1 00:00:16,467 --> 00:00:18,932 Hey, how's it goin'? [ Gasps ] 2 00:00:19,001 --> 00:00:21,731 Oh, my God. Did you just talk? Uh, I did. 3 00:00:21,800 --> 00:00:24,898 Are you one of those frogs that'll turn into a prince if I kiss you? 4 00:00:24,968 --> 00:00:27,099 Why don't you kiss me and see for yourself? 5 00:00:28,634 --> 00:00:30,565 You're-- You're still a frog. 6 00:00:30,634 --> 00:00:32,831 Yeah, you also have to reach one hand under me... 7 00:00:32,900 --> 00:00:35,831 and lightly touch the underside of my penis. What? 8 00:00:35,900 --> 00:00:38,165 You have to reach one hand under-- No, no, no. 9 00:00:38,233 --> 00:00:41,431 I-I know what you said, but I've just never heard that part. 10 00:00:41,500 --> 00:00:44,898 Well, you have now. So I-I just, uh, lightly touch-- 11 00:00:44,967 --> 00:00:47,931 The underside of my penis. Yeah. Oh. Mmm, okay. I-- 12 00:00:51,634 --> 00:00:54,065 N-Nothing's happening. What do you mean? 13 00:00:54,134 --> 00:00:57,032 You're not turning into a prince. I'm not a prince. 14 00:00:57,100 --> 00:00:59,132 But you told me you were. Uh, I did not. 15 00:00:59,200 --> 00:01:00,898 Uh, yes, you did. I did not. 16 00:01:00,967 --> 00:01:03,465 You said I was, and I just didn't bother to correct you. 17 00:01:03,534 --> 00:01:05,465 So what are you? 18 00:01:05,534 --> 00:01:07,931 I'm just a frog lookin' to get some wood, man, 19 00:01:08,000 --> 00:01:12,166 and mission accomplished, thank you very much. You're a sick pervert. 20 00:01:12,234 --> 00:01:14,665 Yeah, well, I'm the one with the boner, so jackpot for me. 21 00:01:14,733 --> 00:01:16,232 You lose. You're a bastard. 22 00:01:16,300 --> 00:01:18,232 Well, take a hike then. 23 00:01:18,300 --> 00:01:20,899 Hey there. [ Gasps ] A frog prince! 24 00:01:20,967 --> 00:01:22,899 I'm supposed to kiss you, right? 25 00:01:22,967 --> 00:01:25,331 No, actually, you're supposed to take a dump on my back. 26 00:01:34,934 --> 00:01:38,498 [ With Scots Accent ] Oh, Tootsie, no. What are you doin'? 27 00:01:38,567 --> 00:01:41,498 You think you're foolin' 'em with that wig, but they're gonna find you out. 28 00:01:41,567 --> 00:01:43,498 They're gonna find you out, and then what? 29 00:01:43,567 --> 00:01:45,498 Then the shit hits the fan, doesn't it? 30 00:01:45,567 --> 00:01:47,665 Oh, you're not usin' your brain. 31 00:01:50,733 --> 00:01:53,198 Oh, Kermit, what are you doin'? 32 00:01:53,266 --> 00:01:56,264 You can't get to Hollywood in that old Studebaker. 33 00:01:56,333 --> 00:01:58,264 And besides, you're a puppet. 34 00:01:58,333 --> 00:02:00,699 They're not gonna listen to a puppet in Hollywood. 35 00:02:00,767 --> 00:02:03,032 Oh, don't stop and pick up those other puppets. 36 00:02:03,101 --> 00:02:05,032 There's no room for 'em in the car. 37 00:02:05,101 --> 00:02:07,066 Oh, you're not usin' your brain. 38 00:02:10,134 --> 00:02:12,432 Oh, Bender, what are you doin'? 39 00:02:12,501 --> 00:02:14,432 Don't talk back to the principal. 40 00:02:14,501 --> 00:02:17,099 He's just gonna make you come back next Saturday. 41 00:02:17,167 --> 00:02:19,165 Just keep your mou-- Oh, ya did it! 42 00:02:19,234 --> 00:02:22,065 You talked back to him. Oh, now you're gonna get more deten-- 43 00:02:22,134 --> 00:02:24,565 Oh, you did it again! You got another. 44 00:02:24,634 --> 00:02:26,965 What's wrong with you? Oh, there's another! Stop it. 45 00:02:27,034 --> 00:02:29,265 Oh, you got one more. You stupid bastard. 46 00:02:29,334 --> 00:02:31,266 Oh, you're not usin' your brain. 47 00:02:34,334 --> 00:02:36,598 Oh, Marty, what are you doin'? 48 00:02:36,667 --> 00:02:38,665 Don't be hangin' around that old man. 49 00:02:38,734 --> 00:02:40,898 His crazy inventions are just gonna get you into troub-- 50 00:02:40,967 --> 00:02:42,898 Oh, don't get in the DeLorean. 51 00:02:42,967 --> 00:02:44,898 He just told you it's a time machine. 52 00:02:44,967 --> 00:02:47,765 Oh, now you're gonna go back to the '50s and fuck up your parents' lives, 53 00:02:47,834 --> 00:02:50,598 and you'd know that if you were usin' your brain, but you're not, are you? 54 00:02:50,667 --> 00:02:52,598 You're not usin' your brain. 55 00:03:05,900 --> 00:03:08,665 [ Woman On P.A., Indistinct ] 56 00:03:21,433 --> 00:03:24,099 Hello. Hi. 57 00:03:24,168 --> 00:03:26,099 What's that you're reading? 58 00:03:26,168 --> 00:03:29,398 Uh, I'm just reading this LA Times piece on campaign reform. 59 00:03:29,466 --> 00:03:32,832 Oh. Where ya flying to? Uh, Africa. 60 00:03:32,901 --> 00:03:35,331 Oh, you live there? Yeah. I was just here for the holidays, 61 00:03:35,400 --> 00:03:37,464 and now I'm heading back home. Oh, cool. 62 00:03:37,533 --> 00:03:40,598 What, uh-- What do you do there? Look, I don't mean to be rude, 63 00:03:40,667 --> 00:03:43,099 but I really would kind of just like to read this article. 64 00:03:43,168 --> 00:03:46,198 Oh, no. Sure. Yeah. No, It's-- No, yeah, I'm just not much of a talker. 65 00:03:46,266 --> 00:03:49,631 Yeah. No, uh-- No, I-I was just askin' what you do for a living. 66 00:03:49,701 --> 00:03:52,732 Um, I peel bananas with my feet. 67 00:03:52,801 --> 00:03:55,166 Uh, I pick bugs off my friends' backs. 68 00:03:55,233 --> 00:03:56,965 And... that's pretty much it. 69 00:03:57,034 --> 00:03:59,732 Oh, I bet that's really interesting. No, not really. 70 00:03:59,800 --> 00:04:01,932 So, um, if you're ever in town again, 71 00:04:02,001 --> 00:04:05,065 would you maybe want to, uh, go get a drink with me or something? 72 00:04:05,134 --> 00:04:07,865 See a movie? Well, I don't really know when that would be. 73 00:04:07,934 --> 00:04:10,232 I, uh-- I don't get to the States that often. 74 00:04:10,300 --> 00:04:12,065 Oh. Yeah. 75 00:04:12,134 --> 00:04:14,532 Well, would you want to have sex with me now then? 76 00:04:14,601 --> 00:04:17,065 Now you're talkin'. 77 00:04:29,433 --> 00:04:31,365 That was awesome. I know. 78 00:04:31,433 --> 00:04:32,999 I mean, really. You were so giving. 79 00:04:33,068 --> 00:04:34,233 Oh, well-- So unselfish. 80 00:04:34,301 --> 00:04:36,166 You make it easy. Oh, I'm blushing. 81 00:04:36,235 --> 00:04:37,932 [ Laughs ] Really? I don't see it. 82 00:04:38,001 --> 00:04:40,899 No, it's only on my balls. I blush with my balls. 83 00:04:40,968 --> 00:04:42,899 Oh. Wow. Yeah. 84 00:04:42,968 --> 00:04:45,866 Weird. Um, hey, listen. There's something you should know. 85 00:04:45,934 --> 00:04:48,665 What's that? I have this disease that kind of... 86 00:04:48,734 --> 00:04:53,465 makes your immune system sort of... go away. Oh. 87 00:04:53,533 --> 00:04:56,166 Yeah, it's probably nothing, but I just thought I should tell you. 88 00:04:56,235 --> 00:04:59,431 Oh. Okay. Otherwise, I am clean as a whistle. 89 00:04:59,500 --> 00:05:01,966 Oh. Great. Hey, thanks for not makin' me wear a condom. 90 00:05:02,034 --> 00:05:03,531 Oh, yeah. No problem. 91 00:05:03,600 --> 00:05:05,598 Wanna go again? Let's pound it, brother. 92 00:05:12,167 --> 00:05:14,398 Now if you'll turn to page three in your packets, 93 00:05:14,467 --> 00:05:16,432 we'll go over fiscal projections. 94 00:05:16,501 --> 00:05:20,898 I'm pleased to announce a 32% increase in profit for the fourth quarter, 95 00:05:20,967 --> 00:05:24,999 as well as a 16% rise in yearly revenue at all subsidiaries. 96 00:05:25,067 --> 00:05:28,665 This is despite heightened competition and higher labor costs. 97 00:05:28,734 --> 00:05:31,898 Compound-percent yield, of course, assumes reinvested interest. 98 00:05:31,967 --> 00:05:35,898 Now value-oriented stocks appear to be attractive prospects once again, 99 00:05:35,967 --> 00:05:38,932 and quite able to generate a healthy cash flow... 100 00:05:39,001 --> 00:05:42,099 and give investors a reassuring margin of safety. 101 00:05:42,167 --> 00:05:44,798 Although the market is far from where it was six years ago, 102 00:05:44,867 --> 00:05:47,465 we're looking anew at value stocks and mutual funds... 103 00:05:47,534 --> 00:05:49,565 that hold value-oriented shares, 104 00:05:49,634 --> 00:05:53,532 which tend to have a low price-to-earnings or price-to-book ratios, 105 00:05:53,601 --> 00:05:55,532 or high yields from dividends. 106 00:05:55,601 --> 00:05:58,032 In fact, value stocks have performed better than growth stocks... 107 00:05:58,101 --> 00:06:00,965 over the past several years among the larger corporations, 108 00:06:01,034 --> 00:06:04,432 and the long-term compound appreciation is quite impressive. 109 00:06:04,501 --> 00:06:06,965 [ All Yowling ] 110 00:06:08,167 --> 00:06:10,499 Ha, ha! Assholes! 111 00:06:17,067 --> 00:06:19,499 [ Wind Whistling ] 112 00:06:20,767 --> 00:06:22,765 Uh-oh. I gotta poop. 113 00:06:22,834 --> 00:06:24,832 [ Grunting ] 114 00:06:26,467 --> 00:06:29,432 Come on, you. [ Grunts ] 115 00:06:29,501 --> 00:06:33,298 We are gathered here today to ask the blessing of the Lord, our god, 116 00:06:33,367 --> 00:06:35,532 for this union of Mark and Stephanie. 117 00:06:37,634 --> 00:06:40,965 Well, that's good enough for me. It's been great, Steph. Same here. Good luck. 118 00:06:41,034 --> 00:06:42,965 Best to the family. Yours too. 119 00:06:43,034 --> 00:06:45,198 I mean, this is pretty clear, right? Oh, yes. That's God's shit. 120 00:06:45,267 --> 00:06:47,732 Right. Yeah. Okay, thanks, everyone. 