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00:00:02,201 --> 00:00:04,699
♪ It seems today
that all you see
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00:00:04,768 --> 00:00:08,099
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
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00:00:08,167 --> 00:00:11,732
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values
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00:00:11,801 --> 00:00:14,832
♪ On which we used to rely?
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00:00:14,901 --> 00:00:18,198
♪ Lucky there's a family guy
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♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do
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♪ All the things
that make us
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♪ Laugh and cry
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♪ He's a family guy ♪
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(ALL CHATTERING)
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Ah! I can't wait to see
all my old classmates.
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This is gonna be so much fun,
isn't it, Peter?
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Oh, sure,
it's a blast
being in a room
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full of people
you don't know.
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I'd rather stay home
and watch grass grow.
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Come on, you. Come on.
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Hey, Peter.
Hey, Joe.
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Damn it!
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You're not uncomfortable,
are you?
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Look, I'm just not
wild about the idea
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of running into anybody
you used to date,
that's all.
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Oh, boy,
speaking of exes,
here comes one now.
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Oh, man,
this is what
I was afraid of.
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If he tries anything
while I'm standing here,
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I'm gonna kick him
right in the ball...gina?
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Peter, this is Naomi.
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Wait, you mean
you two used to, you know,
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bump Japanese cartoon monkey
logo mouths?
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Well, let's just say Naomi
and I experimented quite
a bit in college.
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No way! My wife messed
around with another chick!
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Thank you, God!
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Don't mention it, Peter.
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(CHORUS SINGING)
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Have fun!
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00:01:34,501 --> 00:01:36,499
Naomi, I'm so glad
you're here.
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I haven't seen you in,
what, 20 years?
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It's great to see you,
too, Lois. It really is.
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You know, the fact is,
I came here hoping to
run into you.
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Really? Well, that's nice.
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You see, I'd like
to propose something
to you and your husband.
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Oh, my God. I'm dreaming.
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I'm dreaming right now.
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Of course, Naomi,
what did you have in mind?
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Well, this really isn't
the place to discuss it.
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It's just something
I was wondering
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00:02:01,734 --> 00:02:04,532
if you
and your husband
would participate in.
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00:02:04,601 --> 00:02:06,399
I'm totally
dreaming right now.
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00:02:06,468 --> 00:02:10,699
Well, as long as I'm dreaming,
I might as well pee my pants.
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00:02:10,768 --> 00:02:14,066
Well, Naomi, whatever it is,
I'm sure we'd be happy
to help.
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00:02:14,134 --> 00:02:17,399
Oh, my God.
I don't believe it!
I'm gonna have a three-way!
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00:02:17,467 --> 00:02:19,532
This even tops
sex with a mermaid.
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Where is it?
Keep looking!
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I can't find it anywhere.
Keep looking!
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00:02:24,301 --> 00:02:25,932
There's nothing but
a fish tail down there.
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Keep looking!
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Oh, there we go.
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That's not it!
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It's gonna be!
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ANNOUNCER ON TV:
We now return to Nature,
with a Guy Named Terry in It.
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(GROWLING)
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NARRATOR:
The cheetahs will
feed through the night.
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While the strongest
made the kill,
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the oldest will eat first.
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And there's Terry.
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All right, come on, guys.
She's gonna be here
any minute.
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00:02:51,434 --> 00:02:52,532
You gotta
get out of here.
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Why do we have to leave, Dad?
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'Cause your Daddy's
gonna have a three-way
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with your mother
and her friend.
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Isn't that nice
about Daddy's
three-way?
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00:03:00,135 --> 00:03:02,231
I had a one-way one time.
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That was amazing.
Sorry I farted
in the middle.
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All right, go on,
beat it, all of you.
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Peter, you're not gonna be
having a three-way with
Lois and her friend.
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Lois isn't
even into women.
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She just had that one
experience in college
with that girl Naomi.
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Naomi's the one
who's coming.
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(CRYING) Let me stay!
Let me stay!
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Peter, why are you so antsy?
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Because Naomi
will be here shortly
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and I'm anxious to
get started.
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What do you mean?
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We don't even know
why she's coming.
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(LAUGHING) "We don't...
We don't even know why
she's coming."
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You are so adorable.
I'm gonna do you second.
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Huh?
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(DOORBELL RINGS)
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Hi, Naomi.
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Did you pick up those
tear-away panties like
I texted you?
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I didn't get
a text from you.
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All right.
Not sure why,
but I'll bite.
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Hi, Naomi.
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00:03:48,867 --> 00:03:51,665
Hello, Lois.
I want you to
meet my husband, Dale.
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Hi, nice to meet you, Dale.
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Dale?
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00:03:54,434 --> 00:03:56,565
All right, I guess,
but I'm doing you last.
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Joke's on him,
I only got two in me.
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Lois, this is
such a lovely home.
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00:04:01,068 --> 00:04:02,398
Oh, thank you.
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00:04:02,467 --> 00:04:04,599
Peter and I
did it ourselves
on a shoestring.
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00:04:04,667 --> 00:04:05,966
Well, you could have
fooled me.
