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00:00:01,169 --> 00:00:04,438
♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
2
00:00:04,566 --> 00:00:07,868
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
3
00:00:07,920 --> 00:00:11,339
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
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00:00:11,390 --> 00:00:14,309
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
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♪ All the things that make us ♪
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♪ Laugh and cry ♪
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♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
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00:00:27,051 --> 00:00:30,551
♪ Family Guy 10x08 ♪
Cool Hand Peter
Original Air Date on December 27, 2011
11
00:00:30,552 --> 00:00:34,052
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
12
00:00:34,113 --> 00:00:35,647
So, Cleveland,
you got to be pretty psyched
13
00:00:35,714 --> 00:00:37,081
about President Ubama, huh?
14
00:00:37,149 --> 00:00:38,600
W-What?
15
00:00:38,667 --> 00:00:40,685
Well, I mean, you remember how
a lot of people said, like,
16
00:00:40,769 --> 00:00:42,303
"Oh, Ubama's not gonna
be able to do it,"
17
00:00:42,371 --> 00:00:43,538
but he's-he's
hanging in there.
18
00:00:43,606 --> 00:00:45,223
Peter, it's "Obama."
19
00:00:45,291 --> 00:00:47,191
Eh, You-bama, Me-bama,
We-bama, who cares?
20
00:00:47,259 --> 00:00:49,477
It's a black guy in a suit,
let's just marvel at that.
21
00:00:49,545 --> 00:00:50,945
Gosh, Cleveland,
it sure is great
22
00:00:51,013 --> 00:00:53,498
having you back at The Clam,
even if it's just for a week.
23
00:00:53,565 --> 00:00:55,483
(ringtone):
♪ My name is Cleveland Brown ♪
24
00:00:55,551 --> 00:00:57,418
♪ And I am proud to be... ♪
25
00:00:57,486 --> 00:00:59,120
Oh, hang on, that's
my cell phone.
26
00:00:59,188 --> 00:01:00,955
Aw, Peter,
you're using the song!
27
00:01:01,023 --> 00:01:02,223
Thank you.
28
00:01:02,291 --> 00:01:03,625
Well, the numbers
ain't so good,
29
00:01:03,692 --> 00:01:05,543
so we got to do everything
we can-- Hello, Lois.
30
00:01:05,611 --> 00:01:07,095
Peter, where the hell are you?
31
00:01:07,162 --> 00:01:09,480
You told me you were gonna clean
out those boxes in the basement
32
00:01:09,548 --> 00:01:10,682
and put them in the attic.
33
00:01:10,749 --> 00:01:12,133
Lois, it just sounds like
busy work.
34
00:01:12,201 --> 00:01:13,551
It is busy work.
35
00:01:13,619 --> 00:01:15,553
I'm trying to keep you
off the streets and off drugs.
36
00:01:15,621 --> 00:01:17,622
I'm selling those candy bars!
37
00:01:19,758 --> 00:01:22,593
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, you
want to buy some candy bars
38
00:01:22,661 --> 00:01:24,963
so we can get some new uniforms
for our baseball team?
39
00:01:25,030 --> 00:01:26,881
Where'd you get
those candy bars?
40
00:01:28,017 --> 00:01:29,567
Peter, I need you home.
41
00:01:29,635 --> 00:01:31,736
You also promised you'd fix
that shelf in the garage.
44
00:01:34,573 --> 00:01:36,407
Hello? Hello?
45
00:01:36,475 --> 00:01:37,408
Hello?
46
00:01:37,493 --> 00:01:38,660
Oh, hey, Lois.
47
00:01:38,727 --> 00:01:40,361
This is somebody else now.
48
00:01:40,429 --> 00:01:42,263
There must've been
a cross connection.
49
00:01:42,331 --> 00:01:44,399
My name is Mike,
and I'm somewhere else
50
00:01:44,466 --> 00:01:45,667
trying to make my own call.
51
00:01:45,734 --> 00:01:47,068
Fine, Mike.
52
00:01:47,136 --> 00:01:49,203
You tell Peter he's in trouble
when he gets home.
53
00:01:49,271 --> 00:01:51,973
You can tell him yourself,
because Mike is Peter!
54
00:01:52,041 --> 00:01:53,107
Oh, my God.
55
00:01:53,175 --> 00:01:54,342
Are you serious?
56
00:01:54,410 --> 00:01:55,910
That was very good, Peter.
57
00:01:55,978 --> 00:01:57,011
I know!
58
00:01:57,079 --> 00:01:58,446
(sighs)
Geez.
59
00:01:58,514 --> 00:02:00,631
That's all my life is lately,
just a bunch of chores.
60
00:02:00,699 --> 00:02:03,167
I'm sick of Lois always
making me do stupid stuff.
61
00:02:03,235 --> 00:02:04,535
I know what you're saying,
Peter.
62
00:02:04,603 --> 00:02:05,903
Bonnie's always making me do
63
00:02:05,971 --> 00:02:08,306
all these impossible
household tasks.
64
00:02:08,374 --> 00:02:09,841
BONNIE:
Joe, make sure you get
65
00:02:09,908 --> 00:02:12,210
all the tire tracks
out of the carpet.
66
00:02:23,372 --> 00:02:24,872
Learn to live with it, Bonnie!
67
00:02:24,940 --> 00:02:26,074
There are tracks!
68
00:02:26,141 --> 00:02:27,608
People make tracks!
69
00:02:27,676 --> 00:02:28,810
Boy, I hear you, too.
70
00:02:28,877 --> 00:02:30,311
It's a lot of work
just to keep
71
00:02:30,379 --> 00:02:32,046
my single guy fridge
sufficiently depressing.