121 00:06:56,101 --> 00:06:59,765 All right, here's one. So a horse walks into a bar, and the bartender says, 122 00:06:59,834 --> 00:07:02,532 "Why the long face?" [ Laughs ] 123 00:07:02,600 --> 00:07:04,665 That's hilarious. 124 00:07:04,734 --> 00:07:06,665 Hey! Fuck you. Whoa! 125 00:07:06,733 --> 00:07:09,098 What the hell's your problem? You're my problem, dude. 126 00:07:09,167 --> 00:07:11,098 That joke is offensive. Oh, yeah? 127 00:07:11,167 --> 00:07:13,098 Yeah. I'm sorry that not everyone conforms... 128 00:07:13,167 --> 00:07:15,132 to your preconceived notions of attractiveness. 129 00:07:15,200 --> 00:07:18,532 It's a joke, man. Oh. Oh, yeah? It was a joke? How about this? 130 00:07:18,600 --> 00:07:20,598 Why are there so few black baseball players? 131 00:07:20,667 --> 00:07:22,632 Why? Because they're always stealing bases. 132 00:07:22,700 --> 00:07:25,798 Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Whoa! Hey, now that is offensive. 133 00:07:25,867 --> 00:07:27,931 Yeah. What the hell, man? Hey, it's a joke, man. 134 00:07:28,000 --> 00:07:31,731 Yeah, but it's racist. Oh, the horse with the long face just told a racist joke, huh? 135 00:07:31,800 --> 00:07:33,731 Yeah, th-that's different. Oh, yeah? How's it different? 136 00:07:33,800 --> 00:07:36,898 Hey, why do you have so many drinks and you haven't touched any of them? 137 00:07:36,967 --> 00:07:40,665 Uh, hello, Einstein. Hooves-- No fuckin' thumbs. Can't pick up a glass. 138 00:07:40,733 --> 00:07:43,165 Well, then, why are you in a bar? Eat shit, that's why. 139 00:07:43,233 --> 00:07:46,365 Dickhead. Look, look. I think we all got off on the wrong foot here. 140 00:07:46,433 --> 00:07:49,398 Yeah, well, you got that right. We're sorry, okay? 141 00:07:49,467 --> 00:07:52,465 All right. Me too. Look, I'm Mike, and this is Harry. 142 00:07:52,534 --> 00:07:55,366 Sarah Jessica Parker. 143 00:08:01,934 --> 00:08:05,532 ♪♪ [ Bouncy Pop ] Hello, and welcome back to Name That Animal Penis. 144 00:08:05,601 --> 00:08:07,765 I'm here with our reigning champion, Kevin Biggins, 145 00:08:07,834 --> 00:08:10,232 who has advanced to the Glory Hole Round-- 146 00:08:10,300 --> 00:08:14,599 which means we're gonna stick a live animal's penis through that hole over there, 147 00:08:14,667 --> 00:08:17,266 and if you can guess what type of animal it belongs to, 148 00:08:17,335 --> 00:08:20,098 you're gonna win $100,000. 149 00:08:20,167 --> 00:08:22,898 Are you ready? I'm ready to name that animal penis, Bob. 150 00:08:22,967 --> 00:08:26,199 All right, then let's fill that glory hole. 151 00:08:27,900 --> 00:08:29,932 - [ Audience ] Ooh! - Wow! 152 00:08:30,001 --> 00:08:32,899 That sure is an animal penis. I can smell it from here. 153 00:08:32,968 --> 00:08:34,999 Are you ready to identify it? 154 00:08:35,068 --> 00:08:38,598 [ Exhales ] Man, I-I don't know. Talk it out. 155 00:08:38,667 --> 00:08:41,565 Well, it looks like some kind of large jungle cat, 156 00:08:41,633 --> 00:08:44,366 but I'm-- I'm not really sure. You still have a lifeline. 157 00:08:44,435 --> 00:08:47,299 Would you like to use it? Yeah. I'm gonna call my dad. 158 00:08:47,368 --> 00:08:49,765 [ Phone Beeping ] Good luck. You have 30 seconds. 159 00:08:49,834 --> 00:08:51,765 [ Line Ringing ] 160 00:08:51,833 --> 00:08:53,765 [ Man ] Hello. Dad, it's Kevin. 161 00:08:53,833 --> 00:08:55,765 What kind of animal's penis is brown and purple, 162 00:08:55,833 --> 00:08:57,865 about a foot and a half, and really veiny? 163 00:08:57,934 --> 00:09:01,432 What? Where are you? No time, Dad. I just need to know about the penis. 164 00:09:01,500 --> 00:09:04,131 It has a very strong, kind of burnt-smelling odor. 165 00:09:04,200 --> 00:09:06,131 Kevin, it is the middle of the night. 166 00:09:06,200 --> 00:09:09,765 [ Woman ] Michael, who is that? [ Man ] It's Kevin. He's asking about animal penises. 167 00:09:09,833 --> 00:09:13,165 [ Woman ] What? Why? Dad, I really need to know about this penis. 168 00:09:13,233 --> 00:09:16,898 I-It looks like a panther's, but the fur is too light, and the balls are just huge. 169 00:09:16,967 --> 00:09:18,898 [ Woman ] What? [ Man ] Kevin, you're upsetting your mother. 170 00:09:18,967 --> 00:09:21,131 Linda, calm down. [ Woman Sobbing ] 171 00:09:21,200 --> 00:09:23,198 [ Buzzer Buzzing ] 172 00:09:23,267 --> 00:09:26,765 [ Woman Wailing ] [ Click, Dial Tone ] 173 00:09:26,834 --> 00:09:29,331 That wasn't much help. No, not really. I'm still stumped. 174 00:09:29,400 --> 00:09:32,366 - Would you care to take a guess? - Uh-- 175 00:09:32,434 --> 00:09:34,931 Is it a mountain lion? 176 00:09:35,000 --> 00:09:37,365 - Yes! - Wha-- Are you serious? 177 00:09:37,433 --> 00:09:39,465 [ Audience Applauding ] That was a total shot in the dark. 178 00:09:39,534 --> 00:09:42,632 Congratulations, Kevin. You've won 100,000 dick dollars... 179 00:09:42,701 --> 00:09:45,299 and a chance to go for one million. 180 00:09:45,367 --> 00:09:47,699 Are you ready for the bonus round? Absolutely. 181 00:09:47,767 --> 00:09:50,732 All right, Kevin, name that animal penis. 182 00:09:50,801 --> 00:09:52,731 [ Imitating Kermit The Frog ] Uh, can we hurry this along, please? 183 00:09:52,800 --> 00:09:54,732 I have a plane to catch. 184 00:10:04,400 --> 00:10:06,898 Meep, meep! 185 00:10:18,134 --> 00:10:20,332 [ Vocalizing ] 186 00:10:20,401 --> 00:10:22,832 Holy shit. I did it. 187 00:10:22,900 --> 00:10:26,199 He's under there. I got him. I fuckin' got him. 188 00:10:28,167 --> 00:10:30,099 Jesus. I'm gonna need a shovel. 189 00:10:31,534 --> 00:10:33,465 Mmm! Oh, this is delicious. 190 00:10:33,534 --> 00:10:36,398 I-I mean, it-- You know, it's, like, when you work for your meal-- 191 00:10:36,467 --> 00:10:39,299 when you really work for it-- it just tastes that much better, you know? 192 00:10:39,367 --> 00:10:41,565 So, what are you gonna do now? 193 00:10:41,634 --> 00:10:44,765 Huh. Never really thought about it. 194 00:10:44,834 --> 00:10:46,832 Been chasin' this damn bird for 20 years. 195 00:10:46,900 --> 00:10:49,165 I-- Not really trained for anything else. 196 00:10:49,234 --> 00:10:51,965 I guess I kind of let my life get away from me. 197 00:10:52,034 --> 00:10:54,699 [ Chuckles ] Well, I'm sure something'll turn up. 198 00:11:01,067 --> 00:11:03,331 [ TV: Gunshots, Men Whooping ] 199 00:11:11,401 --> 00:11:14,266 Okay, uh, that's a pastrami on rye, a pasta salad, 200 00:11:14,335 --> 00:11:17,232 uh, two Diet Cokes-- No, no, no. It was one Coke and one Diet Coke. 201 00:11:17,301 --> 00:11:19,232 Oh, God. I'm sorry. We've been waiting an hour. 202 00:11:19,301 --> 00:11:21,699 I know. I'm sorry. I-- What the hell kind of place is this? 203 00:11:21,767 --> 00:11:23,699 I'm sorry! Goddamn it, I'm sorry! All right? 204 00:11:23,767 --> 00:11:26,632 I'm just havin' some fuckin' identity issues right now, 205 00:11:26,701 --> 00:11:28,632 and I-- I can't think straight, and I-- 206 00:11:28,701 --> 00:11:32,165 Just get off my back, because you don't know what it's like. 207 00:11:32,234 --> 00:11:34,266 Wile E., you're fired. 208 00:11:42,401 --> 00:11:45,099 Mom and Dad, fuckin' forgive me for this. 209 00:11:50,901 --> 00:11:53,233 And then, all of a sudden it hit me-- 210 00:11:53,301 --> 00:11:55,233 I knew who I wanted to be. 211 00:11:55,301 --> 00:11:57,932 And I untied myself from that catapult, and here I am. 212 00:11:58,001 --> 00:12:00,299 Well, that is such a relief. I know, I know. 213 00:12:00,367 --> 00:12:04,199 So if you have about 45 minutes, I'd like to talk to you about the Lord Jesus Christ. 214 00:12:04,268 --> 00:12:06,199 Oh, shit. 215 00:12:11,767 --> 00:12:16,464 Oh. Oh. Oh. 216 00:12:16,533 --> 00:12:18,765 Oh. Oh, oh-- 217 00:12:18,834 --> 00:12:22,698 Oh! [ Chuckles ] Thank you. 218 00:12:25,267 --> 00:12:30,398 ♪♪ [ Breezy Folk Beat ] ♪ The sky is lookin' oh, so blue ♪ 219 00:12:30,467 --> 00:12:34,065 ♪ And all of nature seems so new ♪ 220 00:12:34,134 --> 00:12:37,699 ♪ The sun is shinin' bright And everything's all right ♪ 221 00:12:37,767 --> 00:12:40,965 ♪ 'Cause I just came inside of you ♪♪ 222 00:12:47,801 --> 00:12:50,132 Ow! Hey, you're not a dead body. 223 00:12:50,200 --> 00:12:52,698 No, I'm Helena Bonham Carter. Oh. 224 00:12:52,767 --> 00:12:55,266 Yeah, it's an honest mistake. Happens all the time. 225 00:12:57,834 --> 00:13:00,866 Ow. God, this is incredibly uncomfortable. 226 00:13:00,934 --> 00:13:04,065 Hup! Okay, I did not agree to a threesome. 227 00:13:04,134 --> 00:13:06,099 Hup! 228 00:13:15,467 --> 00:13:18,232 I'm gonna get in shape-- 229 00:13:18,300 --> 00:13:20,798 But not today! [ Laughs ] 230 00:13:20,867 --> 00:13:23,366 I'm gonna go get a sandwich instead. 231 00:13:30,768 --> 00:13:33,665 Sir Gallant, I have summoned you here today... 232 00:13:33,734 --> 00:13:36,732 to ask you to serve your king and country. 