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00:00:01,685 --> 00:00:04,787
♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
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00:00:04,854 --> 00:00:08,307
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
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00:00:08,391 --> 00:00:11,660
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
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00:00:11,728 --> 00:00:14,963
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
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00:00:15,015 --> 00:00:18,183
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
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♪ All the things that make us ♪
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♪ Laugh and cry ♪
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♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
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00:00:29,953 --> 00:00:33,953
♪ Family Guy 10x21 ♪
Tea Peter
Original Air Date on May 7, 2012
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00:00:33,978 --> 00:00:37,978
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
12
00:00:38,254 --> 00:00:41,657
Wow, congratulations on your
grand re-opening, Mort.
13
00:00:41,725 --> 00:00:43,642
Looks like your customers
are comin' back.
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00:00:43,710 --> 00:00:46,795
Thanks, Lois. It's good
to be up and gouging again.
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00:00:46,846 --> 00:00:48,714
Oh, careful.
Watch out there, Brian.
16
00:00:48,798 --> 00:00:49,982
Looks like the floor is wet.
17
00:00:50,050 --> 00:00:51,684
Excuse me.
I'm kind of in a hurry
18
00:00:51,751 --> 00:00:53,652
Son of a bitch!
19
00:00:53,720 --> 00:00:55,254
Oh, my God!
Are you okay?
20
00:00:55,321 --> 00:00:57,773
I'm sorry. I've been
a little distracted lately.
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00:00:57,841 --> 00:00:59,675
I think my wife has
been crossing the street
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00:00:59,743 --> 00:01:00,876
with another man.
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00:01:02,312 --> 00:01:04,146
God, I hope Alan
doesn't find out.
24
00:01:04,197 --> 00:01:05,748
Hey, forget that klutz.
25
00:01:08,001 --> 00:01:11,153
Hmm, maybe this one.
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00:01:11,221 --> 00:01:13,489
Hey. Lookin' at you
pretty normal, huh?
27
00:01:13,556 --> 00:01:15,190
No!
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00:01:15,258 --> 00:01:16,275
Aw, fudge.
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00:01:16,342 --> 00:01:17,509
Wait, I know!
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00:01:20,413 --> 00:01:21,647
I'll figure this out.
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00:01:21,715 --> 00:01:23,515
Th-the pieces are all there.
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00:01:23,583 --> 00:01:24,850
I-I'll go home
and figure this out.
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00:01:26,903 --> 00:01:29,004
Aw, cool. Hey Mort,
what's this thing?
34
00:01:29,072 --> 00:01:31,607
Oh, that? That's my
"Come In! We're Open" sign.
35
00:01:31,674 --> 00:01:32,925
What's that,
like an iPad?
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00:01:32,992 --> 00:01:34,410
No, it's a sign.
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00:01:34,477 --> 00:01:35,894
Wish I had one of those.
38
00:01:35,962 --> 00:01:37,346
I've got a whole box
of them.
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00:01:37,414 --> 00:01:39,148
Take it. It's yours.
No charge.
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00:01:39,215 --> 00:01:41,350
Ugh, typical Jew.
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00:01:45,321 --> 00:01:46,688
Coming this fall
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Gone Severely Disabled
Baby Gone.
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00:01:53,062 --> 00:01:55,697
I promise you we are going
to find your daughter.
46
00:01:55,765 --> 00:01:58,000
Okay, but, you know,
do-do what you can,
47
00:01:58,067 --> 00:01:59,868
but seriously, don't,
like, kill yourself.
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00:01:59,936 --> 00:02:02,571
Oh, and if you do find her,
honk this horn a couple times.
49
00:02:02,639 --> 00:02:04,807
It's the only way to get her
to stop biting you.
50
00:02:04,874 --> 00:02:06,475
But again, no rush.
51
00:02:10,447 --> 00:02:11,930
Peter, what
are you doing?
52
00:02:11,998 --> 00:02:13,649
I'm just putting up
my new sign.
53
00:02:13,716 --> 00:02:15,017
Don't put that thing
on our door.
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00:02:15,084 --> 00:02:16,168
If you want to hang it
somewhere,
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00:02:16,236 --> 00:02:17,719
hang it in the basement.
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00:02:17,787 --> 00:02:19,988
Oh, why? So you can hog it
while you're doing laundry?
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00:02:20,056 --> 00:02:21,723
No way.
Peter, we're not a business.
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00:02:21,791 --> 00:02:23,959
Hey, I saw your sign.
So, you're open?
59
00:02:24,027 --> 00:02:25,427
That's right.
What do you do?
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00:02:25,495 --> 00:02:26,662
What do you need?
Milk.
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00:02:26,729 --> 00:02:28,063
We have milk.
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00:02:34,904 --> 00:02:36,305
Peter, I told you,
I don't like
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00:02:36,372 --> 00:02:38,574
all these strangers
walking around in our house.
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00:02:38,625 --> 00:02:41,443
They're not strangers, Lois;
they are our valued customers.
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And if we don't show them
we appreciate their loyalty,
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00:02:43,813 --> 00:02:45,947
they're gonna go someplace else.
For what?!
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00:02:45,999 --> 00:02:47,216
Not to alarm anyone,
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00:02:47,283 --> 00:02:48,717
but some guy took me
in the closet
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00:02:48,785 --> 00:02:49,985
and tried me on.
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00:02:50,053 --> 00:02:52,521
She's right, Dad.
None of this makes any sense.
