1 00:00:01,534 --> 00:00:02,299 (AUDIENCE CHEERING) 2 00:00:02,368 --> 00:00:04,333 (ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYING) 3 00:00:04,401 --> 00:00:07,066 ANNOUNCER: Live from the Jerry O'Connell Stamos Theater in Hollywood, 4 00:00:07,134 --> 00:00:10,999 Family Guy presents Seth & Alex's Almost Live Comedy Show, 5 00:00:11,068 --> 00:00:14,199 featuring Walter Murphy and his orchestra. 6 00:00:15,334 --> 00:00:16,999 (DRUM ROLL) 7 00:00:17,068 --> 00:00:20,966 Ladies and gentlemen, Alex Borstein and Seth MacFarlane. 8 00:00:21,035 --> 00:00:22,866 (AUDIENCE CHEERING) 9 00:00:27,400 --> 00:00:30,698 ♪ It seems today that all you see 10 00:00:30,768 --> 00:00:34,032 ♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV 11 00:00:34,101 --> 00:00:37,665 ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values 12 00:00:37,734 --> 00:00:40,666 ♪ On which we used to rely? 13 00:00:40,734 --> 00:00:43,799 ♪ Lucky there's a family guy 14 00:00:43,868 --> 00:00:47,166 ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do 15 00:00:47,235 --> 00:00:48,699 ♪ All the things that make us 16 00:00:48,768 --> 00:00:50,298 ♪ Laugh and cry 17 00:00:50,367 --> 00:00:56,532 ♪ He's a family guy ♪ 18 00:01:00,268 --> 00:01:02,099 (AUDIENCE CHEERING) 19 00:01:08,668 --> 00:01:10,033 Thank you. 20 00:01:10,100 --> 00:01:11,165 Thank you. 21 00:01:11,233 --> 00:01:13,132 No, thank you. Thank you. 22 00:01:13,201 --> 00:01:15,866 Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, I'm Seth MacFarlane. 23 00:01:15,934 --> 00:01:20,133 I'm Alex Borstein, and we wanna welcome you to our Almost Live Comedy Show. 24 00:01:20,202 --> 00:01:21,598 You know, we have so much fun 25 00:01:21,668 --> 00:01:22,766 doing Family Guy every week... We do? 26 00:01:22,834 --> 00:01:24,432 ...we thought, let's find a way 27 00:01:24,501 --> 00:01:27,865 to bring that kind of wacky, cartoon, musical-comedy vibe 28 00:01:27,934 --> 00:01:29,532 to a live setting. So here we are. 29 00:01:29,600 --> 00:01:31,198 We have some songs, we have some sketches. 30 00:01:31,267 --> 00:01:32,766 Lots of other fun stuff planned. 31 00:01:32,835 --> 00:01:34,899 And we have here, live in the studio, 32 00:01:34,968 --> 00:01:36,999 Walter Murphy and his orchestra. 33 00:01:37,068 --> 00:01:38,866 (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) 34 00:01:43,101 --> 00:01:44,732 Walter wrote the Family Guy theme, 35 00:01:44,801 --> 00:01:46,399 much of the music for the series. 36 00:01:46,467 --> 00:01:48,366 And this is the band you hear every week on the show. 37 00:01:48,434 --> 00:01:51,166 Now they play everything from the splashy show tunes 38 00:01:51,234 --> 00:01:52,999 to those little tiny play-ons that you see 39 00:01:53,068 --> 00:01:54,566 every time you see the Griffins' house. 40 00:01:54,634 --> 00:01:56,032 And let's hear one of those. 41 00:01:56,101 --> 00:01:57,899 (INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING) 42 00:02:01,567 --> 00:02:02,632 It's good use of 40 musicians, right? 43 00:02:02,701 --> 00:02:03,732 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 44 00:02:03,801 --> 00:02:05,598 (INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING) 45 00:02:07,735 --> 00:02:09,298 Okay, you know, let's have some family time. 46 00:02:09,367 --> 00:02:10,599 Okay, here's one, you guys. 47 00:02:10,667 --> 00:02:13,798 You can have sex with one celebrity. Who's it gonna be? 48 00:02:13,867 --> 00:02:16,099 Now that's a good one. That's a good question. 49 00:02:16,167 --> 00:02:17,865 Lois, who's it gonna be? 50 00:02:17,934 --> 00:02:19,265 Danny Gans. 51 00:02:19,334 --> 00:02:20,799 He's dead. What? 52 00:02:20,867 --> 00:02:22,332 Oh, my God. When? 53 00:02:22,401 --> 00:02:23,566 Like, earlier this year. 54 00:02:23,634 --> 00:02:25,932 (SPEAKS HEBREW) 55 00:02:26,001 --> 00:02:27,599 So does that change your answer? 56 00:02:27,667 --> 00:02:28,932 No. 57 00:02:29,001 --> 00:02:31,365 Okay, you know what? Then Lance Burton. 58 00:02:31,434 --> 00:02:35,400 Because he could pull quarters out of me that I didn't know were there. 59 00:02:35,468 --> 00:02:36,866 What about you, Peter? 60 00:02:36,934 --> 00:02:38,465 Brigitte Nielsen. Who? 61 00:02:38,534 --> 00:02:40,232 From Rocky IV. 62 00:02:40,301 --> 00:02:42,933 You know, the blonde, kind of butch-looking blonde with the short hair. 63 00:02:43,001 --> 00:02:45,532 Although, you know, I can never tell what her relationship with Ivan Drago 64 00:02:45,601 --> 00:02:47,132 was supposed to be in that movie. 65 00:02:47,201 --> 00:02:50,632 You know, I mean, was she his girlfriend or his agent or him? 66 00:02:50,701 --> 00:02:53,333 That's a terrible choice. Pick someone current. 