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00:00:03,034 --> 00:00:05,799
♪ It seems today
that all you see
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00:00:05,868 --> 00:00:09,133
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
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00:00:09,200 --> 00:00:12,799
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values
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♪ On which we used to rely?
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♪ Lucky there's a family guy
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♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do
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♪ All the things
that make us
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♪ Laugh and cry
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♪ He's a family guy ♪
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Good evening. I'm Tom Tucker.
Our top story tonight,
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00:00:39,201 --> 00:00:40,366
scientists at NASA
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have made a fascinating
new discovery.
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The first directly
observable instance
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of a black hole,
which appears
to be located
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just outside our solar system.
Tricia Takanawa has the story.
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Tom, I'm standing here
with Stephen Hawking,
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the first white man
I've ever met who knows
math better than me.
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Mr. Hawking,
what does the discovery
of this black hole mean
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to you and
your research?
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(THROUGH SYNTHESIZER)
I am overjoyed.
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This is the crowning
achievement of my career.
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It validates the work
of a lifetime.
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It certainly does.
Back to you, Tom.
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MAN: All right. We're clear.
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I'm telling you, man,
this shtick is getting so old.
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That chair smells, dude.
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MAN: Hey, Steve, surf's up!
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Bitching!
See you, Ching-Chong.
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Everyone, guess what.
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What?
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I have been selected.
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For what?
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Oh, nothing too important.
Just jury duty!
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They have summoned me.
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I am part of an elite
group of individuals
deemed intelligent enough
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to decide the fate
of a fellow citizen.
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(LAUGHING)
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Ah, the amused laughter
of the envious.
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They don't just pick
anybody for this job.
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Yeah, they do.
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Brian, perhaps I have
not made myself clear.
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I have been entrusted to
pass judgment upon others.
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Everybody gets
called for jury duty,
you stupid idiot.
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I've been called!
The only reason you've
never been called
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is that they use the
voter registration list,
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and this past election
is the first time
you ever voted.
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I've voted before.
I stuffed the ballot
box at the Oscars.
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And the nominees
for Best Actor in
a Leading Role are,
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Grover,
Bluto from Popeye,
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a red guy,
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a boob,
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and Daniel Day-Lewis.
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And the Oscar
goes to...
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A red guy!
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(PEOPLE CHEERING)
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Wait a second.
You're saying that everyone
is asked to do jury duty?
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Yes, Peter.
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So, then,
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I'm not special?
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MAN: Everyone's
special, Peter.
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Rock drummer
Tommy Lee!
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And if your wife
ever tells you that
you're not special,
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punch her really hard
right in her hepatitis.
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Thanks, rock drummer
Tommy Lee!
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Hey, and you know
what else is cool?
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Having sex
with sunglasses on.
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I've got a lot of
things to try now!
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I don't want to
go to jury duty.
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Turns out it's not
a special honor at all.
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It's lame.
And the worst part is,
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they try and trick you
into getting excited
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by putting "duty"
in the title.
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So, you were excited
when you thought
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00:03:06,300 --> 00:03:07,899
there was fecal
matter involved?
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What the hell is
"fecal matter"?
Waste.
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Huh?
Doodie.
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Peter, jury duty
is an important
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cornerstone in our
democratic society.
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Yeah, that's what
separates us
from the monkeys.
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That, and the armed
guards at the zoo.
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Man, they got some
sexy monkeys down there.
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I don't care.
Jury duty sounds boring.
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I'm gonna get
myself kicked out.
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Just like I got
kicked out of Coldplay.
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Guys, guys,
I got an idea.
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How about we do a song
that's not whiny bullshit?
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All right,
ladies and gentlemen.
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We're gonna ask
you a series
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of questions to determine
whether or not you can be
impartial jurors.
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First off, do any of
you have any prejudices
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you feel the court
should know of?
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Yes, you sir.
Ants.
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I hate ants.
What?
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That's right.
You heard me.
I'm an ant-hater.
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Just like my daddy,
and his daddy before him.
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So, if this is
an ant trial, forget it.
No way I'm gonna be fair.
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Always making those
cocky little hills.
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Moving around all
single file and stupid.
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All ganging up
and walking my pie
off the picnic blanket.
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(GASPS)
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'Twas my pie gone missing!
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Sir, this is not
an ant trial.
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Oh!
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Is there anything else
we should know about?
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Oh, have you not heard?
Heard what?
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♪ A-well-a bird, bird, bird
B-Bird's the word
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♪ A-well-a bird, bird, bird
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♪ B-Bird's the word,
a-well-a... ♪
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All right, now the
prosecution is about to
show you items pertinent
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to this case that
have been entered
into evidence.
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It is vitally important that
you look but don't touch,
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as any fingerprints
could contaminate them.
