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00:00:03,201 --> 00:00:05,866
♪ It seems today
that all you see
2
00:00:05,934 --> 00:00:09,265
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
3
00:00:09,333 --> 00:00:12,865
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values
4
00:00:12,934 --> 00:00:15,966
♪ On which we used to rely?
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♪ Lucky there's a family guy
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♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do
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♪ All the things
that make us
8
00:00:24,267 --> 00:00:25,932
♪ Laugh and cry
9
00:00:26,001 --> 00:00:30,865
♪ He's a family guy ♪
10
00:00:38,634 --> 00:00:41,332
Oh, I am so excited
for Stewie's first play.
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Don't you think
it's a little soon
12
00:00:42,867 --> 00:00:44,466
for a musical
about Terri Schiavo?
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Or too late?
Shh. It's starting.
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(MONITOR BEEPING)
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(VENTILATOR WHEEZING)
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(CLINKING RHYTHMICALLY)
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(DRIPPING RHYTHMICALLY)
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(LIVELY TUNE BEGINS)
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Hi, Doctor,
it's me, Michael Schiavo.
How's my wife doing?
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She's a vegetable.
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I hate vegetables.
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(LAUGHING)
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Don't worry about her,
Mr. Schiavo.
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She's being kept alive
by medical science.
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Gee, look at all this stuff.
How does it all work?
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Well, I'll tell you.
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♪ This one
keeps her liver clean
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♪ This one checks her pee
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How about this one
over here?
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♪ Oh, that's just the TV
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ALL:
♪ Ha! Ha! Ha!
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♪ This one checks
her heart rate
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♪ This one checks her veins
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00:01:39,634 --> 00:01:43,733
♪ And this dispenses gravy
for her mashed-potato brains
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00:01:43,801 --> 00:01:44,965
♪ Oh, oh, oh
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00:01:45,034 --> 00:01:49,132
♪ Terri Schiavo
is kind of alive-oh
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♪ What a lively little bugger
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♪ Maybe we should
just unplug her
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♪ Terri Schiavo
is kind of alive-oh
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♪ The most expensive plant
you'll ever see ♪
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00:02:03,667 --> 00:02:05,965
Oh, my God,
here comes Jared.
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00:02:06,034 --> 00:02:08,299
Wow, he's in kindergarten.
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Hey, so you're
the plug this year?
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00:02:09,934 --> 00:02:11,932
Hey, Jared.
Yeah, I'm the plug.
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Yeah, I was the plug
three years in a row.
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Like, I don't know that!
Everybody knows that, Jared!
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00:02:17,001 --> 00:02:19,666
Well, listen,
don't you try to be
a Jared plug, all right?
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You just go out there,
you be the best
Stewie plug you can.
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00:02:22,768 --> 00:02:24,232
Oh, I sure will, Jared.
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00:02:24,301 --> 00:02:25,499
Hey, you got any
Gummi Bears on you?
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00:02:25,567 --> 00:02:26,699
No.
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Be a lot cooler
if you did.
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(LAUGHS)
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00:02:31,600 --> 00:02:33,432
You know, they say,
"Don't meet your heroes,"
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but they can eat my ass,
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00:02:34,634 --> 00:02:36,598
because that was awesome!
I don't know.
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00:02:36,667 --> 00:02:38,966
Don't you think
it's kind of weird
that he's in kindergarten
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00:02:39,035 --> 00:02:41,166
and he's still hanging
around kids our age?
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Hey! We are very lucky.
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Oh! Here I go!
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♪ There's only one solution
It's in the Constitution
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♪ We've got
to pull the plug ♪
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00:02:55,267 --> 00:02:57,532
There he is!
Quick, Peter,
grab the video camera.
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00:02:57,600 --> 00:02:58,899
All right, all right.
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What's wrong with Stewie?
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00:03:10,168 --> 00:03:11,333
I think he has stage fright.
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00:03:11,401 --> 00:03:12,833
I think he has
stage fright, Peter.
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That's what I just said.
I said that.
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(BAWLING)
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00:03:22,968 --> 00:03:26,198
PETER: (LAUGHS)
Look at Stewie.
What a baby.
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00:03:26,267 --> 00:03:29,565
Oh, no way.
Hey, Chris, look.
Is that Richard Dreyfuss?
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00:03:29,634 --> 00:03:31,532
Oh, for crying out loud.
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00:03:31,601 --> 00:03:33,799
PETER: Hey, Dreyfuss,
where you going?
Get back here.
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00:03:33,868 --> 00:03:35,599
Dreyfuss, what are you doing
here in Quahog?
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My nephew's in the play.
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00:03:37,401 --> 00:03:39,699
God, can't you go
anywhere these days without
these damn paparazzi?
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(SIGHS)
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00:03:41,268 --> 00:03:42,999
PETER: Where you going?
Oh, you going
to the bathroom?
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00:03:43,067 --> 00:03:45,665
You going to have
a close encounter
of the turd kind?
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00:03:45,734 --> 00:03:46,999
(PETER LAUGHING)
81
00:03:47,067 --> 00:03:48,299
Hey, I think
you're gonna need
a bigger boat!
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(LAUGHS)
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00:03:49,467 --> 00:03:50,932
These jokes are
for you, Peter,
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00:03:51,001 --> 00:03:52,965
when you watch
this tape in the future.
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Hi, future Peter.
