1
00:00:02,835 --> 00:00:05,132
(SINISTER INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)
2
00:00:16,868 --> 00:00:19,133
Boy, eight months
on patrol and nothing.
3
00:00:19,201 --> 00:00:21,331
You know, Rupert,
I miss the Earth so much.
4
00:00:21,400 --> 00:00:22,866
I miss my wife.
5
00:00:22,934 --> 00:00:23,932
It's lonely out in space...
6
00:00:24,001 --> 00:00:24,999
(ALARM WAILING)
7
00:00:27,434 --> 00:00:29,265
Uh-oh, Rupert,
we've got company,
8
00:00:29,334 --> 00:00:31,432
and I don't think
it's the Avon Lady.
9
00:00:33,634 --> 00:00:35,266
Strap yourself in.
10
00:00:35,335 --> 00:00:38,432
No matter what happens,
it's been a privilege
to serve under you.
11
00:01:15,035 --> 00:01:16,366
Don't relax yet, Rupert,
12
00:01:16,434 --> 00:01:19,132
those fighters
had to have been
coming from somewhere.
13
00:01:21,134 --> 00:01:23,699
Oh, my God!
14
00:01:42,202 --> 00:01:43,565
(SENSOR BEEPING)
15
00:01:45,600 --> 00:01:47,233
Wait a minute, Rupert,
16
00:01:47,301 --> 00:01:49,666
there's a weapons systems
cooling duct on the far side
of the hull.
17
00:01:49,734 --> 00:01:51,365
If we can get just
one good shot at it,
18
00:01:51,434 --> 00:01:54,032
we can blow
that fat bastard
out of the cosmos.
19
00:02:27,700 --> 00:02:29,765
Uh-oh, Rupert,
our main blasters
are gone.
20
00:02:29,834 --> 00:02:32,466
Looks like this
is a suicide mission.
21
00:02:39,835 --> 00:02:41,365
(YELLING)
22
00:02:41,434 --> 00:02:43,665
Got you! Got you!
Got you!
23
00:02:43,735 --> 00:02:45,200
Got you! Got you!
24
00:02:45,267 --> 00:02:47,298
Stewie, get lost.
Daddy's trying to
watch the ball game.
25
00:02:47,367 --> 00:02:49,665
You can't talk.
I've knocked out your
communication systems.
26
00:02:49,735 --> 00:02:51,432
Lois, Stewie's making noise.
27
00:02:51,501 --> 00:02:53,532
As we speak,
I'm boarding your vessel.
28
00:02:53,600 --> 00:02:55,066
Hey, hey, look, Stewie,
Rupert wants to go play
29
00:02:55,135 --> 00:02:56,166
down in the basement.
30
00:02:56,235 --> 00:02:57,365
(IN CHILDISH VOICE)
"Hey, hey, Stewie,
31
00:02:57,433 --> 00:02:58,632
"I'm gonna go play
down in the basement.
32
00:02:58,700 --> 00:02:59,999
"Here I go." (HUMMING)
33
00:03:00,068 --> 00:03:01,233
What? Why, Rupert?
34
00:03:01,300 --> 00:03:03,132
Why do you want to play
in the basement?
35
00:03:03,201 --> 00:03:05,266
"I don't know, I just
feel like there might be
some fun stuff down there."
36
00:03:05,334 --> 00:03:06,632
I'm not following
your logic.
37
00:03:06,701 --> 00:03:08,165
And why are you talking
different than usual?
38
00:03:08,233 --> 00:03:09,232
"Here I go."
39
00:03:09,300 --> 00:03:10,899
Rupert, get back here.
40
00:03:11,700 --> 00:03:12,965
Rupert?
41
00:03:13,034 --> 00:03:14,698
Oh, there you are.
42
00:03:14,767 --> 00:03:17,431
Wow, look at all
the old stuff down here.
43
00:03:17,500 --> 00:03:18,799
Hello, what's this?
44
00:03:21,734 --> 00:03:23,699
"What I Learned on
Jefferson Street.
45
00:03:23,768 --> 00:03:26,032
"Written by
H. Brian Griffin."
46
00:03:26,101 --> 00:03:28,199
(LAUGHS) Oh, yes.
47
00:03:35,867 --> 00:03:37,232
What's this?
48
00:03:37,301 --> 00:03:38,966
What the hell...
Where the hell
did this come from?
49
00:03:39,035 --> 00:03:40,200
What is it, Brian?
50
00:03:40,268 --> 00:03:41,732
It's the first thing
I ever wrote.
51
00:03:41,801 --> 00:03:43,898
It's a script for
a television show,
a drama.
52
00:03:43,967 --> 00:03:45,299
I had an idea
for a script once.
53
00:03:45,368 --> 00:03:46,732
It's basically Jaws,
54
00:03:46,801 --> 00:03:49,199
except when
the guys in the boat
are going after Jaws,
55
00:03:49,268 --> 00:03:51,766
they look around and
there's an even bigger Jaws,
56
00:03:51,834 --> 00:03:55,132
so the guys have to
team up with Jaws
to get bigger Jaws.
57
00:03:55,201 --> 00:03:56,832
I call it Big Jaws.
58
00:03:56,901 --> 00:03:58,332
Wait, that's not what
your script's about, is it?
59
00:03:58,401 --> 00:04:00,099
No.
Okay, good.
60
00:04:00,167 --> 00:04:01,832
God, I haven't
looked at this in years.
61
00:04:01,901 --> 00:04:04,598
I don't even remember
if it's any good or not.
62
00:04:05,402 --> 00:04:07,598
Oh, wait a minute. Yeah.
63
00:04:07,667 --> 00:04:09,199
Yeah, this is all
coming back to me.
64
00:04:09,268 --> 00:04:11,432
You know, this is actually
not too bad a piece of work.
65
00:04:11,500 --> 00:04:14,333
This was kind of deep,
as I recall.
66
00:04:14,402 --> 00:04:16,032
You know, Lois, you might
actually be interested
67
00:04:16,101 --> 00:04:18,565
in reading this.