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00:04:06,035 --> 00:04:07,100
(LAUGHING) Oh!
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00:04:07,168 --> 00:04:08,599
Well, let me
show you around.
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00:04:08,667 --> 00:04:10,265
This here is
our living room...
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PETER: All right,
you guys, I've got
a few porn scenarios
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for you to choose from.
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Hey, everybody.
Got a pizza delivery
for this sorority house.
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Did somebody
order sausage?
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(IMITATING PORN MUSIC)
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Peter, what the hell
are you doing?
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Knock it off.
112
00:04:27,734 --> 00:04:29,932
We brought you some wine,
but it's best chilled
before dinner.
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(EXCLAIMS)
That is so nice of you.
Yeah, let's put it on ice.
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You'll have
to excuse my kitchen,
I've been cooking all...
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Girls, I've just finished
grading your midterms and
it's not good news.
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Looks like
you're gonna have to
do some extra credit.
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(IMITATING PORN MUSIC)
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00:04:48,434 --> 00:04:52,232
Peter, what the hell?
I am so sorry about this.
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Look, dinner's
just about ready.
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Why don't I
get you seated
in the dining room
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and then
we'll pour the wine?
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All right,
new arrivals.
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There's only one way
you're not getting
on that train.
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(IMITATING PORN MUSIC)
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00:05:12,634 --> 00:05:14,832
Well, we got
a few hours to kill.
What do you want to do?
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Let's get something to eat.
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00:05:16,201 --> 00:05:17,599
We don't have any money.
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Brian, pull over there.
I'll get us some money.
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00:05:22,701 --> 00:05:25,766
Now wait, so the white ball
has to hit one of the
stripy balls?
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Yes! How many times
you gonna ask me that?
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I don't know,
I'm just a baby.
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All right, so I guess
I'll go ahead and...
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What is it you called it?
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00:05:32,501 --> 00:05:34,632
Break.
Break. Right, break.
135
00:05:38,467 --> 00:05:41,565
Oh, my God!
Beginner's luck, huh?
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00:05:41,634 --> 00:05:44,599
Start the car! Start the car!
Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
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We've been hustled!
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00:05:45,801 --> 00:05:47,099
Nobody says that anymore.
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00:05:47,168 --> 00:05:48,499
Well, then what
would you call it, Jared?
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I wouldn't comment on it!
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We were all there.
We know what happened.
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And so I went
into corporate finance,
and that's where I met Dale!
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00:05:57,767 --> 00:06:00,332
Six months later,
I was asking her
to marry me.
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What took me
so long, right?
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(ALL LAUGHING)
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00:06:04,233 --> 00:06:05,398
All right,
we're running out of time.
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00:06:05,467 --> 00:06:06,765
We gonna get this
orgy started or what?
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00:06:06,834 --> 00:06:07,932
What?
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00:06:08,001 --> 00:06:10,766
(ENUNCIATING)
We are running out of time.
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00:06:10,834 --> 00:06:16,200
Are we going to get
this orgy started
or what?
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Oh, my God!
You thought that's
what we were here for?
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You're not?
No!
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00:06:20,634 --> 00:06:21,932
Well, then what
are you doing here?
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00:06:22,001 --> 00:06:25,166
Well, Dale and I found out
that we can't have children.
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We've conceived many times,
but for some reason the
eggs won't attach.
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It was suggested that
I find a healthy woman
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who would consider
carrying our child
to term.
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And, well, Lois,
that's why we're here.
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We were wondering
if you would be
our surrogate.
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Oh, my God.
You want me to
carry your child?
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Yes.
What?
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00:06:43,934 --> 00:06:45,566
All right, Peter,
I don't know what
this is about,
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but you're my best friend
and I'd like to think
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00:06:47,434 --> 00:06:49,699
that you'd do
the same for me.
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00:06:55,667 --> 00:06:57,866
Wait a minute. So you
guys can't have a baby?
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00:06:57,935 --> 00:06:59,166
Unfortunately, no.
167
00:06:59,235 --> 00:07:00,933
Well, whose fault is it?
168
00:07:01,001 --> 00:07:03,732
I mean, which one of you has
the thing that's horribly
wrong with them?
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00:07:03,801 --> 00:07:05,965
Is it you, Naomi?
You got a bum cervix?
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00:07:06,034 --> 00:07:07,899
Peter! It's nobody's fault.
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00:07:07,967 --> 00:07:09,599
Conception is complicated.
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00:07:09,667 --> 00:07:11,999
Dale, it's you, isn't it?
You got a bum dong.
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Will you help us, Lois?
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Well, I'm honored that
you would ask me, Naomi.
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I'll have to
think about it.
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I mean, this is
a life-altering choice.
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00:07:21,168 --> 00:07:23,832
You know,
like an Italian
choosing to get glasses.
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00:07:23,901 --> 00:07:26,132
Okay, read the
third row down, please.
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00:07:26,201 --> 00:07:28,065
(READING)
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00:07:34,600 --> 00:07:36,498
Everyone, I have
something to say.