72
00:02:33,482 --> 00:02:34,549
Let's see.
73
00:02:34,616 --> 00:02:36,150
Ex-girlfriend's Yoplait.
74
00:02:36,218 --> 00:02:37,719
Root beer from two Julys ago.
75
00:02:37,786 --> 00:02:39,387
Here we go, expired milk.
76
00:02:39,455 --> 00:02:41,489
(chuckles)
77
00:02:41,557 --> 00:02:43,925
Oh, my God, Jenny,
look how young you look.
78
00:02:43,992 --> 00:02:45,660
I sympathize with y'all.
79
00:02:45,728 --> 00:02:50,131
Donna makes me listen to Gayle
King on XM Radio 19 hours a day.
80
00:02:50,199 --> 00:02:51,766
I tried to kill myself by
81
00:02:51,834 --> 00:02:54,368
swallowing a nail clipper,
but I passed it.
82
00:02:54,436 --> 00:02:55,837
What the hell
happened to us?
83
00:02:55,904 --> 00:02:57,972
We used to be able to do
whatever the hell we wanted.
84
00:02:58,040 --> 00:02:59,640
Now here we are,
in the prime of our lives,
85
00:02:59,708 --> 00:03:01,392
and we're slaves to our women.
86
00:03:01,460 --> 00:03:03,327
I know. An exciting
day for me
87
00:03:03,395 --> 00:03:05,196
is when I watch
wheelchair porn.
88
00:03:05,264 --> 00:03:06,864
Boy, do the sparks
fly on those.
89
00:03:06,932 --> 00:03:08,366
Oh, is it hot?
90
00:03:08,434 --> 00:03:11,519
Nah, it's mostly just chairs
smashing into each other.
91
00:03:11,587 --> 00:03:13,821
Sometimes the director
has to come on camera
92
00:03:13,889 --> 00:03:15,323
just to turn the
chairs around.
93
00:03:15,390 --> 00:03:17,175
Well, why don't we make
our own excitement?
94
00:03:17,242 --> 00:03:18,876
- What do you mean?
- I don't know, like,
95
00:03:18,944 --> 00:03:20,011
maybe the four
of us should
96
00:03:20,079 --> 00:03:21,212
do something
to reclaim our freedom.
97
00:03:21,296 --> 00:03:22,847
Like go on a road trip,
find some adventure.
98
00:03:22,915 --> 00:03:24,449
Quagmire,
that's a great idea!
99
00:03:24,516 --> 00:03:25,967
Let's do a road trip!
Who's in?
100
00:03:28,654 --> 00:03:29,821
No. No, no.
101
00:03:29,888 --> 00:03:31,389
No, n-not you, Seamus.
102
00:03:31,457 --> 00:03:32,457
SEAMUS:
Ah, poo.
103
00:03:35,794 --> 00:03:37,728
All right, listen up, ladies.
104
00:03:37,796 --> 00:03:40,364
We got something to say and we
ain't taking "no" for an answer.
105
00:03:40,432 --> 00:03:41,799
We are going on a road trip.
106
00:03:41,867 --> 00:03:43,317
We don't know how long
we'll be gone,
107
00:03:43,385 --> 00:03:45,186
and don't expect a call
from us to check in.
108
00:03:45,254 --> 00:03:47,421
This trip is about men
being men.
109
00:03:47,489 --> 00:03:49,490
We will drive
after a couple of beers
110
00:03:49,558 --> 00:03:51,275
and not make a big
federal case about it.
111
00:03:51,343 --> 00:03:53,611
We're gonna sneeze and not
put our hand over (bleep).
112
00:03:53,679 --> 00:03:55,580
And there ain't nothing
you can do to stop us!
113
00:03:55,647 --> 00:03:56,714
Yeah, okay with me.
114
00:03:56,782 --> 00:03:57,615
- Sure.
- Fine.
115
00:03:57,683 --> 00:03:59,050
That'll be nice.
116
00:03:59,118 --> 00:04:00,585
It'll give us a chance
to have some girl time.
117
00:04:00,652 --> 00:04:02,720
Oh. All right, then.
118
00:04:02,788 --> 00:04:03,888
Where are you boys going?
119
00:04:03,956 --> 00:04:05,056
We're going to New Orleans.
120
00:04:05,124 --> 00:04:06,924
The party capital of America.
121
00:04:06,992 --> 00:04:09,193
Home of the
All-You-Can-Pee Street.
122
00:04:09,261 --> 00:04:12,029
I'll tell you one thing, it's
all about the beads down there.
123
00:04:19,571 --> 00:04:21,756
We all know
what's going on here.
124
00:04:21,824 --> 00:04:23,658
It's just implied,
but we all know
125
00:04:23,725 --> 00:04:25,243
what's going on
in this thought bubble.
126
00:04:25,327 --> 00:04:27,195
The kids don't know, but we do.
127
00:04:41,710 --> 00:04:45,296
Boy, I'm sure getting my money's
worth out of this rental car.
128
00:04:45,380 --> 00:04:46,764
Okay, all right,
I got one.
129
00:04:46,849 --> 00:04:49,383
Would you rather be a hobo
with a five percent chance
130
00:04:49,434 --> 00:04:51,302
of getting inherited
by a rich guy
131
00:04:51,386 --> 00:04:54,472
or be Hitler two years before
the end of World War II?
132
00:04:54,556 --> 00:04:56,390
'Cause you know you're gonna
have to shoot yourself,
133
00:04:56,441 --> 00:04:58,109
but you still got two
more years as Hitler.
134
00:04:58,193 --> 00:04:59,894
If you're the hobo, do you, uh,
135
00:04:59,945 --> 00:05:02,263
have a place to sleep,
like an underpass or...?
