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♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
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00:00:04,053 --> 00:00:07,372
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
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00:00:07,423 --> 00:00:10,843
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
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00:00:10,910 --> 00:00:13,796
♪ On which we used to rely?
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♪ Lucky there's a family guy
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♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
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♪ All the things that make us
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♪ Laugh and cry
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♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
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♪ Family Guy 10x10 ♪
Meg and Quagmire
Original Air Date on January 8, 2012
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00:00:32,527 --> 00:00:36,027
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
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You guys, don't you think
I'm a little old
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00:00:38,426 --> 00:00:40,777
for the Teen Choice Awards?
I mean, I turned 18 today.
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Oh, come on, Meg.
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You always used to love
the Teen Choice Awards.
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00:00:44,315 --> 00:00:46,049
Yeah, ever since Fox
pulled this contrived night
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of out of
their ass, in an effort
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00:00:48,786 --> 00:00:50,320
to get in on the awards
show business,
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00:00:50,387 --> 00:00:52,238
it's been very
special to you.
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Coming to you live, it's
the Teen Choice Awards!
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Featuring...
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00:01:05,886 --> 00:01:08,555
I tell ya, every year, I
recognize fewer and fewer names.
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00:01:26,106 --> 00:01:28,074
And a live performance by...
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00:01:31,262 --> 00:01:35,381
Plus we tally your text vote
for the Biggest Whiff
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and Choice Bro-ment
of the Year!
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00:01:47,828 --> 00:01:48,995
And now your host...
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Wavyhair Doucheston!
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I touched him!
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What's up, Teen Choice Awards?!
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We're gonna kick things off
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with Choice Lacrosse Guy Smile!
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00:02:02,643 --> 00:02:07,447
Give it up for our first
presenter, Wilford Brimley!
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00:02:07,515 --> 00:02:09,999
It's entirely too loud in here!
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00:02:10,084 --> 00:02:11,718
Quiet down!
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00:02:11,785 --> 00:02:13,953
There's no accountability
anymore!
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00:02:14,021 --> 00:02:15,288
I have diabetes!
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00:02:15,356 --> 00:02:18,041
Hey, what do you say we get
some music in here, huh?
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00:02:18,108 --> 00:02:19,576
No, that'll only
make things worse!
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Give it up for our first
nominated Choice Band
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of the Night,
Peehole Skin!
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♪ Feelings
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I'm gonna put
a stop to this!
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00:02:49,290 --> 00:02:50,790
Well, that was
unfortunate.
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00:02:50,857 --> 00:02:52,959
Hey, what's with all
the cars on the street?
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00:02:53,026 --> 00:02:55,011
Oh, they're all here
for your surprise party, Meg.
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00:02:55,079 --> 00:02:56,863
Peter, for God's
sake, you idiot!
49
00:02:56,931 --> 00:02:58,865
We were supposed
to open the door
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00:02:58,933 --> 00:03:00,466
so everyone could
yell "surprise!"
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00:03:02,102 --> 00:03:03,536
Surprise!
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00:03:03,587 --> 00:03:06,155
Oh... Oh, dear.
53
00:03:06,223 --> 00:03:08,975
Mom, if it's a surprise party,
where is everybody?
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00:03:09,042 --> 00:03:10,343
Chris, what the hell?!
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00:03:10,411 --> 00:03:12,011
I thought you were
gonna pay the kids
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00:03:12,079 --> 00:03:14,447
from school to show up!
I gave you $300!
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00:03:14,515 --> 00:03:15,915
Why do you think
Dad's here?
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00:03:15,983 --> 00:03:17,317
Hey, Meg, happy birthday.
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00:03:17,384 --> 00:03:19,202
You're the coolest.
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00:03:19,270 --> 00:03:21,537
Well, then what are all the cars
doing out there?
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00:03:21,605 --> 00:03:23,206
Oh, they must be
for Mort's party.
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00:03:23,274 --> 00:03:25,441
Okay, the first rule
of Jewish fight club
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is if somebody says,
"Ow," you stop.
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00:03:28,829 --> 00:03:29,896
Ow!
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00:03:29,964 --> 00:03:31,197
Okay, let's eat.
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00:03:31,265 --> 00:03:33,366
I'm really sorry
about this, honey.
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00:03:33,434 --> 00:03:35,234
I-It looks like
nobody's coming.
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00:03:35,302 --> 00:03:38,004
But we had fun at the Teen
Choice Awards, right?
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00:03:38,072 --> 00:03:39,405
I guess.
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00:03:39,473 --> 00:03:41,641
Well, I guess we
ought to call it a night.
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00:03:41,709 --> 00:03:43,142
Come on, Stewie.
Up to bed.
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00:03:43,210 --> 00:03:46,579
No party? Oh, come on.
I was gonna show a slide show
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of all those silly photos
I took of Meg.
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00:03:57,658 --> 00:03:59,359
Well, happy birthday
anyway, Meg.
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00:03:59,426 --> 00:04:00,793
See you in the morning.
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00:04:03,697 --> 00:04:05,481
Hey, Quagmire.
What's going on?
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00:04:05,566 --> 00:04:07,000
Well, Peter,
a little birdie told me
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00:04:07,067 --> 00:04:08,051
that today is
Meg's birthday.
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00:04:08,118 --> 00:04:09,101
You giving me credit?
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00:04:09,153 --> 00:04:10,536
Yeah, I just told him.
