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00:00:01,181 --> 00:00:04,233
♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
2
00:00:04,301 --> 00:00:07,637
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
3
00:00:07,704 --> 00:00:10,773
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:10,857 --> 00:00:13,759
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
5
00:00:13,810 --> 00:00:17,730
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
6
00:00:17,781 --> 00:00:20,199
♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do... ♪
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00:00:20,266 --> 00:00:21,784
Uh, uh, hold it.
Hold it.
8
00:00:21,868 --> 00:00:23,452
What-what...
what's going on here?
9
00:00:23,537 --> 00:00:24,570
I'm pregnant.
10
00:00:24,638 --> 00:00:25,821
You...
you're what?
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00:00:25,906 --> 00:00:26,989
Yeah.
12
00:00:27,074 --> 00:00:28,658
We're in the middle
of a thing here.
13
00:00:28,742 --> 00:00:30,242
Well, you didn't return
any of my texts.
14
00:00:30,293 --> 00:00:31,627
So what-what...
so what's going on?
15
00:00:31,712 --> 00:00:33,763
You-you... you want, like,
a... a ride to the place?
16
00:00:33,830 --> 00:00:35,131
Peter, what's
going on?
17
00:00:35,198 --> 00:00:37,733
What's going on, Lois,
is that this girl
18
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is obviously not well,
and I have just learned
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00:00:40,587 --> 00:00:42,154
that she's been stealing
from the show,
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and she should probably
be escorted out of the building.
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♪ Family Guy 10x01 ♪
Lottery Fever
Original Air Date on September 25, 2011
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00:00:49,730 --> 00:00:51,480
♪ Nah, nah ♪
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00:00:51,565 --> 00:00:54,433
♪ Family Guy. ♪
24
00:00:54,434 --> 00:00:57,634
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
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00:00:57,704 --> 00:00:59,405
We now return
26
00:00:59,473 --> 00:01:02,541
to Star Trek II: The Wrath
of Khan, edited for goats.
27
00:01:02,609 --> 00:01:05,444
Marooned for all eternity
28
00:01:05,512 --> 00:01:08,197
in the center of a dead planet.
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Buried alive.
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00:01:11,835 --> 00:01:14,653
Buried alive.
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Lois, I need $28,000.
32
00:01:19,059 --> 00:01:20,259
For what?
33
00:01:20,327 --> 00:01:22,244
I've decided I want to open
a sushi restaurant.
34
00:01:22,312 --> 00:01:23,446
What do you know
about sushi?
35
00:01:23,513 --> 00:01:24,930
I don't care
about the sushi.
36
00:01:24,998 --> 00:01:27,416
I just want to yell at customers
when they walk in the door.
37
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Here comes a black guy!
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00:01:34,841 --> 00:01:35,991
Peter, you're not
getting money
39
00:01:36,059 --> 00:01:37,359
for that or
anything else.
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00:01:37,427 --> 00:01:39,528
We're running seriously
low on cash right now.
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00:01:39,613 --> 00:01:42,198
In fact, I may have to
get my own full-time job.
44
00:01:45,769 --> 00:01:47,436
Why do you think
we waited so long
45
00:01:47,504 --> 00:01:49,138
to take you to the
groomer's last month?
46
00:01:52,525 --> 00:01:54,727
Hey, isn't it time for me
to get a haircut?
47
00:01:54,795 --> 00:01:57,029
Oh, no. I think
you just got one.
48
00:01:57,097 --> 00:01:58,364
Are you sure?
49
00:01:58,432 --> 00:02:00,366
'Cause I feel like
my nails are really long.
50
00:02:00,434 --> 00:02:02,067
Yeah, I'll check,
but I'm pretty sure
51
00:02:02,135 --> 00:02:03,819
it's not for another
couple of weeks.
52
00:02:05,388 --> 00:02:06,956
What day is this?
53
00:02:07,023 --> 00:02:09,024
Like it or not, we're
going to have to start
54
00:02:09,092 --> 00:02:10,726
living on a strict
budget for a while.
55
00:02:10,794 --> 00:02:12,528
Good evening. I'm Tom Tucker,
and this is...
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♪ News... ♪
57
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I thought you were going
to sing with me, Joyce.
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00:02:16,149 --> 00:02:17,349
Okay. Our top
story tonight.
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00:02:17,417 --> 00:02:18,984
The Rhode Island
State Lottery
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has climbed to a record
$150 million jackpot.
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00:02:22,222 --> 00:02:23,522
That's right, Tom.
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00:02:23,590 --> 00:02:25,724
Powerball fever has
officially gripped Quahog.
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We sent Channel Five News
Asian correspondent
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00:02:28,328 --> 00:02:31,230
Tricia Takanawa around town
to get the public reaction.
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Mayor West, what do you plan
to do if you win the lottery?
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00:02:34,701 --> 00:02:36,836
Well, I'd finally
splurge and buy myself
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00:02:36,903 --> 00:02:39,538
one of those fancy
four-piece suits.
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00:02:39,606 --> 00:02:41,474
I'd like to join
your country club.
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00:02:41,541 --> 00:02:43,876
I assume that won't
be a problem.
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00:02:43,944 --> 00:02:47,513
And how about you,
every Persian guy in the world?
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00:02:47,581 --> 00:02:49,849
White BMW.
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00:02:49,916 --> 00:02:50,916
There you go, Lois.
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00:02:50,984 --> 00:02:52,084
That's the answer right there.
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00:02:52,135 --> 00:02:53,686
We'll just win the lottery.
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00:02:53,753 --> 00:02:56,255
In fact, I'm going to go buy
my winning ticket right now.
76
00:03:01,144 --> 00:03:02,311
Peter, what's wrong?
77
00:03:02,379 --> 00:03:03,479
It's, uh, nothing.
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00:03:03,547 --> 00:03:05,397
I'm just going
to wait a minute.
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00:03:05,465 --> 00:03:07,900
There's teenagers
in skinny jeans out there.
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00:03:11,505 --> 00:03:14,173
Everyone, I got big news.
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We are going
to be rich.
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00:03:17,177 --> 00:03:18,661
Oh, my God, Peter.