181
00:07:36,567 --> 00:07:38,432
I've given this
long and careful thought,
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00:07:38,501 --> 00:07:41,566
and I've decided to carry
Naomi and Dale's child
for them.
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00:07:41,634 --> 00:07:43,365
You what?
That's right,
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00:07:43,434 --> 00:07:44,999
and I want your
blessing, Peter.
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00:07:45,067 --> 00:07:47,365
You'll have
my stool in your eye
and that's all you'll get.
186
00:07:47,434 --> 00:07:48,733
You can't
have their baby!
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00:07:48,801 --> 00:07:51,699
Yeah, Mom,
you get crazy
when you're pregnant.
188
00:07:51,768 --> 00:07:54,200
Mom, I can't
find my jacket.
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00:07:54,268 --> 00:07:55,765
(LAUGHING)
190
00:07:58,801 --> 00:08:00,365
(CRYING)
191
00:08:05,234 --> 00:08:09,165
Peter, take off that belt!
The buckle smells like acid!
192
00:08:11,001 --> 00:08:12,332
(RETCHING)
193
00:08:13,768 --> 00:08:15,099
(CRYING)
194
00:08:18,234 --> 00:08:19,832
Look, I know
it's an inconvenience,
195
00:08:19,901 --> 00:08:22,699
but it's a wonderful gift
to be able to give someone,
196
00:08:22,768 --> 00:08:24,632
so I am going
through with it.
197
00:08:24,700 --> 00:08:26,999
Well, I support you, Lois.
I think it's great what
you're doing.
198
00:08:27,068 --> 00:08:28,266
Yeah, it's great.
199
00:08:28,335 --> 00:08:30,299
You're treating your vagina
like a Red Roof Inn.
200
00:08:30,368 --> 00:08:31,432
That's not
how it is, Stewie.
201
00:08:31,501 --> 00:08:33,032
She's doing something
wonderful for a couple
202
00:08:33,101 --> 00:08:34,366
who can't have
their own children
203
00:08:34,434 --> 00:08:35,932
and are too
egotistical
to adopt.
204
00:08:36,001 --> 00:08:38,799
You know
what's interesting
about Lois' vagina, Brian?
205
00:08:38,868 --> 00:08:41,766
Everyone in this room has
been in there except for you.
206
00:08:41,835 --> 00:08:44,132
You're the only one
who doesn't know
what it looks like.
207
00:08:44,201 --> 00:08:46,665
Lois, I don't
want you walking around
all pregnant for nine months
208
00:08:46,734 --> 00:08:49,465
just to hand over the thing
when it comes out, like
a hen to a farmer.
209
00:08:49,534 --> 00:08:50,765
I mean,
why's it got to be you?
210
00:08:50,834 --> 00:08:54,099
Because they need a healthy
female body to carry the baby.
211
00:08:54,168 --> 00:08:55,332
I can do it!
212
00:08:55,401 --> 00:08:56,732
Oh, come on, Meg.
213
00:08:56,801 --> 00:08:58,698
It was
hard enough on your body
when you gave birth to Stewie.
214
00:08:58,767 --> 00:08:59,832
What?
215
00:08:59,901 --> 00:09:02,766
(LAUGHING)
I'm just joking.
216
00:09:02,834 --> 00:09:04,798
(GROANING) Not cool.
217
00:09:04,868 --> 00:09:07,799
But really,
Meg, you don't know
anything about this stuff.
218
00:09:07,868 --> 00:09:10,431
You've never
even had a boyfriend
more than a few weeks.
219
00:09:10,500 --> 00:09:13,398
I have, too!
Remember when I
dated the Count?
220
00:09:14,368 --> 00:09:17,099
One nipple! (LAUGHS)
221
00:09:17,167 --> 00:09:20,299
Two nipples! (LAUGHS)
222
00:09:20,367 --> 00:09:23,099
Three nipp...
Oh, hell, no,
I'm out of here.
223
00:09:23,167 --> 00:09:24,766
All right,
then, it's settled.
224
00:09:24,834 --> 00:09:26,099
I'm gonna do this.
225
00:09:26,167 --> 00:09:29,265
No you're not, Lois.
I'm sorry, but I forbid it.
226
00:09:29,334 --> 00:09:31,098
And I'm supposed
to blindly go along with
227
00:09:31,167 --> 00:09:33,065
everything you decide
for the both of us?
228
00:09:33,134 --> 00:09:35,332
Yes, Lois.
That's how we coexist.
229
00:09:35,401 --> 00:09:38,932
Just like I coexist with the
tiny race of people who
live in our carpet.
230
00:09:39,001 --> 00:09:40,566
(MUSIC PLAYING FAINTLY)
231
00:09:40,634 --> 00:09:43,732
Dad, what's that?
I think I hear music.
232
00:09:43,801 --> 00:09:45,732
Oh, that's the
little people, Chris.
233
00:09:45,801 --> 00:09:49,432
They're playing music
so that I will bless
them with food.
234
00:09:51,234 --> 00:09:53,232
(FAINT CHEERING)
235
00:09:56,267 --> 00:09:58,599
Lois, Dale and I just
want to thank you again.
236
00:09:58,667 --> 00:10:00,398
You're making us so happy.