233 00:13:36,801 --> 00:13:39,832 The dragon that has been wreaking havoc throughout this land... 234 00:13:39,901 --> 00:13:42,732 must be stopped. Yeah? 235 00:13:42,801 --> 00:13:45,999 And you must slay this ferocious beast. 236 00:13:46,068 --> 00:13:47,999 Fuck, no! What? 237 00:13:48,068 --> 00:13:51,231 No way. That's, like, crazy shit you're talking right there, King. 238 00:13:51,300 --> 00:13:54,965 But, Sir Gallant, the dragon is destroying our land. 239 00:13:55,034 --> 00:13:56,965 Yeah, gee, no shit. I wonder why. 240 00:13:57,034 --> 00:14:00,398 Oh, maybe it's because it's fucking huge and breathes all, like, fire and shit. 241 00:14:00,466 --> 00:14:03,198 Yeah, that might have something to do with it. You must do this. 242 00:14:03,266 --> 00:14:05,631 It is your duty. Fuck off. You do it. 243 00:14:05,701 --> 00:14:07,699 Well, I can't. 244 00:14:07,767 --> 00:14:09,765 Oh, well, then he who lives in a glass house-- Bla-ba-dee-bla. 245 00:14:09,834 --> 00:14:11,498 You're fuckin' high if you think I'm gonna-- 246 00:14:11,567 --> 00:14:14,765 Uh, hey. Hi there. Oh, my God, there he is! 247 00:14:14,833 --> 00:14:18,265 Uh, yeah. Um, I couldn't help overhearing your conversation, 248 00:14:18,333 --> 00:14:20,265 and I feel somewhat responsible. 249 00:14:20,333 --> 00:14:22,465 You are, you little rat fuck. 250 00:14:22,534 --> 00:14:25,265 Mmm! Bop you on the nose there. Ow. 251 00:14:25,333 --> 00:14:28,465 Um, but listen. If I'm really causing all this trouble, 252 00:14:28,534 --> 00:14:30,465 I'm just gonna split. 253 00:14:30,534 --> 00:14:32,565 You would spare our kingdom? 254 00:14:32,633 --> 00:14:35,365 Yeah. I-- I just don't feel super comfortable... 255 00:14:35,434 --> 00:14:37,598 being the cause of all this internal confrontation. 256 00:14:37,667 --> 00:14:39,598 Well, there you go. Yeah. 257 00:14:39,667 --> 00:14:41,665 Well, this all worked itself out, huh? Yeah. 258 00:14:41,733 --> 00:14:43,932 So I'm gonna go wreck some other kingdom. Do it! 259 00:14:44,000 --> 00:14:47,698 Okay. Well, then, we are saved! 260 00:14:47,767 --> 00:14:51,165 ♪ Everybody dance now ♪ ♪♪ [ Vocalizes ] 261 00:14:51,233 --> 00:14:53,198 Hey, you, do this! 262 00:15:01,767 --> 00:15:03,798 Fuck, yeah. Smoke pot, kids! 263 00:15:03,867 --> 00:15:06,832 Do your homework, too, but when you're done, smoke pot and listen to music. 264 00:15:06,900 --> 00:15:08,965 Use headphones if you got 'em. 265 00:15:09,034 --> 00:15:11,966 Make sure to keep a pen and pad by your bed to write down all your thoughts. 266 00:15:12,034 --> 00:15:13,965 You might surprise yourself. 267 00:15:14,034 --> 00:15:17,499 And don't be lazy and just repeat 'em over and over in your head. Write 'em down! 268 00:15:17,567 --> 00:15:19,999 You'll forget that shit in the morning. It'll piss you right off. 269 00:15:20,067 --> 00:15:23,365 Oh, also, you should get a summer job. Mow lawns-- Something outside. 270 00:15:23,434 --> 00:15:26,665 If for no other reason than to get your parents off your back. Am I right? 271 00:15:26,733 --> 00:15:28,798 Okay, get outta here, you rascals. 272 00:15:28,867 --> 00:15:30,799 Go find some pot. 273 00:15:41,068 --> 00:15:44,765 [ Man Grunting ] [ Farts ] 274 00:15:44,834 --> 00:15:46,765 [ Farts ] 275 00:15:46,834 --> 00:15:48,765 Oh-- [ Splash ] 276 00:15:48,834 --> 00:15:51,132 [ Chuckles ] 277 00:15:51,200 --> 00:15:53,698 [ Grunting ] [ Farts ] 278 00:15:53,767 --> 00:15:56,365 [ Farts ] 279 00:15:56,434 --> 00:15:59,065 Oh-- [ Splash ] 280 00:15:59,134 --> 00:16:01,598 [ Chuckles ] 281 00:16:01,667 --> 00:16:04,232 [ Grunting ] [ Farts ] 282 00:16:04,300 --> 00:16:06,465 [ Farts ] Jesus Christ. 283 00:16:06,534 --> 00:16:08,465 [ Farts ] [ Groans ] 284 00:16:08,534 --> 00:16:10,798 Oh, geez. [ Splash ] 285 00:16:10,867 --> 00:16:13,565 [ Chuckles ] 286 00:16:13,634 --> 00:16:16,899 [ Grunting, Groaning ] [ Farts ] 287 00:16:16,967 --> 00:16:19,065 [ Farts ] [ Mutters ] 288 00:16:19,134 --> 00:16:21,132 Oh, geez. 289 00:16:21,200 --> 00:16:23,832 [ Grunts ] 290 00:16:23,901 --> 00:16:25,832 Oh, yeah. [ Splash ] 291 00:16:25,901 --> 00:16:28,032 [ Chuckles ] 292 00:16:28,100 --> 00:16:31,032 [ Grunting ] [ Farts ] 293 00:16:33,300 --> 00:16:35,232 Ooh-- [ Farts ] 294 00:16:35,300 --> 00:16:37,432 [ Muttering ] [ Squishing ] 295 00:16:37,501 --> 00:16:39,432 [ Splash ] 296 00:16:39,501 --> 00:16:43,366 Oh, boy. [ Chuckles ] 297 00:16:50,934 --> 00:16:52,965 All right, Steve, Fido-- 298 00:16:53,034 --> 00:16:55,799 Your category is "Things you find in the kitchen." 299 00:16:55,868 --> 00:16:58,865 Fido, you'll be giving the clues. You have one minute. 300 00:16:58,934 --> 00:17:01,865 Go. [ Barking ] 301 00:17:01,934 --> 00:17:04,899 Uh, oven. Silverware. [ Barking Continues ] 302 00:17:04,967 --> 00:17:06,999 Uh, cereal. Refrigerator. 303 00:17:07,068 --> 00:17:09,464 Pantry. Salt. Muffin. 304 00:17:09,533 --> 00:17:11,464 Baking tray. Uh, phone. 305 00:17:11,533 --> 00:17:15,699 Apple. Toaster. Napkin. Ice cube. Dishes. [ Buzzer Buzzes ] 306 00:17:15,767 --> 00:17:17,698 [ Audience Groans ] I'm sorry. You're out of time. 307 00:17:17,767 --> 00:17:20,165 It was blender, you asshole. Blender! 308 00:17:20,234 --> 00:17:22,366 Dumb-ass. 309 00:17:29,934 --> 00:17:31,932 [ Beep ] ♪♪ [ Electronic ] 310 00:17:40,134 --> 00:17:44,965 Mario, you did it! I'm saved. Thank you. Thank you so much. 311 00:17:45,034 --> 00:17:48,198 [ With Italian Accent ] Yes, Princess, you are free. Your nightmare is over. 312 00:17:48,267 --> 00:17:52,099 Oh, I'm so happy. Yes, yes. How about a kiss? 313 00:17:52,167 --> 00:17:55,398 What? I say, how about a kiss, yes? 314 00:17:55,467 --> 00:17:57,565 Wh-- Why would I do that? 315 00:17:57,634 --> 00:18:01,065 Wh-- Why would you-- I just saved your life. 316 00:18:01,134 --> 00:18:04,065 Yeah, but I-- I don't even know you. 317 00:18:04,134 --> 00:18:07,432 I rescued you. Yeah, but you expect-- 318 00:18:07,501 --> 00:18:09,599 What-What kind of Samaritan are you? 319 00:18:09,667 --> 00:18:11,999 You rescued me just so you could get with me? 320 00:18:12,067 --> 00:18:15,298 Jesus Christ, I'm not asking you to suck my dick. All I want is a kiss. 321 00:18:15,367 --> 00:18:17,398 D-Do you know what I went through to get here? 322 00:18:17,467 --> 00:18:20,698 Ooh. You leaped a bunch of mushrooms. I'm so impressed. 323 00:18:20,767 --> 00:18:22,732 Well, you're the one who got captured by mushrooms. 324 00:18:22,800 --> 00:18:24,865 How the fuck does that even happen? Don't turn this around. 325 00:18:24,934 --> 00:18:28,198 Don't flip this. You got kidnapped by something that goes on a salad. 326 00:18:28,267 --> 00:18:30,665 Okay, it's a little more complicated-- And by the way-- 327 00:18:30,734 --> 00:18:34,399 By the way, I did not just leap a bunch of mushrooms. 328 00:18:34,467 --> 00:18:36,632 There were also these turtle-shell things I had to jump over, 329 00:18:36,700 --> 00:18:38,632 and that was-- that was really hard. 330 00:18:38,700 --> 00:18:40,798 And the only help I got was, every once in a while... 331 00:18:40,867 --> 00:18:44,399 a gold star would appear up above me, and I would jump up and touch it, and it would go-- 332 00:18:44,467 --> 00:18:46,765 ♪♪ [ Scatting ] 333 00:18:46,834 --> 00:18:50,298 And that would help a little bit, and I'd feel a little better, but it was hard. 334 00:18:50,367 --> 00:18:53,098 I mean, the whole thing was really hard. 335 00:18:53,167 --> 00:18:55,399 I'm not kissing you. Okay, fuck this. Fuck it. 336 00:18:55,467 --> 00:18:57,765 Hey, dragon. You can have her. 337 00:19:08,334 --> 00:19:10,464 Michael, this isn't going to be easy, 338 00:19:10,533 --> 00:19:14,731 but you're a grown man now, and your mother and I feel you deserve to know the truth. 339 00:19:14,801 --> 00:19:19,799 I don't understand, Dad. Michael, you're not our biological son. 340 00:19:19,867 --> 00:19:23,099 Wh-What? You were adopted. 341 00:19:23,168 --> 00:19:25,564 Oh, my-- Oh, my God. 342 00:19:25,633 --> 00:19:28,531 Your mother and I felt it was wrong to conceive a new child... 343 00:19:28,600 --> 00:19:30,865 with so many unwanted children in the world already. 344 00:19:30,934 --> 00:19:33,132 Oh, baby, we're sorry we didn't tell you sooner. 345 00:19:33,201 --> 00:19:37,232 We just-- We wanted to wait until you were mature and able to handle the knowledge. 346 00:19:37,300 --> 00:19:40,398 Oh, my gosh. My head is spinning. 347 00:19:40,466 --> 00:19:43,132 To be honest, we were always afraid you'd figure it out for yourself, 348 00:19:43,201 --> 00:19:45,132 based on little, obvious things. 349 00:19:45,201 --> 00:19:48,531 I mean, we all have such dark hair, and your hair is blond. 350 00:19:48,600 --> 00:19:51,099 The rest of the family has brown eyes, and yours are blue. 351 00:19:51,168 --> 00:19:54,199 And there's your fair complexion-- I mean, none of us have freckles like you do. 352 00:19:54,268 --> 00:19:57,099 That's right. And you're a good deal taller than either your mother or I, 353 00:19:57,168 --> 00:20:00,832 and your nipples don't stick out five feet in front of you like the rest of the family. 