1 00:00:01,282 --> 00:00:04,350 ♪ It seems today that all you see ♪ 2 00:00:04,418 --> 00:00:07,754 ♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪ 3 00:00:08,035 --> 00:00:11,103 ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ 4 00:00:11,170 --> 00:00:14,071 ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪ 5 00:00:14,139 --> 00:00:18,008 ♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪ 6 00:00:18,075 --> 00:00:20,944 ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ 7 00:00:21,011 --> 00:00:22,545 ♪ All the things that make us ♪ 8 00:00:22,613 --> 00:00:23,914 ♪ Laugh and cry ♪ 9 00:00:23,981 --> 00:00:26,231 ♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪ 10 00:00:26,232 --> 00:00:29,232 ♪ Family Guy 10x06 ♪ Thanksgiving Original Air Date on November 20, 2011 11 00:00:29,257 --> 00:00:32,257 == sync, corrected by elderman == 12 00:00:35,126 --> 00:00:36,961 And we're back with our coverage 13 00:00:37,028 --> 00:00:38,495 of the Quahog Thanksgiving Day Parade. 14 00:00:38,563 --> 00:00:39,847 Happy Turkey Day, Quahog. 15 00:00:39,914 --> 00:00:41,615 This is Tom Tucker and Joyce Kinney 16 00:00:41,683 --> 00:00:42,850 live at the parade. 17 00:00:42,917 --> 00:00:45,019 We've got some on-and-off drizzle here today, 18 00:00:45,086 --> 00:00:46,754 and we're a little w, as you can see, 19 00:00:46,821 --> 00:00:49,886 because, apparently, there are no awnings that exist anywhere. 20 00:00:50,289 --> 00:00:51,813 There's your top news story right there. 21 00:00:51,814 --> 00:00:54,349 Mysterious awning shortage ravages the Northeast, 22 00:00:54,610 --> 00:00:57,812 but miraculously has not affected Channels 2 or 6. 23 00:00:59,815 --> 00:01:01,616 No no. Keep the camera over there. 24 00:01:01,684 --> 00:01:02,651 I want everyone to see it. 25 00:01:02,718 --> 00:01:04,819 This is why we're third. 26 00:01:04,887 --> 00:01:07,155 And here comes our first float of the day, Tom. 27 00:01:07,223 --> 00:01:09,457 It's the James Woods High football team 28 00:01:09,525 --> 00:01:11,076 with their "Not Gay Revue." 29 00:01:12,545 --> 00:01:14,613 ♪ We just won the big game ♪ 30 00:01:15,915 --> 00:01:17,415 ♪ We just won the big game ♪ 31 00:01:19,201 --> 00:01:20,418 ♪ We drilled 'em and banged 'em ♪ 32 00:01:20,469 --> 00:01:22,003 ♪ And plowed 'em a lot ♪ 33 00:01:22,071 --> 00:01:23,355 ♪ And though that sounds suggestive ♪ 34 00:01:23,422 --> 00:01:25,323 ♪ Let me stress that it's not. ♪ 35 00:01:25,391 --> 00:01:27,777 And here comes the Rocky and Bullwinkle float. 36 00:01:27,927 --> 00:01:30,362 Always a popular sight here at the par... 37 00:01:30,429 --> 00:01:32,230 S-Somebody want to handle that? 38 00:01:32,298 --> 00:01:33,398 Does some-- does some-- 39 00:01:33,466 --> 00:01:35,233 Does somebody want to deal with that? 40 00:01:35,301 --> 00:01:37,335 The car alarm, "what." 41 00:01:37,403 --> 00:01:38,403 You're kidding. 44 00:01:42,141 --> 00:01:44,943 Ph-Phil, Phil just open it-- unlock the doors. 45 00:01:45,011 --> 00:01:47,245 You don't have to put the key in the ignition. 46 00:01:47,313 --> 00:01:49,381 Well, open the driver's side first. 47 00:01:49,448 --> 00:01:51,383 Okay, well, I guess it's broken, then, 48 00:01:51,450 --> 00:01:52,751 and there's nothing we can do about it. 49 00:01:52,818 --> 00:01:54,019 Okay, happy Thanksgiving, Quahog. 50 00:01:54,086 --> 00:01:55,120 Here's a car alarm. 51 00:01:56,472 --> 00:01:57,772 All right, well, I guess we'll just... 52 00:01:57,840 --> 00:01:59,207 Ahhh, there we go. 53 00:02:00,426 --> 00:02:01,676 Oh, that must be Joe and Bonnie. 54 00:02:01,761 --> 00:02:03,678 Now remember everyone, let's be cheerful, 55 00:02:03,746 --> 00:02:05,814 'cause Thanksgivings are very hard for them. 56 00:02:05,881 --> 00:02:07,349 'Cause Joe can't walk? No. 57 00:02:07,416 --> 00:02:09,718 'Cause his bum doesn't open up to poo anymore, 58 00:02:09,785 --> 00:02:11,686 and a nurse has to go digging up there 59 00:02:11,754 --> 00:02:13,271 to get up after his stuff? 60 00:02:14,340 --> 00:02:15,390 Oh, my God! 61 00:02:15,458 --> 00:02:16,491 I know. 62 00:02:16,559 --> 00:02:18,026 That was told to me in confidence. 63 00:02:18,094 --> 00:02:19,694 No. Don't you remember, Peter? 64 00:02:19,762 --> 00:02:21,046 It was on Thanksgiving 65 00:02:21,113 --> 00:02:22,814 that their son Kevin got killed in Iraq. 66 00:02:23,949 --> 00:02:25,200 Look who's here! 67 00:02:25,267 --> 00:02:26,618 Happy Thanksgiving. 68 00:02:26,669 --> 00:02:27,802 Gobble gobble. 