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00:04:10,604 --> 00:04:11,704
I'm the one
who told him.
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00:04:13,040 --> 00:04:15,158
So where is
the birthday girl?
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00:04:15,225 --> 00:04:16,659
Oh, hi, Mr. Quagmire.
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00:04:16,727 --> 00:04:19,979
Oh, please,
my father is Mr. Quagmi--
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00:04:20,047 --> 00:04:21,648
Oh, no. He's... Okay,
well, he used
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00:04:21,715 --> 00:04:22,882
to be Mr. Quagmire.
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00:04:22,950 --> 00:04:24,984
Now he's, how he's
just Ida Davis.
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00:04:25,052 --> 00:04:27,420
Anyway, this is a special day
for you, young lady.
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00:04:27,488 --> 00:04:30,123
Here's a gift for ya.
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00:04:30,190 --> 00:04:31,357
A scented candle?
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00:04:31,425 --> 00:04:33,226
As a girl,
I love this!
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00:04:33,293 --> 00:04:35,128
That was originally $30.
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00:04:35,195 --> 00:04:37,130
Thanks, Mr. Quagmire.
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00:04:37,197 --> 00:04:38,698
Well, it's your
18th birthday, Meg.
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00:04:38,766 --> 00:04:40,033
That's a very important
milestone in
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00:04:40,100 --> 00:04:41,100
a young girl's...
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00:04:41,168 --> 00:04:42,902
I mean, a young
woman's life.
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00:04:42,970 --> 00:04:44,537
Hey, welcome
to the adult club, huh?
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00:04:44,605 --> 00:04:45,805
And you know what?
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00:04:45,873 --> 00:04:47,340
You got another member
right next door
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00:04:47,408 --> 00:04:48,808
if you ever want
to talk and stuff.
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00:04:48,876 --> 00:04:50,226
Happy birthday.
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00:04:53,931 --> 00:04:55,832
Hey... Hey, where's
that pinky going, huh?
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00:04:55,899 --> 00:04:57,700
Where's he going?
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00:04:57,768 --> 00:04:59,736
Wha, what's he doing?
Get back here.
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00:04:59,803 --> 00:05:01,337
There you go.
107
00:05:01,405 --> 00:05:03,890
Look at Quagmire hitting
on that skank.
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00:05:03,957 --> 00:05:05,658
You know he's gonna
close the deal.
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00:05:05,726 --> 00:05:07,060
Peter, that skank is
your daughter.
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00:05:07,127 --> 00:05:08,661
Oh, my God,
you're right!
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00:05:08,729 --> 00:05:10,830
You know, Meg,
I'd love to see you
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00:05:10,898 --> 00:05:12,181
without your hat on.
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00:05:12,249 --> 00:05:13,082
Okay.
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00:05:17,090 --> 00:05:19,458
So, anyway, I'm on approach
into Lambert Field
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00:05:19,526 --> 00:05:22,094
in some of the worst turbulence
I've ever flown through.
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00:05:22,162 --> 00:05:24,063
I mean, I have never seen
anything like it.
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00:05:24,131 --> 00:05:26,165
Everyone in the cabin
was, like, "Aah!"
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00:05:26,250 --> 00:05:27,800
but I kept my cool.
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00:05:27,868 --> 00:05:30,303
I trusted my training,
and brought the plane in safely,
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00:05:30,370 --> 00:05:32,171
and in fact,
it turned out, ironically,
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00:05:32,239 --> 00:05:34,607
to be one of the smoothest
landings I've ever made.
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00:05:34,675 --> 00:05:36,742
Well, gosh, Quagmire,
this has been a fun night,
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00:05:36,810 --> 00:05:38,911
but I guess, uh, you better be
getting home now, huh?
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00:05:38,979 --> 00:05:40,263
Yeah, it is getting late
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00:05:40,330 --> 00:05:42,348
I guess I'll go home
and rub out a giggity.
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00:05:42,416 --> 00:05:43,482
Take it easy, you guys.
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00:05:43,550 --> 00:05:44,717
See you later, Meg.
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00:05:44,785 --> 00:05:46,852
Bye.
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00:05:46,920 --> 00:05:47,887
Okay, that was weird.
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00:05:47,955 --> 00:05:48,904
That was weird.
Right?
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00:05:48,972 --> 00:05:50,306
Oh, my God,
so weird.
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00:05:50,374 --> 00:05:52,191
I tell you something,
if he touches my daughter,
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00:05:52,259 --> 00:05:53,793
I'm gonna be kicking butts
and taking names!
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00:05:53,860 --> 00:05:54,961
And then giving
those names
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00:05:55,028 --> 00:05:56,429
to other people
whose butts I kick.
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00:05:56,496 --> 00:05:58,347
What's your name?
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00:05:58,415 --> 00:05:59,482
Derek.
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00:05:59,549 --> 00:06:01,167
What's your name?
139
00:06:01,234 --> 00:06:02,068
Michael.
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00:06:02,135 --> 00:06:03,069
You're Derek now!
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00:06:14,681 --> 00:06:15,581
Oh!
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00:06:58,125 --> 00:07:00,893
Okay, Glenn,
time to reel her in.
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00:07:08,468 --> 00:07:11,153
Oh, my God, oh, my God,
oh, my God, oh, my God!
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00:07:13,890 --> 00:07:15,891
Ah, it's too much, too much.
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00:07:20,931 --> 00:07:22,631
I love stars!
