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00:00:03,101 --> 00:00:05,833
♪ It seems today
that all you see
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00:00:05,901 --> 00:00:09,198
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
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00:00:09,267 --> 00:00:12,832
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values
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00:00:12,901 --> 00:00:15,899
♪ On which we used to rely?
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00:00:15,968 --> 00:00:19,165
♪ Lucky there's a family guy
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♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do
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♪ All the things
that make us
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♪ Laugh and cry
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♪ He's a family guy ♪
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00:00:33,401 --> 00:00:35,232
Hi. This is Peter.
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Don't get scared that
you can hear my voice,
but you can't see me.
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This is the story
of a great adventure
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that happened to me
and some of my pals.
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It all began
innocently enough,
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with my stupid wife showing me
some dumbass brochure.
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So, here's where we'll
all be staying this weekend.
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00:00:50,268 --> 00:00:51,766
You and I
will have one cabin,
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00:00:51,834 --> 00:00:54,399
and Bonnie
and Joe and Quagmire
will have the other two.
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00:00:54,467 --> 00:00:56,399
Oh, this is going
to be so much fun!
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Hi, Chris.
How was school?
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Not good.
I got suspended
for saying bad words.
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For God's sake!
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My principal wants
to meet with you guys.
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Should we go?
It sounds like a trap.
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00:01:08,367 --> 00:01:09,933
Yes, Peter,
we should go.
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All right,
but if it's a trap,
and we don't come back,
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I get to make smart-alecky
remarks when we're tied up
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back-to-back,
like last time.
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Any more bright ideas,
Professor?
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(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)
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Mr. and Mrs. Griffin,
the reason Chris was
suspended
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00:01:25,134 --> 00:01:27,933
is that he told a very
inappropriate joke
in class.
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Well, Principal Shepherd,
we promise you it won't
happen again.
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00:01:31,501 --> 00:01:33,066
I don't know where
Chris heard the joke,
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but I can assure you,
it wasn't at home.
Was it, Chris?
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No, Mr. Quagmire
told it to me.
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Oh, I should have figured.
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Was it the one
where the blind man
walks by the fish market
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and says,
"Good morning, ladies?"
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(LAUGHS)
I told you that one!
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You told me that one.
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I sure did.
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We enjoy
each other's company.
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Well, I suppose
if I have your word
that this won't happen again,
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we can allow Chris
to return to school.
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Well, I promise you,
my husband will have
a talk with Quagmire.
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00:01:58,301 --> 00:02:01,466
Won't you, Peter? Peter?
48
00:02:01,534 --> 00:02:04,033
Mr. Griffin,
don't touch that.
That's the school PA system.
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(LAUGHING)
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Attention, student body.
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You will
now listen as I attempt
to swallow this microphone.
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LOIS: Peter!
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(PETER GRUNTING)
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(LOIS CHATTERS INDISTINCTLY)
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(PETER CONTINUES GRUNTING)
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(PETER COUGHING)
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(PETER PANTING)
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PETER: I did it!
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I did it!
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That was all that noise.
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I did it.
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Hey, Quagmire,
you know you got
Chris suspended from school
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for telling one
of your dirty jokes?
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00:02:40,133 --> 00:02:42,599
Oh, gosh, Peter, I'm sorry.
You want me to talk to him?
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00:02:42,668 --> 00:02:45,165
Well, no, actually,
I want you to tell
me the joke.
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00:02:45,233 --> 00:02:46,498
Yeah, tell us the joke.
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00:02:46,568 --> 00:02:48,331
You want to hear it?
All right.
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So, this chick meets
a guy at a bar, and...
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(INAUDIBLE)
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P.S. Your vagina's
in the sink.
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(LAUGHING)
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Oh, God,
I crapped my pants.
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00:03:01,667 --> 00:03:04,232
It's funny when it
happens to other people.
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00:03:06,801 --> 00:03:08,599
Ugh! That's the end
of those underwears.
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I didn't know what to do,
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so I took them off and
hummed them at the wall,
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and they started sliding down
like one of them sticky
octopuses.
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Well, it's a pretty
funny joke,
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00:03:15,634 --> 00:03:17,832
you know,
when you think about it.
Your vagina's in the sink.
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(LAUGHING) Damn it!
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00:03:21,034 --> 00:03:23,932
Wow. He poops every time
he hears that joke.
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(CHUCKLES) Yeah.
He does, doesn't he?
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(GIGGLING)
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Get out of here, Quagmire!
I just put on clean pants!
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(CELL PHONE VIBRATING)
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Who's texting me?
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(LAUGHING) Damn it!
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(QUAGMIRE AND JOE LAUGHING)
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Stop it, you guys!
You're ruining all
my clothes!
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(POLICE SIREN WAILS)
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00:03:55,168 --> 00:03:57,666
Can I see
your driver's license
and registration, please?
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00:03:57,734 --> 00:03:59,032
Is there a problem, Officer?
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00:03:59,101 --> 00:04:01,265
QUAGMIRE: Is he telling it?
