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00:00:03,201 --> 00:00:05,833
♪ It seems today
that all you see
2
00:00:05,901 --> 00:00:09,133
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
3
00:00:09,200 --> 00:00:12,732
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values
4
00:00:12,801 --> 00:00:15,999
♪ On which we used to rely?
5
00:00:16,068 --> 00:00:19,132
♪ Lucky there's a family guy
6
00:00:19,200 --> 00:00:22,632
♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do
7
00:00:22,701 --> 00:00:24,398
♪ All the things
that make us
8
00:00:24,467 --> 00:00:25,899
♪ Laugh and cry
9
00:00:25,968 --> 00:00:30,932
♪ He's a family guy ♪
10
00:00:35,668 --> 00:00:38,632
Dad, can you help me
with my French homework?
11
00:00:38,701 --> 00:00:41,432
Yeah, sure, why not?
What's the word for fish?
12
00:00:41,501 --> 00:00:42,966
Poisson.
Good.
13
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Dog?
Chien.
14
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Seal?
Phoque.
15
00:00:46,101 --> 00:00:47,400
Chris, watch your language!
16
00:00:47,467 --> 00:00:50,432
No, that's how you say
seal in French, phoque.
17
00:00:50,500 --> 00:00:51,732
He's right,
Lois, look.
18
00:00:53,768 --> 00:00:56,832
Hey, here, I'll help you
remember. What's this?
19
00:00:56,901 --> 00:00:58,799
A lazy phoque.
Good.
20
00:01:00,135 --> 00:01:01,865
Dumb phoque.
Good.
21
00:01:02,901 --> 00:01:04,566
Sick phoque.
Good.
22
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Sick, twisted phoque.
23
00:01:07,700 --> 00:01:08,698
Good.
24
00:01:09,634 --> 00:01:11,066
Cluster phoque.
25
00:01:15,034 --> 00:01:16,799
Ugly phoque
and bitch.
26
00:01:16,867 --> 00:01:18,732
Good job, Chris.
I think you're ready.
27
00:01:18,801 --> 00:01:21,265
And remember,
you can use that word
as much as you want.
28
00:01:21,334 --> 00:01:23,699
Even home,
at the dinner table,
in front of your parents.
29
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Because it's French,
and French is classy.
30
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Okay, I'm off.
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Well, we knew
this day would come.
32
00:01:30,468 --> 00:01:32,066
Good luck
wherever you wind up.
33
00:01:32,134 --> 00:01:33,599
Take care, buddy.
Call if you want.
34
00:01:33,667 --> 00:01:35,365
If not, take care
of yourself.
35
00:01:35,434 --> 00:01:37,799
I'm just going away
for a few days.
36
00:01:37,868 --> 00:01:39,932
Oh.
Oh, okay.
37
00:01:40,001 --> 00:01:41,932
Yeah, there's a seminar
on creating...
38
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Really? It would be
that easy for you?
39
00:01:43,601 --> 00:01:45,565
What?
You thought I was
leaving forever
40
00:01:45,634 --> 00:01:47,465
and you just said,
"Good luck"? What
the hell was that?
41
00:01:47,534 --> 00:01:49,732
Brian, take it easy.
You're not leaving forever.
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00:01:49,801 --> 00:01:51,465
You're just leaving
for a few days.
43
00:01:51,534 --> 00:01:52,599
What do you want,
a parade?
44
00:01:52,667 --> 00:01:53,665
You know what?
Never mind.
45
00:01:53,734 --> 00:01:55,932
Look, Brian, face it,
you're a dog.
46
00:01:56,001 --> 00:01:58,332
The fact that your last name
is Griffin is a pleasantry
47
00:01:58,401 --> 00:02:00,932
extended from our family,
not by any legality.
48
00:02:01,001 --> 00:02:02,632
Yeah, and someday,
when you're ready,
49
00:02:02,700 --> 00:02:04,465
you're gonna walk off
into the woods and die.
50
00:02:04,533 --> 00:02:06,099
And we're prepared
for that.
51
00:02:07,334 --> 00:02:09,066
Yeah, so there's this
seminar in New Haven
52
00:02:09,134 --> 00:02:11,232
on creating your own
Web-based Internet series.
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00:02:11,301 --> 00:02:12,899
Sounds like it could be
right up my alley.
54
00:02:12,967 --> 00:02:14,599
Is this another one
of those classes
55
00:02:14,668 --> 00:02:17,166
where you make
the checks out directly
to the teacher's name?
56
00:02:18,267 --> 00:02:19,599
Feel good about that?
57
00:02:19,667 --> 00:02:21,132
Feel good about
what you just said?
58
00:02:21,201 --> 00:02:24,432
You gonna go, Brian,
or should I get
the can of pennies?
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00:02:24,500 --> 00:02:25,765
(COINS CLINKING)
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00:02:25,834 --> 00:02:26,932
(BRIAN EXCLAIMING)
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00:02:30,267 --> 00:02:31,932
See you, Stewie.
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00:02:32,001 --> 00:02:35,033
Brian, please,
can I go with you?
It's so boring here.
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00:02:35,100 --> 00:02:37,066
For the last time,
you can't come with me.
64
00:02:37,134 --> 00:02:38,665
Well, fine then. Go!
65
00:02:38,734 --> 00:02:41,532
I don't need you
to have fun. I know how
to have a good time.
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00:02:41,601 --> 00:02:43,665
Whoopi, can you
believe this girl?
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00:02:43,734 --> 00:02:46,765
Elisabeth,
what you conservatives
have to understand...
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00:02:46,834 --> 00:02:48,332
LOIS: Stewie,
it's time for dinner.
69
00:02:48,401 --> 00:02:49,966
Ma, I'm recording!
70
00:02:50,034 --> 00:02:53,032
Come on upstairs, honey.
I made your favorite,
mac and cheese.
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00:02:53,101 --> 00:02:54,933
Ma, I have
to do this now!
72
00:02:59,235 --> 00:03:00,665
Guys, I got
some great news!
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00:03:00,734 --> 00:03:01,866
My dad's
coming to visit.