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00:02:52,589 --> 00:02:53,889
Meg, go take your ten.
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00:02:53,957 --> 00:02:55,624
And you may consider this
a verbal warning.
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00:02:55,692 --> 00:02:57,392
Peter, I want
these people to leave.
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00:02:57,460 --> 00:02:58,727
I fit,
by the way.
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00:02:58,795 --> 00:03:00,262
Lois, I'd love nothing more
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00:03:00,330 --> 00:03:01,430
than to sit here
and chat with you,
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00:03:01,498 --> 00:03:03,031
but I have a business to run.
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00:03:03,099 --> 00:03:04,683
Hi there.
May I help you folks?
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00:03:04,751 --> 00:03:06,985
Yes, my family and I would like
our portrait painted.
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00:03:07,053 --> 00:03:08,554
Well, you came
to the right place.
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00:03:14,260 --> 00:03:15,828
Looking good.
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00:03:15,895 --> 00:03:17,196
Almost done.
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00:03:17,263 --> 00:03:19,198
And... there.
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Done.
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00:03:22,435 --> 00:03:24,002
What have you done?!
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00:03:24,070 --> 00:03:25,804
I painted the truth.
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00:03:25,872 --> 00:03:27,506
I painted my truth.
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00:03:31,544 --> 00:03:33,595
Gimme a spin, sweetie.
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What do you think, Mom?
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00:03:34,948 --> 00:03:37,082
Is that the most beautiful
bride you've ever seen?
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00:03:37,150 --> 00:03:38,183
I love it!
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00:03:38,251 --> 00:03:39,618
Oh, it's just
so much money.
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00:03:39,686 --> 00:03:41,336
It's true. It's true.
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00:03:41,387 --> 00:03:42,454
Take the dress off,
sweetheart.
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00:03:42,522 --> 00:03:43,956
Your mother says
you can't have it.
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00:03:44,023 --> 00:03:45,224
W-wait, wait,
wait a minute.
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00:03:45,291 --> 00:03:46,475
Do you really love it?
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00:03:46,543 --> 00:03:49,027
I do. It just feels
like my wedding dress.
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00:03:49,112 --> 00:03:51,463
Oh, Mom, she loves it.
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00:03:51,531 --> 00:03:52,998
Okay.
We'll take it.
101
00:03:53,066 --> 00:03:56,201
Peter, what is that girl doing
in my wedding dress?!
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00:03:56,286 --> 00:03:58,186
She gone?
No.
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00:03:58,254 --> 00:03:59,388
Okay, well, while
I'm down here
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00:03:59,455 --> 00:04:00,956
let me give you my card.
105
00:04:01,024 --> 00:04:02,491
There you go.
106
00:04:05,795 --> 00:04:08,931
Here you go. A half pound of
honey maple turkey, sliced thin.
107
00:04:08,998 --> 00:04:10,599
I wanted a
duplicate key made.
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00:04:10,667 --> 00:04:12,033
You have a good one.
109
00:04:12,085 --> 00:04:13,318
Oh, hey, Joe.
What's going on?
110
00:04:13,386 --> 00:04:16,121
Peter, I'm afraid
I'm here to shut you down.
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00:04:16,189 --> 00:04:17,956
You're running an
unlicensed business,
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00:04:18,024 --> 00:04:19,291
and that's against the law.
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00:04:19,359 --> 00:04:20,893
Aw, that is such bullcrap.
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00:04:20,960 --> 00:04:22,644
Well, you can't fight
City Hall.
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00:04:22,712 --> 00:04:24,479
Oh, we'll see about that!
116
00:04:27,183 --> 00:04:28,784
City Hall knows karate.
117
00:04:28,851 --> 00:04:31,353
I'm sorry, Peter, but the
government makes the rules.
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00:04:31,421 --> 00:04:32,487
I just enforce them.
119
00:04:32,555 --> 00:04:33,755
I don't believe this, Joe.
120
00:04:33,823 --> 00:04:34,890
This is like
living in Russia.
121
00:04:34,958 --> 00:04:36,224
I might as well
just move there.
122
00:04:36,292 --> 00:04:37,626
You don't want to do that.
123
00:04:37,694 --> 00:04:39,595
It's dark; it's cold;
and hooking up
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00:04:39,662 --> 00:04:42,064
is just a crapshoot
'cause of all the big coats.
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00:04:42,131 --> 00:04:44,433
All right, drop
the coats on three.
126
00:04:44,500 --> 00:04:46,401
One... two...
127
00:04:46,469 --> 00:04:47,469
three!
128
00:04:47,537 --> 00:04:48,770
Yeah!
Oh...
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00:04:52,742 --> 00:04:54,810
Hey, you ever
accidentally masturbate
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00:04:54,877 --> 00:04:56,511
to young pictures
of your mom?
131
00:04:56,579 --> 00:04:58,614
Who the starts
a conversation like that?
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00:04:58,681 --> 00:05:00,182
I just sat down.
133
00:05:00,249 --> 00:05:01,617
Geez, what's
your problem, Peter?
134
00:05:01,684 --> 00:05:03,085
I'm sorry, Quagmire.
135
00:05:03,152 --> 00:05:05,087
I'm still just upset
about the damn government
136
00:05:05,154 --> 00:05:06,588
sticking its nose
in my business.
137
00:05:06,656 --> 00:05:07,823
I hear ya.
138
00:05:07,890 --> 00:05:10,359
Wasting our tax dollars
on ridiculous causes.