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Exhibit A,
one bloody Slinky.
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Oh!
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Exhibit B,
one semen-covered
View-Master
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(GROANS)
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with the reel of
the Grand Canyon,
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(WHINES)
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and a blood-splattered
Mr. Potato Head,
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(WHINES)
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and these socks
you really need.
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(GROANS)
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All right, everyone,
we're going to take
a 10-minute recess.
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I would like to remind
members of the jury
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that you are forbidden
to discuss details of the
case outside the courtroom.
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PETER: Hey,
how about this trial, huh?
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And all its details.
Let's discuss them.
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MAN: He said not to!
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PETER: Hey, you know
how the judge told us
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not to make up
our minds beforehand?
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Let's make up our minds.
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MAN: Griffin, shut up!
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PETER: Hey, I know the judge
said not to run in the hall,
but check this out!
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(PETER LAUGHING)
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JUDGE: Griffin! Knock it off!
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PETER: Hey, come on, Judge.
Tell us the answer.
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The Mexican guy
did it, right?
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MAN ON TV: We now return
to How Henry Kissinger
Met Your Mother.
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I was walking
with my professor,
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when I saw this
woman who was...
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(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)
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(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
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(CONTINUES SPEAKING GIBBERISH)
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(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
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00:06:04,701 --> 00:06:06,632
Stewie, can you please move?
You're blocking the TV.
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No! And I'll thank you
to quiet down.
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I'm playing
action figures.
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Prepare to be bested
on the battlefield, Lion-O.
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Oh, I don't think so,
He-Man. Ow!
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Oh, I'm sorry.
Did I punch you
too hard?
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00:06:15,935 --> 00:06:17,599
Yes, I suppose
you don't know
your own strength.
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Look at your muscles.
Stop it.
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You're the one
with the sick abs.
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God, my mouth is watering
just looking at you.
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Yeah, that's right.
You buy your kids
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ridiculously homoerotic dolls
and then ask what happened?
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Yep. Your gay son
is on you, buddy.
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Explain that
to your god.
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Off to another day
of jury duty, sweetie?
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Yeah, and it sucks.
Even the vending machines
are out of order.
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(LAUGHS LIKE MUTTLEY)
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I don't want to go back
to stupid jury duty.
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There's got to be some
way I can get out of it.
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This is Tom Tucker
with some breaking news.
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NASA has made the
alarming announcement
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that the newly discovered
black hole at the edge
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00:06:52,233 --> 00:06:54,732
of our solar system
appears to be expanding.
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Neptune and Pluto have
already been consumed,
and scientists estimate
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that the event horizon
will reach Earth by tomorrow.
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That's right, Tom.
Which means that
all life on Earth
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will be destroyed
within 24 hours.
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Oh, my God!
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Mom, is this for real?
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Well, it sure looks
that way, sweetie.
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It's the end
of the world.
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Holy crap.
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(KNOCK ON DOOR)
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Seems like
I've run out
of waiting time.
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But it looks like
Nicole Ritchie's baby
is gonna be just fine.
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Also in the news,
the doomsday clock
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is ticking with less than
19 hours to go before our
planet is consumed
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00:07:36,167 --> 00:07:37,966
by an expanding
black hole.
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As Americans everywhere
face their last day on Earth,
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one can only imagine
how they're spending it.
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Hey, Mort.
Now that the end of
the world is here,
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I just wanted to say
no hard feelings, huh?
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(ELECTRICITY SURGING)
(GROANS)
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Psych! (LAUGHS)
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Embedded in the hand.
Yeah, you see,
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00:07:54,467 --> 00:07:56,799
it fits in there 'cause
there's a hole in it.
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Have fun where
you're going.
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Well, it's become clear.
The only way to avert this
disaster is by writing
193
00:08:04,267 --> 00:08:07,166
a strongly-worded letter
to the black hole.
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"Dear Space. Well, you're just
full of surprises, aren't you?
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00:08:11,434 --> 00:08:14,465
"You think you're so good
'cause you went to Choate.
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00:08:14,534 --> 00:08:16,133
"Well, you're not
gonna be so tough
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00:08:16,202 --> 00:08:19,232
"when I put a fish bowl
on my head and a rocket
pack on my back,
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00:08:19,300 --> 00:08:21,499
"and come up there
and punch you."
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00:08:30,100 --> 00:08:31,765
Take that, Orion.
200
00:08:35,001 --> 00:08:38,766
That's right. All you are is
a failed production company.
201
00:08:40,768 --> 00:08:42,332
Joe, Joe,
you got to help me.
202
00:08:42,401 --> 00:08:43,532
You got to help me
get laid!