68
00:04:18,634 --> 00:04:21,432
You might actually...
You might like this.
69
00:04:22,901 --> 00:04:24,932
You should look at it.
70
00:04:30,968 --> 00:04:32,666
All right, damn it!
71
00:04:36,335 --> 00:04:38,199
So, have you
read the script yet?
72
00:04:38,268 --> 00:04:40,932
Oh, I'm sorry, Brian,
I haven't gotten
around to it.
73
00:04:41,001 --> 00:04:43,399
Why not now, you know?
Just get it off your plate.
74
00:04:43,467 --> 00:04:44,699
Oh, gosh, you know what?
75
00:04:44,768 --> 00:04:46,932
I don't even know what I did
with the copy that you gave...
76
00:04:47,001 --> 00:04:48,765
Oh, fuck! There it is.
77
00:04:48,834 --> 00:04:50,265
Hey, you know what else
would be great?
78
00:04:50,334 --> 00:04:52,399
Why don't you put
check marks next to
scenes you like?
79
00:04:52,467 --> 00:04:53,932
Well, I don't have a...
Here's a pen.
80
00:04:54,001 --> 00:04:57,266
You know, I'll just leave it
for you right here.
81
00:04:57,334 --> 00:04:59,432
Okay. Thank you, Brian.
82
00:04:59,501 --> 00:05:01,132
Hey, you know what
I'll do to make it
even easier?
83
00:05:01,201 --> 00:05:04,199
I'll just go ahead
and place this
in your hand.
84
00:05:04,268 --> 00:05:05,733
There we are.
And now when you go,
85
00:05:05,801 --> 00:05:07,132
"Oh, where's
that crazy pen?"
86
00:05:07,201 --> 00:05:09,266
Well, there it is.
87
00:05:09,335 --> 00:05:10,766
It's in your hand.
88
00:05:10,835 --> 00:05:12,733
Brian, I'm not
gonna read this
with you standing here.
89
00:05:12,801 --> 00:05:14,299
Oh, it's okay,
I don't mind.
90
00:05:15,301 --> 00:05:16,432
Go for a ride in the car?
91
00:05:16,501 --> 00:05:17,599
(GASPS)
92
00:05:21,467 --> 00:05:22,698
Come on!
93
00:05:27,402 --> 00:05:29,665
Why the hell is it
taking her so long
to read that thing?
94
00:05:29,734 --> 00:05:31,366
I don't know,
I saw her giving Joe notes
95
00:05:31,434 --> 00:05:32,765
on his pilot this morning.
96
00:05:32,834 --> 00:05:33,866
What?
97
00:05:33,935 --> 00:05:35,299
Brian, your script...
98
00:05:37,068 --> 00:05:39,032
It was enchanting.
99
00:05:39,101 --> 00:05:40,499
This Brian Griffin,
100
00:05:40,567 --> 00:05:42,532
I've never met
this Brian Griffin.
101
00:05:42,601 --> 00:05:43,932
I would have
told you last night,
102
00:05:44,001 --> 00:05:46,599
but I was 100% sure
you ripped it off.
103
00:05:46,667 --> 00:05:48,298
But after spending
the last 18 hours
104
00:05:48,367 --> 00:05:49,798
on the Internet
and in libraries
105
00:05:49,867 --> 00:05:51,499
trying to find
traces of it somewhere,
106
00:05:51,567 --> 00:05:52,866
I couldn't find a thing.
107
00:05:52,935 --> 00:05:55,333
Well, I'm...
I'm so happy you liked it.
108
00:05:55,402 --> 00:05:56,933
Look, I don't want
to get your hopes up,
109
00:05:57,001 --> 00:06:00,166
but Daddy's got
some connections
over at CBS,
110
00:06:00,235 --> 00:06:03,099
and I think he could
help you get this on TV.
111
00:06:03,167 --> 00:06:04,999
That's amazing, Lois!
Thank you!
112
00:06:05,067 --> 00:06:07,599
Oh, I am very
proud of you.
113
00:06:07,667 --> 00:06:09,799
My God! A TV pilot.
114
00:06:09,868 --> 00:06:13,865
Wow, Brian, you must feel
like Hitler did after
he wrote Mein Kampf.
115
00:06:13,934 --> 00:06:15,699
Well, we read it
and we don't like it.
116
00:06:15,767 --> 00:06:16,799
(SIGHS)
117
00:06:16,867 --> 00:06:17,865
We love it!
118
00:06:17,934 --> 00:06:19,299
(BOTH LAUGHING)
119
00:06:19,367 --> 00:06:21,665
You got me!
120
00:06:21,734 --> 00:06:23,966
I could have killed you,
Mr. Weinberg!
121
00:06:35,567 --> 00:06:38,066
(SNICKERING)
122
00:06:38,135 --> 00:06:41,966
"Dear Diary,
still no sign of that
tampon from last week,
123
00:06:42,035 --> 00:06:44,399
"but the headaches
are getting worse."
124
00:06:44,467 --> 00:06:45,498
(GASPS)
125
00:06:45,567 --> 00:06:48,133
Chris, what are you doing?
Give me that!
126
00:06:48,202 --> 00:06:50,099
(LAUGHING)
127
00:06:54,301 --> 00:06:56,732
Well, I'm off to buy
imaginary groceries.
128
00:07:03,601 --> 00:07:05,065
(GASPS) Do you
think he's okay?
129
00:07:05,134 --> 00:07:06,199
I don't know.
130
00:07:06,268 --> 00:07:08,065
You idiot!
This is your fault.
131
00:07:08,134 --> 00:07:10,365
My fault? You were
the one chasing me.
132
00:07:10,434 --> 00:07:12,199
You were the one
reading my diary.
133
00:07:12,268 --> 00:07:13,732
LOIS: Kids, breakfast.
134
00:07:13,801 --> 00:07:15,565
What do we do?
Is he breathing?
135
00:07:15,634 --> 00:07:16,766
It looks like it.
136
00:07:16,834 --> 00:07:18,132
That's a good sign, right?
137
00:07:28,500 --> 00:07:30,999
Brian, I'm afraid
I'm going to have
to be blunt with you.