139
00:05:10,426 --> 00:05:11,944
We gotta protect
bald eagles?
140
00:05:12,011 --> 00:05:13,979
Bald eagles should be allowed
to make their own decisions!
141
00:05:16,149 --> 00:05:18,617
Honey, I don't care
that you're bald.
142
00:05:18,685 --> 00:05:20,218
I find you
just as attractive.
143
00:05:20,286 --> 00:05:21,603
It's not about you.
144
00:05:21,671 --> 00:05:24,840
It's about my confidence
as an eagle architect.
145
00:05:24,907 --> 00:05:26,274
Just for Eagles will give you
146
00:05:26,342 --> 00:05:28,443
thicker, fuller,
more natural hair...
147
00:05:28,494 --> 00:05:30,963
so you can just focus
on eagle stuff.
148
00:05:31,030 --> 00:05:33,231
You're an
excellent architect.
149
00:05:35,068 --> 00:05:36,501
Freakin' government.
150
00:05:36,569 --> 00:05:38,070
Giving all the
good hoses to firemen.
151
00:05:38,137 --> 00:05:39,438
I want them hoses.
152
00:05:39,505 --> 00:05:40,872
Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker.
153
00:05:40,940 --> 00:05:42,240
And I'm Joyce Kinney.
154
00:05:43,876 --> 00:05:45,711
Is it real
or just another excuse
155
00:05:45,778 --> 00:05:47,779
for kids these days
to forget their manners?
156
00:05:47,847 --> 00:05:49,815
But first, thousands
are expected
157
00:05:49,882 --> 00:05:51,283
for tomorrow's
Tea Party rally
158
00:05:51,351 --> 00:05:53,251
celebrating their new
Quahog headquarters.
159
00:05:53,319 --> 00:05:54,486
That's right, Joyce.
160
00:05:54,554 --> 00:05:56,321
The Tea Party has gained
a sizable following
161
00:05:56,389 --> 00:05:58,156
based on their message
of low taxes,
162
00:05:58,224 --> 00:06:00,392
limited government,
and happy birthday, Tom...
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00:06:00,460 --> 00:06:03,028
Oh, my God, you guys!
164
00:06:03,096 --> 00:06:04,396
Tea Party, huh?
165
00:06:04,464 --> 00:06:06,598
Well, I'd like to be
part of a movement,
166
00:06:06,666 --> 00:06:09,067
but what movement would want
an angry fat guy
167
00:06:09,135 --> 00:06:10,969
with a lot of opinions
who hates listening?
168
00:06:11,037 --> 00:06:13,071
For more details
on the Tea Party platform,
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00:06:13,139 --> 00:06:16,008
we now go to this
totally boss fireworks show.
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00:06:16,092 --> 00:06:19,928
♪ ♪
171
00:06:23,649 --> 00:06:25,283
Oh, my God! That's everything
I believe in!
172
00:06:25,351 --> 00:06:27,759
Why are they trying
to take that away from us?
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00:06:27,784 --> 00:06:28,320
I hear ya.
174
00:06:28,321 --> 00:06:29,471
Well, that's it.
175
00:06:29,539 --> 00:06:31,239
I am going down
to that rally tomorrow
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00:06:31,307 --> 00:06:32,808
and I am joining
the Tea Party!
177
00:06:32,875 --> 00:06:35,477
Oh, wait, that's the same time
as my men's knitting club,
178
00:06:35,545 --> 00:06:37,546
although they have been
really critical lately.
179
00:06:40,283 --> 00:06:42,384
You're still not knitting
honestly, Peter.
180
00:06:42,452 --> 00:06:44,219
You're knitting like
you want us to like you.
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00:06:44,287 --> 00:06:45,687
It's not coming from inside.
182
00:06:45,755 --> 00:06:47,389
It's very superficial.
183
00:06:47,457 --> 00:06:49,658
Thank you!
You've made my decision easier!
184
00:06:49,726 --> 00:06:51,426
Yes! That! Knit that!
185
00:06:58,346 --> 00:07:00,347
Good Tea Party morning,
everyone!
186
00:07:00,414 --> 00:07:01,848
Peter, you joined
the Tea Party?!
187
00:07:01,916 --> 00:07:03,049
That's right, Brian.
188
00:07:03,117 --> 00:07:04,484
I finally got something
better to do
189
00:07:04,552 --> 00:07:06,119
with my Saturdays
than sit at the mall
190
00:07:06,187 --> 00:07:09,089
and watch Japanese girls
laugh at normal conversation.
191
00:07:09,156 --> 00:07:11,291
So, I drove to work
this morning...
192
00:07:13,094 --> 00:07:14,494
And I had to stop
for coffee.
193
00:07:16,330 --> 00:07:18,398
So, there's a Starbucks
near my house.
194
00:07:21,836 --> 00:07:23,436
You people
are a circus.
195
00:07:23,504 --> 00:07:25,488
Finally, I'm part of
a movement of regular people
196
00:07:25,556 --> 00:07:27,323
trying to take back
our government.
197
00:07:27,391 --> 00:07:28,625
Look, the Tea Party isn't
198
00:07:28,693 --> 00:07:30,460
the grassroots movement
you think it is.
199
00:07:30,528 --> 00:07:31,928
It's actually funded
by Big Business types
200
00:07:31,996 --> 00:07:34,431
who are using you to get
the government out of their way
201
00:07:34,498 --> 00:07:35,965
so they can roll over
everyone.