237
00:10:00,467 --> 00:10:02,999
Well, I wish my husband
felt the same way you do,
238
00:10:03,067 --> 00:10:05,065
but he's just
gonna have to
accept it.
239
00:10:05,134 --> 00:10:06,565
Now, Mrs. Griffin,
you should understand,
240
00:10:06,634 --> 00:10:09,232
a procedure like this
is not without its risks.
241
00:10:09,300 --> 00:10:11,765
For example,
here's what happened
when we fertilized an egg
242
00:10:11,834 --> 00:10:14,499
from Shelley Duvall with
a sperm from James Blunt.
243
00:10:15,934 --> 00:10:18,632
Here's Hilary Swank
and Gary Busey.
244
00:10:18,701 --> 00:10:20,832
Florence Griffith Joyner
and Stephen Hawking.
245
00:10:20,901 --> 00:10:22,265
Okay, I think that's enough.
246
00:10:22,333 --> 00:10:24,698
I got more funny ones.
I got Tina Fey and
Joaquin Phoenix.
247
00:10:24,768 --> 00:10:25,866
Yeah, I think we're fine.
248
00:10:25,934 --> 00:10:27,598
Lot of face stuff
going on in that one.
249
00:10:27,667 --> 00:10:28,866
Yeah, let's just get to it.
250
00:10:28,934 --> 00:10:31,032
Okay, so the eggs
have already been fertilized
251
00:10:31,101 --> 00:10:33,732
by means of
intracytoplasmic
sperm injection.
252
00:10:33,801 --> 00:10:36,432
And now,
the embryos
will be inserted.
253
00:10:37,834 --> 00:10:39,598
The insertion procedure
will be performed
254
00:10:39,667 --> 00:10:42,199
by these
South American
Hovitos blow-gunners.
255
00:10:42,267 --> 00:10:43,632
Wait a minute,
256
00:10:43,700 --> 00:10:45,199
I don't want them
shooting things
into my vagina.
257
00:10:45,268 --> 00:10:46,665
Well, perhaps
you could tell them.
258
00:10:46,735 --> 00:10:48,732
If only you spoke Hovitos.
259
00:10:48,800 --> 00:10:49,899
(BLOWGUNS FIRING)
260
00:10:49,967 --> 00:10:51,231
(LOIS SCREAMING)
261
00:10:58,434 --> 00:11:00,298
I can't believe she
went ahead and did it.
262
00:11:00,367 --> 00:11:02,499
After I specifically
told her how I felt.
263
00:11:02,568 --> 00:11:04,865
Well, clearly she believed
it was within her right to...
264
00:11:04,934 --> 00:11:06,865
(SNIFFING) Lois
just peed on something.
265
00:11:06,934 --> 00:11:08,799
Hey, Brian,
you picking up on that?
Yeah.
266
00:11:08,868 --> 00:11:11,466
LOIS: It worked, everybody!
I'm pregnant!
267
00:11:11,534 --> 00:11:13,199
Damn it!
This has gone too far.
268
00:11:13,267 --> 00:11:15,899
And if I'm gonna do
something about it,
it's gotta be now.
269
00:11:15,968 --> 00:11:17,532
What do you mean?
What are you gonna do?
270
00:11:17,601 --> 00:11:20,866
I'm not
gonna do anything, Brian.
But sometimes things happen.
271
00:11:20,935 --> 00:11:23,999
The house
is a dangerous place
for today's modern woman.
272
00:11:24,068 --> 00:11:27,365
Rickety staircases,
faulty wiring, gay
poltergeists.
273
00:11:29,001 --> 00:11:30,999
"Boo!" to that outfit!
274
00:11:36,634 --> 00:11:39,331
Lois, I've hired some
1980s black break-dancers
275
00:11:39,400 --> 00:11:40,966
to do their
routine on your stomach.
276
00:11:41,034 --> 00:11:44,133
Peter, come on!
I'm having this baby
and that's the end of it.
277
00:11:44,201 --> 00:11:45,966
But Lois,
if they do
it good enough,
278
00:11:46,034 --> 00:11:49,265
they'll save the rec center
from being torn down and
replaced by some mall.
279
00:11:49,333 --> 00:11:52,300
Ozone, Turbo,
do your thing!
280
00:11:52,367 --> 00:11:54,532
Oh, no. Lois, those
are '90s black guys!
281
00:11:54,600 --> 00:11:57,632
Those aren't '80s
black guys at all! Run!
282
00:11:57,701 --> 00:11:59,299
We're here to
dance for the kids.
283
00:11:59,368 --> 00:12:00,566
Run, '80s black guys!
284
00:12:00,634 --> 00:12:03,131
You're no match for
the '90s black guys!
285
00:12:03,801 --> 00:12:05,032
(GASPING)
286
00:12:20,302 --> 00:12:21,899
Oh!
287
00:13:07,068 --> 00:13:08,166
(SIGHS IN RELIEF)
288
00:13:27,868 --> 00:13:28,999
Ow.
289
00:13:32,368 --> 00:13:34,266
Lois, I bet I can
drink more bleach
than you.