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00:03:01,935 --> 00:03:02,999
(EXCLAIMS)
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00:03:03,067 --> 00:03:04,499
Hide the women!
76
00:03:04,567 --> 00:03:07,432
So, we're finally
gonna get to meet
the man of a thousand vaginas.
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00:03:07,501 --> 00:03:09,466
That's right.
You think I've been
with a lot of broads.
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00:03:09,534 --> 00:03:11,999
My dad's eaten more
pie than Kirstie Alley.
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00:03:12,068 --> 00:03:14,099
(LAUGHING) What?
80
00:03:14,167 --> 00:03:16,699
Anyway,
the Navy is honoring him
at this year's Naval Ball
81
00:03:16,767 --> 00:03:18,365
for all his
bravery in Vietnam.
82
00:03:18,434 --> 00:03:20,499
Wow, you must be proud.
83
00:03:20,567 --> 00:03:23,365
Sure am.
He was like a hero to me
when I was growing up.
84
00:03:23,434 --> 00:03:24,499
You know who was my hero?
85
00:03:24,568 --> 00:03:28,298
Aquaman, and his secret
alter ego, Arthur Curry.
86
00:03:28,367 --> 00:03:30,799
Wow, you saved
our lives, Aquaman!
87
00:03:30,868 --> 00:03:32,365
Just doing my job.
88
00:03:34,467 --> 00:03:35,566
Arthur Curry!
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00:03:35,634 --> 00:03:37,966
Did you see Aquaman?
He was just here!
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00:03:38,035 --> 00:03:39,899
Oh, darn,
I must've missed him.
91
00:03:39,968 --> 00:03:41,699
We forgot
to tell him,
"Thanks."
92
00:03:41,768 --> 00:03:44,333
Oh, I have a feeling
he already knows.
93
00:03:49,768 --> 00:03:50,899
(DOORBELL RINGS)
94
00:03:52,835 --> 00:03:53,966
Hey, guys.
Come on in.
95
00:03:54,035 --> 00:03:55,632
Dad, they're here!
96
00:03:56,968 --> 00:03:58,265
At ease, ladies.
97
00:03:58,333 --> 00:04:00,399
Hey, Glenn, you're not gonna
give your dad an entrance?
98
00:04:00,468 --> 00:04:01,499
Oh, yeah, yeah,
I forgot.
99
00:04:01,567 --> 00:04:03,333
Guys, watch this.
100
00:04:04,600 --> 00:04:05,632
(MUSIC PLAYING)
101
00:04:05,701 --> 00:04:07,199
♪ Are you ready, boots?
102
00:04:09,501 --> 00:04:10,999
♪ Start walkin'! ♪
103
00:04:18,134 --> 00:04:19,798
Ha! That's my dad!
104
00:04:19,868 --> 00:04:23,099
No one dances like
Lieutenant Commander
Dan Quagmire.
105
00:04:23,168 --> 00:04:24,465
Dad, this is
Joe and Peter.
106
00:04:24,534 --> 00:04:25,732
Joe and Peter!
107
00:04:25,801 --> 00:04:27,365
Which one are you?
Peter, sir.
108
00:04:27,434 --> 00:04:29,832
Look at you.
You're a chowhound,
aren't you, Pete?
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Don't want to get behind
you in the mess hall, huh?
110
00:04:31,901 --> 00:04:33,165
No, sir.
No, you don't, sir.
111
00:04:33,234 --> 00:04:36,498
I'd stand and salute you, sir,
but this is the best I can do.
112
00:04:37,567 --> 00:04:38,732
I'll take it.
113
00:04:38,801 --> 00:04:41,465
And a salutey-rooty-toot-tooty
back to you, my friend.
114
00:04:41,534 --> 00:04:42,999
Sir, you gotta tell
them about the time
115
00:04:43,067 --> 00:04:45,132
you had to eject
from your plane
behind enemy lines.
116
00:04:45,201 --> 00:04:47,732
And I will, but first,
it's been a long trip.
117
00:04:47,801 --> 00:04:49,699
This sailor
needs a cosmo.
118
00:04:49,768 --> 00:04:50,965
A cosmo?
119
00:04:51,034 --> 00:04:54,065
Hey, it's got to be
5:00 somewhere, right?
(LAUGHING)
120
00:04:54,134 --> 00:04:56,032
Okay, fine.
I'll make you one,
you tell the story.
121
00:04:56,101 --> 00:04:57,599
He can be
such a nudge.
122
00:04:57,668 --> 00:05:00,432
So, anyhoo,
I remember that day
like it was yesterday.
123
00:05:00,500 --> 00:05:02,266
I'd gotten a haircut
earlier that day,
124
00:05:02,335 --> 00:05:04,432
the first one
I ever got over there
that looked like anything.
125
00:05:04,501 --> 00:05:06,232
So all of a sudden,
we get these orders.
126
00:05:06,301 --> 00:05:09,632
And, of course,
it's the day of all days
I have to put on a helmet.
127
00:05:09,701 --> 00:05:10,899
I remember the sky
was a majestic orange.
128
00:05:10,967 --> 00:05:12,598
(PHONE VIBRATING)
129
00:05:12,667 --> 00:05:15,133
The breeze was just
warm enough that you
could wear short sleeves,
130
00:05:15,201 --> 00:05:17,898
but, you know,
not so warm that you'd
break any kind of a sweat.
131
00:05:17,967 --> 00:05:19,366
Because let me tell you,
it just ruins...
132
00:05:19,435 --> 00:05:20,632
Big gay phoque.
Big gay phoque, yeah.
133
00:05:25,700 --> 00:05:28,366
Brian, it's so boring here.
When are you coming back?
134
00:05:28,434 --> 00:05:29,765
BRIAN: I'll be
back soon, Stewie.
135
00:05:29,835 --> 00:05:31,498
I gotta tell you, though,
this seminar is great.
136
00:05:31,567 --> 00:05:32,999
I'm really
learning a lot.
137
00:05:33,068 --> 00:05:34,565
I'll tell you all about it
when I get home, okay?
138
00:05:34,634 --> 00:05:36,398
I'll talk to you later.
Wait, wait, hang on, Brian!