146
00:07:25,469 --> 00:07:28,671
We now return to Grainy Footage
of a Potential Bigfoot
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00:07:28,739 --> 00:07:31,290
that will surely spark a lively
debate in your household.
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00:07:34,828 --> 00:07:36,328
Oh, my God!
That is real!
149
00:07:36,396 --> 00:07:38,831
No, total fake.
150
00:07:38,899 --> 00:07:40,633
Look at that. That is obviously
a suit. It's a fraud.
151
00:07:40,700 --> 00:07:42,184
Look at the way it walks.
Totally fake.
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00:07:42,252 --> 00:07:43,586
Why would somebody
make that up, Lois?
153
00:07:43,653 --> 00:07:44,754
What's in it for them?
154
00:07:46,390 --> 00:07:48,224
Oh, hey, Mr. G.
How's it going?
155
00:07:48,291 --> 00:07:49,592
Quagmire, what are you
doing here?
156
00:07:49,659 --> 00:07:51,093
Hi, Glenn.
Bye, you guys.
157
00:07:51,161 --> 00:07:52,561
Me and Glenn
are going out.
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00:07:52,629 --> 00:07:54,280
What?! Like
hell you are!
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00:07:54,347 --> 00:07:56,949
Don't worry, Dad!
I'll take care of him!
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00:07:57,017 --> 00:07:59,235
Stay away from my sis!
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00:07:59,302 --> 00:08:01,353
Okay, you two have
fun on your date.
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00:08:01,438 --> 00:08:02,905
What?!
Drive carefully.
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00:08:02,972 --> 00:08:04,407
We'll see you later.
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00:08:04,474 --> 00:08:05,875
Lois, are you out
of your mind?!
165
00:08:05,942 --> 00:08:07,743
We can't let Quagmire
take Meg out on a date!
166
00:08:07,811 --> 00:08:09,211
That guy'll bang anything.
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00:08:09,279 --> 00:08:10,930
Hey, Lois, I'm starving.
What's for dinner?
168
00:08:10,997 --> 00:08:13,115
I made meatloaf.
It's in the fridge.
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00:08:13,183 --> 00:08:15,101
Hey, Peter, do you mind?
170
00:08:15,168 --> 00:08:16,585
But I have
to get dinner.
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00:08:16,653 --> 00:08:17,970
Go out!
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00:08:18,038 --> 00:08:18,971
Peter, nothing's
gonna happen.
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00:08:19,039 --> 00:08:20,322
Don't you see?
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00:08:20,390 --> 00:08:22,591
She's only doing this
to get a rise out of us.
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00:08:22,659 --> 00:08:24,760
If we fight her on it,
she'll only push further.
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00:08:24,828 --> 00:08:26,695
Well, she may not plan
on sleeping with him,
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00:08:26,763 --> 00:08:28,514
but you don't know how
smooth Quagmire is, Lois.
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00:08:28,582 --> 00:08:29,682
He's like a vagician.
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00:08:29,749 --> 00:08:31,117
Oh, that's clever.
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00:08:31,184 --> 00:08:33,352
I know! Isn't it?
He practices vagic.
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00:08:33,420 --> 00:08:34,787
"Vagician" was funnier.
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00:08:34,855 --> 00:08:36,755
Okay, well, the point is,
we ought to be worried.
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00:08:36,823 --> 00:08:37,823
Peter, trust me.
184
00:08:37,891 --> 00:08:39,458
I know what's going on
in her head.
185
00:08:39,526 --> 00:08:40,626
It's just a game.
186
00:08:40,694 --> 00:08:42,962
I used to do the same
thing to my parents.
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00:08:43,029 --> 00:08:44,597
The problem is,
they pushed back,
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00:08:44,664 --> 00:08:46,499
and the results
were not good.
189
00:08:47,667 --> 00:08:48,801
Mr. Pewterschmidt,
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00:08:48,869 --> 00:08:50,236
we pumped your
daughter's stomach
191
00:08:50,303 --> 00:08:52,338
and we found vodka, Rohypnol,
a fair amount of DNA
192
00:08:52,405 --> 00:08:54,673
that is not her own
and a class ring.
193
00:08:54,741 --> 00:08:55,808
Harvard?
194
00:08:55,876 --> 00:08:58,077
I think it was
SUNY something.
195
00:08:58,145 --> 00:08:59,712
Oh, I don't want
to hear any more!
196
00:09:02,098 --> 00:09:03,666
So how're
your studies going?
197
00:09:03,733 --> 00:09:04,733
They're going
pretty good.
198
00:09:04,801 --> 00:09:06,302
School's good.
199
00:09:06,369 --> 00:09:07,703
What's your favorite class?
200
00:09:07,771 --> 00:09:09,438
What was your
favorite class?
201
00:09:09,506 --> 00:09:11,273
Okay, let's say it
at the same time
202
00:09:11,341 --> 00:09:12,575
and see if they're
the same.
203
00:09:12,642 --> 00:09:14,176
Okay, one, two, three.
204
00:09:14,244 --> 00:09:15,511
Hist... math!
Math!
205
00:09:15,579 --> 00:09:17,780
Oh, my God, we have
so much in common!
206
00:09:17,848 --> 00:09:19,381
Do you have any brothers
or sisters?
207
00:09:19,449 --> 00:09:20,549
Yeah, I have
two brothers.
208
00:09:20,617 --> 00:09:21,650
Aw, they sound
terrific.
209
00:09:21,718 --> 00:09:23,052
Hey, you want to blow
this joint?