138
00:07:31,067 --> 00:07:32,065
Yeah?
139
00:07:32,134 --> 00:07:33,766
We love this pilot!
140
00:07:33,834 --> 00:07:35,699
Oh, my God,
141
00:07:35,768 --> 00:07:37,299
I felt like Hitler just then.
142
00:07:37,367 --> 00:07:38,599
What?
It was a joke.
143
00:07:38,668 --> 00:07:40,599
I just said
I felt like Hitler.
144
00:07:42,601 --> 00:07:45,066
What? Nobody here's
Jewish, right?
145
00:07:45,134 --> 00:07:48,065
Gee, I don't know.
Are you Jewish, Gordon?
146
00:07:48,134 --> 00:07:50,765
I don't know, Jeremy,
are you?
147
00:07:50,834 --> 00:07:53,199
I had no idea. I'm sorry.
148
00:07:53,267 --> 00:07:54,265
Hey, Brian.
149
00:07:54,333 --> 00:07:56,699
We're both Italian. (LAUGHS)
150
00:07:56,768 --> 00:07:58,165
You're in.
(SIGHS)
151
00:07:58,233 --> 00:07:59,832
(ALL LAUGHING)
152
00:07:59,901 --> 00:08:02,465
That's a good one.
That's a good one.
153
00:08:02,534 --> 00:08:06,231
(CHOIR SINGING)
154
00:08:12,567 --> 00:08:15,098
Chris, I'm worried.
Stewie's still unconscious.
155
00:08:15,167 --> 00:08:16,666
Maybe he's just sleeping.
156
00:08:16,734 --> 00:08:17,798
Is Stewie in here?
157
00:08:17,867 --> 00:08:19,198
Yes.
158
00:08:19,267 --> 00:08:21,265
Well, can you give him to me?
It's time for his dinner.
159
00:08:21,334 --> 00:08:23,232
Oh, don't worry, Mom,
we'll bring him down.
160
00:08:23,300 --> 00:08:26,265
Anything I can do
to make your life
a little easier.
161
00:08:26,334 --> 00:08:27,965
Well, you could
always grab the vacuum
162
00:08:28,034 --> 00:08:29,632
and clean up
the living room floor.
163
00:08:29,700 --> 00:08:31,298
Oh, sure,
I'll take care of that.
164
00:08:31,367 --> 00:08:33,932
Are you running
off to your job?
165
00:08:34,001 --> 00:08:35,065
Oh.
166
00:08:35,134 --> 00:08:37,032
Yeah.
Okay.
167
00:08:37,101 --> 00:08:38,165
Yeah.
168
00:08:38,234 --> 00:08:40,098
We'll bring him down, Mom.
169
00:08:40,167 --> 00:08:41,799
All right.
We've got to take
him down to dinner.
170
00:08:41,868 --> 00:08:43,632
I think
he's okay to travel.
171
00:08:52,567 --> 00:08:53,732
I know we're not
gonna do this,
172
00:08:53,801 --> 00:08:54,999
but at this point
I almost think
173
00:08:55,067 --> 00:08:57,499
we should just cut him up
and flush him down the toilet.
174
00:08:59,834 --> 00:09:01,299
Oh, not too much
chicken for me, Lois.
175
00:09:01,367 --> 00:09:03,099
I've gotta save my
appetite for all that
176
00:09:03,168 --> 00:09:05,233
studio commissary
food tomorrow.
177
00:09:05,301 --> 00:09:07,332
You know what would be
a great idea for a TV show?
178
00:09:07,400 --> 00:09:11,033
A sitcom about former
major league pitchers
Phil and Joe Niekro
179
00:09:11,102 --> 00:09:12,933
enjoying their
retirement years.
180
00:09:13,001 --> 00:09:15,365
You'd call it
Those Lazy Niekros.
181
00:09:15,434 --> 00:09:18,733
Kids, what is
taking so long?
Dinner's ready.
182
00:09:22,467 --> 00:09:25,999
Oh, look at my
little cowboy.
183
00:09:26,068 --> 00:09:28,766
Come on, Stewie,
up in your high chair.
184
00:09:30,601 --> 00:09:32,965
Boy, he must be starving.
185
00:09:33,034 --> 00:09:34,999
Yep, he's really
chowing down.
186
00:09:35,067 --> 00:09:37,065
Hey, how's
the food, Stewie?
187
00:09:37,134 --> 00:09:41,131
(IN BRITISH ACCENT)
Blimey, it's right delicious,
I do declare.
188
00:09:41,200 --> 00:09:43,899
Brian, have you decided
who's gonna star
in your show?
189
00:09:43,968 --> 00:09:45,699
Well, it's a tough role.
190
00:09:45,768 --> 00:09:48,565
I mean, Byron is
a 25-year-old single father
going back to finish college
191
00:09:48,634 --> 00:09:51,032
so he can do right by his
four-year-old daughter.
192
00:09:51,101 --> 00:09:52,532
So it's got to be
somebody who can project
193
00:09:52,601 --> 00:09:55,065
a certain amount of
world-wizened sophistication,
194
00:09:55,134 --> 00:09:56,932
while at the same time
retaining a certain
195
00:09:57,001 --> 00:09:58,632
youthfully
passionate idealism.
196
00:09:58,701 --> 00:10:00,399
You know who'd be good?
Big Jaws.
197
00:10:00,467 --> 00:10:02,332
Actually, in my mind,
there's only one actor
198
00:10:02,401 --> 00:10:04,532
who could do this role.
Elijah Wood.
199
00:10:04,601 --> 00:10:06,332
(IN BRITISH ACCENT)
Oh, Elijah Wood.
200
00:10:06,401 --> 00:10:08,999
I got a little bit of
a crush on him, I have.
201
00:10:09,867 --> 00:10:11,565
Oh, look, Lois, wishbone.
202
00:10:11,634 --> 00:10:15,732
Okay, ready?
One, two, three.
203
00:10:15,801 --> 00:10:17,765
Yes! (GASPS)
I got five seconds.