Yeah.
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00:04:01,334 --> 00:04:02,499
(INAUDIBLE)
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00:04:02,568 --> 00:04:04,765
(LAUGHING) Damn it!
96
00:04:06,267 --> 00:04:07,433
Fuck you guys!
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00:04:07,501 --> 00:04:08,899
(LAUGHING)
98
00:04:18,801 --> 00:04:20,999
Okay, Quagmire, he's asleep.
99
00:04:31,534 --> 00:04:32,799
(LAUGHING)
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(SNIFFING)
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00:04:35,568 --> 00:04:38,632
Peter!
You just crapped
all over the bed!
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00:04:38,701 --> 00:04:42,065
When you poop
in your dreams,
you poop for real.
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00:04:47,301 --> 00:04:48,299
Hello, fellas.
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00:04:48,368 --> 00:04:50,132
Hey, Pete. Hey,
those are my pants.
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00:04:50,201 --> 00:04:53,233
That's right.
Thought I'd come by and see
if you have any jokes to tell.
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I enjoy a joke.
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I don't know.
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I want
to tell the joke,
but I like those pants.
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I'll tell the joke.
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Go ahead, Joe.
I'm all anus.
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00:05:00,335 --> 00:05:02,866
Joe, don't you dare.
I'll push you
straight into traffic.
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00:05:02,935 --> 00:05:05,331
Peter, you win.
All right, I won't
tell the joke anymore.
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00:05:05,400 --> 00:05:08,265
You know,
I gotta admit, Quagmire,
despite all the problems,
114
00:05:08,334 --> 00:05:11,166
that joke is
freaking hilarious.
Where'd you hear it?
115
00:05:11,234 --> 00:05:12,599
Bruce told it to me.
116
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No way Bruce
came up with that.
Where'd he hear it?
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00:05:14,401 --> 00:05:15,899
I don't know.
Probably just around.
118
00:05:15,967 --> 00:05:18,099
I mean, where does
any dirty joke come from?
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00:05:18,167 --> 00:05:19,999
Hey, now, Joe's right.
There's a million of them.
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00:05:20,068 --> 00:05:21,399
They gotta be
coming from somewhere.
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00:05:21,468 --> 00:05:23,332
Somebody's got to be
making these things up.
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00:05:23,401 --> 00:05:25,332
Well, who?
I don't know.
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00:05:25,401 --> 00:05:27,732
But haven't you
ever wanted to
find out?
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00:05:27,801 --> 00:05:30,232
Well, yeah,
but how would
anyone do that?
125
00:05:30,300 --> 00:05:31,865
A quest, Joe.
126
00:05:31,934 --> 00:05:35,032
We go on a quest
to find the source of
the world's dirty jokes.
127
00:05:35,101 --> 00:05:36,799
Who's with me?
Well, I'm with you.
128
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What the hell? So am I.
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PETER:
And so began our journey
to find the splendid source
130
00:05:42,867 --> 00:05:45,032
of off-color humor
as we know it.
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00:05:45,101 --> 00:05:47,632
Our first stop
was to see Bruce.
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00:05:47,701 --> 00:05:50,065
Oh, hey.
What size shoes is y'alls?
133
00:05:50,134 --> 00:05:51,799
Actually,
we're not here to bowl.
134
00:05:51,867 --> 00:05:54,532
We were wondering where you
heard that dirty joke
you told Quagmire.
135
00:05:54,601 --> 00:05:56,366
Oh, that one? Oh, no.
136
00:05:56,434 --> 00:05:58,966
I'm not
going to tell y'all that
one here at the workplace.
137
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Too dirty.
Maybe after
quitting time,
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00:06:01,068 --> 00:06:03,199
I'll have a mimosa
and tell y'all then.
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00:06:03,267 --> 00:06:05,799
Look, you blade,
just tell us who
you heard it from.
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00:06:05,868 --> 00:06:08,565
PETER: It turned out the joke
already had quite a history.
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00:06:08,634 --> 00:06:10,066
Bruce had heard
it from Consuela.
142
00:06:10,134 --> 00:06:11,766
Consuela heard it from
Mayor West.
143
00:06:11,835 --> 00:06:13,366
West heard it
from Dr. Hartman.
144
00:06:13,434 --> 00:06:14,765
Hartman heard it
from Angela,
145
00:06:14,834 --> 00:06:16,932
Angela from Opie,
Opie from Herbert.
146
00:06:17,001 --> 00:06:18,432
Herbert heard it from
Tom Tucker.
147
00:06:18,501 --> 00:06:20,432
Tucker heard it
from Bender on
Futurama,
148
00:06:20,501 --> 00:06:21,699
oddly enough,
for some reason.
149
00:06:21,768 --> 00:06:23,265
Bender heard it
from Al Harrington,
150
00:06:23,333 --> 00:06:25,165
Harrington from
REO Speedwagon.