139
00:05:36,467 --> 00:05:39,133
There was something else
I wanted to tell you.
140
00:05:39,202 --> 00:05:41,133
What?
Um...
141
00:05:41,202 --> 00:05:44,266
The mail came
a little later
than usual today.
142
00:05:44,334 --> 00:05:45,332
Yeah, Stewie,
I gotta go.
143
00:05:45,400 --> 00:05:46,765
Wait, hang on, hang on!
144
00:05:46,835 --> 00:05:50,233
Did I tell you
about that over there?
145
00:05:50,302 --> 00:05:52,365
Stewie, I can't physically see
what you're pointing at.
146
00:05:52,434 --> 00:05:53,899
I'm getting off now. Bye.
147
00:05:53,968 --> 00:05:55,166
Well, your loss, Brian.
148
00:05:55,235 --> 00:05:56,866
That thing over there
is pretty interesting.
149
00:05:58,567 --> 00:06:04,033
Huh? An alien
in a grass skirt
juggling torches. Yeah.
150
00:06:04,101 --> 00:06:07,132
All right,
you're all done. Go.
151
00:06:07,201 --> 00:06:08,965
Come on, Stewie.
Time for bed.
152
00:06:09,034 --> 00:06:10,699
Get a job!
153
00:06:10,768 --> 00:06:12,299
Peter, what are you
doing home?
154
00:06:12,368 --> 00:06:15,065
I thought you'd be out
on the town with Quagmire
and his dad.
155
00:06:15,134 --> 00:06:16,732
Lois, you're not
gonna believe this.
156
00:06:16,801 --> 00:06:18,632
Quagmire's dad's gay.
157
00:06:18,700 --> 00:06:21,632
What? Quagmire never said
anything about that.
158
00:06:21,700 --> 00:06:22,698
I don't think he knows.
159
00:06:22,767 --> 00:06:23,765
It's like he doesn't
even notice it.
160
00:06:23,834 --> 00:06:24,832
Really?
161
00:06:24,901 --> 00:06:26,133
Well, then how do
you know he's gay?
162
00:06:26,201 --> 00:06:27,432
A lot of little things.
163
00:06:27,500 --> 00:06:28,999
The way he talks,
his mannerisms,
164
00:06:29,068 --> 00:06:31,498
and he had
the complete DVD set
of Sex and the City
165
00:06:31,567 --> 00:06:32,598
between his butt cheeks.
166
00:06:32,667 --> 00:06:33,732
Peter, no,
he didn't!
167
00:06:33,801 --> 00:06:35,199
No. He had the DVD set.
168
00:06:35,268 --> 00:06:37,099
I was just being colorful
with the rest of it.
169
00:06:37,168 --> 00:06:39,498
Well, maybe you should
go talk to Glenn about it.
170
00:06:39,567 --> 00:06:41,632
I mean, especially
if he has no idea.
171
00:06:41,700 --> 00:06:44,199
I guess I could,
but I don't know
if it'll do any good, Lois.
172
00:06:44,268 --> 00:06:45,799
He's in complete denial,
173
00:06:45,867 --> 00:06:47,699
like people
in massive debt.
174
00:06:47,767 --> 00:06:51,866
Well, honey, I've extended
our line of credit and
exhausted all our savings.
175
00:06:51,934 --> 00:06:53,599
We should be good
for another month.
176
00:06:53,667 --> 00:06:54,965
Oh, that's great, honey.
177
00:06:55,034 --> 00:06:56,366
What are we gonna
do next month?
178
00:06:56,434 --> 00:06:58,632
Well, I'll tell you
what we're not gonna do.
179
00:06:58,701 --> 00:07:01,232
Shoot all of our children
and then kill ourselves.
180
00:07:01,301 --> 00:07:03,132
(BOTH LAUGHING)
I'm gonna hold you to that.
181
00:07:03,201 --> 00:07:05,399
I don't think
you'll have any
control over it.
182
00:07:07,768 --> 00:07:08,766
(DOORBELL RINGS)
183
00:07:10,701 --> 00:07:11,933
Hey, Peter,
how you doing?
184
00:07:12,001 --> 00:07:15,032
Hey, Quagmire. Um...
Is your dad around?
185
00:07:15,101 --> 00:07:16,765
Oh, he's off at his
stitch 'n bitch club.
186
00:07:16,834 --> 00:07:18,065
I'm glad you
stopped by, though.
187
00:07:18,133 --> 00:07:20,265
My dad wanted me to tell
you he would be thrilled
188
00:07:20,333 --> 00:07:23,332
if you and Lois would
join us as his guests
at the Naval Ball.
189
00:07:23,401 --> 00:07:24,766
Yeah, yeah,
that'd be great.
190
00:07:24,835 --> 00:07:25,966
Um...
191
00:07:26,035 --> 00:07:27,899
Hey, remember when we
met him the other day,
192
00:07:27,968 --> 00:07:29,532
and he danced for a while?
193
00:07:29,601 --> 00:07:31,599
(LAUGHS) Yeah,
that was so funny, man!
194
00:07:31,668 --> 00:07:32,899
No, it wasn't funny.
Oh, my God!
195
00:07:32,967 --> 00:07:34,065
It wasn't funny.
He's hilarious,
that guy.
196
00:07:34,134 --> 00:07:35,899
It wasn't funny.
It was gay.
197
00:07:37,201 --> 00:07:39,132
(LAUGHS) What?
198
00:07:39,201 --> 00:07:41,199
Yeah, I think that
your father is gay.
199
00:07:41,267 --> 00:07:42,966
Gay?
200
00:07:43,034 --> 00:07:44,665
We should
all be so gay!
201
00:07:44,734 --> 00:07:46,199
Quagmire,
don't you see it?
202
00:07:46,267 --> 00:07:48,065
See what? I'll tell
you what I'm seeing.
203
00:07:48,134 --> 00:07:49,465
You're jealous!
Huh?
204
00:07:49,534 --> 00:07:51,799
Yeah,
your father's a drunk,
and mine's a hero.
205
00:07:51,868 --> 00:07:53,466
Look, you'll see.