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00:03:18,728 --> 00:03:20,663
There are thousands of
lottery tickets here.
84
00:03:20,730 --> 00:03:22,665
Where did you get the
money for all these?
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00:03:22,732 --> 00:03:25,000
Simple. I took out a second
mortgage on the house.
86
00:03:25,068 --> 00:03:26,886
What?!
Peter, this is idiotic.
87
00:03:26,953 --> 00:03:29,004
Your odds of winning
are like 100 million to one.
88
00:03:29,072 --> 00:03:31,941
Don't you know the lottery
is just a tax on stupid people?
89
00:03:32,008 --> 00:03:33,592
Would you be saying
that if the prize
90
00:03:33,660 --> 00:03:35,961
was 150 million bags of
the neighbor's garbage?
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00:03:36,029 --> 00:03:37,062
But it's not.
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00:03:37,130 --> 00:03:38,430
I mean... I mean, is it?
93
00:03:38,498 --> 00:03:40,616
It's... that-that is an
unrealistic, unfair question.
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00:03:40,684 --> 00:03:41,967
Peter, Brian's right.
95
00:03:42,035 --> 00:03:43,869
How can you be
so irresponsible?
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00:03:43,937 --> 00:03:45,521
You take these tickets
back right now.
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00:03:45,589 --> 00:03:46,555
No way, Lois.
98
00:03:46,623 --> 00:03:47,756
We're going to win.
99
00:03:47,824 --> 00:03:49,458
I got lots of good
karma built up
100
00:03:49,526 --> 00:03:50,910
from doing those
USO shows.
101
00:03:52,245 --> 00:03:53,863
So, apparently, they found
102
00:03:53,930 --> 00:03:55,998
a weapon of mass destruction--
my putter.
103
00:03:58,802 --> 00:04:00,452
All right, boys.
Go get 'em over there.
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00:04:00,520 --> 00:04:03,355
And now, please welcome
Mr. Bruce Jenner.
105
00:04:20,357 --> 00:04:22,007
Just wanted to
remind you fellas
106
00:04:22,058 --> 00:04:23,909
what you're all
fighting for.
107
00:04:27,430 --> 00:04:28,881
Okay, this is
it, you guys.
108
00:04:28,949 --> 00:04:30,416
They're going to announce
the winning lottery numbers.
109
00:04:30,483 --> 00:04:33,552
Time for the Griffin family
to meet its destiny.
110
00:04:33,620 --> 00:04:34,587
When we lose,
I'm getting a divorce.
111
00:04:34,654 --> 00:04:36,121
Understood.
112
00:04:36,189 --> 00:04:38,157
We're here live in our studio
where a checkout girl
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00:04:38,224 --> 00:04:40,259
in a cheap dress
who wants to be a model
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00:04:40,327 --> 00:04:41,844
is ready to draw
the winning numbers.
115
00:04:41,912 --> 00:04:43,212
"E!"
116
00:04:43,296 --> 00:04:44,246
That's
a three, honey.
117
00:04:44,331 --> 00:04:45,331
Turn it around.
118
00:04:45,382 --> 00:04:46,332
This.
119
00:04:46,383 --> 00:04:47,383
Thirty-one.
120
00:04:47,467 --> 00:04:48,801
Spooky ghost mouth.
121
00:04:48,868 --> 00:04:50,035
That's a zero.
122
00:04:50,086 --> 00:04:51,437
Snowman.
123
00:04:51,504 --> 00:04:52,554
Eight.
124
00:04:52,639 --> 00:04:53,973
Two sailboats.
125
00:04:54,040 --> 00:04:55,224
Forty-four.
126
00:04:55,308 --> 00:04:56,642
Seventeen.
127
00:04:56,709 --> 00:04:58,227
No, that's...
Oh, yes, that is 17.
128
00:04:58,311 --> 00:04:59,762
She's good at 17.
129
00:04:59,846 --> 00:05:01,146
Well, folks,
those are our winning numbers.
130
00:05:01,214 --> 00:05:03,252
Good luck to all of our...
131
00:05:03,253 --> 00:05:04,218
Twenty-four!
132
00:05:04,219 --> 00:05:05,292
No, that's it. We're done.
133
00:05:05,293 --> 00:05:06,830
Anyone watching,
do not count 24.
134
00:05:06,831 --> 00:05:08,155
Pancakes!
135
00:05:08,156 --> 00:05:09,069
Okay, I don't know
what she's doing now.
136
00:05:09,070 --> 00:05:10,270
Somebody turn the machine off.
137
00:05:10,300 --> 00:05:11,400
N-Nikki, Nikki, that's good.
That's good.
138
00:05:11,435 --> 00:05:12,402
Go... go wait in my car.
139
00:05:12,425 --> 00:05:14,326
All right, you did good.
140
00:05:15,275 --> 00:05:17,810
Going to take her
to Walt's Roast Beef.
141
00:05:17,878 --> 00:05:19,345
All right, kids,
we got 200,000
142
00:05:19,412 --> 00:05:20,646
lottery tickets
we got to check.
143
00:05:20,714 --> 00:05:22,515
All right, how do you
want to do this?
144
00:05:22,582 --> 00:05:24,850
A static shot of the house
where night turns into day
145
00:05:24,918 --> 00:05:27,419
or a montage song that
over-explains what we're doing?
146
00:05:27,487 --> 00:05:29,288
Um, that
second one
147
00:05:29,356 --> 00:05:30,856
sounds like it
could be funny.
