your father.
323
00:14:47,634 --> 00:14:49,798
Get out, Meg!
Get out of the kitchen!
324
00:14:49,867 --> 00:14:52,199
Go on! Get out!
Out! Out! Out!
325
00:14:52,267 --> 00:14:55,265
Out of the kitchen!
Go on! Get out of here!
326
00:14:55,333 --> 00:14:56,531
(CHUCKLES)
327
00:15:00,767 --> 00:15:03,631
Peter, there you are.
I've been waiting.
328
00:15:03,700 --> 00:15:05,032
You ready
to have sex?
329
00:15:05,100 --> 00:15:07,898
You bet. Move over,
so Tiffani and I have room.
330
00:15:07,967 --> 00:15:09,798
What? Who the hell
is she?
331
00:15:09,867 --> 00:15:11,798
She's the woman
I'm gonna have
sex with tonight.
332
00:15:11,867 --> 00:15:14,699
And don't worry about
getting me pregnant.
I'm already pregnant.
333
00:15:14,767 --> 00:15:16,399
Peter, what's the
matter with you?
334
00:15:16,468 --> 00:15:18,732
You can't just have sex
with some random woman!
335
00:15:18,801 --> 00:15:19,866
Why the hell not?
336
00:15:19,934 --> 00:15:21,532
Because we're married!
337
00:15:21,601 --> 00:15:24,299
Well, I'm sorry,
but I don't remember
marrying anybody.
338
00:15:24,368 --> 00:15:26,799
Why the hell would
I commit to having
sex with one person
339
00:15:26,868 --> 00:15:28,199
for the rest
of my life?
340
00:15:28,267 --> 00:15:30,065
Because we love
each other.
341
00:15:30,134 --> 00:15:31,866
That's part of
being a family.
342
00:15:31,934 --> 00:15:34,399
It means being
responsible
and faithful.
343
00:15:34,467 --> 00:15:36,231
Well, that doesn't
sound very fun.
344
00:15:36,300 --> 00:15:38,199
Well, if that's
how you feel,
345
00:15:38,267 --> 00:15:40,565
then we no longer
have a family.
346
00:15:40,634 --> 00:15:41,899
Boy, I'm glad
you said it.
347
00:15:41,967 --> 00:15:44,332
But this is my house,
and I'm not going anywhere.
348
00:15:44,401 --> 00:15:45,732
You don't have to.
349
00:15:45,801 --> 00:15:48,532
I'm leaving,
and I'm taking
the kids with me.
350
00:15:51,134 --> 00:15:53,032
That's a beautiful necklace
you're wearing, Tiffani.
351
00:15:53,101 --> 00:15:54,698
Thank you.
352
00:15:54,767 --> 00:15:56,065
Is that what you do
with your Saved by
the Bell money?
353
00:16:04,367 --> 00:16:07,332
Mom, I don't want to live
in a tiny, gross apartment.
354
00:16:07,400 --> 00:16:09,965
Well, I'm sorry, honey,
but we don't have a choice.
355
00:16:10,034 --> 00:16:12,065
Your father doesn't
remember his life,
356
00:16:12,134 --> 00:16:14,165
and he doesn't want us
to be a part of it,
357
00:16:14,234 --> 00:16:15,999
so we've just
got to move on.
358
00:16:16,067 --> 00:16:18,432
This is disgusting.
I shouldn't be here.
359
00:16:18,501 --> 00:16:20,165
A baby doesn't belong
in the inner city
360
00:16:20,234 --> 00:16:22,231
any more than a baby
belongs on a plane.
361
00:16:22,300 --> 00:16:23,565
(CRYING)
362
00:16:23,633 --> 00:16:26,265
(SHUSHING)
It's gonna be okay.
Gonna be okay.
363
00:16:26,333 --> 00:16:29,098
FLIGHT ATTENDANT:
Our in-flight movie
this evening is Hancock.
364
00:16:29,167 --> 00:16:31,665
(BOTH CRYING)
365
00:16:35,133 --> 00:16:37,432
(ROCK MUSIC BLARING)
366
00:16:37,501 --> 00:16:39,065
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
367
00:16:44,034 --> 00:16:45,565
Peter, what the hell
is all this?
368
00:16:45,633 --> 00:16:48,233
Well, I'm a bachelor,
so I invited a bunch
of people over,
369
00:16:48,301 --> 00:16:51,132
and now I'm waiting
for them to leave.
That's what bachelors do.