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00:03:54,434 --> 00:03:56,799
I'm going to
plant a tree for you
when I get home.
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00:03:56,868 --> 00:03:59,699
Look outside and
you'll see a grown tree.
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00:03:59,767 --> 00:04:02,199
PETER: (ON VIDEO)
I'm going to plant a tree
for you when I get home.
89
00:04:02,268 --> 00:04:04,999
Look outside and
you'll see a grown tree.
90
00:04:06,668 --> 00:04:08,032
Yay!
91
00:04:08,100 --> 00:04:10,066
Now look at your hand.
It's just a nub,
92
00:04:10,135 --> 00:04:12,532
'cause I'm gonna cut off
all the fingers.
93
00:04:12,600 --> 00:04:15,865
Oh, yeah, past Peter?
Well, two can play that game!
94
00:04:16,700 --> 00:04:17,865
Take that! (LAUGHING)
95
00:04:17,935 --> 00:04:19,066
Wait a minute.
96
00:04:24,200 --> 00:04:26,666
So, had a little
trouble up there
on stage, huh?
97
00:04:26,734 --> 00:04:27,766
What do you mean?
98
00:04:27,834 --> 00:04:29,198
I mean crying and
wetting yourself.
99
00:04:29,267 --> 00:04:30,666
You looked ridiculous.
100
00:04:30,734 --> 00:04:33,366
You know what?
I'm gonna buy a cake
when you're dead.
101
00:04:34,334 --> 00:04:35,965
How was your
bowel movement, Peter?
102
00:04:36,034 --> 00:04:38,332
I got some,
but I didn't get
the troublemaker.
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00:04:38,401 --> 00:04:40,133
Wait, what time is it?
I got to turn on TMZ.
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00:04:42,168 --> 00:04:44,032
(ANNOUNCER READING)
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ANNOUNCER: Rene Russo
got a little hot
under the collar
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when we caught up
with her outside her home
in the Hills.
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Rene, what was it
like working with
Douglas Fairbanks?
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00:04:51,434 --> 00:04:53,966
Is it true you
were born in 1880?
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This is my
rassinfrackin' land!
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And I don't care
what no man
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00:04:59,134 --> 00:05:02,632
from no Tennessee
Valley Authority
says, consarnit!
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00:05:02,701 --> 00:05:04,966
Why are we watching TMZ?
I hate this show.
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00:05:05,034 --> 00:05:06,365
Keep watching.
114
00:05:06,433 --> 00:05:07,632
So what do you got?
115
00:05:07,701 --> 00:05:09,532
I got Richard Dreyfuss
coming out of the bathroom
116
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at his nephew's play
in Rhode Island.
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00:05:12,167 --> 00:05:13,565
PETER: Richard!
Hey, Richard!
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00:05:13,634 --> 00:05:15,099
Hey, can I get
your autograph?
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00:05:15,168 --> 00:05:17,432
(SIGHS) Fine.
You have a pen
and paper?
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00:05:17,501 --> 00:05:18,666
PETER: What do
I look like, a Staples?
121
00:05:18,734 --> 00:05:19,865
I don't carry
that stuff around.
122
00:05:19,934 --> 00:05:21,365
Look, I'm sorry,
I can't help you.
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00:05:21,434 --> 00:05:22,832
PETER: Oh, what,
you too big and famous
124
00:05:22,901 --> 00:05:24,565
to walk over to
that corner drugstore
125
00:05:24,634 --> 00:05:27,332
and pick up a pen and paper
and possibly some
other groceries I need
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00:05:27,401 --> 00:05:29,432
and come back and sign
several things for me?
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00:05:29,501 --> 00:05:30,799
You're a jerk!
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00:05:30,867 --> 00:05:32,466
That was my tape, everybody.
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00:05:32,534 --> 00:05:34,532
I sent that in and
they put it on TV,
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00:05:34,601 --> 00:05:36,598
which makes me
a famous journalist.
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00:05:36,668 --> 00:05:40,165
Journalist?
You're badgering a celebrity
and passing it off as news.
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00:05:40,234 --> 00:05:42,665
Yeah, journalist.
And I got 100 bucks for it,
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00:05:42,734 --> 00:05:45,599
which I used to buy
this $4,000 video camera.
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00:05:45,667 --> 00:05:48,432
Meet Peter Griffin,
video paparazzi.
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00:05:48,501 --> 00:05:50,665
From now on, I'm gonna be
right where the action is,
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00:05:50,734 --> 00:05:52,999
like my uncle,
The Guy in
the White Hat Griffin.
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00:06:08,268 --> 00:06:09,665
PETER: Stewie! Stewie,
how's that oatmeal?
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00:06:09,734 --> 00:06:11,432
Is it true you're
having an affair
with that oatmeal?
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00:06:11,500 --> 00:06:13,498
What do you say
about the rumors that
you have a full diaper?
140
00:06:13,567 --> 00:06:15,033
I'm just trying
to eat here.
141
00:06:15,101 --> 00:06:16,465
What did you do to
your mother's vagina?
142
00:06:16,534 --> 00:06:17,532
Leave me alone!
143
00:06:17,601 --> 00:06:18,632
How come your feet
are so small?
144
00:06:18,701 --> 00:06:20,298
Is it true you
can't say "spaghetti"?
145
00:06:20,367 --> 00:06:21,932
What about the rumors
that you have cooties?