354 00:20:00,901 --> 00:20:03,832 But we always loved you as if you were our very own, 355 00:20:03,901 --> 00:20:07,598 and we still do, Michael. Actually, that's another thing-- your name. 356 00:20:07,667 --> 00:20:11,531 Wh-What about my name? Your real name isn't Michael Sticknipples. 357 00:20:11,600 --> 00:20:16,099 I-It's not? No. Your birth name is Albert Shitsneeze. 358 00:20:16,168 --> 00:20:19,531 This is so much to process. I know. I know it is, dear. 359 00:20:19,600 --> 00:20:21,531 We understand if you're upset with us. 360 00:20:21,600 --> 00:20:25,032 No, I'm not. I mean-- Well, I don't know. Maybe a little. 361 00:20:25,101 --> 00:20:27,565 I-I just-- I don't really understand-- 362 00:20:27,633 --> 00:20:29,565 [ Sneezes ] 363 00:20:29,633 --> 00:20:32,865 I don't understand why you felt like I wouldn't be able to handle this. 364 00:20:32,934 --> 00:20:36,066 I mean, I love you guys. You raised me. 365 00:20:36,134 --> 00:20:38,699 As far as I'm concerned, you're my parents. 366 00:20:38,767 --> 00:20:41,398 Oh, Albert, we love you too. 367 00:20:41,466 --> 00:20:43,398 Do I have a middle name? 368 00:20:43,466 --> 00:20:45,732 Yes. You're Albert Horsefeet Shitsneeze. 369 00:20:45,801 --> 00:20:48,166 [ Whinnies ] 370 00:20:56,234 --> 00:20:58,531 Hey, you know, bein' out on this ocean reminds me... 371 00:20:58,600 --> 00:21:00,698 of when we were filming, uh, U-571. 372 00:21:00,767 --> 00:21:02,698 You familiar with that picture? It's a submarine picture. 373 00:21:02,767 --> 00:21:04,999 I spent a lot of time in the water for that. 374 00:21:05,067 --> 00:21:07,099 You know, I also made a movie called Fool's Gold. 375 00:21:07,167 --> 00:21:09,099 Me and, uh, Kate Hudson. 376 00:21:09,167 --> 00:21:11,465 We had a contest to see who could get more tan. 377 00:21:11,534 --> 00:21:14,365 I won, of course, but still, it was a great contest. 378 00:21:14,434 --> 00:21:17,065 You know, the last time I was on water in a ship scenario, 379 00:21:17,134 --> 00:21:20,465 I was makin', uh, a little picture by a man named Steven Spielberg. 380 00:21:20,534 --> 00:21:22,765 Up-and-coming director. You might have heard of him. 381 00:21:22,834 --> 00:21:25,665 It was a film called Amistad. A historical picture. 382 00:21:25,734 --> 00:21:27,665 Flexed my acting chops, as it were. 383 00:21:27,734 --> 00:21:29,665 Not quite the way I did in We Are Marshall. 384 00:21:29,734 --> 00:21:31,965 Did you see that face I made? It was like-- [ Growling ] 385 00:21:32,034 --> 00:21:35,198 I was makin' faces like a real guy. There was a guy-- [ Laughs ] 386 00:21:35,267 --> 00:21:39,532 He really looked like that, so I thought I'd impersonate him in the face, and-- 387 00:21:39,601 --> 00:21:41,532 I'm just such a good actor. 388 00:21:41,601 --> 00:21:44,232 Ah. If that's what you need to do, friend, to keep yourself alive, 389 00:21:44,300 --> 00:21:46,232 you-- you can take the meat of my body. 390 00:21:46,300 --> 00:21:50,732 I'll be Christlike on you. You can taste of my body, and drink my blood. 391 00:21:50,800 --> 00:21:52,899 You know, the best thing about having one leg... 392 00:21:52,967 --> 00:21:55,298 is probably all the cinematic opportunities for me. 393 00:21:55,367 --> 00:21:57,298 I'm more of a character actor. 394 00:21:57,367 --> 00:21:59,298 Everybody always heralds me as a beautiful man. 395 00:21:59,367 --> 00:22:02,365 They say, "Oh, Matt, your body. Oh, Matt, your glorious face-- 396 00:22:02,434 --> 00:22:05,632 "Your physique, your flowin' hair, your gigantic penis, 397 00:22:05,700 --> 00:22:08,098 your fantastic ass," you know. 398 00:22:08,167 --> 00:22:10,399 I want people to look at me more as a character-- 399 00:22:10,467 --> 00:22:14,132 Sort of like Jerod Leto doin' that Mark David Chapman role he put on all that weight for. 400 00:22:14,200 --> 00:22:16,132 That was impressive. Pretty boy. 401 00:22:16,200 --> 00:22:18,899 Oh! That is probably a near-fatal wound. 402 00:22:18,967 --> 00:22:21,298 That's the kind of thing a person would bleed out from. 403 00:22:21,367 --> 00:22:23,298 You know, in the obit, it would probably say, 404 00:22:23,367 --> 00:22:26,432 "Handsome movie star/hunk Matthew McConaughey... 405 00:22:26,501 --> 00:22:29,865 "died of a fatal stab wound that barely was able to pierce... 406 00:22:29,934 --> 00:22:32,432 his metal-like abdominal muscles." 407 00:22:32,501 --> 00:22:34,565 The nice thing is, I imagine that at my funeral... 408 00:22:34,634 --> 00:22:37,065 they will talk about me in reverence. 409 00:22:37,134 --> 00:22:39,832 My memorial service, they'll go over all my great works, 410 00:22:39,901 --> 00:22:41,832 starting at Dazed and Confused... 411 00:22:41,901 --> 00:22:45,399 and runnin' right up to Sahara-- 412 00:22:45,467 --> 00:22:48,665 All the wonderful things I've done in my life. Be a good time. 413 00:22:48,734 --> 00:22:51,565 I wish I could be there, 'cause that's a story I'd like to hear-- 414 00:22:51,634 --> 00:22:54,399 The story of Matthew McCona-- [ Exhales ] 415 00:23:03,467 --> 00:23:05,565 [ Brakes Squeal ] 416 00:23:05,634 --> 00:23:07,799 [ With Thick Accent ] Hey, ladies, you like nightclub? 417 00:23:07,868 --> 00:23:10,932 We go to nightclub. Buy champagne. Drink from bottle. 418 00:23:11,001 --> 00:23:13,832 Just get in sports car. Yeah, get in sports car. 419 00:23:13,901 --> 00:23:16,599 Uh, no, thanks, guys. Okay, okay. What you like then? 420 00:23:16,667 --> 00:23:20,232 Puppies? We buy puppies. Walk them in the park. Buy them puppy snacks. 421 00:23:20,301 --> 00:23:22,699 Just get in sports car. Yeah, get in sports car. 422 00:23:22,767 --> 00:23:25,165 Seriously, we're not interested. Okay, okay. 423 00:23:25,234 --> 00:23:27,299 What you like then? Indigo Girls? 424 00:23:27,368 --> 00:23:32,065 We go see Indigo Girls. Sing along with chorus. Hold hands with lesbians. 425 00:23:32,134 --> 00:23:34,399 Just get in sports car. Yeah, get in sports car. 426 00:23:34,468 --> 00:23:36,732 Look, we're not getting in your sports car. 427 00:23:36,801 --> 00:23:39,032 Now leave us alone. 428 00:23:39,101 --> 00:23:41,532 Ahmed, look! 429 00:23:41,600 --> 00:23:45,665 All right, this time we use other plan, okay? Okay. 430 00:23:46,667 --> 00:23:48,866 Hey, ladies, you like mouth sex? 431 00:23:48,934 --> 00:23:50,899 We rent limo. Yeah, we rent limo. 432 00:23:50,968 --> 00:23:53,631 You do mouth sex in limo and we play radio loud. 433 00:23:53,700 --> 00:23:57,066 All these things happen. Just get in sports car. Yeah, get in sports car. 434 00:23:59,234 --> 00:24:01,166 [ With American Accent ] You know, these accents aren't helping. 435 00:24:01,233 --> 00:24:03,565 Yeah, let's just use our real voices from now on. Yeah. 436 00:24:12,134 --> 00:24:14,598 Hey, honey, check it out-- I got this bag of rocks, 437 00:24:14,667 --> 00:24:16,698 and when that jerk Louis from next door... 438 00:24:16,767 --> 00:24:18,698 comes walkin' by on his way home from work, 439 00:24:18,767 --> 00:24:21,298 I'm gonna peg the shit out of him. Well, all right, dear. 440 00:24:21,367 --> 00:24:23,431 Whatever you think is best. 441 00:24:29,634 --> 00:24:32,265 Aaah! What the hell! Ha, ha! Yeah. 442 00:24:32,334 --> 00:24:35,465 Martin, what the hell is wrong with you? Why'd you do that? 443 00:24:35,534 --> 00:24:38,699 That's for letting your dog take a dump on my lawn last week, asshole. 444 00:24:38,767 --> 00:24:40,699 Aaah! Ow! Jesus. 445 00:24:40,767 --> 00:24:44,065 You know, Martin, he who lives in a glass house shouldn't throw stones. 446 00:24:44,134 --> 00:24:45,632 Oh, yeah? Yeah. 447 00:24:45,701 --> 00:24:47,665 Oh, well, how about he who lives in a glass house... 448 00:24:47,734 --> 00:24:49,998 with a machine gun turret on the roof? 449 00:24:50,067 --> 00:24:52,632 That's right, man, he who lives in a glass house... 450 00:24:52,701 --> 00:24:54,732 with a fucking machine gun turret on the roof... 451 00:24:54,801 --> 00:24:57,265 can pretty much throw all the goddamn stones he wants. 452 00:24:57,334 --> 00:24:59,365 When-- When the hell did you install that? 453 00:24:59,434 --> 00:25:01,465 I got a cousin who just got back from Iraq. 454 00:25:01,534 --> 00:25:03,565 He put this up for me. Oh, my God. 455 00:25:03,634 --> 00:25:07,398 Hey, let me ask you something. Why shouldn't he who lives in a glass house throw stones? 456 00:25:07,467 --> 00:25:11,232 Well, because people can throw stones back at him, and then destroy his house. 457 00:25:11,300 --> 00:25:13,298 Oh. Yeah, I guess that makes sense. 458 00:25:13,367 --> 00:25:16,198 I can see why he who lives in a glass house should be cautious-- 459 00:25:16,267 --> 00:25:18,298 You know, except if he lives in a glass house... 460 00:25:18,367 --> 00:25:20,398 that has a fucking machine gun turret on the roof. 461 00:25:20,467 --> 00:25:22,898 Uh, well, yeah. I guess that would-- That would be an exception. 462 00:25:22,967 --> 00:25:24,898 Yeah, you know it, shit-ass. 463 00:25:24,967 --> 00:25:27,099 All right now, I think it's time for you to keep movin'. 