67 00:02:54,301 --> 00:02:55,698 All right, Cate Blanchett. 68 00:02:55,768 --> 00:02:57,199 What... Why? 69 00:02:57,268 --> 00:02:59,200 Because I'm told she's quite beautiful. 70 00:02:59,267 --> 00:03:00,332 By who? 71 00:03:00,400 --> 00:03:02,499 The press and women and gay guys. 72 00:03:02,567 --> 00:03:04,999 So, everyone except straight men. 73 00:03:05,067 --> 00:03:07,599 Yes. Plus I want children who can't go in the sun. 74 00:03:07,668 --> 00:03:10,266 Ooh, Cate Blanchett, va-va voom. 75 00:03:10,334 --> 00:03:12,398 What about you, Brian? Mayim Bialik. 76 00:03:12,467 --> 00:03:13,699 Really? Why? 77 00:03:13,767 --> 00:03:16,565 Because I know that she would never hurt me. 78 00:03:16,634 --> 00:03:18,632 I know that she would never leave. 79 00:03:18,700 --> 00:03:19,865 Wait, was she Punky Brewster? 80 00:03:19,934 --> 00:03:21,232 No, she was Blossom. 81 00:03:21,300 --> 00:03:24,932 Oh, no. Ooh, is that what's gonna happen to Hannah Montana? 82 00:03:25,001 --> 00:03:27,433 No! She's gonna be beautiful always! 83 00:03:28,268 --> 00:03:29,899 Whoa. 84 00:03:29,968 --> 00:03:31,433 Okay, buddy. 85 00:03:32,601 --> 00:03:34,866 Well, I would pick Mrs. Humphreys. 86 00:03:34,935 --> 00:03:36,199 Who? 87 00:03:36,268 --> 00:03:38,333 Mrs. Humphreys. She checks us in at daycare. 88 00:03:38,401 --> 00:03:39,699 That's not a celebrity. 89 00:03:39,768 --> 00:03:41,565 (SCOFFS) Everybody at daycare knows who she is. 90 00:03:41,634 --> 00:03:44,798 And she smells like applesauce and chalk and a little bit of whiskey, 91 00:03:44,867 --> 00:03:46,966 and that suits me just fine. 92 00:03:47,034 --> 00:03:48,766 How about you, Meg? 93 00:03:49,268 --> 00:03:50,366 C-3PO. 94 00:03:50,434 --> 00:03:51,965 What... What? 95 00:03:52,034 --> 00:03:54,966 Yeah, he seems like he'd be really smart and kind of gentle. 96 00:03:55,034 --> 00:03:56,899 Gentle? Meg, you sleep with him, 97 00:03:56,967 --> 00:03:58,499 he'd cut you open like a tin can. 98 00:03:58,568 --> 00:04:00,933 (YELLING) Well, maybe that's what I like! 99 00:04:01,001 --> 00:04:03,198 You guys don't know me! 100 00:04:03,267 --> 00:04:04,832 (SOBBING) 101 00:04:08,234 --> 00:04:11,099 So, we all go pleasure ourselves in separate rooms 102 00:04:11,167 --> 00:04:12,198 and come back in 10. 103 00:04:12,267 --> 00:04:13,898 Sounds good to me. 104 00:04:15,900 --> 00:04:17,298 PETER: Hey, what about Chris? 105 00:04:17,367 --> 00:04:19,965 LOIS: Oh, he already finished about 16 times today. 106 00:04:20,034 --> 00:04:21,432 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 107 00:04:21,501 --> 00:04:22,999 (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) 108 00:04:24,934 --> 00:04:28,232 You know, with all this off-color stuff that we're doing, 109 00:04:28,300 --> 00:04:31,932 all these self-pleasuring jokes and whatnot, 110 00:04:32,001 --> 00:04:34,865 it's good to inject a certain amount of heart into this type of show, 111 00:04:34,934 --> 00:04:37,198 especially with this fabulous orchestra. 112 00:04:37,267 --> 00:04:41,765 So if I may, I'd like to do a song from my favorite movie. 113 00:04:41,834 --> 00:04:43,999 (ORCHESTRA PLAYING EDELWEISS) 114 00:04:51,234 --> 00:04:58,466 ♪ Edelweiss, Edelweiss 115 00:04:58,534 --> 00:05:03,732 ♪ Every morning you greet me 116 00:05:03,801 --> 00:05:05,465 I'm sorry. I'm sorry, can we just stop one second? 117 00:05:05,534 --> 00:05:07,165 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 118 00:05:07,233 --> 00:05:09,565 I'm so sorry. I thought we discussed this in rehearsal 119 00:05:09,634 --> 00:05:11,331 that we weren't gonna do this song. What's wrong? 120 00:05:11,400 --> 00:05:13,231 We weren't gonna do this song. What's the problem? 121 00:05:13,300 --> 00:05:16,399 Well, you know, my being Jewish and my family history... 122 00:05:16,468 --> 00:05:19,333 If you read your history books, you know the Austrian people 123 00:05:19,401 --> 00:05:21,766 were not very kind to my people during World War II. 124 00:05:21,835 --> 00:05:24,765 And we said we weren't gonna do this. 125 00:05:24,834 --> 00:05:25,999 Nah, it's a good song. 126 00:05:26,067 --> 00:05:32,866 ♪ Small and white, clean and bright 127 00:05:32,934 --> 00:05:38,432 ♪ You look happy to meet me 128 00:05:38,501 --> 00:05:40,300 No. You know what? I'm sorry. What? 129 00:05:40,367 --> 00:05:42,133 I'm really sorry. You know what, I'm not gonna not say anything. 130 00:05:42,202 --> 00:05:43,899 Everyone talks about 131 00:05:43,968 --> 00:05:45,233 how the Jews never did anything and they didn't fight back. 132 00:05:45,302 --> 00:05:46,765 Well, I'm gonna do it right now. 133 00:05:46,835 --> 00:05:48,498 I'm fighting back tonight. This is not okay. 134 00:05:48,567 --> 00:05:51,832 Look, look. I don't mean to be a jerk, but we're doing a TV show. 135 00:05:51,901 --> 00:05:54,199 This is not the place to bring out your Hebrew baggage, all right? 