146
00:06:22,001 --> 00:06:24,331
Is it true you
doubled your weight
in the last six months?
147
00:06:24,400 --> 00:06:25,598
(SHUDDERING)
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(SCREAMS)
149
00:06:27,634 --> 00:06:29,298
STEWIE: Daddy!
Help me, Daddy!
150
00:06:29,367 --> 00:06:31,066
PETER: I can't get involved
'cause of journalism.
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00:06:32,201 --> 00:06:33,732
Tom! Tom Tucker! Tom!
152
00:06:33,801 --> 00:06:34,966
The news isn't funny.
153
00:06:35,034 --> 00:06:36,566
It's not supposed
to be funny.
154
00:06:36,634 --> 00:06:38,399
Tom, who were you
having dinner with
in there? Was it a guy?
155
00:06:38,468 --> 00:06:41,099
Are you gay?
Someone said you were gay.
It was me.
156
00:06:41,167 --> 00:06:44,165
Are the rumors
I'm making up true?
Ignore me if you're gay.
157
00:06:46,734 --> 00:06:48,065
Mayor West, over here!
158
00:06:48,134 --> 00:06:49,799
What hot spot
are you going to
this Friday night?
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00:06:49,868 --> 00:06:53,899
Oh, I've got some
pretty nifty plans,
my camera-wielding friend.
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Yeah?
That's right.
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00:06:55,401 --> 00:06:58,699
Every Friday night,
I'm a clearance-sale
area rug.
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00:07:02,234 --> 00:07:06,665
Boy, I hope somebody buys me.
I'd look swell in their den.
163
00:07:10,768 --> 00:07:11,933
(LAUGHING)
164
00:07:13,035 --> 00:07:14,565
(GROANS)
165
00:07:14,634 --> 00:07:15,732
(MUSIC PLAYING)
166
00:07:15,801 --> 00:07:16,999
PETER:
Rubik the Amazing Cube!
167
00:07:17,068 --> 00:07:18,232
Rubik the Amazing Cube!
168
00:07:18,301 --> 00:07:19,466
Do you have
a drinking problem?
169
00:07:19,534 --> 00:07:20,899
Why are your
colors all messed up?
170
00:07:20,968 --> 00:07:22,699
I can fix this.
171
00:07:22,767 --> 00:07:26,365
Line up the two corners,
red next to yellow...
172
00:07:26,434 --> 00:07:27,865
Oh, fuck it!
173
00:07:32,367 --> 00:07:34,666
PETER: Ollie Williams,
why do you look
so much like Will Smith?
174
00:07:34,734 --> 00:07:35,866
Hey, Will Smith,
what was it like
175
00:07:35,934 --> 00:07:37,231
to punch that
alien in the face?
176
00:07:37,300 --> 00:07:38,632
Eddie Murphy,
what was that whole thing
177
00:07:38,701 --> 00:07:40,133
with you and that
transvestite hooker?
178
00:07:40,200 --> 00:07:41,666
Bernie Mac,
how come you died?
179
00:07:41,734 --> 00:07:43,698
Oprah, why are you
so fat, Don Cheadle?
180
00:07:48,734 --> 00:07:49,832
You almost done
in there, Peter?
181
00:07:49,901 --> 00:07:50,966
Hang on, Lois.
182
00:07:51,034 --> 00:07:52,666
Stupid Ollie Williams
broke my glasses.
183
00:07:52,734 --> 00:07:54,132
I got to put in
my contacts.
184
00:07:54,201 --> 00:07:55,999
By the way,
the repair shop called.
185
00:07:56,067 --> 00:07:57,832
They said they
can't fix your camera.
186
00:07:57,900 --> 00:07:59,765
Well, that's
just great, Lois.
That's great.
187
00:07:59,834 --> 00:08:01,265
And here I was
going to use the money
188
00:08:01,334 --> 00:08:02,932
to take you to
Cancun this winter.
189
00:08:03,001 --> 00:08:04,399
"Cancun," Peter.
190
00:08:04,467 --> 00:08:06,666
Whoa! Whoa!
I don't like Ollie
any more than you do,
191
00:08:06,734 --> 00:08:08,666
but we are
a 21st-century family,
192
00:08:08,734 --> 00:08:10,265
and I will not have
that kind of talk here.
193
00:08:10,334 --> 00:08:11,366
Whatever.
194
00:08:14,567 --> 00:08:15,899
(TV CHATTERING)
195
00:08:15,968 --> 00:08:17,866
Griffin! Did you
call the distributor
about the...
196
00:08:19,834 --> 00:08:21,331
What? What's the problem?
197
00:08:21,400 --> 00:08:24,465
Okay, look,
I know I was watching TV,
but I'll stay late.
198
00:08:24,534 --> 00:08:27,065
No, that's not it, Griffin.
There's...
199
00:08:27,134 --> 00:08:29,365
There's something
different about you.
200
00:08:29,434 --> 00:08:30,965
You're not wearing glasses.
201
00:08:31,034 --> 00:08:32,799
Yeah, they got busted.
I'm wearing contacts.
202
00:08:32,868 --> 00:08:36,133
I can see your eyes
and your eyelashes!
203
00:08:36,202 --> 00:08:38,066
They're beautiful!
204
00:08:38,135 --> 00:08:39,799
Who cares? What gives?
