1 00:00:02,180 --> 00:00:04,948 ♪ It seems today that all you see ♪ 2 00:00:05,016 --> 00:00:08,318 ♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪ 3 00:00:08,386 --> 00:00:11,772 ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ 4 00:00:11,856 --> 00:00:14,741 ♪ On which we used to rely? 5 00:00:14,826 --> 00:00:18,362 ♪ Lucky there's a family guy 6 00:00:18,413 --> 00:00:21,565 ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ 7 00:00:21,633 --> 00:00:23,166 ♪ All the things that make us 8 00:00:23,234 --> 00:00:24,584 ♪ Laugh and cry 9 00:00:24,669 --> 00:00:27,354 ♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪ 10 00:00:27,422 --> 00:00:31,422 ♪ Family Guy 10x13 ♪ Tom Tucker: The Man and His Dream Original Air Date on February 12, 2012 11 00:00:31,447 --> 00:00:35,447 == sync, corrected by elderman == 12 00:00:35,647 --> 00:00:37,014 Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker, 13 00:00:37,081 --> 00:00:39,116 and the reason I'm wearing this mask is because 14 00:00:39,183 --> 00:00:41,585 we've got a Make-A-Wish kid in the studio tonight, 15 00:00:41,653 --> 00:00:43,587 who, as you'll find out as the show goes on, 16 00:00:43,655 --> 00:00:45,122 is quite a cougher. 17 00:00:45,189 --> 00:00:48,001 In local news, Mayor West signed a bill today... 18 00:00:48,559 --> 00:00:50,393 See? That's-that's what I was talking about. 19 00:00:53,780 --> 00:00:54,620 Are we gonna get that, 20 00:00:54,621 --> 00:00:56,471 or are we gonna wait for commercial? 21 00:00:56,539 --> 00:00:58,674 No, no, you have to spray it. 22 00:00:58,741 --> 00:01:00,375 You can't just wipe-- look, you know what? 23 00:01:00,443 --> 00:01:02,110 Let's just throw the whole camera out. 24 00:01:02,178 --> 00:01:03,645 Okay, Joyce, you talk now. 25 00:01:03,713 --> 00:01:04,873 I-I don't even want to open my mouth. 26 00:01:04,874 --> 00:01:07,166 You know, Tom, I haven't seen you in a mask 27 00:01:07,167 --> 00:01:09,568 since you went under the stage name George P. Wilbur. 28 00:01:09,635 --> 00:01:11,469 Oh-ho-ho, Joyce, you know we don't talk 29 00:01:11,537 --> 00:01:12,837 about that on the air. 30 00:01:12,905 --> 00:01:14,005 Oh, my God! 31 00:01:14,073 --> 00:01:15,507 Did she... did she just say 32 00:01:15,574 --> 00:01:17,926 that George P. Wilbur was Tom Tucker's stage name? 33 00:01:17,993 --> 00:01:19,961 Who the hell is George P. Wilbur? 34 00:01:20,029 --> 00:01:22,697 That's the guy who played Michael Myers in Halloween 4, 35 00:01:22,765 --> 00:01:24,849 the greatest movie of all time. 36 00:01:24,917 --> 00:01:26,918 I've only seen that movie about a thousand times. 37 00:01:26,969 --> 00:01:28,553 How could I not have noticed that? 38 00:01:37,363 --> 00:01:38,763 Good evening. I'm Michael Myers. 39 00:01:38,814 --> 00:01:40,331 I have enormous psychological problems, 40 00:01:40,399 --> 00:01:43,234 and I'm going to take them out on you. 41 00:01:43,302 --> 00:01:45,069 It is him. I can't believe it. 44 00:01:49,034 --> 00:01:50,020 was your favorite movie. 45 00:01:50,025 --> 00:01:51,826 No, that's my favorite period piece. 46 00:01:51,894 --> 00:01:53,695 Well, that and Good Night and Good Luck. 47 00:01:53,762 --> 00:01:55,563 Even though I was tricked into leaving early. 48 00:01:55,631 --> 00:01:57,632 Good night and good luck. 49 00:01:57,700 --> 00:02:00,502 And good night and good luck to you, sir. 50 00:02:04,874 --> 00:02:06,424 Oh, hi, Chris. 51 00:02:06,492 --> 00:02:07,892 How was school? 52 00:02:07,960 --> 00:02:09,761 It was great. I met a girl, Mom! 53 00:02:09,829 --> 00:02:11,446 That's wonderful, honey. 54 00:02:11,514 --> 00:02:13,531 Yeah, her name is Lindsey, like the state. 55 00:02:13,599 --> 00:02:15,020 Is she nice? 56 00:02:15,045 --> 00:02:16,545 Yeah, she's really nice and super pretty, 57 00:02:16,585 --> 00:02:18,403 and her bicycle seat smells like strawberries. 58 00:02:18,470 --> 00:02:21,206 Oh. Okay. 59 00:02:21,273 --> 00:02:23,491 I'm gonna go upstairs and alternate between 60 00:02:23,559 --> 00:02:26,878 hopeful excitement and suicidal pessimism! 61 00:02:31,584 --> 00:02:33,451 Got to get the energy up. 62 00:02:36,989 --> 00:02:38,489 Found it. 63 00:02:38,557 --> 00:02:40,592 Hey, uh, excuse me, Mr. Tucker. 64 00:02:40,659 --> 00:02:41,752 You got a second? 65 00:02:41,777 --> 00:02:43,377 Oh, hello, Peter. Sure, come on in. 66 00:02:43,462 --> 00:02:44,836 Thanks. Um, hey, listen, 67 00:02:44,861 --> 00:02:46,361 I just found out that you were the guy 68 00:02:46,398 --> 00:02:48,833 who played Michael Myers in Halloween 4, 69 00:02:48,901 --> 00:02:49,865 and I just want to say, 70 00:02:49,890 --> 00:02:51,925 I think that was the most brilliant performance ever 71 00:02:51,937 --> 00:02:53,271 in the history of everything, 72 00:02:53,339 --> 00:02:55,807 and I wanted to see if you would sign my DVD. 73 00:02:55,875 --> 00:02:57,842 Oh, I suppose. 