69 00:02:27,870 --> 00:02:30,205 You guys, thanks so much for having us over. 70 00:02:30,272 --> 00:02:32,807 Well, we're just glad we can have people over again 71 00:02:32,875 --> 00:02:34,275 now that that giant crab's gone. 72 00:02:34,343 --> 00:02:36,428 Hey, guys, how ya doin'? Come on in. 73 00:02:36,495 --> 00:02:38,213 No-no-no-no-no-no-no. 74 00:02:38,297 --> 00:02:39,514 No-no-no-no-no, no-no-no-no-no. 75 00:02:39,598 --> 00:02:40,665 Just go around it. 76 00:02:40,716 --> 00:02:41,516 He's not gonna hurt ya. 77 00:02:41,600 --> 00:02:42,801 Just go around it. 78 00:02:42,852 --> 00:02:43,835 No-no-no-no-no-no-no. 79 00:02:43,886 --> 00:02:44,803 No-no-no-no-no, no-no-no-no-no. 80 00:02:44,854 --> 00:02:45,937 No-no-no-no-no. 81 00:02:46,004 --> 00:02:47,338 All right, try just going under him. 82 00:02:47,390 --> 00:02:48,940 I think we should probably just go home. 83 00:02:49,007 --> 00:02:50,225 Maybe we'll do it another time. 84 00:02:50,309 --> 00:02:51,142 No-no-no-no-no. 85 00:02:58,234 --> 00:02:59,184 What the hell? 86 00:02:59,251 --> 00:03:00,201 Mom! 87 00:03:00,286 --> 00:03:01,286 Mom, it's me! Mom! 88 00:03:01,354 --> 00:03:03,021 Oh, yeah, it's a baby. 89 00:03:03,089 --> 00:03:04,689 It's a big balloon, baby, 90 00:03:04,757 --> 00:03:06,024 just like you're a baby. 91 00:03:06,092 --> 00:03:07,058 No, it's me! 92 00:03:07,126 --> 00:03:08,076 It's a balloon of me! 93 00:03:08,144 --> 00:03:09,461 Peter, come look at this. 94 00:03:09,528 --> 00:03:11,996 He sees a baby and knows that he's also a baby. 95 00:03:12,064 --> 00:03:13,231 So smart. 96 00:03:13,299 --> 00:03:14,933 Mama's smart little boy. 97 00:03:15,000 --> 00:03:16,634 Aah, check out Quagmire. 98 00:03:16,702 --> 00:03:18,036 It's been a year and a half, 99 00:03:18,104 --> 00:03:20,388 and he still looks uncomfortable around his dad. 100 00:03:20,456 --> 00:03:22,023 Well, it's a big adjustment. 101 00:03:22,091 --> 00:03:25,093 After all, his dad did have a sex-change operation. 102 00:03:25,161 --> 00:03:27,696 So, uh... how-how are things, Dad? 103 00:03:27,763 --> 00:03:31,032 Oh, Glenn, I can't tell you how wonderful it is to be back here. 104 00:03:31,100 --> 00:03:33,351 This is gonna be a really special Thanksgiving. 105 00:03:33,402 --> 00:03:35,286 Happy Thanksgiving! 106 00:03:35,354 --> 00:03:36,838 We brought chicken wings. 107 00:03:36,906 --> 00:03:39,607 Oh, yum. I hope they're the kind with the bone removed. 108 00:03:43,746 --> 00:03:44,696 Hey, Aunt Carol. 109 00:03:44,764 --> 00:03:45,764 Hey, Uncle Adam. 110 00:03:45,831 --> 00:03:47,165 ♪ La la la la la. ♪ 111 00:03:47,233 --> 00:03:49,367 Don't mention last night's Project Runway. 112 00:03:49,435 --> 00:03:50,869 I've got it on TiVo. 113 00:03:50,920 --> 00:03:52,203 Happy Thanksgiving. 114 00:03:52,254 --> 00:03:53,855 I brought Marshmallow Peeps. 115 00:03:53,923 --> 00:03:54,856 Oh. 116 00:03:54,924 --> 00:03:56,057 Okay. 117 00:03:56,125 --> 00:03:58,293 I'm gonna need that Pyrex dish back. 118 00:03:58,360 --> 00:03:59,494 Okay. 119 00:03:59,562 --> 00:04:01,529 I'm gonna need it back now. 120 00:04:01,597 --> 00:04:02,764 Oh. 121 00:04:04,133 --> 00:04:05,683 I don't want anything else today 122 00:04:05,751 --> 00:04:07,752 to get as tense as that just got. 123 00:04:07,803 --> 00:04:09,554 Carol, it's so good to see you. 124 00:04:09,622 --> 00:04:10,855 You, too, Lois. 125 00:04:10,923 --> 00:04:12,524 God, that is one nice ass. 126 00:04:12,591 --> 00:04:13,958 Thank you. You're welcome. 127 00:04:15,861 --> 00:04:16,961 This is nice. 128 00:04:17,029 --> 00:04:18,630 This is very nice, 129 00:04:18,697 --> 00:04:20,765 the time that we're spending together right now. 130 00:04:20,833 --> 00:04:21,766 Easy, Joe. 131 00:04:22,935 --> 00:04:24,903 Sorry. Just making mental memories 132 00:04:24,970 --> 00:04:26,905 for when you're all inevitably dead, 133 00:04:26,972 --> 00:04:28,239 and I'm left alone. 134 00:04:28,307 --> 00:04:30,041 Geez. Quagmire, help me out with this. 135 00:04:30,109 --> 00:04:31,543 No, he's right. I mean, sometimes 136 00:04:31,610 --> 00:04:33,545 chicks die, and it's not anyone's fault. 137 00:04:33,612 --> 00:04:36,481 Okay, everyone, it's 2:30. Time for dinner. 138 00:04:36,549 --> 00:04:39,984 'Cause on Thanksgiving, 2:30 is dinnertime for some reason. 139 00:04:43,456 --> 00:04:44,656 Oh, my. 140 00:04:44,723 --> 00:04:47,025 Lois, those sweet potatoes look delicious. 141 00:04:47,092 --> 00:04:48,526 That's the stuffing, Ma. 142 00:04:48,594 --> 00:04:51,329 Now put on your glasses before you run over another black guy. 143 00:04:51,397 --> 00:04:52,964 Oh, this looks fantastic. 144 00:04:53,032 --> 00:04:54,983 I can't wait to poop this out. 145 00:04:55,067 --> 00:04:56,301 Hey! Who's gonna get 146 00:04:56,368 --> 00:04:58,436 the Thanksgiving dump trophy this year? 147 00:04:58,504 --> 00:05:00,171 You are! Dad's gonna get it! 148 00:05:00,239 --> 00:05:01,105 Who else? 149 00:05:02,241 --> 00:05:03,942 Loving. Loving family. 150 00:05:04,009 --> 00:05:05,977 Well, dig in, everyone! 151 00:05:10,149 --> 00:05:11,783 Hello, Ida. Hello, Brian. 