At the Navy Ball,
206
00:07:53,534 --> 00:07:55,032
you'll see how much
of a man he is
207
00:07:55,101 --> 00:07:57,466
and how everyone
in the military
respects him.
208
00:08:01,734 --> 00:08:03,265
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)
209
00:08:07,301 --> 00:08:09,298
Look at this, Dad.
All these people came out
210
00:08:09,367 --> 00:08:10,565
just to honor you.
211
00:08:10,634 --> 00:08:12,766
Oh, it feels good, Son,
I won't lie to you.
212
00:08:12,834 --> 00:08:13,965
Dan Quagmire!
213
00:08:14,034 --> 00:08:15,666
Wally!
Good to see you.
214
00:08:15,734 --> 00:08:16,999
This is my son, Glenn.
215
00:08:17,067 --> 00:08:18,232
Nice to meet
you, Glenn.
216
00:08:18,301 --> 00:08:19,932
You should be very
proud of your dad.
217
00:08:20,001 --> 00:08:20,999
I am, sir.
218
00:08:21,067 --> 00:08:22,565
It was an honor
to serve with him.
219
00:08:22,634 --> 00:08:24,299
Come on, Dan,
let's get a drink.
220
00:08:24,367 --> 00:08:26,599
It's great to see you back
in your element tonight,
221
00:08:26,667 --> 00:08:28,365
surrounded by seamen.
222
00:08:28,434 --> 00:08:29,698
(LAUGHS) "Seamen."
223
00:08:29,767 --> 00:08:31,132
See, Quagmire?
I told you he's gay.
224
00:08:31,200 --> 00:08:32,465
Shut up, Peter!
225
00:08:32,534 --> 00:08:34,166
Hey, you Dan's boy?
That's right.
226
00:08:34,235 --> 00:08:36,765
Your dad was very brave
back in Southeast Asia.
227
00:08:36,834 --> 00:08:39,399
He flew supplies in
where others
wouldn't dare to go.
228
00:08:39,467 --> 00:08:42,766
I can't tell you how many
loads your dad took
when I served with him.
229
00:08:42,834 --> 00:08:44,033
Huh?
230
00:08:44,100 --> 00:08:45,498
Glenn, I wouldn't miss
this night for the world.
231
00:08:45,568 --> 00:08:47,266
Everyone here
admires your dad.
232
00:08:47,334 --> 00:08:48,966
He'd walk into
an army barracks
233
00:08:49,034 --> 00:08:51,432
and make every private
there feel important.
234
00:08:51,501 --> 00:08:53,599
Yeah, he just knew how
to stroke those privates.
235
00:08:53,667 --> 00:08:54,699
Oh, God!
236
00:08:54,768 --> 00:08:56,299
Your dad was cock
of the walk, Glenn.
237
00:08:56,367 --> 00:08:58,833
Every day at rifle training,
he'd help me clean my butt.
238
00:08:58,901 --> 00:09:00,598
Your dad once
drank me
under the table.
239
00:09:00,667 --> 00:09:02,299
If there was one man
you wanted in your hole,
240
00:09:02,367 --> 00:09:03,432
it was your dad.
241
00:09:03,501 --> 00:09:05,265
Your dad had the best
penis in the military.
242
00:09:05,334 --> 00:09:07,932
Okay, just stop, stop!
Everybody, stop!
243
00:09:08,968 --> 00:09:09,999
Dad,
244
00:09:11,067 --> 00:09:12,398
are you gay?
245
00:09:12,467 --> 00:09:13,465
What?
246
00:09:13,534 --> 00:09:14,999
Are you gay, Dad?
247
00:09:15,068 --> 00:09:16,799
No, Glenn, I'm not gay.
248
00:09:16,867 --> 00:09:18,265
Just tell me the truth!
249
00:09:18,334 --> 00:09:19,632
I am telling you the truth.
250
00:09:19,700 --> 00:09:21,465
Now calm down.
You're ruining this ball.
251
00:09:21,534 --> 00:09:22,832
You know how much
I love balls.
252
00:09:22,901 --> 00:09:24,732
All right, come on now!
That's not helping!
253
00:09:24,801 --> 00:09:27,999
Son, you have my word,
I am not gay.
254
00:09:28,834 --> 00:09:30,132
You promise?
255
00:09:30,201 --> 00:09:31,965
I promise.
256
00:09:32,034 --> 00:09:34,231
All right, I believe you.
257
00:09:34,300 --> 00:09:36,666
But I am a woman
trapped in a man's body.
258
00:09:36,734 --> 00:09:40,366
And while I'm in Quahog,
I plan to have
a sex-change operation.
259
00:09:41,834 --> 00:09:43,732
Oh, come on. Just be gay.
260
00:09:46,900 --> 00:09:48,065
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
261
00:09:48,133 --> 00:09:50,165
Hey, guys,
you got a minute?
262
00:09:50,234 --> 00:09:51,532
Hey, what's up, buddy?
263
00:09:52,800 --> 00:09:54,098
It's about my dad.
264
00:09:54,167 --> 00:09:57,765
He wants to have
a sex-change operation.
265
00:09:57,834 --> 00:10:00,365
Whoa! I knew he was gay.
I didn't think
he was that gay.
266
00:10:00,434 --> 00:10:01,598
No, no, Peter,
he's not gay.
267
00:10:01,667 --> 00:10:03,532
He's a woman stuck
in a man's body.
268
00:10:03,600 --> 00:10:04,598
Yeah, gay.
269
00:10:04,667 --> 00:10:05,665
It's totally different!
270
00:10:05,734 --> 00:10:07,198
Sounds the same.
Well, it's not!
271
00:10:07,267 --> 00:10:10,432
Okay,
so he wants to be a woman,
so he can be a lesbian?
272
00:10:10,501 --> 00:10:11,565
No, he'd date men.
273
00:10:11,634 --> 00:10:12,765
Gay.
Gay. Yeah, gay.
274
00:10:12,834 --> 00:10:14,932
Okay, this is not the help
I came over here for.
275
00:10:15,001 --> 00:10:17,865
Well, look, let's just
all agree that he's odd.