210
00:09:23,119 --> 00:09:24,186
Sure.
211
00:09:24,254 --> 00:09:26,455
Oh, wow, really?!
All right, go for it!
212
00:09:26,523 --> 00:09:28,107
Come on. Let's go.
213
00:09:28,175 --> 00:09:29,508
Oh, oh, you,
you mean leave.
214
00:09:29,576 --> 00:09:31,210
No, yeah, sure.
No, let's go.
215
00:09:34,498 --> 00:09:36,832
Gosh, Meg, I sure had
a swell time with you.
216
00:09:36,900 --> 00:09:39,068
Me, too, Glenn.
God, it's so amazing
217
00:09:39,135 --> 00:09:41,170
that you've been my dad's friend
for, like, years,
218
00:09:41,238 --> 00:09:42,872
and now we have this connection.
219
00:09:42,939 --> 00:09:44,273
Hey, do you want
to come in
220
00:09:44,341 --> 00:09:45,741
for some Crystal Light
or something?
221
00:09:45,792 --> 00:09:48,360
Well, I do believe in me,
but it's getting kind of late.
222
00:09:48,428 --> 00:09:50,863
Um, I really want to
see you again, though.
223
00:09:50,931 --> 00:09:52,765
Oh, you know it.
224
00:10:00,557 --> 00:10:02,091
Oh, God, Peter!
225
00:10:02,158 --> 00:10:03,392
Scared the
hell out of me!
226
00:10:03,460 --> 00:10:05,594
What're you doing here?
I think you know.
227
00:10:05,662 --> 00:10:07,196
Did you have sex
with my daughter?
228
00:10:07,264 --> 00:10:09,231
What? Come on, Peter.
229
00:10:09,299 --> 00:10:10,599
Did you have sex
with my daughter?!
230
00:10:10,667 --> 00:10:12,401
Peter, trust me,
it's not happening.
231
00:10:12,469 --> 00:10:13,903
All right. Good.
232
00:10:13,970 --> 00:10:15,704
Yeah, she's really making
me work for it.
233
00:10:15,772 --> 00:10:17,172
Maybe you could
talk to her.
234
00:10:17,240 --> 00:10:18,541
Well, I'll try,
235
00:10:18,608 --> 00:10:20,643
but sometimes she can be
as stubborn as a mule.
236
00:10:20,710 --> 00:10:22,311
I tell you, you tell her
to do something once,
237
00:10:22,379 --> 00:10:23,879
she does the opposite.
238
00:10:23,947 --> 00:10:25,414
You know, it's like
she ain't even heard you
239
00:10:25,482 --> 00:10:26,682
in the first place.
240
00:10:26,750 --> 00:10:28,050
It's like talking
to a brick wall.
241
00:10:28,118 --> 00:10:29,718
Worse than talking...
242
00:10:29,786 --> 00:10:31,604
Even a brick wall doesn't tell
you they understand you,
243
00:10:31,671 --> 00:10:33,005
and then go do the opposite,
you know?
244
00:10:33,073 --> 00:10:34,557
So it's no surprise to me
245
00:10:34,624 --> 00:10:35,841
that you're having
these difficulties.
246
00:10:35,909 --> 00:10:38,777
That-that just seems
to be the way she is.
247
00:10:38,845 --> 00:10:40,646
You know, whether it's just
that she's not listening
248
00:10:40,730 --> 00:10:43,165
or whether it's that she's
making a conscious decision
249
00:10:43,233 --> 00:10:46,235
to defy your wishes,
who can say, you know?
250
00:10:46,303 --> 00:10:47,903
And I would say,
in some respects,
251
00:10:47,971 --> 00:10:50,272
having a strong-willed kid
is a good thing,
252
00:10:50,340 --> 00:10:52,308
but it can get frustrating
as hell on the other side.
253
00:10:52,375 --> 00:10:53,576
So, you know, lieve me,
254
00:10:53,643 --> 00:10:55,044
I hear loud and clear
where you're--
255
00:10:55,111 --> 00:10:57,346
Wait a second!
No, I won't talk to her!
256
00:10:57,414 --> 00:10:59,648
And I want you to stay the hell
away from her!
257
00:10:59,716 --> 00:11:01,717
Peter it's me-- Quagmire.
258
00:11:01,785 --> 00:11:03,319
This is what I do.
259
00:11:03,386 --> 00:11:05,988
Besides, Meg is 18 now
and you've gotta let go.
260
00:11:06,056 --> 00:11:08,023
You've done your job.
It's my turn now.
261
00:11:08,091 --> 00:11:10,225
Look, Quagmire, you're
one of my best pals,
262
00:11:10,293 --> 00:11:12,394
and I'm asking you
not to do this.
263
00:11:12,462 --> 00:11:14,330
I want to help you,
Peter, I really do,
264
00:11:14,397 --> 00:11:16,665
but it's-- it's like you're
asking a fish not to swim.
265
00:11:16,733 --> 00:11:18,050
She's legal and I'm going in.
266
00:11:18,118 --> 00:11:19,618
Well, we'll see about that.
267
00:11:19,686 --> 00:11:21,420
I ain't afraid
to stand up to friends.
268
00:11:21,488 --> 00:11:22,705
Just ask Spartacus.
269
00:11:22,772 --> 00:11:24,239
I'm Spartacus.
270
00:11:24,307 --> 00:11:25,791
I'm Spartacus.