152 00:05:11,851 --> 00:05:13,685 How have you been? Very well, thank you. 153 00:05:13,752 --> 00:05:16,688 He threw up when he found out you were a monster. 154 00:05:16,755 --> 00:05:19,090 This food is so (bleep) good, Lois. 155 00:05:19,158 --> 00:05:21,459 Oh. Okay. Wow. 156 00:05:21,527 --> 00:05:23,795 Hey! Is there room at that table for one more? 157 00:05:27,716 --> 00:05:28,917 Oh, my God! 158 00:05:28,984 --> 00:05:30,485 Kevin Swanson! 159 00:05:30,553 --> 00:05:32,353 Son, you're alive! 160 00:05:32,421 --> 00:05:35,323 Aw, and I stayed up all night writing dead kid jokes. 161 00:05:35,391 --> 00:05:37,058 All right, you know what, I'm gonna do one anyway. 162 00:05:37,126 --> 00:05:38,393 Kevin, go back outside. 163 00:05:38,477 --> 00:05:39,944 Everybody pretend this didn't happen. 164 00:05:40,012 --> 00:05:43,581 Hey, Joe, what's your favorite preparation of a tomato? 165 00:05:43,649 --> 00:05:46,351 Is it son-died tomato? 166 00:05:47,486 --> 00:05:50,388 Is it son-died tomato? 167 00:05:50,456 --> 00:05:52,023 Okay, Kevin, you can come back in. 168 00:05:52,074 --> 00:05:53,357 Welcome home, soldier. 169 00:05:54,426 --> 00:05:56,027 Son-died tomato. 170 00:06:03,235 --> 00:06:04,685 Kevin, you're alive! 171 00:06:04,753 --> 00:06:05,619 I don't believe it. 172 00:06:05,671 --> 00:06:07,688 Oh, my God, it's a miracle! 173 00:06:07,756 --> 00:06:09,523 Well, I guess you replaced real butter 174 00:06:09,591 --> 00:06:10,891 as the star of the dinner. 175 00:06:10,959 --> 00:06:12,426 But I don't understand. 176 00:06:12,494 --> 00:06:14,195 The Army said you'd been killed in action. 177 00:06:14,262 --> 00:06:15,162 What happened? 178 00:06:15,230 --> 00:06:17,932 Well, it's quite a story. 179 00:06:17,999 --> 00:06:21,435 In some ways, Army life in Iraq is what you'd expect, 180 00:06:21,503 --> 00:06:23,170 what with the blistering heat, 181 00:06:23,221 --> 00:06:24,939 the constant sense of impending danger, 182 00:06:25,006 --> 00:06:26,774 and the one gay soldier 183 00:06:26,841 --> 00:06:28,409 awkwardly avoiding the use of pronouns. 184 00:06:28,477 --> 00:06:30,811 Man, I sure miss my sweetheart back home. 185 00:06:30,879 --> 00:06:33,030 I can't wait to get back to that person. 186 00:06:33,098 --> 00:06:34,699 Chow time, boys. 187 00:06:34,783 --> 00:06:36,500 Yes, sir, Sergeant Major General Captain! 188 00:06:36,568 --> 00:06:38,335 Ah, come on, boys, it's Thanksgiving. 189 00:06:38,403 --> 00:06:40,237 Call me Major General Captain. 190 00:06:40,305 --> 00:06:41,489 Now you eat up. 191 00:06:43,008 --> 00:06:45,710 I don't trust that turkey those Iraqis made. 192 00:06:45,794 --> 00:06:47,328 Ah, you're all wet, Swanson. 193 00:06:47,379 --> 00:06:48,329 I call the white meat. 194 00:06:48,380 --> 00:06:49,714 I call the dark meat. 195 00:06:49,798 --> 00:06:51,332 I call the cell phone duct-taped to the side! 196 00:06:51,383 --> 00:06:52,216 Noooooo! 197 00:06:56,088 --> 00:06:58,222 They're all dead, sir, except for Swanson. 198 00:06:58,290 --> 00:07:00,491 He's in a coma, but he's unlikely to recover. 199 00:07:00,559 --> 00:07:03,277 Okay, well, just send Swanson's parents a letter saying 200 00:07:03,345 --> 00:07:05,479 that he's dead, 'cause those are already printed. 201 00:07:05,547 --> 00:07:07,081 You know what? Send one to my parents, too. 202 00:07:07,149 --> 00:07:10,084 I spent five years in a Kuwait military hospital. 203 00:07:10,152 --> 00:07:12,002 I woke up from the coma last week, 204 00:07:12,070 --> 00:07:13,404 and I flew straight here. 205 00:07:13,488 --> 00:07:15,122 Kind of a Thanksgiving surprise. 206 00:07:15,190 --> 00:07:18,058 Hey, when you get sexually abused while you're in a coma, 207 00:07:18,126 --> 00:07:19,543 do you know it's happening 208 00:07:19,611 --> 00:07:20,995 and just can't do anything about it? 209 00:07:21,062 --> 00:07:22,630 Or do u not even know what's going on? 210 00:07:22,697 --> 00:07:24,365 I also am curious about that. 211 00:07:24,433 --> 00:07:26,000 Hey, Kevin, you know I put a yellow ribbon 212 00:07:26,067 --> 00:07:27,401 on my car for you guys? 213 00:07:27,469 --> 00:07:30,137 And-and a little thing that says "I support the troops." 214 00:07:30,205 --> 00:07:32,640 'Cause there's nothing I wouldn't do for you guys. 215 00:07:32,707 --> 00:07:35,042 but I don't have any change on me right now. 216 00:07:35,093 --> 00:07:37,661 Well, all that matters is that my boy is home. 217 00:07:37,729 --> 00:07:40,831 Kevin, I want you to meet your little sister, Susie. 218 00:07:40,899 --> 00:07:41,832 Wow. 219 00:07:41,900 --> 00:07:43,000 Hey, little sis. 220 00:07:43,068 --> 00:07:44,668 I guess we got some catching up to do, huh? 221 00:07:44,736 --> 00:07:45,836 Hope you don't get scared 222 00:07:45,904 --> 00:07:47,571 when I scream and have night terrors. 