136
00:05:02,314 --> 00:05:03,264
Different every night.
137
00:05:03,315 --> 00:05:04,949
As Hitler, can I change
138
00:05:05,033 --> 00:05:06,934
certain policies
so that maybe I'm looked on
139
00:05:06,985 --> 00:05:08,819
more favorably
at the end of the war?
140
00:05:08,904 --> 00:05:11,205
No, you already screwed up
big-time-- lot of dead Jews.
141
00:05:11,273 --> 00:05:13,958
Am I a blue state
or a red state hobo?
142
00:05:14,042 --> 00:05:16,443
Blue, but
Midwestern blue.
143
00:05:16,495 --> 00:05:17,995
Oh, boy.
(grumbling)
144
00:05:18,080 --> 00:05:20,047
I don't think so,
it's cold out there.
145
00:05:20,115 --> 00:05:21,448
Am I allowed
to alter the mustache?
146
00:05:21,500 --> 00:05:23,467
Dude, why do you keep
trying to make Hitler work?
147
00:05:23,552 --> 00:05:26,787
Am I allowed to kill other hobos
to increase my odds?
148
00:05:26,838 --> 00:05:28,306
Kill anyone you
like; you're a hobo.
149
00:05:28,390 --> 00:05:29,840
Am I a walking hobo?
150
00:05:29,925 --> 00:05:31,809
No. Quagmire and Cleveland
are, but you're not.
151
00:05:31,894 --> 00:05:33,844
So, wait, I would also
be a paralyzed Hitler?
152
00:05:33,929 --> 00:05:35,096
Yeah.
153
00:05:35,147 --> 00:05:36,731
Would I be
a black Hitler?
154
00:05:36,798 --> 00:05:38,316
Yes. No.
155
00:05:38,400 --> 00:05:40,484
Well, wait a minute,
now how come I got to be
156
00:05:40,569 --> 00:05:42,019
crippled Hitler
and he's still white Hitler?
157
00:05:42,104 --> 00:05:44,188
If you got such a problem with
it, Joe, just be the hobo!
158
00:05:44,273 --> 00:05:45,439
This one isn't very fun.
159
00:05:45,490 --> 00:05:47,275
Wait a minute, where are we?
160
00:05:47,326 --> 00:05:49,744
Yeah, this doesn't look like
the main highway anymore.
161
00:05:49,811 --> 00:05:50,995
You think we made
a wrong turn?
162
00:05:51,079 --> 00:05:52,146
I hope not.
163
00:05:52,197 --> 00:05:53,781
These backwoods parts
of the Deep South
164
00:05:53,832 --> 00:05:55,700
ain't a place
you want to get lost in.
165
00:05:55,784 --> 00:05:57,535
(siren wailing)
166
00:05:57,619 --> 00:05:58,452
Oh, no.
167
00:06:01,873 --> 00:06:03,224
Don't worry
about it, guys.
168
00:06:03,292 --> 00:06:05,259
I read nowhere that Southern
sheriffs really want
169
00:06:05,327 --> 00:06:07,161
to be talked down to by
big-shot Northerners.
170
00:06:09,331 --> 00:06:10,481
Afternoon.
171
00:06:10,549 --> 00:06:11,983
Officer, what is it?
172
00:06:12,050 --> 00:06:13,951
We are in a tremendous
urban rush.
173
00:06:14,019 --> 00:06:16,053
You fellas ain't from
around here, are you?
174
00:06:16,121 --> 00:06:17,888
Hey, Sheriff,
I'm trying to learn Southern.
175
00:06:17,956 --> 00:06:19,257
Is this saying anything?
176
00:06:19,324 --> 00:06:21,525
A-doy-doy-doy-doy!
177
00:06:21,593 --> 00:06:24,128
We're very sorry, Sheriff,
and we want to cooperate
178
00:06:24,196 --> 00:06:25,896
to the fullest extent possible.
179
00:06:25,964 --> 00:06:26,981
You threatening me?
180
00:06:27,049 --> 00:06:28,115
Uh, no, sir.
181
00:06:28,183 --> 00:06:29,717
Who you calling "sir," boy?
182
00:06:29,785 --> 00:06:32,353
I'm an officer of the law,
paid by this county.
183
00:06:32,421 --> 00:06:34,922
And I can't help noticing
you got a headlight out.
184
00:06:34,990 --> 00:06:36,324
Really?
I don't see any...
185
00:06:37,893 --> 00:06:40,328
And I see that turn signal
ain't working neither.
186
00:06:41,263 --> 00:06:42,396
Now, look, sir,
187
00:06:42,464 --> 00:06:43,898
I'm a police officer, too.
188
00:06:43,966 --> 00:06:45,967
I know all the games;
I use them myself.
189
00:06:46,034 --> 00:06:48,219
So what do you say
we just work something out?
190
00:06:48,303 --> 00:06:49,503
So, you're a cop, huh?
191
00:06:49,571 --> 00:06:51,973
Let me see your badge.
192
00:06:53,475 --> 00:06:55,376
Looks like you're
a civilian now.
193
00:06:55,444 --> 00:06:58,145
I'm gonna have to
search your vehicle.
194
00:06:59,998 --> 00:07:00,982
Well, lookie here.
195
00:07:01,049 --> 00:07:02,700
What do we got in this thing?
196
00:07:02,768 --> 00:07:04,752
Oh, come on!
You planted that there!
197
00:07:04,820 --> 00:07:05,920
We had drugs?
198
00:07:05,988 --> 00:07:07,721
Oh, my God,
why am I driving drunk
199
00:07:07,773 --> 00:07:09,073
when I could've been
driving high?
200
00:07:09,141 --> 00:07:11,242
You boys are in
a lot of trouble.