290
00:13:34,334 --> 00:13:36,332
Okay, you know what, Peter?
Stop it!
291
00:13:36,401 --> 00:13:37,799
I know
you're not
happy about this,
292
00:13:37,868 --> 00:13:40,400
but I am pregnant
and I am having
this baby!
293
00:13:40,467 --> 00:13:42,433
So knock it off,
because I have had it!
294
00:13:42,501 --> 00:13:44,966
No, I've had it!
I don't want you pregnant!
295
00:13:45,034 --> 00:13:47,366
You'll be fat and cranky
and your boobs will
get bigger
296
00:13:47,435 --> 00:13:48,799
and you'll stop
having your period...
297
00:13:48,868 --> 00:13:50,499
Wait, how do I
feel about this?
298
00:13:50,568 --> 00:13:52,299
No. No, I'm against it,
I say!
299
00:13:52,368 --> 00:13:53,866
Peter, this is important.
300
00:13:53,934 --> 00:13:56,499
Naomi and Dale are
placing their trust in us.
301
00:13:56,567 --> 00:13:58,732
And besides,
it's just nine months.
302
00:13:58,801 --> 00:14:00,599
Then everything
will be back to normal.
303
00:14:00,668 --> 00:14:03,133
REPORTER ON TV:
We interrupt this program
for a breaking news story.
304
00:14:03,202 --> 00:14:05,331
A devastating
pileup on I-95
305
00:14:05,400 --> 00:14:07,932
has injured
eight people and
killed two others.
306
00:14:08,001 --> 00:14:10,598
Naomi and Dale Robinson
were pronounced dead
on arrival
307
00:14:10,668 --> 00:14:12,165
at Quahog Hospital.
308
00:14:12,234 --> 00:14:13,832
Oh, my God!
309
00:14:13,901 --> 00:14:16,466
In other news,
a local man has
won the lottery.
310
00:14:16,534 --> 00:14:20,499
Lucky Quahog
resident Dale Robinson
has hit the jack... Oh, boy.
311
00:14:26,235 --> 00:14:28,899
I still can't believe
they're gone.
312
00:14:28,968 --> 00:14:30,965
They had their
whole lives ahead of them.
313
00:14:31,034 --> 00:14:32,532
Well, I'll be
the one to say it.
314
00:14:32,601 --> 00:14:33,999
What are you gonna do
about the baby?
315
00:14:34,068 --> 00:14:35,999
Let's keep it for parts!
316
00:14:36,067 --> 00:14:37,665
You know, Lois,
you're not a young woman.
317
00:14:37,734 --> 00:14:39,932
Odds are
that baby's gonna be
chromosomally damaged,
318
00:14:40,001 --> 00:14:42,565
like those cats you see
in the Special Animalympics.
319
00:14:47,868 --> 00:14:50,498
So, Whiskers,
how does it feel to
finally win your event
320
00:14:50,567 --> 00:14:51,999
after years
of training?
321
00:14:52,068 --> 00:14:54,365
(MEOWING)
322
00:14:56,201 --> 00:14:58,198
Why don't
you put the baby
up for adoption?
323
00:14:58,267 --> 00:14:59,665
Well, what do
we do until then?
324
00:14:59,734 --> 00:15:02,366
I mean,
we can't afford nine
months of medical bills.
325
00:15:02,434 --> 00:15:04,766
Well, you could
have an abortion.
326
00:15:04,834 --> 00:15:06,531
There you go, Lois!
We abort it.
327
00:15:06,600 --> 00:15:08,032
Send it on up
to Dale and Naomi.
328
00:15:08,101 --> 00:15:09,598
Hell, they're probably
waiting for it anyway.
329
00:15:09,667 --> 00:15:11,199
If they left
their mittens here,
you wouldn't keep them.
330
00:15:11,267 --> 00:15:12,732
You'd send them back.
Abort the thing.
331
00:15:12,801 --> 00:15:14,566
(SIGHING) I don't know, Peter.
332
00:15:14,634 --> 00:15:16,799
Well, there's
no harm in visiting
the Family Planning Center
333
00:15:16,868 --> 00:15:18,199
just to see what
your options are.
334
00:15:18,268 --> 00:15:20,933
(SIGHING) It's
such a big decision.
335
00:15:21,001 --> 00:15:22,066
Of course it's
a big decision.
336
00:15:22,135 --> 00:15:23,532
Life is full
of big decisions.
337
00:15:23,600 --> 00:15:26,565
Like deciding whether
or not to have Indian food.
338
00:15:26,634 --> 00:15:28,432
Lois, do I need to
do anything tomorrow
339
00:15:28,500 --> 00:15:31,400
that doesn't involve me
being bent over in
excruciating pain
340
00:15:31,467 --> 00:15:32,465
three feet
from a toilet?
341
00:15:32,534 --> 00:15:33,532
No.
342
00:15:33,600 --> 00:15:36,099
Time for some Tikka Masala.
343
00:15:39,267 --> 00:15:42,766
Doctor, I won't lie to you.
I'm a little uncertain
about this.