464 00:25:27,167 --> 00:25:29,198 Is the city okay with you having-- [ Machine Gun Fire ] 465 00:25:29,267 --> 00:25:31,199 [ Screaming ] 466 00:25:31,268 --> 00:25:33,232 Yeah, that's right, man. 467 00:25:33,300 --> 00:25:35,465 All your glass-house preconceptions went to shit... 468 00:25:35,534 --> 00:25:37,465 'cause of the fuckin' machine gun turret. 469 00:25:37,534 --> 00:25:39,865 Next time you're gonna-- 470 00:25:50,067 --> 00:25:52,065 Was it good for you? Yes. 471 00:25:52,134 --> 00:25:54,832 Good. You better not be pregnant. 472 00:25:57,401 --> 00:26:00,199 Yes! Oh, baby! That's the spot. 473 00:26:00,268 --> 00:26:04,465 Yes! Oh, yes! I was the parrot from Aladdin. 474 00:26:04,533 --> 00:26:06,465 I'm sorry, Gilbert. I can't do this. 475 00:26:06,534 --> 00:26:08,565 Why? Is it because of my voice? 476 00:26:08,634 --> 00:26:10,632 No. It's because you're, like, 4'8", 477 00:26:10,700 --> 00:26:13,499 and you always look like somebody just squirted lemon juice in your eyes. 478 00:26:13,567 --> 00:26:16,564 I have a herniated cornea. 479 00:26:24,501 --> 00:26:26,432 [ With Cockney Accent ] Keep at it, love. 480 00:26:26,501 --> 00:26:28,698 I'll make you orgasm in a jiffy, I will. 481 00:26:33,900 --> 00:26:36,199 [ Machinery Whirring ] Almost. Oh, God. 482 00:26:36,268 --> 00:26:38,365 Oh, God. I'm gonna-- [ Groans ] 483 00:26:38,434 --> 00:26:40,366 [ Horn Honks ] 484 00:26:47,435 --> 00:26:50,032 [ Indistinct Conversations ] 485 00:26:50,100 --> 00:26:53,099 Sorry I'm late-- Fucking traffic on the P.C.H. 486 00:26:53,168 --> 00:26:55,098 Where's the kid? Where's the fuckin' kid? 487 00:26:55,167 --> 00:26:57,099 Um, he's right here. Great. 488 00:26:57,168 --> 00:26:59,265 You better fucking hold that kid still. 489 00:26:59,333 --> 00:27:02,231 Whoa, whoa. You're gonna circumcise my son with that? 490 00:27:02,300 --> 00:27:04,865 Mister, this is a Hatori Hanzo sword, okay? 491 00:27:04,933 --> 00:27:07,565 There are only, like, five of them in the whole fucking world, okay? 492 00:27:07,634 --> 00:27:11,532 I'd cut my own dick off with this sword, okay? Now stand the fuck back. 493 00:27:12,600 --> 00:27:14,965 [ Baby Crying ] 494 00:27:17,133 --> 00:27:19,598 Quiet, kid. You sound like Uma Thurman-- 495 00:27:19,667 --> 00:27:21,599 "Why doesn't my character have a name? 496 00:27:21,667 --> 00:27:23,599 Why is she just called 'The Bride'?" 497 00:27:23,667 --> 00:27:26,698 Holy shit, Uma. That's who the fuck she is, okay? 498 00:27:26,767 --> 00:27:29,531 When Bill killed her husband and her baby and her whole fucking family, 499 00:27:29,600 --> 00:27:31,532 he killed her identity, okay? 500 00:27:31,600 --> 00:27:34,565 Maybe if you pulled Ethan Hawke's dick out of your ear for two seconds-- 501 00:27:34,634 --> 00:27:37,066 Okay? And listened to what the fuck I'm saying to you-- 502 00:27:37,134 --> 00:27:41,498 Why on earth would they hire Quentin Tarantino to perform a circumcision? 503 00:27:41,567 --> 00:27:43,498 Jon Stewart was unavailable. 504 00:27:43,567 --> 00:27:47,198 There. All done, okay? Your kid's a fucking super Jew, okay? 505 00:27:47,267 --> 00:27:49,232 All right, now who wants the foreskin? 506 00:27:49,301 --> 00:27:51,832 Hey, Quentin, I thought I heard somebody giving away some foreskin. 507 00:27:51,901 --> 00:27:53,831 Me-- I'll take it. 508 00:28:01,401 --> 00:28:04,066 ♪♪ [ Techno ] 509 00:28:04,134 --> 00:28:06,565 Whoa, whoa, whoa. Uh-uh, bro. Can't let you in. 510 00:28:06,634 --> 00:28:09,132 What? Why not? This is Les Deux. 511 00:28:09,201 --> 00:28:12,498 This is a very exclusive club. Look, we'll buy drinks. 512 00:28:12,567 --> 00:28:15,732 No. Sorry, bro. 513 00:28:15,801 --> 00:28:19,432 Hey, what the hell? Yeah, what the hell was that? Why'd they get to go in? 514 00:28:19,501 --> 00:28:21,832 Because they're chicks. You got any chicks with you? 515 00:28:21,900 --> 00:28:25,699 Uh, our wives are at home. Yeah. This is sort of a boys' night out. 516 00:28:25,767 --> 00:28:28,531 - Well, go party somewhere else, dude. - What? 517 00:28:28,600 --> 00:28:30,665 I said, go party somewhere else. 518 00:28:30,734 --> 00:28:33,431 Hey, what the fuck is your problem, dude? 519 00:28:33,500 --> 00:28:36,899 You. You're my problem. There's no way I'm lettin' you in here, asshole. 520 00:28:36,967 --> 00:28:38,965 This club is for hot, young, hip party people. 521 00:28:39,034 --> 00:28:41,231 We're hip. No, you're not. Look at you. 522 00:28:41,300 --> 00:28:44,598 You're the most out-of-date lookin' douche bags I've ever seen in my life. 523 00:28:44,667 --> 00:28:47,298 Wh-What are those? Fuckin' animal skins you're wearing? 524 00:28:47,366 --> 00:28:49,732 Well, look at what you're wearing, dickhead. 525 00:28:49,801 --> 00:28:53,166 Nice wool hat. Oh, and sunglasses at night. 526 00:28:53,233 --> 00:28:56,765 Yeah, that's not too fuckin' affected. Get out of here. 527 00:28:56,834 --> 00:28:59,066 [ Tinkling ] Hello, dumdums. 528 00:28:59,134 --> 00:29:01,598 [ Tinkling ] Oh, come on! 529 00:29:08,167 --> 00:29:11,232 Oh, thank you so much for helping us, Mr. Wizard. 530 00:29:11,300 --> 00:29:13,231 Not at all, my dear child. Not at all. 531 00:29:13,300 --> 00:29:15,598 Now, what is it you would like, Scarecrow? 532 00:29:15,667 --> 00:29:18,698 I'd like a brain. Well, I think we can arrange that. 533 00:29:20,134 --> 00:29:22,065 Here it is. Jesus! What-- 534 00:29:22,134 --> 00:29:24,365 Is that a human brain? Sure is. 535 00:29:24,433 --> 00:29:27,731 This was removed from a hospital patient who died of liver cancer. 536 00:29:27,800 --> 00:29:30,198 [ Chuckling ] He was a donor, so we really lucked out here. 537 00:29:30,267 --> 00:29:32,499 Now if you'll just make your way to the operating room, 538 00:29:32,567 --> 00:29:35,699 our team of surgeons will go ahead and begin the procedure. 539 00:29:35,767 --> 00:29:38,832 Now what can I do for you, Tin Man? I'd like a heart. 540 00:29:38,901 --> 00:29:41,333 All right. 541 00:29:41,400 --> 00:29:43,333 Aaah! Oh, my God. 542 00:29:43,400 --> 00:29:45,698 Yeah, look at that, eh? That's a human heart. 543 00:29:45,767 --> 00:29:48,066 No, it's not. This came out of a gibbous monkey. 544 00:29:48,134 --> 00:29:50,333 It was housed in an artificial habitat at the zoo, 545 00:29:50,400 --> 00:29:52,431 and turns out some kid climbed into the pen, 546 00:29:52,500 --> 00:29:56,232 the monkey ripped off both his arms and started eating them, so they had to shoot it. 547 00:29:56,300 --> 00:29:58,965 Managed to save the heart though. Should be relatively compatible. 548 00:29:59,034 --> 00:30:00,965 Very low risk of rejection, so if you're ready, 549 00:30:01,034 --> 00:30:03,166 the surgeons'll get started. 550 00:30:03,233 --> 00:30:05,166 All right, Lion, what is it you'd like? 551 00:30:05,233 --> 00:30:08,665 I'd like some courage. Okay. 552 00:30:08,734 --> 00:30:11,531 Ohh! Oh, ho! Yeah, it's a beauty, isn't it? 553 00:30:11,600 --> 00:30:14,732 Wholly undamaged, surgically extracted human spine. 554 00:30:14,801 --> 00:30:18,732 You'll be courageous as hell with this thing inside you. All set? 555 00:30:18,801 --> 00:30:22,432 Well, what about me, Mr. Wizard? Can you get me back to Kansas? 556 00:30:22,501 --> 00:30:24,466 No, that's gonna be a tall order, 557 00:30:24,534 --> 00:30:26,999 but what I can do is make Oz more like Kansas. 558 00:30:27,067 --> 00:30:29,399 I've abolished all scientific research of any kind, 559 00:30:29,468 --> 00:30:31,399 instituted mandatory Bible study... 560 00:30:31,468 --> 00:30:33,466 and church service attendance seven days a week, 561 00:30:33,534 --> 00:30:35,599 forbidden the teaching of evolution in public schools, 562 00:30:35,667 --> 00:30:38,099 and here's a baseball bat for you to beat this gay guy. 563 00:30:38,168 --> 00:30:40,099 Hi there. Well, go on, get to it. 564 00:30:40,168 --> 00:30:42,364 I'm not gonna beat myself-- Or maybe I am. 565 00:30:42,433 --> 00:30:44,731 Ooh! Welcome to Oz, bitch. 566 00:30:51,301 --> 00:30:53,665 Dad, today at school my teacher said... 567 00:30:53,733 --> 00:30:55,665 we evolved from other animals. 568 00:30:55,734 --> 00:30:57,932 That's not true, is it? Of course not, Stephen. 569 00:30:58,001 --> 00:31:00,798 We were created by Monkey God in his monkey image. 570 00:31:00,867 --> 00:31:02,899 But how do we know for sure God's a monkey? 571 00:31:02,968 --> 00:31:04,932 Well, do you think God throws his own poop... 572 00:31:05,001 --> 00:31:07,366 and enjoys jumping up and down in place? Yeah. 573 00:31:07,435 --> 00:31:09,365 And do you think when he's eating bananas, 574 00:31:09,434 --> 00:31:12,165 he periodically stops chewing and looks around with an angry expression... 575 00:31:12,234 --> 00:31:14,798 to make sure no one's plotting to steal them? Yeah. 576 00:31:14,868 --> 00:31:18,099 And do you think his ass is slightly less hairy than the rest of his body? 577 00:31:18,168 --> 00:31:20,365 Yeah. Then there's your answer, champ. 578 00:31:20,434 --> 00:31:23,298 Okay, but how do we know God really loves us? 579 00:31:23,367 --> 00:31:25,665 Because his son died for our sins. 580 00:31:25,734 --> 00:31:28,065 Monkey Jesus could have ripped off the Romans' arms... 581 00:31:28,134 --> 00:31:30,132 and masturbated all over their bodies, 582 00:31:30,200 --> 00:31:32,164 but he chose love instead, 583 00:31:32,233 --> 00:31:34,832 and I think that makes him pretty darn special. 