202
00:07:36,033 --> 00:07:38,635
Mom held hands with a woman
at the gas station this morning.
203
00:07:38,703 --> 00:07:41,404
Don't know what that means.
Just reporting it.
204
00:07:41,472 --> 00:07:42,906
All I'm saying is
you're being used
205
00:07:42,973 --> 00:07:44,307
and you're too clueless
to know it.
206
00:07:44,392 --> 00:07:46,893
Boy, you just think
you're so superior, don't you?
207
00:07:46,961 --> 00:07:49,429
Like that first creature
to walk on dry land.
208
00:07:50,815 --> 00:07:52,282
Hey, where'd you go?
209
00:07:52,349 --> 00:07:54,234
Ah, I went for a jog.
What's a jog?
210
00:07:54,301 --> 00:07:56,820
It's a great way to stay
in shape is what it is.
211
00:07:56,904 --> 00:07:58,321
Is it like a swim?
212
00:07:59,874 --> 00:08:01,941
No, no, it's, it's
nothing like a swim.
213
00:08:05,413 --> 00:08:07,597
Wow, a lot of people here today.
214
00:08:07,665 --> 00:08:09,866
Yeah. Man,
I love street fairs.
215
00:08:09,934 --> 00:08:11,201
They got rides, games,
216
00:08:11,285 --> 00:08:14,053
and ethnic food cooked horribly
by white Americans.
217
00:08:14,121 --> 00:08:16,306
Tack-os!
Hot tack-os here!
218
00:08:16,373 --> 00:08:17,924
Oh, are those tack-os?
219
00:08:17,992 --> 00:08:19,859
You better believe
they're tack-os.
220
00:08:19,927 --> 00:08:21,494
I love tack-os!
221
00:08:21,562 --> 00:08:23,196
Especially on a
corn tor-tilla.
222
00:08:23,264 --> 00:08:27,066
Oh! I love tack-os
on a corn tor-tilla!
223
00:08:29,570 --> 00:08:31,571
Boy, they're really
against socialism.
224
00:08:31,639 --> 00:08:34,207
That's right. The Tea Party
is all about self-reliance.
225
00:08:34,275 --> 00:08:35,992
Look, there's even
a Tunnel of Self-Love.
226
00:08:44,485 --> 00:08:47,086
Would you like to buy a photo
of yourself on the ride, sir?
227
00:08:47,154 --> 00:08:48,188
No, I would not.
228
00:08:48,255 --> 00:08:49,656
Welcome, everyone!
229
00:08:49,723 --> 00:08:52,692
It's great to see
so many regular people out here.
230
00:08:52,760 --> 00:08:54,794
Folks who are tired
of big government
231
00:08:54,862 --> 00:08:56,729
and are ready to stand up
for their rights.
232
00:08:56,797 --> 00:08:58,631
Yeah!
Down with the Spend-o-crats!
233
00:08:58,699 --> 00:08:59,699
We are Marshall!
234
00:08:59,767 --> 00:09:01,668
And now, it's my privilege
235
00:09:01,735 --> 00:09:04,771
to introduce another regular,
blue-collar guy,
236
00:09:04,839 --> 00:09:08,675
our Quahog chapter spokesman:
Joe Workingman!
237
00:09:12,146 --> 00:09:15,398
Good afternoon, friends
and socioeconomic equals!
238
00:09:15,466 --> 00:09:17,634
Is anyone else out there
sick of government crap?
239
00:09:17,701 --> 00:09:19,269
Oh, my God.
240
00:09:19,353 --> 00:09:21,671
It's like he's saying everything
I'm listening to.
241
00:09:21,739 --> 00:09:23,039
That's right.
242
00:09:23,107 --> 00:09:25,175
The government wants to tell you
what foods to eat.
243
00:09:26,727 --> 00:09:28,294
And what church
you can go to.
244
00:09:30,030 --> 00:09:31,898
And that you can't
own a chimpanzee
245
00:09:31,966 --> 00:09:33,266
because you're not
responsible enough.
246
00:09:34,919 --> 00:09:36,085
I would feed it!
247
00:09:36,153 --> 00:09:37,987
Also, the government
wants to tell you
248
00:09:38,055 --> 00:09:39,489
how many children
you can have.
249
00:09:39,557 --> 00:09:41,457
What?! No!
250
00:09:41,525 --> 00:09:42,959
And the government
wants to tell you
251
00:09:43,027 --> 00:09:45,028
you can't throw
your old TVs into the river.
252
00:09:45,095 --> 00:09:47,764
Then how I supposed
to find TV?
253
00:09:47,832 --> 00:09:51,000
If you join the Tea Party,
together, we can fix all that.
254
00:09:51,068 --> 00:09:53,136
But you probably don't wanna
join the Tea Party
255
00:09:53,204 --> 00:09:58,358
because all you get are these
stupid, awesome keychains!
256
00:09:58,425 --> 00:10:01,327
Oh, my God, it's the keychain
from the dream!
257
00:10:04,782 --> 00:10:07,016
I got to say that guy
made a lot of sense.
258
00:10:07,084 --> 00:10:09,252
He sure did. The government's
really gotten outta hand.
259
00:10:09,320 --> 00:10:11,454
Yeah, those bastards
have ruined everything.
260
00:10:11,522 --> 00:10:13,857
The same way the Village People
ruined any gathering
261
00:10:13,924 --> 00:10:16,259
of a cop, an Indian chief,
and a construction worker.
262
00:10:16,327 --> 00:10:19,062
Oh, my God, can we get
a picture with you guys?