Huh?
276
00:10:17,934 --> 00:10:19,232
(LAUGHING)
277
00:10:19,301 --> 00:10:21,432
He has an appointment
Friday with Dr. Hartman
278
00:10:21,501 --> 00:10:23,899
to have the procedure,
and he wants me
to go with him.
279
00:10:23,968 --> 00:10:26,065
I just, I don't know
if I can handle that.
280
00:10:26,134 --> 00:10:28,432
Well, I'm sure your friend
Peter would be happy
281
00:10:28,500 --> 00:10:30,166
to come along
for moral support.
282
00:10:30,234 --> 00:10:31,765
All right. But look,
here's the deal.
283
00:10:31,834 --> 00:10:34,199
Anything he lops off,
we get to bring home
for Brian.
284
00:10:34,267 --> 00:10:36,032
That's very
green of you, Peter.
285
00:10:36,101 --> 00:10:37,199
What?
I don't know.
286
00:10:37,267 --> 00:10:38,665
Lois, that doesn't
make any sense at all.
287
00:10:38,734 --> 00:10:40,466
Yeah, it's something
I heard on TV. I don't know.
288
00:10:40,534 --> 00:10:42,332
Have fun at the circus.
289
00:10:47,601 --> 00:10:49,965
(SIGHS) I wonder
how long it's gonna take.
290
00:10:50,034 --> 00:10:51,365
I don't know.
291
00:10:51,434 --> 00:10:52,699
Hey, hey, you know
what we should do?
292
00:10:52,768 --> 00:10:54,432
We should put on
some '80s music,
293
00:10:54,501 --> 00:10:56,065
and then, like,
every few minutes,
294
00:10:56,134 --> 00:10:59,599
have him come out of
there as a different sex,
and we'll go...
295
00:10:59,668 --> 00:11:04,032
And then, like,
the fifth or sixth sex,
we'll go like this...
296
00:11:04,101 --> 00:11:05,899
This is not a joke,
Peter, okay?
297
00:11:05,968 --> 00:11:06,999
They're cutting off
his penis in there!
298
00:11:07,068 --> 00:11:08,166
All right, all right.
299
00:11:08,235 --> 00:11:09,632
I mean, this is my dad
we're talking about!
300
00:11:09,701 --> 00:11:12,399
Okay, okay.
301
00:11:12,468 --> 00:11:14,866
What are you
gonna name it, huh?
302
00:11:14,934 --> 00:11:16,666
What are you gonna name
your he-she father-mother?
303
00:11:16,735 --> 00:11:18,499
Knock it off!
304
00:11:18,567 --> 00:11:21,732
Wow! That thing
was on there.
305
00:11:21,801 --> 00:11:23,233
How is he, Doc?
Is he all right?
306
00:11:23,300 --> 00:11:24,332
No, I'm afraid not.
307
00:11:24,400 --> 00:11:25,399
(GASPS)
308
00:11:25,468 --> 00:11:28,032
But she's gonna be just fine!
309
00:11:35,067 --> 00:11:37,132
Oh, my God!
310
00:11:37,201 --> 00:11:39,565
What do you
think, boys?
311
00:11:39,634 --> 00:11:43,398
♪ I'm walking on sunshine
Whoa-oh ♪
312
00:11:48,601 --> 00:11:52,166
Okay, kids, Mr. Quagmire
and his dad... His...
313
00:11:52,234 --> 00:11:54,465
His friend are coming
over soon for dinner.
314
00:11:54,534 --> 00:11:56,332
So, remember,
Chris, no staring.
315
00:11:56,401 --> 00:11:59,599
And, Meg, you know how
it is to be different,
so be very nice.
316
00:11:59,668 --> 00:12:00,665
(DOORBELL RINGS)
317
00:12:03,001 --> 00:12:07,199
Well, hi, you guys.
I'm so glad
you could come over.
318
00:12:07,267 --> 00:12:09,832
Everyone,
I'd like you
to meet Ida.
319
00:12:09,901 --> 00:12:11,232
Hello, everyone!
320
00:12:11,301 --> 00:12:12,832
Hello, Ida.
What's that?
321
00:12:12,901 --> 00:12:14,132
I made a crumble.
322
00:12:14,201 --> 00:12:16,032
Oh, how thoughtful.
323
00:12:16,101 --> 00:12:18,732
(SOFTLY) Throw it away
in the outside garbage.
324
00:12:23,868 --> 00:12:26,133
Okay, you know what?
Elephant in the room.
I'll say it.
325
00:12:26,202 --> 00:12:27,465
So, Ida,
you miss your penis?
326
00:12:27,534 --> 00:12:28,532
Peter!
327
00:12:28,600 --> 00:12:29,766
Thank you
for asking it.
328
00:12:29,835 --> 00:12:30,966
Jesus!
No, it's okay.
329
00:12:31,035 --> 00:12:32,298
It's a perfectly
normal question.
330
00:12:32,367 --> 00:12:35,066
We can't sit here
and just pretend
everything's the same.
331
00:12:35,135 --> 00:12:37,333
It is a big transition
for me, yes.
332
00:12:37,401 --> 00:12:39,499
But the answer is,
I still have my penis.
333
00:12:39,568 --> 00:12:42,299
They just turn it inside out
to simulate a vagina.
334
00:12:42,367 --> 00:12:43,498
Come on, Dad...
335
00:12:43,567 --> 00:12:45,298
Not a bad option to have
in the back pocket.
336
00:12:45,367 --> 00:12:47,599
So, Lois,
what is this meal?
337
00:12:47,668 --> 00:12:49,265
Wow! So good.
338
00:12:49,334 --> 00:12:50,666
Oh, thank you, Glenn.
339
00:12:50,734 --> 00:12:53,699
It's nothing fancy.
Just chicken with
rosemary.
340
00:12:53,767 --> 00:12:55,665
But I did put a lot of
planning into the meal.
341
00:12:55,734 --> 00:12:58,432
Yeah, we went down the list.
Nothing with wieners,
nuts, or grapes.
342
00:12:58,501 --> 00:12:59,665
Out of respect.