136 00:05:54,268 --> 00:05:56,666 This is... Can we just get through this? 137 00:05:56,734 --> 00:06:02,531 ♪ Blossom of snow may you bloom and grow 138 00:06:02,600 --> 00:06:08,065 ♪ Bloom and grow forever 139 00:06:08,133 --> 00:06:09,131 No. You know what? I'm... No. 140 00:06:09,200 --> 00:06:10,599 Oh, my God. 141 00:06:10,668 --> 00:06:12,298 I'm really sorry. But I'm not gonna just... 142 00:06:12,367 --> 00:06:14,066 My mother, who's here tonight, and my grandmother, 143 00:06:14,135 --> 00:06:15,999 they barely escaped the Nazis during World War II. 144 00:06:16,068 --> 00:06:18,699 And I will be damned if I'm gonna stand here with a smile on my face 145 00:06:18,767 --> 00:06:20,331 'cause you're Seth MacFarlane. 146 00:06:20,400 --> 00:06:22,565 No one should mess with Seth. I'm sorry. No. 147 00:06:22,634 --> 00:06:24,099 Look, look. Let me just ask you this. 148 00:06:24,167 --> 00:06:26,466 Had none of that ever happened, 149 00:06:26,534 --> 00:06:27,932 how many female Jewish comedians 150 00:06:28,001 --> 00:06:29,632 would you be competing with in Hollywood? 151 00:06:29,701 --> 00:06:32,065 Right? Right now, it's just you and Sarah Silverman. 152 00:06:32,134 --> 00:06:33,932 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 153 00:06:35,467 --> 00:06:42,232 ♪ Edelweiss, Edelweiss MACFARLANE: ♪ Edelweiss 154 00:06:42,301 --> 00:06:49,199 ♪ Bless my homeland forever ♪ ♪ Bless my homeland forever ♪ 155 00:06:52,534 --> 00:06:54,465 (AUDIENCE CHEERING) 156 00:07:03,534 --> 00:07:06,265 We have a little treat for you here. Now, working in Hollywood, 157 00:07:06,334 --> 00:07:09,365 you sometimes run across forgotten little treasures 158 00:07:09,434 --> 00:07:11,166 that somehow got swept under the rug. 159 00:07:11,234 --> 00:07:14,899 Well, we have gotten our hands on some discarded screen tests 160 00:07:14,968 --> 00:07:16,765 for some major Hollywood pictures. 161 00:07:16,834 --> 00:07:18,465 That's right. These are very cool. 162 00:07:18,534 --> 00:07:20,065 They're actors that we all know and love 163 00:07:20,134 --> 00:07:22,766 who actually tested for some surprising films. 164 00:07:22,834 --> 00:07:25,499 And had they been cast, it would have been a terrible mistake. 165 00:07:25,567 --> 00:07:27,499 So just have a look. 166 00:07:29,234 --> 00:07:31,365 MACFARLANE: Okay, Bea Arthur, Showgirls. 167 00:07:32,701 --> 00:07:34,499 Okay, whenever you're ready. 168 00:07:34,567 --> 00:07:37,732 All right, I just... I have a couple of questions. 169 00:07:37,801 --> 00:07:40,565 First of all, there's a line in here where he says, 170 00:07:40,634 --> 00:07:44,899 "It must be weird not having anyone (BLEEP) on you." 171 00:07:44,967 --> 00:07:48,099 Now, do I think that's weird? Is that... That is weird? 172 00:07:48,167 --> 00:07:50,632 I would think... Yes, you think it's weird. Okay. 173 00:07:50,701 --> 00:07:53,465 Okay, and then, also, there's a scene here 174 00:07:53,534 --> 00:07:55,832 where we're making love in the swimming pool, 175 00:07:55,901 --> 00:07:59,266 and I'm writhing around in ecstasy in the water. 176 00:07:59,334 --> 00:08:03,199 Now, do you want me to climax while he's shoving me underwater 177 00:08:03,268 --> 00:08:06,732 or do you want it when I come up gasping for air? 178 00:08:06,801 --> 00:08:08,866 You know, just go ahead and do what feels right, 179 00:08:08,935 --> 00:08:11,999 but we did want to have you in your swimsuit for this. 180 00:08:12,068 --> 00:08:13,566 This is my swimsuit. 181 00:08:13,634 --> 00:08:15,366 Okay, next. 182 00:08:17,367 --> 00:08:20,366 (MACFARLANE READING) 183 00:08:20,434 --> 00:08:21,499 Okay, go ahead. 184 00:08:21,567 --> 00:08:24,599 I'm a robot that turns into a truck. 185 00:08:24,667 --> 00:08:26,665 Look, I'll do it right now. 186 00:08:26,734 --> 00:08:28,766 (IMITATING SOUND EFFECTS) 187 00:08:28,834 --> 00:08:31,099 Look, now I'm a robot. 188 00:08:31,167 --> 00:08:33,232 (IMITATING SOUND EFFECTS) 189 00:08:33,301 --> 00:08:34,832 Now I'm a truck. 190 00:08:34,901 --> 00:08:36,465 Yeah, you don't have to make the noise. 191 00:08:36,534 --> 00:08:39,399 I've been practicing the noise in the shower. 192 00:08:39,467 --> 00:08:41,432 (IMITATING SOUND EFFECTS) 193 00:08:41,501 --> 00:08:43,232 Now I'm a robot. 194 00:08:47,368 --> 00:08:50,999 Now I'm a truck. You can't believe what you're seeing. 195 00:08:52,467 --> 00:08:55,465 (MACFARLANE READING) 196 00:08:55,534 --> 00:08:56,666 Whenever you're ready. 197 00:08:56,734 --> 00:08:58,432 Oh, God, I totally love pianos. 