148
00:05:30,924 --> 00:05:32,308
♪ ♪
149
00:05:32,392 --> 00:05:34,009
♪ Checking lottery tickets ♪
150
00:05:34,094 --> 00:05:35,861
♪ Looking at the numbers ♪
151
00:05:35,929 --> 00:05:38,630
♪ And seeing if they match
the ones on the news ♪
152
00:05:38,682 --> 00:05:40,316
♪ If they do,
then we're winners ♪
153
00:05:40,400 --> 00:05:42,368
♪ If they don't,
then we put them ♪
154
00:05:42,435 --> 00:05:44,153
♪ In the designated pile ♪
155
00:05:44,221 --> 00:05:46,171
♪ For tickets
we already checked ♪
156
00:05:46,239 --> 00:05:48,440
♪ This is taking forever ♪
157
00:05:48,508 --> 00:05:50,626
♪ That's why Brian is yawning ♪
158
00:05:50,694 --> 00:05:52,828
♪ And Stewie's
rubbing his eyes ♪
159
00:05:52,896 --> 00:05:55,414
♪ The montage is almost over ♪
160
00:05:55,481 --> 00:05:57,833
♪ That's why the music
and the vocals ♪
161
00:05:57,918 --> 00:06:01,486
♪ Are fading out right now. ♪
162
00:06:01,538 --> 00:06:03,038
Well, that's it.
163
00:06:03,106 --> 00:06:06,275
Three days wasted looking
through 200,000 lottery tickets.
164
00:06:06,343 --> 00:06:07,743
Those weren't
the lottery tickets.
165
00:06:07,811 --> 00:06:09,278
That was a test.
166
00:06:09,346 --> 00:06:11,297
These are
the lottery tickets.
167
00:06:13,183 --> 00:06:14,867
Is this another test?
168
00:06:14,935 --> 00:06:16,168
Yes.
169
00:06:16,236 --> 00:06:17,770
These aren't the real
lottery tickets, either.
170
00:06:17,837 --> 00:06:20,189
These are the real
lottery tickets.
171
00:06:20,273 --> 00:06:23,642
So, in addition to buying
200,000 lottery tickets,
172
00:06:23,710 --> 00:06:26,111
you had 400,000 fake ones
printed up?
173
00:06:26,179 --> 00:06:28,981
I had to be sure.
174
00:06:30,166 --> 00:06:32,334
Oh, my God. We won!
175
00:06:32,402 --> 00:06:33,719
What?
Let me see that.
176
00:06:35,155 --> 00:06:36,922
Yes! We won the lottery!
177
00:06:36,990 --> 00:06:38,324
I'm getting a penis butler.
178
00:06:38,375 --> 00:06:39,508
Sir?
179
00:06:39,576 --> 00:06:41,393
All right, butle
my penis. Butle it!
180
00:06:46,872 --> 00:06:47,939
This is awesome.
181
00:06:48,006 --> 00:06:49,173
Now that we're rich,
182
00:06:49,241 --> 00:06:51,008
our lives are going
to be so much better.
183
00:06:51,076 --> 00:06:52,643
You sure it was
such a good idea
184
00:06:52,711 --> 00:06:54,112
to cash that
lottery check?
185
00:06:54,179 --> 00:06:56,514
It seems foolish to have
all this money lying around.
186
00:06:56,582 --> 00:06:58,449
Oh, you'd rather have
it down at the bank
187
00:06:58,517 --> 00:07:00,051
where the Jewish
guys can leer at it?
188
00:07:00,119 --> 00:07:01,736
Yeah!
All right!
189
00:07:01,804 --> 00:07:02,837
Money!
190
00:07:02,905 --> 00:07:04,238
Whoo-hoo!
Whoo!
191
00:07:04,306 --> 00:07:06,541
Hello?
192
00:07:06,608 --> 00:07:08,309
Did you blow all your money yet?
No, Daddy.
193
00:07:08,377 --> 00:07:09,877
All right. Call me
when you blow all your money.
194
00:07:09,945 --> 00:07:11,345
Love you. Bye.
195
00:07:11,413 --> 00:07:13,081
All right, so how are we
going to spend our winnings?
196
00:07:13,148 --> 00:07:14,682
I'm going to get some
supermarket fried chicken
197
00:07:14,750 --> 00:07:16,684
and eat it until I'm nauseous.
198
00:07:16,769 --> 00:07:19,570
I'm going to finally get my gal
that doodad she's been wantin'!
199
00:07:19,638 --> 00:07:21,672
I'm going to get a floor mirror
to squat over
200
00:07:21,740 --> 00:07:23,541
and see what's making
all that noise.
201
00:07:23,609 --> 00:07:25,343
Okay, everybody
just calm down.
202
00:07:25,410 --> 00:07:27,211
We're not going to go crazy
spending our winnings,
203
00:07:27,279 --> 00:07:29,247
and we're not going to let
this money change us.
204
00:07:29,314 --> 00:07:30,715
What are you talking about?
205
00:07:30,783 --> 00:07:33,084
This money is our ticket
to the good life, starting now.
206
00:07:33,152 --> 00:07:35,620
I just bought a giant room
full of gold coins,
207
00:07:35,687 --> 00:07:38,122
and I'm going to dive into it
like Scrooge McDuck.
208
00:07:41,760 --> 00:07:44,428
Aah! It's not a liquid!
209
00:07:44,496 --> 00:07:47,732
It's a great many pieces
of solid matter
210
00:07:47,800 --> 00:07:50,268
that form a hard,
floor-like surface!
211
00:07:50,335 --> 00:07:51,702
Aah!
212
00:07:55,958 --> 00:07:58,025
Peter, what are you
doing here?
213
00:07:58,093 --> 00:07:59,460
Shouldn't you
be at work?
214
00:07:59,528 --> 00:08:00,962
I quit my job, Lois.
215
00:08:01,029 --> 00:08:02,663
You what?
Yeah, we're rich now.
216
00:08:02,731 --> 00:08:04,065
I don't need to be working.
217
00:08:04,133 --> 00:08:05,299
Ah, you should've
been there, Lois.
218
00:08:05,367 --> 00:08:07,401
I told Angela what she could do
with that job,
219
00:08:07,469 --> 00:08:09,370
just like I always fantasized.
220
00:08:09,438 --> 00:08:11,005
Angela, I just want
to thank you
221
00:08:11,073 --> 00:08:13,107
for several extremely
pleasurable years
222
00:08:13,175 --> 00:08:14,408
working for this
corporation.
223
00:08:14,476 --> 00:08:16,711
Uh, certain
unexpected developments
224
00:08:16,778 --> 00:08:18,312
have created
a situation
225
00:08:18,380 --> 00:08:20,548
where I am no longer
in need of employment.