203
00:08:43,601 --> 00:08:44,899
What are you
talking about,
Quagmire?
204
00:08:44,968 --> 00:08:46,866
I got to get laid!
You got to help me
get laid!
205
00:08:46,934 --> 00:08:48,499
I've never had sex!
What do you mean?
206
00:08:48,567 --> 00:08:50,165
You've had sex
a million times.
207
00:08:50,234 --> 00:08:52,866
Oh, that's all bluster.
I just talk big
for the fellas.
208
00:08:52,934 --> 00:08:55,799
I'm a virgin, Joe!
I don't want to die
a virgin!
209
00:08:55,868 --> 00:08:57,333
Help me, please!
210
00:08:57,401 --> 00:08:59,366
Let me have sex
with Bonnie.
211
00:08:59,434 --> 00:09:00,699
(SIGHS)
212
00:09:00,768 --> 00:09:05,033
I guess so. For my friend
on our last day on Earth.
213
00:09:05,101 --> 00:09:07,266
You're a good man,
Joe Swanson.
214
00:09:08,434 --> 00:09:09,632
How was your
first time?
215
00:09:09,701 --> 00:09:11,133
I've had sex
lots of times.
216
00:09:11,202 --> 00:09:12,632
I just wanted
to have it again.
217
00:09:12,701 --> 00:09:14,032
(SCATTING)
218
00:09:15,134 --> 00:09:16,233
Fuck you.
219
00:09:16,301 --> 00:09:18,833
Who else but Quagmire?
220
00:09:18,901 --> 00:09:20,798
Well, Diane,
now that our time
is almost up,
221
00:09:20,867 --> 00:09:23,165
just to lighten the mood,
we introduce a new feature
222
00:09:23,234 --> 00:09:26,965
called Tom's Crank Calls.
Let's dial that number,
shall we?
223
00:09:28,101 --> 00:09:30,032
Hello, is this
Megan Fox?
224
00:09:30,101 --> 00:09:31,899
I will kill you,
do you understand?
225
00:09:31,967 --> 00:09:34,666
If I can't have you,
no one can.
I will kill you.
226
00:09:34,734 --> 00:09:36,732
This is Tom Tucker.
227
00:09:36,801 --> 00:09:39,032
Well, I know
who you are.
228
00:09:39,101 --> 00:09:42,499
(LAUGHS) It's fun
to see how people react
when they're on the spot.
229
00:09:42,567 --> 00:09:46,132
Look, since
these are our final hours,
I want you kids to know
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00:09:46,201 --> 00:09:47,965
how much your father
and I love you
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00:09:48,034 --> 00:09:50,499
and how important
this family is to us.
232
00:09:50,568 --> 00:09:53,598
Oh, I'm scared.
I wonder what
it's like to die.
233
00:09:53,667 --> 00:09:56,432
I don't know,
but from the look
in a stray cat's eyes
234
00:09:56,501 --> 00:09:57,999
when you're pushing
on its windpipe,
235
00:09:58,068 --> 00:09:59,765
I think it's pretty
terrifying.
236
00:09:59,834 --> 00:10:01,033
Like, panicky.
237
00:10:01,101 --> 00:10:02,465
Hey, Brian, what do you
think is gonna...
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00:10:03,434 --> 00:10:04,532
What was that?
239
00:10:04,600 --> 00:10:05,732
You were praying.
240
00:10:05,800 --> 00:10:07,732
Come on. No, I wasn't.
Yes, you were.
241
00:10:07,800 --> 00:10:09,432
You were praying.
I saw!
242
00:10:09,501 --> 00:10:10,632
No, man. It was a joke.
243
00:10:10,700 --> 00:10:12,532
You were praying!
It was a goof!
244
00:10:12,600 --> 00:10:13,598
I was goofing on you!
245
00:10:13,667 --> 00:10:16,332
You're disingenuous.
246
00:10:18,101 --> 00:10:21,066
Hello, everybody.
This is Montecore.
He's my lion.
247
00:10:21,134 --> 00:10:22,299
I have a lion now.
248
00:10:22,368 --> 00:10:23,366
(ROARS)
249
00:10:23,434 --> 00:10:25,066
Peter,
what the hell?
250
00:10:25,135 --> 00:10:26,932
You know,
I went to the zoo last week
and asked if I could do it,
251
00:10:27,001 --> 00:10:28,632
and they told me to scram.
252
00:10:28,701 --> 00:10:30,466
Went to the zoo this
morning with a shotgun,
and now I have a lion.
253
00:10:30,534 --> 00:10:31,532
Does it bite?
254
00:10:31,601 --> 00:10:33,032
Of course it bites.
It's a lion.
255
00:10:33,100 --> 00:10:34,466
Peter,
get off the lion.
