1 00:00:01,195 --> 00:00:04,385 ♪ It seems today that all you see ♪ 2 00:00:04,410 --> 00:00:07,724 ♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪ 3 00:00:07,816 --> 00:00:10,885 ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ 4 00:00:10,936 --> 00:00:13,855 ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪ 5 00:00:13,906 --> 00:00:17,775 ♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪ 6 00:00:17,860 --> 00:00:20,728 ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ 7 00:00:21,282 --> 00:00:22,816 ♪ All the things that make us ♪ 8 00:00:22,931 --> 00:00:24,231 ♪ Laugh and cry ♪ 9 00:00:24,299 --> 00:00:29,612 ♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪ 10 00:00:29,637 --> 00:00:33,137 ♪ Family Guy 10x03 ♪ Screams of Silence: The Story of Brenda Q Original Air Date on October 30, 2011 11 00:00:33,138 --> 00:00:36,638 == sync, corrected by elderman == 12 00:00:37,325 --> 00:00:39,126 Good morning! 13 00:00:39,160 --> 00:00:40,994 Is what normal families say. 14 00:00:41,062 --> 00:00:42,880 Lois, I'll take my breakfast to go. 15 00:00:42,931 --> 00:00:44,548 I'm going fishing with the fellas. 16 00:00:44,616 --> 00:00:46,250 Peter, I thought we were going to have 17 00:00:46,317 --> 00:00:47,551 some family time this weekend. 18 00:00:47,619 --> 00:00:48,852 You're going fishing again? 19 00:00:48,920 --> 00:00:50,287 Yes, Lois. I love fishing. 20 00:00:50,355 --> 00:00:52,222 Remember, fishing was my not-at-all-memorable job 21 00:00:52,290 --> 00:00:53,774 for two years? - No. 22 00:00:53,841 --> 00:00:55,475 You don't remember my fishing boat? 23 00:00:55,560 --> 00:00:57,010 You don't remember Santos and Pasqual? 24 00:00:57,078 --> 00:00:58,261 Not even a little. 25 00:00:58,313 --> 00:00:59,580 They were like male Consuelas. 26 00:00:59,647 --> 00:01:01,765 It was a mistake making 'em Portuguese, though. 27 00:01:01,816 --> 00:01:03,650 People don't even know what a Portuguese is. 28 00:01:05,403 --> 00:01:08,071 That's what I thought a Portuguese was. 29 00:01:08,122 --> 00:01:10,374 Me and my brain, huh? 30 00:01:10,441 --> 00:01:12,342 And we're just getting started! 31 00:01:15,330 --> 00:01:18,165 Boy, it's not like Quagmire to be this late. 32 00:01:18,249 --> 00:01:21,001 Yeah. 33 00:01:21,085 --> 00:01:22,452 Jeez, I've never tried 34 00:01:22,503 --> 00:01:24,171 to make conversation with just Joe before. 35 00:01:24,255 --> 00:01:25,839 This is brutal. 36 00:01:25,907 --> 00:01:27,708 Come on, Joe, you're losing him. 37 00:01:27,775 --> 00:01:28,942 Think of something. 38 00:01:29,010 --> 00:01:30,460 This was your shot. 39 00:01:30,528 --> 00:01:33,313 Two thirds of the planet is water. 40 00:01:33,381 --> 00:01:34,932 Yeah. 41 00:01:34,983 --> 00:01:37,284 Two thirds of the planet is water? 44 00:01:41,055 --> 00:01:43,323 we should probably go find out what's keeping Quagmire. 45 00:01:43,391 --> 00:01:44,575 Yeah, I guess you're right. 46 00:01:44,642 --> 00:01:46,460 And you know, Joe, uh, I was thinking. 47 00:01:46,527 --> 00:01:48,996 Maybe one night we get dinner, just the two of us. 48 00:01:49,063 --> 00:01:50,197 I would like that. 49 00:01:53,551 --> 00:01:54,751 Hey, Quagmire? 50 00:01:54,819 --> 00:01:56,753 You in there? 51 00:01:58,323 --> 00:01:59,990 Holy crap! 52 00:02:00,041 --> 00:02:01,375 Oh, my God! 53 00:02:01,459 --> 00:02:04,044 He must have autoerotically asphyxiated himself! 54 00:02:04,112 --> 00:02:06,346 Yeah, while he was watching clown porn. 55 00:02:06,414 --> 00:02:08,081 Oh, yeah, baby. 56 00:02:08,149 --> 00:02:10,684 Oh yeah, baby! You make me so horny! 57 00:02:11,886 --> 00:02:14,004 Come on, help me get him down! 58 00:02:18,326 --> 00:02:19,660 Peter, he's still alive! 59 00:02:19,727 --> 00:02:21,728 We got to get him to a hospital! 60 00:02:21,796 --> 00:02:24,064 All right, but let's just watch the end of this clown porn first. 61 00:02:31,539 --> 00:02:34,024 Oh, Peter, we came as soon as we heard. 62 00:02:34,092 --> 00:02:35,225 How is he? 63 00:02:35,293 --> 00:02:36,760 He's in a coma, Lois. 64 00:02:36,828 --> 00:02:38,996 My God, what the hell happened? 