198 00:08:58,500 --> 00:08:59,632 I would totally love to play the piano 199 00:08:59,701 --> 00:09:01,198 'cause I used to take lessons when I was little, 200 00:09:01,267 --> 00:09:02,865 when I was a little kid, my mom got me the lessons. 201 00:09:02,934 --> 00:09:05,132 I was like, "I'm not playing piano. Only the dorks play piano." 202 00:09:05,200 --> 00:09:06,832 Oh, my God, I was more interested in being with the guys. 203 00:09:06,900 --> 00:09:08,599 And the guys were like, "Loser." And I was like, 204 00:09:08,667 --> 00:09:10,765 "I'll sleep with you. Even if you think I'm a loser, I don't care." 205 00:09:10,834 --> 00:09:12,665 They said, "Will you sleep with the whole hockey team?" 206 00:09:12,734 --> 00:09:13,898 "I'll do anything for attention." Kathy. Kathy. 207 00:09:13,967 --> 00:09:15,665 "I don't mind." Kathy. 208 00:09:15,734 --> 00:09:18,932 You character does not talk in the movie The Piano. She's a mute. 209 00:09:19,001 --> 00:09:20,665 I can do that. 210 00:09:20,734 --> 00:09:23,065 (HUMMING) 211 00:09:23,134 --> 00:09:25,132 Not talking at all. The piano. Piano. 212 00:09:25,200 --> 00:09:26,298 (CONTINUES HUMMING) 213 00:09:26,367 --> 00:09:28,332 Okay, quieter. This is a chord. 214 00:09:28,400 --> 00:09:32,132 Quieter. Okay, that was a chord. Quieter. Quieter. 215 00:09:32,200 --> 00:09:33,265 (HUMMING SOFTLY) 216 00:09:33,334 --> 00:09:35,865 Totally silent. No noise at all, Kathy. 217 00:09:35,934 --> 00:09:36,965 (WHIMPERS) 218 00:09:37,034 --> 00:09:38,032 Don't make a sound. 219 00:09:38,101 --> 00:09:39,198 (HUMS) 220 00:09:39,267 --> 00:09:40,599 Okay, thanks. 221 00:09:42,068 --> 00:09:45,632 (MACFARLANE READING) 222 00:09:45,701 --> 00:09:46,832 Okay, go ahead. 223 00:09:46,901 --> 00:09:48,531 Okay, fellows, let's roll. 224 00:09:48,600 --> 00:09:50,698 We'll charge the cockpit, bust open the door 225 00:09:50,768 --> 00:09:52,498 and take down the hijackers. 226 00:09:52,567 --> 00:09:54,265 There's just one thing I want you to do. 227 00:09:54,333 --> 00:09:55,398 What's that? 228 00:09:55,467 --> 00:09:57,133 Talk me out of it. 229 00:09:57,201 --> 00:09:58,932 (SOBBING) 230 00:09:59,001 --> 00:10:01,365 I do believe in Allah. I do believe in Allah. 231 00:10:01,433 --> 00:10:03,298 I do, I do, I do, I do. 232 00:10:04,801 --> 00:10:08,033 (MACFARLANE READING) 233 00:10:08,102 --> 00:10:11,132 Okay, you see the spaceship for the first time. 234 00:10:11,200 --> 00:10:12,232 Okay. 235 00:10:12,300 --> 00:10:14,132 And you can't take your eyes off it. 236 00:10:14,200 --> 00:10:15,999 Like this? Bigger. 237 00:10:16,067 --> 00:10:17,898 Big reaction. Oh, my God. 238 00:10:17,967 --> 00:10:19,932 Wide-eyed and bigger. Like this? 239 00:10:20,001 --> 00:10:21,798 Eye-popping action, Renee. Big, big reaction. 240 00:10:21,867 --> 00:10:23,032 (EXCLAIMING) 241 00:10:23,101 --> 00:10:24,398 Oh, my God, I see aliens. 242 00:10:24,467 --> 00:10:25,765 You cannot believe your eyes. 243 00:10:25,834 --> 00:10:27,265 Oh, my God, there they are. (GASPING) 244 00:10:27,334 --> 00:10:28,698 You cannot believe your wide-open eyes. 245 00:10:28,767 --> 00:10:30,698 Oh, my God, I'm so surprised. 246 00:10:30,767 --> 00:10:32,932 It's just eye-popping action, 247 00:10:33,001 --> 00:10:35,165 and you're looking right at it. 248 00:10:35,234 --> 00:10:36,465 I feel it. Your eyes are burning 249 00:10:36,534 --> 00:10:37,999 from looking at it so much. I'm feeling it. 250 00:10:38,067 --> 00:10:39,565 The Meisner's kicking in. 251 00:10:39,634 --> 00:10:40,798 (GASPING) 252 00:10:40,867 --> 00:10:42,565 Oh, my God. 253 00:10:44,235 --> 00:10:46,599 (MACFARLANE READING) 254 00:10:46,668 --> 00:10:48,632 Okay, scene 14. 255 00:10:48,700 --> 00:10:52,832 It is the decision of this law firm that you be terminated immediately. 256 00:10:52,901 --> 00:10:54,665 You're... You're firing me? 257 00:10:54,734 --> 00:10:56,465 I'm sorry. 258 00:10:56,533 --> 00:10:57,999 It's because I have AIDS, isn't it? 259 00:10:58,068 --> 00:11:00,899 You're firing me because I'm a homosexual man with AIDS. 260 00:11:00,968 --> 00:11:02,266 It's more complicated than that. 261 00:11:02,334 --> 00:11:03,465 Screw you. 262 00:11:03,534 --> 00:11:05,799 This is discrimination, pure and simple. 263 00:11:05,868 --> 00:11:07,498 And you know, I'd be a lot more upset about it 264 00:11:07,567 --> 00:11:09,498 if we didn't have John Denver here tonight, ladies and gentlemen. 265 00:11:09,567 --> 00:11:12,332 John Denver, yay. 266 00:11:12,400 --> 00:11:15,866 Wow, I think you might be perfect for this role. 267 00:11:15,935 --> 00:11:17,398 Really? Yeah. 268 00:11:17,467 --> 00:11:20,498 That was the gayest thing I've ever seen. 269 00:11:20,567 --> 00:11:22,699 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 270 00:11:23,667 --> 00:11:25,498 (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) 271 00:11:31,801 --> 00:11:34,899 You know, we do a lot of celebrity gags on Family Guy. 272 00:11:34,967 --> 00:11:36,499 We make fun of a lot of celebrities. 