256
00:10:34,534 --> 00:10:36,799
We should spend
some time together
as a family.
257
00:10:36,868 --> 00:10:37,999
I don't think so, Lois.
258
00:10:38,068 --> 00:10:39,732
But the world
is ending.
259
00:10:39,800 --> 00:10:42,832
We should be
spending these final hours
with the people we love most.
260
00:10:42,901 --> 00:10:45,133
Lois, a day ago,
I was stuck on jury duty.
261
00:10:45,201 --> 00:10:47,899
Today, I have
a golden ticket to do
whatever the hell I want.
262
00:10:47,968 --> 00:10:51,132
I feel like an old guy
who's reliving his
youthful shenanigans.
263
00:10:51,201 --> 00:10:53,699
Tell me about when
you were young, Grandpa.
264
00:10:53,767 --> 00:10:55,665
Oh, Sonny,
those were crazy times.
265
00:10:55,734 --> 00:10:57,599
My friends and I
were out of control.
266
00:10:57,667 --> 00:11:00,532
We used to give
each other wet willies
and funny arms.
267
00:11:00,601 --> 00:11:03,999
We'd play dandy-balls
and legs-a-spread
and penis-butt.
268
00:11:04,068 --> 00:11:05,365
Sounds kind of gay,
Grandpa.
269
00:11:05,433 --> 00:11:07,431
It was gay!
Everyone was!
270
00:11:07,500 --> 00:11:09,899
But, back then,
we were called
"pole fancies."
271
00:11:09,968 --> 00:11:11,465
It was real good,
old-fashioned,
272
00:11:11,534 --> 00:11:14,465
grab-the-nearest-tree
-and-hold-on-for-dear-life
gay,
273
00:11:14,534 --> 00:11:17,365
not today's fancy,
featherbed,
thread-count gay.
274
00:11:17,433 --> 00:11:18,966
People got hurt
back then!
275
00:11:19,035 --> 00:11:20,899
That's gay.
Yeah, it was pretty gay.
276
00:11:24,701 --> 00:11:26,365
What the hell are you
doing with a musket?
277
00:11:26,434 --> 00:11:29,266
Last day on Earth.
I've always wanted to save
a Native American family
278
00:11:29,334 --> 00:11:31,332
from rapacious cavalrymen.
279
00:11:32,333 --> 00:11:33,632
(SCREAMING)
280
00:11:36,367 --> 00:11:37,365
(SCREAMS)
281
00:11:38,968 --> 00:11:41,732
Yeah, this one'll do nicely.
282
00:11:43,400 --> 00:11:44,832
PETER: Let her go.
283
00:11:47,101 --> 00:11:49,999
You don't have to be
afraid of him anymore.
284
00:11:53,201 --> 00:11:55,766
TOM ON TV: Stay with us
as the countdown
to doomsday continues
285
00:11:55,835 --> 00:11:57,866
with just
six more hours to go.
286
00:11:57,934 --> 00:11:59,566
The only thing
that's nice about this
287
00:11:59,634 --> 00:12:03,300
is even though
it's a Tuesday, it feels
kind of like it's a Friday.
288
00:12:04,467 --> 00:12:05,765
Peter, where are
you going?
289
00:12:05,834 --> 00:12:07,732
Last day on Earth,
last chance to do this.
290
00:12:07,801 --> 00:12:10,765
I'm going
into the inner city, and
I'm gonna yell the "N" word.
291
00:12:11,634 --> 00:12:13,199
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
292
00:12:14,168 --> 00:12:15,233
(MUSIC STOPS)
293
00:12:18,367 --> 00:12:20,266
They respected me
for saying it.
294
00:12:24,968 --> 00:12:27,933
Well, ladies and gentlemen,
this is it, our final minutes.
295
00:12:28,001 --> 00:12:29,498
Any moment now,
the Earth will be sucked
296
00:12:29,567 --> 00:12:31,765
into the gaping maw
of the black hole.
297
00:12:31,834 --> 00:12:34,300
We here at Channel Five
would like to leave you
with some highlights
298
00:12:34,368 --> 00:12:37,933
of mankind's brief existence,
like the Battle of Hastings.
299
00:12:38,001 --> 00:12:40,966
Guys, if we win this,
we get Hastings.
300
00:12:41,035 --> 00:12:42,465
Yeah, let's do it!
Let's go!
301
00:12:42,534 --> 00:12:44,399
All right, Hastings!
302
00:12:44,467 --> 00:12:45,933
The Ottoman Empire.
303
00:12:46,001 --> 00:12:47,399
I could get
used to this.
304
00:12:47,468 --> 00:12:48,733
You know what?
305
00:12:48,801 --> 00:12:51,132
This is what I want
our empire to be about.