65 00:02:39,047 --> 00:02:41,982 He hung himself during autoerotic asphyxiation. 66 00:02:42,050 --> 00:02:44,117 Just goes to show anything can be dangerous. 67 00:02:44,185 --> 00:02:45,819 Is his family here? 68 00:02:45,887 --> 00:02:48,138 His sister Brenda is coming with her boyfriend, Jeff. 69 00:02:48,206 --> 00:02:49,790 Oh, my God, not that guy. 70 00:02:49,857 --> 00:02:51,375 Is she still with him? 71 00:02:51,442 --> 00:02:53,043 Isn't he the one that beats her? 72 00:02:53,111 --> 00:02:54,544 Yeah, but she's gotten a lot better. 73 00:02:57,148 --> 00:02:59,049 All right, on the way back, 74 00:02:59,117 --> 00:03:01,818 I get to pick the radio station, because that was awful. 75 00:03:01,886 --> 00:03:04,354 I know, yeah, it was, I'm sorry. 76 00:03:04,422 --> 00:03:06,289 Oh, God, I just... I hope Glenn's okay. 77 00:03:06,357 --> 00:03:07,524 I'm so worried about him. 78 00:03:07,592 --> 00:03:08,959 Shut up and limp! 79 00:03:09,027 --> 00:03:10,560 We're in a handicapped spot, you slut! 80 00:03:13,715 --> 00:03:15,248 Well, Miss Quagmire, 81 00:03:15,316 --> 00:03:16,850 your brother Glenn is lucky to be alive. 82 00:03:16,918 --> 00:03:20,921 You know, we're all lucky to be alive on such a beautiful day. 83 00:03:20,988 --> 00:03:23,857 In fact, nurse-- all surgeries are outside today. 84 00:03:23,925 --> 00:03:25,842 You know, when we were kids, 85 00:03:25,910 --> 00:03:28,328 our mother used to sing a song when we were sad. 86 00:03:28,396 --> 00:03:29,946 Maybe that'll help now. 87 00:03:30,014 --> 00:03:32,249 Come on, Brenda, a stupid nursery rhyme 88 00:03:32,316 --> 00:03:34,651 isn't going to wake him up, especially the way you sing. 89 00:03:34,719 --> 00:03:35,936 Right, man? 90 00:03:36,003 --> 00:03:37,504 Gyaaaa. 91 00:03:37,572 --> 00:03:41,892 ♪ Glenn, don't die from autoerotic asphyxiation ♪ 92 00:03:41,943 --> 00:03:45,028 ♪ Your friends want to go fishing with you... ♪ 93 00:03:45,096 --> 00:03:46,596 This song is from childhood? 94 00:03:46,647 --> 00:03:52,652 ♪ Live to see tomorrow, October 31, 2011. ♪ 95 00:03:55,373 --> 00:03:57,340 Where am I? 96 00:03:57,408 --> 00:03:58,375 What happened? 97 00:03:58,443 --> 00:03:59,743 Oh, Glenn! 98 00:03:59,811 --> 00:04:01,545 Oh, thank God you're all right! 99 00:04:01,612 --> 00:04:03,096 Hey, you touching my girl?! 100 00:04:03,164 --> 00:04:04,231 Relax, Jeff. That's her brother. 101 00:04:04,298 --> 00:04:05,599 Yeah, that's how it starts. 102 00:04:05,666 --> 00:04:07,768 Come on, Brenda, we got to get out of here. 103 00:04:07,835 --> 00:04:08,919 I need cigarettes and jeans. 104 00:04:13,825 --> 00:04:16,093 Oh, thanks, you guys, for all your help through this. 105 00:04:16,160 --> 00:04:18,762 Oh, Glenn, we're just so glad you're all right. 106 00:04:18,813 --> 00:04:20,397 And Jeff and I are happy to stay here with you 107 00:04:20,464 --> 00:04:22,065 for as long as you need. 108 00:04:22,133 --> 00:04:24,184 Fine, then you call my cousin Terry 109 00:04:24,252 --> 00:04:26,603 and tell him we're not going to be at his karate recital! 110 00:04:26,671 --> 00:04:28,472 Well, Jeff, he is my brother. 111 00:04:28,539 --> 00:04:31,141 Why do you always got to remind me I didn't finish high school? 112 00:04:31,209 --> 00:04:34,778 Well, listen, how about I make us all some dinner, huh? 113 00:04:34,846 --> 00:04:35,946 Come here! 114 00:04:38,366 --> 00:04:39,666 You fat, ugly bitch! 115 00:04:39,734 --> 00:04:41,301 If today wasn't your birthday... 116 00:04:41,369 --> 00:04:42,969 Jeff! Please, you're being... 117 00:04:43,037 --> 00:04:44,471 What?! What am I being?! 118 00:04:44,539 --> 00:04:45,906 Crazy?! Unemployed?! 119 00:04:45,973 --> 00:04:48,275 Why don't you call the cops like you did on Christmas?! 120 00:04:48,342 --> 00:04:50,410 I-I-I didn't call them! They were called! 121 00:04:50,478 --> 00:04:53,346 Oh, now you're calling me a liar in front of this cat?! 122 00:04:53,414 --> 00:04:54,581 I got another cat. 123 00:05:00,277 --> 00:05:02,946 Aw, that yellow lab looks like it's dying. 