204
00:10:22,934 --> 00:10:25,332
(EXCLAIMS) No gravity.
205
00:10:29,868 --> 00:10:31,932
There he is!
206
00:10:32,001 --> 00:10:33,432
Oh, go on.
207
00:10:33,501 --> 00:10:34,699
No, really, go on.
208
00:10:34,767 --> 00:10:36,865
(ALL LAUGHING)
209
00:10:36,935 --> 00:10:38,400
Hi, I'm Todd Goldstein,
210
00:10:38,467 --> 00:10:40,899
senior executive
of programming here
at the network.
211
00:10:40,968 --> 00:10:42,732
We are so happy to
be working with you.
212
00:10:42,801 --> 00:10:45,166
I hope you
brought the magic wand
you wrote this with.
213
00:10:45,235 --> 00:10:46,632
Yep, it's right here.
214
00:10:46,700 --> 00:10:48,799
Watch, I'll turn
this beautiful princess
into a toad.
215
00:10:48,867 --> 00:10:50,199
Bing.
Ribbit.
216
00:10:50,268 --> 00:10:51,832
(ALL LAUGHING)
217
00:10:51,901 --> 00:10:54,732
Oh, all right,
I can tell this is
gonna be a fun process.
218
00:10:54,801 --> 00:10:57,365
You know, Brian,
you've spun gold
into these pages,
219
00:10:57,434 --> 00:10:59,766
and it's our job
to bring that gold
to the screen.
220
00:10:59,835 --> 00:11:02,133
So, what do
you say we get this
casting session started?
221
00:11:02,202 --> 00:11:03,498
Let's do it.
Yeah!
222
00:11:03,567 --> 00:11:05,266
All right!
Yeah!
223
00:11:05,334 --> 00:11:07,399
(BRIAN BARKING)
224
00:11:07,468 --> 00:11:10,099
Okay, now obviously,
we love Elijah Wood
225
00:11:10,168 --> 00:11:11,699
for the part of Byron
as much as you do.
226
00:11:11,768 --> 00:11:13,632
The audition is
just a formality.
227
00:11:13,701 --> 00:11:15,099
Let's bring him in.
228
00:11:15,167 --> 00:11:16,532
Elijah?
229
00:11:16,601 --> 00:11:17,799
Hi, everyone.
230
00:11:17,868 --> 00:11:19,332
Hey, Elijah.
231
00:11:19,400 --> 00:11:21,632
So should I just
jump into this?
232
00:11:21,701 --> 00:11:22,966
Whenever you're ready.
233
00:11:23,034 --> 00:11:24,665
Okay, I'll read
you in, Elijah.
234
00:11:24,734 --> 00:11:27,066
Now, this is the scene
where Byron's professor
fails him
235
00:11:27,134 --> 00:11:28,566
for missing
the chemistry midterm
236
00:11:28,634 --> 00:11:30,765
to take his daughter
to the doctor.
237
00:11:30,834 --> 00:11:34,300
"I'm sorry, Byron,
missing the midterm
is an automatic failure."
238
00:11:34,367 --> 00:11:36,965
Go ahead, Professor Watkins,
fail me if you want.
239
00:11:37,034 --> 00:11:38,566
Give me an "F" on the exam.
240
00:11:38,634 --> 00:11:40,999
I don't care because
I got an "A" today,
241
00:11:41,068 --> 00:11:42,165
as a dad.
242
00:11:42,234 --> 00:11:43,499
Maybe this is news to you,
243
00:11:43,568 --> 00:11:46,432
but love isn't some element
on your periodic table.
244
00:11:46,500 --> 00:11:47,565
So, you know what?
245
00:11:47,634 --> 00:11:49,532
Keep your
chromium and magnesium,
246
00:11:49,601 --> 00:11:52,265
because I discovered
a much more precious element.
247
00:11:52,334 --> 00:11:53,999
I discovered Dadmium.
248
00:11:55,968 --> 00:11:57,132
Wow.
249
00:11:57,201 --> 00:11:58,999
Does that audition come
with a box of tissues?
250
00:11:59,067 --> 00:12:00,499
That was a great read.
251
00:12:00,568 --> 00:12:01,565
Thanks, everybody.
252
00:12:03,001 --> 00:12:04,665
I mean, come on.
How great is he?
253
00:12:04,734 --> 00:12:07,266
Wow. He's amazing.
That's our guy.
254
00:12:07,334 --> 00:12:08,565
That's our Byron.
255
00:12:08,634 --> 00:12:10,332
Great. Then we're
good to go.
Absolutely.
256
00:12:10,401 --> 00:12:11,999
Totally.
So, we're done.
257
00:12:12,067 --> 00:12:14,232
Look, since we're playing
with house money,
258
00:12:14,301 --> 00:12:16,632
we do have one more guy.
259
00:12:16,701 --> 00:12:17,798
What?
Oh, don't worry.
260
00:12:17,867 --> 00:12:19,432
He's not Byron.
261
00:12:19,501 --> 00:12:21,499
Somebody upstairs
threw out a name,
got real excited about it,
262
00:12:21,567 --> 00:12:23,232
so we're just
playing the game.
263
00:12:23,300 --> 00:12:25,299
Okay, so who?
264
00:12:25,368 --> 00:12:27,299
Hey, what's up,
douche bags?
265
00:12:27,368 --> 00:12:29,333
I'm here to audition
for this stupid pilot.
266
00:12:29,401 --> 00:12:31,498
(ALL LAUGHING)
267
00:12:31,568 --> 00:12:33,133
James Woods?
268
00:12:33,202 --> 00:12:34,599
Thanks for
coming in, Jimmy.
269
00:12:34,667 --> 00:12:35,932
Do you need
a copy of the scene?
270
00:12:36,001 --> 00:12:37,199
Nah, I got it memorized.
271
00:12:37,268 --> 00:12:38,832
Just like your
wife's phone number.
272
00:12:38,901 --> 00:12:40,632
(ALL LAUGHING)
273
00:12:40,700 --> 00:12:41,832
No, he didn't!