306
00:12:51,201 --> 00:12:53,200
The first
television broadcast.
307
00:12:53,267 --> 00:12:55,431
(PLAYING SERENE TUNE)
308
00:13:06,501 --> 00:13:08,332
And with only
30 seconds to go,
309
00:13:08,401 --> 00:13:11,298
we thank you
for choosing Channel Five
as your Armageddon network.
310
00:13:11,367 --> 00:13:12,832
Mom, where's Dad?
311
00:13:12,901 --> 00:13:14,199
I don't know, Chris.
312
00:13:14,267 --> 00:13:15,266
Sorry I'm late, guys.
313
00:13:15,335 --> 00:13:16,866
Peter, where
have you been?
314
00:13:16,934 --> 00:13:18,866
Look, you try
scheduling
a haircut today.
315
00:13:18,934 --> 00:13:22,066
You know, you'd think you'd
wanna spend your last day
on Earth with your family!
316
00:13:22,135 --> 00:13:23,133
Hey, I'm here, aren't I?
317
00:13:23,200 --> 00:13:24,932
With only
seconds left.
318
00:13:25,001 --> 00:13:26,433
Don't you love me?
319
00:13:26,501 --> 00:13:27,699
Of course I love you, Lois!
320
00:13:27,768 --> 00:13:30,099
You're the most
important person
in the world to me!
321
00:13:30,167 --> 00:13:31,298
You promise?
322
00:13:31,367 --> 00:13:32,366
I promise.
323
00:13:34,267 --> 00:13:36,799
Ten, nine, eight...
324
00:13:36,868 --> 00:13:38,232
I just hate being
around the kids.
325
00:13:38,301 --> 00:13:39,300
What?
326
00:13:39,368 --> 00:13:40,866
...six, five...
327
00:13:40,935 --> 00:13:43,232
Sorry, I just thought
I'd be honest, since
we're gonna die.
328
00:13:43,300 --> 00:13:46,232
...three, two, one.
329
00:13:46,300 --> 00:13:48,099
BOTH: April fools!
330
00:13:48,601 --> 00:13:49,632
What?
331
00:13:49,701 --> 00:13:50,933
You gotta be
kidding me!
332
00:13:51,001 --> 00:13:52,165
We're not gonna die?
333
00:13:52,233 --> 00:13:54,231
No, we're not
gonna die!
334
00:13:54,300 --> 00:13:55,866
(ALL CHEERING)
335
00:13:58,100 --> 00:13:59,899
Wait, what did
Dad just say?
336
00:14:04,467 --> 00:14:07,665
Yes, April Fools!
We at Channel Five
News concocted
337
00:14:07,734 --> 00:14:10,365
the whole black hole story
as part of our commitment
to being festive
338
00:14:10,434 --> 00:14:11,432
around the holidays.
339
00:14:11,501 --> 00:14:13,298
And with only
87 suicides
340
00:14:13,367 --> 00:14:17,232
and widespread looting,
we think this was a pretty
successful practical joke.
341
00:14:17,735 --> 00:14:19,632
You dicks!
342
00:14:19,701 --> 00:14:22,599
Hey, how do you
like that, Lois?
We're gonna live!
343
00:14:22,668 --> 00:14:25,166
Peter, what did you
mean by what you said?
344
00:14:25,235 --> 00:14:26,999
You hate being
around the kids?
345
00:14:27,068 --> 00:14:28,432
Yeah, Dad,
what did you mean?
346
00:14:28,501 --> 00:14:29,733
Don't you like us?
347
00:14:29,801 --> 00:14:31,365
Yeah, what gives?
348
00:14:31,434 --> 00:14:34,166
Well...
Come on. I didn't mean that.
I was just joking around.
349
00:14:34,234 --> 00:14:38,033
Hey, give me a big hug.
How about a big hug
for old Dad?
350
00:14:38,102 --> 00:14:41,032
Kids, why don't
you go upstairs,
so your father and I can talk.
351
00:14:41,101 --> 00:14:44,333
Yeah, come on, Meg and Chris.
Let's get out of here.
352
00:14:46,168 --> 00:14:48,498
Well, I'm off to serve
food at the soup kitchen.
353
00:14:48,567 --> 00:14:51,933
Now that I lived through this,
I have to keep
a promise I made to someone.
354
00:14:52,001 --> 00:14:53,132
STEWIE: It's God!
355
00:14:53,201 --> 00:14:54,732
Peter,
what did you mean?
356
00:14:54,801 --> 00:14:56,499
(SIGHS) All right.
You want the truth?
357
00:14:56,567 --> 00:14:58,032
They bore the hell
out of me, Lois.
358
00:14:58,101 --> 00:14:59,465
Bore the hell
out of you?