201
00:07:11,310 --> 00:07:13,110
Dispatch,
Sheriff Nichols.
202
00:07:13,178 --> 00:07:14,328
Bringing in four
perpetrators
203
00:07:14,396 --> 00:07:16,063
under suspicion of
drug possession.
204
00:07:16,131 --> 00:07:18,432
Descriptions: one
African-American,
205
00:07:18,500 --> 00:07:20,334
one crippled, one
skinny, one handsome.
206
00:07:20,402 --> 00:07:21,635
Yes.
207
00:07:21,703 --> 00:07:23,704
You're all coming down
to the station with me.
208
00:07:23,772 --> 00:07:24,739
Aw, crap!
209
00:07:24,806 --> 00:07:26,307
Hang on, hang on,
you guys.
210
00:07:26,375 --> 00:07:27,908
Don't worry. I know how to
speak this guy's language.
211
00:07:27,959 --> 00:07:31,012
Keith Urban.
212
00:07:31,079 --> 00:07:32,446
Go on.
213
00:07:32,514 --> 00:07:34,448
Brett Favre.
214
00:07:34,516 --> 00:07:35,483
Uh-huh.
215
00:07:35,550 --> 00:07:37,518
I'm listening.
216
00:07:37,586 --> 00:07:39,253
William H. Macy?
217
00:07:39,321 --> 00:07:41,455
You guys are going
away for a long time.
218
00:07:53,149 --> 00:07:54,047
Look at this, Cleveland.
219
00:07:54,048 --> 00:07:55,798
Front of the bus,
back of the bus,
220
00:07:55,849 --> 00:07:57,634
middle of the bus--
you guys are doing great.
221
00:07:57,685 --> 00:07:58,885
I can't believe this.
222
00:07:58,969 --> 00:08:00,720
Two weeks in prison
on trumped-up charges.
223
00:08:00,804 --> 00:08:02,655
That trial was a total sham.
224
00:08:02,723 --> 00:08:05,091
Yeah, I knew we were in trouble
the minute I saw the jury.
225
00:08:07,378 --> 00:08:09,445
Well, at least they're
a jury of our peers.
226
00:08:09,513 --> 00:08:11,581
I don't think they see it
that way, Peter.
227
00:08:18,322 --> 00:08:20,023
Hello, gentlemen.
228
00:08:20,090 --> 00:08:21,524
I am the warden.
229
00:08:21,592 --> 00:08:24,260
You are here
because you are criminals.
230
00:08:24,328 --> 00:08:25,695
This is not a resort.
231
00:08:25,746 --> 00:08:27,830
You will be worked harder
than you have ever
232
00:08:27,881 --> 00:08:30,550
been worked in your miserable,
pathetic lives.
233
00:08:30,634 --> 00:08:32,568
And play
harder, right?
234
00:08:32,636 --> 00:08:33,736
I bet.
235
00:08:33,804 --> 00:08:34,704
Step forward, maggot!
236
00:08:36,390 --> 00:08:37,873
(grunts)
237
00:08:37,925 --> 00:08:40,059
Next time, that'll be you.
238
00:08:40,127 --> 00:08:42,028
Well, why wasn't
it him this time?!
239
00:08:42,096 --> 00:08:44,063
Oh, I'm so scared.
240
00:08:44,148 --> 00:08:45,231
(grunting)
241
00:08:45,316 --> 00:08:46,766
Peter, stop it!
242
00:08:46,850 --> 00:08:49,202
Yeah, you're real big when
you got that stick, ain't you?
243
00:08:49,269 --> 00:08:50,436
Okay, I'll stop now.
244
00:08:53,874 --> 00:08:55,742
This is so much fun,
isn't it?
245
00:08:55,809 --> 00:08:56,776
I know.
246
00:08:56,844 --> 00:08:58,177
What should we talk
about next?
247
00:08:58,245 --> 00:09:00,113
I know, let's talk
about actresses.
248
00:09:00,180 --> 00:09:01,280
Ooh, yeah.
249
00:09:01,348 --> 00:09:03,282
I feel like Natalie Portman
250
00:09:03,350 --> 00:09:05,785
thinks she's so much better
than everybody.
251
00:09:05,853 --> 00:09:08,121
She's nothing, and her
husband's a nobody.
252
00:09:08,188 --> 00:09:09,522
Why does Laura
Linney always
253
00:09:09,590 --> 00:09:10,907
look like she's just
finished skiing?
254
00:09:10,974 --> 00:09:12,308
I don't know
who that is.
255
00:09:12,376 --> 00:09:14,610
Really? The Big C?
Love Actually?
256
00:09:14,678 --> 00:09:15,912
No, never heard of her.
257
00:09:15,979 --> 00:09:17,213
Would you know
who she was
258
00:09:17,281 --> 00:09:18,948
if I said Tyler
Perry's Laura Linney?
259
00:09:19,016 --> 00:09:20,316
Ooh, I love her.
260
00:09:25,856 --> 00:09:27,974
Oh, God, it's so hot out here.
261
00:09:28,042 --> 00:09:30,059
Yeah, you knew it was
gonna be hot when you heard
262
00:09:30,127 --> 00:09:32,395
that lonesome slide guitar
and that hawk's cry.
263
00:09:32,463 --> 00:09:34,931
(guitar plays somber riff)
264
00:09:34,998 --> 00:09:36,899
(hawk screeches)
265
00:09:36,967 --> 00:09:38,468
Hey! This ain't break time!
266
00:09:38,535 --> 00:09:41,154
Get back to work!