263
00:10:19,129 --> 00:10:20,396
We're not those guys.
264
00:10:20,464 --> 00:10:21,831
Yes, please
leave us alone.
265
00:10:21,899 --> 00:10:23,766
We're very busy.
266
00:10:23,834 --> 00:10:25,535
Now, where were we?
Oh, yeah.
267
00:10:25,603 --> 00:10:27,537
We've gotta solve
that security problem
268
00:10:27,605 --> 00:10:29,806
for the Indian Casino
we're constructing.
269
00:10:29,874 --> 00:10:31,207
Hey, you guys want
to head to the Clam?
270
00:10:31,275 --> 00:10:33,192
I'll catch up with you.
I got to hit the john.
271
00:10:38,649 --> 00:10:40,733
Hey, buddy. Is there
a bathroom around here,
272
00:10:40,801 --> 00:10:42,151
or a second floor window?
273
00:10:43,370 --> 00:10:44,571
Carter?!
274
00:10:44,638 --> 00:10:46,089
Oh... hey.
275
00:10:46,156 --> 00:10:47,657
You're involved
with the Tea Party?
276
00:10:47,725 --> 00:10:48,925
Wait a minute.
277
00:10:48,993 --> 00:10:50,560
This is what Brian
was warning me about:
278
00:10:50,628 --> 00:10:52,328
that the Tea Party
is run by rich guys
279
00:10:52,396 --> 00:10:53,696
who are only out for themselves.
280
00:10:53,764 --> 00:10:55,048
Brian?
281
00:10:55,099 --> 00:10:57,200
You mean that arrogant,
unemployed dog of yours?
282
00:10:57,268 --> 00:10:59,269
Peter, he's just one
of those liberal elites
283
00:10:59,336 --> 00:11:01,004
who spreads lies
and hates patriots.
284
00:11:01,071 --> 00:11:02,705
Yeah, he kinda is.
285
00:11:02,773 --> 00:11:05,708
You and I are both businessmen
who work hard and pay taxes.
286
00:11:05,776 --> 00:11:07,810
Except that I make
10,000 times what you make.
287
00:11:07,878 --> 00:11:09,746
Yeah, we're the same,
you and me.
288
00:11:09,813 --> 00:11:11,114
You know, Peter, the truth is,
289
00:11:11,181 --> 00:11:12,949
I could actually use
a regular guy like you
290
00:11:13,017 --> 00:11:14,284
to help get our message out,
291
00:11:14,351 --> 00:11:17,487
and I know
Joe Workingman agrees with me.
292
00:11:17,554 --> 00:11:19,088
Love to have you
on board, Peter.
293
00:11:19,156 --> 00:11:21,941
Wow, thanks, Joe.
You can count on me.
294
00:11:22,009 --> 00:11:23,826
Aw, Carter, you just missed
Joe Workingman.
295
00:11:25,129 --> 00:11:27,163
Oh, I think he'll
know I was here.
296
00:11:37,474 --> 00:11:39,275
I'm not sure
what's happening.
297
00:11:41,545 --> 00:11:44,147
Oh, hi, Peter.
How was your rally?
298
00:11:44,214 --> 00:11:45,782
Oh, it was great,
and now I know
299
00:11:45,849 --> 00:11:47,216
it's the right cause
to get behind
300
00:11:47,284 --> 00:11:49,552
'cause a smart guy
like your dad is involved.
301
00:11:49,620 --> 00:11:51,421
What, Carter was
at the Tea Party rally?
302
00:11:51,488 --> 00:11:52,822
Yeah, he was running
the whole thing.
303
00:11:52,890 --> 00:11:54,691
Peter, what did I tell you
about rich guys?
304
00:11:54,758 --> 00:11:56,492
Look, I know what
you're thinking, Brian,
305
00:11:56,560 --> 00:11:57,627
but don't worry;
it's all okay.
306
00:11:57,695 --> 00:11:58,995
Turns out
you're the enemy.
307
00:11:59,063 --> 00:12:00,463
They're the ones
who are on our side.
308
00:12:00,531 --> 00:12:02,031
Oh, of course,
Carter Pewterschmidt,
309
00:12:02,099 --> 00:12:04,534
an industrialist with
oil refineries in this city,
310
00:12:04,601 --> 00:12:05,935
is on your side.
311
00:12:06,003 --> 00:12:07,470
He wants to get rid
of environmental regulations
312
00:12:07,538 --> 00:12:08,638
for you.
313
00:12:08,706 --> 00:12:09,973
Brian, he doesn't
get sarcasm.
314
00:12:10,040 --> 00:12:12,075
No, it's not just environmental
regulations, Ban.
315
00:12:12,142 --> 00:12:13,209
Carter wants
to get rid
316
00:12:13,277 --> 00:12:15,345
of the whole city government
of Quahog.
317
00:12:15,412 --> 00:12:18,047
He even put me in charge
of the PR campaign to do it.
318
00:12:18,115 --> 00:12:19,582
Get rid of the government?
319
00:12:19,650 --> 00:12:22,385
Peter, if I know my dad,
he's probably using you.
320
00:12:22,453 --> 00:12:24,120
Lois, I'm so glad
you're done with the dishes
321
00:12:24,188 --> 00:12:25,989
so that you can hang out
and chime in on this.
322
00:12:26,056 --> 00:12:27,991
Actually, Peter, I
haven't done the dishes.
323
00:12:28,058 --> 00:12:29,292
Oh, you haven't?