226
00:08:20,616 --> 00:08:22,383
Uh, I would be
remiss, however,
227
00:08:22,451 --> 00:08:24,685
if I did not extend
my gratitude to you
228
00:08:24,753 --> 00:08:27,188
for your unwavering
fairness and belief in me,
229
00:08:27,256 --> 00:08:29,357
and there is a giant poo
on your desk.
230
00:08:32,728 --> 00:08:34,545
Hey, Horace,
another round for everybody.
231
00:08:37,332 --> 00:08:38,482
Gosh, Peter,
you're really
232
00:08:38,550 --> 00:08:39,617
being generous
with your money.
233
00:08:39,685 --> 00:08:41,152
Hey, what's the point
of being rich
234
00:08:41,220 --> 00:08:43,054
if you can't share it
with your pals, huh?
235
00:08:43,121 --> 00:08:44,338
Okay, wait,
I-I got one.
236
00:08:44,406 --> 00:08:45,740
Who would you
rather do?
237
00:08:45,807 --> 00:08:47,575
Susan Boyle
or a sex doll
238
00:08:47,643 --> 00:08:49,594
that's been passed
around a fraternity?
239
00:08:49,661 --> 00:08:51,062
Well, have they been
cleaning the doll?
240
00:08:51,129 --> 00:08:53,314
Please, these guys are Betas--
they're total animals.
241
00:08:53,382 --> 00:08:54,448
Hey, I got
one, Peter.
242
00:08:54,516 --> 00:08:55,650
What would you
rather do?
243
00:08:55,717 --> 00:08:57,285
Tread water where
you are right now
244
00:08:57,352 --> 00:08:59,120
or increase your
net worth fivefold
245
00:08:59,188 --> 00:09:00,454
within the next
18 months?
246
00:09:00,522 --> 00:09:01,589
Huh?
247
00:09:01,657 --> 00:09:03,191
What? I... what are you
talking about?
248
00:09:03,258 --> 00:09:05,326
Well, my friend Marty
is a whiz with chemistry,
249
00:09:05,394 --> 00:09:06,794
and he says
he's come up
250
00:09:06,862 --> 00:09:08,379
with a new penis
enlargement pill,
251
00:09:08,446 --> 00:09:11,499
and if we can bankroll him
$100,000 in startup money,
252
00:09:11,567 --> 00:09:13,401
he'll triple our
investment in a year.
253
00:09:13,468 --> 00:09:16,037
Well, uh...
gee, I-I'm... I don't, uh...
254
00:09:16,104 --> 00:09:17,438
Peter, I've taken
the liberty
255
00:09:17,506 --> 00:09:19,373
of mocking up some
sales projections.
256
00:09:19,441 --> 00:09:20,875
Wow, that's pretty good.
257
00:09:20,943 --> 00:09:22,877
And this would be
our net profits.
258
00:09:22,945 --> 00:09:24,078
Yikes.
259
00:09:24,146 --> 00:09:25,580
You know, Peter, uh,
260
00:09:25,647 --> 00:09:28,916
Bonnie's birthday is coming up,
and I'll be gol-darned
261
00:09:28,984 --> 00:09:31,719
if I didn't go ahead and
promise her that Stevie Nicks
262
00:09:31,787 --> 00:09:34,722
would come to our house
and sing three songs to her.
263
00:09:34,790 --> 00:09:38,059
Boy, do I got a big mouth, huh?
264
00:09:38,126 --> 00:09:40,328
Yeah, if you're going to open
your mouth with the missus,
265
00:09:40,395 --> 00:09:41,596
stick to kisses, huh?
266
00:09:44,766 --> 00:09:46,901
What neat humor.
What neat humor.
267
00:09:46,969 --> 00:09:49,237
So what do say, Peter?
Can you help us out?
268
00:09:49,304 --> 00:09:50,705
Of course I can, you dope.
269
00:09:50,772 --> 00:09:52,423
We're pals, right?
270
00:09:55,043 --> 00:09:56,193
There you go.
271
00:09:56,261 --> 00:09:57,228
Hey, Horace,
give us
272
00:09:57,296 --> 00:09:58,529
three shots
of your best bourbon.
273
00:09:58,597 --> 00:10:00,915
And have that Russian waiter
I like bring it over.
274
00:10:02,684 --> 00:10:05,169
♪ La la la la la
la la la la la la ♪
275
00:10:05,220 --> 00:10:07,521
♪ Trololo ♪
276
00:10:07,606 --> 00:10:10,007
♪ La la la la la
la la la la la la ♪
277
00:10:10,075 --> 00:10:11,225
♪ Ho ho ho ho ho ♪
278
00:10:11,293 --> 00:10:12,360
♪ Ho ho ho ho ho ♪
279
00:10:12,444 --> 00:10:13,644
♪ Ho ho ho ho ho ♪
280
00:10:13,712 --> 00:10:15,012
♪ Ho ho ho ho ho ♪
281
00:10:15,080 --> 00:10:17,515
♪ La la la la la la
la la la la la la ♪
282
00:10:17,582 --> 00:10:20,001
♪ La la la la la
la la la la la ♪
283
00:10:20,068 --> 00:10:24,872
♪ Ah la la la ♪
284
00:10:24,940 --> 00:10:29,477
♪ La la la la la la ♪
285
00:10:29,544 --> 00:10:31,579
♪ La la la la la ♪
286
00:10:31,647 --> 00:10:34,382
♪ Bop ba da da da da da da da ♪
287
00:10:34,449 --> 00:10:39,353
♪ La la la la la la. ♪
288
00:10:39,421 --> 00:10:41,355
Boy, you wouldn't guess
from that smile
289
00:10:41,423 --> 00:10:43,224
that all his kids
were stillborn, huh?
290
00:10:43,292 --> 00:10:45,526
All right, well,
thanks again, Peter.
291
00:10:45,594 --> 00:10:46,994
I got to head out.
292
00:10:47,062 --> 00:10:48,963
I told my mother I'd visit
her in the hospital.
293
00:10:49,031 --> 00:10:50,414
Yeah, and I got to work.