223 00:07:47,639 --> 00:07:48,706 It's quite all right. 224 00:07:48,774 --> 00:07:49,874 I've seen worse. 225 00:07:52,677 --> 00:07:54,411 A human centipede. 226 00:07:54,479 --> 00:07:55,746 How ghastly. 227 00:07:55,814 --> 00:07:58,215 Your mother and I are very proud of you, Kevin. 228 00:07:58,283 --> 00:07:59,617 You're a war hero. 229 00:07:59,684 --> 00:08:01,218 I don't feel like a war hero. 230 00:08:01,286 --> 00:08:02,920 Only a war hero would say that. 231 00:08:02,988 --> 00:08:05,523 Hey, so what about the female soldiers over there? 232 00:08:05,590 --> 00:08:06,824 Were they able to contribute? 233 00:08:06,892 --> 00:08:08,476 Eh, you know, they did their best. 234 00:08:08,543 --> 00:08:10,044 What with their regular bleedings 235 00:08:10,111 --> 00:08:11,862 when they got shot, did they even know? 236 00:08:11,930 --> 00:08:13,564 Look, guys, I'm not a hero. 237 00:08:13,632 --> 00:08:15,749 And I don't want to be treated any different than before. 238 00:08:15,801 --> 00:08:16,951 Just that you would say that 239 00:08:17,018 --> 00:08:18,619 means we should treat you different. 240 00:08:18,687 --> 00:08:22,223 Come on, guys, let's give him all our best food. 241 00:08:22,290 --> 00:08:24,525 Okay, now you eat up, and then we're all gonna go out back 242 00:08:24,593 --> 00:08:27,361 and play some Thanksgiving touch football-- excuse me: 243 00:08:27,429 --> 00:08:30,064 war hero Thanksgiving touch football. 244 00:08:35,470 --> 00:08:36,687 Yeaaaaah! 245 00:08:36,771 --> 00:08:37,988 U.S.A.! 246 00:08:38,073 --> 00:08:39,273 I didn't even know there was a war. 247 00:08:41,809 --> 00:08:43,210 Okay, let's pick teams. 248 00:08:43,278 --> 00:08:44,512 I'll be a captain, 249 00:08:44,579 --> 00:08:46,764 and, uh, Mayor West, you can be a captain. 250 00:08:46,832 --> 00:08:48,432 All right. I pick you. 251 00:08:48,500 --> 00:08:50,718 You can't pick me; I'm a captain. 252 00:08:50,785 --> 00:08:53,888 No one had ever stood up to me like that before. 253 00:08:53,955 --> 00:08:56,040 I respected him from there on out. 254 00:08:56,107 --> 00:08:57,541 That's a great story, Grandpa. 255 00:08:57,609 --> 00:08:59,093 I didn't like it. 256 00:08:59,160 --> 00:09:00,528 None of my grandchildren 257 00:09:00,595 --> 00:09:03,497 had ever disliked one of my stories before. 258 00:09:03,565 --> 00:09:06,100 From then on, he was my favorite. 259 00:09:06,167 --> 00:09:08,068 Well, I don't like that story, Great Grandpa. 260 00:09:09,554 --> 00:09:12,122 Future old people are wizards. 261 00:09:13,925 --> 00:09:15,226 I'm... I'm drunk, 262 00:09:15,293 --> 00:09:18,629 and I'm gonna throw the football too hard at my kids. 263 00:09:18,697 --> 00:09:20,147 Oh, Dad, do we have to-- Ow! 264 00:09:20,198 --> 00:09:22,182 Don't cry! Don't cry! 265 00:09:22,234 --> 00:09:23,734 Game's over if you cry. 266 00:09:23,802 --> 00:09:26,637 I want you to learn about life, Chris, 267 00:09:26,705 --> 00:09:28,973 'cause of, in life it's like this. 268 00:09:30,342 --> 00:09:32,476 Peter, I think you may have had one too many. 269 00:09:32,544 --> 00:09:34,378 Maybe it's time to ease off, huh? 270 00:09:34,446 --> 00:09:35,713 What are you talking about, Lois? 271 00:09:35,780 --> 00:09:37,381 Dads getting drunk on Thanksgiving 272 00:09:37,449 --> 00:09:38,816 is a holiday tradition. 273 00:09:38,884 --> 00:09:41,952 I work hard to put a cornucopia on this table, 274 00:09:42,020 --> 00:09:44,054 and you're out showing your lower ankle 275 00:09:44,122 --> 00:09:47,308 to every Tom, Tom, and other Tom in our village! 276 00:09:47,375 --> 00:09:49,326 Don't talk to mother in like fashion! 277 00:09:49,394 --> 00:09:51,645 That's it. The belt is coming off. 278 00:09:55,684 --> 00:09:56,834 All right, son. 279 00:09:56,902 --> 00:09:59,003 Let's put these bozos in a hurt locker. 280 00:09:59,070 --> 00:10:01,071 Right? 'Cause, uh, "hurt locker" means 281 00:10:01,139 --> 00:10:02,840 some kind of war hero thing, or something. 282 00:10:02,908 --> 00:10:04,575 Pfft. My friends and I used to laugh 283 00:10:04,643 --> 00:10:06,010 about how fake that movie is. 284 00:10:06,077 --> 00:10:07,011 But... 285 00:10:07,078 --> 00:10:08,429 Well, wait, I, uh... 286 00:10:08,496 --> 00:10:10,564 I'm pretty sure that movie came out 287 00:10:10,632 --> 00:10:12,333 after you went into your coma. 288 00:10:12,400 --> 00:10:14,768 Right-- no, no, uh, I-I-I was talking about a different movie. 289 00:10:14,836 --> 00:10:15,819 Let's play ball! 290 00:10:15,887 --> 00:10:18,956 Yeah, let's play ball. 291 00:10:20,842 --> 00:10:22,676 The world has changed around me, 292 00:10:22,744 --> 00:10:24,244 and I'm mad and scared! 293 00:10:28,350 --> 00:10:31,085 Lois, this pumpkin pie looks delightful. 294 00:10:31,152 --> 00:10:33,070 Hey, Kevin, can I see your Purple Heart? 