584 00:31:34,901 --> 00:31:36,832 Cool. Thanks, Dad. 585 00:31:37,968 --> 00:31:40,598 How's our son doing? He's gonna be okay, Paula. 586 00:31:40,667 --> 00:31:43,199 He's gonna be okay. 587 00:31:49,767 --> 00:31:52,732 That's it. I can't live like this anymore, Jim. 588 00:31:52,801 --> 00:31:55,264 You keep putting up walls between us. 589 00:31:55,333 --> 00:31:58,765 I mean, why, Jim? Why do you do that? 590 00:31:58,834 --> 00:32:00,999 Oh, okay. Still have nothing to say? 591 00:32:01,068 --> 00:32:03,965 Here we go. Jim's famous silent treatment. Well, you know what? 592 00:32:04,034 --> 00:32:06,765 I'm not gonna put up with it anymore. I am done. 593 00:32:06,834 --> 00:32:08,765 Oh. And another thing. 594 00:32:08,834 --> 00:32:13,032 Don't offer me an apple unless you have an actual, physical apple in your hand. 595 00:32:13,100 --> 00:32:16,399 Fuck you, Jim! I'm leaving. 596 00:32:26,633 --> 00:32:29,365 Hey, baby. Sorry I'm late. 597 00:32:42,235 --> 00:32:44,165 Wow. That was-- Dirty? 598 00:32:44,234 --> 00:32:45,565 Yes. Degrading? 599 00:32:45,634 --> 00:32:48,065 Yeah. And did you like the spitting and the name-calling? 600 00:32:48,134 --> 00:32:51,099 Actually, I did. So-- Can I count on your vote this November? 601 00:32:51,167 --> 00:32:53,199 Yes. Yes, you can. 602 00:32:57,067 --> 00:32:59,431 [ Male Voice Moaning, Laughing ] 603 00:32:59,500 --> 00:33:02,264 Oh, yes! 604 00:33:02,333 --> 00:33:04,531 Oh! Whoa! 605 00:33:04,600 --> 00:33:07,099 Yes! Oh, God. Oh, God. 606 00:33:08,100 --> 00:33:11,832 [ Exhales ] Do you have any Gatorade? 607 00:33:14,401 --> 00:33:16,531 [ Man Grunting, Laughing ] 608 00:33:16,600 --> 00:33:19,866 Yeah. Yeah. Who's your daddy? 609 00:33:19,934 --> 00:33:22,766 You are, dumb-ass. You're grounded. 610 00:33:27,834 --> 00:33:30,065 Oh. You're-- Yeah, I've got a-- 611 00:33:30,134 --> 00:33:33,565 I've got an early meeting tomorrow. Oh. Okay. 612 00:33:33,634 --> 00:33:35,565 I'll call you. 613 00:33:35,634 --> 00:33:37,732 [ Door Opens, Closes ] Bye. 614 00:33:45,800 --> 00:33:47,731 Great show, Mr. Dylan. 615 00:33:47,801 --> 00:33:49,598 [ Mumbling ] 616 00:33:49,667 --> 00:33:51,598 Mr. Dylan, Tom Waits is here to see you. 617 00:33:51,667 --> 00:33:54,166 [ Both Mumbling ] 618 00:34:00,667 --> 00:34:02,832 [ Mumbling ] 619 00:34:28,501 --> 00:34:32,366 [ Mumbling ] 620 00:34:41,667 --> 00:34:45,865 [ Falsetto Voice Moaning ] 621 00:34:55,100 --> 00:34:59,032 Health officials have reported a new outbreak of mad cow disease, 622 00:34:59,100 --> 00:35:01,132 which has surfaced within the past four days, 623 00:35:01,200 --> 00:35:03,632 prompting a massive recall on all beef products... 624 00:35:03,701 --> 00:35:05,732 for the entire area. 625 00:35:05,801 --> 00:35:07,732 Mad cow disease occurs as a result... 626 00:35:07,801 --> 00:35:11,398 of cattle farmers using beef products to round out their cows' food. 627 00:35:11,467 --> 00:35:13,665 Consumption by cattle of beef products... 628 00:35:13,734 --> 00:35:15,865 causes an imbalance in body chemistry... 629 00:35:15,934 --> 00:35:19,099 which causes them to, in effect, go insane. 630 00:35:24,134 --> 00:35:26,932 Well, shit. 631 00:35:37,501 --> 00:35:40,799 Oh, don't go into that spaceship, you stupid bastards. 632 00:35:40,868 --> 00:35:43,399 Ricardo Montalban's in there, and he's got little bugs, 633 00:35:43,468 --> 00:35:46,299 and he's gonna put the bugs in your ears, and you're gonna go crazy. 634 00:35:46,368 --> 00:35:48,399 Oh, don't be stupid, you daft-- 635 00:35:48,467 --> 00:35:50,798 Oh, there's Ricardo Montalban with his bugs. 636 00:35:50,867 --> 00:35:53,898 Oh, you see? He's puttin' the bugs in your ears, and you're gonna go crazy. 637 00:35:53,968 --> 00:35:57,564 And you got no one to blame but yourself, 'cause you're not usin' your brain. 638 00:36:00,634 --> 00:36:04,398 Oh, Truman, how stupid can you be? They're filmin' ya. 639 00:36:04,467 --> 00:36:07,265 They're totally filmin' ya, and you don't even know about it. 640 00:36:07,334 --> 00:36:09,265 There's cameras all over the place. 641 00:36:09,334 --> 00:36:11,365 There's cameras in your house and cameras in your car, 642 00:36:11,434 --> 00:36:13,432 and there's even a camera in your shitter. 643 00:36:13,501 --> 00:36:15,532 In your shitter, for the love of God. 644 00:36:15,601 --> 00:36:19,565 Oh, you'd notice the cameras if you were usin' your brain, but you're not usin' your brain. 645 00:36:22,634 --> 00:36:26,165 Oh, don't open the box, you stupid Germans. 646 00:36:26,234 --> 00:36:29,732 Oh, you know the ghosts are gonna fly out of there and melt your faces off. 647 00:36:29,800 --> 00:36:32,832 Oh, don't op-- Oh! I told you not to do it, and you did it. 648 00:36:32,900 --> 00:36:36,432 Oh, look at you. Your faces are all meltin' off, just like I said. 649 00:36:36,501 --> 00:36:40,432 Oh, you're not usin' your brains-- And now they're melted. 650 00:36:43,501 --> 00:36:47,832 Oh, Andy, don't go down into the laundry room by yourself. 651 00:36:47,901 --> 00:36:50,232 You know those other guys are down there waitin' for you, 652 00:36:50,301 --> 00:36:52,299 and they're gonna rape you in your bum. 653 00:36:52,368 --> 00:36:54,299 Oh, get out of there-- Oh! There they are. 654 00:36:54,368 --> 00:36:58,399 Now they're gonna rape ya. Oh, see? That's why I told ya to get out of there. 655 00:36:58,468 --> 00:37:01,099 Oh, look at you. Gettin' raped in your bum. 656 00:37:01,167 --> 00:37:04,932 Oh, you bum's gonna be sore now. Oh, you're not usin' your brain. 657 00:37:11,000 --> 00:37:12,598 ♪♪ [ Orchestra: Intro ] 658 00:37:12,667 --> 00:37:15,632 [ Together ] ♪ My gal has got two eyes of blue and curls of brown ♪ 659 00:37:15,701 --> 00:37:18,899 ♪ She always makes me smile when I am feelin' down ♪ 660 00:37:18,968 --> 00:37:22,265 ♪ Whenever I am with her I just grin like a clown ♪ 661 00:37:22,334 --> 00:37:25,699 ♪ 'Cause my gal's pussy is the smallest in town ♪ 662 00:37:28,967 --> 00:37:32,332 ♪ She's like a beauty queen who wears a shiny crown ♪ 663 00:37:32,401 --> 00:37:35,531 ♪ And any time she sees that I am starting to frown ♪ 664 00:37:35,600 --> 00:37:38,931 ♪ She's always got the thing to turn it upside down ♪ 665 00:37:39,000 --> 00:37:42,333 ♪ 'Cause my gal's pussy is the smallest in town ♪ 666 00:37:42,401 --> 00:37:45,464 ♪ She's got a face without a trace of gloom I guarantee it ♪ 667 00:37:45,533 --> 00:37:47,465 ♪ Her muff is sweet and so petite ♪ 668 00:37:47,534 --> 00:37:50,632 ♪ You have to squint your eyes to see it ♪ 669 00:37:50,701 --> 00:37:53,899 [ Together ] ♪ I'm such a happy fella when she comes around ♪ 670 00:37:53,968 --> 00:37:57,299 ♪ She's always got a kiss when I am feelin' down ♪ 671 00:37:57,367 --> 00:38:00,431 ♪ I wouldn't trade her in for any wealth or renown ♪ 672 00:38:00,500 --> 00:38:03,898 ♪ 'Cause my gal's pussy is the smallest in town ♪♪ 673 00:38:09,400 --> 00:38:11,333 Small bush! 674 00:38:18,400 --> 00:38:21,132 Hey, beaver, what the hell are you doin' to my river? 675 00:38:21,200 --> 00:38:23,132 I'll die with that thing there. 676 00:38:23,200 --> 00:38:26,098 Yeah, and I'll die without a sweet-ass bachelor pad on the water. 677 00:38:26,167 --> 00:38:29,066 Deal with it, broham. Hey, beaver, did you eat this tree? 678 00:38:29,134 --> 00:38:31,731 There was knot right here with my nest in it. 679 00:38:31,800 --> 00:38:33,866 Oh, yeah. I used that wood for my steam room. 680 00:38:33,934 --> 00:38:36,665 Now I get to rub my nuts all over your house, bee-yatch. 681 00:38:36,734 --> 00:38:38,899 Hey, did you borrow my DVD of The Departed? 682 00:38:38,967 --> 00:38:41,665 'Cause it's all scratched now. Hey, I did you a favor, man. 683 00:38:41,733 --> 00:38:43,765 Wanna see a good movie? Try Rush Hour 3. 684 00:38:43,834 --> 00:38:46,065 Chris Tucker fucking cracks my shit up. 685 00:38:46,134 --> 00:38:48,799 God. Can you believe this guy? What a-- A vagina! 686 00:38:48,867 --> 00:38:53,765 Yeah, a vagina. From now on, "beaver" means "vagina." [ All ] Yeah. 687 00:38:53,834 --> 00:38:57,065 And that is the origin of the term. 688 00:38:57,134 --> 00:38:59,431 Join me next week when I'll tell you how the bear... 689 00:38:59,500 --> 00:39:03,032 became synonymous with the chubby homosexual. 690 00:39:09,101 --> 00:39:11,465 It's nice to meet you, Abby. What brings you here? 691 00:39:11,534 --> 00:39:14,198 Um, this is kind of hard to talk about. 692 00:39:14,267 --> 00:39:16,199 I've never even said it out loud before, 693 00:39:16,267 --> 00:39:19,032 but I'm bulimic. I see. 694 00:39:19,101 --> 00:39:22,466 I-I'll just binge like crazy, just stuffing my face-- 695 00:39:22,534 --> 00:39:25,165 A steak burrito, a stack of pancakes, 696 00:39:25,234 --> 00:39:28,065 a loaf of French bread with mayonnaise-- Uh-huh. 697 00:39:28,134 --> 00:39:30,065 Garbage bag full of popcorn, 698 00:39:30,134 --> 00:39:32,632 a ham sandwich with marshmallow fluff, and crushed up Doritos. 