294
00:10:50,482 --> 00:10:51,882
I'm flying a leg
to Minneapolis tonight.
295
00:10:51,950 --> 00:10:53,217
Oh.
296
00:10:53,268 --> 00:10:54,518
Yeah, I-I-I understand.
297
00:10:54,586 --> 00:10:55,786
You... you've got
other things to do.
298
00:10:55,854 --> 00:10:57,388
I-I just wrote you guys
a couple of checks,
299
00:10:57,456 --> 00:10:59,073
but no, you... you-you-you
do your things.
300
00:10:59,141 --> 00:11:00,908
What?
No, I mean, I-I'm just saying,
301
00:11:00,976 --> 00:11:03,311
I-I thought friends hang out,
do things with each other.
302
00:11:03,378 --> 00:11:04,929
You know,
especially when one friend
303
00:11:04,997 --> 00:11:07,348
gives the other friends
a whole bunch of money.
304
00:11:07,416 --> 00:11:10,935
Oh. Well, I guess I
could stick around.
305
00:11:11,003 --> 00:11:14,038
Yeah, and I-I guess
the co-pilot can fly the plane.
306
00:11:14,106 --> 00:11:16,941
She's a woman and passengers
are usually okay with that.
307
00:11:17,009 --> 00:11:18,309
I once saw a
deodorant commercial
308
00:11:18,377 --> 00:11:19,643
that had a
woman pilot.
309
00:11:19,711 --> 00:11:21,262
That's more like it.
310
00:11:21,346 --> 00:11:23,781
From now on, we're all gonna do
whatever I want to do.
311
00:11:23,849 --> 00:11:25,132
'Cause I'm the one
with the dough.
312
00:11:25,200 --> 00:11:26,834
Okay, I guess that's fair.
313
00:11:26,902 --> 00:11:28,569
Good.
'Cause what I want to do is
314
00:11:28,637 --> 00:11:30,638
stay here, get drunk
and watch TV.
315
00:11:30,706 --> 00:11:33,808
We now return to Michael
McDonald During Allergy Season.
316
00:11:33,875 --> 00:11:35,743
Haa...
317
00:11:35,811 --> 00:11:38,062
Haa-haa...
318
00:11:38,130 --> 00:11:40,147
Haa-haa-haa-haa-haa...
319
00:11:40,232 --> 00:11:41,615
Haa...
320
00:11:41,700 --> 00:11:43,100
♪ Haa-chu! ♪
321
00:11:45,237 --> 00:11:48,005
Hey, Peter, you wanted me
to watch the entire first season
322
00:11:48,073 --> 00:11:50,608
of True Blood and come show you
where there was boob?
323
00:11:50,675 --> 00:11:52,076
That's right, I
don't want to see
324
00:11:52,144 --> 00:11:53,411
any actual True
Blood, just boob.
325
00:11:53,478 --> 00:11:54,678
Yeah, well, I found some.
326
00:11:57,532 --> 00:11:58,766
No!
327
00:11:58,834 --> 00:12:01,235
Anna Paquin boob does
not count as real boob!
328
00:12:01,303 --> 00:12:03,471
That's like looking
at a 12-year-old boy.
329
00:12:03,538 --> 00:12:05,573
Geez. Y-You should
know that, Joe!
330
00:12:05,640 --> 00:12:06,674
You should
definitely know that!
331
00:12:06,742 --> 00:12:08,042
Sorry, Peter.
332
00:12:08,110 --> 00:12:10,044
Sorry doesn't show me
nipples worth seeing!
333
00:12:10,112 --> 00:12:12,880
And as for you, Anna, you're
dreadful and so is the program.
334
00:12:12,948 --> 00:12:14,081
I didn't write it.
335
00:12:14,149 --> 00:12:15,783
Yeah, but you know
the people who do.
336
00:12:15,851 --> 00:12:17,385
That Alan Ball--
you know him, right?
337
00:12:17,452 --> 00:12:18,419
Yeah.
338
00:12:18,487 --> 00:12:19,520
How come everything
he writes
339
00:12:19,588 --> 00:12:21,422
is so dreary?
I don't know.
340
00:12:21,490 --> 00:12:23,157
Tell him to cheer up!
Things ain't so bad!
341
00:12:23,225 --> 00:12:25,626
This is a weird episode.
342
00:12:27,429 --> 00:12:29,663
Okay, Quagmire, I want you
to take the first bite
343
00:12:29,731 --> 00:12:31,031
out of this fudge pop,
344
00:12:31,099 --> 00:12:33,467
because that first bite
is the one that really hurts.
345
00:12:33,535 --> 00:12:35,903
Well, okay.
346
00:12:39,558 --> 00:12:41,692
Ah! Ow!
347
00:12:41,760 --> 00:12:42,693
Ow!
348
00:12:42,761 --> 00:12:43,761
Yeah, that's right "Ow."
349
00:12:43,828 --> 00:12:44,862
Now, you swallow that.
350
00:12:44,930 --> 00:12:46,163
Don't you dare spit that out.
351
00:12:46,231 --> 00:12:47,114
What's the
difference?
352
00:12:47,182 --> 00:12:48,032
You got what
you wanted.
353
00:12:48,100 --> 00:12:49,049
I said swallow it!
354
00:12:50,302 --> 00:12:51,769
Now, smear what's
left of it on your face
355
00:12:51,837 --> 00:12:55,689
and look at me
with your mouth open.
356
00:12:55,757 --> 00:12:57,892
Look at yourself,
you filthy whore.
357
00:13:00,395 --> 00:13:02,196
I don't even
want this now.
358
00:13:06,735 --> 00:13:09,370
Okay, guys, now you're gonna do
a synchronized duet
359
00:13:09,438 --> 00:13:11,939
of "Makin' Whoopee" while
I shoot you with this BB gun.
360
00:13:12,007 --> 00:13:12,973
That doesn't
sound safe.
361
00:13:13,041 --> 00:13:13,808
Action!