205
00:09:26,734 --> 00:09:31,166
Griffin, I never
noticed you before.
I like what I see.
206
00:09:31,235 --> 00:09:32,666
Uh.
207
00:09:32,735 --> 00:09:33,866
Okay.
208
00:09:35,001 --> 00:09:37,565
Oh, no.
I dropped my pencil!
209
00:09:37,634 --> 00:09:39,765
Oh, I'll get it for you.
210
00:09:39,834 --> 00:09:43,066
Yeah, this is gonna
work out just fine.
211
00:09:43,600 --> 00:09:45,300
(FARTING)
212
00:09:45,368 --> 00:09:46,698
(CHUCKLES) Excuse me.
213
00:09:53,034 --> 00:09:54,698
Family, we need to talk.
214
00:09:56,068 --> 00:09:58,999
Your father was
sexually harassed
at work today.
215
00:09:59,067 --> 00:10:00,132
What?
216
00:10:00,201 --> 00:10:02,232
That's right.
Angela grabbed my ass.
217
00:10:02,301 --> 00:10:06,199
So what?
Peter, a woman can't
sexually harass a man.
218
00:10:06,268 --> 00:10:07,699
Why not?
I don't know.
219
00:10:07,768 --> 00:10:09,433
It just doesn't
make any sense.
220
00:10:09,501 --> 00:10:11,766
I mean, guys like
being touched by women.
221
00:10:11,835 --> 00:10:13,766
It's not harassment
if you like it.
222
00:10:13,835 --> 00:10:15,099
But I didn't like it.
223
00:10:15,168 --> 00:10:16,932
I got sexually
harassed at school.
224
00:10:17,001 --> 00:10:19,465
My chemistry teacher,
Mr. Taylor,
rubbed my shoulders
225
00:10:19,534 --> 00:10:22,632
for 35 minutes in class
the one day I didn't
wear a bra.
226
00:10:22,701 --> 00:10:24,699
See, Peter?
That's harassment.
227
00:10:24,768 --> 00:10:27,065
An older man,
a weak younger woman.
228
00:10:27,134 --> 00:10:28,599
He could have taken
advantage of her,
229
00:10:28,667 --> 00:10:30,266
forced her to
do things to him.
230
00:10:30,334 --> 00:10:32,632
He did. Awful things.
231
00:10:32,701 --> 00:10:35,765
See? But you,
it just can't happen.
232
00:10:39,600 --> 00:10:41,166
Griffin! Get in here!
233
00:10:41,235 --> 00:10:44,565
And make sure you have on
your new uniform.
234
00:10:44,634 --> 00:10:47,133
Why am I
the only one who has
to wear denim shorts?
235
00:10:47,201 --> 00:10:49,799
Because you're the only one
who looks this good in them.
236
00:10:49,868 --> 00:10:53,199
Damn, Griffin,
you fill those out nicely.
237
00:10:53,267 --> 00:10:55,099
Why is there
a dusty gas station
238
00:10:55,168 --> 00:10:56,966
and a Diet Pepsi machine
in your office?
239
00:10:59,167 --> 00:11:00,666
'Cause your car
broke down,
240
00:11:00,734 --> 00:11:04,099
and you need to
wipe a cold soda
on your neck to cool off.
241
00:11:04,168 --> 00:11:06,132
Well, maybe I don't
need to cool off.
242
00:11:06,201 --> 00:11:08,399
Maybe you don't need
to be employed.
243
00:11:15,767 --> 00:11:17,198
It's hot in here,
isn't it?
244
00:11:17,267 --> 00:11:18,332
Yes.
245
00:11:18,401 --> 00:11:20,399
You need to cool off,
don't you?
246
00:11:20,467 --> 00:11:21,665
I need to cool off.
247
00:11:21,734 --> 00:11:25,032
You need to wipe your neck
with the soda can.
248
00:11:25,100 --> 00:11:27,300
I need to wipe my neck
with the soda can.
249
00:11:27,368 --> 00:11:28,366
Do it!
250
00:11:34,301 --> 00:11:35,532
Now, get out
of here, you slut.
251
00:11:35,601 --> 00:11:36,599
Okay.
252
00:11:36,667 --> 00:11:37,932
Can I keep the soda?
253
00:11:38,001 --> 00:11:39,232
Oh, all right.
254
00:11:39,301 --> 00:11:40,499
Yeah!
255
00:11:52,801 --> 00:11:53,965
Oh!
256
00:11:54,534 --> 00:11:56,465
Oh, God.
257
00:11:56,534 --> 00:11:59,466
I really hope
there's a hungry horse
back there.
258
00:12:01,534 --> 00:12:02,866
(RINGING)
259
00:12:03,534 --> 00:12:04,799
Hello?
260
00:12:04,868 --> 00:12:07,866
Oh, hi, Angela. Hang on.
Peter, it's your boss!
261
00:12:07,935 --> 00:12:10,398
I don't want to talk to her.
She's gonna harass me.
262
00:12:10,467 --> 00:12:12,565
Oh, don't be such a baby!
263
00:12:12,634 --> 00:12:14,933
I'm sorry, Angela,
Peter can't talk.
264
00:12:15,001 --> 00:12:17,799
He's upstairs in the shower
touching himself
to your picture.
265
00:12:17,868 --> 00:12:19,565
What?