343
00:12:59,734 --> 00:13:01,899
Lois, I have to say,
you look so put together.
344
00:13:01,968 --> 00:13:03,299
Where do you
buy your clothes?
345
00:13:03,367 --> 00:13:04,866
Oh, how sweet.
346
00:13:04,935 --> 00:13:06,432
Well, I love
Anne Klein.
347
00:13:06,500 --> 00:13:07,532
Oh, I'll have
to try them.
348
00:13:07,601 --> 00:13:09,132
I like the outfit
you have on.
349
00:13:09,201 --> 00:13:11,332
Thank you, Meg.
Who did your procedure?
350
00:13:11,400 --> 00:13:14,665
Wow. You just
burned your last friend
in this room, lady.
351
00:13:14,734 --> 00:13:16,132
This corn is special.
352
00:13:16,200 --> 00:13:17,265
So, tell me about
those knockers.
353
00:13:17,333 --> 00:13:20,265
Is that just,
like, implants,
354
00:13:20,333 --> 00:13:22,699
or did they reassign
some ass fat up there?
355
00:13:22,768 --> 00:13:24,732
All right,
I'm out of here.
356
00:13:24,800 --> 00:13:25,799
(DOOR SLAMS)
357
00:13:25,867 --> 00:13:27,965
I wonder if I could
push mine inside.
358
00:13:29,101 --> 00:13:31,032
Oh, my God, it worked.
It's gone!
359
00:13:31,101 --> 00:13:32,732
I can't believe...
Oh, no, it's back.
360
00:13:41,034 --> 00:13:42,733
Well, that was
quite a performance.
361
00:13:42,801 --> 00:13:44,765
My performance?
What about you?
362
00:13:44,834 --> 00:13:46,198
"Golly, Lois,
where do you shop?
363
00:13:46,267 --> 00:13:47,499
"Gee, your house
looks beautiful.
364
00:13:47,567 --> 00:13:49,298
"Hey, I have
an inside-out penis."
365
00:13:49,367 --> 00:13:50,632
I never said
her house looks
beautiful.
366
00:13:50,700 --> 00:13:52,131
Because,
frankly, it didn't.
367
00:13:52,200 --> 00:13:55,099
My dad, my dad
talking about
decorating
368
00:13:55,167 --> 00:13:56,966
and women's clothing?
369
00:13:57,035 --> 00:13:58,866
All I've talked
about for years
with these people
370
00:13:58,934 --> 00:14:00,533
is what a war hero
you were.
371
00:14:00,601 --> 00:14:01,966
And I was.
372
00:14:02,035 --> 00:14:03,999
I'm changing my future,
not my past.
373
00:14:04,067 --> 00:14:06,766
Oh, yeah?
What about my future? Huh?
374
00:14:06,835 --> 00:14:08,366
I don't even know
what to call you.
375
00:14:08,434 --> 00:14:10,599
My dad? My other mother?
376
00:14:10,668 --> 00:14:12,166
My friend who pees
sitting down,
377
00:14:12,234 --> 00:14:13,866
but can also
palm a basketball?
378
00:14:13,935 --> 00:14:15,999
What about "Ida"?
(GROANS)
379
00:14:16,068 --> 00:14:18,166
No, man, you know,
this is too hard.
380
00:14:18,234 --> 00:14:20,532
You know, you're asking me
to accept an awful lot.
381
00:14:20,601 --> 00:14:23,799
I don't know
if I can do this.
382
00:14:23,868 --> 00:14:25,298
I understand.
383
00:14:25,367 --> 00:14:27,832
I had the advantage
of thinking
about this for years.
384
00:14:27,901 --> 00:14:29,399
For me, it was easy.
385
00:14:29,467 --> 00:14:31,798
Do I want to be happy
the rest of my life
or miserable?
386
00:14:31,867 --> 00:14:33,999
So now you're happy,
and I'm miserable.
387
00:14:34,701 --> 00:14:36,032
I see.
388
00:14:36,101 --> 00:14:37,899
I'm sorry you
feel that way.
389
00:14:47,101 --> 00:14:48,732
Oh, boy, nice
to be back home.
390
00:14:48,801 --> 00:14:51,099
Those seminars
can wear you out.
391
00:14:51,768 --> 00:14:53,199
(GRUNTS SOFTLY)
392
00:14:53,268 --> 00:14:55,365
Wow, did you say,
"Web-based
Internet series"?
393
00:14:55,434 --> 00:14:57,399
No.
Oh, my bad.
394
00:14:58,434 --> 00:15:01,432
Great idea for one.
395
00:15:01,501 --> 00:15:02,866
Where am I
taking you again?
396
00:15:02,934 --> 00:15:04,132
You know what?
Drop me off
at the Marriott.
397
00:15:04,201 --> 00:15:05,265
I could use a drink.
398
00:15:09,634 --> 00:15:10,665
Jack on the rocks,
please.
399
00:15:13,434 --> 00:15:16,665
Hey, here's to exciting,
new opportunities
on the Internet.
400
00:15:20,600 --> 00:15:22,065
I'm sorry, I didn't
mean to bother you.
401
00:15:22,134 --> 00:15:23,232
Oh. No,
it's not you.
402
00:15:23,300 --> 00:15:25,565
I'm just dealing
with a lot right now.
403
00:15:25,634 --> 00:15:27,465
You know, kids.
404
00:15:27,534 --> 00:15:30,499
Ah! Does not come
with a manual.
405
00:15:30,567 --> 00:15:31,865
(CHUCKLES)
406
00:15:31,934 --> 00:15:33,865
So, you're doing
something with
the Internet?
407
00:15:33,934 --> 00:15:35,232
I am, I am.
408
00:15:35,300 --> 00:15:37,598
Being a writer, I'm always
exploring new possibilities.
409
00:15:37,667 --> 00:15:40,032
Wow, I could
never be a writer.
How do you do it?
410
00:15:40,100 --> 00:15:42,133
Well, you see,
when I watch
the world go by,
411
00:15:42,201 --> 00:15:44,333
I think of it
kind of like
a huge screen.