273 00:11:36,567 --> 00:11:39,832 And one of our favorites, though, was a gag in which 274 00:11:39,901 --> 00:11:42,599 Marlee Matlin calls Moviefone. 275 00:11:42,668 --> 00:11:45,199 And it went something like this. 276 00:11:45,268 --> 00:11:46,965 Welcome to Moviefone. 277 00:11:47,034 --> 00:11:50,666 Please say the name of the movie you would like to see now. 278 00:11:50,734 --> 00:11:53,732 (AS MATLIN) (500) Days of Summer. 279 00:11:53,801 --> 00:11:55,832 I did not understand your selection. 280 00:11:55,900 --> 00:11:59,565 Please say the name of the movie you would like to see now. 281 00:11:59,634 --> 00:12:01,833 (500) Days of Summer. 282 00:12:03,234 --> 00:12:05,399 You have selected Fame. 283 00:12:05,467 --> 00:12:06,832 (EXCLAIMS) 284 00:12:06,901 --> 00:12:08,698 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 285 00:12:08,767 --> 00:12:10,465 Just keeps getting funnier. We're gonna burn in hell, aren't we? 286 00:12:10,534 --> 00:12:13,599 I know. I know. I'm already feeling the heat. 287 00:12:14,367 --> 00:12:16,398 Now we... 288 00:12:16,467 --> 00:12:19,032 Seriously, if the Christians are right and I'm wrong, 289 00:12:19,101 --> 00:12:20,899 I am going to seriously burn in hell. 290 00:12:20,968 --> 00:12:22,666 You are. It's gonna be really bad. 291 00:12:22,734 --> 00:12:24,298 Even if... It's gonna be really bad. 292 00:12:24,367 --> 00:12:26,498 But even if they're wrong, let's just say... Yeah. 293 00:12:26,568 --> 00:12:28,566 ...I have a feeling that at some point here on Earth, 294 00:12:28,634 --> 00:12:29,732 someone's gonna set you on fire. 295 00:12:29,801 --> 00:12:30,999 (LAUGHING) 296 00:12:31,068 --> 00:12:32,665 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 297 00:12:32,734 --> 00:12:35,732 I'm just saying. Yeah. 298 00:12:35,801 --> 00:12:37,332 I have a feeling you're probably right. 299 00:12:37,401 --> 00:12:39,099 I've already made out my will. 300 00:12:39,167 --> 00:12:41,966 We kid Marlee Matlin, but she really is an amazing woman. 301 00:12:42,034 --> 00:12:44,331 She was on Dancing with the Stars recently. 302 00:12:44,400 --> 00:12:46,198 But what you may not know 303 00:12:46,267 --> 00:12:48,465 is that she also has an album coming out next year 304 00:12:48,534 --> 00:12:50,365 that features pop song covers, 305 00:12:50,434 --> 00:12:52,298 including this little gem. 306 00:12:52,367 --> 00:12:54,332 (ORCHESTRA PLAYING POKER FACE) 307 00:13:00,667 --> 00:13:04,399 (SINGING AS MATLIN) ♪ I wanna hold 'em like they do in Texas plays 308 00:13:04,467 --> 00:13:08,365 ♪ Fold 'em, let 'em hit me, raise it, baby stay with me 309 00:13:08,434 --> 00:13:12,232 ♪ Luck and intuition play the cards with spades to start 310 00:13:12,301 --> 00:13:16,331 ♪ And after he's been hooked I'll play the one that's on his heart 311 00:13:16,400 --> 00:13:18,198 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 312 00:13:20,668 --> 00:13:23,966 ♪ I'll get him hot, show him what I got 313 00:13:28,667 --> 00:13:32,632 ♪ I'll get him hot, show him what I got 314 00:13:32,700 --> 00:13:34,598 ♪ Can't read my, can't read my 315 00:13:34,667 --> 00:13:38,166 ♪ No, he can't read my poker face 316 00:13:40,634 --> 00:13:42,599 ♪ Can't read my, can't read my 317 00:13:42,668 --> 00:13:45,933 ♪ No, he can't read my poker face 318 00:13:48,668 --> 00:13:52,599 ♪ Poker face, poker face 319 00:13:52,668 --> 00:13:55,765 ♪ Poker face, poker face 320 00:13:58,367 --> 00:14:01,331 Are you still playing? You are. 321 00:14:01,400 --> 00:14:04,632 ...3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8. 322 00:14:04,701 --> 00:14:08,566 ♪ I wanna roll with him a hard pair we will be 323 00:14:08,634 --> 00:14:12,599 ♪ A little gambling is fun when you're with me 324 00:14:12,667 --> 00:14:14,732 ♪ Russian roulette is not... ♪ 325 00:14:16,534 --> 00:14:19,766 Oh (BLEEP). 326 00:14:21,901 --> 00:14:23,932 Shut up! 327 00:14:24,001 --> 00:14:27,832 I just... No, no. I just wanna say I'm a really, really big fan of yours. I... 328 00:14:27,901 --> 00:14:31,131 Children of a Lesser God was amazing, you won an award, 329 00:14:31,200 --> 00:14:34,499 and your book was so candid and so courageous, 330 00:14:34,568 --> 00:14:37,265 and your work on The West Wing is incredible. 331 00:14:37,334 --> 00:14:39,499 (EXCLAIMING) Shut up! 332 00:14:39,568 --> 00:14:41,466 You're embarrassing yourself. 333 00:14:43,467 --> 00:14:46,332 You think it feels good being made fun of? 334 00:14:47,634 --> 00:14:50,632 Well, how about I do an impression of you? 335 00:14:51,667 --> 00:14:53,532 No, you... Okay, let me do it. 336 00:14:57,200 --> 00:15:01,099 I'm Alex. I'm an arrogant little whore. 