344
00:15:42,835 --> 00:15:44,698
That's perfectly
natural, Mrs. Griffin,
345
00:15:44,768 --> 00:15:48,365
and you should
ask as many questions as
you can before you decide.
346
00:15:48,434 --> 00:15:49,999
So how's it work, Doc?
347
00:15:50,068 --> 00:15:52,166
You strap her down
and then go hacking at
her like Sweeney Todd?
348
00:15:52,235 --> 00:15:55,432
No, no!
Good Lord,
this is not 2005.
349
00:15:55,500 --> 00:15:57,298
We've come
a long way since then.
350
00:15:57,367 --> 00:15:58,766
Okay, what?
So you go stabbing in there
351
00:15:58,835 --> 00:16:00,499
with a laser and
you try to zap it out,
352
00:16:00,568 --> 00:16:03,966
like burning an ant
with a magnifying glass?
353
00:16:04,034 --> 00:16:05,199
No, Mr. Griffin.
354
00:16:05,268 --> 00:16:07,032
Well, so what, you,
like, hold her legs open
355
00:16:07,101 --> 00:16:08,699
and, like, send
a Pit Bull in there?
356
00:16:08,767 --> 00:16:10,965
You know,
and one of them
little rat-hunting dogs?
357
00:16:11,034 --> 00:16:13,099
And then
he comes back out with it
in his mouth and he goes...
358
00:16:13,168 --> 00:16:14,332
(SNARLING)
359
00:16:14,401 --> 00:16:15,932
And, you know, you can't
get it away from him,
360
00:16:16,001 --> 00:16:17,532
'cause, you know,
it's his thing.
361
00:16:17,601 --> 00:16:19,832
No. Mr. Griffin,
it's a very simple,
362
00:16:19,900 --> 00:16:22,298
safe procedure
in which we very precisely
363
00:16:22,367 --> 00:16:24,632
and delicately
remove the embryo.
364
00:16:24,700 --> 00:16:28,433
We do it all the time, and
I promise it's virtually
risk-free.
365
00:16:28,501 --> 00:16:31,566
Well, I have to say,
I feel a little better
about it.
366
00:16:31,634 --> 00:16:33,898
I think this may be
the right thing to do.
367
00:16:33,967 --> 00:16:36,799
Mrs. Griffin,
we have a saying around here.
368
00:16:36,868 --> 00:16:39,799
"Let's keep
abortion safe,
legal and rare."
369
00:16:39,868 --> 00:16:41,232
Okay, well,
why don't you get started?
370
00:16:41,301 --> 00:16:43,132
I'm gonna go sit in the car
and pretend like I'm driving.
371
00:16:43,201 --> 00:16:44,932
I'm gonna be in a race.
372
00:16:45,667 --> 00:16:47,732
(PEOPLE CLAMORING)
373
00:16:50,201 --> 00:16:51,832
Hey, what are you
guys bellyaching about?
374
00:16:51,901 --> 00:16:54,366
Sir, we are doing
all that we can
to stop
375
00:16:54,434 --> 00:16:56,865
the killing of
millions of unborn babies.
376
00:16:56,935 --> 00:17:00,066
If you have a few moments,
I'd like you to watch this
video presentation.
377
00:17:00,135 --> 00:17:02,799
Yeah, I got a few minutes.
My wife's getting an abortion.
378
00:17:07,768 --> 00:17:09,231
Hello, friend.
379
00:17:09,300 --> 00:17:11,465
I hear you're contemplating
having an abortion.
380
00:17:11,534 --> 00:17:13,298
But before you do, remember,
381
00:17:13,367 --> 00:17:15,832
science has proven that
within hours of conception,
382
00:17:15,901 --> 00:17:17,999
a human fetus has
started a college fund
383
00:17:18,067 --> 00:17:20,298
and has already made
your first Mother's Day card
384
00:17:20,367 --> 00:17:21,732
out of macaroni and glitter.
385
00:17:24,268 --> 00:17:25,431
(EXCLAIMING)
386
00:17:25,500 --> 00:17:27,033
But don't take
my word for it.
387
00:17:27,101 --> 00:17:29,298
Just ask my
little friend Ziggy!
388
00:17:29,367 --> 00:17:31,932
Hi! I'm Ziggy the zygote.
389
00:17:32,001 --> 00:17:35,899
I'm looking forward to being
an active member of
your community.
390
00:17:35,968 --> 00:17:37,266
Can I hug you?
391
00:17:37,334 --> 00:17:39,565
(LAUGHING) Of course
you can, Ziggy!
392
00:17:39,634 --> 00:17:41,365
Because even though
they're not visible yet,
393
00:17:41,434 --> 00:17:43,298
you already
have tiny arms.
394
00:17:43,367 --> 00:17:46,999
Arms that
will one day work,
play, and fold in prayer.
395
00:17:47,068 --> 00:17:48,165
(CHEERING)
396
00:17:48,233 --> 00:17:50,899
But... Uh-oh. What's this?
397
00:17:50,967 --> 00:17:52,666
(SCREAMING)
398
00:17:52,734 --> 00:17:54,199
Oh, my God!