74 00:02:57,893 --> 00:02:59,227 Thanks. Hey, so, what happened? 75 00:02:59,295 --> 00:03:01,462 How come you never did any more movies? 76 00:03:01,530 --> 00:03:03,398 Well, I tried to make a career out there in Hollywood, 77 00:03:03,465 --> 00:03:06,034 but I just didn't realize how tough acting is. 78 00:03:06,101 --> 00:03:07,235 Well, you know what they say-- 79 00:03:07,303 --> 00:03:08,736 "Tough actin' Tinactin." 80 00:03:08,804 --> 00:03:10,705 I wish I'd known that then. 81 00:03:10,789 --> 00:03:12,302 You see, life after Halloween 4 82 00:03:12,327 --> 00:03:13,748 wasn't exactly smooth sailing. 83 00:03:13,792 --> 00:03:15,710 Once I stepped out from behind that mask, 84 00:03:15,794 --> 00:03:18,162 Hollywood gave me the cold shoulder. 85 00:03:19,531 --> 00:03:21,833 The work I did manage to get 86 00:03:21,884 --> 00:03:25,053 was usually just bit parts that didn't last too long. 87 00:03:25,137 --> 00:03:27,705 Like the role of Denise's boyfriend on The Cosby Show. 88 00:03:27,756 --> 00:03:29,190 It's nice to meet you, Martin. 89 00:03:29,258 --> 00:03:30,625 Thank you, Mrs. Huxtable. 90 00:03:30,693 --> 00:03:32,560 So, if you guys are a family, 91 00:03:32,628 --> 00:03:34,829 why are none of you the same shade of black? 92 00:03:34,897 --> 00:03:38,182 I was also coked out of my skull most of the time. 93 00:03:38,233 --> 00:03:40,668 But whatever the case, I was done. 94 00:03:42,237 --> 00:03:44,739 I left Hollywood, moved back to my hometown of Quahog, 95 00:03:44,807 --> 00:03:47,058 and wound up working here as a news anchor. 96 00:03:47,126 --> 00:03:49,527 Wow. Well, don't you miss it? 97 00:03:49,595 --> 00:03:52,230 Every second of every day, but I can't touch coke again. 98 00:03:52,298 --> 00:03:53,831 It would ruin my life. 99 00:03:53,899 --> 00:03:54,666 No, I mean acting. 100 00:03:54,733 --> 00:03:56,100 Oh. Of course. 101 00:03:56,168 --> 00:03:58,903 But it's over for me. That's all in the past. 102 00:03:58,971 --> 00:04:01,839 Well, if you ask me, you got the makings of a star. 103 00:04:01,907 --> 00:04:04,409 - And I want to help you get there. - Well, that's a nice offer, 104 00:04:04,476 --> 00:04:06,678 but I'm not quite sure how you expect to do that. 105 00:04:06,745 --> 00:04:08,947 Well, you've brought me so much joy over the years 106 00:04:09,014 --> 00:04:10,648 as that lovable murderer of teenagers, 107 00:04:10,716 --> 00:04:12,450 and I want to return the favor. 108 00:04:12,518 --> 00:04:14,052 I don't even have an agent anymore. 109 00:04:14,119 --> 00:04:16,454 Well, then how about this? I'll be your agent. 110 00:04:16,522 --> 00:04:17,531 You? 111 00:04:17,556 --> 00:04:19,056 Yeah, I've seen every episode of Entourage. 112 00:04:19,058 --> 00:04:20,625 All you need is some fake hair 113 00:04:20,693 --> 00:04:22,527 and a bunch of Hobbits hanging around you. 114 00:04:22,594 --> 00:04:24,245 You're on in five minutes, Mr. Tucker. 115 00:04:24,313 --> 00:04:25,446 You don't belong here. 116 00:04:25,514 --> 00:04:26,814 You're better than this. 117 00:04:26,882 --> 00:04:28,716 You're Halloween 4 better. 118 00:04:28,784 --> 00:04:30,234 Look, I appreciate your offer, 119 00:04:30,285 --> 00:04:32,320 but I've got a pretty good thing going here. 120 00:04:32,388 --> 00:04:34,029 In a few minutes, I've got to be on camera 121 00:04:34,054 --> 00:04:36,134 in front of 800 people. 122 00:04:41,113 --> 00:04:42,864 Good evening, Quahog. I'm Tom Tucker. 123 00:04:42,931 --> 00:04:45,683 Our top story tonight: The Rhode Island Historical Society 124 00:04:45,751 --> 00:04:48,753 is heralding the arrival of a cast-iron, oak-handled 125 00:04:48,821 --> 00:04:50,488 Colonial bedsheet warmer, 126 00:04:50,556 --> 00:04:52,957 now on display in the Statehouse Rotunda. 127 00:04:53,025 --> 00:04:54,592 Okay, there it is. 128 00:04:54,660 --> 00:04:58,396 As I understand it, they would put the coal inside of that, 129 00:04:58,464 --> 00:05:01,432 and then put the object between the sheets. 130 00:05:01,500 --> 00:05:03,601 It was very cold back then. 131 00:05:03,669 --> 00:05:05,570 And it would warm the sheets. 132 00:05:07,406 --> 00:05:09,440 And I-I think that's the gist of it. 133 00:05:09,508 --> 00:05:11,342 How much footage of this do we have? 134 00:05:11,410 --> 00:05:13,077 Oh-oh, this is live. 135 00:05:13,145 --> 00:05:14,479 This... Can-can she hear me? 136 00:05:14,546 --> 00:05:16,814 Okay, you can put it down now. 137 00:05:16,882 --> 00:05:19,417 You... She can't hear me. Okay. 138 00:05:20,919 --> 00:05:22,987 What the hell is going on here? 139 00:05:23,055 --> 00:05:25,523 Is it... is it... Am I having a stroke? 