124 00:05:02,979 --> 00:05:04,213 Peter, that's Gwyneth Paltrow. 125 00:05:04,281 --> 00:05:05,381 She's fine. 126 00:05:05,448 --> 00:05:07,066 Look, turn off the light. 127 00:05:07,133 --> 00:05:09,835 I just want to get to sleep and put this ugly night behind us. 128 00:05:09,903 --> 00:05:12,271 All that unpleasantness with Brenda and Jeff 129 00:05:12,339 --> 00:05:13,572 was more than I can handle. 130 00:05:13,640 --> 00:05:15,074 It's no big deal, Lois. 131 00:05:15,141 --> 00:05:16,531 We probably just caught 'em on an off night. 132 00:05:16,532 --> 00:05:17,992 Where do you get off calling me a deadbeat 133 00:05:18,017 --> 00:05:19,217 in front of your brother?! 134 00:05:19,829 --> 00:05:22,198 No, Jeff, a-a-all I said was that you were in between jobs! 135 00:05:22,265 --> 00:05:24,099 Well, it wouldn't matter 136 00:05:24,167 --> 00:05:25,701 if you'd just pick up that night shift at the prison! 137 00:05:25,769 --> 00:05:28,237 But then I'll be working a hundred hours a week. 138 00:05:28,305 --> 00:05:29,455 So what?! 139 00:05:29,506 --> 00:05:31,957 I need money for motor oil and wallet chains! 140 00:05:32,008 --> 00:05:34,260 Okay, I'll ask about it Monday. 141 00:05:34,327 --> 00:05:35,827 Can I put my nightgown back on? 142 00:05:35,879 --> 00:05:38,247 No, I'm not done drawing! 143 00:05:45,155 --> 00:05:47,223 Hey, Peter. 144 00:05:47,290 --> 00:05:49,024 Geez, Quagmire, you look terrible. 145 00:05:49,092 --> 00:05:51,610 Oh, I didn't get any sleep. 146 00:05:51,678 --> 00:05:52,878 Hi, Glenn. How are you? 147 00:05:52,946 --> 00:05:54,313 Not great, Lois. 148 00:05:54,381 --> 00:05:56,732 I'm stuck in the middle of some bad stuff with my sister. 149 00:05:56,816 --> 00:05:59,151 I know, it sounded like there was quite a ruckus going on 150 00:05:59,219 --> 00:06:00,853 over there last night. 151 00:06:00,921 --> 00:06:02,605 That Jeff seems like kind of a monster. 152 00:06:02,672 --> 00:06:04,940 Yeah, that guy's scary as an Iraq Lobster. 153 00:06:10,497 --> 00:06:11,797 ♪ Death to America ♪ 154 00:06:13,300 --> 00:06:14,533 ♪ And butter sauce ♪ 155 00:06:15,752 --> 00:06:16,902 ♪ Don't boil me ♪ 156 00:06:18,338 --> 00:06:20,506 ♪ I'm still alive ♪ 157 00:06:20,574 --> 00:06:21,807 ♪ Iraq Lobster ♪ 158 00:06:25,679 --> 00:06:27,746 ♪ Iraq Lobster. ♪ 159 00:06:31,618 --> 00:06:33,953 I've tried talking to Brenda about leaving him, 160 00:06:34,020 --> 00:06:35,621 but I haven't gotten anywhere. 161 00:06:35,689 --> 00:06:37,756 I was actually hoping you could talk to her, Lois. 162 00:06:37,824 --> 00:06:40,492 She might open up more to you, you know, 'cause you're a woman. 163 00:06:40,560 --> 00:06:43,095 - Me? - Yeah, would you mind at least trying? 164 00:06:43,163 --> 00:06:45,564 Well, I guess she does need someone to talk to. 165 00:06:45,632 --> 00:06:47,082 Well, let's hope she's good at talking 166 00:06:47,150 --> 00:06:48,934 'cause we know she doesn't listen so good. 167 00:06:49,002 --> 00:06:50,436 That... we know. 168 00:06:53,139 --> 00:06:55,474 You know, Brenda, I'm glad we could get together. 169 00:06:55,542 --> 00:06:56,775 Me, too, Lois. 170 00:06:56,843 --> 00:06:58,644 It's nice to have a girlfriend to chat with. 171 00:06:58,712 --> 00:07:00,112 Don't you have any back home? 172 00:07:00,180 --> 00:07:02,147 Oh, no. Jeff would never allow that. 173 00:07:02,215 --> 00:07:03,599 You know, that's kind of what 174 00:07:03,667 --> 00:07:05,467 I want to talk to you about, Brenda. 175 00:07:05,535 --> 00:07:07,069 Do you mind taking off your sunglasses? 176 00:07:09,823 --> 00:07:11,256 Oh, my God. 177 00:07:11,324 --> 00:07:13,125 No, i-it's really not that bad. 178 00:07:13,193 --> 00:07:14,727 It only hurts when I see. 179 00:07:14,794 --> 00:07:16,395 You know, you don't have to stay with a man 180 00:07:16,463 --> 00:07:17,863 who treats you that way. 181 00:07:17,930 --> 00:07:19,882 Oh, Jeff's sweet. 182 00:07:19,949 --> 00:07:22,718 You don't see how soft and gentle he hits me when we're alone. 