271
00:11:25,859 --> 00:11:26,825
That guy's
Spartacus.
272
00:11:30,196 --> 00:11:33,999
- We now return to Two Lame
- Chicks on Vacation in Mexico.
273
00:11:35,268 --> 00:11:37,920
Oh, my God, don't
drink the water.
274
00:11:37,988 --> 00:11:40,289
I'm so going to brush
my teeth with tequila.
275
00:11:40,357 --> 00:11:42,024
Mexico!
Mexico!
276
00:11:42,075 --> 00:11:43,859
Hey, is this beach topless?
277
00:11:43,910 --> 00:11:46,278
No, but my
margarita's bottomless.
278
00:11:46,346 --> 00:11:47,946
Mexico!
Mexico!
279
00:11:48,014 --> 00:11:51,083
That cute guy's been
staring at you all night.
280
00:11:51,151 --> 00:11:54,620
Oh, my God. I'm going to go poo
now, so I don't have to later.
281
00:11:54,688 --> 00:11:56,455
Mexico!
Mexico!
282
00:11:56,523 --> 00:11:59,341
Hey, you want to see
my pictures from Mexico?
283
00:11:59,409 --> 00:12:03,946
Look, Janine, I just-- this is--
I can't with you anymore.
284
00:12:04,014 --> 00:12:06,415
It's all the time.
This is a job.
285
00:12:06,483 --> 00:12:08,117
Please take off
that silly hat.
286
00:12:10,320 --> 00:12:13,922
- Mexico!
- I... I can't talk right now.
287
00:12:16,743 --> 00:12:17,609
You okay?
288
00:12:17,694 --> 00:12:18,994
Yeah, babe.
289
00:12:19,062 --> 00:12:20,646
I got to pee,
but I don't want to move.
290
00:12:20,714 --> 00:12:22,247
I'm so comfortable right now.
291
00:12:22,332 --> 00:12:23,582
I can pause it.
292
00:12:23,667 --> 00:12:24,883
I guess you could
pause it...
293
00:12:24,951 --> 00:12:26,234
but you can't pause me!
294
00:12:26,286 --> 00:12:27,670
Fast forward.
Fast forward.
295
00:12:27,737 --> 00:12:29,121
Fast forward.
Glenn, stop.
296
00:12:29,205 --> 00:12:30,572
I can't breathe.
I can't breathe either.
297
00:12:30,623 --> 00:12:31,740
This is torture
for me, too.
298
00:12:31,791 --> 00:12:32,741
No fair. Stop.
299
00:12:32,792 --> 00:12:34,393
I'm going to...
300
00:12:34,461 --> 00:12:36,028
Sorry.
301
00:12:36,096 --> 00:12:38,130
Ah, that's all right.
It's just your body.
302
00:12:38,198 --> 00:12:39,798
Sometimes things slip out.
303
00:12:39,866 --> 00:12:41,333
Probably just making
room for something.
304
00:12:41,401 --> 00:12:42,935
Like what?
305
00:12:43,019 --> 00:12:45,371
Hey, gang, got room for one more
right in the middle of you two?
306
00:12:45,438 --> 00:12:47,373
Come on, scooch apart, there.
307
00:12:47,440 --> 00:12:49,308
Ooh, what's this?
Quagmire's cell phone?
308
00:12:49,392 --> 00:12:50,976
Well, now that you're with Meg,
309
00:12:51,061 --> 00:12:53,779
you don't need to be talking to,
uh, "Backbush" anymore.
310
00:12:53,863 --> 00:12:56,198
Oh, and I'll send a text to
"Possible Nipple Ring"
311
00:12:56,266 --> 00:12:57,733
saying you're off the market.
312
00:12:59,352 --> 00:13:01,620
You're "Possible Nipple Ring"?
313
00:13:01,705 --> 00:13:03,856
All right, well, I better
send a text to "Backbush."
314
00:13:05,125 --> 00:13:06,425
Oh, come on.
I'm "Backbush"?
315
00:13:06,493 --> 00:13:08,127
This can't be a
surprise to you, Peter.
316
00:13:08,194 --> 00:13:09,762
Yeah, I knew.
317
00:13:09,829 --> 00:13:12,081
I just didn't know you knew.
318
00:13:14,117 --> 00:13:15,718
Okay, what compound is this?
319
00:13:15,785 --> 00:13:17,119
That's sodium chloride.
320
00:13:17,170 --> 00:13:18,687
That's right.
How about this one?
321
00:13:18,755 --> 00:13:20,022
Hydrogen peroxide.
322
00:13:20,090 --> 00:13:22,074
God, you're so smart.
How about this one?
323
00:13:22,142 --> 00:13:25,127
QM2? I'm not sure
what that is.
324
00:13:25,195 --> 00:13:26,695
It's Quag-megium.
325
00:13:26,763 --> 00:13:28,597
It's the strongest
compound on Earth.
326
00:13:28,665 --> 00:13:29,998
Nothing can separate it.
327
00:13:30,066 --> 00:13:32,301
It has an atomic weight
of awesome.
328
00:13:32,368 --> 00:13:34,269
You're such a
cutie patootie.
329
00:13:34,337 --> 00:13:37,239
If I'm a cutie patootie, then
you're a peenie-vageenie.
330
00:13:37,307 --> 00:13:38,357
Aww!
331
00:13:38,441 --> 00:13:40,809
I heard a cute "aw" in there.
Cool down!