362
00:13:15,377 --> 00:13:17,128
♪ Another bride ♪
♪ She looks so gay ♪
363
00:13:17,195 --> 00:13:18,829
♪ Another June ♪
♪ Oh, what a day ♪
364
00:13:18,880 --> 00:13:21,565
♪ Another sunny
honeymoon ♪
365
00:13:21,633 --> 00:13:22,766
♪ Hip hip hoor... ♪
366
00:13:22,834 --> 00:13:24,335
♪ Another seas... ♪
367
00:13:24,402 --> 00:13:26,036
♪ Another reason ♪
368
00:13:26,104 --> 00:13:27,905
♪ For making whoopee ♪
369
00:13:30,041 --> 00:13:32,593
Look, you aren't gonna shoot us
in the eye, are you, Peter?
370
00:13:32,677 --> 00:13:33,727
Oh, no, Joe.
371
00:13:33,812 --> 00:13:35,396
I wouldn't try
to shoot you in the eye.
372
00:13:35,480 --> 00:13:37,431
♪ A lot of shoes ♪
♪ We're throwing shoes ♪
373
00:13:37,516 --> 00:13:38,922
♪ A lot of rice ♪
♪ It's all so ni... ♪
374
00:13:39,868 --> 00:13:42,369
Peter, it was really
close to my eye!
375
00:13:42,437 --> 00:13:43,370
Relax, Joe.
376
00:13:43,438 --> 00:13:44,638
I'm nowhere near your eye.
377
00:13:44,706 --> 00:13:46,106
Hey, Joe, open your eye.
378
00:13:46,174 --> 00:13:48,943
Gotcha.
379
00:13:49,010 --> 00:13:50,911
What the hell, Peter?!
You shot him in the eye!
380
00:13:50,979 --> 00:13:52,379
Keep singing, you.
And keep your chin up,
381
00:13:52,447 --> 00:13:53,614
so I can see your throat.
382
00:13:53,698 --> 00:13:55,399
No, no screw this!
You're a jerk!
383
00:13:55,467 --> 00:13:57,201
Jerk? What kind of a way is that
384
00:13:57,269 --> 00:13:59,036
to talk to your friend
who gives you money?
385
00:13:59,104 --> 00:14:00,137
Go to hell, Peter!
386
00:14:00,205 --> 00:14:01,338
We don't need
your money!
387
00:14:01,406 --> 00:14:02,840
And we don't need
friends like you!
388
00:14:02,908 --> 00:14:04,208
Yeah! We're out of here!
389
00:14:04,276 --> 00:14:05,476
Fine, go on. I don't care.
390
00:14:05,544 --> 00:14:07,311
I don't need you, I got money!
391
00:14:07,379 --> 00:14:09,647
You know, Peter,
you used to be a great guy.
392
00:14:09,714 --> 00:14:11,248
But ever since
you won that lottery...
393
00:14:12,784 --> 00:14:14,518
Come on, Joe!
394
00:14:14,586 --> 00:14:16,320
this guy!
Aah!
395
00:14:19,624 --> 00:14:21,692
I'm here to audition
for Fiddler on the Roof.
396
00:14:21,760 --> 00:14:23,093
Come right in.
397
00:14:31,559 --> 00:14:33,861
Peter, my God, what the
hell are you wearing?
398
00:14:33,928 --> 00:14:35,979
It's a solid gold
tuxedo, Lois.
399
00:14:36,047 --> 00:14:37,448
I had to fight three rappers
400
00:14:37,515 --> 00:14:39,349
down at the Nonsense Store
for this.
401
00:14:39,417 --> 00:14:41,151
Look, Peter, this
is not who we are.
402
00:14:41,219 --> 00:14:43,253
I'm worried the money
is changing this family,
403
00:14:43,321 --> 00:14:44,755
and not the
way you hoped.
404
00:14:44,823 --> 00:14:47,090
Well, I was hoping it would make
you shut up, so you're right.
405
00:14:47,158 --> 00:14:48,892
You know, I spoke to
Bonnie this morning,
406
00:14:48,960 --> 00:14:51,862
and she said you haven't talked
to Joe or Quagmire in two weeks.
407
00:14:51,930 --> 00:14:53,413
Who cares?
I don't need Quagmire.
408
00:14:53,481 --> 00:14:55,115
And I certainly don't need Joe.
409
00:14:55,183 --> 00:14:56,416
I got Money Joe.
410
00:14:57,469 --> 00:14:58,802
That's a good one, Money Joe!
411
00:14:58,870 --> 00:15:00,971
I don't like what this money
is doing to us.
412
00:15:01,039 --> 00:15:03,073
It's even affecting
Brian and Stewie.
413
00:15:04,275 --> 00:15:05,375
I think I'm gonna
take a nap.
414
00:15:05,443 --> 00:15:07,578
What, here?
Yeah, I had a giant mobile
415
00:15:07,645 --> 00:15:09,997
put in the sky so I can
sleep wherever I want.
416
00:15:12,600 --> 00:15:14,852
This is nice.
417
00:15:14,936 --> 00:15:17,170
I hope that bear
comes around soon.
418
00:15:17,222 --> 00:15:19,773
That's sort of my fave--
Oh, look, the bear!
419
00:15:19,840 --> 00:15:21,291
And it's not just them.
420
00:15:21,359 --> 00:15:24,261
Chris has also been developing
some very expensive tastes.
421
00:15:24,329 --> 00:15:26,597
Model glue, sir?
422
00:15:26,664 --> 00:15:28,315
Well, what do
we have today?
423
00:15:28,366 --> 00:15:31,468
Today we have a recent vintage
procured just this morning
424
00:15:31,536 --> 00:15:33,220
from Michael's Hobby Shop.
425
00:15:33,288 --> 00:15:35,289
Yes, that's
very nice.
426
00:15:35,356 --> 00:15:37,257
Bring me my
finest rag.
427
00:15:37,325 --> 00:15:39,076
Your fancy rag, sir.
428
00:15:39,160 --> 00:15:40,928
You are relieved
for the evening.
429
00:15:46,184 --> 00:15:49,186
You don't see
poor people doing this!
430
00:15:49,254 --> 00:15:50,420
Lois, don't you understand?
431
00:15:50,505 --> 00:15:52,689
We don't got any of
our old problems anymore.