151
00:06:25,233 --> 00:06:28,199
♪ Heard it from a friend who
152
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♪ Heard it from a friend who
153
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♪ Heard it from another ♪
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00:06:33,201 --> 00:06:35,165
PETER:
REO Speedwagon
saved us several stops,
155
00:06:35,234 --> 00:06:38,032
as they, too,
had backtracked
the joke to some extent.
156
00:06:38,101 --> 00:06:41,398
But when their trail had led
to a bartender in Virginia,
they had given up,
157
00:06:41,467 --> 00:06:43,766
much the way the world
had given up on them.
158
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In fact,
just to kick them
a couple extra bucks,
159
00:06:45,601 --> 00:06:47,866
here's five seconds
of Time for Me to Fly.
160
00:06:47,934 --> 00:06:50,766
No, don't!
All the money goes
to my bitch ex-wife!
161
00:06:50,834 --> 00:06:52,199
Can you play our song?
162
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PETER: Okay,
lead singer from Asia.
163
00:06:54,201 --> 00:06:55,865
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
164
00:07:05,601 --> 00:07:07,265
We can't go
to Virginia,
Peter.
165
00:07:07,334 --> 00:07:09,832
Bonnie and Lois planned
that couples' weekend
to Maine.
166
00:07:09,900 --> 00:07:11,566
We're supposed to
leave in the morning.
167
00:07:11,634 --> 00:07:13,132
Yeah, Peter,
we've looked long enough.
168
00:07:13,201 --> 00:07:14,799
Maybe the joke
doesn't have
a source.
169
00:07:14,868 --> 00:07:16,866
Don't be stupid.
Somebody had to
have made it up.
170
00:07:16,935 --> 00:07:18,398
And we're going
to find out who.
171
00:07:18,467 --> 00:07:20,099
Besides,
this will be
way more fun
172
00:07:20,168 --> 00:07:23,066
than hanging out
in Maine with the wives,
sitting around a campfire,
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00:07:23,135 --> 00:07:25,598
listening to Lois
tell grocery stories.
174
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(IMITATING LOIS) "Oh, Peter,
you should have been there.
175
00:07:28,034 --> 00:07:31,199
"Uncle Ben's converted
brown rice was on sale.
176
00:07:31,267 --> 00:07:35,365
"They marked it down
from $12 to three..."
177
00:07:35,433 --> 00:07:38,466
Whatever. I don't
know how much rice is,
but you know what I'm saying.
178
00:07:45,134 --> 00:07:48,965
Okay, Peter,
I've got the directions.
Head north on the turnpike.
179
00:07:49,034 --> 00:07:50,799
That's going to be
the quickest route
to Maine.
180
00:07:50,867 --> 00:07:51,999
Sure, Lois.
181
00:07:55,934 --> 00:07:58,499
Say, ladies,
I was wondering
if you could tell me,
182
00:07:58,567 --> 00:08:00,232
what was
childbirth like?
183
00:08:00,301 --> 00:08:05,032
Oh, Glenn, you have no idea.
It's something no man could
understand.
184
00:08:05,101 --> 00:08:08,466
Think of
the most intense
pain you've ever felt
185
00:08:08,534 --> 00:08:11,365
and imagine feeling that
for hours.
186
00:08:11,434 --> 00:08:12,699
LOIS: Well, and then,
by the eighth month,
187
00:08:12,767 --> 00:08:15,666
I had hemorrhoids that
hung like bunches of grapes.
188
00:08:15,734 --> 00:08:19,299
BONNIE: And then, they said
I was four centimeters
dilated.
189
00:08:19,368 --> 00:08:20,632
They didn't think
I was far enough,
190
00:08:20,700 --> 00:08:24,132
but I was like, "I can
tell you I'm far enough."
191
00:08:24,201 --> 00:08:26,833
LOIS: And that's
when Chris was born.
192
00:08:26,901 --> 00:08:30,100
Gosh,
that's all so fascinating.
Let me ask you something else.
193
00:08:30,168 --> 00:08:32,599
Have you girls
ever worked in an
office with other women
194
00:08:32,667 --> 00:08:34,532
who you have
negative things to say about?
195
00:08:34,601 --> 00:08:35,866
Oh, God, yes.
Oh, my God.
196
00:08:35,934 --> 00:08:37,465
Quagmire, shut up.
We're here.
197
00:08:40,300 --> 00:08:42,065
You drove us to Virginia?
198
00:08:42,133 --> 00:08:43,799
All right, look, we're
sorry we deceived
you girls,
199
00:08:43,868 --> 00:08:45,332
but this is important.
200
00:08:45,401 --> 00:08:48,333
The trail leads to
a bartender who
works here.
201
00:08:48,401 --> 00:08:50,499
He could be
the source of
the dirty joke.
202
00:08:58,067 --> 00:09:00,100
Hi, there.
What can I do
for you gentlemen?
203
00:09:00,167 --> 00:09:03,532
We've traveled a very long way
to find out where you heard
this joke.
204
00:09:04,167 --> 00:09:06,665
Oh! (WHEEZING LAUGH)
205
00:09:06,734 --> 00:09:09,365
I remember that.