324
00:12:29,360 --> 00:12:30,693
Well, then,
I'm confused.
325
00:12:30,761 --> 00:12:32,562
Oh, he does get sarcasm.
326
00:12:35,866 --> 00:12:37,033
All right,
now, remember,
327
00:12:37,101 --> 00:12:38,768
the Tea Party is a
grassroots movement.
328
00:12:38,836 --> 00:12:40,837
We're not covered by
the lame-stream media,
329
00:12:40,904 --> 00:12:42,972
so we got to reach out to
the common man individually.
330
00:12:43,040 --> 00:12:46,092
Right, common man.
331
00:12:46,143 --> 00:12:47,677
Hello.
332
00:12:47,745 --> 00:12:50,763
Ah, geez, it's... it's a girl.
333
00:12:50,814 --> 00:12:52,615
May I speak to the man
of the house?
334
00:12:52,700 --> 00:12:55,835
This is the woman of the house,
and there is no man living here.
335
00:12:55,903 --> 00:12:57,370
No?
336
00:12:57,437 --> 00:13:00,189
W-W-What is... I-I... how are
you paying for this phone?
337
00:13:00,257 --> 00:13:02,058
I'm a lawyer.
338
00:13:02,126 --> 00:13:04,293
Oh, I see, and are you
in your little courthouse
339
00:13:04,361 --> 00:13:05,862
right now
representing Barbie?
340
00:13:07,297 --> 00:13:09,315
Okay, one vote
for the Tea Party.
341
00:13:09,383 --> 00:13:11,117
All right, kiss
government good-bye.
342
00:13:11,185 --> 00:13:13,786
Yeah, I can't wait to fire
all them city employees,
343
00:13:13,854 --> 00:13:16,255
starting with that half-asleep
construction worker.
344
00:13:23,080 --> 00:13:24,330
What the hell?
345
00:13:24,398 --> 00:13:25,865
W-W-Which one is it--
stop or go forward?
346
00:13:25,933 --> 00:13:26,849
This is a big deal.
347
00:13:26,934 --> 00:13:27,834
They're not at all similar.
348
00:13:30,621 --> 00:13:32,038
Ah, no, no, no, no.
349
00:13:32,106 --> 00:13:33,940
You, sir, have lost my business.
350
00:14:02,119 --> 00:14:04,570
People, please,
first things first.
351
00:14:04,638 --> 00:14:07,673
Is there anyone here
for the couch off of Craigslist?
352
00:14:07,741 --> 00:14:08,508
I am.
353
00:14:08,575 --> 00:14:10,409
Oh, good, come on in.
354
00:14:13,981 --> 00:14:16,482
That is the picture
from Craigslist.
355
00:14:16,550 --> 00:14:17,483
No way it is.
356
00:14:17,551 --> 00:14:18,484
It is.
357
00:14:18,552 --> 00:14:21,120
No way it is.
358
00:14:21,188 --> 00:14:23,039
All right, what do
the rest of you want?
359
00:14:23,107 --> 00:14:25,174
We want the city government
shut down.
360
00:14:27,261 --> 00:14:28,611
Oh, I see.
361
00:14:28,679 --> 00:14:31,147
And all of you feel
the same way?
362
00:14:31,215 --> 00:14:32,348
- Yes!
- No!
363
00:14:32,416 --> 00:14:34,117
Yes!
364
00:14:34,184 --> 00:14:36,719
Well, I'm nothing
if not a public servant,
365
00:14:36,787 --> 00:14:38,921
and the public has made
its feelings known.
366
00:14:38,989 --> 00:14:43,359
I hereby declare Quahog's
city government disbanded.
367
00:14:45,679 --> 00:14:50,416
It has been my pleasure to serve
you, and now I take my leave.
368
00:14:51,819 --> 00:14:53,719
This column is mine.
369
00:14:53,787 --> 00:14:56,122
I brought it from home.
370
00:15:01,962 --> 00:15:03,463
Good afternoon, I'm Tom Tucker.
371
00:15:03,530 --> 00:15:06,566
Our top story: Quahog is now
completely government-free,
372
00:15:06,633 --> 00:15:09,869
which means I'm free
of all broadcast regulations,
373
00:15:09,937 --> 00:15:12,238
so no more trips to the bathroom
for this reporter,
374
00:15:12,306 --> 00:15:14,640
just a big-ass coffee can
under the desk.
375
00:15:19,813 --> 00:15:21,364
Hello, family.
376
00:15:21,432 --> 00:15:23,333
Peter, what the hell
were you doing out there?
377
00:15:23,400 --> 00:15:25,735
You know, for years I've been
sick of taking the roads home,
378
00:15:25,803 --> 00:15:27,303
so today I took the yards.
379
00:15:27,371 --> 00:15:28,604
Didn't hit one light.
380
00:15:28,672 --> 00:15:30,073
Man, getting rid
of the government has been
381
00:15:30,140 --> 00:15:32,375
the best thing to happen
around here in a long time.
382
00:15:32,443 --> 00:15:33,960
That's right.
383
00:15:34,028 --> 00:15:36,029
Without government I'm free
to take a lot of mescaline
384
00:15:36,096 --> 00:15:38,031
and drive to Vegas.
385
00:15:41,301 --> 00:15:43,986
Wait till you see
Debbie Reynolds on stage.
386
00:15:44,054 --> 00:15:45,772
Yeah, and now
my Spanish teacher and I
387
00:15:45,839 --> 00:15:47,907
can finally hold hands
in the halls.