332
00:13:45,598 --> 00:13:48,350
Meg, there's something
we need to talk about.
333
00:13:48,418 --> 00:13:50,853
Dad, I swear to God, I thought
you could flush those things.
334
00:13:50,920 --> 00:13:52,342
Meg, you ever heard
of Joan Van Ark?
335
00:13:52,367 --> 00:13:53,422
No.
336
00:13:53,423 --> 00:13:54,990
Here's a picture
of Joan Van Ark.
337
00:13:55,058 --> 00:13:56,825
Oh, my God, she's gorgeous.
338
00:13:56,893 --> 00:13:58,127
Gorgeous. Yes.
339
00:13:58,194 --> 00:13:59,895
Yes, Meg, gorgeous.
340
00:13:59,963 --> 00:14:01,663
Yes.
Every man wanted her.
341
00:14:01,731 --> 00:14:03,565
But one man got her.
342
00:14:03,633 --> 00:14:06,835
A man she trusted to keep her
safe and beautiful forever.
343
00:14:06,903 --> 00:14:08,403
That man was Glenn Quagmire.
344
00:14:08,471 --> 00:14:10,005
And two short months later,
345
00:14:10,073 --> 00:14:11,940
this is what happened
to Joan Van Ark.
346
00:14:12,008 --> 00:14:14,476
Oh! Oh, my God!
347
00:14:14,544 --> 00:14:16,345
I don't want this
to happen to you, Meg.
348
00:14:16,412 --> 00:14:18,547
I don't want you to turn
into a hilarious photograph.
349
00:14:18,615 --> 00:14:20,182
Dad, I know what
you're trying to do,
350
00:14:20,250 --> 00:14:21,717
and I want you
to stop it.
351
00:14:21,785 --> 00:14:22,684
Mom!
352
00:14:22,752 --> 00:14:23,819
What is it, Meg?
353
00:14:23,887 --> 00:14:25,687
Mom, tell Dad
to leave me alone.
354
00:14:25,755 --> 00:14:27,956
I'm 18, and he keeps
treating me like a kid.
355
00:14:28,024 --> 00:14:31,460
Peter, I told you not to push
her about this Quagmire thing.
356
00:14:31,528 --> 00:14:32,924
If you push too hard,
357
00:14:32,949 --> 00:14:34,549
you're going to push her
right into his arms.
358
00:14:34,631 --> 00:14:35,881
Well, what am I supposed to do?
359
00:14:35,949 --> 00:14:37,099
Nothing.
360
00:14:37,167 --> 00:14:38,667
This is a big game
Meg is playing,
361
00:14:38,735 --> 00:14:40,969
and the only way to win
is not to play it.
362
00:14:41,037 --> 00:14:43,505
Is that a WarGames reference?
Might be.
363
00:14:43,573 --> 00:14:45,908
You know WarGames?
Yeah.
364
00:14:45,975 --> 00:14:47,476
Still finding out
new stuff about you.
365
00:14:47,544 --> 00:14:48,644
That's the adventure.
366
00:14:48,711 --> 00:14:49,845
There's a nerd in there.
367
00:14:49,913 --> 00:14:50,979
Maybe there is.
368
00:14:51,047 --> 00:14:52,414
I might bang her later.
369
00:14:52,482 --> 00:14:53,849
How about a nice
game of chess?
370
00:14:53,917 --> 00:14:55,017
I prefer banging.
371
00:14:55,068 --> 00:14:57,019
Dad, have you seen my book bag?
372
00:14:57,086 --> 00:14:58,687
What, Chris?
373
00:15:02,892 --> 00:15:04,293
Oh, Peter, there you are.
374
00:15:04,360 --> 00:15:06,461
Would you go tell Meg
that lunch is on the table?
375
00:15:06,529 --> 00:15:08,230
Oh, Meg's not here.
What do you mean?
376
00:15:08,298 --> 00:15:09,998
She and Quagmire went up
to his cabin for the weekend.
377
00:15:10,000 --> 00:15:10,679
What?!
378
00:15:10,683 --> 00:15:12,351
Yeah, I drew you
a crude flip book
379
00:15:12,418 --> 00:15:13,685
to explain what's happening.
380
00:15:19,209 --> 00:15:20,843
Okay, I got
a little off track there,
381
00:15:20,910 --> 00:15:22,377
but they went to his cabin.
382
00:15:22,428 --> 00:15:24,930
Peter, Quagmire has
a name for that cabin.
383
00:15:24,998 --> 00:15:26,598
He calls it his sex cabin.
384
00:15:26,666 --> 00:15:28,667
No, he doesn't.
He calls it "The Stuffet Inn."
385
00:15:28,735 --> 00:15:30,435
Oh, my God, I can't believe
you knew about this
386
00:15:30,503 --> 00:15:31,587
and you let her go.
387
00:15:31,654 --> 00:15:32,921
Hey, don't give me that crap.
388
00:15:32,989 --> 00:15:34,690
I'm doing exactly
what you told me to do.
389
00:15:34,757 --> 00:15:36,642
You said don't mess with her
business, so I didn't.
390
00:15:36,709 --> 00:15:38,827
Peter, this is different.
391
00:15:38,895 --> 00:15:41,430
It's one thing to
rebelliously flaunt an older guy
392
00:15:41,497 --> 00:15:43,732
in front of your parents,
but it's a whole other thing
393
00:15:43,800 --> 00:15:46,235
to go away with him for the
weekend to his sex cabin.