699 00:39:32,701 --> 00:39:36,199 Mm-hmm. And then, after I'm done, I just feel terrible... 700 00:39:36,267 --> 00:39:38,665 and disgusting and ugly, so I-- 701 00:39:38,734 --> 00:39:42,532 You-You purge. What? What's-- What's "purge"? 702 00:39:42,601 --> 00:39:45,366 You throw up. You vomit. No. I cry. 703 00:39:45,434 --> 00:39:48,532 Why would I throw up? Well, that's what bulimia is-- 704 00:39:48,601 --> 00:39:50,532 You binge, and then you purge. 705 00:39:50,601 --> 00:39:52,765 Yeah, I-I don't throw up. That's really gross. 706 00:39:52,834 --> 00:39:55,899 Oh. Okay. Well, then, I'd have to say you're not bulimic. 707 00:39:55,968 --> 00:39:59,199 Really? Oh, God, that is such a relief. 708 00:39:59,267 --> 00:40:01,632 So I-I'm just-- Fat. 709 00:40:01,701 --> 00:40:05,032 Fat? Okay. 710 00:40:05,101 --> 00:40:07,032 Great. [ Laughs ] 711 00:40:07,101 --> 00:40:09,332 God, I was so worried. 712 00:40:09,401 --> 00:40:11,899 You are a really good psychiatrist. 713 00:40:11,968 --> 00:40:13,999 Wow. I mean-- I don't know if this is appropriate, 714 00:40:14,067 --> 00:40:16,665 but would you maybe like to go out sometime, or-- 715 00:40:16,734 --> 00:40:19,632 No, thanks. I don't date fat chicks. Oh. 716 00:40:19,701 --> 00:40:20,699 Sorry. 717 00:40:20,767 --> 00:40:22,932 Oh, uh, that's okay. Oh, good. 718 00:40:29,500 --> 00:40:31,599 You poor, crippled man. 719 00:40:31,667 --> 00:40:33,999 How did this unfortunate fate befall you? 720 00:40:34,067 --> 00:40:36,999 I was injured while building a house for my family. 721 00:40:37,067 --> 00:40:40,999 You pitiable fellow. If only there was some help for you. 722 00:40:41,068 --> 00:40:43,565 [ Gasps ] The messiah will help you. 723 00:40:43,634 --> 00:40:46,865 O Lord Jesus, will you heal this man's wound? 724 00:40:46,934 --> 00:40:48,865 Ooh. Oh, man, I'll tell you what. 725 00:40:48,934 --> 00:40:52,032 Somebody oughta heal this acid reflux, man. 726 00:40:52,100 --> 00:40:54,098 This shit is fucking up my day. 727 00:40:54,167 --> 00:40:57,332 O Lord, won't you please perform a miracle for this man? 728 00:40:57,400 --> 00:40:59,398 You know what would be a miracle? 729 00:40:59,467 --> 00:41:02,232 If I could go back in time three hours and say to myself, 730 00:41:02,301 --> 00:41:05,398 "Hey, Jesus. Don't eat that barbecued steak sandwich." 731 00:41:05,467 --> 00:41:07,498 I guess that's not gonna happen, huh? 732 00:41:07,567 --> 00:41:10,265 He will surely die without you, O Lord. 733 00:41:10,334 --> 00:41:13,432 Yeah, before that, I gotta ask-- does anybody have any Pepcid or anything, 734 00:41:13,500 --> 00:41:17,432 so I settle this fucking cauldron of shit in my stomach? 735 00:41:17,500 --> 00:41:19,865 I swear to God, I'd give everything I have right now... 736 00:41:19,934 --> 00:41:23,165 just for a goddamn powerhouse round of diarrhea. 737 00:41:23,234 --> 00:41:25,165 Is there no hope for this poor man? 738 00:41:25,234 --> 00:41:27,165 Won't you give him your healing touch? 739 00:41:27,234 --> 00:41:29,432 I'll give him something better-- advice. 740 00:41:29,500 --> 00:41:32,065 Don't mix Pete's Wicked Ale with A1 Sauce, 741 00:41:32,134 --> 00:41:34,765 unless you want a fuckin' gastrointestinal showstopper... 742 00:41:34,834 --> 00:41:36,765 playin' out in your gut. 743 00:41:36,834 --> 00:41:40,165 Shit, man, I envy you for not having to deal with this right now. 744 00:41:40,234 --> 00:41:44,165 He's dead. Oh, if only we could have saved him. 745 00:41:44,234 --> 00:41:47,265 Oh, I'll tell you this-- He's better off that way, 'cause if he was alive, 746 00:41:47,334 --> 00:41:50,532 there'd be a chance that he could someday walk into Jerod's Rib House, 747 00:41:50,601 --> 00:41:54,032 order the onion fries and hot wings, wash 'em down with a few beers, 748 00:41:54,101 --> 00:41:57,065 and then watch the fuckin' butt cracker suite put on in the toilet. 749 00:41:57,134 --> 00:41:59,532 Christ. I am never eating again. 750 00:42:06,100 --> 00:42:10,899 Mmm, mmm. Thank you, Count Dracula. That was delicious. 751 00:42:10,968 --> 00:42:12,932 I'm glad you enjoyed it, Magic, 752 00:42:13,001 --> 00:42:16,099 because from now on, you'll have little appetite for mortal food. 753 00:42:16,167 --> 00:42:18,098 Aaah! 754 00:42:18,167 --> 00:42:20,165 [ Laughing ] 755 00:42:20,234 --> 00:42:22,699 You don't follow the news very much, do you? 756 00:42:22,767 --> 00:42:24,699 No, not really. Why? 757 00:42:32,367 --> 00:42:35,233 [ Sneezes, Groans ] 758 00:42:42,801 --> 00:42:44,999 All right, here are the beads. Thank you. 759 00:42:45,067 --> 00:42:47,832 And if you'll just sign this document giving us all of Manhattan-- 760 00:42:47,901 --> 00:42:49,832 [ Sniffs ] Wait a minute. 761 00:42:49,901 --> 00:42:52,098 Have these been in your ass? What? No. 762 00:42:52,167 --> 00:42:54,998 They're just ordinary beads-- You know, like you asked for. 763 00:42:55,067 --> 00:42:56,998 Hey, smell these. [ Sniffs ] 764 00:42:57,067 --> 00:42:59,065 Oh, yeah. These have definitely been in the butt. 765 00:42:59,134 --> 00:43:02,032 Sorry. Deal's off. You're gonna have to find something else. 766 00:43:02,101 --> 00:43:05,499 Wow. Uh, okay. Still don't know what you're talking about, 767 00:43:05,567 --> 00:43:08,366 but, uh, will you take a gerbil? 768 00:43:15,934 --> 00:43:17,998 So let me get this straight. 769 00:43:18,067 --> 00:43:20,598 Your defense is that you shot the sheriff, 770 00:43:20,667 --> 00:43:23,199 but you did not shoot the deputy? Jah. 771 00:43:23,267 --> 00:43:26,332 But you did shoot the sheriff? Jah. 772 00:43:26,400 --> 00:43:28,932 And you're admitting that? Jah. 773 00:43:29,001 --> 00:43:30,932 We don't need to get him on the deputy. 774 00:43:31,001 --> 00:43:33,665 If we prove he killed the sheriff, that's a life sentence right there. 775 00:43:33,734 --> 00:43:35,832 Yeah, I'm not sure why he's defending himself on murder... 776 00:43:35,901 --> 00:43:38,032 by confessing to a completely different murder. 777 00:43:38,101 --> 00:43:40,166 I have this weird hunch he might be high. 778 00:43:49,967 --> 00:43:52,165 [ Man ] Oh, shit. Look at that one. 779 00:43:52,234 --> 00:43:55,032 They must have spent, like, 5,000 bucks on all those decorations. 780 00:43:55,101 --> 00:43:57,032 Hey, Vishnu. What? 781 00:43:57,100 --> 00:43:59,032 Where are all the decorations for your birthday? 782 00:43:59,100 --> 00:44:01,999 Ha, ha. Very funny. No, no. Seriously. Where are they? 783 00:44:02,067 --> 00:44:03,999 'Cause I see, like, every house in America... 784 00:44:04,067 --> 00:44:06,399 has decorations up for my birthday, but nothing for yours. 785 00:44:06,467 --> 00:44:08,532 Maybe they have some in India. 786 00:44:08,600 --> 00:44:12,232 Nope. Nothin' there. Just some guy wipin' his ass with his hand. 787 00:44:12,300 --> 00:44:15,099 [ Sighs ] Oh, but seriously, dude, happy birthday. 788 00:44:22,667 --> 00:44:26,233 I am the Ghost of Christmas Past. What the fuck-- 789 00:44:26,301 --> 00:44:28,899 [ Cocks Rifle ] Wrong house! Wrong house! 790 00:44:31,467 --> 00:44:34,066 Mmm. What is this? This is great. 791 00:44:34,134 --> 00:44:37,399 It's ghost. I killed it myself. It's really juicy. 792 00:44:37,467 --> 00:44:39,665 Yeah. I'll give you some ghost jerky to take home. 793 00:44:39,733 --> 00:44:41,665 Oh, terrific. Sounds great. 794 00:44:41,733 --> 00:44:44,265 Ted, this has been great. You're welcome. 795 00:44:50,834 --> 00:44:54,898 No way, Vince. We cannot do that. There's no way we can do that. 796 00:44:56,268 --> 00:44:58,765 Actually, Vince, it turns out we can do that. 797 00:44:58,834 --> 00:45:00,932 Cool. 798 00:45:07,500 --> 00:45:09,432 Hey, it's Tara Reid. 799 00:45:09,500 --> 00:45:12,199 Wow. Tara, you're so beautiful-- 800 00:45:12,267 --> 00:45:14,599 And I really love the way your stomach looks. 801 00:45:14,667 --> 00:45:17,065 Hey, thanks, guys. 802 00:45:23,134 --> 00:45:27,598 Let's try some role-playing. Okay. I'll be Judd Hirsch. 803 00:45:30,667 --> 00:45:33,132 I'm glad we saw National Treasure II. I know. 804 00:45:33,201 --> 00:45:37,832 It answered every single question I had after seeing National Treasure I. 805 00:45:40,900 --> 00:45:43,299 Can you help me? I'd like to buy an iPod. 806 00:45:43,367 --> 00:45:46,665 You know what's way better than an iPod? A Zune. 807 00:45:49,733 --> 00:45:54,765 You know, Joe Pantoliano is also quite gifted at playing non-Italians. 808 00:45:57,834 --> 00:46:01,165 College sucks. I never should have had that abortion. 809 00:46:01,234 --> 00:46:04,032 I mean, just think-- Right now you could be home with a baby. 810 00:46:04,100 --> 00:46:06,032 I mean, how much cooler would that be? 811 00:46:09,100 --> 00:46:11,398 You know what's really interesting? 812 00:46:11,467 --> 00:46:13,732 You-- talking about your zodiac sign. 813 00:46:16,800 --> 00:46:18,732 Hey, can I help you? 814 00:46:18,801 --> 00:46:20,765 Yeah. I'm looking to buy some new, interesting music. 815 00:46:20,834 --> 00:46:23,232 You know, you should check out Hilary Duff. 816 00:46:26,301 --> 00:46:29,266 No, dude, the reason everyone respects you so much... 817 00:46:29,333 --> 00:46:31,865 is because you have a pet snake. 