266
00:12:19,634 --> 00:12:22,432
(LAUGHS) He's writing
your name in the shower door
fog with his penis.
267
00:12:22,501 --> 00:12:23,899
Give me that.
268
00:12:23,968 --> 00:12:25,365
Why are you
calling me at home?
269
00:12:25,433 --> 00:12:27,165
I want to hear
you breathe.
270
00:12:27,233 --> 00:12:28,398
Breathe into the phone
for me, Griffin.
271
00:12:28,467 --> 00:12:29,499
What?
272
00:12:29,568 --> 00:12:31,732
Shh. Don't talk,
just breathe.
273
00:12:31,801 --> 00:12:33,365
It turns me on.
274
00:12:34,634 --> 00:12:35,733
(SNORING)
275
00:12:40,867 --> 00:12:43,199
That's it, Griffin.
Keep breathing.
276
00:12:44,534 --> 00:12:46,066
I'm almost there.
277
00:12:46,134 --> 00:12:49,365
Oh! Your breath
is filling me up.
278
00:12:49,434 --> 00:12:52,365
Your breath and
this squash racquet.
279
00:12:52,434 --> 00:12:53,865
(MUMBLES INCOHERENTLY)
280
00:12:53,934 --> 00:12:55,532
I like kangaroos.
281
00:12:55,601 --> 00:12:57,199
Oh, sure you do.
282
00:12:57,267 --> 00:13:01,199
Well, tomorrow,
I'm getting you
a kangaroo T-shirt.
283
00:13:04,801 --> 00:13:06,732
And she wants me
to come over
to her house tonight
284
00:13:06,801 --> 00:13:08,999
to work on
a special project.
285
00:13:09,067 --> 00:13:10,599
I know she's gonna make me
have sex with her.
286
00:13:10,667 --> 00:13:11,665
What the hell
am I gonna do?
287
00:13:11,734 --> 00:13:13,033
I don't know, Peter.
288
00:13:13,101 --> 00:13:14,866
If you have sex with her,
you give her all the power.
289
00:13:14,934 --> 00:13:16,465
If you don't have sex
with her, you're gay.
290
00:13:16,534 --> 00:13:17,565
You can't win.
291
00:13:17,634 --> 00:13:19,065
You can't do
anything, Peter.
292
00:13:19,133 --> 00:13:21,966
These days,
women have all the power
in the workplace.
293
00:13:22,035 --> 00:13:23,766
You know, I never
told you guys this,
294
00:13:23,834 --> 00:13:25,766
but my police captain
is a woman.
295
00:13:25,834 --> 00:13:27,766
One day,
she wheeled me
into her office
296
00:13:27,834 --> 00:13:29,699
and then made me
have sex with her.
297
00:13:29,768 --> 00:13:31,232
It was awful.
Oh, my God,
298
00:13:31,301 --> 00:13:32,899
that must have
scarred you for life.
299
00:13:32,967 --> 00:13:35,933
No, I was into it.
It was just awful sex.
300
00:13:36,001 --> 00:13:38,665
It was like trying to get
a deflated balloon into a...
301
00:13:40,102 --> 00:13:42,100
Well, I guess
a normal vagina.
302
00:13:42,168 --> 00:13:43,666
It was pretty bad.
303
00:13:43,735 --> 00:13:46,066
I don't want to get fired
and have to look
for another job.
304
00:13:46,135 --> 00:13:47,365
What the hell do I do?
305
00:13:47,434 --> 00:13:48,999
I might be able
to help you, Peter.
306
00:13:52,534 --> 00:13:54,032
All right, hurry up,
let's get this over with.
307
00:13:54,101 --> 00:13:56,465
All right,
unbutton your shirt
and your pants.
308
00:13:59,601 --> 00:14:01,665
That ought to do it.
Okay, close up.
309
00:14:03,401 --> 00:14:04,699
All right,
let me get lined up right,
310
00:14:04,768 --> 00:14:06,833
so she'll think it's you
she's having sex with.
311
00:14:06,901 --> 00:14:08,699
Wow, that's really clever.
Thanks.
312
00:14:08,768 --> 00:14:11,199
And if you don't feel
like doing Lois later,
I can stick around.
313
00:14:11,268 --> 00:14:12,732
(LAUGHING) Oh, let's...
314
00:14:12,801 --> 00:14:14,799
Let's just see
how this goes.
315
00:14:14,867 --> 00:14:16,198
(DOORBELL RINGS)
316
00:14:18,667 --> 00:14:19,665
Hello, Griffin.
317
00:14:19,734 --> 00:14:21,465
Hello, Angela.
318
00:14:21,534 --> 00:14:23,498
You know, Angela,
I've been thinking about it,
319
00:14:23,567 --> 00:14:25,565
and I want to have sex
with you now.
320
00:14:25,634 --> 00:14:27,166
Really?
Giggity.
321
00:14:27,235 --> 00:14:29,699
Yeah, but I want to
just do it through my
zipper, all right?
322
00:14:29,767 --> 00:14:31,699
I don't want to have
to take off all my clothes,
323
00:14:31,767 --> 00:14:34,966
'cause I'm self-conscious
about my Congressman Barney
Frank body.
324
00:14:35,035 --> 00:14:37,065
Oh, I suppose
I can work with that.
325
00:14:38,934 --> 00:14:40,431
QUAGMIRE: Oh, yuck!