337 00:15:01,234 --> 00:15:03,132 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 338 00:15:03,201 --> 00:15:06,232 All I do is not exercise, 339 00:15:08,001 --> 00:15:09,632 eat Oreos 340 00:15:11,901 --> 00:15:14,632 and complain that I'm not in more movies. 341 00:15:18,567 --> 00:15:20,966 Here's me walking down the street. 342 00:15:26,335 --> 00:15:28,565 Does that feel good? No. 343 00:15:28,634 --> 00:15:30,299 Huh? No, it doesn't, Miss Matlin. 344 00:15:30,368 --> 00:15:31,665 Does it? No. 345 00:15:31,734 --> 00:15:33,232 No, it doesn't! 346 00:15:33,301 --> 00:15:34,365 No. 347 00:15:36,534 --> 00:15:37,665 (SIGHS) 348 00:15:37,734 --> 00:15:41,832 You know, you've made fun of me more than twice. 349 00:15:41,901 --> 00:15:43,932 Twice. On Family Guy. 350 00:15:45,135 --> 00:15:47,765 Did you ever think once 351 00:15:47,834 --> 00:15:51,432 of calling me and asking me to do my own voice? 352 00:15:51,500 --> 00:15:53,665 No, no, I swear, Miss Matlin, we did, we called. 353 00:15:53,734 --> 00:15:56,466 But the phone just rang and rang and... 354 00:15:56,534 --> 00:15:58,298 (ALL LAUGHING) 355 00:15:59,400 --> 00:16:00,398 (MOUTHING) 356 00:16:04,534 --> 00:16:06,565 You want to learn some sign language? 357 00:16:06,634 --> 00:16:08,266 Yeah. Yeah. Yeah? 358 00:16:09,001 --> 00:16:10,598 (BLEEP) 359 00:16:10,667 --> 00:16:11,965 (AUDIENCE CHEERING) 360 00:16:22,167 --> 00:16:24,499 You know, before we get too far into this, 361 00:16:24,567 --> 00:16:26,966 I gotta say, it's very nice to see you behind the microphone again. 362 00:16:27,034 --> 00:16:28,899 Well, thank you very much, Seth. 363 00:16:28,968 --> 00:16:30,799 Alex... Actually, you might not know this, Alex used to do stand-up. 364 00:16:30,868 --> 00:16:32,432 Well, more like storytelling. 365 00:16:32,501 --> 00:16:34,332 And you used to do... (LAUGHING) 366 00:16:34,401 --> 00:16:36,466 You used to do this bit which I would love for you to do right now. 367 00:16:36,534 --> 00:16:38,065 Which one? You know the one I'm talking about. 368 00:16:38,134 --> 00:16:39,799 I don't. That thing where you tell a joke 369 00:16:39,868 --> 00:16:41,299 that only a rapist can hear. 370 00:16:41,368 --> 00:16:43,132 Okay. 371 00:16:43,201 --> 00:16:44,732 All right, here you go. It goes like this. Yeah, yeah. 372 00:16:44,801 --> 00:16:46,799 (MOUTHING) 373 00:16:46,868 --> 00:16:48,199 (LAUGHING) 374 00:16:49,501 --> 00:16:51,265 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 375 00:17:01,834 --> 00:17:04,465 You know, when Family Guy returned from cancellation many moons ago, 376 00:17:04,534 --> 00:17:06,300 we began the season with Peter Griffin 377 00:17:06,368 --> 00:17:08,300 reciting a list of all the Fox shows 378 00:17:08,368 --> 00:17:10,233 that had been canceled since we were, 379 00:17:10,302 --> 00:17:12,366 if you remember that, and there were quite a lot of them. 380 00:17:12,434 --> 00:17:15,699 Yes, no one succeeds at failure better than Fox. 381 00:17:15,768 --> 00:17:17,498 So here's some clips 382 00:17:17,567 --> 00:17:20,033 from a few pilots that actually never even made to the air. 383 00:17:20,101 --> 00:17:21,599 Let's take a look. 384 00:17:21,668 --> 00:17:24,832 (SIREN WAILING) 385 00:17:24,901 --> 00:17:25,932 I'm not going in there. 386 00:17:26,001 --> 00:17:27,165 Well, I'm not either. 387 00:17:27,234 --> 00:17:28,665 But there's a drug dealer in there. 388 00:17:28,734 --> 00:17:30,599 I know, but what if he's got a cat? 389 00:17:30,667 --> 00:17:31,899 Oh, God. 390 00:17:31,968 --> 00:17:34,265 I'm gonna be all sniffles while I'm shooting. 391 00:17:34,334 --> 00:17:36,632 'Cause you know, it's not the fur. It's the dander. 392 00:17:36,701 --> 00:17:38,299 We're in the wrong profession. 393 00:17:38,367 --> 00:17:40,632 On the way back, let's not go the way with the toll. 394 00:17:40,701 --> 00:17:41,899 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 395 00:17:45,101 --> 00:17:49,131 Here's the main title sequence from a failed Fox western pilot. 396 00:17:49,200 --> 00:17:52,732 And I think part of the problem might be the theme song itself. 397 00:17:52,801 --> 00:17:55,933 Take a look at this. These lyrics don't seem to make a lot of sense. 