295 00:10:33,138 --> 00:10:34,571 'Cause I never actually seen one. 296 00:10:34,639 --> 00:10:37,241 One-one time this homeless guy showed me his purple head, 297 00:10:37,309 --> 00:10:39,576 but looking back, I'm-I'm not so sure 298 00:10:39,644 --> 00:10:41,078 that that was really a military thing. 299 00:10:41,146 --> 00:10:42,880 Pfft. I didn't want that stupid medal. 300 00:10:42,948 --> 00:10:44,214 You know what I did with it? 301 00:10:44,282 --> 00:10:45,883 I threw it back over the White House fence. 302 00:10:45,951 --> 00:10:47,384 Wait a minute. I thought you said 303 00:10:47,452 --> 00:10:48,986 you flew straight home from Kuwait 304 00:10:49,054 --> 00:10:50,621 after you woke from your coma. 305 00:10:50,689 --> 00:10:53,390 When did you throw your medal over the White House fence? 306 00:10:53,458 --> 00:10:56,226 N-N-N-No, I-I-I told you, I flew to D.C., ditched the medals, 307 00:10:56,294 --> 00:10:57,494 and flew home. 308 00:10:57,562 --> 00:10:59,697 I guess that was just his dirty hobo penis, huh? 309 00:10:59,764 --> 00:11:01,465 Kevin, why would you want to get rid of 310 00:11:01,533 --> 00:11:02,633 your war medals like that? 311 00:11:02,701 --> 00:11:04,335 'Cause it was a stupid war, you know? 312 00:11:04,402 --> 00:11:07,421 All it did was put me in a coma and kill one of my bunkmates 313 00:11:07,489 --> 00:11:09,189 and cripple the other one for life. 314 00:11:09,257 --> 00:11:10,591 W-Wait a minute. 315 00:11:10,659 --> 00:11:11,959 Now, I thought earlier you said 316 00:11:12,027 --> 00:11:13,661 that both of your bunkmates were killed. 317 00:11:13,728 --> 00:11:16,130 Now you're saying only one of them was? 318 00:11:16,197 --> 00:11:17,665 But I just want you guys to know 319 00:11:17,732 --> 00:11:19,566 I barely even stared at that penis for an hour. 320 00:11:19,634 --> 00:11:21,035 What? Come on, Dad. 321 00:11:21,102 --> 00:11:22,336 Whatev. 322 00:11:22,404 --> 00:11:23,771 H-Hey, why's it so hot in here? 323 00:11:23,822 --> 00:11:24,955 It's too hot in here. 324 00:11:25,023 --> 00:11:25,990 Wait a minute. 325 00:11:26,057 --> 00:11:27,541 An Ed Hardy T-shirt? 326 00:11:27,609 --> 00:11:29,777 That particular strain of douche bag 327 00:11:29,844 --> 00:11:31,812 didn't arise until 2007, 328 00:11:31,880 --> 00:11:33,681 while you were supposedly in your coma. 329 00:11:33,748 --> 00:11:34,999 Look, get off my case, Dad! 330 00:11:35,066 --> 00:11:36,400 What do you want from me? 331 00:11:36,468 --> 00:11:37,368 The truth. 332 00:11:37,435 --> 00:11:38,969 Fine! Here's the truth! 333 00:11:39,037 --> 00:11:40,804 I was never in any coma, okay? 334 00:11:40,872 --> 00:11:41,805 I bailed. 335 00:11:41,873 --> 00:11:43,607 I faked my death and went AWOL. 336 00:11:44,442 --> 00:11:46,110 I faked my own death once. 337 00:12:03,411 --> 00:12:06,063 No dentist appointment for this guy. 338 00:12:06,131 --> 00:12:07,264 So, there it is. 339 00:12:07,332 --> 00:12:08,432 I'm not a war hero. 340 00:12:08,500 --> 00:12:09,600 I abandoned my platoon. 341 00:12:09,667 --> 00:12:10,968 So now what do we do? 342 00:12:12,170 --> 00:12:13,737 Me? 343 00:12:13,805 --> 00:12:15,773 Am-Am I, am I supposed to say something? 344 00:12:15,840 --> 00:12:17,491 Kevin, 345 00:12:17,559 --> 00:12:19,526 you're under arrest for the crime of desertion. 346 00:12:19,594 --> 00:12:20,978 Oh, my. 347 00:12:21,046 --> 00:12:23,647 Um, maybe it's time for us girls to hit the powder room. 348 00:12:23,715 --> 00:12:24,681 You may use the yard. 349 00:12:31,652 --> 00:12:34,187 So you were lying to us this whole time? 350 00:12:34,254 --> 00:12:35,888 You weren't really injured in Iraq? 351 00:12:35,956 --> 00:12:38,925 First Pat Tillman lies about how he died and now you? 352 00:12:38,992 --> 00:12:40,693 Kevin, I don't understand. 353 00:12:40,761 --> 00:12:42,061 There's nothing to understand. 354 00:12:42,129 --> 00:12:43,663 Our son is a deserter. 355 00:12:43,730 --> 00:12:45,381 Come on, Kevin, I'm taking you to jail. 356 00:12:45,465 --> 00:12:47,033 Joe, wait! Not now, Bonnie. 357 00:12:47,100 --> 00:12:48,267 Joe, you can't! 358 00:12:48,335 --> 00:12:49,535 Bonnie, we'll discuss this later! 359 00:12:49,586 --> 00:12:52,371 Joe! You're not taking my son anywhere. 360 00:12:52,439 --> 00:12:54,307 Damn it, you guys are ruining Thanksgiving! 361 00:12:54,374 --> 00:12:56,108 And it's my second favorite holiday, 362 00:12:56,176 --> 00:12:58,878 right after Pretend Not To Notice People's Race Day. 363 00:12:58,946 --> 00:13:00,046 Hey, you seen Reggie around? 364 00:13:00,113 --> 00:13:01,714 Which one is Reggie? 365 00:13:01,782 --> 00:13:04,550 Oh, uh, today he's wearing yellow pants, 366 00:13:04,618 --> 00:13:08,387 uh, yellow shirt, yellow hat, yellow shoes. 367 00:13:08,455 --> 00:13:11,290 Uh, he's got a gold tooth, uh, diamond earring. 