I heard it from that guy.
206
00:09:11,601 --> 00:09:12,698
Cleveland?
207
00:09:12,767 --> 00:09:13,899
Hey, fellas.
208
00:09:13,967 --> 00:09:16,565
Holy crap!
Who knew we'd
run into you here?
209
00:09:16,634 --> 00:09:19,100
Except everyone, if Fox
ruined it in the promos.
210
00:09:19,168 --> 00:09:20,865
What a surprise this is!
211
00:09:25,501 --> 00:09:28,100
Donna,
it's so nice of you to
invite us to stay here.
212
00:09:28,168 --> 00:09:29,899
Oh, Lois,
it's my pleasure.
213
00:09:29,968 --> 00:09:32,365
I don't think we've seen
you folks since the wedding.
214
00:09:32,434 --> 00:09:34,098
Still waiting on that gift.
215
00:09:34,167 --> 00:09:36,399
The gift was the show.
216
00:09:36,467 --> 00:09:38,299
Nah, she doesn't know
what she's talking about.
217
00:09:38,367 --> 00:09:40,166
It's great to
have y'all down here.
218
00:09:40,234 --> 00:09:42,565
Hey, you know,
Cleveland, you better hide
the markers from your kids.
219
00:09:42,634 --> 00:09:44,132
Somebody colored in
your Jesus.
220
00:09:44,200 --> 00:09:47,332
Somebody colored in your ass
with too much ass, fat-ass.
221
00:09:47,401 --> 00:09:48,899
All right, Cleveland,
let's get down to business.
222
00:09:48,968 --> 00:09:50,133
Who told you the joke?
223
00:09:50,201 --> 00:09:53,866
A bellhop at
the Royale Hotel
in Washington, DC.
224
00:09:53,934 --> 00:09:57,732
I met him when
I took Cleveland Jr. there
to see the Lincoln Memorial.
225
00:09:57,801 --> 00:10:00,666
But then
Daddy got frustrated
'cause he couldn't find it,
226
00:10:00,734 --> 00:10:02,999
so we just
ate fast food
in the parking lot.
227
00:10:03,067 --> 00:10:05,333
I'm just saying,
maybe put up
a damn sign.
228
00:10:05,402 --> 00:10:08,333
Anyway,
the bellhop's
name is Sal Russo.
229
00:10:08,402 --> 00:10:10,899
He knows every
dirty joke ever written.
230
00:10:10,968 --> 00:10:12,899
Then that's the guy
we got to talk to.
231
00:10:12,967 --> 00:10:15,432
Everyone, don't get too used
to being around black people,
232
00:10:15,500 --> 00:10:17,732
'cause we are going to
Washington, DC.
233
00:10:17,801 --> 00:10:19,299
Now, wait a minute, Peter.
234
00:10:19,367 --> 00:10:21,899
Donna's been nice
enough to invite us
to stay the weekend,
235
00:10:21,967 --> 00:10:25,099
and frankly, that sounds
better than continuing
this wild-goose chase.
236
00:10:25,168 --> 00:10:27,532
Well, Lois,
if you and Bonnie
want to stay here,
237
00:10:27,601 --> 00:10:29,299
maybe Cleveland could
join us.
238
00:10:29,368 --> 00:10:32,233
Yeah, it'd be
just like old times.
What do you say, Cleveland?
239
00:10:32,300 --> 00:10:35,365
Oh, I don't know.
I've kind of got
my own life now.
240
00:10:35,434 --> 00:10:37,132
All right, if you have
a sudden change of heart,
241
00:10:37,201 --> 00:10:39,632
and you want to chase us
down the street as we're
pulling away,
242
00:10:39,701 --> 00:10:40,965
you know where to find us.
243
00:10:54,500 --> 00:10:56,265
Okay, guys, I got one.
244
00:10:56,334 --> 00:11:01,598
Would you rather
get a massage from a man, or
surgery from a female doctor?
245
00:11:01,667 --> 00:11:03,866
Wow.
Like, minor surgery?
246
00:11:03,935 --> 00:11:06,599
No, serious surgery.
Like a blown kidney
or something.
247
00:11:06,667 --> 00:11:08,866
Geez.
Good question, Peter.
248
00:11:08,934 --> 00:11:10,232
Is the man gay?
No.
249
00:11:10,301 --> 00:11:12,665
Is the female doctor
at least Jewish or Asian?
250
00:11:12,734 --> 00:11:13,966
No, but, actually,
you know what?
251
00:11:14,034 --> 00:11:16,466
I'm going to
take it up a notch.
Hispanic female doctor
252
00:11:16,534 --> 00:11:18,032
or gay male masseuse?
253
00:11:18,101 --> 00:11:19,732
Hispanic from Spain?
254
00:11:19,801 --> 00:11:20,899
No.
255
00:11:20,968 --> 00:11:22,732
(ALL GROANING)
256
00:11:22,801 --> 00:11:26,066
So, it's basically, would you
rather get a massage from
a gay man or die?