267
00:09:41,221 --> 00:09:43,589
♪ Gonna see Miss Liza ♪
268
00:09:43,657 --> 00:09:45,941
♪ Gonna go to Mississippi ♪
269
00:09:45,993 --> 00:09:48,511
♪ Gonna see Miss Liza ♪
270
00:09:48,579 --> 00:09:50,780
♪ Gonna go to Mississippi ♪
271
00:09:50,831 --> 00:09:53,282
♪ Gonna see Miss Liza ♪
272
00:09:53,333 --> 00:09:55,001
♪ Gonna go to Mississippi. ♪
273
00:09:55,085 --> 00:09:56,969
Man, listen to
what the black guys are doing.
274
00:09:57,054 --> 00:09:58,788
We need a white
guy work song.
275
00:09:58,856 --> 00:10:00,256
(lively music playing)
276
00:10:00,307 --> 00:10:01,257
♪ Hello ♪
277
00:10:01,308 --> 00:10:02,225
♪ How are you? ♪
278
00:10:02,292 --> 00:10:03,226
♪ How's the folks? ♪
279
00:10:03,293 --> 00:10:04,610
♪ What's new? ♪
280
00:10:04,678 --> 00:10:05,762
♪ I'm great ♪
♪ That's good ♪
281
00:10:05,813 --> 00:10:06,729
♪ Ha-ha ♪
282
00:10:06,797 --> 00:10:08,064
♪ Knock wood ♪
283
00:10:08,131 --> 00:10:09,348
♪ Well, well ♪
♪ That's life ♪
284
00:10:09,433 --> 00:10:10,400
♪ What do you know? ♪
285
00:10:10,467 --> 00:10:11,651
♪ How's the wife? ♪
286
00:10:11,735 --> 00:10:13,019
♪ Got to run ♪
♪ Oh, my ♪
287
00:10:13,087 --> 00:10:14,020
♪ Ta-ta ♪
♪ Olive oil ♪
288
00:10:14,088 --> 00:10:15,104
♪ Good-bye. ♪
289
00:10:15,155 --> 00:10:17,006
(shoes tapping rhythmically)
290
00:10:26,250 --> 00:10:27,683
You Peter Griffin?
291
00:10:27,751 --> 00:10:29,419
Oh, yeah, thanks.
292
00:10:29,486 --> 00:10:30,837
What the hell is that?
293
00:10:30,904 --> 00:10:32,105
It's a jet pack.
294
00:10:32,172 --> 00:10:34,090
I'll come back for you guys,
I promise.
295
00:10:37,828 --> 00:10:41,230
You're my friend and everything
and I feel bad saying this,
296
00:10:41,298 --> 00:10:43,433
but I wanted to see you fail.
297
00:10:53,644 --> 00:10:55,878
Official prediction:
when they let us out of here,
298
00:10:55,946 --> 00:10:58,114
we're gonna have to go through
the prison gift shop.
299
00:10:58,182 --> 00:10:59,982
(men grumbling)
Oh, I hate doing that.
300
00:11:00,050 --> 00:11:01,551
That's how
they get you.
301
00:11:01,618 --> 00:11:04,020
Man, it's gonna feel so good
to walk out of here tomorrow.
302
00:11:04,087 --> 00:11:06,255
Yeah, you know,
the time actually went by faster
303
00:11:06,323 --> 00:11:07,457
than I would have thought.
304
00:11:07,524 --> 00:11:09,192
Uh, you know something?
305
00:11:09,259 --> 00:11:10,893
We left Quahog to find adventure
306
00:11:10,961 --> 00:11:13,396
and get away from all
those lame chores at home,
307
00:11:13,464 --> 00:11:15,031
but I'll tell you this.
308
00:11:15,098 --> 00:11:18,267
Looking back on it now, I don't
think our lives are so bad.
309
00:11:18,335 --> 00:11:20,169
Yeah, I sure do miss Lois
and the kids.
310
00:11:20,237 --> 00:11:21,504
I'll tell you one thing.
311
00:11:21,572 --> 00:11:23,539
When I get home,
I'm gonna sleep like a log.
312
00:11:23,607 --> 00:11:26,559
Hey, I'm gonna plug in the
night-light if you don't mind.
313
00:11:26,627 --> 00:11:27,977
Actually, you know what?
314
00:11:28,044 --> 00:11:30,580
I'm gonna go ahead and
ask you to not do that.
315
00:11:30,647 --> 00:11:33,199
Knock off that chitchat!
It's lights out!
316
00:11:33,267 --> 00:11:35,501
Oh, hey, Warden, since
it's our last night in here,
317
00:11:35,569 --> 00:11:37,336
can I have a glass of milk?
318
00:11:37,404 --> 00:11:38,805
I feel like having
dream diarrhea.
319
00:11:38,872 --> 00:11:40,490
Last night?
320
00:11:40,557 --> 00:11:42,225
Where do you think
y'all are going?
321
00:11:42,292 --> 00:11:45,361
Says here you got another
30 days on your sentence.
322
00:11:45,429 --> 00:11:47,997
What?! But the court said we're
supposed to go home tomorrow!
323
00:11:48,065 --> 00:11:50,066
Well, the court
ain't here, is it?
324
00:11:50,133 --> 00:11:52,885
(Warden laughs)
325
00:11:52,953 --> 00:11:54,353
Oh, man, how the hell
are we gonna do this
326
00:11:54,421 --> 00:11:55,521
for another 30 days?
327
00:11:55,589 --> 00:11:56,756
(man chuckles)
328
00:11:56,824 --> 00:11:58,925
That's the way
it goes around here.
329
00:11:58,992 --> 00:12:01,594
Once you come in,
you're never allowed to leave.
330
00:12:01,662 --> 00:12:04,263
I got my sentence extended
30 days once.