388
00:15:47,975 --> 00:15:50,526
¿Meg, dónde está
la biblioteca?
389
00:15:50,611 --> 00:15:53,346
Because I'm going to bang you
in the biblioteca.
390
00:15:53,414 --> 00:15:55,081
Well, I'm glad you're all
enjoying your freedom,
391
00:15:55,148 --> 00:15:56,949
but have you taken a look
out the window lately?
392
00:15:59,503 --> 00:16:00,603
What is that?
393
00:16:00,671 --> 00:16:02,238
Where's all that
smoke coming from?
394
00:16:02,306 --> 00:16:04,407
The Pewterschmidt Industries
refinery,
395
00:16:04,475 --> 00:16:07,110
and it's not smoke;
it's a giant cloud of pollution.
396
00:16:07,177 --> 00:16:08,661
Oh, my God.
397
00:16:08,712 --> 00:16:11,397
If that gets past the bad
neighborhoods and reaches us,
398
00:16:11,465 --> 00:16:12,998
that's going to be
a big problem.
399
00:16:13,050 --> 00:16:14,000
They can't do that.
400
00:16:14,068 --> 00:16:15,168
We should report them.
401
00:16:15,235 --> 00:16:16,519
To who?
There's no government.
402
00:16:16,587 --> 00:16:19,472
Then it's up to us, the
people, to find a solution.
403
00:16:19,540 --> 00:16:21,424
Close the curtains.
404
00:16:21,492 --> 00:16:22,975
Ah, Tea Party.
405
00:16:23,043 --> 00:16:25,578
Damn it, this is what I was
afraid was going to happen.
406
00:16:25,646 --> 00:16:27,613
This town is going
to go to hell.
407
00:16:27,681 --> 00:16:29,348
I now pronounce you
husband and wife.
408
00:16:29,416 --> 00:16:31,200
You may kiss
the bride.
409
00:16:32,836 --> 00:16:34,704
I'm glad we waited.
410
00:16:40,244 --> 00:16:42,295
Giraffity.
411
00:16:42,362 --> 00:16:43,896
Yeah, see,
that's not mine.
412
00:16:43,964 --> 00:16:46,232
Hey, Mort, what gives
with the blond hair?
413
00:16:46,300 --> 00:16:48,067
Yeah, you look
weird like that.
414
00:16:48,135 --> 00:16:50,970
Historically, in instances
of mass lawlessness,
415
00:16:51,038 --> 00:16:54,424
the first thing they do
is round up the Jews.
416
00:16:54,491 --> 00:16:57,210
Excuse me, fellow Aryan,
have you seen any Jews around?
417
00:16:57,277 --> 00:16:58,478
Is there a reward?
418
00:16:58,545 --> 00:17:00,646
Wait a minute.
Are you Jewish?
419
00:17:00,714 --> 00:17:03,816
I mean, uh,
unashamed locker room nudity.
420
00:17:03,884 --> 00:17:05,151
This guy's kosher.
421
00:17:05,219 --> 00:17:06,152
Oops.
422
00:17:06,220 --> 00:17:07,386
Let's get him!
423
00:17:11,458 --> 00:17:12,825
Good afternoon,
I'm Tom Tucker.
424
00:17:12,893 --> 00:17:15,628
It's day five of the new
government-less Quahog,
425
00:17:15,696 --> 00:17:17,530
and I'm wearing
a T-shirt.
426
00:17:17,598 --> 00:17:19,532
Tom, I don't think
the government
427
00:17:19,600 --> 00:17:20,967
was requiring you
to wear a suit.
428
00:17:21,034 --> 00:17:23,469
Well, they were stopping me
from punching you in the face.
429
00:17:23,537 --> 00:17:24,670
Is that what you want?
430
00:17:24,738 --> 00:17:25,905
No, you know what?
You know what?
431
00:17:25,956 --> 00:17:27,123
Give me your wallet.
What?
432
00:17:27,191 --> 00:17:28,925
You heard me,
I said give me your wallet.
433
00:17:30,477 --> 00:17:31,744
This is a crappy wallet.
434
00:17:31,812 --> 00:17:33,913
You have bad stuff.
435
00:17:33,981 --> 00:17:34,964
Oh, what the hell?
436
00:17:35,032 --> 00:17:37,116
Lois, the TV
went off again.
437
00:17:37,184 --> 00:17:38,718
It's the
electricity, Peter.
438
00:17:38,785 --> 00:17:41,420
There are power lines down,
and there's no one to fix 'em.
439
00:17:41,488 --> 00:17:43,489
The cops don't come,
the toilets don't flush,
440
00:17:43,557 --> 00:17:45,958
and there's garbage
piling up in the streets.
441
00:17:46,026 --> 00:17:48,461
Ryan Phillippe's been
out there for days.
442
00:17:48,529 --> 00:17:50,630
Would anyone like
to be impregnated?
443
00:17:50,697 --> 00:17:52,281
We had a nice town, Peter.
444
00:17:52,349 --> 00:17:53,916
I had a nice life,
445
00:17:53,984 --> 00:17:57,870
but you and your antigovernment
buddies ruined it.
446
00:17:57,938 --> 00:17:59,989
Hey, so how's that
Tea Party going, huh?
447
00:18:00,057 --> 00:18:02,358
More like
T.P. Party.
448
00:18:02,426 --> 00:18:04,460
Toilet paper.