326
00:14:40,500 --> 00:14:42,632
What do you say
we go into the bedroom?
327
00:14:42,701 --> 00:14:44,866
Yeah, sure.
328
00:14:44,934 --> 00:14:47,666
QUAGMIRE: Oh, she's so ugly!
I don't want to get in that.
329
00:14:47,734 --> 00:14:49,965
Peter, I'm not gonna do it.
Deal's off. Deal's off.
330
00:14:50,034 --> 00:14:51,332
No, it isn't!
QUAGMIRE: Yes, it is.
331
00:14:51,400 --> 00:14:53,232
I'm gonna spread my legs,
and yours will pop through.
332
00:14:53,300 --> 00:14:54,532
You better not.
I am.
333
00:14:54,601 --> 00:14:56,299
I'm re-jiggering
my position right now.
334
00:14:56,367 --> 00:14:57,599
Oh, no, you don't!
335
00:14:57,667 --> 00:14:58,865
(BOTH GRUNTING)
336
00:15:00,200 --> 00:15:01,932
What the hell
is going on here?
337
00:15:04,334 --> 00:15:05,465
Oh.
338
00:15:05,534 --> 00:15:07,899
Hi, Angela,
I'm Peter's friend,
Glenn Quagmire.
339
00:15:07,968 --> 00:15:10,398
Thank you so much
for having me in your home.
340
00:15:10,467 --> 00:15:12,265
And I would have
had sex with you,
341
00:15:12,334 --> 00:15:13,532
but Peter neglected
to tell me
342
00:15:13,601 --> 00:15:15,999
that you are
a complete dumpster fire.
343
00:15:16,068 --> 00:15:17,133
Some friend, huh?
344
00:15:17,202 --> 00:15:20,198
Okay. All right,
take it easy.
345
00:15:20,267 --> 00:15:23,032
I am tired of
playing games, Griffin.
I mean, let's go.
346
00:15:23,101 --> 00:15:26,999
I have waited long enough.
I'm having sex
with you right now.
347
00:15:27,067 --> 00:15:28,466
No! I don't wanna!
348
00:15:28,534 --> 00:15:31,732
Griffin! You have sex with me
or you're fired.
349
00:15:31,801 --> 00:15:34,766
Fine! Fire me!
I'm through being
harassed by you!
350
00:15:37,301 --> 00:15:38,666
You know,
this is awful timing,
351
00:15:38,734 --> 00:15:41,032
but I remembered
part of the reason
I came over
352
00:15:41,101 --> 00:15:43,632
was 'cause my cousin
is looking for a job
at the brewery.
353
00:15:45,467 --> 00:15:47,565
I'll just put his resume
under the door.
354
00:15:55,600 --> 00:15:57,065
Give me
another one, Horace.
355
00:15:57,134 --> 00:15:58,832
All right,
but slow down, Peter.
356
00:15:58,901 --> 00:16:00,798
Or else I'm gonna have to get
that lady boss of yours
357
00:16:00,867 --> 00:16:02,999
to come in here and give you
a good shoe to the gift bag.
358
00:16:03,068 --> 00:16:04,532
You know,
keep you in line.
359
00:16:04,601 --> 00:16:06,099
(ALL LAUGHING)
360
00:16:06,167 --> 00:16:09,598
I'm just kidding you, Peter.
You'll find yourself
a new job.
361
00:16:09,668 --> 00:16:11,365
TV ANNOUNCER:
We now return
to Robert Mitchum
362
00:16:11,433 --> 00:16:13,699
in A Backhand for Sally.
363
00:16:13,767 --> 00:16:15,732
You're getting on
that train with me.
364
00:16:15,801 --> 00:16:18,199
I can't go with you.
I just can't.
365
00:16:18,268 --> 00:16:19,966
Okay, I'll go.
366
00:16:20,035 --> 00:16:21,465
Ow!
367
00:16:21,534 --> 00:16:23,865
I said I'd go!
Why'd you give me
the back of your hand?
368
00:16:23,935 --> 00:16:25,565
Because I love you.
369
00:16:28,667 --> 00:16:32,099
Wow! I thought you
had to be in the NBA
to hit a girl in the face.
370
00:16:32,167 --> 00:16:34,198
But I guess anyone can.
371
00:16:34,267 --> 00:16:36,099
Of course you can
hit a girl in the face!
372
00:16:36,167 --> 00:16:37,632
They have faces,
don't they?
373
00:16:37,701 --> 00:16:40,132
Are you talking to me,
Robert Mitchum?
374
00:16:40,201 --> 00:16:43,832
You bet your ass I am.
Look at you! You're pathetic.
375
00:16:43,901 --> 00:16:46,365
What kind of a man
gets fired by a broad?
376
00:16:46,433 --> 00:16:47,632
A man with a female boss?
377
00:16:47,701 --> 00:16:48,899
Don't crack wise.
378
00:16:48,968 --> 00:16:50,966
Listen, Peter,
somewhere along the line,
379
00:16:51,034 --> 00:16:53,232
you got turned around.
You're a man!
380
00:16:53,301 --> 00:16:55,398
And what
do you think it means
to be a man?
381
00:16:55,467 --> 00:16:57,899
Um, it means not
getting pushed around?
382
00:16:57,968 --> 00:16:59,332
Exactly!