399
00:17:54,267 --> 00:17:55,765
Well, he's gone,
400
00:17:55,834 --> 00:17:58,099
just like
so many other
promising human lives
401
00:17:58,168 --> 00:18:00,432
who were probably
snuffed out by abortion,
402
00:18:00,501 --> 00:18:02,732
like the guy who
would have killed Hitler.
403
00:18:02,800 --> 00:18:04,766
Nice going, Schweinhund!
404
00:18:04,834 --> 00:18:06,799
The fourth Stooge.
That's right.
405
00:18:06,868 --> 00:18:09,066
There were supposed
to be four Stooges!
406
00:18:09,134 --> 00:18:11,332
It was gonna
be hilarious!
407
00:18:11,401 --> 00:18:15,366
And Osama Bin Laden's
America-loving older brother.
408
00:18:15,435 --> 00:18:17,532
I would have
talked him out of it!
409
00:18:17,601 --> 00:18:21,566
Wow. Thanks
a lot for 9/11,
abortion enthusiasts!
410
00:18:21,634 --> 00:18:24,065
And remember, not only is
abortion murder,
411
00:18:24,133 --> 00:18:27,766
but it's also
larceny, jaywalking
and securities fraud.
412
00:18:27,834 --> 00:18:29,465
And did you know
the baby you're aborting
413
00:18:29,534 --> 00:18:32,832
may also
have a baby inside of it
that you're also aborting?
414
00:18:32,901 --> 00:18:35,365
Now that you know this,
do you want an abortion?
415
00:18:35,434 --> 00:18:37,399
No! No, I do not!
416
00:18:41,001 --> 00:18:43,131
Peter, what the hell
are you doing?
417
00:18:43,200 --> 00:18:44,866
Have you lost your mind?
418
00:18:44,934 --> 00:18:46,899
Don't you worry,
unborn fetus child!
419
00:18:46,968 --> 00:18:50,466
I am here to save
you and protect you!
I have seen the light!
420
00:18:50,534 --> 00:18:53,566
Bless you, sir!
You should be very
proud of yourself!
421
00:18:53,634 --> 00:18:56,299
Oh, I am.
Prouder than
when I was a peacock.
422
00:18:56,367 --> 00:18:59,199
Griffin, nice work
on the Anderson account.
423
00:19:16,534 --> 00:19:17,865
So, how'd it
go at the clinic?
424
00:19:17,934 --> 00:19:20,866
Fine at first,
but then there
was a complication.
425
00:19:20,934 --> 00:19:22,832
We have decided
against the procedure.
426
00:19:22,901 --> 00:19:23,899
Really? Why?
427
00:19:23,967 --> 00:19:25,665
Because it's
killing babies, Brian.
428
00:19:25,734 --> 00:19:27,232
If God wanted
us to kill babies,
429
00:19:27,300 --> 00:19:28,865
he'd make them
all Chinese girls.
430
00:19:28,934 --> 00:19:31,132
Peter, it's not a baby,
it's a fertilized egg.
431
00:19:31,200 --> 00:19:32,732
It's the size of
the tip of a pin.
432
00:19:32,800 --> 00:19:33,999
It's alive, isn't it?
433
00:19:34,067 --> 00:19:36,365
To kill any living thing
is an abortion.
434
00:19:36,434 --> 00:19:38,665
That's what
the man I just met
outside the clinic told me.
435
00:19:38,734 --> 00:19:40,298
And he had a T-shirt
on that confirmed it.
436
00:19:40,367 --> 00:19:42,932
Okay, well, sperm is alive,
and every time you masturbate,
437
00:19:43,001 --> 00:19:46,332
millions of them die,
so is it wrong to
kill sperm?
438
00:19:46,400 --> 00:19:48,131
Yes. Yes, it is.
439
00:19:48,200 --> 00:19:50,365
From now on, no more
masturbating in this house.
440
00:19:50,434 --> 00:19:51,932
(STAMMERING) What?
Why?
441
00:19:52,001 --> 00:19:53,732
Because masturbation
is abortion.
442
00:19:53,801 --> 00:19:56,565
But abortion helps me get my
homework done.
443
00:19:56,634 --> 00:19:59,298
And sometimes
I abort in my sleep!
444
00:19:59,367 --> 00:20:01,232
What am I supposed to do
about that?
445
00:20:01,300 --> 00:20:04,532
Peter, I'm sorry
if you disagree with me,
but according to the law,
446
00:20:04,600 --> 00:20:07,666
it is still
my right to choose
what I do with my body.
447
00:20:07,734 --> 00:20:09,365
Well, the law is wrong, Lois!
448
00:20:09,433 --> 00:20:12,666
Okay, Peter, if
you're so pro-life,
let me ask you this.
449
00:20:12,734 --> 00:20:15,365
Would you
go down to the orphanage
and claim an unwanted baby
450
00:20:15,433 --> 00:20:16,498
and take care of it?
451
00:20:16,567 --> 00:20:18,598
No, Lois,
I'm here to
save the unborn.
452
00:20:18,668 --> 00:20:21,032
Once they
get out of the vagina,
they can go fuck themselves.