394
00:15:46,302 --> 00:15:47,970
Oh, is that right?
395
00:15:48,037 --> 00:15:51,540
Oh, don't worry, Peter, he's
not going to sleep with her.
396
00:15:51,608 --> 00:15:53,842
That's you. Nerd.
397
00:15:53,910 --> 00:15:57,045
Look, everyone knows if you go
away with a guy for the weekend
398
00:15:57,113 --> 00:15:59,448
and don't have sex with him,
you're a huge bitch.
399
00:15:59,515 --> 00:16:00,916
We got to stop them.
400
00:16:00,984 --> 00:16:02,417
So you admit you were wrong.
Yes.
401
00:16:02,485 --> 00:16:04,453
You admit you were stupid.
Yes, yes.
402
00:16:04,520 --> 00:16:06,338
You admit all women are stupid.
No.
403
00:16:06,422 --> 00:16:08,040
All right, I'll take
what I can get.
404
00:16:08,107 --> 00:16:09,207
Come on.
To the Peter-dactyl.
405
00:16:18,251 --> 00:16:21,186
Oh, no, now I got
to take care of the babies.
406
00:16:31,933 --> 00:16:33,852
Look, Peter,
his car's still there.
407
00:16:33,853 --> 00:16:35,387
Maybe they haven't left yet.
408
00:16:35,454 --> 00:16:38,557
Quagmire, let me in,
you son of a bitch.
409
00:16:38,624 --> 00:16:40,659
I'm sorry
I'm not home to receive you.
410
00:16:40,727 --> 00:16:42,828
The reason being that you have
sufficiently scared me away
411
00:16:42,895 --> 00:16:44,529
from your wife or daughter.
412
00:16:44,597 --> 00:16:48,133
I plan to get help and use
better judgment in the future.
413
00:16:48,201 --> 00:16:49,668
Wait a minute, so Quagmire
414
00:16:49,736 --> 00:16:51,303
just changed all of a
sudden, just like that?
415
00:16:51,371 --> 00:16:52,704
You want me to read this or not?
416
00:16:52,772 --> 00:16:54,473
No, Grandpa, I don't.
417
00:16:54,540 --> 00:16:56,575
No kid wants to be read
anything any more.
418
00:16:56,642 --> 00:16:58,977
Computers exist.
It's just you won't leave.
419
00:16:59,045 --> 00:17:01,880
Okay, where were we?
Quagmire's front door.
420
00:17:01,948 --> 00:17:03,481
You think they're
hiding in there?
421
00:17:03,533 --> 00:17:05,701
Oh, no! Peter, look.
422
00:17:05,785 --> 00:17:07,753
See you later, suckers.
423
00:17:10,807 --> 00:17:13,258
Oh, good luck to them.
Peter!
424
00:17:13,326 --> 00:17:14,276
Oh, right, right.
Let's go.
425
00:17:23,236 --> 00:17:25,754
We're never going
to get up there.
426
00:17:25,822 --> 00:17:27,672
I wonder what's causing
all this traffic.
427
00:17:27,740 --> 00:17:29,441
Oh, boy.
Yep, there's the problem.
428
00:17:29,509 --> 00:17:30,542
Not drawn yet.
429
00:17:33,946 --> 00:17:35,747
Come on, guys.
Really? Let's go.
430
00:17:35,815 --> 00:17:37,549
What the hell's
going on up there?
431
00:17:40,853 --> 00:17:43,371
What...? Yep. Yep.
432
00:17:49,078 --> 00:17:50,378
So tell the truth.
433
00:17:50,446 --> 00:17:52,414
Have you brought
other women up here before?
434
00:17:52,482 --> 00:17:54,683
Honestly? Two.
Really?
435
00:17:54,751 --> 00:17:57,586
Yep, I brought the ashes
of my third grade teacher,
436
00:17:57,653 --> 00:17:59,221
Mrs. Nicholson, and spread
them across the lake,
437
00:17:59,288 --> 00:18:00,589
per her last request.
438
00:18:00,656 --> 00:18:01,656
Oh.
439
00:18:01,724 --> 00:18:03,125
The other was some skag
440
00:18:03,192 --> 00:18:04,455
I met on a dock
four miles from here.
441
00:18:04,480 --> 00:18:05,580
What?!
442
00:18:05,611 --> 00:18:08,146
Strike four, Jelly Jealouson.
443
00:18:08,214 --> 00:18:09,531
The other was my sister.
444
00:18:11,684 --> 00:18:13,852
It's so nice up here.
445
00:18:13,920 --> 00:18:15,887
I know.
I love the way the fire
446
00:18:15,955 --> 00:18:18,206
makes the shadows dance around
behind us.
447
00:18:18,274 --> 00:18:20,375
One time, my friends
and I went camping,
448
00:18:20,443 --> 00:18:22,644
and nobody could
start a campfire,
449
00:18:22,712 --> 00:18:25,614
and then I tried to start
the campfire, and I could.
450
00:18:25,681 --> 00:18:27,149
That's insane.
451
00:18:27,216 --> 00:18:28,750
Wha-- what is going on
over here?
452
00:18:28,818 --> 00:18:30,752
Wha-- are we taking
our shirts off now?
453
00:18:30,820 --> 00:18:32,070
Okay, follow the leader.
454
00:18:34,090 --> 00:18:36,007
Come on, Peter, hurry!
455
00:18:36,075 --> 00:18:37,242
Wait wait,
hold on, hold on, hold on.