370
00:16:51,201 --> 00:16:52,899
Peter, I'm interested
in the redhead
371
00:16:52,967 --> 00:16:54,465
with the wooden arms
and legs over there.
372
00:16:54,534 --> 00:16:55,665
You think you could
introduce me?
373
00:16:55,734 --> 00:16:57,032
That's a table, Seamus.
374
00:16:57,101 --> 00:16:58,499
Don't point at her.
Don't point.
She's looking.
375
00:16:58,567 --> 00:17:01,698
Oh, great.
Now I gotta go in.
Hey, I'm Seamus.
376
00:17:01,767 --> 00:17:04,732
Man, I'm telling you,
this party is
on the hook, man.
377
00:17:04,801 --> 00:17:06,331
You said it, friend.
378
00:17:06,400 --> 00:17:08,099
Don't let me near
cassette player,
379
00:17:08,168 --> 00:17:09,899
or I will be
disc jockey all night.
380
00:17:09,967 --> 00:17:11,398
Where is the alcoholic?
381
00:17:11,466 --> 00:17:13,099
I will guzzle
four hectoliters,
382
00:17:13,168 --> 00:17:16,132
and that will
very quickly get me
to the buzzers.
383
00:17:16,200 --> 00:17:19,598
You're crazy.
Your head is on
sidewards, man.
384
00:17:19,667 --> 00:17:21,832
Peter, you left
your family for this?
385
00:17:21,901 --> 00:17:23,665
Look, I don't know
what I was doing before,
386
00:17:23,734 --> 00:17:25,798
but this is the way
man was meant to live.
387
00:17:25,868 --> 00:17:28,365
I just know it.
Check it out.
388
00:17:28,433 --> 00:17:29,899
(BOTH MOANING)
389
00:17:29,967 --> 00:17:31,732
Don't you miss
your family?
390
00:17:31,800 --> 00:17:33,298
What, that lady
and those kids?
391
00:17:33,367 --> 00:17:35,298
I don't even remember them.
How could I miss them?
392
00:17:35,366 --> 00:17:36,665
I almost don't want
to ask you out
393
00:17:36,734 --> 00:17:37,965
because I know
you're gonna say no.
394
00:17:38,034 --> 00:17:40,366
You want to go out?
No? Okay.
395
00:17:45,734 --> 00:17:47,299
Giggity.
396
00:17:48,534 --> 00:17:51,965
Giggity.
397
00:17:52,034 --> 00:17:55,465
(MIMICKING JAWS THEME) Gi-gi,
gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi,
gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi,
398
00:17:55,534 --> 00:17:57,198
gi-gi, gi-gi,
gi-gi, gi-gi,
399
00:17:57,266 --> 00:17:59,499
gi-gi, gi-gi,
gi-gi, gi-gi,
gi-gi, giggity!
400
00:18:00,967 --> 00:18:02,832
Lois! Oh, my gosh! Hi!
401
00:18:02,901 --> 00:18:05,065
Oh, hi, Quagmire.
What a surprise.
402
00:18:05,134 --> 00:18:06,565
I know, right?
403
00:18:06,634 --> 00:18:08,265
Gosh, you know,
I was just picking up
a couple of hams
404
00:18:08,334 --> 00:18:10,665
to take down
to the shelter, and
here I run into you,
405
00:18:10,734 --> 00:18:12,698
buying food
to make dinner
for your husband.
406
00:18:12,767 --> 00:18:14,799
No, actually, Glenn,
maybe you haven't heard,
407
00:18:14,867 --> 00:18:17,632
but Peter and I
aren't together anymore.
408
00:18:17,701 --> 00:18:20,032
What? Why?
409
00:18:20,101 --> 00:18:22,565
It's a long story.
You don't want to
hear about it.
410
00:18:22,634 --> 00:18:24,899
Shut your face.
I want to hear
all about it.
411
00:18:24,967 --> 00:18:26,798
But listen, I got
all this shopping
to do,
412
00:18:26,867 --> 00:18:28,665
so you want to stop by
tomorrow night?
413
00:18:28,734 --> 00:18:30,132
I'll just whip
something up.
414
00:18:30,200 --> 00:18:31,232
Well, sure.
415
00:18:31,300 --> 00:18:35,298
You know,
that sounds nice, Glenn.
416
00:18:35,367 --> 00:18:37,499
Holy smokes,
this is a sure thing.
417
00:18:37,567 --> 00:18:39,032
Like the end of
a Mexican wedding.