368 00:13:11,358 --> 00:13:14,327 Um, he's got that big necklace with the dollar sign on it. 369 00:13:14,394 --> 00:13:16,562 Uh, he's always grabbing his crotch 370 00:13:16,630 --> 00:13:17,763 when he's telling a story. 371 00:13:17,831 --> 00:13:18,998 Like the one about when he found out 372 00:13:19,066 --> 00:13:20,533 his mother is really his grandmother. 373 00:13:20,601 --> 00:13:22,001 Could you be more specific? 374 00:13:22,069 --> 00:13:23,469 Uh, oh, let's see. 375 00:13:23,537 --> 00:13:25,671 Uh, he always wears cheap cologne. 376 00:13:25,739 --> 00:13:28,941 Uh, drives a Mercury Cougar with a crown on the dashboard. 377 00:13:29,009 --> 00:13:30,910 Uh, never pays his alimony. 378 00:13:30,978 --> 00:13:33,713 Uh, he's extremely cut for a guy who never works out. 379 00:13:33,780 --> 00:13:35,131 Oh, there he is. Thanks anyway. 380 00:13:35,215 --> 00:13:36,215 Hey, Reggie! 381 00:13:37,718 --> 00:13:39,151 Look, maybe we should just let Kevin 382 00:13:39,219 --> 00:13:40,970 explain why he did what he did. 383 00:13:43,273 --> 00:13:44,857 At first, I believed in the cause. 384 00:13:44,924 --> 00:13:47,259 But then I saw what we were doing to the people of Iraq. 385 00:13:47,311 --> 00:13:48,427 Innocent people. 386 00:13:48,495 --> 00:13:50,613 There was one that I'll never forget. 387 00:13:50,681 --> 00:13:52,782 He was a little Iraqi street kid. 388 00:13:52,866 --> 00:13:54,767 I'd befriended him a few months earlier. 389 00:13:54,818 --> 00:13:56,619 Couldn't have been more than 12 years old. 390 00:13:56,703 --> 00:13:58,804 I taught him how to crack wise, American style. 391 00:14:02,726 --> 00:14:05,211 I guess that store's having a fire sale. 392 00:14:07,014 --> 00:14:09,382 I tell you, that kid was strong-headed for his age. 393 00:14:09,449 --> 00:14:10,883 Smart, but innocent. 394 00:14:10,950 --> 00:14:13,302 And then one day, there was a fire fight. 395 00:14:23,263 --> 00:14:25,748 We bring in this civilian who got killed in the crossfire. 396 00:14:27,768 --> 00:14:29,935 I pull back the sheet, and who is it? 397 00:14:30,003 --> 00:14:31,487 Not the kid, but, like, 398 00:14:31,571 --> 00:14:34,139 the kid's dad's, like, coworker's neighbor. 399 00:14:34,191 --> 00:14:37,109 He was 74 and he had actually tried to rape someone. 400 00:14:37,160 --> 00:14:39,245 But just looking down at his dead face 401 00:14:39,312 --> 00:14:42,031 and knowing that he lived near someone who worked with the dad 402 00:14:42,115 --> 00:14:45,568 of the kid whose name I never found out, I lost all hope. 403 00:14:45,636 --> 00:14:47,953 That's when I knew I had to get out of Iraq. 404 00:14:48,005 --> 00:14:49,872 I just had to wait for my chance. 405 00:14:49,956 --> 00:14:50,873 I call the white meat! 406 00:14:50,957 --> 00:14:52,241 I call the dark meat! 407 00:14:52,309 --> 00:14:53,793 I call the cell phone duct taped to the side! 408 00:14:53,844 --> 00:14:54,710 No! 409 00:14:59,216 --> 00:15:01,434 Somehow, I'd been spared that Thanksgiving. 410 00:15:01,501 --> 00:15:03,886 But I can't say the same for my bunkmates. 411 00:15:03,970 --> 00:15:05,888 There were bits and pieces of them everywhere. 412 00:15:05,972 --> 00:15:08,841 I knew the Army would never be able to identify who was who. 413 00:15:08,892 --> 00:15:12,111 So that was my chance to disappear. 414 00:15:12,179 --> 00:15:13,346 So I left. 415 00:15:13,413 --> 00:15:14,680 How could you do that?! 416 00:15:14,731 --> 00:15:15,898 Coward! Traitor! 417 00:15:15,966 --> 00:15:17,867 If you think that I'm gonna masturbate 418 00:15:17,934 --> 00:15:20,236 after this tonight, you're right. 419 00:15:20,320 --> 00:15:22,138 We don't have to sit here and listen to this. 420 00:15:22,205 --> 00:15:23,906 Come on, Kevin, let's get out of here. 421 00:15:23,974 --> 00:15:25,541 Nice try, skank. Worth a shot. 422 00:15:25,625 --> 00:15:27,827 Well, where did you go after you left the war? 423 00:15:27,878 --> 00:15:29,712 I spent a few years laying low. 424 00:15:29,780 --> 00:15:31,447 Wrote some poems. You want to hear some? 425 00:15:31,515 --> 00:15:32,348 No. Are you sure? 426 00:15:32,416 --> 00:15:33,783 They're pretty intense. 427 00:15:33,850 --> 00:15:35,551 No. Here, let me just read one. 428 00:15:35,619 --> 00:15:37,953 If I can guess a line in there, will you not read it? 429 00:15:38,021 --> 00:15:39,722 I don't think you'll be able to guess a line. 430 00:15:39,790 --> 00:15:42,692 Is it something like, "Ice burns as hot as fire"? 431 00:15:42,759 --> 00:15:46,929 Okay, so then I went to Europe, Australia, Canada, all over. 432 00:15:46,997 --> 00:15:48,814 But I really missed you guys. 433 00:15:48,882 --> 00:15:51,617 I wanted to be with people who love me, no matter what. 434 00:15:51,685 --> 00:15:52,952 So I came home. 435 00:15:53,019 --> 00:15:54,353 Well, it sounds to me like 436 00:15:54,421 --> 00:15:56,822 you're a regular Benedict Arnold Drummond. 