183 00:07:22,786 --> 00:07:24,153 Do you hear yourself? 184 00:07:24,220 --> 00:07:25,888 He shouldn't be hitting you at all. 185 00:07:25,955 --> 00:07:28,357 I don't think you understand how serious a matter... 186 00:07:28,425 --> 00:07:29,875 Close your menu. What? 187 00:07:29,943 --> 00:07:31,960 Close your menu, so they know we're ready to order. 188 00:07:32,028 --> 00:07:33,212 I'll give you another moment. 189 00:07:33,279 --> 00:07:34,496 Damn it. 190 00:07:34,564 --> 00:07:37,249 I'm sorry. Oh, shoot. 191 00:07:37,317 --> 00:07:39,251 See, this is why Jeff corrects me all the time. 192 00:07:39,319 --> 00:07:40,736 Corrects you? 193 00:07:40,804 --> 00:07:43,072 Brenda, he's not correcting you, he's beating you! 194 00:07:43,139 --> 00:07:45,674 Well, I-I-I can see why you'd think that 195 00:07:45,742 --> 00:07:47,409 'cause of the punches and all, 196 00:07:47,477 --> 00:07:50,045 but it's just that Jeff's been so angry about immigrants. 197 00:07:50,113 --> 00:07:51,380 What?! 198 00:07:51,448 --> 00:07:53,482 It'll be better when he gets back to work. 199 00:07:53,550 --> 00:07:55,501 Our relationship is just complicated, that's all. 200 00:07:55,568 --> 00:07:57,936 No, Brenda, it's not complicated. 201 00:07:58,004 --> 00:07:59,405 Trying to get a straight answer 202 00:07:59,472 --> 00:08:01,640 out of a 23-year-old girl is complicated. 203 00:08:01,708 --> 00:08:03,525 So, do you want to go out some time? 204 00:08:03,593 --> 00:08:05,961 Out like, go out or hang out or just do something? 205 00:08:06,029 --> 00:08:07,262 Like a date. 206 00:08:07,330 --> 00:08:08,697 Like a date date? Or like a date? 207 00:08:08,765 --> 00:08:10,416 Both, I... I guess. 208 00:08:10,483 --> 00:08:12,334 Yeah, sure, maybe. I don't know. Yes, no. 209 00:08:12,419 --> 00:08:14,119 Here's the first three digits of my phone number. 210 00:08:14,187 --> 00:08:15,688 E-mail me. 211 00:08:18,858 --> 00:08:20,125 Joe, the guy's a menace. 212 00:08:20,193 --> 00:08:22,010 They've been with me three days now, 213 00:08:22,078 --> 00:08:24,313 and all he does is beat her day and night. 214 00:08:24,381 --> 00:08:25,964 And on top of that, they say they don't need 215 00:08:26,015 --> 00:08:27,516 to be entertained, but then they're always like, 216 00:08:27,584 --> 00:08:28,967 "Hey, so what're we doing? What's next?" 217 00:08:29,018 --> 00:08:30,969 Hey, Joe, can't you... can't you just arrest the guy? 218 00:08:31,020 --> 00:08:32,621 I can't arrest Jeff 219 00:08:32,689 --> 00:08:35,190 unless Brenda files a formal complaint with the police. 220 00:08:35,258 --> 00:08:36,492 She won't go to the police. 221 00:08:36,559 --> 00:08:38,660 She's afraid of what Jeff will do. 222 00:08:38,728 --> 00:08:40,028 And to be honest, I don't blame her. 223 00:08:40,096 --> 00:08:41,880 I mean, w-w-what happens if one of these nights, 224 00:08:41,948 --> 00:08:43,215 he hits her so hard he kills her? 225 00:08:43,283 --> 00:08:44,683 Sorry, Quagmire. 226 00:08:44,751 --> 00:08:47,920 Police policy, we can't step in until it's too late. 227 00:08:47,987 --> 00:08:50,055 But if I were you, I'd set up an intervention. 228 00:08:50,123 --> 00:08:51,290 What's that? 229 00:08:51,357 --> 00:08:53,092 It's like a surprise birthday party, 230 00:08:53,159 --> 00:08:55,994 but instead of cake and presents, there's angry letters 231 00:08:56,062 --> 00:08:57,296 and someone who inappropriately tries 232 00:08:57,363 --> 00:08:58,630 to make it about themselves. 233 00:08:58,698 --> 00:09:00,199 Aw, that sounds great! 234 00:09:00,266 --> 00:09:02,000 I bet I would really shine at one of those. 235 00:09:04,771 --> 00:09:06,972 All right, well, first we want to thank you all 236 00:09:07,040 --> 00:09:08,640 for being here for Brenda. 237 00:09:08,708 --> 00:09:10,509 Now, I know it's going to be a long day, 238 00:09:10,577 --> 00:09:13,796 but we're all here because we care about her very much. 239 00:09:13,863 --> 00:09:15,297 What the... what's going on? 240 00:09:15,365 --> 00:09:16,548 What's all this? 241 00:09:16,599 --> 00:09:18,484 Brenda, this is an intervention. 