432
00:15:52,757 --> 00:15:54,625
We don't have to worry
about paying bills,
433
00:15:54,692 --> 00:15:56,510
we don't have to worry
about saving dough.
434
00:15:56,578 --> 00:15:58,979
All we got to do
is enjoy ourselves.
435
00:15:59,047 --> 00:16:00,063
Interested?
436
00:16:02,850 --> 00:16:05,235
Oh, my God.
437
00:16:05,320 --> 00:16:08,572
Peter, it's
beautiful!
438
00:16:08,640 --> 00:16:09,873
Is it a blood
diamond?
439
00:16:09,941 --> 00:16:11,308
Ah, the bloodiest.
440
00:16:11,376 --> 00:16:13,977
The two kids who found it were
forced to murder each other.
441
00:16:14,045 --> 00:16:15,812
Oh, Peter,
I love it.
442
00:16:15,880 --> 00:16:18,749
Hey, you want to watch a DVD
of the murder while we do it?
443
00:16:18,833 --> 00:16:20,033
I already watched it
eight times,
444
00:16:20,101 --> 00:16:22,236
so I know exactly
which part I want to blam at.
445
00:16:25,540 --> 00:16:27,874
Chris, Meg, now that
I'm a rich father,
446
00:16:27,942 --> 00:16:30,377
you will try to impress me,
and I will remain distant.
447
00:16:30,445 --> 00:16:31,478
Go.
448
00:16:31,546 --> 00:16:33,580
Um, say, Dad,
did I tell you
449
00:16:33,648 --> 00:16:35,749
I got second place
in the yacht race?
450
00:16:35,817 --> 00:16:38,018
Hmm. Sounds like
somebody's dad
451
00:16:38,086 --> 00:16:39,686
is happier than
me right now.
452
00:16:39,754 --> 00:16:41,388
Well, um, how about this, Dad?
453
00:16:41,456 --> 00:16:43,523
The school paper is
doing a story about me.
454
00:16:43,591 --> 00:16:45,325
That's because I
had it arranged.
455
00:16:45,393 --> 00:16:48,161
Uh, I was thinking about
joining the Army?
456
00:16:48,229 --> 00:16:49,429
No.
457
00:16:49,497 --> 00:16:51,431
Meg, as a girl, your
life holds no merit.
458
00:16:51,499 --> 00:16:53,667
And, Chris, try as you
may, you will never be
459
00:16:53,735 --> 00:16:55,535
as good as your older
brother who died.
460
00:16:55,603 --> 00:16:57,237
He was good at
sports and talking.
461
00:16:57,288 --> 00:16:59,156
Now, pardon me
while I look at scrimshaw
462
00:16:59,223 --> 00:17:00,924
through a magnifying glass.
463
00:17:00,992 --> 00:17:03,427
Ah, brave men all.
464
00:17:03,494 --> 00:17:05,395
Lost sons of New Bedford.
465
00:17:05,463 --> 00:17:07,064
That's good scrimshaw.
466
00:17:10,335 --> 00:17:12,736
Ah, I never thought
I'd be having high tea
467
00:17:12,804 --> 00:17:15,005
at the Park Barrington
every single day.
468
00:17:15,073 --> 00:17:17,774
Yes, it's nice to eat in a sea
of white faces, isn't it?
469
00:17:17,842 --> 00:17:21,111
Waiter, have the chef prepare
a bucket of your finest caviar,
470
00:17:21,179 --> 00:17:23,163
and then give it
a helicopter tour of the city.
471
00:17:23,231 --> 00:17:24,197
Very good, sir.
472
00:17:24,265 --> 00:17:25,732
Very good indeed.
473
00:17:25,800 --> 00:17:28,702
I hope it enjoys it as much as
that Maine lobster I ordered.
474
00:17:28,770 --> 00:17:31,171
And over there is the
Rhode Island State House,
475
00:17:31,239 --> 00:17:33,440
the second largest
self-supporting marble dome
476
00:17:33,508 --> 00:17:34,875
in North America.
477
00:17:34,942 --> 00:17:36,443
Why the
am I doing this?
478
00:17:36,511 --> 00:17:38,045
I could've just
said I did it.
479
00:17:38,112 --> 00:17:39,780
Sir, about
your bill...
480
00:17:39,831 --> 00:17:41,381
Oh, don't worry, Carstairs,
481
00:17:41,449 --> 00:17:43,517
there's ample gratuity
on there for you.
482
00:17:43,584 --> 00:17:44,885
Nyah.
483
00:17:44,952 --> 00:17:47,688
Well, actually, sir, your
card has been declined.
484
00:17:47,755 --> 00:17:49,122
Oh, really?
485
00:17:49,190 --> 00:17:51,541
Well, I'm sure a brief call
to my accountant
486
00:17:51,609 --> 00:17:53,744
will resolve this
to our mutual satisfaction.
487
00:17:55,713 --> 00:17:56,980
Hello, Schnozzenstein?
488
00:17:57,048 --> 00:17:58,382
This is Peter Griffin.
489
00:17:58,449 --> 00:18:00,384
There seems to be
some issue with our credit.
490
00:18:00,451 --> 00:18:03,253
I told Carstairs
you'd set everything straight.
491
00:18:03,321 --> 00:18:04,755
What do you mean I'm broke?!
492
00:18:04,822 --> 00:18:07,107
What about all that money
I sent to the Gayman Islands?
493
00:18:07,175 --> 00:18:08,909
They did what with it?!
494
00:18:08,976 --> 00:18:11,011
No, I don't want it back!
495
00:18:11,079 --> 00:18:12,729
I'm gonna miss you,
Carstairs.
496
00:18:12,797 --> 00:18:15,265
I shall miss
you, too, sir.
497
00:18:15,333 --> 00:18:16,950
With no one to look after,
498
00:18:17,017 --> 00:18:18,785
Carstairs fell into
a deep depression
499
00:18:18,853 --> 00:18:20,554
from which he never emerged.
500
00:18:20,621 --> 00:18:22,389
He died two weeks later.
501
00:18:22,457 --> 00:18:24,024
Some say of a broken heart.