257
00:11:26,134 --> 00:11:27,165
All right,
I got another one.
258
00:11:27,234 --> 00:11:29,265
Let Amy Winehouse
spit in your mouth,
259
00:11:29,334 --> 00:11:31,999
or eat a raw slice of
Anderson Cooper's ass?
260
00:11:32,067 --> 00:11:33,699
Sign me up for Cooper.
261
00:11:33,768 --> 00:11:35,298
(GUNSHOT)
(ALL SCREAMING)
262
00:11:35,367 --> 00:11:36,366
What the hell?
263
00:11:49,868 --> 00:11:51,966
What the hell
was that about?
Who were those guys?
264
00:11:52,034 --> 00:11:53,799
I don't know,
but I'll tell you this.
265
00:11:53,867 --> 00:11:56,565
I saw one of them back
in the bar in Stoolbend.
266
00:11:56,634 --> 00:11:58,165
You think they
were following us?
267
00:11:58,234 --> 00:12:00,933
Either that,
or they got a grudge
against our back windshield.
268
00:12:01,001 --> 00:12:02,366
Joe, that's so dumb.
269
00:12:02,501 --> 00:12:04,266
Why would anybody
be trying to kill us?
270
00:12:04,334 --> 00:12:07,766
It might be safe to assume
that someone does not
want us to learn
271
00:12:07,835 --> 00:12:09,866
the origin of that joke.
272
00:12:09,935 --> 00:12:12,866
PETER:
We had no idea how
right Cleveland was.
273
00:12:12,934 --> 00:12:14,832
And if we had known
what lay ahead,
274
00:12:14,901 --> 00:12:18,366
we would've
stopped right there, and
gone straight back to Quahog.
275
00:12:18,434 --> 00:12:20,200
But we didn't know.
276
00:12:20,268 --> 00:12:21,532
(WHISPERS DRAMATICALLY)
We didn't know.
277
00:12:26,834 --> 00:12:29,132
There it is.
Washington, DC,
278
00:12:29,201 --> 00:12:32,599
the seat of government for
the world's former most
powerful nation.
279
00:12:32,667 --> 00:12:35,132
Wow, those are all the
monuments I read about
in school.
280
00:12:35,200 --> 00:12:36,465
There's the
Washington Monument.
281
00:12:37,434 --> 00:12:39,532
There's the
Obama Monument.
282
00:12:41,168 --> 00:12:42,899
And there's the
Vietnam War Memorial.
283
00:12:42,967 --> 00:12:44,332
Yeah, check out
that Vietnamese guy
284
00:12:44,401 --> 00:12:46,465
giving the business
to those Vietnam vets.
285
00:12:46,534 --> 00:12:47,966
Scoreboard!
286
00:12:48,034 --> 00:12:51,799
Scoreboard! Aw!
What happened
to your friend?
287
00:12:51,868 --> 00:12:53,599
Hey, I know that guy!
I kill him!
288
00:12:53,668 --> 00:12:57,498
He cry like a bitch!
Vietnam, undefeated!
289
00:13:03,001 --> 00:13:06,133
All right,
this is the hotel
where the bellhop works.
290
00:13:12,467 --> 00:13:15,331
Hey, there he is. Sal!
291
00:13:15,400 --> 00:13:17,598
Well, hey, Cleveland!
What are you doing here?
292
00:13:17,668 --> 00:13:21,433
I was wondering
if my friends and I
could ask you a few questions.
293
00:13:21,501 --> 00:13:24,432
Yeah, where'd you hear
that dirty joke you
told Cleveland?
294
00:13:24,500 --> 00:13:26,498
That's none of
your business.
Leave me alone!
295
00:13:27,267 --> 00:13:28,732
Don't let him get away!
296
00:13:33,901 --> 00:13:35,033
(HORN BLARING)
297
00:13:36,135 --> 00:13:37,331
Hop on!
298
00:13:46,768 --> 00:13:48,032
Where did he go?
299
00:13:48,101 --> 00:13:50,199
I think he went that way,
past the Reflecting Pool!
300
00:13:52,767 --> 00:13:54,799
Damn! He's nowhere in sight.
301
00:13:54,867 --> 00:13:56,665
I'll ask these fellas.
Maybe they've seen him.
302
00:13:56,734 --> 00:13:58,199
Excuse me,
have you seen...
303
00:13:58,267 --> 00:13:59,799
Hold on a second.
I'm trying...
304
00:13:59,868 --> 00:14:03,365
Hold on a sec. Hey, pal,
stop talking while I'm
talking, all right?
305
00:14:03,434 --> 00:14:05,465
You want a sandwich
full of knuckles?
Do you?
306
00:14:05,534 --> 00:14:07,331
All right, that's it.
Cleveland, you take
Cleveland.
307
00:14:07,400 --> 00:14:09,732
Joe, you take Joe.
Quagmire, you take Quagmire,
308
00:14:09,801 --> 00:14:11,532
and I'll get
Fatty McLoudmouth.