140 00:05:27,659 --> 00:05:29,160 Wait, Peter! Don't go! 141 00:05:29,228 --> 00:05:31,012 So, you changed your mind, huh, buddy? 142 00:05:31,080 --> 00:05:32,663 We going to Hollywood? 143 00:05:32,715 --> 00:05:34,415 You betcha. But I have to say, 144 00:05:34,483 --> 00:05:36,333 I thought you'd drive a fancier car. 145 00:05:36,358 --> 00:05:37,485 What? Why? 146 00:05:37,486 --> 00:05:40,121 Well, aren't you the Peter Griffin of Peter Griffin Cadillac? 147 00:05:40,189 --> 00:05:41,422 No, that's another guy. 148 00:05:41,490 --> 00:05:43,424 Hi. I'm Peter Griffin, 149 00:05:43,492 --> 00:05:46,444 and at Peter Griffin Cadillac, we believe in three things: 150 00:05:46,512 --> 00:05:49,247 fair dealing, family, and friendship. 151 00:05:49,314 --> 00:05:51,149 I've lived in Quahog my whole life. 152 00:05:51,216 --> 00:05:52,617 I love it here. 153 00:05:52,684 --> 00:05:54,986 And you're gonna love a Peter Griffin Cadillac. 154 00:05:55,054 --> 00:05:56,087 Scumbag. 155 00:06:02,797 --> 00:06:04,251 All right, Lois, remember to feed the cat, 156 00:06:04,276 --> 00:06:05,776 and remember to get a cat. 157 00:06:05,850 --> 00:06:07,851 I still don't understand why you got to go 158 00:06:07,919 --> 00:06:09,353 all the way to Hollywood. 159 00:06:09,420 --> 00:06:11,588 Because I know Tom Tucker could be a great actor, 160 00:06:11,656 --> 00:06:13,724 and I'm gonna help him make it happen. 161 00:06:13,791 --> 00:06:15,659 You see, everybody needs just one person 162 00:06:15,727 --> 00:06:17,160 to believe in their dreams 163 00:06:17,228 --> 00:06:19,696 so they can spread their wings and fly. 164 00:06:19,764 --> 00:06:21,365 Dad, can I have money for dance classes? 165 00:06:21,432 --> 00:06:22,933 Sit down, you dumpy bread loaf. 166 00:06:23,001 --> 00:06:24,568 I'd pay to see you not dance. 167 00:06:24,636 --> 00:06:26,336 - When will you be back? - I don't know. 168 00:06:26,404 --> 00:06:28,005 But I'll be sure to be back 169 00:06:28,072 --> 00:06:29,573 before Chris's big dance class recital. 170 00:06:29,641 --> 00:06:31,141 I believe in that boy. 171 00:06:31,209 --> 00:06:32,542 I don't want to dance! 172 00:06:32,610 --> 00:06:33,744 You'll dance! 173 00:06:41,786 --> 00:06:43,253 Boy, I don't know, Peter, 174 00:06:43,304 --> 00:06:45,339 being back out here makes me kind of nervous. 175 00:06:45,423 --> 00:06:46,757 Maybe-maybe this was all a mistake. 176 00:06:46,808 --> 00:06:48,475 Don't be silly, Tom-- you're an actor, 177 00:06:48,559 --> 00:06:50,177 and this is where you belong. Now, let's take some of 178 00:06:50,261 --> 00:06:53,063 this complimentary luggage and get going. 179 00:06:54,799 --> 00:06:56,933 Well, so, h-how do we do this? 180 00:06:56,985 --> 00:06:57,752 You do nothing. 181 00:06:57,777 --> 00:06:59,277 You just sit back and let your agent 182 00:06:59,821 --> 00:07:01,491 knock on every door in Hollywood till he gets 183 00:07:01,516 --> 00:07:02,716 you an acting job. 184 00:07:03,107 --> 00:07:05,609 And that starts right now. 185 00:07:05,660 --> 00:07:07,344 Yes? C-Can I help you? 186 00:07:07,412 --> 00:07:08,812 No, but I can help you. 187 00:07:08,880 --> 00:07:10,514 You need to hire this man. 188 00:07:10,581 --> 00:07:13,016 Oh. Um, okay. 189 00:07:13,084 --> 00:07:16,353 Well, do you have any experience handling bags? 190 00:07:16,421 --> 00:07:17,821 Aha! I see! 191 00:07:17,889 --> 00:07:19,556 Typical casting-couch stuff. 192 00:07:19,624 --> 00:07:21,658 All right, kid, you want to make it 193 00:07:21,726 --> 00:07:23,110 in showbiz or don't you? 194 00:07:27,998 --> 00:07:30,534 I thought the airport was Hollywood. 195 00:07:35,606 --> 00:07:39,142 Hey, Mom, I want you to meet my new girlfriend. 196 00:07:39,210 --> 00:07:40,243 New girlfriend? 197 00:07:40,311 --> 00:07:41,645 Yeah, you remember that girl 198 00:07:41,713 --> 00:07:43,113 Lindsey I told you about? 199 00:07:43,181 --> 00:07:46,550 Well, I asked her out, and now we are dating. 200 00:07:46,617 --> 00:07:49,636 Lindsey, this is my mom, my little brother Stewie, 201 00:07:49,704 --> 00:07:51,505 and my dog Brian. 202 00:07:51,572 --> 00:07:52,372 Hey. 203 00:07:52,440 --> 00:07:54,741 Oh, my God. 204 00:07:54,809 --> 00:07:56,243 My goodness, look at you. 205 00:07:56,310 --> 00:07:59,546 Do you even realize who you look like? 206 00:07:59,614 --> 00:08:00,747 Cameron Diaz, that's who. 207 00:08:00,815 --> 00:08:03,283 You are gorgeous! 