453
00:20:21,101 --> 00:20:24,432
Peter, what's inside of Lois
won't be remotely human for
six months.
454
00:20:24,501 --> 00:20:27,165
There's no brain activity
until at least the 27th week.
455
00:20:27,234 --> 00:20:28,465
It's still a person, Brian.
456
00:20:28,534 --> 00:20:31,032
It's a woman's responsibility
to carry it to term.
457
00:20:31,100 --> 00:20:32,399
Well, what if
a woman is raped?
458
00:20:32,467 --> 00:20:33,565
Maybe she should
have thought of that
459
00:20:33,634 --> 00:20:34,899
before she asked
me for directions.
460
00:20:34,967 --> 00:20:36,932
Huh?
What about incest, Peter?
461
00:20:37,001 --> 00:20:38,431
What's incest?
462
00:20:38,500 --> 00:20:40,966
You know how cousin Lou
has that kid whose
eyes touch?
463
00:20:41,035 --> 00:20:43,532
So what,
you're saying Touch Eyes
doesn't deserve to exist?
464
00:20:43,601 --> 00:20:45,331
Boy, you don't
mind him when you
want a needle threaded.
465
00:20:45,400 --> 00:20:48,265
I'm just saying
that they should have
at least had the option.
466
00:20:48,333 --> 00:20:49,832
How can you say that?
467
00:20:49,901 --> 00:20:52,166
Think of
all the love he's given
to Uncle Mom and Aunt Dad.
468
00:20:52,234 --> 00:20:53,999
Okay, this argument
isn't working.
469
00:20:54,068 --> 00:20:56,699
Peter, what if carrying the
baby to term would endanger
the mother's life?
470
00:20:56,768 --> 00:20:58,632
I don't know
what seven of
those words were.
471
00:20:58,701 --> 00:21:00,265
What if you look
at the ultrasound
472
00:21:00,334 --> 00:21:03,498
and see that
the baby's gonna be born
with no arms and no legs?
473
00:21:03,567 --> 00:21:04,999
You name it Matt.
474
00:21:05,068 --> 00:21:06,165
(TOOTING)
475
00:21:06,234 --> 00:21:08,699
Peter, I honestly
don't care what you say.
476
00:21:08,767 --> 00:21:11,399
I am going back
to that clinic and
I'm having that abortion.
477
00:21:11,468 --> 00:21:12,665
Oh, no, you're not!
478
00:21:12,734 --> 00:21:15,132
Oh, yes, I am!
Now you get out of my way!
479
00:21:15,201 --> 00:21:17,165
Lois, you go down there
and I'll blow the place up!
480
00:21:17,234 --> 00:21:18,832
You wouldn't!
You've seen Family Guy!
481
00:21:18,901 --> 00:21:20,665
You know I would!
482
00:21:20,734 --> 00:21:24,066
So what, you'd kill
a bunch of doctors to show
them that killing is wrong?
483
00:21:24,134 --> 00:21:25,599
Does that make
sense to you, Peter?
484
00:21:25,668 --> 00:21:26,732
Well...
485
00:21:26,801 --> 00:21:30,366
Does it?
I guess not.
486
00:21:30,435 --> 00:21:32,832
(SIGHING) So what
the hell do we do, huh?
487
00:21:32,901 --> 00:21:34,366
I mean, we're not
gonna solve anything
488
00:21:34,434 --> 00:21:37,233
by standing here
screaming at each other.
489
00:21:37,302 --> 00:21:39,432
You and I are in
this together, Peter,
490
00:21:39,500 --> 00:21:41,832
and whatever we decide,
we both have to agree
491
00:21:41,901 --> 00:21:43,732
that it's
the right thing to do.
492
00:21:43,801 --> 00:21:45,332
Well, so now what?
493
00:21:45,401 --> 00:21:48,465
I say we go upstairs
and have a long talk,
494
00:21:48,534 --> 00:21:50,598
and we don't come down
until we've made a decision
495
00:21:50,667 --> 00:21:52,198
that we both
can live with.
496
00:21:52,267 --> 00:21:54,298
(SIGHING) All right, Lois.
497
00:22:01,034 --> 00:22:03,465
Well, I think we made
the right decision.
498
00:22:03,534 --> 00:22:06,333
I mean, sure,
having a baby
costs a fortune.
499
00:22:06,401 --> 00:22:08,333
There's cutbacks
on things we love.
500
00:22:08,401 --> 00:22:12,299
There's diapers and crying
and late nights with no sleep.
501
00:22:12,368 --> 00:22:16,532
Flu shots and mumps
and driver's ed and
college tuition.
502
00:22:16,601 --> 00:22:17,666
But you know what?
503
00:22:17,734 --> 00:22:20,366
It's one more person
to share the world with.
504
00:22:20,435 --> 00:22:23,333
Another little voice
in the backseat of the car.
505
00:22:23,401 --> 00:22:26,598
One more Griffin to love
and to love us in return.
506
00:22:28,801 --> 00:22:29,898
We had the abortion.
507
00:23:05,200 --> 00:23:06,199
English - US - Line 21