309
00:14:17,067 --> 00:14:18,966
It's no use, Peter.
310
00:14:19,034 --> 00:14:20,899
We've lost him.
311
00:14:20,968 --> 00:14:24,265
PETER: Our journey
had abruptly ended, and
the trail had gone cold.
312
00:14:26,934 --> 00:14:29,933
Well,
I guess we're never gonna
find the source of that joke.
313
00:14:30,001 --> 00:14:32,766
I guess
there's nothing to
do now but head back home.
314
00:14:32,835 --> 00:14:34,598
Stop right where you are!
(ALL GASP)
315
00:14:34,667 --> 00:14:35,666
Down on the ground!
316
00:14:37,534 --> 00:14:39,265
PETER: We were all terrified
317
00:14:39,334 --> 00:14:41,632
that this would prove to be
an unexpected end to
our journey.
318
00:14:41,701 --> 00:14:45,232
But little did we know,
our journey was
far from over.
319
00:14:52,967 --> 00:14:54,765
All right, did you get
the parking validated?
320
00:14:54,834 --> 00:14:56,465
Ugh! No.
321
00:14:56,534 --> 00:14:58,698
(SIGHS) That was the
whole reason we walked
through Crate & Barrel.
322
00:15:03,035 --> 00:15:05,699
PETER:
We'd been captured,
tied up, and kidnapped.
323
00:15:05,768 --> 00:15:08,965
And as if
that weren't bad enough,
we found ourselves on a plane,
324
00:15:09,034 --> 00:15:11,099
headed to
an unknown destination.
325
00:15:11,167 --> 00:15:12,432
Where the hell
are they taking us?
326
00:15:12,501 --> 00:15:15,132
I don't know,
but I got a bad feeling.
327
00:15:15,201 --> 00:15:17,032
(BABY CRYING)
328
00:15:17,101 --> 00:15:19,466
Ah! Every plane, every plane,
329
00:15:19,534 --> 00:15:21,965
there's gotta
be a crying baby and
a mother ignoring it.
330
00:15:22,967 --> 00:15:26,532
Yes, he's crying.
Babies cry.
331
00:15:26,601 --> 00:15:28,732
PETER: After flying for
what seemed like hours,
332
00:15:28,801 --> 00:15:32,699
we found ourselves approaching
a strange island
on the horizon.
333
00:16:14,668 --> 00:16:16,232
What the hell
is this place?
334
00:16:16,301 --> 00:16:18,966
It is that
which you have
been seeking, gentlemen.
335
00:16:19,035 --> 00:16:20,166
Who are you?
336
00:16:20,234 --> 00:16:21,432
I am the dean.
337
00:16:21,500 --> 00:16:22,665
The dean of what?
338
00:16:22,734 --> 00:16:26,298
The Dean
of the Secret Order
of Dirty Joke Writers.
339
00:16:31,800 --> 00:16:33,365
Wow.
340
00:16:33,434 --> 00:16:36,732
So, these are
the people who write
all the world's dirty jokes?
341
00:16:36,801 --> 00:16:38,032
Indeed they are.
342
00:16:38,101 --> 00:16:39,565
Hey,
isn't that
Stephen Hawking?
343
00:16:39,634 --> 00:16:42,365
So the housewife
tells the plumber,
344
00:16:42,434 --> 00:16:47,732
"Okay, you cleaned my pipes,
now get to work on that sink."
345
00:16:47,800 --> 00:16:49,332
(BOTH LAUGHING)
346
00:16:50,734 --> 00:16:52,066
And there's
Bill Gates!
347
00:16:52,135 --> 00:16:55,300
Is there some joke area of
a beaver eating a woodpecker?
348
00:16:55,367 --> 00:16:56,766
Is that something?
Would that work?
349
00:16:56,834 --> 00:16:58,432
And there's
Warren Buffett.
350
00:16:58,501 --> 00:17:01,132
So, the gym teacher says,
"How'd you get the two
black eyes?"
351
00:17:01,201 --> 00:17:02,799
She says,
"I don't know."
352
00:17:02,868 --> 00:17:05,033
Oh, I forgot to say
she's got two big jugs.
353
00:17:05,101 --> 00:17:06,365
(LAUGHING)
354
00:17:08,367 --> 00:17:11,332
Wow.
These are some of the
world's smartest people.
355
00:17:11,401 --> 00:17:12,399
Not a lot of women.
356
00:17:12,467 --> 00:17:15,132
Yeah, not a lot of women.
357
00:17:15,201 --> 00:17:16,799
What are they all doing here?
358
00:17:16,868 --> 00:17:20,966
Well, many of the
world's greatest geniuses
secretly devote themselves
359
00:17:21,034 --> 00:17:23,398
to coming up with
the world's dirtiest jokes.
360
00:17:23,467 --> 00:17:25,598
It's been that
way for centuries.
361
00:17:25,667 --> 00:17:28,033
Great men such
as Ben Franklin,
362
00:17:28,101 --> 00:17:30,233
Charles Dickens,
Albert Einstein.