242 00:09:18,551 --> 00:09:20,853 A lot of us don't like how Jeff's been treating you. 243 00:09:20,920 --> 00:09:22,654 So we're going to say a few things, 244 00:09:22,722 --> 00:09:25,090 and then you'll say a few things, and then we'll be done. 245 00:09:25,158 --> 00:09:26,258 Sound good? 246 00:09:26,326 --> 00:09:27,726 Um... I guess. 247 00:09:27,794 --> 00:09:30,496 All right, so we're going to go around the room and tell you 248 00:09:30,563 --> 00:09:32,681 exactly how your situation has affected each of us. 249 00:09:32,749 --> 00:09:34,183 Meg? 250 00:09:34,250 --> 00:09:37,619 I feel like if he likes you, maybe you can change him. 251 00:09:37,687 --> 00:09:39,121 Okay, maybe she wasn't the one to start with. 252 00:09:39,189 --> 00:09:40,272 Caleb? 253 00:09:43,109 --> 00:09:45,444 Caleb, you want to go ahead? 254 00:09:45,512 --> 00:09:47,095 M... M... me? 255 00:09:47,163 --> 00:09:48,163 Yeah, go ahead. 256 00:09:48,231 --> 00:09:50,482 Uh... It's Chris. 257 00:09:50,550 --> 00:09:52,117 Y-You don't know my name? 258 00:09:52,185 --> 00:09:53,952 All right, this isn't off to a flying start. 259 00:09:54,020 --> 00:09:55,554 Peter, why don't you go ahead? 260 00:09:55,622 --> 00:09:57,723 So, you like getting beaten, huh? 261 00:09:57,791 --> 00:09:59,992 Well, why don't you smoke a whole carton of cigarettes! 262 00:10:00,059 --> 00:10:01,810 Look, I know what you guys are trying to do, 263 00:10:01,895 --> 00:10:03,362 but Jeff and I are fine. 264 00:10:03,429 --> 00:10:05,898 No, Brenda, you're not fine, okay? 265 00:10:05,965 --> 00:10:08,283 Please, I'd like to say something, if I may. 266 00:10:09,719 --> 00:10:13,605 "Brenda, the fact that you are being abused 267 00:10:13,656 --> 00:10:16,325 "has affected my life in the following ways: 268 00:10:16,409 --> 00:10:19,110 "The sister that I knew and loved growing up 269 00:10:19,162 --> 00:10:21,630 "no longer exists. 270 00:10:21,714 --> 00:10:25,250 "The person I see before me now is just a punching bag. 271 00:10:25,301 --> 00:10:28,387 "And I call you 'person' and not 'woman' 272 00:10:28,454 --> 00:10:31,473 "because a woman is a strong, beautiful, vibrant creature. 273 00:10:31,558 --> 00:10:33,926 "A woman embraces life. 274 00:10:33,977 --> 00:10:36,662 "A woman makes choices to make her life better. 275 00:10:36,729 --> 00:10:40,966 "Sadly, the fact that you are with Jeff, proves to me 276 00:10:41,034 --> 00:10:45,470 that you have made a choice to make your life worse." 277 00:10:45,538 --> 00:10:48,106 I-I want the girl I grew up with back. 278 00:10:48,174 --> 00:10:52,528 I want... I want my sister back. 279 00:10:52,612 --> 00:10:55,831 Brenda, I love you. 280 00:10:55,915 --> 00:10:57,933 Please make the right decision. 281 00:10:58,001 --> 00:10:59,868 Which is a perfect time for me to tell my jokes. 282 00:10:59,953 --> 00:11:01,152 Peter! 283 00:11:01,204 --> 00:11:02,588 And I will save them for the end. 284 00:11:06,159 --> 00:11:08,861 Glenn, I am so lucky 285 00:11:08,928 --> 00:11:12,631 to have such a wonderful, loving brother like you. 286 00:11:17,103 --> 00:11:19,972 So, are you gonna leave him? 287 00:11:20,023 --> 00:11:22,140 Oh, there you are! 288 00:11:22,191 --> 00:11:24,693 Hey, give me some money! I saw a cool bandana. 289 00:11:24,761 --> 00:11:26,461 What the hell's going on here?! 290 00:11:26,529 --> 00:11:28,697 Listen here, you bully! For your information, 291 00:11:28,765 --> 00:11:30,065 Brenda just agreed to leave you! 292 00:11:30,133 --> 00:11:31,683 Like hell she did. 293 00:11:31,751 --> 00:11:32,718 Brenda, you tell 'em? 294 00:11:32,785 --> 00:11:34,219 No, not yet. 295 00:11:34,287 --> 00:11:36,955 Everyone... I have wonderful news. 296 00:11:37,023 --> 00:11:39,424 Jeff and I are getting married. 297 00:11:40,627 --> 00:11:41,910 I'd show you the ring, 298 00:11:41,978 --> 00:11:43,528 but it's under the splint. 299 00:11:43,596 --> 00:11:45,297 My finger fell down the stairs. 300 00:11:45,365 --> 00:11:46,865 You're getting married?! 