359
00:14:59,534 --> 00:15:00,532
They're your kids!
360
00:15:00,601 --> 00:15:01,599
I know, and I love them.
361
00:15:01,667 --> 00:15:03,666
But don't you
just sometimes wish
362
00:15:03,734 --> 00:15:05,599
they'd run away
or get kidnapped
363
00:15:05,668 --> 00:15:07,999
and be made to work
in a Temple of Doom?
364
00:15:08,068 --> 00:15:10,666
(MIMICKING INDIANA JONES
THEME MUSIC)
365
00:15:12,001 --> 00:15:13,598
How can you
even say that?
366
00:15:13,667 --> 00:15:15,432
Because, Lois. Meg tells
a story that makes you
367
00:15:15,501 --> 00:15:17,565
wanna blow your brains out,
Stewie just sits there,
368
00:15:17,634 --> 00:15:21,099
and Chris is always leaving
his Russian mice around.
Get out of here!
369
00:15:21,167 --> 00:15:25,632
Okay, okay,
you don't have to yell.
Let us go find das vaginya.
370
00:15:25,701 --> 00:15:27,932
Listen to you!
You don't know
your own kids.
371
00:15:28,001 --> 00:15:30,799
That's the problem.
It's not them, it's you.
372
00:15:30,868 --> 00:15:32,566
Me?
Yes, you!
373
00:15:32,634 --> 00:15:34,699
And you know what?
You've hurt your kids worse
374
00:15:34,768 --> 00:15:36,132
than any
black hole could.
375
00:15:36,201 --> 00:15:37,532
Lois, you're
overreacting.
376
00:15:37,601 --> 00:15:39,332
This'll all blow
over by tomorrow.
377
00:15:43,700 --> 00:15:45,266
Morning, assholes.
(LAUGHS)
378
00:15:45,335 --> 00:15:48,299
I'm just kidding!
So what do we got,
pancakes? Cool.
379
00:15:48,368 --> 00:15:49,599
Hey, what's on tap
for school today, kids?
380
00:15:49,667 --> 00:15:51,765
Shut up, Dad.
381
00:15:51,834 --> 00:15:55,032
Whatever. So, Chris,
how are all your
friends at school?
382
00:15:55,100 --> 00:15:57,933
What do you care?
You don't even know
who my friends are.
383
00:15:58,001 --> 00:15:59,266
Sure, I do. Um...
384
00:16:00,034 --> 00:16:01,399
Chandler,
385
00:16:01,934 --> 00:16:03,732
Fonzie,
386
00:16:03,801 --> 00:16:05,666
and Remington Steele?
387
00:16:05,735 --> 00:16:07,565
You got lucky, Dad.
388
00:16:07,634 --> 00:16:09,832
So, Stewie,
how's everything
going in Legoland?
389
00:16:09,901 --> 00:16:11,166
Pretty good.
I made a spaceship...
390
00:16:11,235 --> 00:16:13,233
Wait a minute.
I'm not talking
to you.
391
00:16:13,301 --> 00:16:15,431
Come on, guys.
Let's go eat in
the living room.
392
00:16:15,500 --> 00:16:17,165
It stinks in here.
393
00:16:18,267 --> 00:16:20,065
Oh, no, does it stink
'cause I farted?
394
00:16:20,134 --> 00:16:22,065
'Cause sometimes
I can suck them back up.
395
00:16:22,134 --> 00:16:24,866
I think we can make up
some of these losses
in the third quarter.
396
00:16:24,935 --> 00:16:26,099
(PETER FARTING)
397
00:16:27,168 --> 00:16:28,199
(SUCKS AIR BACK)
398
00:16:28,268 --> 00:16:30,333
What was that?
What was what?
399
00:16:30,401 --> 00:16:33,498
Nothing. I thought
I smelled a fart,
but now I don't.
400
00:16:33,934 --> 00:16:35,265
Uh...
401
00:16:35,333 --> 00:16:36,866
They're really
pissed at me,
aren't they?
402
00:16:36,934 --> 00:16:38,965
Oh, look who's
starting to get it.
403
00:16:39,034 --> 00:16:41,432
Peter, they heard you say
you hate being around them.
404
00:16:41,501 --> 00:16:43,632
They know you have no interest
in getting to know them.
405
00:16:43,701 --> 00:16:45,333
I mean, how would you feel?
406
00:16:45,401 --> 00:16:47,632
Well, right now
I feel like a jerk.
407
00:16:47,700 --> 00:16:49,632
Peter, if you really
do care about your kids,
408
00:16:49,701 --> 00:16:52,333
you're gonna
have to earn back their
respect and affection.
409
00:16:52,401 --> 00:16:53,399
How do I do that?