412
00:15:44,402 --> 00:15:46,565
You know,
every little interaction,
every little moment
413
00:15:46,634 --> 00:15:49,799
is another scene
captured by this camera.
414
00:15:49,868 --> 00:15:51,032
That's fascinating.
415
00:15:51,101 --> 00:15:52,632
Oh, yeah.
416
00:15:52,701 --> 00:15:54,666
Brian.
Ida.
417
00:15:54,734 --> 00:15:56,166
Two more, please.
418
00:15:57,834 --> 00:15:59,232
So I finally tell them,
419
00:15:59,300 --> 00:16:02,100
"Hey, I came here
to be at the seminar,
not run it."
420
00:16:02,168 --> 00:16:04,132
(BOTH LAUGHING)
421
00:16:05,801 --> 00:16:07,232
That's...
422
00:16:15,268 --> 00:16:18,166
You know,
we are in a hotel.
423
00:16:18,234 --> 00:16:20,799
And I'm in Room 406.
424
00:16:20,868 --> 00:16:22,999
Go on ahead,
I'll settle up.
425
00:16:25,634 --> 00:16:27,166
Put it on 406.
426
00:16:31,834 --> 00:16:33,332
Wow, look who's home.
427
00:16:33,401 --> 00:16:34,399
Hey, buddy.
428
00:16:34,467 --> 00:16:35,832
How was the seminar?
429
00:16:35,901 --> 00:16:37,432
Oh, it was terrific.
The first day
we were there...
430
00:16:37,501 --> 00:16:40,399
Brian, Brian, Brian.
I was after
"good" or "bad."
431
00:16:40,468 --> 00:16:41,766
You know what? Fine.
432
00:16:41,835 --> 00:16:43,132
You guys are not
gonna get to me
this morning.
433
00:16:43,201 --> 00:16:46,366
I am in too good a mood.
I met an amazing woman.
434
00:16:46,434 --> 00:16:47,899
Finally, the whole package.
435
00:16:47,967 --> 00:16:49,465
You met her
at the seminar?
436
00:16:49,534 --> 00:16:52,032
No, that's just it.
It was right here
in town last night.
437
00:16:52,101 --> 00:16:54,832
She's a classy, smart,
beautiful lady.
438
00:16:54,901 --> 00:16:56,799
Look, I took
a picture of her.
439
00:16:56,867 --> 00:16:57,932
See?
440
00:17:02,734 --> 00:17:03,866
Uh...
441
00:17:05,234 --> 00:17:07,766
What... Is...
442
00:17:08,267 --> 00:17:09,332
Um...
443
00:17:10,901 --> 00:17:13,199
Here, Lois,
take a look.
444
00:17:13,267 --> 00:17:15,066
(BOTH LAUGHING)
445
00:17:17,300 --> 00:17:19,166
Oh, my God!
446
00:17:19,235 --> 00:17:21,298
This is the best
day of my life!
447
00:17:23,201 --> 00:17:26,331
You know what?
You're just jealous 'cause
I found a real woman.
448
00:17:26,400 --> 00:17:28,300
(ROARING WITH LAUGHTER)
449
00:17:31,935 --> 00:17:33,933
Oh! Hey, Brian.
Hey.
450
00:17:34,001 --> 00:17:35,632
Not to worry,
I called in,
451
00:17:35,701 --> 00:17:38,133
and a new cell phone
should be here for you
in three business days.
452
00:17:38,200 --> 00:17:39,198
What? Why?
453
00:17:39,267 --> 00:17:40,365
Well, clearly,
yours is broken,
454
00:17:40,433 --> 00:17:41,766
because I haven't
heard from you.
455
00:17:41,834 --> 00:17:43,465
I wanted to tell
you about my week.
456
00:17:43,534 --> 00:17:44,999
God! Doesn't anyone
in this house
457
00:17:45,068 --> 00:17:46,599
care about anyone
but themselves?
458
00:17:46,667 --> 00:17:48,132
Hey, Brian,
how was the seminar?
459
00:17:48,200 --> 00:17:49,399
Meg, please.
460
00:17:49,468 --> 00:17:50,632
I'm serious, Stewie.
461
00:17:50,700 --> 00:17:53,232
I've had an amazing
few days and nobody cares.
462
00:17:53,300 --> 00:17:56,632
Come on in.
Come on in.
Tell old Stew.
463
00:17:56,701 --> 00:17:58,665
Okay, well, first,
the seminar was terrific.
464
00:17:58,734 --> 00:18:00,332
I absorbed so much.
465
00:18:00,400 --> 00:18:01,899
And then I get back
here last night,
466
00:18:01,968 --> 00:18:04,099
and I meet
an incredible woman.
467
00:18:04,167 --> 00:18:06,465
You know,
I've heard the phrase
"soul mate" for years,
468
00:18:06,534 --> 00:18:08,332
and I never got it
till last night.
469
00:18:08,400 --> 00:18:11,532
Well, I've got a woman
story for you that
you're not gonna believe.
470
00:18:11,601 --> 00:18:14,398
Quagmire's father,
decorated war hero
471
00:18:14,467 --> 00:18:18,165
Lieutenant Commander
Dan Quagmire,
is now a woman.
472
00:18:18,767 --> 00:18:19,765
You're kidding.
473
00:18:19,834 --> 00:18:21,298
No. Total sex change.
474
00:18:21,367 --> 00:18:22,798
(LAUGHS)
That is hysterical.
475
00:18:22,867 --> 00:18:23,865
I know!
476
00:18:23,934 --> 00:18:25,599
Suck on that,
Quagmire.
477
00:18:25,667 --> 00:18:29,265
Yeah, it's not settling
with the Q-man all too well.
478
00:18:29,334 --> 00:18:31,365
Oh, my God!
What does it
look like?
479
00:18:31,434 --> 00:18:32,665
You know, not half bad.
480
00:18:32,734 --> 00:18:34,398
Nothing you'd look
twice at, but not bad.
481
00:18:34,467 --> 00:18:37,298
Oh, my God! That...
You know, that is
a tough road ahead.
482
00:18:37,367 --> 00:18:38,932
I mean, like, what
do those people do
483
00:18:39,001 --> 00:18:41,599
as far as relationships
and sex and stuff?