274
00:12:41,901 --> 00:12:43,431
I do, though.
I have it memorized.
275
00:12:43,500 --> 00:12:45,400
Wait a second.
I don't want this guy
anywhere near this show!
276
00:12:45,467 --> 00:12:47,465
He's been harassing
my family for years!
277
00:12:47,534 --> 00:12:50,033
He stalked
my best friend and then
he stole his identity!
278
00:12:50,101 --> 00:12:52,166
(ALL LAUGHING)
279
00:12:52,235 --> 00:12:53,799
Oh, my God.
That's an episode!
280
00:12:53,867 --> 00:12:55,400
Brian, will you
read him in?
281
00:12:56,301 --> 00:12:57,899
(SIGHS)
282
00:12:57,968 --> 00:13:00,932
"I'm sorry, Byron.
Missing the midterm
is an automatic failure."
283
00:13:01,001 --> 00:13:02,265
Hey, science face,
284
00:13:02,334 --> 00:13:05,132
I got an "F" for you.
It stands for "Fuck you."
285
00:13:05,201 --> 00:13:06,465
(ALL LAUGHING)
286
00:13:06,534 --> 00:13:07,566
There he is!
287
00:13:07,634 --> 00:13:08,665
Hey, and guess what?
288
00:13:08,734 --> 00:13:10,999
I discovered
a new element. (FARTS)
289
00:13:11,067 --> 00:13:12,200
(ALL LAUGHING)
290
00:13:13,534 --> 00:13:15,532
Okay, thanks
a lot, everybody.
I got to go.
291
00:13:15,601 --> 00:13:17,532
I got some school
bus seats to sniff.
292
00:13:18,634 --> 00:13:20,332
(ALL LAUGHING)
Seriously, stop it!
293
00:13:20,401 --> 00:13:22,366
Okay, did everyone else
feel that?
294
00:13:22,435 --> 00:13:24,232
I felt it.
Oh, I felt it, too.
295
00:13:24,301 --> 00:13:26,366
I felt whatever the most
senior executive
in this room felt.
296
00:13:26,435 --> 00:13:27,832
Okay, good.
So we all felt it.
297
00:13:27,901 --> 00:13:30,132
Wait, you're not seriously
considering him, are you?
298
00:13:30,201 --> 00:13:31,832
James Woods is insane.
299
00:13:31,901 --> 00:13:33,266
And on top of that,
he's, like, 60.
300
00:13:33,334 --> 00:13:35,532
The character of Byron
is 25 years old.
301
00:13:35,601 --> 00:13:39,232
I know, I know.
But what if he wasn't?
302
00:13:39,301 --> 00:13:41,232
What? But he is.
...n't.
303
00:13:41,300 --> 00:13:42,532
My God!
This is a nightmare.
304
00:13:42,600 --> 00:13:44,598
I thought you said
you weren't gonna mess
with my show.
305
00:13:44,668 --> 00:13:47,299
It's a small change, Brian.
You won't even notice it.
306
00:13:47,368 --> 00:13:49,032
You guys aren't gonna
fucking believe this.
307
00:13:49,101 --> 00:13:52,531
Call a tow truck.
I just banged into
some homo's Prius.
308
00:13:56,102 --> 00:13:57,532
This is Rob, our director.
309
00:13:57,601 --> 00:14:00,566
Hey, Brian.
Really looking forward
to making your show.
310
00:14:00,634 --> 00:14:03,132
What's with all
those empty seats?
311
00:14:03,201 --> 00:14:04,799
Well, that's where
the audience is gonna sit.
312
00:14:04,868 --> 00:14:07,532
Audience?
This isn't a sitcom.
It's a drama.
313
00:14:07,601 --> 00:14:10,999
Well, we thought
it would be a lot funnier
if it was a sitcom.
314
00:14:11,067 --> 00:14:13,699
It's not
supposed to be funny.
It's a serious drama
315
00:14:13,768 --> 00:14:16,233
about a single father
raising his
four-year-old daughter.
316
00:14:16,302 --> 00:14:18,299
Oh, right.
That's the other thing.
317
00:14:18,367 --> 00:14:20,632
Now, this is
just a thought,
but we're doing it.
318
00:14:20,701 --> 00:14:22,332
She's 18.
What?
319
00:14:22,401 --> 00:14:25,065
It was James Woods' idea
and we thought it was
just the right hook.
320
00:14:25,134 --> 00:14:26,766
I mean, how great is that?
321
00:14:26,834 --> 00:14:30,231
A father and a daughter,
both in college together?
322
00:14:30,300 --> 00:14:32,432
Hey, do you guys
think this outfit
is too revealing?
323
00:14:32,500 --> 00:14:35,433
What do you think, Brian?
I mean, what do you
think of the ta-tas?
324
00:14:35,501 --> 00:14:37,566
Can we do better?
I think we can
do better, right?
325
00:14:37,634 --> 00:14:38,666
What?
326
00:14:38,734 --> 00:14:40,599
Look, they are
getting a lot of support
327
00:14:40,668 --> 00:14:41,799
from the undergarments
328
00:14:41,868 --> 00:14:43,799
and naked
they would be, like,
329
00:14:43,868 --> 00:14:45,499
mucho sloppy.
330
00:14:45,568 --> 00:14:47,666
Okay? Like taco
Joe here, bro.
331
00:14:47,734 --> 00:14:49,132
I mean, I'm just...
Like, I mean,
332
00:14:49,201 --> 00:14:51,433
naked they'd be
running away from
each other, okay?
333
00:14:51,501 --> 00:14:52,833
I don't...
334
00:14:52,901 --> 00:14:53,866
I don't think
they are playing
for the same team.
335
00:14:53,935 --> 00:14:55,299
Who is this?
Where'd you get this girl?
336
00:14:55,368 --> 00:14:57,666
Oh, by the way,
I need a chimp sidekick.
337
00:15:01,967 --> 00:15:03,699
Maybe we should
take him to the hospital.
338
00:15:03,768 --> 00:15:05,099
I think the maggots
have evolved
339
00:15:05,168 --> 00:15:08,032
to the point
that they've developed
space travel.