410
00:16:53,468 --> 00:16:54,833
You gotta spend
time with them
411
00:16:54,901 --> 00:16:57,166
and make
their interests
your interests.
412
00:16:57,234 --> 00:17:00,699
(SIGHS) I guess
you're right, Lois.
I'm always screwing up.
413
00:17:00,768 --> 00:17:02,699
Like that time
with Jason Mraz.
414
00:17:03,667 --> 00:17:05,766
Oh, my God!
You're Jason Mraz!
415
00:17:05,835 --> 00:17:07,766
No, I'm not.
I'm just some
guy with a hat.
416
00:17:07,835 --> 00:17:09,765
Yeah, that's who
Jason Mraz is!
417
00:17:14,534 --> 00:17:15,899
Hey, buddy.
418
00:17:17,968 --> 00:17:19,565
What's going on?
419
00:17:21,367 --> 00:17:22,465
You having your period?
420
00:17:22,534 --> 00:17:23,966
What?
421
00:17:24,035 --> 00:17:25,699
I'm just trying
to take an interest
in your interests.
422
00:17:25,767 --> 00:17:27,432
My period's
not an interest.
423
00:17:27,500 --> 00:17:28,598
It's something
that happens to me
424
00:17:28,667 --> 00:17:29,866
that I cannot control.
425
00:17:29,935 --> 00:17:31,432
Gross.
426
00:17:31,500 --> 00:17:33,465
All right.
I'm gonna go
talk to Chris.
427
00:17:35,235 --> 00:17:36,233
Hi, Chris.
428
00:17:36,301 --> 00:17:37,699
Hello, Peter.
429
00:17:37,768 --> 00:17:39,465
You know,
I was just thinking,
430
00:17:39,533 --> 00:17:42,732
when I was your age,
my Uncle Roy
shared a beer with me.
431
00:17:42,801 --> 00:17:45,632
I drank it,
and I was so excited,
I fell asleep.
432
00:17:45,700 --> 00:17:48,265
I must have tossed and
turned something fierce,
'cause when I woke up,
433
00:17:48,333 --> 00:17:51,866
my pants were off.
Never saw much of
Uncle Roy after that.
434
00:17:51,934 --> 00:17:53,999
Turns out
we weren't
even related.
435
00:17:54,068 --> 00:17:57,832
Anyway, I thought him
sharing that beer with me
was the coolest thing ever.
436
00:17:57,901 --> 00:17:59,498
And I know nowadays,
things are different.
437
00:17:59,567 --> 00:18:01,032
So, I got some
crystal meth.
438
00:18:01,101 --> 00:18:03,465
I figured
we could do it together,
as father and son.
439
00:18:03,534 --> 00:18:04,632
I don't know
about that.
440
00:18:04,701 --> 00:18:06,933
Tell you what,
I'll get us started.
441
00:18:07,001 --> 00:18:08,233
(INHALES DEEPLY)
442
00:18:08,301 --> 00:18:09,298
(EXHALES DEEPLY)
443
00:18:09,367 --> 00:18:11,200
That feels...
444
00:18:11,267 --> 00:18:12,332
That feels better.
445
00:18:12,400 --> 00:18:14,133
You sure that
stuff is okay?
446
00:18:14,202 --> 00:18:16,833
All I know is,
the guys who
made it are dead.
447
00:18:16,901 --> 00:18:19,599
Why is there
no hole in this wall?
448
00:18:19,668 --> 00:18:21,699
You know,
this thing is
bugging me.
449
00:18:23,168 --> 00:18:24,966
All right,
I'm gonna
take a hike.
450
00:18:25,400 --> 00:18:26,399
(THUD)
451
00:18:28,834 --> 00:18:31,266
So, you gonna
introduce me
to your pals?
452
00:18:31,334 --> 00:18:34,799
That's Trap Jaw,
that's Optimus Prime,
that's Destro,
453
00:18:34,868 --> 00:18:36,166
and that's
a Care Bear.
454
00:18:36,235 --> 00:18:37,465
You having a tea party?
455
00:18:37,534 --> 00:18:39,666
No, we're working
out a land deal.
456
00:18:39,734 --> 00:18:41,399
Trap Jaw is trying
to get a variance
457
00:18:41,468 --> 00:18:44,333
to build an unpermitted
structure within ten feet
of Optimus Prime's
458
00:18:44,401 --> 00:18:46,866
property line.
Destro is the
city councilman
459
00:18:46,935 --> 00:18:49,732
who's telling Trap Jaw
that he has to file it
as an accessory structure,
460
00:18:49,801 --> 00:18:52,299
and even then,
it can only be built
at the rear of the lot.
461
00:18:52,368 --> 00:18:54,365
And the Care Bear
is just a Care Bear.