208 00:08:03,351 --> 00:08:05,152 Well, she's awful pretty-- I know that, Mom. 209 00:08:05,219 --> 00:08:06,453 Are you kidding me? 210 00:08:06,521 --> 00:08:07,788 Are they not seeing this? 211 00:08:07,855 --> 00:08:09,489 I know, it's kind of creepy. It's almost like 212 00:08:09,557 --> 00:08:11,491 he's dating Lois. Yeah. 213 00:08:11,559 --> 00:08:13,560 Looks like somebody's getting a little Oedipus-y. 214 00:08:13,644 --> 00:08:15,479 - Can we say that? - Just did. 215 00:08:19,217 --> 00:08:21,084 All right, Tom, this is totally gonna work. 216 00:08:21,152 --> 00:08:22,903 All the biggest Hollywood players eat here, 217 00:08:22,970 --> 00:08:25,522 and we just got to make them think we're one of them. 218 00:08:25,590 --> 00:08:27,891 That's why I got these old Hollywood Jew glasses. 219 00:08:27,942 --> 00:08:29,192 Waiter! Oh, waiter! 220 00:08:29,243 --> 00:08:31,211 Yes sir. Are you gentlemen ready to order? 221 00:08:31,279 --> 00:08:34,331 Yes, I will have the Big and Fancy, and my client here 222 00:08:34,398 --> 00:08:35,412 will have a bottle of your best steak. 223 00:08:35,437 --> 00:08:36,637 Right away, sir. 224 00:08:36,822 --> 00:08:38,143 Peter, I-I'm not sure what any of this 225 00:08:38,144 --> 00:08:39,676 has to do with getting me acting jobs. 226 00:08:39,701 --> 00:08:41,101 Tom, who's the agent here? 227 00:08:41,147 --> 00:08:42,681 - You are. - And who is the actor? 228 00:08:42,749 --> 00:08:44,483 Well, I am. 229 00:08:44,551 --> 00:08:46,685 Wait, which one am I again? The agent. 230 00:08:46,736 --> 00:08:49,205 And who's paying for dinner? I assumed you were. 231 00:08:49,272 --> 00:08:51,574 Ah, then we best load our pockets with bread 232 00:08:51,641 --> 00:08:54,159 and get the hell out of here. 233 00:08:54,244 --> 00:08:55,311 We have to go! 234 00:08:55,378 --> 00:08:57,963 Not expensive enough! 235 00:08:58,031 --> 00:09:00,549 Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice your glasses, 236 00:09:00,617 --> 00:09:03,752 your poor table manners and your huge sense of entitlement. 237 00:09:03,820 --> 00:09:05,187 - Are you an agent? - I am. 238 00:09:05,255 --> 00:09:07,656 You've got ten seconds to dazzle me. Go. 239 00:09:07,724 --> 00:09:10,376 Well, I'm the casting director for NCIS, 240 00:09:10,443 --> 00:09:13,112 and we need an actor for a mall role that shoots tomorrow. 241 00:09:13,179 --> 00:09:14,914 This is your man. 242 00:09:14,981 --> 00:09:17,049 That's great! He's got just the look we're after. 243 00:09:17,117 --> 00:09:19,485 Show up here at 10:00 a.m. tomorrow. 244 00:09:19,552 --> 00:09:20,903 How about that, huh, Tom? 245 00:09:20,971 --> 00:09:22,204 You're back in the business. 246 00:09:22,272 --> 00:09:24,073 Wow, Peter, I can't believe it! 247 00:09:24,140 --> 00:09:25,457 Hey, don't be so surprised. 248 00:09:25,525 --> 00:09:27,459 I've been pounding the pavement for you, buddy. 249 00:09:27,527 --> 00:09:29,461 I even gave out all my business cards. 250 00:09:29,529 --> 00:09:32,230 Call me! Call me! Call me! 251 00:09:32,282 --> 00:09:34,833 Call me! Call me! Call me! Call me! 252 00:09:34,901 --> 00:09:37,653 Ah, show business. 253 00:09:40,857 --> 00:09:43,292 Oh, hi, you two. 254 00:09:43,360 --> 00:09:45,961 You know, Lindsey, I just want to say how nice it is 255 00:09:46,029 --> 00:09:48,163 to have such a beautiful young woman in our home. 256 00:09:48,231 --> 00:09:49,398 Oh, a baby. 257 00:09:49,466 --> 00:09:51,133 I almost had one of you twice. 258 00:09:51,217 --> 00:09:53,652 Who didn't, right? 259 00:09:53,720 --> 00:09:56,055 So, what are you two up to tonight? 260 00:09:56,122 --> 00:09:57,873 Well, we really haven't decided yet. 261 00:09:57,941 --> 00:09:59,825 Eh, I'll think of something while I'm taking 262 00:09:59,893 --> 00:10:01,860 a chick dump in your parents' bathroom. 263 00:10:01,928 --> 00:10:04,430 And I will hold your purse. 264 00:10:04,497 --> 00:10:05,764 Good for Chris, huh? 265 00:10:05,832 --> 00:10:07,466 He picked a peach, didn't he? 266 00:10:07,534 --> 00:10:10,536 Lois, don't you think maybe part of the reason you like Lindsey 267 00:10:10,604 --> 00:10:12,438 could be because she looks so much like you? 268 00:10:12,505 --> 00:10:13,622 What? 269 00:10:13,690 --> 00:10:15,307 Come on, she's clearly an awful person. 270 00:10:15,375 --> 00:10:17,142 And I think it's possible that your vanity 271 00:10:17,210 --> 00:10:18,994 has made you a little blind to that. 272 00:10:19,062 --> 00:10:21,897 Oh... I see what's going on here-- you're jealous. 273 00:10:21,965 --> 00:10:24,366 Chris has a wonderful young woman in his life, 274 00:10:24,434 --> 00:10:25,934 and you've got nothing. 