331
00:12:04,331 --> 00:12:06,666
That was 45 years ago.
332
00:12:06,733 --> 00:12:08,084
Oh, my God,
you hear that?
333
00:12:08,151 --> 00:12:09,585
We're gonna be stuck
in here forever!
334
00:12:09,653 --> 00:12:11,304
Oh, God, what are we gonna do?
335
00:12:11,371 --> 00:12:12,805
Well, I know
what I'm gonna do.
336
00:12:12,873 --> 00:12:14,507
If we're gonna be here a while,
337
00:12:14,575 --> 00:12:17,343
I'm gonna find the biggest guy
here and kick his ass.
338
00:12:17,411 --> 00:12:18,544
Wait a minute.
That's me!
339
00:12:18,612 --> 00:12:20,696
Oh, no, I have a knife!
340
00:12:27,846 --> 00:12:29,317
Oh, what are we gonna do?!
341
00:12:29,318 --> 00:12:31,519
They're gonna keep us
locked up here forever!
342
00:12:31,570 --> 00:12:33,338
We're not staying
in here forever.
343
00:12:33,406 --> 00:12:34,973
- We're getting out of here.
- How?
344
00:12:35,041 --> 00:12:36,524
We're breaking out.
345
00:12:36,592 --> 00:12:37,325
What?
346
00:12:37,393 --> 00:12:38,710
Look, sometimes in life,
347
00:12:38,778 --> 00:12:41,062
you got to say, "What the hell,"
and just go for it.
348
00:12:41,130 --> 00:12:42,964
I mean, that's how
we won the Revolutionary War.
349
00:12:43,032 --> 00:12:46,568
Colonel, the British are too
entrenched across the river.
350
00:12:46,635 --> 00:12:48,369
I've told the men
we'll hold our position.
351
00:12:52,291 --> 00:12:54,259
Negative. Tell the men,
we're going across.
352
00:12:54,326 --> 00:12:55,894
But Colonel Goatbanger,
we've...
353
00:12:55,961 --> 00:12:57,445
No, we need to do this,
354
00:12:57,513 --> 00:12:59,180
'cause... for...
'cause of... for strategy.
355
00:13:04,954 --> 00:13:06,888
All right, if we're
gonna break out of here,
356
00:13:06,939 --> 00:13:08,323
we got to get past
these guards.
357
00:13:08,390 --> 00:13:09,791
Well, I got an idea.
358
00:13:09,859 --> 00:13:11,776
It won't be pretty,
but bear with me.
359
00:13:11,861 --> 00:13:13,311
(groaning)
360
00:13:13,379 --> 00:13:15,346
Oh, no, I fell out
of my wheelchair!
361
00:13:15,414 --> 00:13:16,614
(groaning)
362
00:13:16,699 --> 00:13:17,932
(strained groaning, sighs)
363
00:13:18,000 --> 00:13:19,200
Don't help me!
364
00:13:19,268 --> 00:13:21,136
I need to do this on my own!
365
00:13:21,203 --> 00:13:23,171
What are you doing, Joe?
You're embarrassing us.
366
00:13:23,239 --> 00:13:24,572
Oh, really?
Are they looking?
367
00:13:27,676 --> 00:13:30,411
No. They're actually going
to great lengths to avoid it.
368
00:13:30,479 --> 00:13:32,046
Exactly. No one wants
369
00:13:32,114 --> 00:13:34,382
to watch a handicap
struggle for independence.
370
00:13:34,450 --> 00:13:37,485
This will buy us at least
15 minutes of averted gazes.
371
00:13:37,553 --> 00:13:39,521
All right,
I'm gonna nail this home.
372
00:13:39,588 --> 00:13:41,422
Oh! Oh, this is
so humiliating.
373
00:13:41,474 --> 00:13:45,210
I'm about to be an
adult man crying.
374
00:13:45,277 --> 00:13:47,112
(Joe sobs loudly)
375
00:13:54,620 --> 00:13:56,654
I can't walk!
376
00:13:56,722 --> 00:13:58,756
Why the hell
can't I walk?!
377
00:13:58,824 --> 00:14:01,693
This isn't
part of the act anymore!
378
00:14:01,777 --> 00:14:03,678
No, no, no, no,
don't look.
379
00:14:03,746 --> 00:14:05,880
If you make eye contact,
you'll have to help.
380
00:14:07,917 --> 00:14:09,650
Hey, they're
getting away!
381
00:14:10,953 --> 00:14:12,704
Release the dogs!
382
00:14:12,788 --> 00:14:14,873
(barking)
383
00:14:16,158 --> 00:14:18,259
(high-pitched barking)
384
00:14:20,179 --> 00:14:21,930
(barking continues,
chains jangling)
385
00:14:36,011 --> 00:14:37,278
(barking)
386
00:14:45,354 --> 00:14:46,520
Oh, we did it!
387
00:14:46,572 --> 00:14:47,822
Your plan worked, Joe!
388
00:14:47,873 --> 00:14:49,741
I told you those guards
would turn away.
389
00:14:49,825 --> 00:14:51,209
Yeah, Joe, that
was amazing!
390
00:14:51,293 --> 00:14:53,645
That was easier than taking
candy from a premature baby.
391
00:14:53,712 --> 00:14:55,547
(rhythmic beeping)
392
00:14:57,883 --> 00:15:00,902
I'm, uh...
I'm just gonna take this.
393
00:15:07,459 --> 00:15:09,327
(loud laughter)
394
00:15:11,013 --> 00:15:13,064
Hey, I got an idea
395
00:15:13,132 --> 00:15:15,433
for something that's gonna
be so (bleep) funny.
396
00:15:15,501 --> 00:15:17,936
(whispering)
397
00:15:18,003 --> 00:15:19,204
Okay, Bonnie,
go get it.