340
00:15:08,768 --> 00:15:11,199
(MAGGOTS CHEERING)
341
00:15:11,268 --> 00:15:12,999
We just gotta
clean the wound, Meg.
342
00:15:13,068 --> 00:15:14,799
Hand me that scrub brush.
343
00:15:16,134 --> 00:15:17,999
Hey, Chris.
Hey, Dad.
344
00:15:20,534 --> 00:15:23,399
So, question.
How long has Stewie
been unconscious?
345
00:15:23,467 --> 00:15:25,066
Oh, my God!
Chris, he knows!
346
00:15:25,135 --> 00:15:27,266
Dad, I am so sorry.
347
00:15:27,335 --> 00:15:29,966
We should have told somebody,
but we were too scared,
348
00:15:30,035 --> 00:15:33,366
and I wanted to
take him to the hospital,
but Chris wouldn't let me.
349
00:15:33,434 --> 00:15:35,532
Good, Chris.
I've taught you well.
350
00:15:35,601 --> 00:15:37,266
You've got
the right instincts.
351
00:15:37,335 --> 00:15:39,566
When you were babies,
I used to knock you kids out
every month or so.
352
00:15:39,634 --> 00:15:41,999
Sometimes by accident,
sometimes when
the Patriots lost.
353
00:15:42,068 --> 00:15:44,432
You just gotta cover it up,
and eventually
it all works out.
354
00:15:44,501 --> 00:15:46,066
Meg, this is
a list of hats.
355
00:15:46,135 --> 00:15:47,199
I need these by 4:00.
356
00:15:47,268 --> 00:15:48,765
Good idea.
357
00:15:48,834 --> 00:15:51,665
One of those hats
would have helped him
at the park today.
358
00:15:51,734 --> 00:15:53,965
Chris, did you put
a coonskin cap on Stewie?
359
00:15:54,034 --> 00:15:55,265
No, why?
360
00:15:56,934 --> 00:15:58,065
(LAUGHS)
361
00:15:58,134 --> 00:16:00,499
They look like
little robbers.
362
00:16:04,768 --> 00:16:07,431
Hey, good evening, everyone,
and welcome to
the first taping
363
00:16:07,500 --> 00:16:10,866
of CBS's new hit comedy,
Class Holes!
364
00:16:10,935 --> 00:16:12,832
(ALL CHEERING)
365
00:16:12,901 --> 00:16:14,366
Wait a minute.
That's not the title.
366
00:16:14,434 --> 00:16:16,166
It's called
What I Learned on
Jefferson Street.
367
00:16:16,235 --> 00:16:17,966
Yeah, it didn't
make a lot of sense,
368
00:16:18,035 --> 00:16:19,732
now that he lives
on Boner Street.
369
00:16:19,801 --> 00:16:21,565
And action!
370
00:16:21,634 --> 00:16:23,632
Okay, Hillary,
you know the bet.
371
00:16:23,700 --> 00:16:26,898
You have to sleep
with the next guy that
walks through that door.
372
00:16:26,967 --> 00:16:28,165
Got it.
373
00:16:28,501 --> 00:16:29,565
Dad?
374
00:16:29,634 --> 00:16:31,198
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
375
00:16:31,267 --> 00:16:32,532
Hillary?
376
00:16:32,601 --> 00:16:33,665
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
377
00:16:33,734 --> 00:16:34,865
You're in college?
378
00:16:34,934 --> 00:16:36,099
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
379
00:16:36,167 --> 00:16:38,398
You're my new
college roommate?
380
00:16:38,467 --> 00:16:39,765
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
381
00:16:39,834 --> 00:16:41,499
We're gonna be
living together?
382
00:16:41,567 --> 00:16:42,865
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
383
00:16:42,934 --> 00:16:44,465
In the same dorm?
384
00:16:44,534 --> 00:16:45,632
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
385
00:16:45,700 --> 00:16:46,965
For the whole year?
386
00:16:47,034 --> 00:16:48,298
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
387
00:16:48,367 --> 00:16:50,465
With my chimp sidekick?
388
00:16:52,935 --> 00:16:54,166
Brian, they love it.
389
00:16:54,235 --> 00:16:56,066
What is this?
This isn't my script.
390
00:16:56,135 --> 00:16:57,166
What the hell
did you do to it?
391
00:16:57,235 --> 00:16:58,365
We hired
a couple of writers
392
00:16:58,434 --> 00:16:59,999
to come in and punch
it up a little bit.
393
00:17:00,067 --> 00:17:01,933
Brian, we love
this project.
394
00:17:02,001 --> 00:17:04,333
Just love it.
But don't ask us
to marry it.
395
00:17:04,402 --> 00:17:06,133
JK, LOL. I might do it.
396
00:17:06,202 --> 00:17:08,766
Gross, no way!
But, maybe.
397
00:17:08,834 --> 00:17:10,632
And I've got
great news for you.
398
00:17:10,701 --> 00:17:12,799
We just got an e-mail
from the network heads.
399
00:17:12,867 --> 00:17:15,565
They want to
pick up Class Holes
for 22 episodes!
400
00:17:15,634 --> 00:17:16,632
Really?
401
00:17:16,701 --> 00:17:17,765
Yeah, aren't you thrilled?
402
00:17:17,834 --> 00:17:20,131
Uh, I'm not sure.
403
00:17:20,200 --> 00:17:23,232
Hey, guys,
the chimp just ripped
the other girl's boob off.
404
00:17:23,301 --> 00:17:25,832
Please tell me
you got that on camera.
405
00:17:32,001 --> 00:17:34,299
Lois, I wish you
hadn't gone through
all this trouble.
406
00:17:34,368 --> 00:17:36,965
Are you kidding?
I'm so excited.
407
00:17:37,034 --> 00:17:38,565
From the first time
I read that script,
408
00:17:38,634 --> 00:17:40,766
I just knew it was
gonna make it on TV.
409
00:17:40,834 --> 00:17:41,899
I could see it.