449
00:18:04,528 --> 00:18:05,862
I don't know
what happened, Brian.
450
00:18:05,929 --> 00:18:07,897
Not having a government
worked great in Somalia,
451
00:18:07,965 --> 00:18:09,866
but somehow we seem
to have botched it all up.
452
00:18:09,933 --> 00:18:11,601
Looks that way.
453
00:18:11,668 --> 00:18:13,299
Wait a minute. There might be
a way out of this.
454
00:18:13,324 --> 00:18:14,020
What?
455
00:18:14,021 --> 00:18:15,655
We just talk to the guy
who got us into this.
456
00:18:15,722 --> 00:18:16,923
He'll know what to do.
457
00:18:29,753 --> 00:18:32,021
Mr. Pewterschmidt.
Mr. Pewterschmidt.
458
00:18:32,089 --> 00:18:33,356
Go away.
459
00:18:33,423 --> 00:18:35,725
But, Mr. Pewterschmidt,
you got to do something.
460
00:18:35,792 --> 00:18:37,693
The potholes ain't
getting fixed no more.
461
00:18:37,761 --> 00:18:39,595
The stoplights ain't working.
462
00:18:39,663 --> 00:18:42,298
Tampon commercials
no longer use blue liquids
463
00:18:42,366 --> 00:18:43,766
in their demonstrations.
464
00:18:46,003 --> 00:18:47,970
Make it blue.
That's always been the deal!
465
00:18:48,038 --> 00:18:50,506
You show whatever you want,
but you make it blue!
466
00:18:50,574 --> 00:18:51,674
Come on.
You got to help us out.
467
00:18:51,742 --> 00:18:52,875
Go to hell.
468
00:18:52,943 --> 00:18:54,343
I don't think he's going
to help, Peter.
469
00:18:54,411 --> 00:18:56,712
But if rich people aren't
looking out for us, who is?
470
00:18:56,780 --> 00:18:58,681
Well, maybe we need
to look out for each other.
471
00:18:58,749 --> 00:19:01,584
Come on, Brian.
It's time to make this right.
472
00:19:01,652 --> 00:19:05,137
Wait, before you go,
take two steps to the left.
473
00:19:05,188 --> 00:19:06,122
Look up.
474
00:19:06,189 --> 00:19:08,374
Okay, smile.
475
00:19:08,442 --> 00:19:09,842
Aw, I suck.
476
00:19:18,986 --> 00:19:21,938
People of Quahog,
I have something to say.
477
00:19:22,005 --> 00:19:23,539
Now that we've
freed ourselves
478
00:19:23,607 --> 00:19:25,408
from the terrible
shackles of government,
479
00:19:25,475 --> 00:19:27,743
it's time to replace it
with something better.
480
00:19:30,480 --> 00:19:32,915
The first thing we need
is a system of rules
481
00:19:32,983 --> 00:19:34,584
that everyone
must live by.
482
00:19:36,436 --> 00:19:37,803
Got to have rules.
483
00:19:37,871 --> 00:19:39,739
And since we can't spend
all our time making rules,
484
00:19:39,806 --> 00:19:42,642
I think that we should elect
some people to represent us,
485
00:19:42,709 --> 00:19:45,528
and they should make rules
and choices on our behalf.
486
00:19:46,813 --> 00:19:49,548
That's probably a good idea.
487
00:19:49,616 --> 00:19:52,301
Now, this may be kind of
expensive, so I got a plan:
488
00:19:52,369 --> 00:19:53,769
everyone should have
to give some money
489
00:19:53,837 --> 00:19:55,605
from their salaries
each year.
490
00:19:55,672 --> 00:19:57,473
Poor people will give
a little bit of money
491
00:19:57,541 --> 00:19:59,475
and rich people will give
a larger amount of money,
492
00:19:59,543 --> 00:20:01,911
and our representatives
will use all that money
493
00:20:01,979 --> 00:20:03,913
to hire some people
who will then provide us
494
00:20:03,981 --> 00:20:05,982
with social order
and basic services.
495
00:20:09,953 --> 00:20:13,255
Ugh, there's not one shirt
I wish I had out there.
496
00:20:13,323 --> 00:20:14,757
Now, it won't be perfect.
497
00:20:14,825 --> 00:20:17,509
Some of our representatives
may end up being bastards.
498
00:20:17,561 --> 00:20:19,145
But you know what?
That's okay
499
00:20:19,196 --> 00:20:20,813
'cause later we're going to have
more elections,
500
00:20:20,864 --> 00:20:23,366
and we can use those elections
to get rid of the bad guys
501
00:20:23,450 --> 00:20:24,784
and replace 'em with good guys,
502
00:20:24,851 --> 00:20:26,936
and then the system
will just keep going on and on
503
00:20:27,004 --> 00:20:28,037
just like that.
504
00:20:29,356 --> 00:20:30,389
So who's with me?
505
00:20:33,427 --> 00:20:36,078
Will you join me
in trying this new crazy thing?
506
00:20:40,199 --> 00:20:42,150
Then let's do it.
507
00:20:45,204 --> 00:20:47,365
Yeah, and we did it all
without government.
508
00:20:47,934 --> 00:20:49,184
I'm very proud
of you, Peter.
509
00:20:49,854 --> 00:20:52,188
Oh, Lois, that means
nothing to me.
510
00:20:52,311 --> 00:20:54,812
I only care what they say on
the Internet message boards.
511
00:20:55,254 --> 00:20:59,254
== sync, corrected by elderman ==