383
00:16:59,400 --> 00:17:02,399
It means drinking
not because I want to,
but because I need to.
384
00:17:02,468 --> 00:17:03,465
Right!
385
00:17:03,534 --> 00:17:05,200
It means
standing up to fart,
386
00:17:05,267 --> 00:17:07,465
not hiding it in a pillow
or holding it in till
your stomach goes...
387
00:17:07,534 --> 00:17:08,766
(GROWLING)
388
00:17:10,334 --> 00:17:11,732
Now you've got it!
389
00:17:11,801 --> 00:17:15,133
Give me my keys, Horace!
I'm going to see my boss!
390
00:17:15,201 --> 00:17:16,966
But, Peter, you're drunk!
391
00:17:17,034 --> 00:17:18,966
Horace!
392
00:17:19,034 --> 00:17:21,232
You're right.
This is more important.
393
00:17:21,301 --> 00:17:22,431
(TIRES SCREECHING)
394
00:17:26,034 --> 00:17:27,833
Angela! Open up in there!
395
00:17:34,767 --> 00:17:36,132
Oh, my God!
396
00:17:43,901 --> 00:17:45,599
Angela! Angela, wake up!
397
00:17:47,434 --> 00:17:48,466
What the...
398
00:17:48,534 --> 00:17:50,066
Griffin?
399
00:17:50,134 --> 00:17:52,499
Angela, what the hell
are you doing trying
to kill yourself?
400
00:17:52,568 --> 00:17:55,032
Why the hell did you
pull me out of there?
401
00:17:55,101 --> 00:17:57,066
You should have
just left me alone!
402
00:17:57,134 --> 00:17:58,932
That's how I'm gonna
end up anyway.
403
00:17:59,001 --> 00:18:00,499
What are you talking about?
404
00:18:00,568 --> 00:18:03,699
I'm talking about
the fact that I have
nothing to live for.
405
00:18:03,767 --> 00:18:04,999
Sure, you do.
406
00:18:05,067 --> 00:18:08,099
Someday,
a white man's gonna be
elected President again.
407
00:18:08,168 --> 00:18:11,799
Griffin, I haven't been
with anyone in ten years.
408
00:18:11,868 --> 00:18:15,065
And when you
spurned my advances,
it was a wake-up call.
409
00:18:15,134 --> 00:18:17,532
No one's ever
gonna love me again.
410
00:18:17,600 --> 00:18:19,133
Wait a minute.
411
00:18:19,201 --> 00:18:21,799
So that's why you been
acting like such
a wacky ass around me?
412
00:18:21,867 --> 00:18:24,366
It's been so long
since I've been
with a man,
413
00:18:24,434 --> 00:18:26,698
I don't even remember
what it feels like.
414
00:18:26,767 --> 00:18:28,732
I always imagined
it felt very painful.
415
00:18:28,801 --> 00:18:31,198
You just sort of grit
your teeth and let us do
what we want.
416
00:18:31,267 --> 00:18:35,632
I just wish
one person was able
to find me attractive.
417
00:18:35,700 --> 00:18:37,799
That's not too much
to ask, is it?
418
00:18:38,467 --> 00:18:40,232
No!
419
00:18:40,301 --> 00:18:42,399
Look, Angela,
I came over here
420
00:18:42,467 --> 00:18:44,432
to punch you and maybe
kick you in the boob,
421
00:18:44,501 --> 00:18:46,465
but now I'm all
turned around.
422
00:18:46,534 --> 00:18:47,632
Angela? Angela?
423
00:18:47,701 --> 00:18:48,832
Right here.
424
00:18:48,901 --> 00:18:51,799
Oh. But now all I want
to do is help you out.
425
00:18:51,867 --> 00:18:55,232
I'll tell you what.
You know that ritzy,
upscale place over on Third?
426
00:18:55,301 --> 00:18:57,065
The Stuffy Fella?
That's it.
427
00:18:57,134 --> 00:18:59,932
You be at
the Stuffy Fella tonight
around 9:00.
428
00:19:00,001 --> 00:19:03,365
I think I know someone
who might be perfect for you.
429
00:19:12,334 --> 00:19:14,199
Well, hello.
430
00:19:14,267 --> 00:19:15,632
Good evening, sir.
431
00:19:15,701 --> 00:19:18,665
I am Reginald
New York Knickerbocker,
millionaire.
432
00:19:18,734 --> 00:19:19,765
(SNIFFING)
433
00:19:19,834 --> 00:19:21,432
Are you serving
fish this evening?
434
00:19:21,501 --> 00:19:22,565
No, sir.
435
00:19:22,634 --> 00:19:24,799
Then I believe
my guest has arrived.
436
00:19:24,868 --> 00:19:25,966
There she is!
437
00:19:27,934 --> 00:19:29,965
You must be Angela.
438
00:19:30,034 --> 00:19:32,066
Hi. Are you
Peter's friend, Reginald?
439
00:19:32,134 --> 00:19:33,632
Indeed I am.
440
00:19:36,434 --> 00:19:39,632
What a beautiful
shade of lipstick
on those teeth.
441
00:19:39,701 --> 00:19:41,799
Oh, thank you,
but that's just my gums
442
00:19:41,868 --> 00:19:44,198
bleeding from
aggressive gingivitis.
443
00:19:44,267 --> 00:19:46,832
Mmm. Well, your mouth
is too sweet
444
00:19:46,901 --> 00:19:48,432
for your teeth
to want to stay in.