437 00:15:56,890 --> 00:15:58,724 W-What's he expecting us to cut to? 438 00:15:58,775 --> 00:16:00,543 I think he wants maybe-- I don't know-- 439 00:16:00,610 --> 00:16:01,877 Gary Coleman in a Napoleon hat? 440 00:16:01,945 --> 00:16:03,095 But we don't have that. 441 00:16:03,163 --> 00:16:04,229 We-We got to come up with something. 442 00:16:04,281 --> 00:16:05,998 Well, we got, uh, we got 443 00:16:06,066 --> 00:16:07,633 "The Cowardly Lion is Lindsay Lohan's gynecologist." 444 00:16:07,701 --> 00:16:08,751 Play it, play it. 445 00:16:08,819 --> 00:16:10,286 But he didn't set it up. Play it! 446 00:16:10,353 --> 00:16:12,071 All right, I'm gonna check her for diseases. 447 00:16:12,139 --> 00:16:14,106 There's just one thing I want you to do. 448 00:16:14,174 --> 00:16:15,040 What's that? What's that? 449 00:16:15,108 --> 00:16:16,258 Talk me out of it. 450 00:16:16,343 --> 00:16:18,177 No, no, no, no, no, no. 451 00:16:18,245 --> 00:16:20,446 What the hell is going on up there? 452 00:16:20,514 --> 00:16:22,681 Well, I'm sorry you all feel the way you do. 453 00:16:22,749 --> 00:16:25,151 But I walked away from an illegal war of aggression 454 00:16:25,218 --> 00:16:27,920 being fought 6,000 miles away from our shores. 455 00:16:27,988 --> 00:16:29,955 Better there than here where all my stuff is. 456 00:16:30,023 --> 00:16:32,942 So, what, you figured you'd just let 'em get away with 9/11? 457 00:16:33,026 --> 00:16:35,528 Mr. Griffin, Iraq had nothing to do with 9/11. 458 00:16:35,595 --> 00:16:38,431 And the war we started in Iraq has killed a half a million 459 00:16:38,498 --> 00:16:41,434 of their people, which is like 200 9/11's. 460 00:16:41,501 --> 00:16:43,936 So, I guess those moments of silence we had 461 00:16:44,004 --> 00:16:45,738 at those sporting events meant nothing to you. 462 00:16:45,806 --> 00:16:47,523 I'm just saying this war is wrong. 463 00:16:47,591 --> 00:16:51,377 Son, your job isn't to decide whether it's right or wrong. 464 00:16:51,444 --> 00:16:53,379 Your job is to follow orders. 465 00:16:53,447 --> 00:16:55,181 Well, that's what the Nazi soldiers did, isn't it? 466 00:16:55,248 --> 00:16:56,515 They followed orders. 467 00:16:56,583 --> 00:16:58,384 You're saying our troops are like the Nazis?! 468 00:16:58,451 --> 00:17:01,637 No, I'm just saying that blindly following orders has resulted 469 00:17:01,721 --> 00:17:04,056 in the deaths of millions of people throughout history. 470 00:17:04,124 --> 00:17:06,425 You know, I have not talked to Carol all night. 471 00:17:06,493 --> 00:17:07,960 Carol, how are you? 472 00:17:08,028 --> 00:17:10,496 Look, I think you guys are all rushing to judge Kevin 473 00:17:10,564 --> 00:17:13,199 without knowing what it was like to be in his shoes. 474 00:17:13,266 --> 00:17:16,168 He saw horrific things, in a horrific war, 475 00:17:16,236 --> 00:17:18,237 that only one other person here 476 00:17:18,305 --> 00:17:21,073 could possibly come close to understanding: Ida. 477 00:17:21,141 --> 00:17:22,308 She was in the military. 478 00:17:22,375 --> 00:17:23,843 She's seen battle. 479 00:17:23,910 --> 00:17:26,545 She's seen innocent people butchered by war machines. 480 00:17:26,613 --> 00:17:29,081 And I'm sure that Ida, more than anyone else here, 481 00:17:29,149 --> 00:17:32,151 can understand and support the choice that Kevin made. 482 00:17:32,219 --> 00:17:35,454 No, Brian, I do not understand Kevin's choice, 483 00:17:35,522 --> 00:17:37,189 and I do not support it. 484 00:17:37,257 --> 00:17:39,041 Okay, well, that's just some dumb drag queen. 485 00:17:39,109 --> 00:17:41,677 Son, when you go to war, you don't end up 486 00:17:41,745 --> 00:17:44,914 fighting for your country or your family or your flag. 487 00:17:44,981 --> 00:17:46,549 You're fighting for your fellow soldiers 488 00:17:46,616 --> 00:17:48,617 there in the foxhole with you. 489 00:17:48,685 --> 00:17:52,404 You walked out on those men, and that's what's most unforgivable. 490 00:17:52,472 --> 00:17:54,206 You know what, everyone? Forget it. 491 00:17:54,274 --> 00:17:56,008 Up till today, you guys thought I was dead. 492 00:17:56,076 --> 00:17:57,042 Well, I'm not. 493 00:17:57,110 --> 00:17:58,344 But after all this, 494 00:17:58,411 --> 00:18:00,095 Dad, you may as well take me to prison, 495 00:18:00,163 --> 00:18:01,997 'cause right now I wish I was dead. 496 00:18:02,065 --> 00:18:05,301 If anyone has wanted whip cream on their pie, it's not my fault. 497 00:18:05,368 --> 00:18:07,736 I can't get a (bleep) word in edgewise around here. 498 00:18:07,804 --> 00:18:09,772 Kevin, I don't want to lose you again. 499 00:18:09,840 --> 00:18:11,540 But I do have a job to do. 500 00:18:11,608 --> 00:18:13,008 So get moving. 