398 00:18:00,401 --> 00:18:02,865 MAN: ♪ There was a man who shot the man 399 00:18:02,934 --> 00:18:06,365 ♪ who was a man who shot the man Cal Johnson 400 00:18:07,734 --> 00:18:10,032 CHORUS: ♪ Cal Johnson 401 00:18:10,101 --> 00:18:12,432 MAN: ♪ He wore a hat, his favorite hat 402 00:18:12,501 --> 00:18:16,466 ♪ He loved that hat, he hated hats Cal Johnson 403 00:18:17,301 --> 00:18:19,632 CHORUS: ♪ Cal Johnson 404 00:18:19,701 --> 00:18:24,632 MAN: ♪ He was a dad to zero kids and yet he fathered five 405 00:18:24,701 --> 00:18:29,265 ♪ He got shot dead a year ago and yet he's still alive 406 00:18:29,334 --> 00:18:34,199 ♪ He's rich beyond his wildest dreams yet never had a dime 407 00:18:34,267 --> 00:18:38,999 ♪ A lawman to the very end he led a life of crime 408 00:18:39,068 --> 00:18:43,632 ♪ In all his years of life on Earth he never fired a gun 409 00:18:43,701 --> 00:18:48,399 ♪ Yet when it came to Chinese men he shot down every one 410 00:18:48,468 --> 00:18:53,265 ♪ He had a horse named Bandit and the horse's name was Clyde 411 00:18:53,334 --> 00:19:00,299 ♪ Cal Johnson was born the day he died ♪ 412 00:19:00,368 --> 00:19:02,398 (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) 413 00:19:02,467 --> 00:19:04,732 Yeah. 414 00:19:04,801 --> 00:19:08,933 Patrick Warburton as Cal Johnson. We... Yeah. 415 00:19:11,234 --> 00:19:13,465 So here's the deal. We have a slight problem. 416 00:19:13,534 --> 00:19:16,599 Our time's almost up and we kind of promised the network 417 00:19:16,668 --> 00:19:19,865 that in exchange for getting to do this little show and play 418 00:19:19,934 --> 00:19:23,899 that we would really promote the heck out of The Cleveland Show. 419 00:19:23,967 --> 00:19:26,498 But we haven't done it. All we've done is sing songs and cuss a lot. 420 00:19:26,567 --> 00:19:29,033 Yeah. So how about this? 421 00:19:29,101 --> 00:19:31,300 As long as we're swearing so much, 422 00:19:31,367 --> 00:19:33,899 let's play a little game that might help promote the show. 423 00:19:33,968 --> 00:19:36,398 Every time we curse or use a bad word, 424 00:19:36,467 --> 00:19:38,332 instead of a bleep you'll hear this. 425 00:19:38,400 --> 00:19:40,899 AUTOMATED VOICE: Cleveland. 426 00:19:40,967 --> 00:19:44,532 Hmm. Interesting. So, like, if I wanna refer to my genitalia, 427 00:19:44,601 --> 00:19:45,732 instead I'd say... 428 00:19:45,801 --> 00:19:47,799 AUTOMATED VOICE: Cleveland. 429 00:19:47,867 --> 00:19:51,299 Right. Or, instead of saying, "erotic gratification" or something like that, 430 00:19:51,367 --> 00:19:54,766 I'd say, "Last night I watched Law & Order SVU 431 00:19:54,834 --> 00:19:56,099 "until I... AUTOMATED VOICE: Cleveland. 432 00:19:56,168 --> 00:19:57,266 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 433 00:19:57,334 --> 00:19:59,099 So I can say, "Hey, Seth, 434 00:19:59,168 --> 00:20:00,399 "you've got a really small..." AUTOMATED VOICE: Cleveland. 435 00:20:00,468 --> 00:20:01,933 Or I could say, "Gosh, Alex, 436 00:20:02,001 --> 00:20:03,966 "last night you gave me a really low-energy..." 437 00:20:04,035 --> 00:20:06,166 AUTOMATED VOICE: Cleveland. 438 00:20:06,234 --> 00:20:08,199 I think I understand. Let me see. 439 00:20:08,268 --> 00:20:10,466 So I could say, "Hey, I just spent all day at yoga 440 00:20:10,534 --> 00:20:11,799 "and my..." AUTOMATED VOICE: Cleveland. 441 00:20:11,868 --> 00:20:14,166 "...smells like a Moroccan village." 442 00:20:14,234 --> 00:20:16,465 You could definitely say that. 443 00:20:16,534 --> 00:20:18,298 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 444 00:20:21,934 --> 00:20:23,899 (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) 445 00:20:25,634 --> 00:20:27,765 Doesn't bother me. I take care of myself, I do yoga. 446 00:20:27,834 --> 00:20:29,699 (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) 447 00:20:29,767 --> 00:20:32,299 And if that's a byproduct, so be it. 448 00:20:33,734 --> 00:20:35,299 Okay, wait. So I could say also, like, 449 00:20:35,368 --> 00:20:38,933 "If you were a South African hermaphrodite runner, 450 00:20:39,001 --> 00:20:40,766 "you very well could have a... AUTOMATED VOICE: Cleveland. 451 00:20:40,835 --> 00:20:42,465 ...and... Cleveland. 452 00:20:42,534 --> 00:20:44,865 Ooh. Exotic. 453 00:20:44,934 --> 00:20:46,732 And if you were flexible, 454 00:20:46,801 --> 00:20:48,132 you could curl your... Cleveland. 455 00:20:48,201 --> 00:20:49,965 ...around your... Cleveland. 456 00:20:50,034 --> 00:20:51,432 ...wash it off, and then start in on your... Cleveland. 457 00:20:51,501 --> 00:20:53,166 ...your... Cleveland. 458 00:20:53,234 --> 00:20:55,132 ...got your two hands free to just... Cleveland. 459 00:20:55,201 --> 00:20:55,899 ...to...till they...on your... Cleveland. Cleveland. Cleveland. 460 00:20:55,967 --> 00:20:57,999 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 461 00:20:58,068 --> 00:20:59,599 Okay, are we done? 'Cause I am about to 462 00:20:59,668 --> 00:21:02,066 ...my... Cleveland. Cleveland. 463 00:21:02,135 --> 00:21:03,498 You can do that? 464 00:21:03,567 --> 00:21:05,632 Yeah, if I'm sitting on a hard bench or something. 