301 00:11:46,933 --> 00:11:48,750 Yeah, but only 'cause she's pregnant. 302 00:11:48,835 --> 00:11:49,935 Pregnant?! 303 00:11:50,003 --> 00:11:52,354 Oh, congratulations! 304 00:11:52,422 --> 00:11:54,039 Have you thought of any names yet? 305 00:11:54,107 --> 00:11:55,841 Maybe... maybe "Slappy"? 306 00:11:55,909 --> 00:11:57,342 Or-or "Bruisey"? 307 00:11:57,410 --> 00:11:59,077 Or "Keep-It-Down- In-There-sy"? 308 00:12:04,754 --> 00:12:06,655 Guys, what the hell am I gonna do? 309 00:12:06,699 --> 00:12:07,833 She can't marry that bastard. 310 00:12:07,900 --> 00:12:09,301 He's just gonna keep beatin' her, 311 00:12:09,369 --> 00:12:11,236 and then he's gonna beat the kid, too! 312 00:12:11,304 --> 00:12:13,739 God, I wish she'd never met Jeffrey Fecalman. 313 00:12:13,806 --> 00:12:15,574 You know, I was thinking... Wait, what? 314 00:12:15,641 --> 00:12:17,175 What? That's his name? 315 00:12:17,243 --> 00:12:19,077 Yeah. Huh-larious. 316 00:12:19,145 --> 00:12:20,812 But you know, I was thinking this afternoon, 317 00:12:20,880 --> 00:12:23,148 what the hell happened to the days when a guy does something 318 00:12:23,216 --> 00:12:26,501 like that to a girl, and a bunch of us guys get together 319 00:12:26,569 --> 00:12:28,970 and just go kick his (bleep) ass? 320 00:12:29,038 --> 00:12:30,939 Boy, that'd be satisfying. 321 00:12:31,007 --> 00:12:33,041 Well... why not? 322 00:12:33,109 --> 00:12:34,209 What do you mean? 323 00:12:34,277 --> 00:12:35,544 The three of us. 324 00:12:35,611 --> 00:12:37,479 We go over there and we do what's right; 325 00:12:37,547 --> 00:12:38,580 we kill the bastard. 326 00:12:38,648 --> 00:12:40,148 Whoa, whoa, Quagmire. 327 00:12:40,216 --> 00:12:42,517 You know, I could arrest you just for saying that. 328 00:12:42,585 --> 00:12:43,885 You know what else you can get arrested for? 329 00:12:43,953 --> 00:12:45,187 Soliciting a rooster. 330 00:12:45,254 --> 00:12:48,323 I don't know what this cock-a-doodle-doo thing is, 331 00:12:48,391 --> 00:12:50,592 but it sounds gay and it sounds scatological. 332 00:12:50,660 --> 00:12:52,227 I'm in. 333 00:12:52,295 --> 00:12:54,496 You're about to have a neat day. 334 00:12:54,564 --> 00:12:56,598 Quagmire, you're talking about murdering a guy. 335 00:12:56,666 --> 00:12:57,866 It doesn't matter 336 00:12:57,934 --> 00:12:59,868 what he's done, it's still murder. 337 00:12:59,936 --> 00:13:01,670 No, Joe, it does matter what he's done! 338 00:13:01,738 --> 00:13:03,705 These kinds of guys don't change. 339 00:13:03,773 --> 00:13:06,174 Y-you think they ever suddenly wake up and realize 340 00:13:06,242 --> 00:13:08,877 the error of their ways and clean up their act? No! 341 00:13:08,961 --> 00:13:10,395 They just keep ruining everyone's lives, 342 00:13:10,463 --> 00:13:12,314 and the world is better off without 'em. 343 00:13:12,381 --> 00:13:13,782 It's against the law, Quagmire, 344 00:13:13,850 --> 00:13:14,950 and that's the end of it. 345 00:13:18,121 --> 00:13:19,588 What the hell?! Did you change the channel 346 00:13:19,655 --> 00:13:21,156 while I was going to get a beer?! 347 00:13:21,224 --> 00:13:23,225 Oh, yeah, I-I'm sorry, honey, I just wanted 348 00:13:23,292 --> 00:13:24,476 to see who was on Letterman. 349 00:13:24,544 --> 00:13:26,078 We're watching Leno, you bitch! 350 00:13:26,145 --> 00:13:27,329 I'm so sorry! 351 00:13:27,396 --> 00:13:29,631 His soft, gentle humor connects effortlessly 352 00:13:29,699 --> 00:13:31,983 with my mainstream sensibilities! 353 00:13:34,220 --> 00:13:35,987 Let's waste this dick. 354 00:13:37,590 --> 00:13:39,791 Boy, everything's different now than it used to be, isn't it? 355 00:13:39,859 --> 00:13:42,394 You know, this morning I had a bowl of Fruity Pebbles cereal. 356 00:13:42,462 --> 00:13:44,429 Yeah, yeah. When I was a kid, they were boulders! 357 00:13:48,968 --> 00:13:51,119 Cereals do change. 358 00:13:51,187 --> 00:13:52,471 Oh, no, no. Here's something, here's something. 