502
00:18:24,092 --> 00:18:25,025
What, sir?
503
00:18:25,093 --> 00:18:26,326
But that was Carstairs.
504
00:18:29,897 --> 00:18:31,381
I can't believe it.
505
00:18:31,449 --> 00:18:32,716
We lost everything.
506
00:18:32,784 --> 00:18:34,317
What do we do now?
507
00:18:34,385 --> 00:18:36,586
Well, seems like our
only hope is the lottery.
508
00:18:36,654 --> 00:18:39,723
Holy (bleep), we won twice and
we're right back here again.
509
00:18:39,791 --> 00:18:43,160
We had $150 million, and
we blew through it in a month.
510
00:18:43,227 --> 00:18:45,345
Yeah, but on the bright side,
if this hadn't happened,
511
00:18:45,413 --> 00:18:46,480
we never would've met Kyle.
512
00:18:46,547 --> 00:18:48,148
Hey.
513
00:18:48,216 --> 00:18:49,182
Hello. Hey there.
Hi. What's up?
514
00:18:49,250 --> 00:18:50,751
And that's not even Kyle.
515
00:18:50,818 --> 00:18:52,285
Peter, we can't
live like this.
516
00:18:52,353 --> 00:18:54,004
Well, what are we
supposed to do, Lois?
517
00:18:54,072 --> 00:18:55,205
Everything we
had is gone!
518
00:18:55,273 --> 00:18:56,823
We have friends, Peter.
519
00:18:56,891 --> 00:18:58,108
Not anymore, we don't.
520
00:18:58,176 --> 00:18:59,342
They're good people.
521
00:18:59,410 --> 00:19:00,444
They'll listen.
522
00:19:00,511 --> 00:19:02,145
And they'll care
what happens to us,
523
00:19:02,213 --> 00:19:04,915
even after everything
that's happened.
524
00:19:04,982 --> 00:19:07,217
You know, I'm still young
enough you can drop me
525
00:19:07,285 --> 00:19:09,052
at the fire station,
no questions asked.
526
00:19:17,128 --> 00:19:19,429
Well, well.
Look who it is.
527
00:19:19,497 --> 00:19:20,397
Who is it?
528
00:19:20,465 --> 00:19:21,515
It's me, Peter.
529
00:19:21,582 --> 00:19:22,449
I'm standing
right here.
530
00:19:22,517 --> 00:19:23,950
This is a glass eye, Peter.
531
00:19:24,018 --> 00:19:25,719
They had to remove
the one you shot.
532
00:19:25,787 --> 00:19:28,188
Oh, boy, that whole
day was a mess, huh?
533
00:19:28,256 --> 00:19:29,956
What happened to you, anyway?
You look terrible.
534
00:19:30,024 --> 00:19:32,392
Look, you guys,
I messed up bad.
535
00:19:32,460 --> 00:19:34,394
Winning the lottery
was the worst thing
536
00:19:34,462 --> 00:19:36,296
that ever happened
to me and my family.
537
00:19:36,364 --> 00:19:38,832
I thought being rich
would solve all my problems,
538
00:19:38,900 --> 00:19:41,935
but all it did was make me
forget what was important.
539
00:19:42,003 --> 00:19:44,070
Like who my real friends are.
540
00:19:44,122 --> 00:19:45,822
I don't expect
you to forgive me,
541
00:19:45,907 --> 00:19:49,409
but if, for some reason, you do,
you can find me
542
00:19:49,460 --> 00:19:52,111
in a cardboard box on the corner
of Meeting and Thayer.
543
00:19:53,931 --> 00:19:55,165
Peter, wait.
544
00:19:56,834 --> 00:19:58,718
That corner's
a bit of a hike for me.
545
00:19:58,786 --> 00:20:00,303
I'd rather just
come see you at home.
546
00:20:02,857 --> 00:20:05,158
What-- where'd you get
this kind of money?
547
00:20:05,226 --> 00:20:07,727
The penis enlargement pill you
gave me the startup money for.
548
00:20:07,795 --> 00:20:09,246
It turned a pretty nice profit.
549
00:20:09,313 --> 00:20:11,681
I guess it's only fair
that I give you my percentage
550
00:20:11,749 --> 00:20:13,400
so you can get your house back.
551
00:20:13,468 --> 00:20:17,170
Quagmire, I don't know
what to say.
552
00:20:17,238 --> 00:20:18,305
Thank you.
553
00:20:18,372 --> 00:20:19,689
You're welcome.
554
00:20:19,757 --> 00:20:21,708
And if it makes you feel better,
it was money well spent.
555
00:20:21,776 --> 00:20:23,260
Just ask Sandra
the waitress over there.
556
00:20:23,327 --> 00:20:24,878
We had a great time
last night.
557
00:20:24,946 --> 00:20:26,513
Tough girl.
558
00:20:26,581 --> 00:20:27,881
Made it into work.
559
00:20:30,852 --> 00:20:32,919
Boy, I got to say,
it's good to be home.
560
00:20:32,987 --> 00:20:34,754
Yeah. Despite all
the ups and downs,
561
00:20:34,822 --> 00:20:36,389
things turned out for the best.
562
00:20:36,457 --> 00:20:39,059
I mean, really, we're no worse
off than we were before.
563
00:20:39,126 --> 00:20:40,727
Plus, we learned something.
564
00:20:40,795 --> 00:20:42,562
And you can't
put a price on that.
565
00:20:42,630 --> 00:20:43,964
Look, Lois, we all know
what happened.
566
00:20:44,031 --> 00:20:45,164
We're all depressed.
567
00:20:45,216 --> 00:20:46,883
All right, let's just
go to different rooms
568
00:20:46,951 --> 00:20:48,785
and stare blankly
out the window, saying nothing.
569
00:20:48,853 --> 00:20:52,853
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
570
00:20:56,861 --> 00:20:58,879
Congratulations to
tonight's sweepstakes winner,
571
00:20:58,896 --> 00:21:00,831
Daniel San Martin Marrero.
572
00:21:00,898 --> 00:21:02,032
Shapes.
Shut up.