465 00:21:05,700 --> 00:21:07,465 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 466 00:21:10,701 --> 00:21:13,399 All right. Well, folks, we hope you enjoyed our show. 467 00:21:13,468 --> 00:21:16,399 We really do and we wanna thank our fans both here in the audience and at home. 468 00:21:16,468 --> 00:21:18,666 We know that without you, we would not have any of this. 469 00:21:18,734 --> 00:21:21,399 (ALL CHEERING) 470 00:21:21,468 --> 00:21:25,265 Ladies and gentlemen, my beautiful TV wife, Alex Borstein. 471 00:21:25,333 --> 00:21:27,066 (AUDIENCE CHEERING) 472 00:21:28,968 --> 00:21:30,933 And now, we'll say good night to you 473 00:21:31,001 --> 00:21:34,365 with a few of your favorite Family Guy tunes. Walter. 474 00:21:38,134 --> 00:21:39,832 ♪ Now a woman who'll kiss on the very first date 475 00:21:39,901 --> 00:21:41,565 ♪ Is usually a hussy 476 00:21:41,634 --> 00:21:43,432 ♪ And a woman who'll kiss on the second time out 477 00:21:43,500 --> 00:21:45,100 ♪ Is anything but fussy 478 00:21:45,168 --> 00:21:47,099 ♪ But a woman who'll wait till the third time around 479 00:21:47,167 --> 00:21:48,865 ♪ Head in the clouds, feet on the ground 480 00:21:48,934 --> 00:21:52,199 ♪ She's the girl he's glad he's found She's his Shipoopi 481 00:21:52,268 --> 00:21:54,798 ♪ Shipoopi, Shipoopi, Shipoopi 482 00:21:54,867 --> 00:21:56,599 ALL: ♪ The girl who's hard to get 483 00:21:56,667 --> 00:21:59,199 ♪ Shipoopi, Shipoopi, Shipoopi 484 00:21:59,267 --> 00:22:00,932 CHEERLEADERS: ♪ But you can win her yet ♪ 485 00:22:01,001 --> 00:22:03,032 (AUDIENCE CHEERING) 486 00:22:06,001 --> 00:22:09,165 ♪ She packed my bags last night pre-flight. 487 00:22:10,968 --> 00:22:13,199 Zero hour, 9:00 a.m. 488 00:22:13,267 --> 00:22:15,099 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 489 00:22:17,567 --> 00:22:25,032 ♪ And I'm gonna be high As a kite by then 490 00:22:25,101 --> 00:22:27,132 All right, Walter, take this and jam it 491 00:22:27,201 --> 00:22:30,099 right down my trousers, my friend. 492 00:22:30,167 --> 00:22:33,432 ♪ And I think it's gonna be a long, long, time 493 00:22:33,501 --> 00:22:36,265 ♪ Till touchdown brings me round again to find 494 00:22:36,334 --> 00:22:39,400 ♪ I'm not the man they think I am at home 495 00:22:39,467 --> 00:22:41,999 ♪ Oh, no, no, no 496 00:22:42,068 --> 00:22:45,465 ♪ I'm a rocket man 497 00:22:45,533 --> 00:22:50,499 ♪ Rocket man burning off his fuse out here alone ♪ 498 00:22:52,068 --> 00:22:55,232 Ooh! Yes. Yes. 499 00:22:55,301 --> 00:22:59,332 I'm musically stimulated in a way that you can't put on TV. 500 00:22:59,401 --> 00:23:00,532 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 501 00:23:00,601 --> 00:23:03,133 (SURFIN' BIRD PLAYING) 502 00:23:03,202 --> 00:23:06,833 Oh, my God, this is Surfin' Bird by The Trashmen. 503 00:23:06,901 --> 00:23:09,166 This is my favorite song of all time! 504 00:23:09,235 --> 00:23:11,598 ♪ A-well-a bird, bird, bird Well, the bird is the word 505 00:23:11,667 --> 00:23:14,066 ♪ A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word 506 00:23:14,135 --> 00:23:16,365 ♪ A-well-a bird, bird, bird Well, the bird is the word 507 00:23:16,433 --> 00:23:18,732 ♪ A-well-a bird, bird, bird Well, the bird is the word 508 00:23:18,801 --> 00:23:21,132 ♪ A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word 509 00:23:21,200 --> 00:23:23,532 ♪ A-well-a bird, bird, bird Well, the bird is the word 510 00:23:23,600 --> 00:23:25,999 ♪ A-well-a, don't you know about the bird? 511 00:23:26,068 --> 00:23:28,399 ♪ Yeah, everybody's heard that the bird's the word 512 00:23:28,467 --> 00:23:30,665 ♪ A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word 513 00:23:30,734 --> 00:23:33,032 ♪ A-well-a bird, bird, bird Well, the bird is the word 514 00:23:33,100 --> 00:23:35,532 ♪ A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word 515 00:23:35,600 --> 00:23:37,965 ♪ A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word 516 00:23:38,034 --> 00:23:40,265 ♪ A-well-a bird, bird, bird Well, the bird is the word 517 00:23:40,334 --> 00:23:42,698 ♪ A-well-a, bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word 518 00:23:42,767 --> 00:23:44,966 ♪ A-well-a, bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word 519 00:23:45,034 --> 00:23:47,365 ♪ A-well-a bird, bird, bird Well, the bird is the word 520 00:23:47,434 --> 00:23:49,832 ♪ A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word 521 00:23:49,901 --> 00:23:52,098 ♪ A-well-a bird, bird, bird Well, the bird is the word 522 00:23:52,167 --> 00:23:54,499 ♪ A-well-a bird, bird, bird Well, the bird is the word 523 00:23:54,567 --> 00:23:56,065 ♪ A-well-a, bird, bird, bird ♪ 524 00:23:59,501 --> 00:24:00,499 ENGLISH - US - LINE 21