398
00:15:19,271 --> 00:15:20,838
It's in the closet.
399
00:15:20,906 --> 00:15:23,858
Brian! Brian,
come out here!
400
00:15:23,926 --> 00:15:25,476
What are you doing?!
401
00:15:25,544 --> 00:15:26,694
I'm reading.
402
00:15:26,762 --> 00:15:29,030
What... what... what...
403
00:15:29,098 --> 00:15:30,865
What are you reading?
404
00:15:30,933 --> 00:15:33,034
Well, I was just finishing
Jonathan Franzen's book.
405
00:15:33,102 --> 00:15:35,036
You know, I'll admit
it has its moments,
406
00:15:35,104 --> 00:15:36,537
but it's completely
overrated.
407
00:15:36,605 --> 00:15:39,274
I mean, I'm not saying I
wrote something similar to it
408
00:15:39,341 --> 00:15:40,942
several years ago,
but I am saying...
409
00:15:41,010 --> 00:15:42,310
Grab him!
(laughter)
410
00:15:42,378 --> 00:15:44,646
What? What? What? What?
Hey, what are you doing?! Hey!
411
00:15:44,713 --> 00:15:46,464
- Get his paw! Hold still!
- Hey! Hey! Hey! What?
412
00:15:46,548 --> 00:15:48,132
- Push him down onto all fours!
- No. What are you do...?
413
00:15:48,200 --> 00:15:49,701
- I don't want to do this.
- If he really starts freaking out,
414
00:15:49,768 --> 00:15:50,969
put your pinkie in his butt!
- Aah!
415
00:15:51,036 --> 00:15:52,136
(laughter,
Brian groaning)
416
00:15:52,204 --> 00:15:54,155
Calm down!
Calm down!
417
00:15:54,223 --> 00:15:55,440
(grunting)
418
00:15:55,507 --> 00:15:57,859
(laughter)
419
00:15:57,927 --> 00:15:59,427
Now Stewie!
420
00:15:59,495 --> 00:16:02,230
All right, I guess
this is the night bitches die.
421
00:16:04,783 --> 00:16:07,068
I wonder what the
chain gang did today.
422
00:16:07,119 --> 00:16:08,987
I hope we're not
missing anything cool.
423
00:16:09,071 --> 00:16:10,605
Maybe we should go back.
424
00:16:10,673 --> 00:16:11,823
Hey, guys, look,
there's a house.
425
00:16:13,392 --> 00:16:14,809
Maybe there's something inside
426
00:16:14,877 --> 00:16:16,594
we can use
to get these chains off.
427
00:16:25,170 --> 00:16:27,422
It looks like
nobody's home.
428
00:16:27,473 --> 00:16:29,507
Hey, these look like
handcuff and shackle keys.
429
00:16:29,575 --> 00:16:30,508
How do you know that?
430
00:16:30,576 --> 00:16:31,876
(chuckles)
431
00:16:31,944 --> 00:16:33,845
These are handcuff
and shackle keys.
432
00:16:33,929 --> 00:16:35,780
Hey, it worked!
433
00:16:37,733 --> 00:16:39,701
You know, there's an awful lot
of pictures
434
00:16:39,768 --> 00:16:41,269
of the sheriff in this house.
435
00:16:41,337 --> 00:16:42,637
Well, he's a good-looking man.
436
00:16:42,705 --> 00:16:45,373
I'll bet a lot of people
in town have pictures of him.
437
00:16:46,558 --> 00:16:49,010
Oh, no! It's the sheriff!
438
00:16:49,078 --> 00:16:50,411
Quick, into the closet!
439
00:16:57,836 --> 00:16:59,570
(farting)
Who's there?
440
00:16:59,638 --> 00:17:01,205
PETER (in high-pitched voice):
Just me, sweetie.
441
00:17:01,273 --> 00:17:02,907
Oh, I didn't know
you were home.
442
00:17:02,975 --> 00:17:04,776
What are you doing
in the closet there?
443
00:17:04,843 --> 00:17:06,244
Um... wife things?
444
00:17:06,312 --> 00:17:08,846
Oh, all right. Well, I'll only
be home for a minute.
445
00:17:08,914 --> 00:17:10,548
Some prisoners escaped
from the work camp,
446
00:17:10,616 --> 00:17:12,583
and I'm helping the warden
track 'em down.
447
00:17:12,651 --> 00:17:15,153
Oh. Well, maybe you
should let 'em go.
448
00:17:15,220 --> 00:17:16,871
You know I can't do that.
449
00:17:16,939 --> 00:17:18,606
You're always working.
450
00:17:18,674 --> 00:17:20,508
I wish you'd spend
more time at home.
451
00:17:20,576 --> 00:17:21,843
More time with me.
452
00:17:21,910 --> 00:17:23,077
Maybe you're right, honey.
453
00:17:23,145 --> 00:17:24,545
Maybe I do work too much.
454
00:17:24,613 --> 00:17:25,880
You know what?
455
00:17:25,948 --> 00:17:27,715
I'm gonna let
those fugitives go.
456
00:17:27,783 --> 00:17:29,117
You'd do that for me?
457
00:17:29,184 --> 00:17:30,835
I'd do anything for you.
458
00:17:30,903 --> 00:17:32,236
I love you.
459
00:17:32,304 --> 00:17:33,738
I love you, too!
460
00:17:33,806 --> 00:17:35,807
Now, come out here
and give me a kiss!
461
00:17:35,891 --> 00:17:37,508
Peter, no!
462
00:17:37,576 --> 00:17:39,477
Wait minute!
I don't have a wife!