363
00:17:30,302 --> 00:17:32,066
Shakespeare, of course.
364
00:17:32,135 --> 00:17:33,532
I got a spear you can shake.
365
00:17:33,600 --> 00:17:35,933
Ha! There you go,
put that in one
of your jokes.
366
00:17:36,001 --> 00:17:37,599
Let me show you around.
367
00:17:39,668 --> 00:17:43,632
From this room, we can see
the entire world's
joke supply.
368
00:17:43,701 --> 00:17:46,966
This way we can tailor jokes
to where the need is greatest.
369
00:17:47,034 --> 00:17:49,298
Sir, we have
a best man giving
a toast at a wedding,
370
00:17:49,367 --> 00:17:50,598
and he is just bombing.
371
00:17:50,667 --> 00:17:53,465
Put it up on the screen.
372
00:17:53,534 --> 00:17:59,133
Jim's so clumsy,
it's like he's got two
left feet and left hands.
373
00:18:00,634 --> 00:18:03,165
Permission to go to the
"Bride is a whore" file, sir.
374
00:18:03,233 --> 00:18:05,565
Permission granted.
375
00:18:05,634 --> 00:18:09,866
Anyway,
if Sheila was a road sign,
it would read "Open Trench."
376
00:18:09,935 --> 00:18:11,598
(ALL LAUGHING)
377
00:18:12,201 --> 00:18:13,265
(CHEERING)
378
00:18:17,701 --> 00:18:21,899
Well, gentlemen, I hope
you've enjoyed the tour
of our facility.
379
00:18:21,968 --> 00:18:24,698
This was amazing!
Guys, we did it!
380
00:18:24,768 --> 00:18:27,366
We found the source of
the world's dirty jokes!
381
00:18:27,434 --> 00:18:29,999
I can't wait to
tell all the guys
back at the Clam!
382
00:18:30,068 --> 00:18:33,599
Oh, I'm afraid
that's quite impossible.
383
00:18:33,667 --> 00:18:34,765
What do you mean?
384
00:18:34,834 --> 00:18:36,933
Well, you've seen
our secret island.
385
00:18:37,001 --> 00:18:39,965
You know about
our network of joke
distribution agents,
386
00:18:40,034 --> 00:18:41,332
like the bellhop.
387
00:18:41,401 --> 00:18:43,532
We can't allow
the secret to
be revealed.
388
00:18:43,601 --> 00:18:47,233
I'm afraid
you must stay here
for the rest of your lives.
389
00:19:00,367 --> 00:19:01,766
What are we gonna do now?
390
00:19:01,834 --> 00:19:04,066
We gotta come up
with an escape plan.
391
00:19:07,301 --> 00:19:10,198
Hey, guys,
I can see the plane
that brought us here!
392
00:19:10,267 --> 00:19:12,866
If we can
figure out a way to get
to it, I can fly us home!
393
00:19:12,934 --> 00:19:14,532
I got an idea.
394
00:19:14,601 --> 00:19:16,699
One of us
should pretend we're hurt,
and when the guards come in
395
00:19:16,768 --> 00:19:19,132
to give him
medical attention,
we'll jump them.
396
00:19:19,200 --> 00:19:20,265
That's perfect, Joe.
397
00:19:20,334 --> 00:19:21,665
Hey, Cleveland, you
got a pencil on you?
398
00:19:21,734 --> 00:19:22,999
Oh, gosh, I don't know.
399
00:19:23,067 --> 00:19:24,799
Oh, wait, here you go.
Thanks.
400
00:19:24,868 --> 00:19:26,498
(SCREAMS) What the hell?
401
00:19:26,567 --> 00:19:29,165
Hey, help, help!
We have an emergency!
402
00:19:29,233 --> 00:19:30,266
You dick!
403
00:19:30,334 --> 00:19:31,632
What's going on in here?
404
00:19:31,700 --> 00:19:34,166
This man has been injured!
He needs medical attention!
405
00:19:38,101 --> 00:19:39,231
Come on.
Let's get out of here.
406
00:19:44,967 --> 00:19:47,300
All right, let's hurry up
and find a way out!
407
00:19:54,567 --> 00:19:56,366
(GASPING)
408
00:19:56,434 --> 00:20:00,999
Well, well, it's quite clear
the four of you are going to
be a problem.
409
00:20:01,067 --> 00:20:02,465
Kill them.
410
00:20:05,101 --> 00:20:07,233
My God, I've done it.
411
00:20:07,302 --> 00:20:09,899
After 80 years of
work and research,
412
00:20:09,967 --> 00:20:14,333
I have written the
greatest dirty joke in
the history of mankind!
413
00:20:14,401 --> 00:20:15,532
(LAUGHING)
414
00:20:18,001 --> 00:20:19,065
(GRUNTING)
415
00:20:25,835 --> 00:20:28,098
Give me that!
Not on your life!
416
00:20:28,167 --> 00:20:30,365
Take one step closer,
and the paper gets it.