456
00:18:38,845 --> 00:18:40,679
Listen to that.
It's a loon.
457
00:18:40,746 --> 00:18:42,214
That's beautiful.
458
00:18:42,281 --> 00:18:44,549
You know, we ought to get
a cabin up here.
459
00:18:44,617 --> 00:18:46,651
Peter, we're wasting time.
460
00:18:46,719 --> 00:18:49,387
Quagmire's in there about to
have sex with our daughter.
461
00:18:49,455 --> 00:18:50,672
That son of a bitch.
462
00:18:50,740 --> 00:18:54,042
Let's-- wait-- w-wait
a minute, do you hear that?
463
00:18:54,110 --> 00:18:55,443
I don't hear anything.
464
00:18:55,511 --> 00:18:57,546
I know.
Isn't it bliss?
465
00:18:57,613 --> 00:18:58,947
Peter, let's go!
466
00:18:59,015 --> 00:19:01,616
Mm. Thanks for
the ice cream, Glenn.
467
00:19:01,684 --> 00:19:03,051
And you're right, somehow
468
00:19:03,119 --> 00:19:04,519
it does taste better
in my underpants.
469
00:19:04,587 --> 00:19:06,288
Yeah, it's like being
at the beach, huh?
470
00:19:06,355 --> 00:19:08,423
Now get over here while
the inside of your mouth
471
00:19:08,491 --> 00:19:09,991
is still freezing cold.
472
00:19:11,627 --> 00:19:13,995
There you are,
you son of a bitch!
473
00:19:15,965 --> 00:19:17,883
You get away from
my daughter, you pervert!
474
00:19:17,950 --> 00:19:19,284
Meg, get in the car,
we're going home.
475
00:19:19,352 --> 00:19:20,902
I'm not going home!
476
00:19:20,970 --> 00:19:23,454
I'm 18, and you can't tell
me what to do anymore.
477
00:19:23,506 --> 00:19:25,257
Meg, I'm only going
to say this once.
478
00:19:25,324 --> 00:19:27,425
You may be an adult,
but you're still my daughter,
479
00:19:27,493 --> 00:19:29,561
and it's my job to protect
you from errant wieners.
480
00:19:29,629 --> 00:19:31,263
So, I don't care
how old you are,
481
00:19:31,330 --> 00:19:33,798
you're going to do what I say
and get in the damn car!
482
00:19:33,866 --> 00:19:35,834
Yes, Daddy.
483
00:19:39,772 --> 00:19:43,191
If you ever touch
my daughter again,
484
00:19:43,259 --> 00:19:45,453
I will cut your thing off
and feed it to Brian.
485
00:19:45,478 --> 00:19:46,678
Okay.
486
00:19:46,796 --> 00:19:49,030
And Peter and I get this cabin
for one weekend a month.
487
00:19:49,098 --> 00:19:49,998
Do you understand me?
488
00:19:50,066 --> 00:19:51,233
Yes, ma'am.
489
00:19:51,300 --> 00:19:53,451
Peter, I got us the cabin.
Yay.
490
00:19:53,519 --> 00:19:55,453
I don't want to see your
face knocking on our door
491
00:19:55,521 --> 00:19:57,255
for at least a month.
492
00:19:57,323 --> 00:20:00,358
Would you sign the
guest book on your way out?
493
00:20:00,426 --> 00:20:03,111
Lois... Griffin.
494
00:20:03,179 --> 00:20:05,497
Peter... Griffin.
495
00:20:05,565 --> 00:20:08,433
We... heard... a loon.
496
00:20:11,871 --> 00:20:14,873
You know, Mom and Dad, I'm
really glad that you kept me
497
00:20:14,941 --> 00:20:16,541
from doing what
I was going to do.
498
00:20:16,609 --> 00:20:18,376
Well, that's what
parents are for, Meg.
499
00:20:18,444 --> 00:20:20,078
No matter what age you are.
500
00:20:20,146 --> 00:20:23,014
We love you and we just
never want to see you hurt.
501
00:20:23,082 --> 00:20:25,083
I only wish I'd seen
what was going on
502
00:20:25,151 --> 00:20:26,585
from the start,
like your father did.
503
00:20:26,652 --> 00:20:28,904
Well, I know the signs...
504
00:20:28,988 --> 00:20:31,022
because the same thing
happened to me.
505
00:20:31,073 --> 00:20:31,873
An older neighbor.
506
00:20:31,958 --> 00:20:34,025
Her name was Elaine.
507
00:20:34,076 --> 00:20:37,195
I was 18 and my body was firm
from push-ups and sit-ups.
508
00:20:37,246 --> 00:20:39,331
I was stunning.
509
00:20:39,398 --> 00:20:40,665
But while my body was mature,
510
00:20:40,733 --> 00:20:42,867
I had the mind of a 12-year-old.
511
00:20:42,935 --> 00:20:46,037
Elaine invited me over
with the promise of pie.
512
00:20:46,105 --> 00:20:47,772
Little did I know
this would lead
513
00:20:47,840 --> 00:20:50,842
to an eight-year-long
psychosexual entanglement.
514
00:20:50,910 --> 00:20:52,644
She's probably dead now.
515
00:20:52,712 --> 00:20:55,013
Life's funny sometimes.
516
00:20:55,081 --> 00:20:56,898
And... scene.
517
00:21:30,916 --> 00:21:34,916
== sync, corrected by elderman ==