275 00:10:26,002 --> 00:10:27,136 She's kind of right, Brian. 276 00:10:27,203 --> 00:10:29,271 All you've got is a worn-out rope toy 277 00:10:29,339 --> 00:10:32,441 and that squirrel who comes by once a day to taunt you. 278 00:10:32,509 --> 00:10:34,627 Hey! 279 00:10:34,694 --> 00:10:36,795 Hey, get out of here! This is our yard! 280 00:10:36,863 --> 00:10:38,597 You don't belong there! Don't you touch anything! 281 00:10:38,665 --> 00:10:39,898 I told you all this yesterday! 282 00:10:51,294 --> 00:10:54,430 To your first big TV acting job. 283 00:10:54,497 --> 00:10:56,498 We now return to NCIS. 284 00:10:56,566 --> 00:10:58,334 Oh, here it is. Here comes my part. 285 00:10:59,569 --> 00:11:01,003 Excuse me. 286 00:11:01,071 --> 00:11:02,838 I'm looking for Ed Manzelli. 287 00:11:02,906 --> 00:11:04,473 Good evening. I'm Ed Manzelli. 288 00:11:04,541 --> 00:11:06,141 What can I do for you? 289 00:11:06,209 --> 00:11:08,377 I'm looking for a guy who used to work here. 290 00:11:08,445 --> 00:11:10,379 Name's Mario. Got any idea where he could be? 291 00:11:10,447 --> 00:11:12,281 I haven't seen him in over a month. 292 00:11:12,349 --> 00:11:13,916 That's the end of my line. 293 00:11:13,983 --> 00:11:15,951 Your line, NCIS. 294 00:11:16,019 --> 00:11:18,887 You son of a bitch, you made me feel again. 295 00:11:18,972 --> 00:11:21,423 Oh, don't you go 'cause I'll go. 296 00:11:21,491 --> 00:11:23,942 You know, Peter, I just want to thank you 297 00:11:24,010 --> 00:11:25,444 for all you've done for me. 298 00:11:25,512 --> 00:11:27,279 You... You are one hell of an agent. 299 00:11:27,347 --> 00:11:29,214 Well, with you as a client, it's easy. 300 00:11:29,282 --> 00:11:30,366 Mr. Griffin? 301 00:11:30,433 --> 00:11:31,784 Yes, Sandra? You have a secretary? 302 00:11:31,851 --> 00:11:33,686 She calls herself an assistant, but yes. 303 00:11:33,753 --> 00:11:34,987 What is it, Sandra? 304 00:11:35,055 --> 00:11:36,655 There's a man here to see you. 305 00:11:36,723 --> 00:11:39,458 He says he wants to talk to you about being his agent. 306 00:11:39,526 --> 00:11:41,560 Really?! Well, then, by all means, send him in! 307 00:11:41,628 --> 00:11:43,145 Hey, knucklebutts! 308 00:11:43,213 --> 00:11:45,414 James Woods?! 309 00:11:45,482 --> 00:11:47,049 But I... I don't understand! 310 00:11:47,117 --> 00:11:48,784 I... I thought you were dead! 311 00:11:48,852 --> 00:11:50,352 Well... I'm not. 312 00:11:50,420 --> 00:11:51,553 I don't believe you. 313 00:11:51,621 --> 00:11:53,088 God, is that true? 314 00:11:53,156 --> 00:11:54,490 God? 315 00:11:54,557 --> 00:11:57,092 God, are you there? 316 00:12:03,183 --> 00:12:06,118 Come on, don't touch yourself. You're God. 317 00:12:12,800 --> 00:12:14,868 I-I don't get it. Last time we saw you, 318 00:12:14,936 --> 00:12:17,704 Diane Simmons had just stabbed you in the back with a knife. 319 00:12:17,772 --> 00:12:19,973 Yeah! How the hell did you come back to life?! 320 00:12:20,041 --> 00:12:21,425 Well, gentlemen, 321 00:12:21,509 --> 00:12:24,211 sometimes being a big Hollywood star has its advantages. 322 00:12:29,217 --> 00:12:31,368 Hey, is this guy somebody? 323 00:12:31,436 --> 00:12:33,103 Yeah, that's James Woods! 324 00:12:33,171 --> 00:12:34,504 We got a celebrity here! 325 00:12:34,572 --> 00:12:36,590 I repeat, this is not a normal dead person! 326 00:12:36,658 --> 00:12:37,691 This is a celebrity! 327 00:12:39,894 --> 00:12:41,812 Being a famous movie star entitled me 328 00:12:41,879 --> 00:12:43,563 to topnotch medical care 329 00:12:43,615 --> 00:12:46,984 not available to the rest of society. 330 00:12:47,068 --> 00:12:49,602 My body was immediately taken to a Hollywood hospital, 331 00:12:49,654 --> 00:12:53,307 where I was hooked up to a 17-year-old ingenue. 332 00:12:55,743 --> 00:12:57,828 And in accordance with Hollywood law, 333 00:12:57,912 --> 00:12:59,613 her life force was infused into me, 334 00:12:59,681 --> 00:13:02,299 bringing me back from the dead. 335 00:13:02,383 --> 00:13:04,217 What happened to the girl? 336 00:13:04,285 --> 00:13:06,203 I threw her out a car window at Nora Ephron. 337 00:13:08,456 --> 00:13:10,057 Stop making Jack Nicholson a pansy! 338 00:13:10,124 --> 00:13:11,959 You're thinking of Nancy Meyers! 339 00:13:12,026 --> 00:13:13,961 You're the same thing! 340 00:13:14,028 --> 00:13:15,429 Wow. That's amazing. 341 00:13:15,496 --> 00:13:17,798 So, what do you say, Peter? Will you be my agent? 342 00:13:17,865 --> 00:13:19,116 I don't get it. Why would a big shot 343 00:13:19,183 --> 00:13:20,550 like you want me for an agent? 344 00:13:20,618 --> 00:13:22,602 Because you're an up-and-comer, because you're hungry. 345 00:13:22,654 --> 00:13:23,854 I am hungry. 