484
00:18:41,668 --> 00:18:44,933
I don't know. I mean,
it's got to be a train wreck
down there, right?
485
00:18:45,001 --> 00:18:47,766
I mean, just an absolute
casserole of nonsense.
486
00:18:47,834 --> 00:18:49,566
Is she over there right now?
We should go take a look.
487
00:18:49,634 --> 00:18:51,599
No, they had a fight.
She's staying
at the Marriott.
488
00:18:51,667 --> 00:18:52,832
Oh, damn!
I was just there.
489
00:18:52,901 --> 00:18:54,365
Really?
490
00:18:54,434 --> 00:18:55,999
Yeah, maybe I saw him
in the lobby
and didn't even know.
491
00:18:56,068 --> 00:18:57,332
No, you'd know.
492
00:18:57,401 --> 00:18:58,999
Aw, man!
What do we
call him now?
493
00:18:59,068 --> 00:19:00,665
We... Do we still
call him "Dan"?
494
00:19:00,734 --> 00:19:02,799
No, and I'm not crazy
about the name change.
495
00:19:02,868 --> 00:19:04,532
What is it?
Like Danielle or Dana?
496
00:19:04,600 --> 00:19:05,632
No, Ida.
497
00:19:07,334 --> 00:19:08,398
(GASPS)
498
00:19:12,034 --> 00:19:13,332
(RETCHING)
499
00:19:18,567 --> 00:19:19,866
(LOUD GROAN)
500
00:19:49,068 --> 00:19:50,166
(BREATHES DEEPLY)
501
00:19:50,634 --> 00:19:52,566
(YELLING)
502
00:19:52,634 --> 00:19:54,499
What? What the hell?
What's wrong with you?
503
00:19:54,568 --> 00:19:56,366
I had sex with her!
What?
504
00:19:56,434 --> 00:19:58,298
I had sex with her
at the Marriott!
505
00:19:58,367 --> 00:19:59,765
(SCREAMS) Why?
506
00:19:59,834 --> 00:20:01,366
I didn't know!
I didn't know it was her!
507
00:20:01,434 --> 00:20:02,465
Oh, my God!
508
00:20:02,534 --> 00:20:04,532
(BOTH SCREAMING)
509
00:20:04,601 --> 00:20:05,832
How does this happen?
510
00:20:05,901 --> 00:20:07,165
When they move
to a new place,
511
00:20:07,234 --> 00:20:08,432
they're supposed
to notify
the neighborhood.
512
00:20:08,500 --> 00:20:09,666
That's how it works!
513
00:20:09,734 --> 00:20:11,866
He didn't actually move,
he's just visiting!
514
00:20:22,501 --> 00:20:25,133
Dad, I've been
worried sick.
Where have you been?
515
00:20:25,202 --> 00:20:28,933
Listen, I feel awful about
the things I said last night.
516
00:20:29,001 --> 00:20:30,365
I was selfish.
517
00:20:30,434 --> 00:20:32,033
You weren't selfish.
518
00:20:32,102 --> 00:20:34,799
I realize
I put a lot on you.
519
00:20:34,868 --> 00:20:36,166
I was wrong
to just assume
520
00:20:36,234 --> 00:20:38,899
that you would understand
and be able to accept this.
521
00:20:38,968 --> 00:20:42,899
But, trust me,
I had been unhappy
for a long, long time.
522
00:20:43,401 --> 00:20:44,699
Wow.
523
00:20:44,768 --> 00:20:47,299
Well, all I want is
for you to be happy.
524
00:20:47,368 --> 00:20:48,532
You're my dad.
525
00:20:48,601 --> 00:20:51,399
And if you're happy,
I'm happy for you.
526
00:20:51,468 --> 00:20:52,566
I'm sorry, Dad.
527
00:20:53,168 --> 00:20:54,332
I love you.
528
00:20:54,400 --> 00:20:56,166
I love you, too, Glenn.
529
00:20:58,734 --> 00:21:00,399
Glenn?
Sorry, sorry.
530
00:21:00,467 --> 00:21:01,899
Damn thing can't
tell the difference.
531
00:21:01,968 --> 00:21:03,366
(BOTH LAUGHING)
532
00:21:04,767 --> 00:21:05,999
Oh, dear!
533
00:21:06,068 --> 00:21:08,566
Okay, well, so now that we got
all the mush out of the way,
534
00:21:08,634 --> 00:21:09,966
I have some news.
535
00:21:10,034 --> 00:21:11,532
Tell me. Tell me.
536
00:21:11,601 --> 00:21:12,599
I met someone.
537
00:21:12,668 --> 00:21:14,099
What? You did?
538
00:21:14,168 --> 00:21:16,699
Oh, my God!
Glenn, he's amazing.
I couldn't be happier.
539
00:21:16,768 --> 00:21:18,032
Really?
What's his name?
540
00:21:19,401 --> 00:21:21,932
QUAGMIRE: No!
541
00:21:32,634 --> 00:21:33,999
(BREATHES DEEPLY)
542
00:21:36,201 --> 00:21:37,232
(DOOR BANGING)
543
00:21:37,301 --> 00:21:38,565
QUAGMIRE: Where is he?
544
00:21:38,634 --> 00:21:41,498
Where is that self-centered,
arrogant son of a bitch?
545
00:21:44,367 --> 00:21:46,032
Get out of there,
you dirty little bastard!
546
00:21:46,101 --> 00:21:47,466
You're dead!
547
00:21:47,534 --> 00:21:48,531
(GRUNTS)
548
00:21:51,867 --> 00:21:52,865
(GROANS)
549
00:22:07,701 --> 00:22:09,399
If I ever see you
anywhere near my house,
550
00:22:09,468 --> 00:22:10,565
I'll blow your head off!
551
00:22:12,368 --> 00:22:15,132
Now lay there and die,
you piece of crap!
552
00:22:18,268 --> 00:22:19,265
Hey.
553
00:22:21,900 --> 00:22:23,699
I fucked your dad.
554
00:23:01,701 --> 00:23:02,765
ENGLISH - US - LINE 21