359 00:13:52,538 --> 00:13:53,655 Did you hear about this? 360 00:13:53,723 --> 00:13:55,240 Here's a bunch of words in a row: 361 00:13:55,308 --> 00:13:56,875 because the economy's so bad, 362 00:13:56,943 --> 00:13:58,560 they've decided they're gonna shut down all the prisons. 363 00:13:58,628 --> 00:14:00,162 Yeah, yeah. 364 00:14:00,229 --> 00:14:03,031 And-and they're gonna send all the inmates to Congress. 365 00:14:03,099 --> 00:14:05,250 I don't get that one! 366 00:14:09,288 --> 00:14:10,755 Hi, there, Jeff. 367 00:14:10,823 --> 00:14:12,357 Hey, what's going on, dudes? 368 00:14:12,408 --> 00:14:13,825 Brenda just fell. 369 00:14:13,893 --> 00:14:16,895 Get your lazy ass up and get my neighbors some beers! 370 00:14:16,963 --> 00:14:18,697 Actually, we don't have time, Jeff. 371 00:14:18,764 --> 00:14:20,532 We were just about to go on 372 00:14:20,600 --> 00:14:22,267 our annual midnight hunting trip. 373 00:14:22,335 --> 00:14:24,136 We thought you might want to join us. 374 00:14:24,203 --> 00:14:25,470 Yeah, what the hell. 375 00:14:25,538 --> 00:14:28,173 Go shoot some animals, that sounds like fun. 376 00:14:28,241 --> 00:14:30,575 Hey, it beats sitting at home watching Meg pop her zits. 377 00:14:42,138 --> 00:14:44,172 Okay, okay, who would you rather do? 378 00:14:44,240 --> 00:14:46,608 Dame Judi Dench with 30 minutes of kissing first 379 00:14:46,676 --> 00:14:50,412 or Eddie Izzard in drag, but he has a working vagina? 380 00:14:50,479 --> 00:14:52,414 Would Eddie Izzard tell others about it? 381 00:14:52,481 --> 00:14:54,166 Eddie Izzard is very discreet. 382 00:14:54,233 --> 00:14:55,400 Then that's your answer. 383 00:14:55,468 --> 00:14:57,485 You know, Quagmire, I gotta say, 384 00:14:57,553 --> 00:14:59,571 I was pretty surprised you wanted me to come along. 385 00:14:59,639 --> 00:15:01,506 I thought you hated my guts. 386 00:15:01,574 --> 00:15:02,891 Oh, come on, Jeff, 387 00:15:02,959 --> 00:15:04,492 I don't hate your guts. 388 00:15:04,560 --> 00:15:05,927 Well, then what the hell are we doing out here? 389 00:15:06,012 --> 00:15:07,612 I thought we were gonna kill... Ah! 390 00:15:07,680 --> 00:15:10,549 So, Jeff, do you like loud sentences?! 391 00:15:10,616 --> 00:15:11,533 I guess. 392 00:15:11,601 --> 00:15:13,768 I gotta take a whiz. 393 00:15:13,836 --> 00:15:15,453 All right, look, when he comes back, 394 00:15:15,521 --> 00:15:17,138 I'm just gonna do it, okay? 395 00:15:17,206 --> 00:15:19,157 I'm just gonna point my gun straight at his head 396 00:15:19,225 --> 00:15:20,525 before he even knows what's going on. 397 00:15:21,594 --> 00:15:23,195 Kinda like this? 398 00:15:23,262 --> 00:15:25,714 You know, Quagmire, you are pathetic. 399 00:15:25,781 --> 00:15:27,849 You have to bring your friends out here with you 400 00:15:27,917 --> 00:15:29,317 to do your dirty work? 401 00:15:29,385 --> 00:15:31,686 What... what do you mean, Jeff? 402 00:15:31,754 --> 00:15:33,388 You're gonna kill me, is that it? 403 00:15:35,291 --> 00:15:37,392 Uh-uh! 404 00:15:37,460 --> 00:15:38,627 Not unless you want 405 00:15:38,694 --> 00:15:40,528 your friend's brains all over the place! 406 00:15:40,613 --> 00:15:42,898 Listen, Jeff, just put the gun down 407 00:15:42,965 --> 00:15:44,799 and we'll forget this whole thing, okay? 408 00:15:47,186 --> 00:15:50,889 Oh. Well, that's never happened before. 409 00:15:50,957 --> 00:15:53,225 Kinda don't know what to do next. 410 00:15:53,292 --> 00:15:55,026 So now you'll forget the whole thing? 411 00:15:55,094 --> 00:15:57,195 Yeah, I, uh, guess that is what I said. 412 00:15:57,263 --> 00:15:58,847 No, no, we can't forget the whole thing! 413 00:15:58,931 --> 00:16:00,181 Yeah, you know, he's right. 414 00:16:00,266 --> 00:16:01,266 We can't forget it. 415 00:16:01,333 --> 00:16:03,184 Fine. Now here's the plan: 416 00:16:03,269 --> 00:16:05,687 I'm taking Quagmire for a little ride, 417 00:16:05,771 --> 00:16:08,907 and you guys are gonna stay out here and freeze to death! 418 00:16:08,975 --> 00:16:10,976 Now, get those hands where I can see 'em! 419 00:16:11,043 --> 00:16:13,395 All the way up! 420 00:16:13,479 --> 00:16:15,864 Oh, my shirt's a little too short. 