418
00:18:40,800 --> 00:18:42,466
(ALL CHEERING)
419
00:18:48,800 --> 00:18:50,499
Crap, we're out of milk.
420
00:18:50,567 --> 00:18:52,565
I'm gonna run next
door to the airport
and get some.
421
00:18:52,634 --> 00:18:54,965
Hey, when you're
over there, can you
get some rodent traps?
422
00:18:55,034 --> 00:18:57,932
We got a giant mutant rat
living under the sink.
423
00:18:58,000 --> 00:19:00,565
I'm just gonna
hide under the sink
till y'all go to sleep,
424
00:19:00,634 --> 00:19:04,565
then I'm gonna
come out and make
my poops in your Kix.
425
00:19:04,634 --> 00:19:06,932
Hey, Stewie, is Lois
back yet? I've been trying
to get a hold of her.
426
00:19:07,001 --> 00:19:09,299
She went to Quagmire's
for dinner.
What?
427
00:19:13,600 --> 00:19:15,632
That was a delicious
dinner, Glenn.
428
00:19:15,700 --> 00:19:17,165
I didn't know
you could cook.
429
00:19:17,234 --> 00:19:19,399
Well, when a fella's
been alone as long
as I have,
430
00:19:19,467 --> 00:19:21,399
he learns to
take care of himself.
431
00:19:21,467 --> 00:19:23,032
Well, you're a very
sweet friend,
432
00:19:23,100 --> 00:19:25,165
and you're so good to
listen to my troubles.
433
00:19:25,234 --> 00:19:27,899
I could listen
for hours, Lois.
434
00:19:27,967 --> 00:19:32,565
Whoo! Boy, I don't know
how a half a glass of wine
got me so lightheaded.
435
00:19:32,634 --> 00:19:33,732
I better lie down.
436
00:19:33,800 --> 00:19:35,565
You want me to
help you upstairs?
437
00:19:35,634 --> 00:19:37,765
Oh, my God,
you are a saint!
438
00:19:41,401 --> 00:19:45,332
Oh, I think I can
make it from here. I...
Whoa, whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
439
00:19:45,401 --> 00:19:47,599
(BOTH LAUGHING)
440
00:19:47,667 --> 00:19:48,732
Whoops!
441
00:19:48,801 --> 00:19:50,832
Professor Klutz,
the doctor is in!
442
00:19:50,901 --> 00:19:53,164
(LAUGHS)
Where's this heading?
443
00:19:56,534 --> 00:19:58,099
Hiya, Brian.
444
00:19:58,168 --> 00:19:59,698
All right, Peter,
now I know your head
is still a blank slate,
445
00:19:59,767 --> 00:20:01,698
but you gotta listen
to me when I say...
446
00:20:01,767 --> 00:20:03,765
Wait. Did you just
call me "Brian"?
447
00:20:03,834 --> 00:20:05,966
Yeah.
You've got your
memory back?
448
00:20:06,034 --> 00:20:08,732
Uh-huh. Happened
yesterday on my way back
from the grocery store.
449
00:20:09,733 --> 00:20:11,532
Hi, Peter.
450
00:20:13,101 --> 00:20:15,699
Hey, you just snubbed me
in front of my own house.
451
00:20:15,767 --> 00:20:17,398
I thought we'd come
to an understanding.
452
00:20:17,467 --> 00:20:19,898
Look, fella,
I don't know who you are
and I don't want to,
453
00:20:19,967 --> 00:20:21,965
so why don't you
just go back to
your crabgrass?
454
00:20:22,034 --> 00:20:24,731
This happens to be
fresh Marathon Sod!
455
00:20:26,134 --> 00:20:28,866
Man, I just got
my memory back.
456
00:20:28,934 --> 00:20:32,366
And as I recall,
I don't really
care for you!
457
00:20:32,434 --> 00:20:35,332
Wait a minute.
Who are you?
Hey, I know you!
458
00:20:35,400 --> 00:20:36,932
What's your beef,
stranger?
459
00:20:37,001 --> 00:20:39,132
Well, if it isn't
my old nemesis!
460
00:20:39,200 --> 00:20:41,531
I was just lucky
he had an odd number
of objects.
461
00:20:41,601 --> 00:20:43,131
Why the hell didn't
you tell anybody?
462
00:20:43,200 --> 00:20:45,331
Well, I figured I could
enjoy the bachelor life
463
00:20:45,400 --> 00:20:47,498
for a few more days
before getting Lois back.