463
00:17:39,545 --> 00:17:42,447
(gunshots)
464
00:17:42,514 --> 00:17:44,799
(gunfire continues)
465
00:17:44,866 --> 00:17:46,084
(sirens wailing)
466
00:17:46,168 --> 00:17:47,835
(tires squealing)
467
00:17:53,976 --> 00:17:56,511
(train whistle blowing)
468
00:17:56,562 --> 00:17:57,878
Head for the tracks!
469
00:18:00,733 --> 00:18:01,816
(gunfire)
470
00:18:01,883 --> 00:18:04,051
Oh, no!
They're shooting at us!
471
00:18:04,103 --> 00:18:06,154
Good thing bad guys are
such terrible shots.
472
00:18:06,221 --> 00:18:08,840
Man, these guys are elusive!
473
00:18:08,907 --> 00:18:10,358
Quick!
Hop on!
474
00:18:17,399 --> 00:18:19,784
- All right, we did it.
- We made it.
475
00:18:19,868 --> 00:18:21,619
That was a
close one!
476
00:18:21,703 --> 00:18:23,204
(sighs)
Well, guys, we made it.
477
00:18:23,255 --> 00:18:25,706
Boy, I feel like
I haven't eaten in a week.
478
00:18:25,758 --> 00:18:27,208
Hey, if we pass
a McDaniel's
479
00:18:27,259 --> 00:18:29,043
or a Burger Queen,
let's hop out.
480
00:18:29,094 --> 00:18:30,795
Oh, that's right,
we're on television.
481
00:18:30,879 --> 00:18:32,746
Oh, I'd love a
flame-broiled Bopper!
482
00:18:32,798 --> 00:18:36,050
So frustrating. We all know
what we're talking about.
483
00:18:36,101 --> 00:18:37,885
(train chugging,
train whistle blowing quietly)
484
00:18:40,755 --> 00:18:44,425
Well, this was
quite an adventure.
485
00:18:44,476 --> 00:18:46,861
Yeah, it's good to be
back in familiar territory.
486
00:18:46,928 --> 00:18:49,147
(gun chambers cocking)
487
00:18:49,214 --> 00:18:50,698
Where do y'all think
you're going?
488
00:18:50,766 --> 00:18:52,817
You boys are fugitives
of my county,
489
00:18:52,901 --> 00:18:54,952
and I'm gonna take you back.
490
00:18:55,020 --> 00:18:56,137
Oh, no!
491
00:18:56,205 --> 00:18:57,422
I don't think so.
492
00:18:57,489 --> 00:19:00,358
You're in my jurisdiction now,
Sheriff Butt Breath.
493
00:19:05,364 --> 00:19:07,415
Wow, Joe,
how'd you pull that off?
494
00:19:07,483 --> 00:19:09,717
I put in a call from
the McDaniel's pay phone
495
00:19:09,785 --> 00:19:12,286
while you guys were getting that
nine-piece chicken McFingers
496
00:19:12,354 --> 00:19:14,989
and those Diet Conks
and those Fresh Fries.
497
00:19:15,057 --> 00:19:17,458
Oh, come on. They-They
don't own "French fries!"
498
00:19:17,509 --> 00:19:20,561
You know, you got some nerve
driving around my town
499
00:19:20,629 --> 00:19:23,364
with a busted headlight.
500
00:19:23,432 --> 00:19:26,734
And a busted windshield.
501
00:19:26,801 --> 00:19:29,153
And an untreated flesh wound.
502
00:19:29,221 --> 00:19:31,606
(groaning)
503
00:19:31,673 --> 00:19:34,358
You took an oath just
the same as me, Sheriff.
504
00:19:34,426 --> 00:19:35,827
To protect and serve.
505
00:19:35,894 --> 00:19:37,595
Not to harass and douche.
506
00:19:37,679 --> 00:19:39,347
Just 'cause you have
a badge doesn't mean
507
00:19:39,414 --> 00:19:41,265
you can treat people
any way you like.
508
00:19:41,350 --> 00:19:43,184
And as a law enforcement
professional,
509
00:19:43,251 --> 00:19:45,303
you have an obligation to be
more ethically upstanding
510
00:19:45,387 --> 00:19:48,639
than the average man, not less.
511
00:19:48,724 --> 00:19:51,409
Now, get the hell
out of my town.
512
00:19:59,518 --> 00:20:01,519
Nice going, Joe!
513
00:20:01,587 --> 00:20:03,688
Well, it's great
being back in the North
514
00:20:03,755 --> 00:20:05,156
where people
are civilized.
515
00:20:05,224 --> 00:20:08,142
Hey, what, are you guys
all on a date?
516
00:20:08,210 --> 00:20:10,178
Gay!
517
00:20:13,582 --> 00:20:15,783
Oh, my God, Peter,
what an experience.
518
00:20:15,851 --> 00:20:18,719
But the important thing is
you're home safe.
519
00:20:18,787 --> 00:20:21,622
Yeah. And you know, I guess I
learned something from all this.
520
00:20:21,690 --> 00:20:23,057
(sighs)
You know what?
521
00:20:23,125 --> 00:20:24,909
We've done this a billion
times, so you know what?
522
00:20:24,977 --> 00:20:27,645
I'm just gonna
do the cadences.
523
00:20:27,713 --> 00:20:29,547
(speaking gibberish)
524
00:20:31,083 --> 00:20:32,934
(speaking gibberish)
525
00:20:34,603 --> 00:20:36,437
(speaking gibberish)
526
00:20:38,640 --> 00:20:40,091
(speaking gibberish)
527
00:20:40,158 --> 00:20:43,694
(speaking
gibberish)
528
00:20:43,762 --> 00:20:47,762
== sync, corrected by elderman ==