346 00:13:23,938 --> 00:13:25,489 But you put me and my family 347 00:13:25,556 --> 00:13:27,357 through a lot of crap over the years. 348 00:13:27,425 --> 00:13:28,925 Why would I want to help you? 349 00:13:28,993 --> 00:13:30,160 Well, because you're my agent. 350 00:13:30,228 --> 00:13:31,695 Oh, my God, you're right! I am! 351 00:13:31,763 --> 00:13:32,996 Hey, hold on now. 352 00:13:33,081 --> 00:13:34,848 You came out here to be my agent. 353 00:13:34,916 --> 00:13:36,683 Tom, relax, I can take care of you both. 354 00:13:36,751 --> 00:13:38,418 You'd be surprised how much I can handle. 355 00:13:38,486 --> 00:13:41,288 Peter, I need you to drop Stewie off at day care, 356 00:13:41,356 --> 00:13:43,790 and then shred this big stack of old bank statements. 357 00:13:43,841 --> 00:13:45,392 You got it, Lois. 358 00:13:47,595 --> 00:13:49,429 Is he always this quiet? 359 00:13:52,633 --> 00:13:55,535 So, Kevin made another attempt on his life last night. 360 00:13:55,603 --> 00:13:57,604 He drank two bottles of dish soap. 361 00:13:57,672 --> 00:13:59,206 Well, we have some news, too. 362 00:13:59,273 --> 00:14:01,875 Chris is dating the most wonderful girl. 363 00:14:01,943 --> 00:14:04,478 You know, everyone said, "Don't smoke during your pregnancy," 364 00:14:04,545 --> 00:14:07,748 but I think some of it rubbed off on him 'cause now he's cool. 365 00:14:07,815 --> 00:14:09,182 That's nice. 366 00:14:09,250 --> 00:14:10,917 Well, I should go, Lois. 367 00:14:10,985 --> 00:14:13,704 Yeah, I should probably get going myself. 368 00:14:13,771 --> 00:14:15,072 Oh, my God! 369 00:14:18,076 --> 00:14:19,559 What? What is it, Lois? 370 00:14:19,627 --> 00:14:20,927 That girl over there-- 371 00:14:20,995 --> 00:14:22,896 that... that's Chris's girlfriend! 372 00:14:22,964 --> 00:14:25,665 Hey, you know, she kind of looks like you, Lois. 373 00:14:25,733 --> 00:14:27,934 Maybe she'll thank me for buying the coffee. 374 00:14:28,002 --> 00:14:30,070 You think she looks like me, too? 375 00:14:30,138 --> 00:14:31,872 Oh, my God. 376 00:14:31,939 --> 00:14:33,774 I'm starting to think Brian was right. 377 00:14:33,841 --> 00:14:36,977 Maybe I have been blinded by my own stupid vanity. 378 00:14:37,045 --> 00:14:38,745 That girl is nothing but trouble. 379 00:14:38,813 --> 00:14:40,614 Are you gonna tell Chris? 380 00:14:40,681 --> 00:14:42,349 I guess I'll have to, 381 00:14:42,417 --> 00:14:44,618 but he doesn't take bad news very well. 382 00:14:44,685 --> 00:14:47,854 Oh, Chris, honey, I'm so sorry to tell you this, 383 00:14:47,922 --> 00:14:50,223 but your grandfather died. 384 00:14:58,900 --> 00:15:00,067 All right, gentlemen. 385 00:15:00,134 --> 00:15:01,968 So, what do you got for my client? 386 00:15:02,036 --> 00:15:03,770 Well, we're making a mediocre action film, 387 00:15:03,838 --> 00:15:06,473 and we think James is just the guy to do a serviceable job 388 00:15:06,541 --> 00:15:09,209 in a supporting role that Jeremy Irons, Jeff Goldblum, 389 00:15:09,277 --> 00:15:11,311 and Craig T. Nelson have already passed on. 390 00:15:11,379 --> 00:15:13,613 Well, we'd need to see a script first. 391 00:15:13,681 --> 00:15:14,815 Oh, looks good. 392 00:15:14,882 --> 00:15:16,149 What do you think, James? 393 00:15:16,217 --> 00:15:17,250 I like it. Good. 394 00:15:17,318 --> 00:15:18,819 I say we move on this. 395 00:15:18,886 --> 00:15:20,187 All right, then, let's negotiate. 396 00:15:20,254 --> 00:15:21,838 - We want everything. - We'll give you nothing. 397 00:15:21,906 --> 00:15:23,557 - We want something. - Deal. 398 00:15:28,229 --> 00:15:30,263 Ugh, not this hillbilly from Rhode Island again. 399 00:15:30,331 --> 00:15:32,499 No thank you. 400 00:15:32,567 --> 00:15:34,034 This is Peter Griffin, famous agent, 401 00:15:34,102 --> 00:15:35,735 but you can call me PG-13. 402 00:15:35,803 --> 00:15:37,003 Ba-boom! 403 00:15:37,071 --> 00:15:38,271 Leave a message. 404 00:15:38,339 --> 00:15:39,639 Hi, Peter, it's Tom. 405 00:15:39,707 --> 00:15:41,475 Uh, just trying to reach you again. 406 00:15:41,542 --> 00:15:43,076 And you know, about that meeting 407 00:15:43,144 --> 00:15:44,978 you set up with me and Heath Ledger... 408 00:15:45,046 --> 00:15:46,613 He... He never showed. 409 00:15:46,681 --> 00:15:49,216 Maybe I was at the wrong Panda Express, but I... 410 00:15:49,283 --> 00:15:51,551 Anyway, uh, call me back. 411 00:15:54,489 --> 00:15:56,706 Hey, listen, thanks for inviting me to lunch, Peter. 412 00:15:56,774 --> 00:15:58,141 I-I was starting to get nervous 413 00:15:58,209 --> 00:15:59,743 when you weren't returning my calls. 