464
00:20:47,567 --> 00:20:49,164
Well, you may have waited
too long already.
465
00:20:49,233 --> 00:20:50,865
Lois is on a date
with Quagmire,
466
00:20:50,934 --> 00:20:52,665
and you've gotta stop her
before something happens.
467
00:20:52,734 --> 00:20:54,698
What? Oh, my God!
Where is she?
468
00:20:54,767 --> 00:20:56,198
She's next door
at his house.
469
00:20:56,267 --> 00:20:58,132
And you better
get there quick,
because with Quagmire,
470
00:20:58,200 --> 00:20:59,832
sex is inevitable.
471
00:20:59,901 --> 00:21:02,598
Like a fat guy ordering
dessert when everyone
else wants to leave.
472
00:21:03,801 --> 00:21:05,199
So, does anyone
want dessert?
473
00:21:05,267 --> 00:21:07,032
Oh, I couldn't
eat another bite.
474
00:21:07,100 --> 00:21:08,832
No. I gotta get home
for the sitter.
475
00:21:08,900 --> 00:21:10,199
I'll have the souffle.
476
00:21:10,267 --> 00:21:12,265
That takes 45 minutes.
That's okay.
477
00:21:16,767 --> 00:21:18,966
I can't believe
we're doing this,
478
00:21:19,034 --> 00:21:21,199
but I gotta say,
it feels kind of right.
479
00:21:21,267 --> 00:21:24,065
I know, it's so weird, right?
I mean, it's, like, fast.
480
00:21:24,134 --> 00:21:27,165
I mean, it's fast,
but it feels, like,
okay, you know?
481
00:21:27,234 --> 00:21:29,332
I mean, like,
isn't that crazy?
482
00:21:29,401 --> 00:21:31,732
It's like this adventure
that we're having together.
483
00:21:31,801 --> 00:21:34,565
I know.
That's exactly how I feel.
484
00:21:34,634 --> 00:21:36,599
I mean,
it's a little strange,
485
00:21:36,667 --> 00:21:38,599
but if Peter's never
coming back to me,
486
00:21:38,667 --> 00:21:42,332
it's at least nice
to know I'm in the arms
of a trusted friend.
487
00:21:42,401 --> 00:21:45,165
You... You trust me?
488
00:21:46,734 --> 00:21:47,765
Uh-oh.
489
00:21:47,834 --> 00:21:49,299
Is something wrong?
490
00:21:49,368 --> 00:21:51,298
I don't know.
I'll be right back.
491
00:21:53,233 --> 00:21:54,531
(PUMPING)
492
00:21:54,600 --> 00:21:55,832
QUAGMIRE: Damn it!
493
00:21:56,601 --> 00:21:57,665
Lois!
494
00:21:57,734 --> 00:22:00,133
Peter? What are
you doing here?
495
00:22:00,200 --> 00:22:02,831
I got my memory back,
and I love you, Lois!
496
00:22:02,900 --> 00:22:06,698
I want you and the kids back.
I want our old life back!
497
00:22:06,767 --> 00:22:10,532
I don't believe it!
Sweetheart, it's you!
You're back!
498
00:22:10,601 --> 00:22:12,032
QUAGMIRE: (SCREAMS)
Damn it!
499
00:22:12,101 --> 00:22:14,532
I'm back, Lois,
and I'm sorry.
500
00:22:14,601 --> 00:22:16,332
I treated you so badly,
501
00:22:16,401 --> 00:22:19,799
but I hope you know
it was only because
I wasn't myself.
502
00:22:19,868 --> 00:22:23,098
I didn't just
lose my memory.
I lost my mind.
503
00:22:23,167 --> 00:22:24,765
Clear!
(ELECTRICITY BUZZING)
504
00:22:24,834 --> 00:22:25,865
Damn it!
505
00:22:25,934 --> 00:22:27,564
Oh, my God, Peter,
I don't care!
506
00:22:27,633 --> 00:22:30,498
I don't care!
I'm just overjoyed
to have you back!
507
00:22:30,566 --> 00:22:31,632
Let's go home!
508
00:22:33,167 --> 00:22:35,532
(ELECTRICITY BUZZING)
QUAGMIRE: Damn it!
509
00:22:35,601 --> 00:22:37,632
Damn it! Damn it!
510
00:22:37,701 --> 00:22:38,932
(QUAGMIRE EXCLAIMS
IN FRUSTRATION)
511
00:23:16,233 --> 00:23:17,232
ENGLISH - US - LINE 21