462
00:18:54,434 --> 00:18:56,865
I am so fucking ready...
463
00:19:01,168 --> 00:19:03,532
I don't know, Lois.
I tried my best.
464
00:19:03,601 --> 00:19:05,766
I don't know what else
I possibly could've done.
465
00:19:05,834 --> 00:19:07,799
Peter, you're just
gonna have to do better.
466
00:19:07,868 --> 00:19:11,032
Somehow you've gotta
let those kids know that
they matter to you.
467
00:19:11,101 --> 00:19:13,232
(EXHALES) I'll try, Lois.
468
00:19:16,801 --> 00:19:19,799
Kids, come in here!
Your father's got
something to say.
469
00:19:23,668 --> 00:19:27,298
Look, I know you kids
ain't too happy with
your dad right now,
470
00:19:27,367 --> 00:19:30,765
but I hope at least
you can
see that I'm trying.
471
00:19:30,834 --> 00:19:33,332
I know sometimes
we don't get along
with each other.
472
00:19:33,400 --> 00:19:34,532
Hell, if we
weren't all related,
473
00:19:34,601 --> 00:19:37,132
this'd be the worst
table at the wedding.
474
00:19:37,200 --> 00:19:38,898
But we're part of a family.
475
00:19:38,967 --> 00:19:40,698
And I'm still your father.
476
00:19:40,767 --> 00:19:42,532
And I promise I love you.
477
00:19:42,601 --> 00:19:46,266
Well, then how come
you said you hated
spending time with us?
478
00:19:46,335 --> 00:19:49,532
Look, I may not have said
exactly what I meant.
479
00:19:49,601 --> 00:19:53,232
But I can still be your dad,
even if we don't have any of
the same interests.
480
00:19:53,301 --> 00:19:55,899
So what do you say?
Are we a family again?
481
00:19:57,468 --> 00:19:58,899
I don't buy it.
Me neither.
482
00:19:58,968 --> 00:20:01,299
When you jumped
through my ceiling,
you let an owl in.
483
00:20:01,368 --> 00:20:02,866
I know they're
supposed to be wise,
484
00:20:02,934 --> 00:20:05,766
but all it did was
shriek and poop out
half-digested mice.
485
00:20:05,835 --> 00:20:09,999
Well, then, I guess
there's only one thing
I can do to regain your love.
486
00:20:10,068 --> 00:20:11,833
Who wants
a brand-new Xbox?
487
00:20:11,901 --> 00:20:12,932
Yay!
488
00:20:13,001 --> 00:20:14,699
Oh, Daddy!
Oh, my God!
489
00:20:14,768 --> 00:20:16,532
You're the best father ever!
490
00:20:16,600 --> 00:20:17,999
(EXCLAIMING)
491
00:20:18,068 --> 00:20:19,166
Oh, Daddy!
492
00:20:20,801 --> 00:20:22,966
Well, I guess
if you can't earn
your kids' respect,
493
00:20:23,035 --> 00:20:24,366
you can always buy it.
494
00:20:24,434 --> 00:20:25,565
(ALL LAUGHING)
495
00:20:28,300 --> 00:20:30,899
There's some awesome
stuff in the garbage.
496
00:20:38,168 --> 00:20:40,632
Dad, can we please
have a turn at the Xbox?
497
00:20:40,701 --> 00:20:42,699
Just a second, Meg.
I'm still trying to
get the hang of this.
498
00:20:42,767 --> 00:20:44,166
Okay, guys,
tell me again.
499
00:20:44,234 --> 00:20:46,732
Now, which one do I
press to shoot now?
500
00:20:46,801 --> 00:20:48,698
PETER: Damn it! Crap.
501
00:20:48,767 --> 00:20:50,598
PLAYER 1:
Who's the douchebag
who keeps dying?
502
00:20:50,667 --> 00:20:52,865
PETER: I'm not
a douchebag. I'm new.
503
00:20:52,934 --> 00:20:54,132
PLAYER 2: Look,
if you're no good,
504
00:20:54,200 --> 00:20:55,565
why don't you just
go hide till the end?
505
00:20:55,634 --> 00:20:57,599
All right, I'll go
crouch behind the...
506
00:20:57,668 --> 00:20:59,532
Is this a crouch button?
507
00:20:59,600 --> 00:21:01,432
(GROANS) Who
dropped a grenade?
PLAYER 3: Idiot!
508
00:21:01,501 --> 00:21:02,832
PLAYER 4:
Learn how to play!
PLAYER 5: Moron!
509
00:21:02,900 --> 00:21:03,899
PLAYER 6: You suck!
510
00:21:39,067 --> 00:21:40,065
ENGLISH - US - LINE 21