421 00:16:15,932 --> 00:16:17,098 That's okay. You can keep 'em 422 00:16:17,166 --> 00:16:19,584 the way you had 'em so it covers your stomach. 423 00:16:19,652 --> 00:16:22,120 Thank you. You know, if this Jeff was around more, 424 00:16:22,188 --> 00:16:23,705 we wouldn't have tried to kill you. 425 00:16:23,773 --> 00:16:24,823 See you later, schmucks! 426 00:16:38,087 --> 00:16:39,871 All right, this is far enough. 427 00:16:49,899 --> 00:16:52,617 Well, Quagmire, sorry it had to end this way; 428 00:16:52,685 --> 00:16:54,819 a tragic hunting accident. 429 00:16:54,887 --> 00:16:57,622 I guess that little baby's gonna grow up without an uncle. 430 00:16:57,690 --> 00:16:59,057 Actually, I have a brother. 431 00:16:59,125 --> 00:17:00,759 Gary Quagmire. Oh. 432 00:17:00,826 --> 00:17:03,278 I think... I think you got a brother, too, don't you? 433 00:17:03,346 --> 00:17:04,546 All right, forget the uncle thing! 434 00:17:04,613 --> 00:17:07,182 Get ready to die, Quagmire. 435 00:17:07,249 --> 00:17:08,917 You know, if you had any balls, 436 00:17:08,985 --> 00:17:11,236 you'd put that gun down and we could settle this like men. 437 00:17:12,872 --> 00:17:15,957 That's awful big talk for a scrawny bastard like you. 438 00:17:16,025 --> 00:17:17,325 Hey, I'm serious, man. 439 00:17:17,393 --> 00:17:19,127 Unless you're scared I can take you. 440 00:17:19,195 --> 00:17:21,346 Suit yourself, man. 441 00:17:21,414 --> 00:17:23,932 Just means you're gonna die slower. 442 00:18:39,759 --> 00:18:41,626 What the hell?! I killed you! 443 00:18:43,079 --> 00:18:45,764 I choke myself every day, you bastard! 444 00:19:19,165 --> 00:19:21,015 Oh, oh, Glenn, there you are. 445 00:19:21,083 --> 00:19:24,219 Jeff didn't come home last night and he hasn't called. 446 00:19:24,286 --> 00:19:25,987 Uh, well, actually, about that, Brenda, 447 00:19:26,055 --> 00:19:28,022 he must've left early this morning. 448 00:19:28,090 --> 00:19:30,542 Yeah, we found this note he left you. 449 00:19:30,609 --> 00:19:33,812 "Dear Brenda, I have decided to leave you. 450 00:19:33,879 --> 00:19:35,980 "I realized that you are too good for me, 451 00:19:36,048 --> 00:19:38,249 "and you and our unborn child would be better off 452 00:19:38,317 --> 00:19:40,718 "without me in the picture. Love, Jeff. 453 00:19:40,786 --> 00:19:43,188 "P.S. If the cops ask, tell them 454 00:19:43,255 --> 00:19:45,957 "that Joe, Peter and Quagmire were with you last night. 455 00:19:46,025 --> 00:19:47,592 "If you tell anyone otherwise, 456 00:19:47,660 --> 00:19:50,929 "I will come back and not only hit you, but I will murder you. 457 00:19:50,996 --> 00:19:53,064 "And no one will care because you're garbage. 458 00:19:53,132 --> 00:19:55,834 And your baby is going to be a child of garbage." 459 00:19:55,901 --> 00:19:57,068 It's a little rough, Peter. 460 00:19:57,136 --> 00:19:58,570 I didn't write it. Joe did. 461 00:19:58,637 --> 00:20:00,004 I wanted it to sound real. 462 00:20:00,072 --> 00:20:01,673 It's gotta sound like he wrote it. 463 00:20:01,740 --> 00:20:03,775 Plus, she kinda is garbage, Quagmire. 464 00:20:03,843 --> 00:20:06,277 "Well, I best be rolling on now." 465 00:20:06,345 --> 00:20:08,313 Oh, come on! Who says that?! 466 00:20:08,380 --> 00:20:09,481 It's an expression. 467 00:20:09,548 --> 00:20:10,482 Yeah, if you're in a wheelchair. 468 00:20:10,549 --> 00:20:11,516 Listen, you had your chance. 469 00:20:11,584 --> 00:20:13,017 I e-mailed it to both of you. 470 00:20:13,085 --> 00:20:14,319 You wrote back "Looks fine." 471 00:20:14,386 --> 00:20:16,204 And you just added that part about Grape Ape. 472 00:20:16,272 --> 00:20:19,073 "P.P.S. I really love Grape Ape. 473 00:20:19,141 --> 00:20:20,108 The end." 474 00:20:20,176 --> 00:20:22,210 Wow. 475 00:20:22,278 --> 00:20:24,612 I guess he's really gone. 476 00:20:24,680 --> 00:20:28,680 == sync, corrected by elderman == 477 00:20:32,087 --> 00:20:33,788 I kinda want to kill somebody else now. 478 00:20:33,856 --> 00:20:34,889 Ooh, Mort!