501 00:18:13,076 --> 00:18:15,294 'Cause there's at least one Swanson man in this room 502 00:18:15,361 --> 00:18:16,412 who does his duty. 503 00:18:16,496 --> 00:18:17,580 Doodie means poop. It does. 504 00:18:17,647 --> 00:18:18,714 Are you, Dad? 505 00:18:18,782 --> 00:18:20,649 Are you the only one who does his duty? 506 00:18:20,717 --> 00:18:22,184 That's not how I remember it. 507 00:18:22,252 --> 00:18:23,219 What are you talking about? 508 00:18:23,286 --> 00:18:24,637 You don't remember, do you? 509 00:18:24,704 --> 00:18:26,472 I was in first grade. 510 00:18:26,539 --> 00:18:28,691 You took me out with you on one of yo shifts. 511 00:18:28,758 --> 00:18:30,559 I just think it's presumptuous. 512 00:18:30,627 --> 00:18:32,595 I mean, come on, "the country's best yogurt"? 513 00:18:32,662 --> 00:18:33,929 You know, prove it. 514 00:18:33,997 --> 00:18:35,297 Show me your data. 515 00:18:35,365 --> 00:18:36,332 Help! Police! 516 00:18:36,399 --> 00:18:38,217 That man's a thief! 517 00:18:40,020 --> 00:18:41,387 Go get him, Dad! 518 00:18:51,064 --> 00:18:53,699 Reach for the sky, dirtbag! 519 00:18:57,053 --> 00:18:58,170 What the hell? 520 00:18:58,237 --> 00:18:59,388 I'm sorry, Officer. 521 00:18:59,456 --> 00:19:01,257 I-I was just trying to feed my family. 522 00:19:01,324 --> 00:19:03,859 I don't care what you were trying to do, you broke the law. 523 00:19:03,927 --> 00:19:04,877 I know. 524 00:19:04,945 --> 00:19:06,512 I didn't know what else to do. 525 00:19:06,580 --> 00:19:08,847 I have three very wide-eyed children to feed. 526 00:19:10,634 --> 00:19:13,569 Wide-eyed children are the hungriest. 527 00:19:13,637 --> 00:19:16,939 Kids, Daddy has to go away for a while, okay? 528 00:19:17,007 --> 00:19:18,707 Take care of Mommy until she dies tomorrow. 529 00:19:18,775 --> 00:19:20,109 It's okay, Daddy. 530 00:19:20,176 --> 00:19:21,944 I'll be the man of the shack while you're gone. 531 00:19:26,299 --> 00:19:29,368 Uh, listen, there's been a mistake. 532 00:19:29,436 --> 00:19:31,337 I'm not here to arrest your father. 533 00:19:31,404 --> 00:19:32,137 You're not? 534 00:19:32,205 --> 00:19:33,606 No, Son. 535 00:19:33,673 --> 00:19:36,442 I just came over to tell you what a great guy your father is 536 00:19:36,509 --> 00:19:38,744 and how hard he's been working for all of you. 537 00:19:38,812 --> 00:19:40,379 Wait. You're letting me go? 538 00:19:40,447 --> 00:19:41,880 I don't understand. 539 00:19:41,948 --> 00:19:43,983 I'm not sure I do either. 540 00:19:44,050 --> 00:19:46,552 I know the law says I have to arrest you. 541 00:19:46,620 --> 00:19:49,254 But sometimes the law is just a piece of paper. 542 00:19:49,306 --> 00:19:51,223 There's right, there's wrong, 543 00:19:51,290 --> 00:19:54,243 and somewhere in between, there's life. 544 00:19:54,311 --> 00:19:56,145 You folks have a good day. 545 00:19:58,181 --> 00:20:00,482 I never forgot what you did. 546 00:20:00,550 --> 00:20:03,185 Well, thanks for coming, you guys. 547 00:20:03,253 --> 00:20:05,220 You know what you were doing that day, Dad? 548 00:20:05,288 --> 00:20:06,689 You were breaking the law. 549 00:20:06,756 --> 00:20:09,642 You knew what your duty told you you were supposed to do, 550 00:20:09,709 --> 00:20:12,444 but instead, you did what you thought was right. 551 00:20:12,512 --> 00:20:15,648 I haven't thought about that family in years. 552 00:20:15,715 --> 00:20:17,249 I think about them all the time. 553 00:20:17,317 --> 00:20:19,551 And the example you set for me that day. 554 00:20:19,619 --> 00:20:21,453 It's the very reason I left Iraq. 555 00:20:21,521 --> 00:20:23,722 It sucks how early I have to work. 556 00:20:24,924 --> 00:20:26,959 Well, Kevin, I still can't say 557 00:20:27,027 --> 00:20:29,128 that I agree with your choice. 558 00:20:29,195 --> 00:20:30,729 Not one bit. 559 00:20:30,797 --> 00:20:32,264 But I suppose sometimes a man 560 00:20:32,332 --> 00:20:34,066 has to do what he thinks is right. 561 00:20:34,134 --> 00:20:36,168 And if that's what you thought was right, 562 00:20:36,236 --> 00:20:37,836 I guess I can accept it. 563 00:20:39,105 --> 00:20:40,506 I'm glad you're home, son. 564 00:20:40,573 --> 00:20:41,940 Me, too, Dad. 565 00:20:43,943 --> 00:20:46,795 You know, there's still some pumpkin pie left, everyone. 566 00:20:46,863 --> 00:20:48,063 That sounds good to me. 567 00:20:48,148 --> 00:20:49,198 Me, too. 568 00:20:49,282 --> 00:20:51,817 Hey, happy Thanksgiving to us all, huh? 569 00:20:54,371 --> 00:20:56,321 USA! USA! 570 00:20:56,373 --> 00:20:57,289 Wait! 571 00:20:57,357 --> 00:20:58,791 That man's an imposter. 572 00:20:58,858 --> 00:21:00,693 I'm the real Kevin Swanson! 573 00:21:00,760 --> 00:21:02,161 Guys, I don't think we have time for this. 574 00:21:02,978 --> 00:21:06,978 == sync, corrected by elderman ==