410
00:17:41,967 --> 00:17:44,432
Well, yeah, I mean,
but the real victory
411
00:17:44,501 --> 00:17:46,632
is just having
a show make it to TV.
412
00:17:46,701 --> 00:17:48,565
I mean, we almost
don't even need to watch.
413
00:17:48,634 --> 00:17:50,966
Hey, what's the cast
of Two and a Half Men
doing here?
414
00:17:51,034 --> 00:17:54,398
Well, you're always
saying our show sucks.
Let's see yours.
415
00:17:54,467 --> 00:17:57,899
Come on, Peter!
Come on, kids!
The show's about to start!
416
00:17:57,968 --> 00:18:00,066
I'm coming.
I was just
getting Stewie.
417
00:18:00,135 --> 00:18:02,432
All right, got the little
guy up from his nap.
418
00:18:02,500 --> 00:18:05,366
Say hello
to everyone, Stewie.
419
00:18:05,434 --> 00:18:06,665
ALL: Aw!
420
00:18:06,734 --> 00:18:09,432
Oh, oh, look, everybody.
It's starting.
421
00:18:11,001 --> 00:18:12,365
(THEME SONG PLAYING)
422
00:18:12,434 --> 00:18:14,099
CHOIR:
♪ There was a man
423
00:18:14,168 --> 00:18:15,833
♪ He dropped out
424
00:18:15,901 --> 00:18:17,432
♪ Now he's back
425
00:18:17,500 --> 00:18:19,565
♪ He had a daughter
426
00:18:19,634 --> 00:18:21,499
♪ Now she's in college
with him ♪
427
00:18:21,568 --> 00:18:23,266
What a pain in my class!
428
00:18:32,734 --> 00:18:34,932
It gets better
after the first...
429
00:18:35,001 --> 00:18:37,165
(SNIFFING)
What smells like head?
430
00:18:39,934 --> 00:18:42,432
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING ON TV)
431
00:18:44,035 --> 00:18:45,966
Well, Dad,
I owe you an apology.
432
00:18:46,035 --> 00:18:48,432
You said you'd win
that talent show,
and you did.
433
00:18:48,500 --> 00:18:50,565
Now everyone's
doing the Charleston.
434
00:18:51,467 --> 00:18:52,632
Not everyone.
435
00:18:52,701 --> 00:18:54,599
Someone's doing The Monkey.
436
00:18:55,901 --> 00:18:57,465
Mr. Nubbins.
Mr. Nubbins.
437
00:18:57,534 --> 00:18:59,331
Well, if you
can't beat them...
438
00:19:00,001 --> 00:19:01,431
(AUDIENCE CLAPPING)
439
00:19:06,734 --> 00:19:09,132
So, what'd you guys think?
440
00:19:09,200 --> 00:19:11,399
Not the worst thing
in the world, right?
441
00:19:12,367 --> 00:19:13,532
Oh, ha-ha.
442
00:19:13,601 --> 00:19:15,666
Time for bed, Stewie.
443
00:19:15,734 --> 00:19:18,298
(HEAD BANGING)
444
00:19:18,367 --> 00:19:20,632
So, really, everybody,
what'd you think?
445
00:19:20,701 --> 00:19:22,099
You want to know
what I think?
446
00:19:22,168 --> 00:19:23,732
Well, yeah.
447
00:19:23,801 --> 00:19:24,799
You son of a bitch!
448
00:19:24,867 --> 00:19:25,899
Oh, my God!
It's a travesty!
449
00:19:25,967 --> 00:19:27,965
Joe, stop it!
And I will kill you!
450
00:19:28,034 --> 00:19:29,765
You bastard!
Come on. Okay,
get him out of here.
451
00:19:29,834 --> 00:19:30,832
We hired a sitter for this!
452
00:19:30,901 --> 00:19:31,899
Get him out of here.
Come on, Joe.
453
00:19:31,967 --> 00:19:34,699
Guys, keep his anus
above his head.
454
00:19:34,768 --> 00:19:36,032
Okay, okay.
All right, all right.
455
00:19:36,101 --> 00:19:37,732
Okay, careful.
Careful, Peter.
456
00:19:37,801 --> 00:19:39,532
PETER: Oh, boy. Oh, boy.
457
00:19:39,601 --> 00:19:42,532
Look, I'm sure
you're disappointed, Lois,
but it wasn't my fault.
458
00:19:42,601 --> 00:19:45,832
There were so many
people interfering.
Of course it's gonna be bad.
459
00:19:45,901 --> 00:19:48,199
I'm not disappointed
because it was bad.
460
00:19:48,267 --> 00:19:50,632
I'm disappointed
because you sold out.
461
00:19:50,701 --> 00:19:52,966
You had something really
special there, Brian.
462
00:19:53,035 --> 00:19:54,933
You had a vision and
you let them change it
463
00:19:55,001 --> 00:19:56,832
because you didn't
believe in yourself.
464
00:19:56,901 --> 00:19:58,233
Lois, what was I gonna do?
465
00:19:58,302 --> 00:20:00,432
It was either
do it their way
or get canceled.
466
00:20:00,501 --> 00:20:03,666
Well, at least then
you would have
had your integrity.
467
00:20:11,134 --> 00:20:12,399
You guys wanted to see me?
468
00:20:12,468 --> 00:20:14,799
Look, Brian, we're really
excited about the ratings.
469
00:20:14,867 --> 00:20:16,965
We're just
really disappointed
with how low they are.
470
00:20:17,034 --> 00:20:18,465
We did some
testing this morning,
471
00:20:18,534 --> 00:20:20,365
and we think
we've discovered
the problem.
472
00:20:20,434 --> 00:20:23,733
People want something
more real, more grounded.
473
00:20:23,801 --> 00:20:25,699
That's exactly
what I think, too.
474
00:20:25,768 --> 00:20:27,899
We need to get back
to the original script.
475
00:20:27,967 --> 00:20:29,965
Byron wants to do right
by his daughter,
476
00:20:30,034 --> 00:20:31,965
and I think that
everyone can relate to that.
477
00:20:32,034 --> 00:20:33,999
That's what
America wants to see.