445
00:19:48,500 --> 00:19:49,532
(LAUGHING) Oh!
446
00:19:49,601 --> 00:19:51,099
Yes.
447
00:19:51,168 --> 00:19:53,699
Well, I'm just gonna
go to the powder room
and freshen up.
448
00:19:54,568 --> 00:19:56,099
She's eating it up!
449
00:19:56,168 --> 00:19:58,932
This is easier
than an American finding
his brother in China.
450
00:19:59,901 --> 00:20:02,299
Ron? Ron,
where are you?
451
00:20:02,368 --> 00:20:03,666
Over here, Paul!
452
00:20:03,734 --> 00:20:04,966
Oh, good, there you are.
453
00:20:05,034 --> 00:20:06,166
It's pretty here!
454
00:20:06,234 --> 00:20:07,299
Yes, it is.
455
00:20:13,301 --> 00:20:15,066
What a wonderful dinner.
456
00:20:15,134 --> 00:20:16,865
Would you like some dessert?
457
00:20:16,934 --> 00:20:18,199
Did you bake a pie?
458
00:20:18,267 --> 00:20:19,732
Well, there is a pie.
459
00:20:19,801 --> 00:20:22,066
It's been baking
since I met you.
460
00:20:23,068 --> 00:20:24,465
Gross.
What?
461
00:20:24,534 --> 00:20:27,799
Nothing. You know, Angela,
there's something
I need to tell you.
462
00:20:27,867 --> 00:20:30,465
My doctor has given me
24 hours to live.
463
00:20:30,534 --> 00:20:31,832
Oh, my God!
464
00:20:31,901 --> 00:20:33,599
No, no,
it's quite all right.
465
00:20:33,668 --> 00:20:37,132
Because I vowed to myself
that I would spend
the last night of my life
466
00:20:37,201 --> 00:20:40,499
in the company of
the most beautiful woman
in the world.
467
00:20:40,568 --> 00:20:42,666
And that's just
what I have done.
468
00:20:42,734 --> 00:20:44,765
Oh, Reginald.
469
00:20:44,834 --> 00:20:48,666
No, no, no. This is
already a perfect end
to a perfect evening.
470
00:20:48,734 --> 00:20:50,032
Good night, my dear.
471
00:20:50,101 --> 00:20:51,365
Reginald,
472
00:20:51,434 --> 00:20:53,532
I want you
to make love to me.
473
00:20:53,601 --> 00:20:55,232
Oh, if only I could,
474
00:20:55,301 --> 00:20:58,165
but I must to a Jew
to put my affairs
in order.
475
00:20:58,233 --> 00:21:00,565
(SIGHS) I know
what's going on here.
476
00:21:00,634 --> 00:21:01,966
You don't want
to be with me.
477
00:21:02,100 --> 00:21:03,899
You're just like
everybody else.
478
00:21:03,968 --> 00:21:05,132
So go, then!
479
00:21:05,201 --> 00:21:07,699
I'm just gonna stay here
and kill myself.
480
00:21:07,768 --> 00:21:11,732
But you can't kill yourself
every time somebody
won't sleep with you.
481
00:21:11,801 --> 00:21:14,532
I won't!
Just sleep with me,
just this once,
482
00:21:14,601 --> 00:21:16,632
and it'll give me
everything I need.
483
00:21:16,701 --> 00:21:18,032
Sleep with me tonight.
484
00:21:18,101 --> 00:21:19,699
Save my life.
485
00:21:25,467 --> 00:21:29,899
That was fantastic!
It was exactly
what I needed.
486
00:21:29,968 --> 00:21:32,833
Well, hopefully there'll be
no more talk of suicide.
487
00:21:32,901 --> 00:21:36,298
Oh, no. I feel better
than I've felt in years!
488
00:21:36,367 --> 00:21:38,332
I have my confidence again.
489
00:21:38,400 --> 00:21:41,199
I'm ready
to go back out there
and meet someone.
490
00:21:41,267 --> 00:21:43,499
Well, I'm glad
to be of service.
491
00:21:43,567 --> 00:21:45,932
Oh, just one more thing
before you go.
492
00:21:46,001 --> 00:21:47,165
What's that, my dear?
493
00:21:47,234 --> 00:21:49,765
See you at work
on Monday, Griffin.
494
00:21:49,834 --> 00:21:51,898
Huh? Oh, I'm gonna
have to have a word
495
00:21:51,967 --> 00:21:54,266
with Rite Aid about
this fake mustache.
496
00:21:57,601 --> 00:21:59,832
Well, I got my job back,
Angela's happy again,
497
00:21:59,900 --> 00:22:01,832
and she's not gonna
harass me anymore.
498
00:22:01,900 --> 00:22:03,666
Everything
worked out perfect.
499
00:22:03,734 --> 00:22:04,999
Not really, Peter.
500
00:22:05,068 --> 00:22:06,265
Yeah, you cheated
on your wife.
501
00:22:06,334 --> 00:22:08,066
No, I didn't.
I used Mort.
502
00:22:08,134 --> 00:22:09,632
Oh, my God,
I forgot about Mort!
503
00:22:11,034 --> 00:22:12,966
I want my $2!
504
00:22:50,467 --> 00:22:51,465
ENGLISH - US - LINE 21