417
00:20:30,434 --> 00:20:32,199
(GASPS)
418
00:20:32,268 --> 00:20:34,399
Drop your guns!
Do as he says!
419
00:20:43,667 --> 00:20:47,033
Put it out!
Put it out!
420
00:20:47,101 --> 00:20:51,832
Oh, my God!
It's heading for the first
dead baby joke ever written!
421
00:21:29,434 --> 00:21:31,266
QUAGMIRE: Look what we did.
422
00:21:31,335 --> 00:21:35,899
We destroyed a place that
brought joy and laughter
to the entire world.
423
00:21:35,968 --> 00:21:37,866
Is that the end
of all dirty jokes?
424
00:21:37,935 --> 00:21:39,366
Well, maybe it is.
425
00:21:39,434 --> 00:21:42,299
But Peter's got
the best one ever
written right there.
426
00:21:42,368 --> 00:21:43,966
Read it, Peter.
427
00:21:44,034 --> 00:21:46,498
"Guess what? Chicken butt."
428
00:21:46,567 --> 00:21:48,766
That's it?
That's the joke?
429
00:21:48,835 --> 00:21:50,498
No, this is the joke!
430
00:21:50,567 --> 00:21:52,199
(SCREAMS)
431
00:21:52,267 --> 00:21:55,032
Now take me back to Virginia,
so I can put some Bacitracin
on this
432
00:21:55,101 --> 00:21:56,299
and pork my wife!
433
00:22:05,200 --> 00:22:06,932
PETER:
It was a great adventure.
434
00:22:07,001 --> 00:22:09,499
And it was great having
Cleveland along with us again.
435
00:22:09,567 --> 00:22:12,798
He hasn't changed a bit.
Didn't grab one check.
436
00:22:12,867 --> 00:22:17,198
Anyway, that's our story about
the splendid source of all
dirty jokes.
437
00:22:17,267 --> 00:22:19,065
For those of you
who stuck around
till the end,
438
00:22:19,134 --> 00:22:20,732
you deserve a reward.
439
00:22:20,800 --> 00:22:24,566
So here's some
footage of an ape
scratching himself.
440
00:22:24,634 --> 00:22:28,399
See, the March of Dimes wanted
this air time to talk about
cancer kids or something,
441
00:22:28,468 --> 00:22:30,665
but I was like,
"No way! Monkey scratch!"
442
00:22:36,367 --> 00:22:38,365
Well, Peter,
I'm glad you and the guys
443
00:22:38,434 --> 00:22:40,166
finally found what
you were looking for.
444
00:22:40,235 --> 00:22:41,298
We did.
445
00:22:41,367 --> 00:22:43,899
It's just sad that
230 people had to die
446
00:22:43,968 --> 00:22:45,832
in the most
gruesome way imaginable.
447
00:22:45,901 --> 00:22:49,199
But our idle
curiosity was satisfied,
so everything worked out.
448
00:22:49,268 --> 00:22:51,799
Peter, you went
halfway around the
world for this joke,
449
00:22:51,868 --> 00:22:53,032
but I never even got to
hear it.
450
00:22:53,101 --> 00:22:54,099
Yeah, me neither.
451
00:22:54,167 --> 00:22:56,266
Yeah, come on, Dad,
tell the joke.
452
00:22:56,335 --> 00:22:58,033
All right, you guys
wanna hear it?
All right.
453
00:22:58,101 --> 00:23:00,799
So, this chick goes on a date
with this guy that she wants
to fuck,
454
00:23:00,867 --> 00:23:03,166
but she's worried 'cause
she's got, like, a huge
vagina
455
00:23:03,234 --> 00:23:04,865
from fucking so many
other guys.
456
00:23:04,934 --> 00:23:07,899
So, she gets
a piece of liverwurst, and
shoves it up in her vagina,
457
00:23:07,967 --> 00:23:10,232
so that
when he fucks her,
it'll feel tighter.
458
00:23:10,301 --> 00:23:12,865
Peter, maybe this
isn't family conversation.
459
00:23:12,934 --> 00:23:14,032
No, wait, Lois,
shut the fuck up.
460
00:23:14,101 --> 00:23:16,099
So, she puts the liverwurst
in her vagina,
461
00:23:16,167 --> 00:23:19,199
goes home with the guy,
fucks him, everything
seems fine.
462
00:23:19,268 --> 00:23:21,565
She wakes up the next morning,
and he's gone.
463
00:23:21,634 --> 00:23:23,232
And he's left her a note
that says,
464
00:23:23,301 --> 00:23:24,932
"Thank you for
a lovely evening.
465
00:23:25,001 --> 00:23:27,499
"However, I don't think
this is going to work out.
466
00:23:27,567 --> 00:23:30,932
"P.S. Your vagina
is in the sink."
467
00:23:31,001 --> 00:23:35,065
Now, I'm gonna leave the
room now as I have just
shit myself again.
468
00:24:12,334 --> 00:24:13,331
ENGLISH - US - LINE 21