478
00:20:34,067 --> 00:20:35,966
The simple love
within a family
479
00:20:36,034 --> 00:20:38,200
that conquers all
and makes life worth living.
480
00:20:38,268 --> 00:20:42,532
What if
I'm a cop and the chimp
is my reincarnated partner?
481
00:20:42,600 --> 00:20:44,332
Yes!
That's perfect!
482
00:20:44,401 --> 00:20:46,166
See? That's relatable!
483
00:20:46,235 --> 00:20:47,532
How the hell
is that relatable?
484
00:20:47,600 --> 00:20:50,499
And maybe, the monkey
is also my roommate.
485
00:20:50,567 --> 00:20:53,798
And whenever
I come home at night
and I walk in that door,
486
00:20:53,867 --> 00:20:55,399
what do you think
I slip on?
487
00:20:55,467 --> 00:20:56,499
Monkey stool.
488
00:20:56,567 --> 00:20:57,999
(BOTH LAUGHING)
489
00:20:58,067 --> 00:20:59,098
Terrific.
490
00:20:59,167 --> 00:21:00,532
That's exactly
what would happen.
491
00:21:00,600 --> 00:21:02,499
And every month,
he's got a story
492
00:21:02,568 --> 00:21:04,332
for why he doesn't have
his half of the rent.
493
00:21:04,401 --> 00:21:06,599
I'm not doing this!
494
00:21:06,668 --> 00:21:08,299
What do you mean,
you're not doing it?
495
00:21:08,368 --> 00:21:09,665
I'm drawing the line.
496
00:21:09,734 --> 00:21:11,698
I wrote a script
that really meant
a lot to me,
497
00:21:11,768 --> 00:21:13,431
and you guys took
it and turned it
498
00:21:13,500 --> 00:21:15,232
into something
cheap and ridiculous.
499
00:21:15,300 --> 00:21:18,199
I've had enough.
I'm not selling out anymore.
I quit.
500
00:21:19,900 --> 00:21:21,832
Do you guys have
a studio lawyer
or something,
501
00:21:21,901 --> 00:21:23,265
'cause, you know,
I fucked that chick,
502
00:21:23,333 --> 00:21:26,066
and I think she is
well under 18 years old.
503
00:21:29,234 --> 00:21:30,300
All right,
he's not waking up.
504
00:21:30,368 --> 00:21:31,665
I think we gotta
take these bandages off
505
00:21:31,734 --> 00:21:33,599
and see what
we're dealing with here.
506
00:21:36,434 --> 00:21:38,699
Oh, crap! You smell that?
That's brain smell.
507
00:21:38,768 --> 00:21:40,433
Okay, I don't care
what you say.
508
00:21:40,501 --> 00:21:41,999
He's really hurt,
and I'm gonna do
509
00:21:42,068 --> 00:21:43,499
what I should have done
in the first place.
510
00:21:43,568 --> 00:21:44,933
I'm taking him
to the hospital.
511
00:21:45,001 --> 00:21:47,398
No, no. I got
one last plan, Meg.
512
00:21:56,768 --> 00:22:01,498
Oh, my God! Stewie! Oh, God!
What have I done?
513
00:22:01,567 --> 00:22:03,332
Looks like you
ran over him, Lois.
514
00:22:03,401 --> 00:22:06,133
Oh, no!
He's unconscious!
515
00:22:06,202 --> 00:22:08,199
Peter, Peter,
we have to cover this up!
516
00:22:08,268 --> 00:22:09,932
Yeah, but... What?
517
00:22:10,001 --> 00:22:11,999
Let's put a hat on him
to cover the wound,
518
00:22:12,067 --> 00:22:14,365
and then let's get some
makeup and draw eyeballs
on his eyelids
519
00:22:14,434 --> 00:22:17,032
and find a way to pin
this on someone else.
520
00:22:17,101 --> 00:22:19,632
I love you
so much right now.
521
00:22:19,701 --> 00:22:21,465
Let's go to the hospital.
522
00:22:24,801 --> 00:22:26,365
Well, Brian,
I'm proud of you.
523
00:22:26,434 --> 00:22:28,999
You went in there
and you stood up for
what you believed in.
524
00:22:29,067 --> 00:22:31,166
Yeah, now I don't
have a TV show anymore.
525
00:22:31,234 --> 00:22:33,099
Who cares about that?
526
00:22:33,168 --> 00:22:35,399
You made the right choice
for your own integrity,
527
00:22:35,467 --> 00:22:36,965
and that's what matters.
528
00:22:37,034 --> 00:22:38,766
Well, I suppose
you're right.
529
00:22:38,835 --> 00:22:40,866
And hey, at least I got
something on the air.
530
00:22:40,935 --> 00:22:42,532
I mean, not everyone
can say that.
531
00:22:42,601 --> 00:22:43,999
(CLEARING THROAT)
532
00:22:44,068 --> 00:22:46,232
ANNOUNCER:
We now return to Big Jaws.
533
00:22:47,935 --> 00:22:50,300
Stop eating
our boat, Jaws!
534
00:22:50,367 --> 00:22:51,933
I'm gonna eat your boat,
535
00:22:52,001 --> 00:22:53,565
and then I'm gonna
eat you guys!
536
00:22:53,634 --> 00:22:55,266
(ROARING)
537
00:22:55,335 --> 00:22:56,465
Oh, my God! What's that?
538
00:22:56,534 --> 00:22:58,099
It's Bigger Jaws!
539
00:22:58,167 --> 00:23:00,132
Oh, my God! Now we have
a common enemy.
540
00:23:00,200 --> 00:23:01,466
We have to work together.
541
00:23:01,534 --> 00:23:02,866
I already got
a sequel in mind.
542
00:23:02,934 --> 00:23:04,666
It's called
Way Bigger Jaws.
543
00:23:04,734 --> 00:23:07,365
Hey, I just found out
it's November!
544
00:23:07,434 --> 00:23:09,266
What the fuck happened?
545
00:23:46,567 --> 00:23:47,565
ENGLISH - US - LINE 21