414 00:15:59,811 --> 00:16:02,412 Tom, I... I didn't know how to say this to you, 415 00:16:02,480 --> 00:16:04,181 so, here, take this piece of paper. 416 00:16:04,248 --> 00:16:08,051 And you're on in four, three, two... 417 00:16:08,119 --> 00:16:10,487 "Peter Griffin drops Tom Tucker as a client." 418 00:16:10,555 --> 00:16:12,923 You're-you're dropping me as a client? 419 00:16:12,990 --> 00:16:14,257 Yeah, just heard it on the news. 420 00:16:14,325 --> 00:16:15,542 How could you do this?! 421 00:16:15,610 --> 00:16:17,010 Look, it's a whole different landscape 422 00:16:17,078 --> 00:16:18,211 out here since Thursday. 423 00:16:18,279 --> 00:16:19,746 Everything's on computers now. 424 00:16:19,814 --> 00:16:21,948 Peter, I left a very good job for this! 425 00:16:22,016 --> 00:16:23,783 You're the only reason I came back out here! 426 00:16:23,851 --> 00:16:25,185 I wish I could help you, Tom, 427 00:16:25,253 --> 00:16:26,453 but this is coming from upstairs. 428 00:16:26,521 --> 00:16:27,787 The karate studio? 429 00:16:27,855 --> 00:16:29,289 Tom, I have to go now. 430 00:16:29,357 --> 00:16:32,692 But if you're ever Kevin James, I want you to give me a call. 431 00:16:38,516 --> 00:16:39,916 Mm. Hello? 432 00:16:39,984 --> 00:16:41,718 Peter, it's me, Woodsy! I need a favor. 433 00:16:41,786 --> 00:16:44,254 What?! It's, like, 2:00 a.m. 434 00:16:44,322 --> 00:16:46,022 Yeah, so listen, I'm at Chateau Marmont, 435 00:16:46,090 --> 00:16:47,657 I just met this 18-year-old chick, 436 00:16:47,725 --> 00:16:49,926 and I can't decide whether to take her home 437 00:16:49,994 --> 00:16:51,695 or keep doing blow with Tom Sizemore 438 00:16:51,762 --> 00:16:54,247 and see if I can do better later in the night. 439 00:16:54,315 --> 00:16:55,482 Well, okay, um... 440 00:16:55,550 --> 00:16:57,083 Do, uh, do-do you love her? 441 00:16:57,151 --> 00:16:59,252 What?! Look, I'm texting you her picture. 442 00:16:59,320 --> 00:17:02,022 Just tell me if you think she's hot enough. 443 00:17:03,491 --> 00:17:05,475 I... What is this a picture of? 444 00:17:05,543 --> 00:17:07,644 Is that the bottom of a white pumpkin? 445 00:17:07,712 --> 00:17:09,212 Is she hot or not? 446 00:17:09,280 --> 00:17:10,881 I-I guess. Okay, good, great. 447 00:17:10,948 --> 00:17:13,633 So clear out of your apartment; we're gonna be there in 15. 448 00:17:13,701 --> 00:17:14,885 What?! I'm sleeping. 449 00:17:14,952 --> 00:17:16,720 Why can't you bring her to your place? 450 00:17:16,804 --> 00:17:18,121 I don't know, man. 451 00:17:18,189 --> 00:17:19,656 It's my aunt's daughter. It's weird. 452 00:17:24,345 --> 00:17:26,346 Chris, honey, 453 00:17:26,414 --> 00:17:28,381 there's something I want to talk to you about. 454 00:17:28,449 --> 00:17:29,849 Why, sure, Mom. Come on in. 455 00:17:29,917 --> 00:17:31,618 Chris, you know your girlfriend, Lindsey? 456 00:17:31,686 --> 00:17:33,019 Yeah. 457 00:17:33,087 --> 00:17:35,088 Well, honey, 458 00:17:35,156 --> 00:17:37,791 I saw her making out with another boy. 459 00:17:37,858 --> 00:17:39,960 Was she kissing with her mouth, or her pants-mouth? 460 00:17:40,027 --> 00:17:41,261 Because she does both. 461 00:17:41,329 --> 00:17:43,496 Chris, I can't believe you knew about this! 462 00:17:43,564 --> 00:17:45,098 That's terrible! 463 00:17:45,166 --> 00:17:47,434 Why would you even date a girl like that? 464 00:17:47,501 --> 00:17:50,637 Well, because... I-I thought she'd be like you. 465 00:17:50,705 --> 00:17:51,705 Like me? 466 00:17:51,772 --> 00:17:53,173 Well, you got to admit, Mom, 467 00:17:53,241 --> 00:17:55,408 she does look a lot like you. 468 00:17:55,476 --> 00:17:58,211 I mean, I just look at you and Dad, you know? 469 00:17:58,262 --> 00:18:00,931 He's a complete train wreck, and you put up with him. 470 00:18:01,015 --> 00:18:03,049 And I'm no prize myself. 471 00:18:03,100 --> 00:18:06,720 So, I guess I figured if I don't find a girl just like you, 472 00:18:06,771 --> 00:18:08,688 I might never find anyone. 473 00:18:08,756 --> 00:18:10,440 Oh, Chris. 474 00:18:10,508 --> 00:18:12,342 Of course you'll find someone. 475 00:18:12,410 --> 00:18:13,777 And you are a prize. 476 00:18:13,844 --> 00:18:16,012 You're a handsome, kind-hearted, young man, 477 00:18:16,080 --> 00:18:18,949 and any girl would be lucky to have you in her life. 478 00:18:19,016 --> 00:18:20,283 You really think so? 479 00:18:20,351 --> 00:18:22,085 Of course I do, sweetheart. 480 00:18:22,153 --> 00:18:23,987 Thanks, Mo 481 00:18:25,523 --> 00:18:27,857 Now I'm gonna take the child filter off the computer, 482 00:18:27,925 --> 00:18:29,960 and I want you to have a fun night. 483 00:18:34,532 --> 00:18:35,832 Okay, this is it, James. 