818 00:46:34,934 --> 00:46:38,965 Wanna know why I joined the College Republicans? The pussy. 819 00:46:39,034 --> 00:46:42,531 I hear ya, bro. I'm gettin' seven kinds of laid. 820 00:46:47,167 --> 00:46:50,032 Wow. That really busted all my preconceptions... 821 00:46:50,100 --> 00:46:52,198 of West Virginians as inbred morons. 822 00:46:52,267 --> 00:46:55,132 I know. We met such diverse, intelligent people. 823 00:46:55,200 --> 00:46:58,698 And very few of them breathed exclusively through their mouths. 824 00:47:05,267 --> 00:47:07,332 [ No Audible Dialogue ] 825 00:47:07,400 --> 00:47:11,165 How's my favorite nephew? Oh, real good. Just gettin' a beer. 826 00:47:11,234 --> 00:47:15,932 Mitch, can I just say how much I adore Janine? Yeah, she's great. 827 00:47:16,000 --> 00:47:19,398 Actually, we just had our one-year anniversary. Oh, how nice. 828 00:47:19,467 --> 00:47:22,298 Did you do anything fun to celebrate? 829 00:47:22,367 --> 00:47:24,298 Well, we kept it pretty low key. 830 00:47:24,367 --> 00:47:27,132 I took her over to Spinelli's-- Oh, how lovely. 831 00:47:27,201 --> 00:47:29,165 Yeah, and then we pretty much just went home. 832 00:47:29,234 --> 00:47:31,465 Oh-- And I think I told you how Janine and I... 833 00:47:31,534 --> 00:47:33,565 saved a piece of our wedding cake in the freezer. 834 00:47:33,634 --> 00:47:36,965 Oh, I like that. That's a cute idea. 835 00:47:37,034 --> 00:47:39,599 Yeah. Well, you know, it's kinda cheesy, but, you know, it's fun. 836 00:47:39,667 --> 00:47:41,632 And we put our own little twist on it. 837 00:47:41,701 --> 00:47:45,332 I took the piece of cake and then just shoved the fucker way up into her pussy-- 838 00:47:45,400 --> 00:47:47,332 I mean, like way up there. 839 00:47:47,400 --> 00:47:50,032 I'm talkin', like, if I was wearin' a watch, it's gone. 840 00:47:50,101 --> 00:47:52,032 Then I just start fucking her, you know? 841 00:47:52,101 --> 00:47:54,032 Just, like, super fucking her, 842 00:47:54,101 --> 00:47:57,932 like, just pounding the fucking cake the fuck up in her, you know? 843 00:47:58,000 --> 00:48:00,565 Oh, my. Yeah. And then-- Oh, you're gonna love this. 844 00:48:00,634 --> 00:48:04,298 I take my dick out. I make her lick the cake off my dick-- All of it. 845 00:48:04,367 --> 00:48:07,398 Then I give her a little homemade fuckin' icing, if you know what I mean. 846 00:48:09,034 --> 00:48:12,599 Say, Aunt Helen, why do you always wear that stupid scarf on your head? 847 00:48:12,667 --> 00:48:15,898 I have cancer. Still? 848 00:48:15,967 --> 00:48:18,698 Boy, that's gotta be a fuckin' shitty deal, huh? 849 00:48:25,267 --> 00:48:28,132 You know, I just don't think this is that funny. 850 00:48:28,200 --> 00:48:31,132 I was just gonna say-- Neither do I. It's just not funny. 851 00:48:31,200 --> 00:48:33,132 I'm just kinda sitting here stone-faced, 852 00:48:33,200 --> 00:48:35,464 watching things that I know I'm supposed to be laughing at. 853 00:48:35,533 --> 00:48:38,099 I-I agree. I don't think De Niro is that good. 854 00:48:38,168 --> 00:48:40,099 I don't think Teri Polo is that good. 855 00:48:40,168 --> 00:48:42,464 I'm finding myself really put off by Ben Stiller. 856 00:48:42,533 --> 00:48:44,598 Really put off. He's doing nothing for me. 857 00:48:44,667 --> 00:48:47,765 The whole thing feels very mainstream innocuous, you know? 858 00:48:47,834 --> 00:48:50,665 There's nothing unexpected about the jokes. It's very predictable. 859 00:48:50,734 --> 00:48:52,765 Very p-- I just-- Don't care for it. Neither do I. 860 00:48:52,834 --> 00:48:54,832 I don't think we should watch the rest. I don't either. 861 00:48:54,901 --> 00:48:56,999 I don't really care what happens to these characters. 862 00:48:57,068 --> 00:48:59,665 Let's shut it off. I agree. [ Clicks ] 863 00:48:59,734 --> 00:49:01,665 That's much better. 864 00:49:10,235 --> 00:49:12,264 Hi. I'm Jeff Goldblum. 865 00:49:12,333 --> 00:49:14,665 Guess what I'm selling. Wrong again. 866 00:49:14,734 --> 00:49:16,999 Jeff Goldblum Wafers-- 867 00:49:17,067 --> 00:49:20,132 The only cracker that talks when you put it in your mouth. 868 00:49:20,201 --> 00:49:23,532 Now each cracker looks like a tiny Jeff Goldblum, 869 00:49:23,601 --> 00:49:25,998 and it makes scintillating conversation. 870 00:49:27,834 --> 00:49:29,765 Is that Brie? Oh, I-I love Brie. 871 00:49:29,834 --> 00:49:33,732 I once dated a girl named Brie. She was-- She was very lithe. 872 00:49:33,801 --> 00:49:36,898 Oh, you're-- You're eating me. Oh, th-- That t-- That-That-That-- 873 00:49:36,967 --> 00:49:39,898 That tickles. Your-- Your, uh-- Your mouth smells like black licorice-- 874 00:49:39,967 --> 00:49:44,898 You know, the twisty kind? Before you swallow, did you see No Country for Old Men? 875 00:49:44,967 --> 00:49:47,732 It was stunningly bleak, uh, darkly intimate, 876 00:49:47,801 --> 00:49:49,732 and most of all, human. 877 00:49:49,801 --> 00:49:52,932 Now you see, you won't hear a Triscuit make that kind of conversation. 878 00:49:53,001 --> 00:49:55,665 Although they are crisp. I'll have to give them that. 879 00:49:55,733 --> 00:49:57,698 They're very crispy. Where was I? Oh, yes. 880 00:49:57,767 --> 00:50:00,266 Uh, buy Jeff Goldblum Wafers-- 881 00:50:00,333 --> 00:50:03,232 Or don't, but, uh, I would prefer it if you did. 882 00:50:03,300 --> 00:50:07,364 Although, let's face it, one can't always get what one desires. 883 00:50:07,433 --> 00:50:10,898 Still, that's no reason not to try. Yes. Yes. 884 00:50:40,000 --> 00:50:43,564 [ Bleating ] All right, everybody. It's shearing time. 885 00:50:43,633 --> 00:50:45,565 First. I'm first. Shear me. I'm ready to be sheared. 886 00:50:45,634 --> 00:50:47,565 Uh, l-look, I don't wanna do this-- 887 00:50:47,634 --> 00:50:49,398 No, no, no. It's cool, man. It's cool. It's all good. 888 00:50:49,467 --> 00:50:52,532 You not gonna do that thing-- No, I'm not gonna do that thing. It's fine. It's fine. 889 00:50:52,601 --> 00:50:54,631 All right. [ Exhales ] Cool. 890 00:50:54,700 --> 00:50:57,331 [ Whirring ] 891 00:50:57,400 --> 00:51:00,364 Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's good. 892 00:51:00,433 --> 00:51:02,665 Yeah-- No, shear it. 893 00:51:02,733 --> 00:51:06,065 Fuckin' shear me. Shear the goddamn shit off me. 894 00:51:06,134 --> 00:51:08,065 Fuck, yeah-- I thought you said you weren't gonna be doing-- 895 00:51:08,134 --> 00:51:10,298 I am. I'm doing a bit. I'm just doing a bit. That's all. 896 00:51:10,366 --> 00:51:12,298 [ Groans ] It's all good, all right? 897 00:51:12,366 --> 00:51:14,298 Okay, just go. Do it. Do it. [ Mutters ] 898 00:51:14,366 --> 00:51:16,498 [ Whirring ] 899 00:51:16,566 --> 00:51:18,665 Oh, yeah. Fuck. 900 00:51:18,733 --> 00:51:20,665 Fuckin' shear my ass, bitch. 901 00:51:20,733 --> 00:51:24,865 Yeah, make me naked. Make me a naked fuckin' skin sheep. 902 00:51:24,934 --> 00:51:26,865 Yeah, run that thing all over my ass. 903 00:51:26,934 --> 00:51:28,865 Yeah. Fuck, yeah! Okay, I'm not doin' this. 904 00:51:28,934 --> 00:51:30,598 What-- Come on, dude. What's your problem? 905 00:51:30,667 --> 00:51:32,331 I'm not gonna do it. You're freakin' me out. 906 00:51:32,400 --> 00:51:34,431 You can't stop. You're, like, halfway done. I don't care. 907 00:51:34,500 --> 00:51:36,132 You can't leave me halfway sheared. Shorn. 908 00:51:36,201 --> 00:51:37,631 Halfway shorn. You can't do that. Come on, dude. 909 00:51:37,701 --> 00:51:40,198 Don't be a douche. [ Groans ] Okay, fine. 910 00:51:40,266 --> 00:51:42,732 But I swear to God, if you keep-- I won't. I promise. 911 00:51:42,801 --> 00:51:45,598 Relax. It's all good now. It's all good, all right? 912 00:51:45,667 --> 00:51:48,565 [ Whirring ] 913 00:51:48,633 --> 00:51:50,899 Oh, fuck. Oh, my God. Fuck, yeah. 914 00:51:50,967 --> 00:51:53,765 Oh, fuckin' shear me the fuck up. 915 00:51:53,834 --> 00:51:56,464 Oh, yeah, I'm so fuckin' hard right now. Shit! 916 00:51:56,533 --> 00:51:59,431 Got a big, fuckin' cotton boner. 917 00:51:59,500 --> 00:52:02,498 Fuck me with that thing. Fuckin'-- Fuckin' shear my asshole. 918 00:52:02,567 --> 00:52:04,732 Shear around my fuckin' asshole. 919 00:52:04,801 --> 00:52:07,366 Shove that fuckin' thing up my ass! Stick it up my ass immediately. 920 00:52:07,434 --> 00:52:10,499 Stick me up the ass with that. Shear me up the ass. Do it! 921 00:52:10,567 --> 00:52:11,699 I'm done. What? 922 00:52:11,768 --> 00:52:13,199 I'm done. What the fuck? 923 00:52:13,268 --> 00:52:15,065 You're not right in the head. I'm done. 924 00:52:15,134 --> 00:52:17,199 You jerk. I thought we were friends. 925 00:52:18,967 --> 00:52:22,498 [ Voice Breaking ] I thought we were friends. 926 00:52:39,767 --> 00:52:41,899 [ Beeping ] 927 00:52:41,968 --> 00:52:43,966 [ Whirring ] 928 00:53:02,767 --> 00:53:04,699 Hi. I'm Wil Wheaton. 929 00:53:04,767 --> 00:53:06,699 I know. I can't believe it either. 930 00:53:06,767 --> 00:53:11,332 Never, ever feed a dog chocolate while he wears a tinfoil hat in the microwave. 931 00:53:11,400 --> 00:53:13,932 It's just not cool.