484 00:18:35,900 --> 00:18:37,667 I got your next project right here. 485 00:18:37,735 --> 00:18:40,487 Peter, you've pitched me dozens of projects, 486 00:18:40,554 --> 00:18:43,490 and all of them involve me playing a hayride driver. 487 00:18:43,557 --> 00:18:45,825 I don't know, I just see you doing that. 488 00:18:45,893 --> 00:18:48,078 You know, this year, it's vampires, next year, it's hay. 489 00:18:48,145 --> 00:18:49,346 These things go in cycles. 490 00:18:49,413 --> 00:18:50,975 Peter, this is probably a good time to fire you. 491 00:18:50,976 --> 00:18:52,244 What?! 492 00:18:52,269 --> 00:18:53,869 Come on, Peter, who are we kidding? 493 00:18:53,951 --> 00:18:55,719 You're a one-man operation. 494 00:18:55,786 --> 00:18:57,487 You know me. I need a whole crew. 495 00:18:57,571 --> 00:19:00,373 I need a drugs guy, a girls guy, a fitness guy, 496 00:19:00,441 --> 00:19:03,910 a guy with a boat who can dump stuff way-out-there kind of guy. 497 00:19:03,978 --> 00:19:05,412 But... But you're my only client! 498 00:19:05,479 --> 00:19:06,613 Without you, I'm ruined! 499 00:19:06,681 --> 00:19:08,148 Well, that's show business. 500 00:19:08,215 --> 00:19:11,234 Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to answer this fake phone call. 501 00:19:11,302 --> 00:19:12,769 Hello? Grimace from McDonald's? 502 00:19:12,837 --> 00:19:14,537 Sorry, Peter, I got to take this. 503 00:19:14,605 --> 00:19:15,939 No, I understand. 504 00:19:22,580 --> 00:19:23,847 Hey, Tom. 505 00:19:23,914 --> 00:19:25,615 How you doing? 506 00:19:25,683 --> 00:19:26,850 What do you want? 507 00:19:26,917 --> 00:19:28,418 James Woods fired me. 508 00:19:28,486 --> 00:19:30,720 Listen, I-I been thinking. 509 00:19:30,788 --> 00:19:32,789 I was a real jerk to you. 510 00:19:32,857 --> 00:19:34,324 I dragged you out here, 511 00:19:34,392 --> 00:19:36,860 only to dump you when you needed me the most. 512 00:19:36,927 --> 00:19:38,178 I guess what I'm saying is, 513 00:19:38,245 --> 00:19:40,413 I'm really sorry about everything. 514 00:19:40,481 --> 00:19:42,015 Sorry doesn't cut it, Peter. 515 00:19:42,083 --> 00:19:44,584 I quit my job, I left everything behind to come out here. 516 00:19:44,652 --> 00:19:46,386 I know, but I was just trying to help. 517 00:19:46,454 --> 00:19:47,954 I never wanted to let you down. 518 00:19:48,022 --> 00:19:51,858 Well, I suppose your only crime is that you believed in me. 519 00:19:51,926 --> 00:19:54,194 And then stopped believing in me rather abruptly. 520 00:19:54,261 --> 00:19:55,595 So what do you say? 521 00:19:55,663 --> 00:19:57,697 You ready to go back to where we both belong? 522 00:19:57,765 --> 00:20:00,333 Yup. Let's go home. 523 00:20:00,401 --> 00:20:01,735 Sounds good. 524 00:20:01,802 --> 00:20:04,771 Hey, check out this picture James Woods texted me. 525 00:20:04,839 --> 00:20:07,440 What is that? A balloon running out of air? 526 00:20:07,508 --> 00:20:09,376 Yeah, see, I was hoping you would know. 527 00:20:10,444 --> 00:20:12,011 It's his cousin's anus. 528 00:20:16,283 --> 00:20:17,751 Good evening, Quahog. I'm Tom Tucker. 529 00:20:17,818 --> 00:20:19,285 And I'm Joyce Kinney. 530 00:20:19,353 --> 00:20:22,589 Tom, I think I speak for all of us here at Channel Five News 531 00:20:22,656 --> 00:20:24,924 when I say it's good to have you back here 532 00:20:24,992 --> 00:20:26,025 at half your original salary. 533 00:20:26,093 --> 00:20:27,227 Still twice yours, Joyce. 534 00:20:27,294 --> 00:20:28,628 Our top story tonight: 535 00:20:28,696 --> 00:20:31,097 Quahog's first organic supermarket opens this weekend. 536 00:20:31,165 --> 00:20:33,299 So head on down before the gays turn it 537 00:20:33,367 --> 00:20:35,935 into a cruising ground like they did the Barnes and Noble 538 00:20:36,003 --> 00:20:38,071 upstairs coffee bar, which they had to close. 539 00:20:38,139 --> 00:20:40,440 Well, I'm just happy Tom got his job back. 540 00:20:40,508 --> 00:20:42,776 But I'm sorry I missed meeting your girlfriend, Chris. 541 00:20:42,843 --> 00:20:44,244 That's okay, Dad. 542 00:20:44,311 --> 00:20:45,678 Yeah, Chris, I never asked you. 543 00:20:45,746 --> 00:20:47,981 What did Lindsey say when you broke up with her? 544 00:20:48,048 --> 00:20:49,716 Oh, she didn't seem to mind. 545 00:20:49,784 --> 00:20:51,684 I think she already moved on to someone else. 546 00:20:51,752 --> 00:20:53,386 Thanks for buying me these clothes, Glenn. 547 00:20:53,454 --> 00:20:54,687 You're welcome. 548 00:20:54,755 --> 00:20:56,022 And you're dismissed. 549 00:20:56,090 --> 00:20:57,957 Do I still get to keep the 20? 550 00:20:59,580 --> 00:21:03,580 == sync, corrected by elderman ==